Rebound relationships - do they last?

I've just started seeing this guy Dave and I really like him a whole lot. He also says he likes me a lot too. We started dating 2 weeks ago. We've talked every day for hours at night and seen each other nearly every day since Friday a week ago. I'm 25 and he just turned 38. I left a long term relationship last Sept. I was living with a guy that I never really loved. I was hiding from love by being with him after a really heartbreaking relationship. Anyway, I really don't think I had any issues follow me from that parting. However, Dave just broke up with his ex of 12 years two months ago. They too had been leading separate lives for the past two and a half years. He says there had been no sexual relationship or anything. (I actually somewhat believe this b/c of the way he treats me - never out of line physically or verbally.) They stayed together for their son, who is now 10. Dave and I are not rushing into anything. We have agreed to not see anyone else - neither one of us wants to date more than one person at a time. I call him my boyfriend, which is what he wants me to call him. Now I'm at the point in my life where I don't want to waste time on someone whom I cannot see a future with. I admit I actually could see a future with him. Yet, several different people have told me to run away from him b/c this is a "rebound relationship" and they never work b/c Dave will always associate me with the ending of his old relationship. I really like Dave but I don't want to emotionally invest myself in him if it will most likely lead to a breakup. I'm seeing an emotional attachment is starting to form, at least for me. So my question is does anyone have any experience with a situation like this? What are your views on "rebound relationships?" Any help would be much appreciated!

Hi LovelyLolita8,

I kind of think that many of the `rebound issues' we hear about revolve around the rebounder reaching out for someone new to fill a big emotional gap, rather than using their judgement & taking time to heal. Avoiding rebounders sounds like pretty good advice, but like most things its just something to be aware of, rather than a hard and fast rule. Not everyone who comes out of dead marriage is rebounding. Sometimes they've had many years to process the marriage problems and move on emotionally.

Strangely, a lot of `rebound' relationships do work, as far as I have seen anyway. I guess maybe it depends on just how desperate and undiscerning the rebounder was when they chose the new partner. If the new couple have tons in common, and are good for each other, theres no reason why it can't work.

Anyway best of luck...keep your eyes open, be aware, and get to know Dave would be my advice:))

Some online advice that rings pretty true (here's an excerpt and the link). I have read that close to 80% of rebound relationships end (started within a year of divorce or 6 months of a long term dating relationship).

And...from personal experience, I'd exercise caution, and take it really slowly building only a friendship at first for several months...that's just me :)

Finally, it is a good idea to take some time away from being in a relationship after a separation or divorce. Often times individuals rush into love relationships before they are ready because it gives them a focus and they don’t have to be single. The truth is that one needs to feel good about themselves and know what they want from their next relationship in order for it to be successful and to avoid another painful breakup or worse, another divorce. The current statistics show that 4 out of 5 people that remarry within 1 year of a divorce end up getting divorced again! You must tell yourself that being single is very healthy and a good opportunity to get to know what you are wanting from your next love relationship. Plus, being single will afford you extra time for your children, your work, your family and friends. Embrace being single as an opportunity rather than a disaster or burden. Plus, if you decide not to get into another relationship again, you will have successfully created a meaningful and multifaceted life for yourself where you have learned how to make yourself happy and meet your own needs.

In closing, while rebound relationships may seem harmless and even maybe a good idea to move you through feeling emotionally raw, they are really a recipe for failure. In order for a new relationship to be successful, one must be emotionally available and have grieved the loss of their previous relationship. Although being single may initially be uncomfortable, learn to tolerate and cope with these feelings in order to save your heart for the right relationship, not the first one.

http://www.onlinecouch.com/Publications/ReboundRelationships.htm

Best,
Karen

I agree witht he other ladies...

Its not that it won't work or can't because it can.... Sometimes its difficult because he maybe trying to fill a void that he's used to after 12 years.... Just take it slow and keep your eyes open..... Just be honest with each other... Let him know also how you feel.. communication truly is the way

Thanks so much for all that advice! That was a great quote. I really am thinking that I am going to end it. I think it would be for the best. I'm seeing that it is really easy for me to want to fall into a relationship and I've been out of one since Sept. Up til now I've even been saying that I don't want a relationship or a boyfriend. So I can only imagine what he is feeling. I know that there is a true spark between us but I think it would be best if I walk away now. What do you think?

Thanks so much for all that advice! That was a great quote. I really am thinking that I am going to end it. I think it would be for the best. I'm seeing that it is really easy for me to want to fall into a relationship and I've been out of one since Sept. Up til now I've even been saying that I don't want a relationship or a boyfriend. So I can only imagine what he is feeling. I know that there is a true spark between us but I think it would be best if I walk away now. What do you think?

I can't tell you whether to end it or not.. You are the only one... if you really care for him and want to be with him... When your not looking for an SO is usually when it happens ;) however I would just take things slow and see where they go.. You don't have to be extremely serious to build a relationship....

Dave and I talked today. He told me that he's totally fallen in love with me and is so sorry that he met me when he did. He wishes we would've met 6 months from now. He also said (which I knew) that this wasn't the best time for us to be starting a relationship. This is exactly what I've been feeling! We both agreed that we need to back off and take things super slow. We've decided to be friends and talk and hang out some but nothing physical and we'll see where the road leads later on. It is funny that we were thinking the same thing at the same point in time. I guess we both realized how fast things were moving and that it wasn't a good idea. So who knows what will happen in the future! If its meant to be, then it will work out. If not, I enjoyed knowing him. He has restored my faith in men.

I saw Dave tonight at our usual hang out. We danced and talked briefly. He, I and our friend went and got breakfast afterwards. We got to talk a bit at the restaurant. I told him that I'd really missed talking to him this week and he said he had too. I also told him I really wanted to still see him some more than as just "friends." I realized the past few days how much i missed him and that i'm not ready to totally let go of the chance of us as a couple just b/c of the fact he just got out of a relationship. He agreed. I too have things I need to get settled before we can move on. We are supposed to see each other either tomorrow or the next day i'm off and just take things super slow. He kissed me goodnight which made me happy. Does that sound like a decent plan? To date but take it easy? I hope so. Is it possible to take things a few steps backwards, in terms of seriousness?

Sounds like a plan to me!

I'm developing yet another relationship theory... this one includes the observation that "lableling" and "classifying" a relationship is probably one of the most destructive actions people take. The label really ends up stripping the relationship of it's identity. I'm not even a big fan of "age gap." Loripop and I are not in an age gap relationship. We just happen to be very different ages.

When you think about it... "rebound relationship... engaged... committed... age gap... " all these things say something about the relationship that may or may not be true.

Yep.

Just be in a relationship... pay attention to the relationship. Don't worry about what you're going to call it yet.