How do you fight?

What's your fighting style? (Or do you and your Significant Other prefer to call it arguing, or working out problems, or resolving your differences, or something else...?)

Do you and your SO schedule a time to talk things through? Or do you tackle a problem as soon as it comes up?

Do you postpone doing another planned activity until the problem is resolved? Or do you put the problem on the back burner until a more convenient time?

Do your fights ever escalate into something worse? Or are you able to stay "on topic"?

Are you both ready at the same time to fight/discuss? Do either of you have to "simmer down" first?

Do you ever "swallow" your anger? If so, what are the aftereffects of doing that?

Do you and your SO have different approaches to fighting...different styles? Have you and/or your SO had to make adjustments or compromises in the way you resolve problems?

Truth be told I just cant handle any kind of conflict between me and my ym, I just swallow it all and say nowt if its hurtful to me. I'd rather die than upset him. Maybe i indulge him like I do to my own daughter, but I just dont get where its ok to make a young person feel less than perfect. Maybe I had too much conflict in my previous life to want to inflict it on someone else. If I didnt learn any lessons from that, then I'm really not a good person. I dont actually lay down and let anyone walk over me but I really dont bother to fight.

Hmmm . . . I think Joe and I have the same fighting style . . . we both have pretty hot tempers and we get loud and wicked sometimes . . . but then we go to our respective corners . . . cool off . . . and after a short while . . . all is forgotten . . . no grudges . . . no pouting . . . I like that. :D

What's your fighting style? (Or do you and your Significant Other prefer to call it arguing, or working out problems, or resolving your differences, or something else...?)

Do you and your SO schedule a time to talk things through? Or do you tackle a problem as soon as it comes up?

We always make sure we tackle our problems as soon as possible. Being in an LDR, we don't have enough time together as it is... we don't want to spend time we have together arguing. And we want to resolve things as soon as possible so that we can put them away and move forward.

Do you postpone doing another planned activity until the problem is resolved? Or do you put the problem on the back burner until a more convenient time?

I really haven't had this experience. But, if I did, I wouldn't ever put a problem on the back burner UNLESS I am just too angry to discuss it at the moment.

Do your fights ever escalate into something worse? Or are you able to stay "on topic"?

No, ours do not. But, then I've been married twice before and learned the hard way not to snowball my partner. :D And I think that because we deal with our issues as soon as possible, then there really isn't much to have to bring up later.

Are you both ready at the same time to fight/discuss? Do either of you have to "simmer down" first?

It really just depends upon the situation. We just play it by ear. If we attempt to discuss it, and it is still too sensitive an issue, we agree to discuss it the next time.

Do you ever "swallow" your anger? If so, what are the aftereffects of doing that?

Yes, I am guilty of holding on to some anger. And the aftereffects are that I stew on it for far too long and it only ends up hurting me. So, I do try to make sure that we talk things out asap.

Do you and your SO have different approaches to fighting...different styles? Have you and/or your SO had to make adjustments or compromises in the way you resolve problems?

Good Lord yes. We are as different as night and day. He is much more laid back then me and it takes A LOT to make him angry. I can get angry very easily and need to talk about it immediately before I can begin to feel better.

Because of his laid back approach, I sometimes feel that he is not acknowledging my anger. And that can make me even more angry. But, then I have to tell myself that he is JUST DIFFERENT from me and just because he is more calm about the issue doesn't mean that he doens't understand my point of view.

Overall, I have to say that Remi has always been very good about talking about issues. Probably even better than me. From the very beginning, he has demonstrated a huge willingness to discuss problems. In fact, when we met in person for the first time, and I got upset about something, I told him "go away!" and he said, "no, we will discuss this." And we did, and everything worked out.

I have never had that with a partner before and am constantly amazed at his willingness to discuss the issues without losing his cool.

I never fight. I get it out of my system on other people. :D

What's your fighting style? (Or do you and your Significant Other prefer to call it arguing, or working out problems, or resolving your differences, or something else...?)

I don't know really... we've had a couple of 'fights' (or fairly big disagreements ;) ) and a few more (ahem) intense differences in opinion. Different situations and different issues make a difference IMO.

Do you and your SO schedule a time to talk things through? Or do you tackle a problem as soon as it comes up?

That depends on the problem. On a couple of occasions we slept on it and resolved it in the morning when we'd calmed down a bit. But now we tend to recognise when we're pushing each others 'buttons' and calm things down before it gets to that point.

