desperately need advice....

i think i just made a big mistake yesterday. i told my mom that im dating my OM (he's 49 years, im 20). and than she said a big NO!! and she started to cry. and said if i want to go with him, i should choose between him or her.

i love my OM and i dont know what should i do. i dont want to loose both of them. we've been together for 2 months, and tat moment are the most wonderful relationship that i ever had.

what should i do.... please anybody help me....

Is there a chance that the shock might wear off and yall will be able to talk more about it?

When I told my parents about my boyfriend...they freaked out and also told me I had to choose. Now (about 10 months after I told them) they're doing much better with the whole situation.

Your mom just loves you and is worried about you. I'd give her a little time to get adjusted to the situation.

Nadine.

she's hard, once she said no, it will be no.... she keep saying about things like : having kids, how to raise them when he's retired, and the other logical things. those sort of scared me.

i dont want to loose my honey, i love him. if i decided to still go out with him secretly, is that a sin?

jessique, how can you convince your parent?

Give her logical responces to her questions. If the relationship is going to work out, you have to think about the answers to those questions ahead of time anyway. As far as having kids, men have kids in their 50s all the time. My hubby is having a vasectomy reversal this summer so we can start our family and he's 50. And if she wonders how you'll raise kids when he's retired....whats wrong with giving your kids a full-time stay-at-home parent?

I wouldnt go out with him secretly. That will just breed resentment between your mom and you when she finds out you are still seeing him. If you want to still see him, do your best to convince your mom and if it doesnt work, do what you feel is right. Just dont do anything secretly, it usually doesnt end well.

Relationships with that particular age gap can work (we've got a year gap on you and are happily married). Parents can come around and accept what they initially reject. If you really love him and want to stay with him, hang in there!

Hmmm... I find it interesting that her saying "logical things" scares you. That actually suggests you may need to hear what she's saying. She's pretty much telling you that she doesn't think you are qualified to make a decision.

I'd suggest getting on the same side she's on. It starts with letting her discover that you are dating, not marrying the guy necessarily. If she will accept that, you can ask her to help you figure out what the questions are and what's "logical."

Of course ultimately you need to discover your own answers with your OM. But if your Mom is allowed to be part of that process she may reach the same conclusions you do.

If, on the other hand, she absolutely refuses to accept the idea of you seeing him... you'll have some decisions to make. At this point you need to try to avoid letting it become a power play... may, in fact, already be too late.

Wallypop, you're wavering a bit. You've always been solidly on the side of AG relationships. Now you sound unsure.

To me, wyn_oi, your Mom sounds very closed-minded. I think the notion that a 20+ year old woman is "not qualified to make her own decision" is part of what's wrong with society. You're nearly 21.... old enough to be a college graduate with a responsible position in a professional occupation. People your age are old enough to have all adult privileges, and women your age get married all the time. In the military, 21-year old fighter pilots make life or death decisions daily, yet when it comes to relationships we treat our 21-year olds like little children, especially when it comes to relationships with older partners. You need to tell your mom that it's your life, not hers, and that she needs to respect your choices. I don't totally agree with WallyPop that you need to convince her that you're "not going to marry him necessarily."

My wife is also Asian, and she comes from the Philippines. Over there, women your age marry men your OM's age quite commonly. I know several couples like you. It happens more often than you realize.

Whether it's acceptable or taboo in your culture....your mother has given her input.

Now's the time to figure out *why* she had this reaction. Yes, you are 21, and an adult, but why not at least try to have a constructive dialogue with your mother?

Do you even know what her specific concerns are? And, if so, have you addressed them?

No, it doesn't seem "fair" that you have to choose between him and her. However, at this point, all I can see is that you have to meet her on *her* terms.

Without even trying to do that, you may very well be pissing away one relationship or the other needlessly.

Wallypop, you're wavering a bit. You've always been solidly on the side of AG relationships. Now you sound unsure.


Huh?? Just because a relationship includes an age gap that doesn't mean it's automatically a positive relationship! And just because someone is 21 years old, that doesn't mean they are "qualified" to make decisions. (Fighter pilots are trained to make those decisions and they are flying their own planes.) For that matter, there is no magic age at which people are qualified -- that's one reason forums survive, people sometimes need help making decisions. It's not unusual for the people who need the most help to want it the least.

The original question here seemed to be how wyn handles her Mother's unsolicited "advice." I am merely noting that if she's afraid of her mother's logical questions it makes me wonder if she's avoiding asking them of herself. A certain amount of sharing the questions might benefit everybody. I do not believe AG relationships are destined to fail, but I don't believe they automatically work either.

