The Good, The Bad and The Ugly!

One thing counseling has really brought out into the open for Robin and me, is the fact that a long-term relationship has so many aspects to it. She says it's like this "stew" that we've created, I put in some stuff, he put in some stuff, and now we have to sort through the stew and spoon out the bad stuff.

One of the ways the bad stuff got there, was from baggage we both carried from childhood on. I used to think that younger men didn't have baggage, but they do, they just aren't at all aware of it. You can spot baggage when you're communicating with your so. If something you say gets a negative reaction from him or her, you've hit a "trigger". You have to recognize that's it's a trigger, they have to recognize that it's a trigger, and then you have to figure out where it came from and what you did to bring it out.

One of the things we discovered was that we don't always "play nice". Sometimes, when we argue, we totally go off of the subject and start saying negative stuff to eachother that has nothing to do with the subject at hand. We must sound like two preschoolers! A lot of people who've been together a long time do this without even knowing it. It creates an unpleasant environment for both people, and then they have to heal from that conversation. If it happens a lot, the healing no sooner happens and then more harm is done with the next conversation.

Words are powerful things. I never knew how hurtful I could be with them. I always thought I was so sweet! LOL Robin didn't realize how hurtful his words were either. Just talking nicely to eachother has made home life so much more pleasant! Trying to be constructive instead of destructive creates an atmosphere we both actually want to exist in, and gives us the energy to move forward working on this.

It's not all ***and giggles, folks! Sometimes ya gotta get your hands dirty!

In getting your hands dirty and getting to the bottom of things that makes the relationship stronger. Great post!

DanE

Well, we had a huge fight Friday, over Robin spending almost all of his free time up at our neighbor Steve's house with the guys, and he ended up leaving. Where did he go? Up to Steve's house! Steve bought the house next door to his own, and it has become the "halfway house" for guys who are fighting with their wives!

So I didn't talk to Robin for two days, I was too proud to walk up there and he was too proud to walk down. Finally I walked up this morning (there's no phone there) to find him sitting by himself, with that pathetic lonely look on his face, all scruffy from sleeping on the couch, and half-starved.

We had a great talk and excellent make-up sex. :D I had forgotten how to "play nice" when arguing. They say habits take a month to learn, plus I was majorly PMSing. It's hard for me to curb my biting words when I'm filled with strong emotion. Robin said that I really hurt him and he was so mad.

I'm discovering more and more what a NEEDY EDIE I am! Why couldn't I just occupy my time when he's up there? He's having "male bonding" time, figuring stuff out guy style, why do I have to butt in and ruin that? Why am I so high maintenance? Do any of you think of yourselves as high maintenance?

Polly-

I am learning in relationships how much pride can really hurt. I too have had to learn that sometimes when I feel hurt(and I am very passive) that bottling up and using my pride as a tool to feel better only hurts myself. It has been hard to realize it but I am learning so much more about relationships than I ever allowed myself to. Good for you for recognizing the problem because that my dear IS the battle to be won!

-Nibbles

I did some "healing work" in therapy the other day, discovering in the process why I don't like to be alone. Apparently, I have this "hurt", this "entity" inside of me since I was a little kid (still don't know what caused it) that feels useless, unloved, and unwanted. Here's the big revelation...no one can heal this but ME! I can't look to Robin or anyone else to heal it.

The first step was recognizing it and getting to know it. The next step was to give it a voice. Now, I'm in the process of trying to figure out what it needs to heal it. Robin is off the hook! LOL It sure was an intense session, but what great progress we are making!

I still feel a pang of rejection and lonliness when he leaves me and goes up to my neighbor's for "guy time", but instead of feeding that negative feeling, I went to my friend's house and ended up having a great time!

I guess some people in a relationship need their partner's company more than the other person. Robin, for instance, NEEDS his space, needs a break from me once a day (we work together often). I'm a pretty intense person to have to be around all the time. LOL I'm grateful that he's sticking by me through counseling and doing his part. I was amazed at how much I was able to open up in front of him, of how vulnerable I was able to make myself. It definitely made us closer.

Anyway, thought I'd update y'all on that. It was a very revealing session for me.