Eternal Bachelor?

Hi all,

I have just started dating this man about 4 months ago. I am almost 23 and he is 42. We get along great, have fun together, and generally are a good match. My only problem is, he is what I would term an "eternal bachelor". He's never been married (I'm divorced) and lives in such a way that you can tell he is well established in his bachelor-hood (his house is certainly not set up with plans to live with anyone else- ever). This is all fine and good for now as I'm not looking to move in with anyone or get married again (it was too painful the first time for me.) But eventually, I think I may want to be in a *real* relationship, where I can build a life with someone else...

Am I just spinning my wheels on this guy? He is really wonderful; sweet, kind, funny, everything I could ever ask for. But I feel myself falling deeply for this man, and I don't think my heart could bear being broken again...

Is there any chance for a bachelor to decide he wants to have another in his life? I am worried that at his age, (not that he is old- but he's lived like this for 20 years) he is set in his ways, and as long as things are the way they are now, it would be okay for him. He claims that he hasn't had a girlfriend in awhile because women were always "toxic" for him, and he always tells me how well I treat him (I make an effort to- I really learned after my divorce that kindness in a relationship takes work). But no matter how much kindness or love I show him, I'm not sure that will be enough for him to *ever* want to have a standard relationship where he would live with someone or want to get married... Not that I am in that place now myself, but someday I might be, and it isn't fair to either of us to waste time.

Thanks for reading all of this! Sorry to ramble, would love to hear thoughts! Thanks!

(longtime lurker, first time poster)

Nothing wrong with him being Mr. Right-Now. If you are also not looking to get into a commitment right way, why not just enjoy the time together keeping in mind your needs may change down the road. I think we women tend to try to define something too completely up front - sometimes look at too big of a picture. Look at this as an opportunity to learn how to trust and love again, get to know what it is you really want - and it may or may not be him. Can't hurt to talk about it - his reaction to a talk about your possible future together may give you the answer to your question.

Best of luck - it will all work out fine.

B

Thanks Brun! Yes, I agree, and when we first got involved my initial feeling was "This is a right-now kinda guy, nothing more." I think I even wanted to get involved with him because I knew he was a long time bachlor and most likely commitment-phobic. But it has turned into so much more than that. Not only has he been really committed right off the bat (after week 2 he told me he's never "cheat" and that he wasn't interested in seeing anyone else), but he has been loving and kind. He's invited me to meet all of his friends, some of his family, and has mentioned perhaps us taking a trip out to meet his family. Everything he does spells commitment, yet when I look at how he lives I can't help but be scared that I will completely fall in love with him, more so than I have now, and that will wake up one day and realize that I want more, and that is something he can't/won't give me.

I don't enter relationships lightly (maybe that's my problem! ;)) and I am scared that this will continue to go as well as it has been going and my heart will be broken again. He has told me that the reason he hasn't been involved with any women is due to how badly he has been hurt in the past as well. He is really very romantic, and as a result has become guarded. Yet he lets his feelings known with me, and tells me how well I treat him. I can see being with this man for a very very long time (his kindness and respect are what matter most to me), but I just don't want to get hurt again by a man who will never fully let me share his life with him...

Sorry, I'm rambling again. Thanks for the advice :)

(longtime lurker, first time poster)
...I think we women tend to try to define something too completely up front - sometimes look at too big of a picture. Look at this as an opportunity to learn how to trust and love again, get to know what it is you really want - and it may or may not be him...

And that said... I know a guy who was a confirmed bachelor until age 55 when he married a woman with six kids.

It happens.

And that said... I know a guy who was a confirmed bachelor until age 55 when he married a woman with six kids.

It happens.

Wow was that the guy I read about in the Guiness Book of Records??? Hehe just teasing. :D To the OP: yes like Wally said, it does happen, but I think you need to talk to him about this and see what he says. You shouldn't go into a relationship expecting or hoping that the other person will change, or else you may be very disappointed later on. ;) Best of luck!!!

Thanks; yes, actually i went into the relationship with very very low expectations about the future- I really wasn't worried at all about this because I wasn't thinking it would be anything serious. All his actions point towards a serious relationship, moreso than mine did initially. Now I think I'm falling- hard... but i don't want to allow myself to if his goals are so different than mine.

I guess I'm not clear on where he stands. I think I may let this go on a few more months, and see how things go. If we get to the "I love you" stage, then I'll ask. I guess I am needlessly worrying...

Thanks for all the advice guys!

Wow was that the guy I read about in the Guiness Book of Records??? Hehe just teasing. :D To the OP: yes like Wally said, it does happen, but I think you need to talk to him about this and see what he says. You shouldn't go into a relationship expecting or hoping that the other person will change, or else you may be very disappointed later on. ;) Best of luck!!!

Do you know this man wants to continue to live like this (i.e. has he said so)? Or is it just an impression you have? You may want to discuss it with him.

I was a confirmed bachelor at 36 when my wife came along, and it worked out perfectly. She was 21 and from the Philippines, so it was quite a change for both of us. Yet the transition was smoother than I ever could have imagined.

Well, at the time it was an impression... but it seems that things are progressing, and rather quickly... He want to take me to Vermont this summer to meet his family. So he is planning several months ahead, and wants me to meet his parents. I guess he is pretty serious after all! :p

Actually, I think he is starting to like the relationship-y stuff. It has just been so long since he had a relationship that lasted awhile, that I think he didn't know how to proceed. But he seems to be enjoying it all, and eating up all of the affection I give him. He was somewhat affection deprived, mostly due to bad luck with girlfriends I think...

Sounds like you have a good relationship, which is great!! I guess it is all about *wanting* to make a change in your life. My bf says I have helped him relax about things, and have more fun, and I think he just might be ready to have another in his life. But only time will tell...

Thanks for your advice! I appreciate the insight! :)

Do you know this man wants to continue to live like this (i.e. has he said so)? Or is it just an impression you have? You may want to discuss it with him.

I was a confirmed bachelor at 36 when my wife came along, and it worked out perfectly. She was 21 and from the Philippines, so it was quite a change for both of us. Yet the transition was smoother than I ever could have imagined.