BeautifulLife
04-21-2006, 11:14 AM
I'm new to the forums and I've been reading the posts on the "45/18 married thread" with much interest. I decided to post here after that and hope that I will not be chased away....
I am a 23 y/o/f and I am in a situation that never in a million years would I have dreamed to find myself in. I am having an affair with a 48-year-old married man. I'll try to explain what lead to this point.
I've known "R" for about a year. We both volunteer as EMTs (Emergency Medical Technicians) for the EMS here in our small town. I met him when I joined the service last year. Right away there was a sort of "easiness" between us. By that, I mean that we were instantly comfortable with one another. Talking to one another was easy. It was one of those "I feel like I've known you forever" type of things. Just a great friendship, and a connection that you don't find every day.
In the year since I've known R, I've gone through the process of getting a divorce, which should be final in the next month or so. My ex is bipolar with several other mental illnesses and refuses to get help. After 3 marriage counselors and several separations, I finally realized that he would never be willing to put his all into our marriage, and get the help he needs to function. For the sake of my 4-year-old daughter and I, I filed for divorce.
Unfortunately, my financial situation didn't allow me for the best of lawyers. When I was frustrated with the lack of information and answers to my questions from my lawyer, I called R because I knew he had been through the process before. He knew that I was going through a rough time and had offered to help in any way he could. I didn't have any other close friends who had been through a divorce. When I called him, we ended up talking for hours. Not just about divorce, but about lots of other things as well. We found out that we had more in common than we'd previously thought. In fact, it was almost as if we were "separated at birth" (he joked that it was a long labor). We can finish each other's sentences, and know what the other is thinking even before they can express it.
I should also state that R's marriage is in a bad state as well. His wife served him with divorce papers 3 or 4 years ago. He tried to get her to reconcile and they ended up getting back together, although their relationship has never been good. They've been married 11 years and he says that they haven't gotten along for pretty much all of those 11 years. He says he "settled" for her after his ex-wife cheated on him and he went through his prior divorce. She was a principal and he thought she'd be good for his kids (he had 2 boys at the time, ages 11 and 2). The oldest one is now out of the house. However, when he and his current wife had another child together, his other boy became the "red-headed stepchild." His wife openly admits to taking her anger at R out on R's son. She will tell him to his face that she doesn't like him. They've been to 3 different marriage counselors and he says it's like pulling teeth to get her to go. She told him recently that it's hard for her to look at him sleeping and "not kill him" when she comes to bed at night. I do not know her personally, although I had met her in passing before R and I really knew each other. I do know that she is not very well-liked by most of the staff in the school where she works. However, I also know there are 2 sides to every story, and R is open about admitting some of his own faults as well.
R and I started talking more and more often, emailing each other, and running errands around town together. The type of friendship we had was something that I've never experienced before. It's almost like we are one in the same person. It's kind of creepy, actually. Eerie. And the underlying sexual attraction was starting to be there. Eventually I told R that I didn't feel comfortable spending so much time with him since he was married. I felt us having an "emotional" affair. He had been talking of leaving his wife for a couple of months by then, before our relationship grew so close. I told him that it would be different if they were in the process of a divorce, but until things got to that point, I didn't want to spend so much time with him.
Unfortunately, neither of us seems to be able to say "no" to each other. He has told me that he believes we are "soulmates." The bond between us is so strong that neither of us seems to be able to break it apart. I told him he needed to figure out what he wanted to do in regards to his marriage. He told me he wanted to leave, and that he would do so within the next couple of months. He started inquiring about a house in town to buy. But now he is hesitating.
He tells me he knows if he stays, things won't change. They haven't for 11 years. He says there is no emotional or physical chemistry between the 2 of them. He and the boys walk on eggshells around her, for fear of setting off her temper. She treats his son awfully and favors their son. He says he knows that things would be wonderful with me. We share an emotional, physical, and mental bond that he says he has never experienced with anyone, and neither have I. He says he doesn't really have any good reason to stay, but he just can't seem to walk away. I do know that he feels like he failed again. This is his third marriage (first one he claims responsibility for being "young and stupid" in the end, the second one his wife cheated on him). He has custody of his son from his second marriage and is worried about being a single dad with a very demanding job. His wife has threatened to make his life a living hell if he leaves. But then again, as I have pointed out, it's not much better than hell now.
I never thought I would find myself falling for a married man, much less one that is almost 25 years older than I. I do believe everything, good or bad, happens for a reason. I know that we were placed in each other's lives for a reason. I am struggling to figure out why that is. The connection we have is something that transcends age, or gender, or any kind of social background. It's almost like we have the same soul. I am struggling to figure out why he is hesitating to leave such a bad marriage. I also know that rarely is anything black and white. I think it would be easy to look at our situation and tell me to leave him alone, to go away, and I know that I should do that. But that's much easier said than done.
I do not believe I am young or naieve. I may be 23, but usually people are surprised to find out that I am that young. I have never acted my age, or so I've been told. An "old soul" people say. I've experienced many things in life already that forced me to grow up fast. I've had the big wedding and dreams of white picket fence and 2.5 kids with a dog in the yard. I know how much work a marriage takes. I know how it feels to fail. I was a single mom at age 19, bought my own home and worked to get a good job to make a decent living for my daughter and I, without any physical or financial support from her biological father. (My ex-husband is not the father of my daughter; I married him when she was 2-1/2.) I've already lost one parent to cancer. I know that life is short, and I don't believe in wasting time being unhappy.
I don't really know what I'm looking for with this post. I kind of just wanted to get my story out there and see how people responded to it. I am looking for some insight as to why R is hesitating to leave, although he says even he doesn't know. I hope that I am not judged too harshly, because I already judge myself over this, and believe me, I am my own worst critic.
