I need advise, please!!

If anybody outthere can help me, I'd really appreciate it.

My wife and I have been together for 2 years. She is 33 and I am 29. My wife is divorced, and has 2 girls from her previous marriage. I had never been married, and had no kids when we married. Now we have a beautiful baby boy who is a true blessing to our lives.
When I first met my wife, she was honest with me from day one. She never hid the fact that she had been married, and also that she had another relationship with a guy older than her a year and half after she got divorced. I was ok with her having these two relationships, but lately I don't know what is happening to me that the relationship she had after se was divorced is killing me.
After my wife splited up with her first husband, she did not date anybody until 18 moths had gone by. She then was contacted by a guy that used to work at the same place my wife did back then. They started going out until they took their relationship to the next level...to the bedroom to be more specific. They dated for about 6 months. These guy was married, but having problems with his wife according to him. My wife decided to end the relationship because she did not see any future with this guy, for he was married and was about 8 years older than she was.
Then I came along. My wife and I worked at the same place and from the minute I met her, I knew that she would be somebody special in my life. We went out for a couple of months until we decided to move in together and eventually get married. Everything was perfect with her, even though she was a little hessitant to open up to a second marriage. Everything was fine until her birthday came along. My wife lived in an apartment with 2 exit doors, one of these exit doors was the bedroom door. I moved in with her to this apartment once we decided to live together. The day of her birthday, there was a knock on the bedroom exit door like at 4 in the morning and then some music started playing from outside. I woke up and asked my wife if she knew who it was. She then told me that she did not know who it was, but she assumed that it could be the guy that she dated after she got divorced. I got up and opened the door, and the guy was leaving for it took me a while to get up and get dressed to open the door, but as the door opened he came right back. The guy was a very mature man, with grayish hair and about 5' 8''. When he saw me he was surprised and asked me for my wife. Of course the guy did not that I was her husband now. I told the guy that my wife could not come out to see him, and he told me that he had left some presents for my wife by the other exit door. When he left I came back inside and told my wife what he had said. A few hours afterwards, I had to go out, and as I was exiting the door, I saw some flowers, a cake, and a bottle of tequila by the door. I was in a hurry so I did not even touch the presents. When I came back home, the flowers, the cake, and the bottle of tequila were in the bedroom. I asked my wife what was going on and she said that those gifts did not mean anything to her, and the reason why she had brought the gifts inside was that she did not want any of the neighbors to see the presents outside the door. I did not say anything else, but the gifts stayed in the bedroom for 2 DAYS until I technically made her take the gifts to the garbage when I told her that if the gifts really didn't mean anything to her to throw them away.
Ever since I got curious, and I started asking my wife more about her relationship with this guy. I first started asking her how they met, how long they went out for, what kind of a person he was and so on until I got to the "obvious question". When I asked her if she had had sex with this guy, she said yes. She told me that she did not want to hide anything from me, so she told me most of what happened between them two. My wife told me that in her first marriage, she had never experienced an orgasm until she was in bed with this other guy. She also told me how she started to desire the guy as they started going deeper in theri relationship. From that minute on, my thoughts have been pure hell to me. I can't stop picturing my wife having sex with this guy. When me and my wife are together, I wonder if everything she says and does to me, she said it and did it to the other guy. When we are home together and she hugs me or kisses me, I wonder if she did the same to the other guy, and so on. When I look at my wife, sometimes I can't believe she dared to go out with married man and take that relationship beyond a simple date. She has repeated me endless times that she made a terrible mistake, and that everything we do together she had never done it with somebody else. I try to forget about it and move on, but I just can't. Sometimes I am able to forget about it for a day or two, but then those thoughts come charging right back at me and hell starts all over again. It is coming to the point where to even see my wife, makes me think of her and that other guy in the bedroom. I have shared the way I feel with my wife, but I just can't figure out why I can't get over it. My wife is starting to notice that on me more and more as the days go by, and I can see her getting sad, frustrated, and feeling gulty for what she did. She deserves the best, and I love her more than anything else in my life, but it seems that these thoughts simply refuse to leave me alone. Please help me......any advice is much greatly appreciated.

Navioguh

I'm not sure anyone here has the credentials to help you. I believe you really need to see a counselor about your inability to let go of your wife's past. Neither you nor she are that old actually, but after a person has reached 30, it is almost certain that person is going to have a past. And I don't think you can hold your wife's past against her . . . she is still the same person you fell in love with . . . all the things you are fretting about happened before she met you.