Some things I keep bottled upand it gets worse over a period of days. Those kind of things get talked about straight away, as soon as she realises something is wrong. (it's normally me that gets upset!) :rolleyes:

Do you postpone doing another planned activity until the problem is resolved? Or do you put the problem on the back burner until a more convenient time?

Never been an issue!

Do your fights ever escalate into something worse? Or are you able to stay "on topic"?

I don't think it ever has. I think because we talk things through and try to reach a point where we both understand where we're coming from every time. There's nothing unresolved to come back at a later date.

Are you both ready at the same time to fight/discuss? Do either of you have to "simmer down" first?

I guess so, pretty much. Whenever we've had to 'simmer down' it's been the both of us.

Do you ever "swallow" your anger? If so, what are the aftereffects of doing that?

I tend to avoid conflict. I don't like it all that much and it takes a fair bit to make me actually angry enough to get really upset and shout or anything. I hold onto things for a while because of that, but she can tell when I'm not happy and trying to keep it in anyway. It's something I'm working on, and no I don't think it's particularly a good thing because it can be passive-aggressive and make the other person feel bad and less receptive to whatever your problem was in the first place.

Do you and your SO have different approaches to fighting...different styles? Have you and/or your SO had to make adjustments or compromises in the way you resolve problems?

She's had to get used to someone being more sensitive than she's had to deal with before. But we do want to deal with things the same way as each other, we're coming from the same place.

Hope that helps. :)

I asked my husband about whether or not my perception of our fighting style was accurate or not and he said that this is pretty much spot on:

In our relationship, neither of us likes to fight and we really do get along as well in person as it seems like we do online. But there are times when we do disagree.

I am a FIRM believer in fair fighting (name calling, ugly jabs, physical violence, and shouting don't wash with me). Canning your anger is no good but, on the flip side, rage isn't any better. Tim tends to not want to fight at all but then his anger will come flying out and he'll explode over something relatively minor.

It doesn't take long for him to calm down and talk to me rationally, which is a good thing. I don't mind anger -- but when it's that out-of-control-all-bets-are-off stuff, I can't stand it! Tim knows my fighting style is a good one and he hopes to "get there" some day. *shrug* Whether he does or doesn't, he's my diamond in the rough and I adore him.

In answer to the question about addressing problems right away or putting them on the back burner, I would say "that depends."

I do not believe in putting them on the back burner; however, when I'm at work, for instance, and I need to be focusing on getting a deliverable hammered out or preparing for a meeting and something comes up, Tim wants to deal with the issue right then and there. When I'm at work, I have to focus on my job but as soon as I get home/have a break in my hectic day, I'm all for working through the issue.

Oh! One other thing -- I can't STAND fighting in front of other people. It makes me very uncomfortable when other couples fight in front of me and I feel very strongly about dealing with our differences in private. That might seem a little weird, but it's a biggie in my book.

When I was younger, if you p*ssed me off or hurt my feelings, man, did you hear about it right-on-the-spot. Realtime. And real loud.

However, this often led to some of the things you mentioned:

~ Postponing planned activities, sometimes important ones

~ Escalating 'drama'

~ Straying waaay off topic, and throwing in everything including the kitchen sink


These days, I think that the most important thing I've learned to do to prevent things from becoming heated or stressful is to practice active listening. When people argue/fight, they often have already decided that they disagree with the other person. Most of the time, we don't WANT to change our minds. And most of the time we don't listen to the other person. We really don't.

Through work and through two important romantic relationships, I've become a MUCH better listener, have learned to put myself in the other person's shoes, and have learned to resolve issues by responding to and addressing the other person's concerns FIRST a lot of the time. In this process, many or all of MY concerns become addressed as well. It's all in the approach.

I also believe in forming my thoughts before words just come spewing out of my mouth - like when I was younger. Pausing, taking a few seconds - or longer - to think about what the other person said and to put together some reasonable and meaningful responses.

Heh, of course, there are exceptions to when the above-stated practices are reasonable. If I'm really REALLY P.O.'d, get out of the way.

I think that both parties need to know when to say when and to agree to delay discussion until parties have calmed down, but this point may vary...and people like Peachy and Joe have a different tolerance/acceptance level for heated 'debate'. I think it also has to do with trust - knowing each other's boundaries for heated debate and knowing if I can tolerate the same level of heated debate that you can.