Thank you all in advance for reading this, and your replies.
I am a 23 y/o/f and I am in a situation that never in a million years would I have dreamed to find myself in. I am having an affair with a 48-year-old married man. I'll try to explain what lead to this point.
I've known "R" for about a year. We both volunteer as EMTs (Emergency Medical Technicians) for the EMS here in our small town. I met him when I joined the service last year. Right away there was a sort of "easiness" between us. By that, I mean that we were instantly comfortable with one another. Talking to one another was easy. It was one of those "I feel like I've known you forever" type of things. Just a great friendship, and a connection that you don't find every day.
In the year since I've known R, I've gone through the process of getting a divorce, which should be final in the next month or so. My ex is bipolar with several other mental illnesses and refuses to get help. After 3 marriage counselors and several separations, I finally realized that he would never be willing to put his all into our marriage, and get the help he needs to function. For the sake of my 4-year-old daughter and I, I filed for divorce.
Unfortunately, my financial situation didn't allow me for the best of lawyers. When I was frustrated with the lack of information and answers to my questions from my lawyer, I called R because I knew he had been through the process before. He knew that I was going through a rough time and had offered to help in any way he could. I didn't have any other close friends who had been through a divorce. When I called him, we ended up talking for hours. Not just about divorce, but about lots of other things as well. We found out that we had more in common than we'd previously thought. In fact, it was almost as if we were "separated at birth" (he joked that it was a long labor). We can finish each other's sentences, and know what the other is thinking even before they can express it.
I should also state that R's marriage is in a bad state as well. His wife served him with divorce papers 3 or 4 years ago. He tried to get her to reconcile and they ended up getting back together, although their relationship has never been good. They've been married 11 years and he says that they haven't gotten along for pretty much all of those 11 years. He says he "settled" for her after his ex-wife cheated on him and he went through his prior divorce. She was a principal and he thought she'd be good for his kids (he had 2 boys at the time, ages 11 and 2). The oldest one is now out of the house. However, when he and his current wife had another child together, his other boy became the "red-headed stepchild." His wife openly admits to taking her anger at R out on R's son. She will tell him to his face that she doesn't like him. They've been to 3 different marriage counselors and he says it's like pulling teeth to get her to go. She told him recently that it's hard for her to look at him sleeping and "not kill him" when she comes to bed at night. I do not know her personally, although I had met her in passing before R and I really knew each other. I do know that she is not very well-liked by most of the staff in the school where she works. However, I also know there are 2 sides to every story, and R is open about admitting some of his own faults as well.
R and I started talking more and more often, emailing each other, and running errands around town together. The type of friendship we had was something that I've never experienced before. It's almost like we are one in the same person. It's kind of creepy, actually. Eerie. And the underlying sexual attraction was starting to be there. Eventually I told R that I didn't feel comfortable spending so much time with him since he was married. I felt us having an "emotional" affair. He had been talking of leaving his wife for a couple of months by then, before our relationship grew so close. I told him that it would be different if they were in the process of a divorce, but until things got to that point, I didn't want to spend so much time with him.
Unfortunately, neither of us seems to be able to say "no" to each other. He has told me that he believes we are "soulmates." The bond between us is so strong that neither of us seems to be able to break it apart. I told him he needed to figure out what he wanted to do in regards to his marriage. He told me he wanted to leave, and that he would do so within the next couple of months. He started inquiring about a house in town to buy. But now he is hesitating.
He tells me he knows if he stays, things won't change. They haven't for 11 years. He says there is no emotional or physical chemistry between the 2 of them. He and the boys walk on eggshells around her, for fear of setting off her temper. She treats his son awfully and favors their son. He says he knows that things would be wonderful with me. We share an emotional, physical, and mental bond that he says he has never experienced with anyone, and neither have I. He says he doesn't really have any good reason to stay, but he just can't seem to walk away. I do know that he feels like he failed again. This is his third marriage (first one he claims responsibility for being "young and stupid" in the end, the second one his wife cheated on him). He has custody of his son from his second marriage and is worried about being a single dad with a very demanding job. His wife has threatened to make his life a living hell if he leaves. But then again, as I have pointed out, it's not much better than hell now.
I never thought I would find myself falling for a married man, much less one that is almost 25 years older than I. I do believe everything, good or bad, happens for a reason. I know that we were placed in each other's lives for a reason. I am struggling to figure out why that is. The connection we have is something that transcends age, or gender, or any kind of social background. It's almost like we have the same soul. I am struggling to figure out why he is hesitating to leave such a bad marriage. I also know that rarely is anything black and white. I think it would be easy to look at our situation and tell me to leave him alone, to go away, and I know that I should do that. But that's much easier said than done.
I do not believe I am young or naieve. I may be 23, but usually people are surprised to find out that I am that young. I have never acted my age, or so I've been told. An "old soul" people say. I've experienced many things in life already that forced me to grow up fast. I've had the big wedding and dreams of white picket fence and 2.5 kids with a dog in the yard. I know how much work a marriage takes. I know how it feels to fail. I was a single mom at age 19, bought my own home and worked to get a good job to make a decent living for my daughter and I, without any physical or financial support from her biological father. (My ex-husband is not the father of my daughter; I married him when she was 2-1/2.) I've already lost one parent to cancer. I know that life is short, and I don't believe in wasting time being unhappy.
I don't really know what I'm looking for with this post. I kind of just wanted to get my story out there and see how people responded to it. I am looking for some insight as to why R is hesitating to leave, although he says even he doesn't know. I hope that I am not judged too harshly, because I already judge myself over this, and believe me, I am my own worst critic.
Thank you all in advance for reading this, and your replies.