Now HE is freaking out over age diff!

At age 27, dating 53 OM, I thought I was the one in the relationship with the biggest concern over the age gap. I've struggled with it in my private thoughts and mentioned it to him several times (worried what people think, aging issues, etc). He has always assured me that he feels proud to be with me and doesn't care what others think, etc. He didn't expect to fall in love, basically, but it comes as a nice surprise.
Now, out of the blue, he is totally freaking out about it. I think his worry was triggered when a dept. store clerk referred to me as his daughter. He was terribly embarrassed. Since that time he has become quite depressed and keeps saying that I need to be with someone my own age, not someone OLD and DYING like him (!) He says that he doesn't want to steal my life away from me, etc.
I can understand his concerns, but they came out of the blue and I'm a little surprised.
Lately he has been spending more and more time away from me. He golfs all day or goes fishing... I know he is thinking seriously about our relationship and I have a sneaking suspicion that I am about to get dumped!!
HELP!

Do you think he is using this as an excuse to break up? Could he have met someone else? It just doesn't make sense... Has he recently been told he is ill or something? :confused:

No, no, no! Perspective people!

Maggie, I'm not male or from that generation, but it seems obvious to me that feelings of inadequacy of crept into the relationship. I think you intuitively know this judging by the example you provide of the department store. In fact, it's clear that the implications of conducting a serious relationship with you are starting to sink in. I can only imagine his doubts, but they must run somewhere along the lines of: what will people think of me?how will I introduce her to my peers? Am I depriving her of the chance for happiness with someone of her own age group? Am I depriving her of her youth? What can she see in me? What happens further down the line? Will she fall out of love with me? Does she really know her own mind? Is she just infatuated with me?

I'm 32, but my advice would be to leave him alone to think things through in his own mind. Give him some space, he, and yourself, need to think about how ready you are to take on this relationship at a serious level. He is right to freak out now! Better now than later! It shows a level of earnestness...

All the best!

No, no, no! Perspective people! If you are talkin' to me, just to let you know, everyone has a PERSPECTIVE. Yours is not more valid than mine. All I did was ask her questions. :confused:

You came from YOUR experience and gave her YOUR PERSPECTIVE, just more things to think about. This isn't a contest as to who has the best perspective. It is a forum for people to give to the poster ideas to think about. Then it is up them to take what need and leave the rest.

Just a little perspective for you, dear heart! :p

Yellowrose, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend! And was not trying to belittle your perspective... that line was written half in jest! Anyway, of course your questions are valid, but frankly, I thought they didn't fit the situation, and am also mindful of the poor girl's state of mind!

No offence intended... peace.

It seems to me that he *has* been thinking about this, and that incident in the department store was the last straw.

I wonder if any OM, who is honest with himself, actually *never* thinks about or is bothered by these questions. My answer would be a resounding "no".

On the (very) positive side, at least it's out in the open now, so you and he will now be able to better work through these very real issues.

Take a deep breath, and let him work through these things. This may just be a phase that he will get over. Or he may not get over it at all.

If I were you, I would let him vent as much as he needs to. Reassure him, yes, but also don't fall into the trap of saying to yourself, "well, if he loved me/if our relationship was good, he wouldn't be thinking this way", because that's just not the truth.

I believe that the best that you can do right now is say "honey, I'm not going anywhere, but I also respect what you are feeling." Let him come to you in terms of speaking about it. But, don't put the cart before the horse here. Just because it came out in a manner which seemed to you to be "all of a sudden" doesn't mean that these thoughts haven't been there for a while.

I thought they didn't fit the situation, and am also mindful of the poor girl's state of mind! I am mindful of her state mind as well. :rolleyes:

Based on MY experience and some of my friend's experiences, I thought the questions were quite valid. I don't agree with everything that you say either but I don't post that. As I said, we all can give her our advice and thoughts. She can see what fits and what doesn't. :)

Also be aware that I am on pain killers right now for a very painful shoulder, so I might be just a bit cranky! Sorry! :p

No problem Yellowrose, no offence taken, you are entitled to your own opinions. Hope the shoulder gets better... :)

