Ltr?

So here I am. I think I finally feel like I can be here! LOL :p

The reason I thought to post in the LTR forum is because I wonder how you all in LTRs are faring on the romance front. You read a lot of posts from AGRs where they are just starting out and it's all "YM are so great cause of stamina and the sex is HOT, blah..blah...blah."

Going on two years and already feeling like an old married couple after living together for over a year, I have to say things have slowed considerably. But other factors came into play - his 4 year old moved in with us, my kids are living with us now, he changed from working nights to working days and there's a lot more stress on days. So, gone is the 2 times a day lovefest! LOL!

However, one thing IS different - he cares about keeping things alive more than any other guy I've dated. The OM I've been with just past just seemed to start to take things for granted. The effort wasn't there and the "courtship" stopped dead. Jeremy seems pretty determined - even after the typical 18 month "cool down" that seems to occur in typical relationship. We are still romantic and still talk to each other in that sickingly sweet newbie baby voices! LOL! :p

Anyone notice that the romance is lasting longer? Is there any difference than in past relationships? Or is it all the same as with OM you've been with? Are younger guys today putting more effort into relationships? Or is it just cause I've finally found the right guy for me? LOL

I know this is rambling. I'm not trying to pigeon hole OW/YM because I know that, for the most part, they are no different than any other relationship. Just wondering if anyone feels that today's YM are a bit "different" even now after the relationship has gotten past the typical mushy stage?

Whether it's the OW/YM dynamic or just that Jeremy and I were really made for each other - I'm lovin' it! :D

*rats* I just typed out a novel and lost it! :mad:
Lemme try this again. As I was saying...
We are surely in what you would call a LTR. Soon to be 13 years married. We have not lost any of the romance. I still get excited to see him when he comes in from work. You know, that all giddie excited. It's true. And I still can't wait for him to call me during the day.

We still are really physical. I guess sickening to some. hehe. I will say that some of the initial sticking to each other like glue has left but only because we are more obligated to other things now. And it would just be rude to be all over each other like we used to do in some of the places we have to be now....

The romance has not left. Brownbear has always been romantic. And he always goes the extra mile to make sure the flame doesn't go out.

I don't know if it is due to him being younger or not. But, life has thrown a few punches at us over the years and he has always shown utmost maturity and love.
Always going the extra mile.

I have to add that unfortunately I was married 9 FREAKIN' LONG years prior to Brownbear. The flame went out about 1 hour after the wedding. I CAN tell you that he never was concerned over the relationship staying romantic. And he most assuredly took everything for granted. BTW, he was not younger. Same age. Not that it has anything to do with it.

Brownbear is the youngest I have ever dated and he definately has always been the more attentive to the relationship. I don't know if it's because we are a match made in Heaven or if it has anything to do with his age. Anyway, I am lovin' it too Kristin. :D

side note- pregnancy was great with my y/m. he treated me like a queen ;)

Kindanice, I hope we grow up to be just like you and Brownbear! :D

How old are you guys now, if you don't mind sharing? And how old when you got together and got married?

31 and 41 :D
18 and 28 :p

life is like a box of chocolate you never know what you got till you take a bite :p
You just got to do your best and be nice to each other. Everybody has bad days but I don't think its as much of a age thing as it is a caring, giving, trying to please the other type of thing.
P.S. she was married before 9 years no baby, married 2 months baby on the way who's the man :D

Congratulations to the Bears!

I'm not LTR yet, only 10 months, but our relationship is on the cusp of changing from an exciting, new romance to something a bit more steady....still with plenty of sex...but we know each other much better now, and my God, he is THE most understanding-able-to-listen boyfriend EVER!

So, how long do you think is long enough for a relationship to be classed as long-term?

Geez, you should've been posting here a loooong time ago! I'm really happy that things are going so well for you! Maybe its me who really isn't quite eligible to be calling my relationship a LTR yet. But being the romantic that I am, I would answer your question by saying I think it is the guy! :D

I dunno. I think the term LTR is dependant on the person! LOL! If none of your relationships got past 3 months and you're at a year, that's LTR for you. LOL j/k ;)

I think if you get past that 18 month mark, you're doing pretty well. Having been with my ex for 17 years, two years hardly seems "long term." But Jeremy and I are also past that first flush that brings a lot of people to Ageless in the first place, you know?