Did you not have any relationships before you met your wife? Had you not slept with another woman before you met her? If you had been with other women, then I don't know how you can obsess about your wife's previous partners.

We all have a past. We might not be particularly proud of some parts of our pasts, but that past has served to make us what we are today. If your wife had not had a past and experienced the things she did, she might not have turned into the person you fell in love with.

But, I can tell you this: If you don't get help in dealing with this obsession you have, you are going to drive a great wedge in your marriage. I know I would have a very hard time being with a man who was constanting worrying about what I did before I even knew he existed.

Thank you for your response.

I know I need to get over my wife's past, and trust me there is nothing else about her past that bothers me, not even her first marriage that lasted 13 years and I know she must have had sex hundreds of times with her first husband. I love my wife and I love everything about her.
One of the things that I realized bother me about her relationship with the other guy is that my wife told me that after she had sex for the first time with him, she felt dirty and gulty, but yet she slept with him over, and over, and over again. She knew the guy was married and that she could be destroying a marriage, but yet she kept going. My wife is not a person that will harm anybody, much less destroy a marriage for one of the reasons she divorced her first husband was infidelity; but yet I don't seem to understand why she did it. She even has told me that she does not know to this day why she went out with this guy.
My wife also told me that by the time she was going out with this person, she struggled a little financialy, and that she needed some emotional support as well. From that aspect I understand that we all struggle and need a shoulder to cry on, hell I even understand that we have carnal needs, but I still don't know why her relationship with this guy bothers me this much.
I had sex one time with 2 other women before. I felt dirty after having sex with each one of these women, and even though I could have sex again with either one of them, the feeling of guiltyness kept me from doing it.
Thank you for taking the time to read my problem...any other comments or advice will help a lot.

On the last paragraph, I meant: could have had sex...not could have sex. Sorry for the inclomplete sentence.

Navioguh

None of us are perfect and we all sin and do wrong. The key is repentance and forgiveness. It sounds as if she knows it was wrong to be with the married man and if she has admitted that and repented for that, it is your place to forgive her that . . . forget it and put it in the past where it belongs.

You are still young, but I will tell you that as you get older you will realize that we only get one chance at life and you and your wife, according to your first post, have a good and happy marriage . . . embrace that and bask in each other's love and joy. Every day you spend . . . every minute you spend . . . dwelling on her past is time that you cannot ever regain. You should instead be enjoying each other and living for today and planning for a long and happy future together.

Good Luck.

Maybe your wife was seeing the married man because she was not ready for a real relationship. She married you. She loves you. You mentioned several times guilt and feeling dirty about having sex with someone you are not married to. That could play some part in how you feel. If you think about it all the time, you will ruin your relationship with your wife. I hope you can get help to get past this.

You know what? I had a long, long time with someone that was as jealous and suspicious and unable to let go as you seem to be, and it was a living hell. An absolute nightmare, so my own advice to you is, leave it alone, let it drop and try to get some help for yourself in the form of counselling. It will tear her apart and break you both up if you cant. I'm sorry to be negative, but your post took me back to places I dont want to go again.:o

I sought of know what you feel and I think it is great that you are sharing it with people, I think peachy is right I'm am not qualified to help you with this, there was a man once who fell deeply in love with a prostitute who was an ex junkie and if he did'nt care what she had done, perhaps you can let go of this of this. your wife is with you she wears your ring. and she has born you a son you have made your bed and it sound quite comfortable.- lay back and rest!!!

Your wife THINKS she can trust you, telling you all her past mistakes. You are being a lousy husband when you take that information and obsess over it by making her the bad person.

Why do you want to destroy your marriage? You are chipping away at it every time you obsess like this. Everyone has made mistakes. You don't know what she went through in her first marriage that led her to the next guy. Have compassion for her.

As far as sex goes, quit comparing and asking questions. She is with you and I promise that is all she thinks about when you are making love. Tell her that you don't want to know any thing else... that it is right now that counts and you love her totally ...just like she loves you. :)

PS.. get help if you can't get beyond this!!!!
PSS. Why do you think you are better for having sex with TWO WOMEN than she is for having sex with ONE guy. It is life... we learn from our mistakes. Grow up. ;) :)

Well, I'm with the crowd that thinks you better get some professional help, fast. We all have issues from time to time and this is a big red flag for YOUR emotional health. It sounds like you might need some medication and behavior modification to get over this situation.

