Need advice please

Hi everyone. Its been a long time since I have been here to post. I am 28 and my guy is 48. We have been together for 7 years. We are at a point in our relationship where he is really thinking about our life together . I want to be married to him and eventually have a baby with him. He has 2 kids alreaddy from a previous marriage (they are 18 and 22). The kids are ok with me and treat me with respect. I don't know if we will ever be "close" but I am happy they are kind to me when I am in their company. My guy and I have been living together for 3 years and I stayed with him a lot before making the move in final 3 years ago.

So the dilema is-last night he told me he has made a decision about life. He does not want any more kids. I don't know if I definately want a baby (and know I am the only one to answer that) but I do know I want my guy. He is the best guy ever and treats me with all the love and respect a gal could ever imagine. We have great communication and have similar ideas about life.

Now what? He said that the kid thought was the thing holding him back from asking me to marry him because he thought it would be unfair to me to ask and then make a decision to not want kids. I am very appreciative that he has told me now and is not being selfish and keeping me guessing. He said with all that is going on in his life with his kids, he is tired and does not want to be doing this running around for the rest of his life (because if we had a kid, it would not be for a few more years and if you add just 10 years to it, he’d be retired raising a teenager or younger child). I get his point and it may have been unfair for both of us all along. How can something so perfect be so flawed? (because of this one huge decision).

At 28, I don’t know if I want kids. I know I don’t want to lose him and he does not want to lose me. I know that the reason today I think about a child is for later in life when they are my current age when we are capable of taking care of ourselves and want to spend time with our family. I think of my gay friend Anthony and how he won’t be having kids and how he seems ok with that. Can I be ok with that? My aunt never had kids-not sure by choice or what. She seems ok now that she is in her 80’s, but she has 2 brothers and a sister (my mom’s mom). I don’t want to be alone with no “family” later in life. I want a child so my guy and my creation could “live on”. Because of my guy’s age, statistically he will be gone first and way before me. My parents will be as well. So if my guy and I don’t have kids, I could be alone with no family in my 50’s (if everyone were to pass in their 70’s and 80’s). Who wants to spend the rest of their life alone? 50 is a young age to be alone-still a lot of miles to travel if you know what I mean. I know I would have lived happily until my 50’s (again if using the 70’s and 80’s mark). What about when I am up there in years? Who would take care of me? (with the thought that we all eventually take care of our parents somehow).

I feel like I was punched in the gut and can’t keep the tears away. I am numb with all the thoughts. I don’t know what to do. One minute I am thinking I need to move out and all the implications that go along with it (what is mine, what is his, what is ours, where do I go, what do I say to everyone, how foolish I feel if I walked away from the one person that I want to be with for the “possibility” of a baby with someone else who will probably treat me like garbage), the next I am thinking about life with out kids and morning the thought of never experiencing a child of my own. I swore to myself I would never change a diaper until it was for my own child. I think my biological clock is definitely ticking-I am scared about childbirth and the pain, yet I feel like I’d want to go through that someday and experience that moment of “overwhelming love” that I keep hearing about from people with kids.

I love him and feel like I am living a scene from "friends' where Monica and Richard ended their relationship because of the same reasons, yet there is not going to be a commercial or a warpped up ending in 30 minutes. (oh, and of couse, I am not Monica and he's not Richard).

I don't want to take a chance of leaving him to try to find someone else and have that person not come close to my current guy. I can't picture my life without my guy and the thought of all of this just takes my breath away and has left a HUGE hole in my heart.

This sucks.


Thanks for any advice you may be able to provide.

I don't want to take a chance of leaving him to try to find someone else and have that person not come close to my current guy. I can't picture my life without my guy and the thought of all of this just takes my breath away and has left a HUGE hole in my heart.

Welcome back.

Oh And I couldn't have said it better myself!

Oops! Did you want OUR advice?

This must be so difficult, and I really feel for you. As a woman who doesn't want kids, and hasn't faced this problem, there isn't much I can say to help. However, in reading your very well thought out post, I have to point one thing out: your boyfriend is doing what is best for *him* regarding this issue. Not that there is anything wrong with this, but you also have to say "I need to do what is best for *me*." Best for you may be staying with a man you love now, and who loves you now. It may also be being willing to take the chance of leaving and finding another to love who will love you. The world is a big place, and if someone cannot give yuo everything you need (and by this I mean children) then it may be time to say "I love you, but children will complete my life", and take your chances.