Those first few weeks and months are CRAZY and a lot of fun, but things settle down eventually (not too much for us!) and you get into the business of feeling much more stable and confident and a "couple." That time period could be different for everyone.

So, I'd say, for me, I'm at the very beginning of LTR, but past the "dating" stage, you know? Does that even make sense?? LOL!

I just want to keep it fun and romantic and as much like the courting time was as possible. I think that is really important and so does Jeremy - so I think it'll work.

It's hard dealing with day-today again tho. When you first hook up, it's like you're in your own little world and nothing gets in the way. Sex all the time, doing crazy things, going out. NOw we are so settled down already. But we are still feeling amazingly like we did in those early days. I've never had that before. In past relationships, I'd hit this stage and feel like it was the beginning of the end. All of the sudden, you don't take priority anymore, all of the romantic gestures are gone, etc.

Even the the sex has slacked off from the 2 times a day (not for a lack of desire - just pure exhaustion!) we are still goofy, still mushy, still attentive to each other's needs, etc. It's really cool.

I was also afraid that domesticating our relationship would somehow wreck it. Before he moved in, the time I spent with Rocco was always when my son wasn't around and it was like stepping away from my regular life into a world of delights with no stress and no responsibility. I really didn't want to lose that.

We always spent Wednesday nights and Saturday nights together - often more, but always those two nights were reserved for being with one another. When Rocco moved in, he said he wanted to keep those two nights as special nights, separate from the routine of daily life. So that's what we do - every Wednesday we have a special meal and do something sexy and romantic, as we do on the Saturdays when my son isn't here. When he is here, it is our habit to go out to dinner and to a movie together.


This quote is from another thread about dealing with kids, but I loved this part. Especially "it was like stepping away from my regular life into a world of delights with no stress and no responsibility. I really didn't want to lose that."

THAT'S what I was trying to say in a way. You have this little world and once you settle in, that seems to fade away.

What a great idea to keep those days if you can. I think I'll talk to Jeremy about getting something like that - but we have to somehow get rid of the kids! LOL

We did have Friday night pool leagues, but that is over and I can't drink anymore for a while. Hmmm...what to do? :confused:

I'm a little reluctant to own up to being in a long term relationship, largely because I suppose if I name it, I'm tempting fate. Silly, but I denied that this was a "relationship" for a long time and my friends still tease me about it. When my YM, Rocco, moved in, I told everyone it was just temporary, which it was originally, and then when we decided it should be permanent, my announcements were greeted with comments like "we wondered when you'd figure that out". Maybe my immaturity is a match for a 30 year old and that's why we get along (lol).

It's certainly hard to keep the magic spontaneous when you have kids, no matter who you're with. Kids do go on sleepovers though and even though it can feel artificial, I think it's to take advantage of those times and create a certain mood and certain opportunities for spontaneity. I have friends with kids who are in the same boat and we trade off weekend sleepovers some times. It's good for everyone - the kids get a special night with a friend and the parents get some alone time.

I am probably more committed to this because I'm older and I've been in three spousal relationships before. I know how awful it gets when you've stared at your partner's dirty socks on the floor over and over and seen him flossing his teeth and can't remember the last time you thought of him as hot. I don't want to go back there again. You have to work to create the right world to live in.

But it can be done.

Good luck.

Hey Kristin....

Well I definitely know what your talking about. We are at 5-1/2 years now. Our schedules are horrendous and don't match up at all...

He gets up at 5 p.m. (kids are home from school, dinner is on, you know the drill). He leaves for work at 9 p.m. Im in bed by 11 p.m. Most mornings I go to work between 5 a.m. and 6 a.m....He doesn't even get home until around 7:30 a.m. He's back in bed 9 a.m. *sigh*

Every day life has pretty much killed our sex life. Used to be twice a day...nows it like twice a week (seriously) because of work, house, kids, yard work, whatever..we are both exhausted 99% of the time.

