mmmm not sure anymore

Things have been up and down with my YM, he's had job difficulties (which are now resolved), money worries and bunch of other trauma (just what we both didn't need)

Now I want to get on with my life, I've got my own stuff to deal with(trust me lot of stuff), he likes spending more time with his friends and he is not thinking of me in the way I would like, putting me first, I feel like I'm just there a convience and I know I have been way too helpful to him.

He treats me like a wife, a casual girlfriend and a lover, we've been dating 2 and half years, yet I feel the relationship sometimes goes backwards not forwards.

Sometimes we are so close it's wonderful and I treasure those times, other times he is arrogant, thoughtless and really doesn't think things through, I haven't been with him since last Thursday I saw him very briefly on Saturday, he phoned me twice on Friday to say he would come over on Saturday morning to see me, as he was drinking with a buddy Friday night, he also phoned to see if I would come over at 11pm Friday night, I said no as I was with my son on my own and didn't want to leave him and also I wanted to stay home.

Anyways he comes over early Saturday and wakes me up (I work long hours, so was tired)

Excellent he has made the effort to come and see me, after about 10 mins it was obvious he wasn't staying as he was going to another friend's and needed his money, he is using my bank account for his wages temprarily. I felt like a cash point machine, he was quite organised and had planned his day and borrowed a bike to come see me, so he can make the effort if he wants to

Anyways I gave him the money and pulled him up about it, he got defensive straight away, it was so obvious he hadn't come over to see me, he just wanted his money he said he forgot to tell me about his mate.... yeah right. we had a fight and he left


I still haven't seen him, this is not the first time something has happened, he calls me and I am geniuely busy as I have a home to run,studying, etc

I am not sure how I feel anymore, I am at a weird place, as I'm not sure I love him anymore, that's why I've distanced myself from him as I need some time to connect to how I am feeling and think about what I want from my life and our relationship.

We have had a turbulent 2 and half years, some of it would have have split up other couples, so we have do have a inner strength. I feel he thinks I will just let him do what he wants and always be there....

I love him, though not sure I'm still in love... I feel better when he is not around me right now, though sometimes I miss his hugs and loving. I feel very a little numb though not confused and sad

I haven't said anything to him as yet , I still talk to him on the phone, I think he might twig that something might be up, though sometimes we have time apart, I don't want to talk to him as I'm not 100% sure in myself how I feel, though I do know that what I do feel is that some of my feelings are changing.

I feel a little embarassed writing all this yet I need some understanding of women who have had YM as partners he is a young immature 26 I'm 40

He is also Hispanic I'm Scottish, our cultures and our ages , we have radically different views on things, I am teaching him about tolerance and not judging people and it's ok to discuss not shout, and about what I need as a woman, bless him he is learning and does put into practice, yet it is an uphill struggle and I just want to have some fun, my kids are groweing up 17 and 12 and I like the freedom I have, he doesn't want to go out socially, but is happy to jump for his mate and have dinner with him (I've never been invited)

I'm going to go out to salsa classes and join a book club, go to gigs and inline skate as I want a better social life, he prefers to sit and watch dvd's in his or my home

We used to do stuff together, the money issue is a biggy for him, i suggested having a picnic somewhere in the country, just the two of us,(I'm quite romantic) he wanted to stay at home....

Yet in the past he's taken me horseriding, rock climbing, we used to play basketball, I don't care he has no money I just like being with him, which I have reiterated on many occasions, (he can be a bit slow) , it's like I have to show him what to do

I know I'm emotionally and mentally more mature than him, though I get my intellectual stimulation from books and others and gently talk about stuff with him....

Sorry this has gone on, it is really bothering me as I 'm not sure what to do

Thanks for reading

hugs

Diane

I go through this same kind of mental "inventory" of our relationship from time to time. Then from the inventory stage I move on to the "what's really important" stage.

I think these periodic assessments are all part of the process of being conscious of and present in your relationship as it continues to evolve. Just be sure to keep adjusting your focus on What's Really Important.

:)

I agree that we all need to take inventory and evaluate our situations and relationships from time to time . . . this is what keeps things from getting totally out of kilter to where we say, "How the F did I get here??"

emero, he just sounds immature to me, you sound alot more mature, I think that is what you need, someone more mature, I'm not talking age here, oh no lol, you can find a younger guy to fall in love with who is mature. I dated a couple of guys in their 20s who were much more mature than guys I dated in their 30s. Age does not necessarily have a relevance here. I also dated a guy who was very much like your bf and still is, the only difference is that he had a great job, we would go out to shows, dinner, the beach, but...he preferred to stay home, watch dvds all the time. He was more of a homebody, you need someone who is less of a homebody. It sounds like you need a guy who is a bit more well rounded, and someone who has a steady job. Money isn't everything, but if there is true love there, a guy doesn't have to have alot of money in my opinion, just as long as he has steady income to help out.