Its funny, when I read your post, it did remind me or Monica and Richard! Or, also, Carrie and Petrovsky on Sex and the City. There was an episode when he told her he didn't want any more children, and she said "How can I give up a man I love, for a baby I hardly know I want?"

Serious choices. You sound intelligent and I'm sure you will find a way to do what is best for you. Good luck.

This is a very common agr issue.... However I'm 31 and my husband is 48 and we have a 22 month old and planning another at the end of this year... so It definatly a choice a person makes... I think myhusband is rare for an OM who wants kids...because sometimes at a certain age you do say your not willing to go thru those sleepless nights.... spending the money, the stress... expecially where your OM is coming out of the teenage years with his others it's difficult...

However You need to decide what you REALLY WANT.... I think that if you truly want children you really need to think about this... because I know you love him etc... but sometimes the wanting of children can be very strong... and sometimes its something that people regret down the line wishing they had kids.... I mean your still young and you can have children well into your 40s if you want... but maybe you can talk to him and see if he may change his mind instead of you ha veing to give up YOUR chance to have a child... before you commit to marriage I think you really need to find the answers within yourself whether or not the urge to have kids is to strong... I know I couldn't I told my husband that before we married... I was lucky he wanted 2 more kids.... He wanted to make me happy...

I could be alone with no family in my 50’s (if everyone were to pass in their 70’s and 80’s). Who wants to spend the rest of their life alone? 50 is a young age to be alone-still a lot of miles to travel if you know what I mean.

Hi, nomad. Wow, I can sense from your post that you are really torn on this one, I'm sorry you are going through the tears and all that. The other posters have offered great advice. I am from the other side of the board and just wanted to add a personal thought after reading your quote above. I will turn 50 in October, and if I were looking at the next decade without family, it would be very hard for sure.

I had my children when I was 30 and 35 (kinda late back then). My mom passed away in 2001, I was divorced in 2002, my father lives in another state (as do my two brothers) and he is 76 with diabetes. Although I love my brothers and father, they are not near, and we only correspond via email, phone, etc. In others words....I feel virtually alone in the family department...EXCEPT for the fact that I have two adoring teen age sons whom I cherish with all my heart. If they were not in my life now as I near 50 and beyond, I would definitely feel "alone" in many senses of that word.....

You mention that your OM doesn't want children because he is tired and doesn't want to raise another one, etc. How about a compromise on that?....tell him you would agree to only one child and will do all the mundane tasks associated with child rearing (the "tiring" stuff: car pooling, diaper changing, bathing, homework help, etc.) and all he has to do is be engaged as a loving father spending time nurturing and enjoying the child. This is kind of the scenario my mom and most moms of the 1950's were in anyway (mom raised the children, dad gave piggy back rides ;) ), and we kids turned out great!!! I know it's kinda not how it's done today in families, childrearing is more 50-50...but you have a different scenario with your AG, so you may need to approach things a little differently.. if it's the being tired issue with you om, then this may be a good compromise. He knows how childrearing is high-maintenance stuff since he's already done it (frankly, I wouldn't want to do it again on my own)...so maybe if he sees you are willing to take on the majority of the mundane work in it, he'd feel un burdened mentally and be receptive to the idea?

One child is pretty easy to raise, if you are the main caretaker...and being young, you could do a stellar job of it. Celine Dion is doing it really well :D

...I don’t want to be alone with no “family” later in life. I want a child so my guy and my creation could “live on”. Because of my guy’s age, statistically he will be gone first and way before me. My parents will be as well. So if my guy and I don’t have kids, I could be alone with no family in my 50’s (if everyone were to pass in their 70’s and 80’s). Who wants to spend the rest of their life alone? 50 is a young age to be alone-still a lot of miles to travel if you know what I mean. I know I would have lived happily until my 50’s (again if using the 70’s and 80’s mark). What about when I am up there in years? Who would take care of me? (with the thought that we all eventually take care of our parents somehow).

The first part of that paragraph makes a lot of sense... as an OM who isn't exactly thrilled about the idea of kids, I have found myself thinking it would be kinda neat to make a little "us."

But the rest of the paragraph is, IMHO, not a very good reason to have kids. I say that for two reasons:

1. Most parents forget that their job is to raise children to be indepedent adults. Instead they create some strange sort of "co-dependency" that includes an expectation that they've created some form of permanent companionship.