We feel like an old married couple too....which is nice in a way because I don't have any of those worries I had when we first got together...in other words I have gotten over the age gap issues. I don't think he ever had any in the first place. But on the other hand...I sure miss the "fireworks" from when we first started out.

It's hard dealing with day-today again tho. When you first hook up, it's like you're in your own little world and nothing gets in the way. Sex all the time, doing crazy things, going out. NOw we are so settled down already. But we are still feeling amazingly like we did in those early days. I've never had that before. In past relationships, I'd hit this stage and feel like it was the beginning of the end. All of the sudden, you don't take priority anymore, all of the romantic gestures are gone, etc.

I read this little part of your post Kristin, and all I could think was how much I would love to be at that settled point in the relationship. Oh the joy of being able to be together long enough to get bored with each other!! The problem with us is the distance. All this makes me wonder if that distance makes a couple identify their relationship as a LTR long before it actually is in the physical/geographic sense. What I am trying to say is that to keep this thing going, there almost has to be the sense that it is leading to something permanent and long term from the beginning. I don't think anyone would want to struggle with a LDR, if they thought it could be over in the blink of an eye!

!

However, one thing IS different - he cares about keeping things alive more than any other guy I've dated. The OM I've been with just past just seemed to start to take things for granted. The effort wasn't there and the "courtship" stopped dead.

Kristen It had to just be the guy.. because My husband is 17 years my senior and he is wonderful....... He is the most attentive, caring, romantic, and loving man I've ever dated. I pretty much feel it's the person rather than the age..... I never had any luck with YM unfortunatly, I'm not saying you can't but I just want to say it's not the age but the man.. and You and Jeremy are fabulous together!!

I think it strikes a curiousity with me when I see us always saying either YM are to immature or OM are to tired to love etc.... I just think it's all about the man or woman ;)


My husband and I are just so happy to be with each other and share such a beautiful baby together... If my house goes away and i lose all my money I'm still the richest woman in the world.. I got the best men in the world that I love!!!! ;) but then we'd have to get jobs and find a new house LOL

All this makes me wonder if that distance makes a couple identify their relationship as a LTR long before it actually is in the physical/geographic sense.

I too am trying to define whether it's really LTR at this point. We've been together for a year and a half and have known each other online much longer, but we've only spent just over 5 weeks together so far in person.

My longest relationship was 8 years (with the father of my children) and it ended because he cheated and I completely lost interest at that point.

I'm engaged and mostly happy but I would love to be able to hold him every night, yet, being long distance across the ocean, I have to settle for his picture on my bedside table as we say goodnight on the phone, for now.

We both hope to have a future together and are devoted to being monogomous and doing what we can to be a couple while so far apart. I think we qualify as long term, or at least as intended long term, since this certainly is not a fling!

Mer, I totally agree with you about the guy not the age. Unfortunately, all my experience until now were of men from my own generation. I have nothing to compare Jeremy to - not that ANY man can compare! LOL! So, not really "age-related" but "generational."

I guess I was just wondering out loud if maybe we are finally raising a generation of men (Jeremy's generation) that actually care about relationships more from the "get go." Could it be that your guy came to be the way he is from past experience rather than his upbringing? I know that my views on relationships have changed and I appreciate Jeremy all the more for what I DIDN'T have in past relationships, you know?

But, I also know that most guys at Jeremy's age aren't in the stage he is - done with the playing the field and ready to settle down - so it's no wonder that a YW of his age would be hard-pressed to find a guy who is so committed - so older guys who have learned what is really important and are past "sowing oats" would be much more appealing! Does that make sense?

Jo!! :eek: OK, I can't complain anymore! That really sucks! With schedules like that, I'm surprised you're even able to hook up at all! LOL You poor dear!

I decided to take charge a bit this morning - the alarm went off 15 minutes early so I decided to fight the urge to go back to sleep and sent Jeremy to work with a huge smile on his face! LOL!

Rozie & Charlotte - I can't even pretend to know what you go through in an LDR. I don't know if I could do it. But I would say that it would be hard (looking from the outside) to call it an LTR yet if you aren't actually together physically. I would even venture that an LTR involves actually living together. When you live apart, it's too easy to be on your best behavior and show tolerence. And when you are apart so long - well...the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" didn't come from nowhere. If that were Jeremy and I, we wouldn't get out of bed until he left and the rest of the world would go on "pause" - just like it did when we first started dating!! :p Boy, that's an interesting way to keep the spark, huh?

