Frustrated w/ the ex

Can I just say this? I really, really, REALLY dislike my ex-husband. I know that's probably a no-brainer but I am really struggling with this! I'm not used to having such strong, negative feelings about anyone but I cannot stand the guy. He's rude, bossy, and a loud mouth.

PLUS, what really gets me? He and his wife try to override my parenting and continually try to "catch me in the act" of doing something -- anything!! -- truly heinous. Their complete and utter disrespect for me as a parent just gets my stomach in knots.

My exhusband and I have one child together, age 9. He quizzes her daily on everything that goes on in my house and it drives me nuts. Tim walked to the grocery store (2 blocks away) while I was at work one day and the kids didn't want to go with him so he let my 12 year old watch the 9 year old while he was gone for 15 minutes. He also had them lock all doors, made sure they had his cell phone number right next to the house phone, and hand our next door neighbor on call "just in case..." My youngest, not thinking anything about it, told her dad. He threatened to call the police. The other day, she told him how she's been sleeping on the couch for the past couple of weeks. We've just moved, her loft bed was too tall for her room and we're buying a new bed for her. Knowing how my ex is, my 12 year old offered to let my youngest sleep in her bed until the new one arrives but my youngest thought it would be fun to sleep on the couch. My exhusband is again threatening to call the police, blah blah blah.

Whether he *ever* calls the police or not isn't the issue; I am a good parent and I am tired of them undermining my parenting to our daughter. It's disrespectful and, frankly, bad parenting on their part. He constantly sends me letters telling me that he's going to forgo his "visitation option" for this reason or that reason; this year was his year to have our daughter Easter weekend and he and his wife got an overnight babysitter & went out of town. I would have HAPPILY had her stay with us for Easter!

I just cannot understand how anybody can be such a horrible parent as to try and get a child to "take sides" like this. This has been going on for nearly five years and there is still no end in sight. What is wrong with people??

~sigh~

Sorry for the vent but I just had to let off some steam. :mad:

None of the examples you have given could be construed as being a bad mother. Specially not leaving a 12 yr old in charge of a 9 year old for a few minutes. That is part of raising kids, leaving them alone for short periods of time.

Anyways, I would talk to my younger daughter about discretion, tell her that you and your dad have 2 separate families and that families are like a flower that has beautiful petals and leaves that everybody sees but they also have parts that are only for the flowers and the bees and if you pick apart a flower it will die. In other words, do not comment on everything that happens at home not to her dad, not to her friends.

Maybe some people will disagree with me about teaching a child to be secretive, so it is up to you to present it in a positive manner. Your call.

I absolutely appreciate all feedback, sheila -- thank you.

I have to chuckle because, although he sometimes makes it extremely difficult, I remind myself daily that he is her daddy and I will NOT say unkind things about him (certainly not in front of her, at any rate!). I do have to admit, though, that the time he got the babysitter for Easter, I did slip up and called him an idiot (under my breath but she still caught it) -- I felt horrible. If he wants to belittle me, that's his business; that is not the kind of parent I want to be.

I don't think it's a bad idea to maybe "suggest" that the things that go on in your house stay there.... Expecially where it's something like this... but at her age It may be hard because it is her dad....

Honestly I would maybe just leave her out of it.. and go straight to your Ex... I would just tell him like it is... I don't know what the age limit is in your area for leaving a child alone... and I believe that all children vary when it comes to being responsible.... but quite honestly it's none of your ex's business and I would go straigit to him and tell him how you feel and ask him what does he think it's doing to his daughter BY bringing an innnocent child into this and trying to pin one against the other.... In my opinion he's doing the damage and tell him that

Hey, MrsHedgeHog, (coming in late, sorry) I agree that it's a thin line trying to get a 9 year old to understand that some things have to be kept private from her father. At the least, I'd sit her down and say, "If you feel comfortable with the questions Daddy asks and you want to answer him, go right ahead, but if you feel uncomfortable, just say, 'Daddy, I think maybe you should ask Mommy that/these questions."

Could that help? I think kids are pretty tuned-in to the different way questions can make them feel. Then again, if he's such a jerk, she may be very eager to please him and a bit afraid to displease him.

Isn't it a shame that the best you can hope for is that your nine year old daughter is more mature than her father? :mad:

You have my sympathy. Divorce sucks and it's 100 times worse when you're divorced from a jerk. :(

Hugs.