Lastly, even though I've learned 'better' (for me, anyway) techniques for arguing and these include remaining calm (when possible), approaching things from the other person's point of view at times, etc., no, I do NOT swallow my anger. If in fact I AM truly angry about something, it's going to be discussed - one way or another. I don't need to yell and scream if I'm angry - although I will. And usually yelling is a result of trying to 'manage' that anger too long.

While I learned a lot of good debate techniques from one relationship in particular, these techniques were learned as a matter of dealing with someone who truly believe that people who were in love did not argue. Therefore, in order to discuss anything of contention, I learned to do it in a very matter of fact way. Unfortunately, having to strictly manage any negative emotions for FIVE years finally wound up manifesting itself as a completely out-of-control blow up. Completely out of control, on my part.

Whatever 'technique' works for you, I believe in getting your anger and your issues out on the table.

we forgive and forget very quickly. i can be a hot head, so can he, but when i get mad, he gets very calm. i actually really admire that about him. he is very fast to make up and i am also but sometimes he can be faster. actually we get along very well most times, we are true to our natures. it is wonderful to be with someone that i can get mad at and he is not out the door to closest bar. he is stable and it feels great to know, that no argument is going to break us apart.

in fact, after an argument i feel terrible and he always says that it was never that bad, he can handle whatever i dish out.

not that i want to dish things out, the fact he makes such light of an arguement is another trait about him that i really like. after all its not worth it, we love eachother.

Our fights are very ugly. I have suggested counselling but he does not want to go to counselling.

My previous long term taught me how to have patience, speak my mind in a way that she would listen and be accountable for my actions...so after that she rarely got angry or gave me any drama like the arguments you see in the movies.

that reminds me, where are you S? ;)

What's your fighting style? (Or do you and your Significant Other prefer to call it arguing, or working out problems, or resolving your differences, or something else...?)We consider it "resolving our differences".

Do you and your SO schedule a time to talk things through? Or do you tackle a problem as soon as it comes up?Depends--if I'm at home and it really bothers me, I'll discuss it. My partner will keep it all inside until I coax the problem out of him.

Do you postpone doing another planned activity until the problem is resolved? Or do you put the problem on the back burner until a more convenient time?Nothing is ever so dramatic that it would cause us to miss an important event or activity.

Do your fights ever escalate into something worse? Or are you able to stay "on topic"?No. They never escalate and we always stay on topic. Nothing becomes over dramatic.

Are you both ready at the same time to fight/discuss? Do either of you have to "simmer down" first? We don't yell or scream at each other and most of the time, I accept that the source of the problem is a misunderstanding, so neither of us feels the need to "simmer down".

Do you ever "swallow" your anger? If so, what are the aftereffects of doing that?
I think my partner DOES, but I understand the importance of communicating better than he does. I know when he's mad and I usually have to coax him to tell me that he is.

Do you and your SO have different approaches to fighting...different styles? Have you and/or your SO had to make adjustments or compromises in the way you resolve problems?I've always been a good communicator, while he buries his problems until they don't matter to him anymore. He's had to really change that because it certainly doesn't work when I have a problem with him.

Thanks for your responses, everybody. Wow, quite a range.

I posted this thread because my man and I have such different ways of dealing with problems that now we're actually fighting about the way we fight! :eek:

I hope some more of you will weigh in on this issue...

I can't help you, Faith, I stopped fighting years ago, don't even like to argue or "discuss" anymore, and that isn't condusive to maintaining a relationship! But I'd like to add my ideas to the excellent ones that Science Goddess put forth.

A) I practice the "Sedona Method": Could I let this go? Would I? When?

B) I don't personalize anymore, "If he loved me he ..........."

C) I absolutely refuse to ask "reporter questions":
"How could you?"
"What were you thinking?"
"Where were you?"
"Who were you with?"
"When were you planning on telling me?"
etc. etc. etc.
If I find myself beginning to form the "wh" sound, I stop!!! I either feel comfortable and happy and safe in the relationship, or I'm don't; all the questions in the world aren't gonna to change that.

D) If someone says or does something that "hurts my feelings", I examine what I'm thinking and try to adjust it by letting it go, reminding myself that this person cares about me, reminding myself of the reasons I like/love this person. If that doesn't work, I tell them what they've done or said to hurt me and ask them to stop.