But, when you are together IRL and dealing with the kids fighting and coming up with the rent money and grocery shopping and trying to negotiate chores, etc - that can be a quick romance killer and a real test of your love and commitment - not that staying committed when you are apart isn't hard, I just think you are going to have to basically start over IRL when you are actually togther.

But, who knows? Maybe staying together through the hardships of LDR will make the other stuff seem like a breeze? I'd hate to think that you would get through years of LDR only to have it fall apart from the day-to-day drudgery that we speak of here! :(

When you live apart, it's too easy to be on your best behavior and show tolerence. And when you are apart so long - well...the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" didn't come from nowhere.

Strictly by definition you might be right Kritsitin. Our relationships are not LTR's in the same sense as your and Jeremy's. I like Charlotte's line about an Intended Long Term Relationship. My b/f used a line the other night, called himself "ultra" committed. Sparked quite a discussion. We could say that we are in a ILTR or a UCR....lol!

I wrapped up a snippet from your last post because I do want to say that I think both of these are sort of LDR myths. We are not on our best a lot of the time we are together. More than half our visits I have been on my period...we try to see each other about once a month and damn, we've hit it 4 times in a row. We are usually both exhausted because we are cramming in a flight after a full work day and then there is the issue of the cost of all these trips, that always casts a pall over the time together. Absence doesn't make a heart grow fonder. It just makes you hurt and miss the other like crazy!

I don't dismiss what you are going through. Its a tough period in life...been there and done that and it will get harder. I think Jo gave you a real honest peek at the reality. But from what I've read of you and Jeremy, I think you will weather it beautifully. What strikes me as different with my YM vs. my ex-husband is that when we are at our worst, we still manage to talk and try to understand and support each other. With my ex we didn't blow up; we simply wrote each other off and shut down. The disdain was there right from the beginning. It was like there was this constantly running score card in the marriage. But the mundane things like changing the diapers, having a four year old crawl into bed with you, tripping over the toys...I bet if you were to ask my ex, he would do it over in a heart beat. (Just with someone else, lol.) THAT is not the stuff that kills a relationship!!

Mer, I totally agree with you about the guy not the age. Unfortunately, all my experience until now were of men from my own generation. I have nothing to compare Jeremy to - not that ANY man can compare! LOL! So, not really "age-related" but "generational."
(

I agree... I say the same thing myself.. Its always the experiences we live .....

Its nice to see here that we are starting to see our Members start LTR's now!!

I like Charlotte's line about an Intended Long Term Relationship. My b/f used a line the other night, called himself "ultra" committed. Sparked quite a discussion. We could say that we are in a ILTR or a UCR....lol!

I wrapped up a snippet from your last post because I do want to say that I think both of these are sort of LDR myths. We are not on our best a lot of the time we are together.
I liked Charlott's line, too - about intended. I want to acknowledge that your LTR tho long distance is still not to be taken lightly IMO. I don't mean to suggest that it's not "real" because I know it is. I know you face people all of the time that don't view it as "real" and I want to say that I'm not in that camp!

I just think you may have to - oh, how to put it - "start over" when you both are living together full time, because living together is a whole different dynamic. But I'd certainly call your's and Charlott's relationships LTR compared to someone who has been dating online for a few months. You've both met your guys and had to work through adversity. But if you had been exclusively online in your relationships, I'd have a hard time calling that "long term."

When I meant by being together, it wasn't just people in LDR, I'd even include people who are not LDR but don't live together, either. Things just change A LOT when you move in together. It's easier to be on best behavior when you can get away from each other at the end of the day. But when you have to sleep next to each other and face each other first thing in the morning - with kids fighting and the dog waiting to go out and all the towels are in the wash - that's different from being able to wake up and not have to deal with anyone else, you know? (You were married, so I'm sure you understand what I'm saying.)