Hi Maggiemama...
It seems we have found ourselves in much of a similar situation. I actually recently got pushed away by my older man. I am 27 and he is 41... I wasn't aware of things because I was so happy that it didn't dawn on me until things started feeling drastically different..he too began to feel distance..or distancing himself....not that we didn't have enough already with him having to work elsewhere...but.... Right after he decided to break off our relationship I soon realize how much insecurity he was possessing....and exactly how much uncertainties there were for him about our relationship...and thus it simply couldn't be anything more than just great sex......with the age difference....definately being one of the factors.....I don't know if his ex-wives or even his daughter had anything to do with it...but I am not ruling it out.... It is almost as if instead of feeling young with me...he began to feel old.... he always had a great sense of humor that was one of the things I loved most about him.....but I guess it was his way of hiding from his feelings..... he joked about meeting my folks, joked about us having children together.....about me leaving him for a younger guy.... etc.... Unfortunately I never really got a chance to slow down these insecurities or get to address them with him....before it was too late. Now he's off ....I'm sure....thinking he's having the time of his life with another ....probably much closer in age to him.....and thus out of convience because she's there to be more with him........near his work......than I am.
He still has not given us a chance to talk about what happened....and probably won't for a little while but I know this all has to be eating at him inside.....I almost know that he can't be happy.... it's not what he wants and thus I guess he must learn even at his age......like many others...the hard way. I have chosen to give him the space he needs...and asked for.... I feel such a tremendous loss, but I am one of those who are full of faith and will believe that he will eventually come around and want to talk with me... or perhaps maybe even realize that what he had is okay.....that we don't have to fight so hard against or justify anything or to anybody a relationship between us......and then feel better not only about himself again but about us...and even as friends. (Most guys to me....even older one's these days seem to believe that it's not acceptable to be friends or have friends of the opposite sex if you are dating someone).
Hang in there girl....but don't be afraid to prepare yourself now...for loss....because it does happen....You can continue trying to be optimistic.....just let him know your there for him.....but remember it's better to have them in your life as friend then to not have them at all......

...I can only imagine his doubts, but they must run somewhere along the lines of: what will people think of me?how will I introduce her to my peers? Am I depriving her of the chance for happiness with someone of her own age group? Am I depriving her of her youth? What can she see in me? What happens further down the line? Will she fall out of love with me? Does she really know her own mind? Is she just infatuated with me?


If I may presume to offer an OM perspective (well, I am OLD!)... those are about 10% of the questions that run through our minds... we are complicated. LOL

I see a real danger in assuming the worst and would strongly suggest it's not even remotely likely that he's met someone else or is in failing health. If you read this forum I think you'll discover that he's acting fairly consistent with "typical? OM behavior during the early stages of an age gap relationship.

Obviously, you'll have to figure out what works best for him (and for you both), but I'd be a little cautious about "leaving him alone to think." Sometimes us old guys need a little help with our thinking 'cause we get it wrong. If you leave us with our doubts, we just may grow them bigger.

Again, I do not know what will work best for him... but you might consider really loving him through it. I'd consider letting him know that you have some of the same concerns... I think sometimes us old guys need the assurance that you YW aren't just ignoring the realities of the relationship. In other words, don't try to talk us out of it... share it with us. One of our weirdnesses is that we find it very easy to do your thinking for you... it's not that we think you are stupid... we just find it very easy to get caught up in our own doubts and end up thinking that the best thing for you is for us to let you go.

In other words, share your private thoughts with him, because he's probably having them too... and sharing them will start the road to dealing with them together. I think one key to relationships is simply that... being able to share.

If he's thinking you'll be better off without him... and you are thinking you are going to get dumped... well, at least you're both working in the same direction.

But you could work in a different direction!

I'd be a little cautious about "leaving him alone to think." Sometimes us old guys need a little help with our thinking I SO agree with this. Why quietly wait for the ax to fall?

It is not uncommon for guys to have less Testosterone in their 50's. The lack of this hormone can cause depression. Try to get him to a doctor or a counselor. Anything to get to the bottom of this. Good luck! :)

Thank you all for taking the time to reply... To answer some questions: I really don't think he's met anyone else b/c he spends most of his free time smelling like fish and worms or sweating on the golf course with the guys, ha ha!
I know his wheels are turning but he doesn't seem to want to talk about anything. I guess I could try being more patient and supportive instead of asking him why he is suddenly acting like such a JERK!
We went out last night and stayed on opposite ends of the bar. He said that he didn't want to get in my way or cramp my style... I guess he is testing me.
If he doesn't open up soon I have a feeling that I will simply walk away b/c this is waaaay too stressful.
He is so sure I will leave for someone younger, which is funny to me. It's not like I haven't had younger boyfriends before. And I know I could have them now if I wanted them.
I love my OM for so many reasons... Maybe I'll put a little more effort into letting him know how great he is & how much he means to me.
If that doesn't do the trick, I'm moving on.

p.s. I'm not a very patient person, can you tell?