Emero,
Read my recent post. I am having similar maturity problems with my hispanic husband. I am trying my best to solve them---I can't back out now that I am married and have a baby on the way.

Hang in there, keeping analyzing, its good to do. It helps me to sort things out.

Sitting back and saying "is this really what I want?" when you love someone is hard. Been there, done that.

I used to think "love conquered all" in my younger years. Now I realize you can love someone, but that doesn't mean you've got the makings of a good relationship. Nor does it mean you should kill yourself trying to make it work.

I always felt like my marriage of 15yrs (with no age gap) was the equivalent of forcing a square peg into a round hole. The amount of energy is took to keep us going was waaay off balance; and I was the one feeling depleted all the time. You say you feel better not being around him right now. I say "listen to your inner self"....it's subtle, but there.

Sometimes stepping back gives us the perspective to realize how much better we feel NOT putting that energy into the abyss that some relationships become. I don't know about you, but I'm 41 and refuse to deplete myself again. I'd rather put that energy into myself, my kids and enriching my life. That doesn't mean the right person can't be part of that process, as long as they depositing into the emotional kitty as much as they withdraw. ;)

My girlfriend says "relationships shouldn't be that difficult!" I have to agree. Yea, it's work to an extent for anyone. But it's not suppose to feel like "an uphill struggle" all the time.

If it does, then it's time to step back and quit being so accommodating, eh?

It really does sound like he's treating you very casually, which is odd after 2 1/2 years.
I would have wanted things to move forward after all this time too...I can understand your frustration for sure.

Just speaking for myself, I would definately interpret his behaviour as lack of interest in a serious relationship with me. I've had too many devoted bf's to see it differently, and too many non committed bf's to trust that he'd change. I would feel like he's just using me when its convenient for him, and I'd interpret the time he spends on the town drinking with mates as a sign that he's at least open to meeting other women.
Personally, I wouldn't allow myself tolerate it out of self protection.

I do hope that things work out though. At least you could try being a bit more direct with expressing what you want out of the relationship. If he says `no' at least you can cut your losses.

I agree with GypsyHeart, "Listen to your inner self", it will tell you what to do. Relationships should not be that difficult, if it is right, you will know it. If you have any doubts, then maybe it is not meant to be. Doubting something is not a good sign.

Sounds like this guy is a real loser,he adds nothing to your life that is positive. Most likely he has a drug and/or alcohol problem. You are wasting your time with him,dump him fast,change the locks and tell him to stay away. If he contacts you get a restraining order.This may seem hard at first but in a year you wont miss him and he will be a bad memory. Get your life in order,set priorities with your children on top. Wait a year, then persue someone who is worthy of your love and devotion and will return it.

Dale

Let's face it. No matter what the ages involved, eventually all relationships suck.

Let's face it. No matter what the ages involved, eventually all relationships suck.

Spoken like a true cynic. :rolleyes:

Let's face it. No matter what the ages involved, eventually all relationships suck.


pffftttt...... now, now frowny butt..... I KNOW I'VE SEEN at least one or two longterm, happy couples out and about!! It's like gambling.... not everyone gets the jackpot, but it can happen. :p

You are right relationships are a gamble. Sometimes you hit the jackpot, sometimes you don't, but love is worth gambling for. I agree, lose him fast, you deserve someone who truly loves you does not take you for granted and does not come over just to borrow money. Some guys are sweet to you to get what they want and you think it is love, but it is not. Get yourself a real man, one who respects you, treats you like a Princess.

You are right relationships are a gamble. Sometimes you hit the jackpot, sometimes you don't, but love is worth gambling for. I agree, lose him fast, you deserve someone who truly loves you does not take you for granted and does not come over just to borrow money. Some guys are sweet to you to get what they want and you think it is love, but it is not. Get yourself a real man, one who respects you, treats you like a Princess.

LOL . . . I love the way you compared it to gambling! :D I love to go to Vegas and Shreveport and gamble . . . sometimes I win and sometimes I lose (most times I lose), but I still love to play and losing does not in the least deter me from playing. And that is the way with relationships too.

You know there is a little joke about the man who prayed every day that he would win the lottery and he did this for years . . . one day he was praying to win the lottery and lamenting the fact that he never won and God said to him, "Well, you could help me out here, you could buy a ticket!" Point being that if you don't even make an effort to get in the game, there is no way you are going to win.