So, I guess I would put LDR in the same boat as people dating but not living together - of course you love each other just as much as people living together, it's just a "wait and see" approach for me if you'll weather the rest of the challenges that come with actually living together.

But, just the fact that you have remained committed to each other, in spite of the distance, makes me think you'll do just fine. After all, the biggest hurdle in a LTR live-in is learning to cooperate and work together towards a similar goal - and you both in, what I'll call LDLTR (Long term, long distance relationship) are already dealing with that hurdle. So I'm flip-flopping around all over here! LOL :p

So , I guess you both should be considered LTR compared to newbie LDRs and those of us living together are LTR compared to all of the newbie non-LDr relationships. Both categories have weathered storms that the newbies haven't yet.

How's that? :D :cool:

I agree with what you said Kristin about "starting over" in a way.

James and I dated for 4-1/2 years but did not live together. We had our own mini-LDR where he lived about 30 miles from me, and we only saw each other on the weekends. Even after dating for that long period of time, moving into together definitely was a different ball game.

However whether you are physically together in the same house day after day, or you have sustained an LDR relationship...they are still all long-term relationships-just different types.

I'm not a strong enough person to have an LDR. I've tried it, it was really difficult. When that didn't work out, I promised myself I just would not do that again, because I don't handle it well AT ALL. I really admire those of you who are able to make an LDR work.

they are still all long-term relationships - just different types.

Yep, yep! EXACTLY the convoluted conclusion I came to! LOL! :D :cool:

When Jeremy and I first started dating, I owned my house five minutes away from his apartment. It was an oasis for me, to escape the life I was barely living. My own little cocoon of love, comfort, fantasy and passion. My kids were at home and his daughter was living with her mother. There were no interruptions, no worries. When we were together, it was always a treat - day to day drudgery was not something we had to face.

Living together, now we do. It really does get in the way sometimes and can be very frustrating. Love making is often late at night otherwise interrupted. Just having quiet time to talk like we used to do is rare. The kids try to play us off each other. Yada yada yada.

Sometimes I just fantasize about running away from it all! Sure makes you realize that an OW/YM relationship really isn't much different from any other once you get past the initial thrill of it all. And on top of it all, I tend to take on more of the stress of running the household because of his lack of experiece. But, he works a very stressful job that is keeping us in the black most of the time, so I look at it as a trade off.

But, that difference of knowing things about running a household/life that he doesn't I would say is one difference. Very often I can't just expect him to know - he is learning from me the way I had to learn. The only difference is that my ex didn't know anymore than I did, so I usually had to call my parents when I didn't know what to do! LOL

OK, ramble over. :p

I agree with what you said Kristin about "starting over" in a way.

James and I dated for 4-1/2 years but did not live together. We had our own mini-LDR where he lived about 30 miles from me, and we only saw each other on the weekends. Even after dating for that long period of time, moving into together definitely was a different ball game.

However whether you are physically together in the same house day after day, or you have sustained an LDR relationship...they are still all long-term relationships-just different types.

I'm not a strong enough person to have an LDR. I've tried it, it was really difficult. When that didn't work out, I promised myself I just would not do that again, because I don't handle it well AT ALL. I really admire those of you who are able to make an LDR work.

absoltuely..... I believe we had a thread on what is a long term relationship and what people cnsidered it was.... It's interesting how we all differ on that... it's up the the person to feel its long term.... I do give it to those wh can make a LDR work I'm like Jo I cant!!!

...P.S. she was married before 9 years no baby, married 2 months baby on the way who's the man :D

Oh...u the man :p ...u the man :D

To give another perspective from the gent's side, my lady always worries that it will be me who won't find her attractive as time goes by. She has worried that the "novelty" of an older lady would wear off. I suppose that some gents worry about the same thing.

Well, its been about three years, and she has aged in that time. Yet, as time has gone by, things have certainly gotten only more romantic. To be fair, we didn't start off with any sort of physical love, and still have limited the physical to hugs and kisses. But in terms of all of the nonphysical parts of romance, we have definitely kept it alive and well.

And Kindanice and Brownbear, CONGRADULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !

DanE

......And Kindanice and Brownbear, CONGRADULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !

DanE

GEE, THANKS!!!!:D