E) If they don't stop, or if I can't get over the hurt, I ask them to leave.

Obviously, "E" is not condusive to maintaining a relationship, but it's what I'm willing to do to have a happy, peaceful home.

LOL, Faith . . . that sounds like my daughter and her husband . . . they get into an argument and before it's over they are arguing about how the argument went in the beginning and who said what! :rolleyes:

is there anyone who dos'nt fight - I mean who just discuses things instead of fighting about them and if not why?

Of course, it's possible to discuss things rationally if both parties are mature enough to do that . . . Joe and I do it a lot . . . but sometimes there is nothing better than a good, get-it-all-out-of-your-system screaming match :p

Our fights are very ugly. I have suggested counselling but he does not want to go to counselling.

Too bad because it may not be the issues themselves but rather the manner in which the two of you are problem-solving...or not problem-solving. It's a often a communication thing, not a mental health thing. Sometimes it doesn't take counseling to fix the issue itself but rather to learn new ways to talk about it.

And sometimes, SG, it just takes the maturity to know how to discuss. Sometimes I tell Joe he is acting like a 10-year old! :p (That really pisses him off!!) Also {warning: sexist remark coming} guys can be so pigheaded and they wouldn't admit they were wrong if the truth licked them in the face! :D

is there anyone who dos'nt fight - I mean who just discuses things instead of fighting about them and if not why?

I really don't fight -- it's just way, way, way out of my comfort zone. But, like I said, I'm not a fan of stuffing in emotions either; it's so unhealthy both physically and emotionally. And I don't think all disagreements have to have a "winner" either; sometimes it's simply best to just agree to disagree.

edited to add:

there are two exceptions to my rule about fighting:

the day before Aunt Flo comes I can be a little testy. I hate it, I know why it's happening but I haven't yet figured out how to avoid it completely.
If anyone harms one of my loved ones, all bets are off!

Do you and your SO schedule a time to talk things through? Or do you tackle a problem as soon as it comes up?

Good question faith. I think we normally try to talk about it ASAP, because waiting to talk about something `later' can be a nail-biting expereince......but usually we do wait until we at least have the time to sit down and talk, yes.

Do you postpone doing another planned activity until the problem is resolved? Or do you put the problem on the back burner until a more convenient time?

I think we'd solve the problem first...though it probably depends on the event.

Do your fights ever escalate into something worse? Or are you able to stay "on topic"?

Stu's good at staying on topic, but he pointed out to me early on that I drag every other problem I can think of into the argument. So I stopped doing that:)

Are you both ready at the same time to fight/discuss? Do either of you have to "simmer down" first?

If Stu is inexplicably moody, I'll give him a bit of space and let him wait until he's ready to chat. Normally his moods pass and he always apologises, and I always tell him he doesn't have to apologise:)

If I'm moody, Stu always asks me why and encourages me to chat about it. Its usally PMS or I forget to put on my nicotine patch.

Do you ever "swallow" your anger? If so, what are the aftereffects of doing that?

I feel that I can express anger and all other emotions around Stu (although we rarely quarrel). I do swallow anger surrounding other things though...things beyond my control. I think the anger manifests as certain general disregard for conformity, and through a slightly rebellious even immature streak in my personality. A lot of things about the world and people make me angry, but I have yet to find a way to channel that anger in a meaningful way. Maybe i should learn to sing?

Do you and your SO have different approaches to fighting...different styles? Have you and/or your SO had to make adjustments or compromises in the way you resolve problems?

No, we are the same.....we hate aggression, hate fightling, and prefer to discuss things if we can. If an issue between us is unresolvable or takes time to resolve, we are inclined to avoid talking about it for a long time. I have personally found that there is such a thing as talking about something too much, instead of waiting for circumstances and feelings to change.

is there anyone who dos'nt fight - I mean who just discuses things instead of fighting about them and if not why?


So far, we haven't found anything to fight about. It is a joke between us that we need to pick a fight just to get it out of the way because, after almost a year as a couple (well over a year as friends) not having had a fight seems abnormal. We have had a couple of misunderstandings that were cleared up immediately, but nothing major. Is THAT wierd?

So far, we haven't found anything to fight about. It is a joke between us that we need to pick a fight just to get it out of the way because, after almost a year as a couple (well over a year as friends) not having had a fight seems abnormal. We have had a couple of misunderstandings that were cleared up immediately, but nothing major. Is THAT wierd?