If you don't ever take a chance at a relationship or getting to know someone, there is no way you are ever going to make a connection. So I guess for me, I would rather keep playing and losing than to quit playing at all! :p

My parents have been married about 55 years. That is what you call a long term relationship! But their relationship sucks, they argue about every possible thing all day long, and basically live for the sole purpose of making each other's lives miserable.

Just because a relationship lasts a long time doesn't mean it's any good. :cool:

Just because a relationship lasts a long time doesn't mean it's any good. :cool:

Well, I would agree with that . . . I stayed in a bad one for 25 years . . . but that doesn't mean there aren't some good long-term relationships out there. My parents were married for 44 years before my dad died and they had a very good relationship. :)

My parents have been married about 55 years. That is what you call a long term relationship! But their relationship sucks, they argue about every possible thing all day long, and basically live for the sole purpose of making each other's lives miserable.

Just because a relationship lasts a long time doesn't mean it's any good. :cool:


I totally agree with you.

update

we've been seeing each other on and off last few weeks

Had a lovely holiday end of July just spending the time in the garden relaxing it was fun,

I went away this weekend just gone to do my Reiki Teacher training the night before I left we had a lovely evening he was even singing songs to me (Paul McCartney Maybe I'm amazed)

He rang me over the weekend a couple of times

Saw him for a few hours Monday I wasn't feeling very well and he came over by bike to see me, though he fell asleep on the sofa so we didn't say much.

I haven't seen him since Monday we have talked on the phone I asked him out right I'd like to see you let's plan something, he just said he is tired, i am sure he is keeping his weekend free in case his mate asks him to come over

I no longer feel a priority, if he doesn't see his mate this weekend, I'm sure he will be willing to spend it with me


He can be so loving , 2 weeks ago he said you inspire me.

I've recently found a technique called the Sedona Method, helps me release emotional stuff, it has been really helpful as I would be going round in circles mentally and emotionally by now normally

I have decided to simply let go...

He had some mail delivered to my home and is popping into my work to collect it, no mention of us getting together or having dinner, action speak louder than words so I will watch what happens

I'm not exercising this week as felt a little poorly on monday and a tad exhausted, also got a period and cystitis at the same time argghhhh
So sorting that out, taking care of myself and just chilling out

I'd just like to spend some time with my boyfriend I know I'm not being unreasonable

I've decided to put our relationship much further down my list of priorities and just get on with my life and do what I want to do first

I'm going to finish my reiki teaching, keep studying and do my sedona coursework from the cd's, spend some time with my kids and arounfd my home
organise a reiki share, spend some time with friends and keep skating and going to gigs with or without him

sometimes I just like him to be around, him watching the football and me studying we can then relax and have cuddles etc

maybe he is just tired at the moment and needs some time, though I was so happy after Friday as we were getting on really well.

Let's wait and see

Emero how about not letting him use you... i.e. mail at your house, cashing his work checks, and all the other stuff you do for him... It sounds to me he is taking you for granted. You do too much for him and are available for you when he wants. Change the roles. Tell him he needs to find his own ways... Lots of Latin/Hispanic men are of that mentality, so don't let him use you.

I wish you the best ad I am glad you are keeping busy on your own, you need to do that!

Good luck!

it's complicated trust me on that

things have changed I do a lot less for him now.

He popped into work seems a bit distracted and looked really quite tired, (his work mate was off sick and he had to cover)
I looked lovely yet he didn't notice or he didn't say
I am usually happy chatty self and for a change just listened and didn't say that much
No way was I going to ask him again if we could spend time together, watched to see if he would say anything.

He was going home for a sleep and to eat some food

So I was very nice about it and was smiley and said I'll let you get on with it then, he said I'll speak to you later, I just didn't answer and walked away back into work

As I intend to do what I want over the next few days and get on with my life if he can't be bothered to make plans well tough....

I don't think it's that complicated, it just needs to be seen properly. I think the major thing you need to realize in most respects for what it is, is what you said yourself, you are not a priority in his life. I'm sure he loves you. but he's got otherthings going on. Work, friends, whatever. The question you are asking or need to be asking is what to do.

I'm sure he's wonderful and doesnt abuse you, but he doesnt make enough time for you either.
It's not your fault that he became like this, I'm sure you're as beautiful as ever.
Since he's not investing as much into this relationship as needed, you should consider letting go. It going to be hard, since there's no overbearing reason, besides the time, but you need to tell him straight up what you need, and if he cant commit, than start looking elsewhere.
If not, feel free to continue helping him and maintaning a friendship, but that's going to be your decision. At this point your relationship looks more like a friendship with benefits than a loving couple. Is that what you want?