2. The idea that our children are going to "take care" of us is at best a fantasy that may or may not happen. It's wonderful when it happens, but there are many times when it doesn't... and I wonder if we shouldn't plan our lives in a way that doesn't depend on it.

I offer that not to be critical but because my thought would be to discover what it is about having a child that makes it so important. Knowing the "why's" will help with the "shoulds" and the "hows." This is, in a way, much like understanding why NOT having a child is important to him. When you start digging you may find you are more in agreement than not.

Special K's suggestion while a bit untraditional by today's standards shows how getting to the bottom layer can open the opportunity to creative decisions and strategies that allow both what's important to them.

Also, while I wouldn't recommend harboring hope, there's also the strong possibility that one or both you will alter your thinking as time passes.

Share the issue.

Thank you all for your insight. It is really appreciated.

I will definately mention to my guy the idea of me "doing all the running around and tiring stuff" in hopes he will think about that. I know he would be a great dad. His kids are great now. He had a hard time the last go round because his then partner did not see things eye to eye and it caused some stress between them. I truly believe it would be more rewarding for him and of course for me if we gave it a go with a child because we are on the same page and I believe in his ideas of how to raise kids.

If we were to have kids, I would want only one as I'd want to be able to enjoy my guy and my child together. I think that with 2 or more, somehow time together is lost (with the cliche "two kids are 3 times the work"). I am an only child myself. My guy is concerned about losing his place in "line" as #1 (as he was overlooked in his previous relationship). I understand that and wish there was a way I could show him that he would continue to be #1 as I would be even more appreciative of our family since he would be making a sacrafice for me and I'd want to show him forever that his choice was not a wrong one and was a more rewarding one than he could have imagined.

I hope my post did not come across as wanting a family to save myself from being alone later and/or as a hope for someone to "take care of me". I was puttig all my thoughts down and those came to mind. They are not the #1 reason I may want a baby; they are some thoughts in my head.

I believe the main reason I may want a baby with my guy is to share a creation of us, of our love, together and forever. I trust my guy with everything and want to share another layer of life with him. I believe the things I keep hearing that "you don't truly know love until you have a child" and want to share that with my guy. I also want to show my guy that whatever regrets he has from his previous relationship are forever gone and we could have a child that would be an extension of us both. I want him to see that a child with me would be totally different than the experience he had before.

I have shared that he would probably savor the moments with a child more now since he is no longer "trying to make something" of his life; the "struggle to get up the ladder" is over and that he would most likely be more capable to handle things that may come our way. Things that were "huge" in his 20's when he started his family would seem trivial now.

I am also more a part of our "team" than his previous relationship and he knows it.

Everyday for the past 7 years I have continually showed him how everything he thought he "knew" about relationships and love fell short of what there truly is to feel. I would hope he would consider this when thinking of us and the possibiltiy of a baby. Everything he knew would be different with me-because I am different and we are different together. My guy has said he loves himeself because of me and that I have changed him for the better.

If I have changed him, why wouldn't our child be great too? All I know is I love this man with all of my heart and soul.

As I was walking to work today (I work in New York City), I saw 3 teenagers talking and hanging out. They were laughing and having a good time. All I could think about was how their homes had "excitment" now that they are in their teen years. Kids coming over, eating everyting in sight, spending time at home (or at another's home). I thought about my life "on the other side of 50" and wondered if I'd miss the chaos and regret the silence (as it would be only the 2 of us).

Another poster said something about letting the future take care of itself. There is a part of me that wants to do just that as that was always my motto before. Sort of life happens and we are here to hold on for the ride.

I am also concerned about "breaking the news" to my parents that I am thinking about a life without kids. My mom (bless her heart) has been hinting around for a grand child. She is 58 and would love a little one to "play with" as she is home with an early retirement.

Another poster reiterated a line from Sex and the City about giving up a love for a baby she barely knows she wants. I feel that too-just don't know what the right answer for me is yet. I was just hoping my guy would not "close the door" on the possibility of a family. Now that he has closed the door, I am feeling like I want a baby because I was "told" we could not have one together.

Why is that when we are told we can't have something we want it even more? I swear my biological clock was on snooze and now its RINGING SO LOUD.

Did I mention this sucks?

I love him-he is so great to me. I don't want to be with out him.

Thanks for listening again. "talking" to you all is making me feel better.