Nahhh not weird. I have never had fights. Not even in the long term relationships I've had. Never felt the need to.

Of course there were disagreements and tricky discussions, but never really many "fights." Don't think I raised my voice with a girl I have been in a relationship with more than a couple of times in my life.

I chew heads off at work and elsewhere. Makes for a peaceful home life. :D

My other long term relationships (married for 7 years; then lived with someone for 10 years) there were fights, but only after things had built up for so long because I have never liked conflict. However, with demise of each bad relationship, I developed more and more backbone and do not let things go until it just boils over. Mind you, I am still a very firm believer in not sweating the small stuff; life is just too short. But, I will never let people treat me like crap again - except of course for my children;)

Don't argue with your wife ... dicker :D

My YM is a "HOT" head. :eek:

While I would love to scream and yell until I'm blue in the face it will only prolong the fight. So we vent and walk away. Before you know it we're back apologizing to each other.

But we've learned to be more respectful of each other. When we first met I was a name caller and he threw things. After the first couple fights we both changed.

I couldn't bear calling him out of name and he couldn't stand seeing me scared of him. While I have that inner urge once in a while to call him something rude I don't. It's not worth the pain I would cause him or myself in doing it.

I think the hardest thing to do is change how you "fight". Emotions are charged and it's so easy to go back to the old ways. They were my survival tools. Now I have to be willing to believe he won't kick me while I'm down just because everyone in the past did. And that is very hard to do sometimes.

Don't argue with your wife ... dicker :D

Ewwww . . . that brought me to a really bad deja vu experience . . . my ex used to say that.:rolleyes:

Ya know sometimes we don't so much as serious fight as we play fight . . . but we do some serious making up! :p

We fight, as every couple does, and we've had dysfunctional fights and healthy fights.

We're learning now how to fight better. :)

The thing about fighting is, when one person is pissed off, that person can so EASILY draw the other person into the pissed offedness if the other person doesn't know how to fend it off.

The main thing is, don't let him draw you into his anger. Here's a scenario:

He comes home from work, sees the house a mess (for whatever reason, for me, it's my kids) and starts getting angry. Goes to the fridge, discovers someone drank all of his pop (we have cistern water, can't drink it, have to have other liquid), so he gets more pissed off, goes to our bedroom, sees that the kids were in there watching t.v. and messing with his stuff, gets more pissed off. Okay, now we have a boiler maker about to explode!

Meanwhile, I'm in the kitchen, being June Cleaver, thinking all is well, making dinner and talking to the kids, and one of them whines about something they don't deserve to have...it's the last straw, the boiler maker explodes, and all Hell breaks loose!

I used to buy into his anger and yell back. Now, I AFFIRM his anger "I understand why you're pissed off. You have every right to be. You dig the holes, and I'll hit them in the head with a sledgehammer!" :D

Seriously though, we've learned after years and years (and counseling) how to fight more EFFECTIVELY. It doesn't mean we don't sometimes say things that hurt, or raise our voices, it means that for the most part, we stay on task, but that's a learned skill and a whole lot of people don't have it. It's learned through counseling and it's a great skill to have.

If you're with someone, ANYONE, for any amount of time, at some point, they're inevitably going to piss you off, and you're going to piss them off. It's human nature. We're selfish, self-preserving creatures who put ourselves first instinctively. How we handle it depends on what coping skills we've learned.

Animals are really cool about it. They fight, they show their teeth and knarl, and eventually, they agree to disagree and go on about their business. They don't hold grudges or withhold sex and affection, they just go on about their business, and the next time they meet up, it's all good and they lick eachother's butts! :D

Animals are really cool about it. They fight, they show their teeth and knarl, and eventually, they agree to disagree and go on about their business. They don't hold grudges or withhold sex and affection, they just go on about their business, and the next time they meet up, it's all good and they lick eachother's butts! :D

LOL, Polly, this is how Joe and I fight . . . guess we're just animals! :D

LOL Peachy! We're ALL animals! So, are you saying butt licking occurs when you two make up??? :D In my instance, it's more like "butt kissing"! LOL

Ahh yes . . licking of all sorts (Joe is into tossed salad . . . uh-oh, wait, that's for sexually speaking, sorry) . . . and, of course, some toe sucking!:p

Okay, am I the only one who had to look this up??? :confused:

And now that I have, I wish I hadn't! LOL!