He isn't invested anymore. I'd back off from this relationship and slowly let go since it seems you can't cut him off outright.

Stop contacting him. Stop helping him. Make your life a priority and ignore him. He's doing whatever he wants, you should do the same. Get brave and suggest you need some time alone, then stick to it.

He can be so loving , 2 weeks ago he said you inspire me.
Sounds like you are truly looking for crumbs!

I've recently found a technique called the Sedona Method, helps me release emotional stuff, it has been really helpful as I would be going round in circles mentally and emotionally by now normally
Another way to release emotional stuff, is to release the person who is causing the problem.

I hope you can get mad enough to decide to not to take his treatment/neglect of you anymore. That is what it took for me. Anger will give you the energy to take care of yourself.
Good luck...

Let's face it. No matter what the ages involved, eventually all relationships suck.


hahahah.......how funny!!! :)

Good luck...

He can be so loving , 2 weeks ago he said you inspire me.
Sounds like you are truly looking for crumbs!

LoL

Emero...it sounds to me like you are a loving, loyal, and wonderful girlfriend. However, you actually need a partner to be offering all this incredible love to. I don't mean to be harsh or offensive, but you're partner is essentially non-existent. In order to have a relationship, you need mutual respect, mutual responsiveness and a balance. Not one person doing everything and the other coasting.

There's nothing wrong with this relationship, except that you need to start auditioning for a real man for the part of your "Boyfriend". Your current guy seems to just be a stand-in.

Well,

We have finally got together, he sucks at saying stuff and all he wanted was to spend some time by himself...

I explained that if you need to do that it's fine but you need to tell me!

it is called considersation, he was truly sorry, think everyone has got the wrong end of the stick a bit, as he is coming across as a right cad, when he isn't

the problems with forums as once it's written down it it's like gospel there is so much more and it is complicated, unfortunately I can't discuss it here

I'm not justifying what he did /didn't do and his behaviour, yes he is immature , yes I could find better, though that's not going to help him or me as we do love each other

i needed some support as I've never been out with someone as young as him before, there are many different variables at work here, which have been very challenging for both of us, yet we have got through it together.

I'm sorry I'm not being more specific, but it is private and there is only so much I want to divulge on a public forum.

I don't know what is going to happen, yet I am still going to carry on and if it is meant to be fine.

thanks for all your comments they have been instructive.

Fun stuff to do

http://www.hellomagazine.com/agenda/calendar/calendar2.html

thanks Christopher

That's interesting not really my scene... partridge shooting :D :eek:

More going to gigs person... and playing pool with my mates/drinking wine or doing some reiki shares or inline skating/ 300zx car meets
lunch with my girlfriends


We are talking a little now and just leaving him to it as that is the best course of action for now that I feel comfortable with

emero, how old is your bf? Perhaps he is not mature enough for you. He does sound like he is taking you for granted. He has his mail delivered to your house? What's up with that? I agree with the others, don't let him use you like that. If a guy is not attentive, he just isn't into you. I had a guy who wanted to marry me, he is still in love with me, I would phone him to say hi, see how he was doing when he got pneumonia, he never picked the phone up once, not even to say hi for 2 mins to me. Do I want a guy like that in my life? Not really. I told him I didn't want a relationship with him. He saw me online the other day, said I am so sweet, he always liked me. I have moved on, I have a great guy now, we are living together, he is attentive, sweet, kind, loving, would do anything for me as I him. He is my yin and I am his yang lol. Everything is going great for us. Don't be quick to jump into relationships, take your time and the right one will come along. Just date, have fun and one of those guys will become your best friend and things will work from there. When you don't worry about being in a relationship, that's when you will find one, when you are not looking for one. It happened to me, I was going to stay single, was happy that way. Life threw me another curve ball so to speak, in a good way though.

Good luck to you. You sound like a loving caring person, you deserve a guy who will treat you in a caring manner.

Why does he use your bank account?

Why does he have his mail sent to your home?

Is he homeless?

Sorry to sound blunt but I can't think why else he'd be doing these things.

Stop making excuses about his age - he is using you

Sounds like he has bill collectors he doesnt want to find him .... sorry but hiding his money in your account, and using someone elses address to get his mail... something isnt right there. :(

Is he putting money in your account and then using it or just using YOUR money in your account?

If hes spending yours well, no comment other than you should know better:rolleyes: .

When he goes out with his mate he comes to get money. What does he spend it on and why can't he spend some on you?