Try sitting down and writing your "old story" (your fear about your wife) like you have written it here and make sure you get it all out on paper. Every fear you have get down on that piece of paper.

Then carefully write your "new story"out on paper, too. Start your "new story" with the phrase, "the truth is that ___________________ (fill in the blank) and write down what you WANT your relationship to be with your wife and then list what steps you are going to take to make the new story come to life. Take the old story and rip it up into a million pieces. It's over and it's keeping you from creating a beautiful future with your wife and children. When the thoughts come back in your head, get your new story out and read it. Read the list of things you have comitted to do to make the new story real. You need to put good habits in the place of this bad obsession.

When the bad thoughts creep back, just say "old story" and imagine yourself ripping up the story.

We've all had to get over things. It's part of being human. Let us know how it goes.

Best,
Bub

One of the things that I realized bother me about her relationship with the other guy is that my wife told me that after she had sex for the first time with him, she felt dirty and gulty, but yet she slept with him over, and over, and over again. She knew the guy was married and that she could be destroying a marriage, but yet she kept going.

Hi Navioguh,

I don't really know how to help either, except that perhaps you could imagine how you would feel if your wife made a huge issue over the parts of your own sexual history which you considered to be mistakes? Like the threesome you mentioned? Its sounds like you're both guilty of having made what you each personally regard as `mistakes', just like everyone else.

Its probably actually a positive reflection on your wife that she formed an emotional attachment to her ex lover...its a very female trait, and perhaps explains why it was hard for her to just walk away from him.? Whereas for you, as a guy, it was easier to just forget a couple of women you slept with....also a very male trait. We women don't separate sex and love as easily as that.

Therefore I believe that her former attachment does not make her more immoral than yourself; it really only shows that she does not have a frivolous attitude towards lovers. These are beautiful qualities, don't you think? And surely they are good for your marriage?.

I think at the end of the day, it would be best to process your feelings and thoughts about her past mistakes privately, instead of rubbing her nose in them....just as she does for you. You love her, and she loves you so much that she agreed to marry you. This guy is not a part of your lives, and poses no threat to you, just as your past lovers are no threat to her.

I don't know if `getting it all in perspective' will help, as what you are experiencing is an emotional reaction. But I hope all of our posts help a bit. Its so great that you have a loving marriage...you are very fortunate. Anyway all the best! I'm sure you'll work through this.

I had sex one time with 2 other women before.

Bella_D, apparently you and I have interpreted this statement differently. I asked him if he had ever slept with any women before his wife. This statement was part of his response. I interpreted this statement as he has slept one time each with two different women . . . not that he had one time had sex with 2 women at the same time; i. e. a threesome.

Perhaps he needs to clarify that. Because I did notice in another post he was chastised for that.

LOL....yes Peachy, I probably have read it incorrectly:)

Sorry if i got it all wrong Navioguh!

Lucky he had'nt slept with four women, hey?:o

I once had a fella call me on Christmas day to tell me that he'd just found my phone number. He said he'd lost it and of course, I'd seen him out on the town on other dates. He was no big deal to me, so I just let it drop. I'm betting you will wish you had let this whole situation drop. She married you, didn't she? Plus, it's actually kinda funny, the knock at the door at four a.m. and the man with flowers from the past. And you the husband answering. It's so comic. I think you should lighten up.

Peachy is right. No one here can help you with your jealousy and you need therapy to deal with this personality glitch before you do something dumb.

Ali

Yes thats a good point legallyblonde...it does sound pretty funny:)

I can't help wondering if these feelings are just a case of being extremely inexperienced sexually and therefore being inexperienced with dealing with emotions surrounding sexual experiences? I remember being that way too, but of course over time I naturally chilled out because I had more experience to draw apon to help deal with my emotions.

I mean if Navioguh has only had 2 one night stands in whole life which left him feeling full of remorse, then that sounds unusually inexperienced to me. It would be hard to put himself in someone else's shoes, even if he wanted to.

Pretty much all you can do is what Peachy suggested...discipline your thoughts and don't let yourself obsess. And practice forgiveness, which is fundermental to loving someone.

Best of luck!