You are certainly welcome to disagree with my suggestion that she resolve the issue with her mother in the manner I described, but it's a little unfair to accuse me of wavering on my support of AG relationships based on my post.

well, thanks for every advice...
and wallypop, i dont think you're wavering. I can see you put yourself in 'middle' area which a good thing, because (of course) i also want to read not only a supporting words but also another thing.

----i wish i was in Philipines

Wallypop, I didn't mean to be combative. It just really bugs me when parents shut the door on any posibility that they will accept their daughter's desire to be with someone older ---- just because of his age. I was surprised to hear you say something about her "getting on her 'mom's side'". Maybe I misunderstood what you said. I didn't think I was being unfair to you, but if I was then I apologize for the misunderstanding.

Wyn, you're welcome. The middle is a safe place to be when you don't think you have all the information, plus I've always felt that the best advice comes in the form of questions and ideas, not judgments, pontificating, and giving orders. I still will encourage you to listen to your Mom's "scary" but "logical" advice -- mostly because you find it scary. It is a two month relationship. You can make it stronger if you face the realities that accompany it and, while you may not like your Mom's style, she may be able to help you do that.

Part of my point was simply that you don't win somebody over by fighting with them, you "get on their side" meaning you try to understand where they are coming from and attempt to figure out the points of agreement. Of course that assumes that person is important to you... if they are not important you can simply tell them to "screw off."

Bob, I perhaps over-reacted, but will offer three explanations:

1. I have pretty big hot button when it comes to people on a forum presuming to explain what I'm really saying or what I really mean -- or putting a label on me. Yup, I can get quite defensive. I do have a few marks and scars.

2. We've had an abundance of 19-21 year olds coming to the site lately and "complaining" that their parents won't let them do what they want. In many cases these are "kids" living at home, totally dependent on parents for financial support, housing, etc. IMHO, you don't get treated like an adult because you reach a certain age and I think it's presumptious - possibly even arrogant - to expect that until you've proven you are capable of being independent. (I'm not saying that is the case in this situation.) But just because somebody shows up here in an AG relationship, it doesn't mean they should automatically get cheered on. (The irony is if her bf was married she wouldn't have gotten much support! LOL)

IMHO what's wrong with society is that we're not requiring kids to grow up - we're treating them like adults because they demand it.

3. Yes, 21 year olds are granted many adult priviliges. I've seen some 14 year olds that get some adult priviliges, including becoming single parents. That doesn't mean they are capable of using those priviliges wisely. There is a big difference between a 20 year old fighter pilot and a 21 year old who's never bought his/her own groceries. I've also seen people a lot older than 21 and wondered how they get through the day without hurting themselves or someone else.

What I'm really trying to say it that we always hear one side of the story... what's interesting is that the examples of the reasons her mother is giving are not stupid or out of line. In order for this to be a positive and successful AG relationship, Wyn would do well to know the answers... at least her Mom knows what the questions are! There is no reason not to share the questions and the answers and suggesting that does not put me on the "anti-age gap" side any more than some of my other thoughts put me on the "pro-cheating" side.

hello wyn

I've been following your posts quite closely. I'm 20 and my OM is 40. And my mum's a Chinese Indonesian too. :)

My parents are sceptical about Westerners (no offence intended!!!!), and they are worried that he may not be true to me. The age-gap thing makes the whole thing worse. However, it seems that my parents are impressed by Westerners who are fluent in Mandarin, and show deep understanding in Asian cultures. So I'm preparing my OM for the "meet-the-parents session" in the future by teaching him Mandarin. I hope it works. :)

I do see your point of view now that I read your messages more carefully. I tend to point out extreme examples (i.e. the 27-year old "doctor" or the 25-year old "manager") in order to make my point. Bill Gates was already the CEO of Microsoft when he was in his mid or late 20s, but that doesn't mean every 24 - 28 year old is the CEO of a company. You'll have to pardon me if I tend to be an "age-gap" "cheerleader". I've been on AG forums in the past where it was all "rah! rah! Go for it!", and, to tell you the truth, I had more fun on those forums. However, I'm not sure if what was said there was necessarily more constructive. I've also seen AG forums where the antagonism was far worse than anything I've ever seen here, which is certainly destructive. By taking the middle ground and recognizing that both sides have valid points and concerns, you can help people make better choices and hopefully mend relationships with people in their lives. I hope Wynn can come to an understanding with her mom and hopefully still be with the man she loves, if she in fact decides that she does truly love him.