Only you can decide if he is worth hanging on to and getting him over his fears. My OM is 63 and a couple of weeks ago while car shopping the salesman asked if I was his daughter. We had a good laugh about it, until later that night when he brought it up and wanted to know if it bothered me at all to be with someone that looks like my dad. I wrapped my arms around him and said it never bothers me. I love him and will love him when he is 93! The subject occasionally comes up and I know he thinks about it. The difference is that we have vowed to be open and honest about our fears no matter what they are.

Maggie, I tend to think like Wally, that he does need some reassurance rather than to be left alone. My take on it, is that he's feeling sorry for himself and is pushing you away. I'd try to really treat him and show him just how important he is to you. I tend to think that left alone, he'd probably convince himself to break up with you - it's up to you to show him how great your relationship is. Good luck with it. :)

...I guess I could try being more patient and supportive instead of asking him why he is suddenly acting like such a JERK!

...I love my OM for so many reasons... Maybe I'll put a little more effort into letting him know how great he is & how much he means to me.


That's the best advice on this thread!

Hi. I know how you feel about all of this. We have similar age differences too. I am 28 and OM is 55. When we first started "seeing" each other, the age difference was brought up a lot between us. My mind is always asking myself questions about it (too many to list), but I always have the same answer. I'm not afraid of any of it. I just want to be with him. I love and care for him. He used to say the age difference "scared the hell out of him". We kept our involvement a secret till now, only telling select people that we trusted. He said he told a friend and he was like "go for it!"...lol...but his friends wife said, "What in the world do you two talk about?"..lol. She had a neg. perspective. I personally do not care what anyone thinks. I just know how I feel, what I want, it is my life and not theirs. ( I wish I could offer you advice than this, but I am "going through it" too. I thought you may want to hear another story, and that you aren't alone.)

Unfortunately though, regardless of that, we may be going down the tubes. I have been spending the past week, really thinking about things.

Just to give you a brief summary of the background of this....We started "seeing" each other outside of work about 8 months ago. I have known him for almost a year. The reason why I keep putting "seeing" in quotes is because obviously to him we are friends with benefits. To me I am seeing him (dating). The harsh reality of this hit me hard recently. This whole 8 months we really have done no more that meeting for coffee for an hour or two once to twice a week or so. Occassionally meeting for dinner, and once to twice a month, having sex. There has been no progression at all. If you want a little more info you can look at some of my past posts. I guess you can search by my username.

Now I know he is a very busy man. He has a lot going on. He has a full time job, and an insurance business to handle. yet, I still feel like if he really had feelings for ma as he says, he would want to try to make more time with me, or would want to do more or different things with me then the same old stuff we have been doing for 8 months. He does call me every day, but it is always in the mornings, he rarely calls in the evenings or during the day, unless he wants us to meet or something. Recently it has been bothering me, so I talked to him about it. The conversation got a little sour. He said (as always) " I have to focus on my business, it has fell apart...it is my retirement, it is my life, I have to do this. I used to be a millionaire, now I have nothing, and renting a box (his house is not a box btw, it is an average size house) I'm not dating ANYONE right now." Of course I say, "you go out with me and sleep with me, what is that?" He says, "Well, I shouldn't have done that, I have feelings for you and............". Then he says we won't have sex anymore and continue to be friends for a while. yeah right. At that moment I really felt like a fool. The a couple days later he called me in the morning and said he was going golfing which he seems to do once a week...all day. So I said, "you say you have no time, but you sure do go golfing a lot." His response was, "It is Saturday (raised tone), I'm not explaining myself anymore. I don't need to explain myself to you or anyone. I don't explain myself to my own mother." FOOL FOOL FOOL. So he says he's not dating me now, that it will be a while before he dates. For me to see other people if that is what I want. It is up to me. Yet one day I hung out with a guy friend for an hour or so, and he threw it back at me. I had told him that I didn't understand how he can sleep with someone and say he has feelings, and not care what they do or who they see. He said, "How about you, you say you have all these feeling for me, but you went and stayed the night at that guys house." :eek: I told him I did not, I was there from 11:30 to 1 and left when he tried to sleep with me. How can he say that? When he is rejecting me to further our relationship, and telling me to move on? FOOL FOOL FOOL. Move on, but keep doing what we have been doing? It is so confusing. I told him he is hurting me, and he says that I am hurting him by trying to get in the way of what he needs to do. Asking me to please respect that. I AM, I just want a little progression, that is all. Even if it is one day a month for us to go do something together...for the day. Is that too much to ask? I asked him, "please, if you know there can never be anything between us due to our age difference or something, please tell me now." He says, " I don't know. The age difference takes a back seat to everything right now. If a year, two or three from now, if something happens, great." :eek: He expects me to hang around that lone I guess.

Although I have thought about it, I have come to the conclusion that I would rather be a fool and let this continue, then not tAlk to or see him again. It hurts too much.

Sorry this turned into a book. Guess I needed to vent. Hope things get better in your situation. Who knows where mine is going. It seems no where.

Unsure,
Don't know if you will read this or not since the original post is getting old...
Just had to laugh when I read your post b/c our age gap is the same and b/c me OM also has an insurance business! And golfs, etc...
I guess these insurance guys just like younger women, ha ha!
Your guy seems really shy about making a commitment, unlike mine. I'm sorry about that. I think you should try to pull back a little b/c it sounds like you are headed for heartbreak. He is giving you all the classic BS lines, like, "have to stay focused on business, etc." And I don't like the way he just comes and goes in your life but still tries to keep tabs on you.
Hope things work out. Be careful.

Hi Unsure,

He is not respecting you. He say's you're not dating, but then got jealous of another guy. You are making it easy for him to be wishy-washy. You need to tell him that if you are not dating, you will not be seeing him, and you will both be free to see other people. Explain it in a nice way, not an angry way - like you're not upset with him, you just realize he needs his space and ought to explore it.

And then - go ahead and see other people. Not to make him jealous, but if you meet someone else you like, feel free to date them.

This ultimatum will force him to make a decision, maybe not right away, but after he's missed you a while. He will either decide he wants to commit to you, or he doesn't want to see you anymore. Either way you win, because you're not stuck in this undignified situation.

Hope that helps,
Lyle

Another perspective from an old man (49)…

Two thoughts in general to all the nice YW who have trouble with their ageing depressed OM who behave like jerks… ;)

1. We do not lie as many times as you may think…

We are very used to our daily, weekly routines. A good old friend of mine seldom has the time to speak to me on the phone (guess about what I would like to talk…) but EVERY DAY he plays badminton for at least one hour! And the rest of the day he slaves away for his own business… I for myself had to learn that it has nothing to do with me when he has NO TIME!

2. As for “suddenly”…

This same old friend told me a while ago (speaking about old times) how his admired beauty one day SUDDENLY was all in love with him and became his girlfriend. Well, there is no “suddenly”. Men and women alike tend to hide their feelings and thoughts of insecurity. They ponder, they observe, they act shy until they come to a “decision” or an “insight” (this can be a very unconscious process) and all of a sudden they change their behaviour. Regrettably they missed to tell the other one about their true feelings but at least these feelings pop up very clearly then…

Follow the advice of WallyPop!

Have a little bit of patience… But if this does not work… Take an advice from my grand aunt who was nearly ninety at the time (“land” also means “country” in my mother tongue):

There is not just a handful – there is all the land full! :)

BlueBird

I agree with what someone said before... One really doesn't notice the concern our OM's have at times... Mine always assured me that he didn't mind the age gap, so I was all confident about it and almost never brought it up, but reality was another... When we started having serious problems months ago, I remember him saying that maybe I was too young for him... I mean, after like 7 months, that was the 1st time he mentioned something about the age gap, and I wondered how long he had been thinking that!
All I did was hang in there and show him all my love, and that I also did have concerns, but that they weren't so big that they wouldn't let me love him...

Just show him how much you care for him, hopefully, he'll understand that your happiness is with him, not with someone your age as he thinks.