Falling in love with a man 20 years my junior

I'm 47 and my YM friend is 27. I've known him for approximately 1 year and 8 months. We have met under professional circumstances and I have been seeing him once a week at least for that time and we have slowly yet steadily gotten to know each other better.

Since the beginning of this year, we have been sometimes seeing each other twice a week. We are working on performing music. We both play guitar and I sing. Starting in the next couple of weeks or so we will start to see each other even more because we will start performing more regularly. BTW, this is completely a hobby and for fun at this point. We both have day jobs. We are doing this out of mutual interest in doing so.

At this point we are casual friends. Our connection is primarily music, although we do talk about other things and seem to share some common views and interests. He talks to me about his career. He also has talked to me a bit about his friends, life, and family. We have never discussed our relationship and have never been physically intimate in any way. In the whole time I've known him, we've shared one handshake...lol! He is a very sweet man, polite, a bit on the shy side, and a little reserved. However, he is intelligent and very thoughtful. He has never really shown me that he is interested in me romantically in any overt way and he is not the type to be overtly flirtatious, although he did compliment me on my hair once and has said some nice things to me. We have only gone out to a music pub a couple of times. These were not really dates, just very casual social get-togethers to see what these places were like as we hope to perform together.

The other night he expressed to me that he would like to practice more often, if our schedules allow, and also would like to go to a variety of open mikes in town to perform. This was our plan but we are now just starting to do all this. For various reasons, I was starting to think he might not want to do this anymore, but I was wrong. It seems he's motivated to go ahead with all this.

The thing is I'm afraid that I may be falling in love with this YM. I guess that's been happening ever since I met him, but I have been fighting it tooth and nail. When we first met, I was still living with my long-time Ex-BF. I've been on my own now since last year, and that's when I began getting closer to this YM.

Our personalities seem to blend so well. We get along great and have so much fun when we practice together. However, there is definitely sexual tension between us. Sometimes, he appears a little awkward, especially when we met at a bar one time. It was the first time we were out together just the two of us in a social setting and perhaps it was my imagination but he seemed a bit nervous. I was too, but I played it cool.

Some people have been telling me to talk to him, but my gut feeling is to let things continue as they are and allow nature to take it's course. If things are meant to develop further, then I believe they will. I do not want to second guess this young man. He may be a bit quiet and reserved, but I do believe he is perfectly capable of expressing himself. Sometimes he does seem to need a nudge though, but he is certainly capable. Since we will be spending more time together, I thought it would be best to just see how things go in the next few months as we begin to perform.

I just wish I wasn't so scared. I'm having a hard time accepting this big age-gap. I actually tried on-line dating at the end of last year for the purpose of trying to forget about this YM and find someone my age. What ended up happening was that I gravitated toward the younger men, or they to me, and I ended up dating two YM for a very short time. One was 34 and the other 25! I think I did it just to see what it would be like. It made no sense. The whole point was to forget this particular YM and I end up going out with younger men! For some reason the 25 year old guy called me tonight to say hello, hadn't heard from him for a while. When I had dated him, I had never told him about my YM friend. I did tonight. That was a significant revelation and it made me post this thread.

I guess my question is....am I handling this allright up to now? I feel that focusing on our friendship makes the most sense and will keep us both out of trouble considering the situation. I really don't think that it would be a good idea to reveal any feelings just yet because I'm still confused myself and I don't want to drive him away.

Are there any words or advice y'all can offer? Sorry this is so long...I needed to get this out. Thanks for listening. :(

It sounds like you have a good relationship with him even if it isn't romantic (yet). ;)

We have a 26-year gap. Our romance gradually grew out of friendship (also music-based). The difference for us is that it's a long-distance relationship... because of that, we've spent about three thousand hours online getting to know each other from the inside out over the past two years. We will finally be living together next month. :)

I let him lead, I let him set the pace. After 9 months, he was the first to say I love you... I said the same shortly after. Since that time, I've sometimes tried to push the relationship forward when he wasn't ready, so I've had to pull back and let him continue to set the pace. Sometimes that's hugely frustrating for me, but ultimately that's what works for *us*.

Anyway... that's us. If you read some other OW/YM threads, you'll discover that for many couples here it was the young man who did the pursuing. Often that's because the older woman had initial insecurities about the relationship for various reasons.

So I can't offer advice on how to nudge your guy along, other than to continue to do what you've been doing. Enjoy your friendship and see where it takes you.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with him even if it isn't romantic (yet). ;)

If you read some other OW/YM threads, you'll discover that for many couples here it was the young man who did the pursuing. Often that's because the older woman had initial insecurities about the relationship for various reasons.

So I can't offer advice on how to nudge your guy along, other than to continue to do what you've been doing. Enjoy your friendship and see where it takes you.

Thanks for your comments, Faith. Yes, I also feel, though non-romantic, we do have a very good relationship. Although my YM friend is a bit reserved at times, he can be very sweet, kind and gentle. He's very responsive and has become more and more expressive about his interests in doing things. Actually, I can't imagine him aggressively pursuing any woman and often thought a girl would really have to chase him because he's shy and also seems very selective. He tends to hint around at things, about wanting to go to a new music club, or something social, and then when I pick up his cues, he jumps at the opportunity. We even ended up taking an 8-week music class together at his suggestion, or should I say, "hinting". Sometimes, I'm not sure how I feel about this...I'm used to men being a bit more "in charge" and upfront, although I'm far from subservient or meek. But I'm adjusting. He seems to be as well. I'm subtly showing him that I would like him to make the decisions as well and express to me what the things he likes and wants to do. I find that he often asks me, "What will WE be doing....what time will WE be going...etc.?" As if he expects me to decide these things and tell him. I guess some women might like that, be able to tell him what to do all the time, but I like a more equal situation. He seems to be okay with that. When I ask him, although sometimes it takes a little teeth pulling, he will give me an answer. :p Maybe that's just a general "male" indecisiveness and not just an age thing, I don't know.

when I pick up his cues, he jumps at the opportunity.

I think that's the magic key for you two. ;)

So it was for us, like the musical phenomenon of "call and response" back and forth...

Best wishes! :)

Only you know how open you want to be about your feelings.

I am not a very patient person. With my first YM, we had danced around the issue for a long time and he had been putting out vibes. Finally, I told him: "I may be way off base here, and if so, it won't be the first time, but you have been putting out signals and maybe I have gotten them wrong . . . so tell me where are we going with this?"

I always feel it is best for me to get everything out in the open and not have anything left hanging to wonder about. But that's just me.

As for your age gap, I don't see any problem with that . . . Joe and I have almost 26 years between us. :D

I have seen young men putting out vibes just because they are sociable or even flirty. That does not mean that they are specifically attracted to me. Keep the communication open and try to encourage more social settings but if I were you I would not ask him point blank if he likes me, because:
1. If he is not interested you might lose a nice friendship, and lose face
2. If he is in the brink and feels that you take the initiative he might get scared and backtrack.
3. If he really likes you and you keep putting out subtle vibes he will make sure of his feelings and when he is ready he will approach you.

Normally I would not recommend this if it was a same-age relationship but in age-gap relationship sometimes a mentor-pupil, or an aunty-nephew friendly feeling can exist on the part of the young man and be misinterpreted by the older woman as romantic interest from the young man.

Our age difference is 21 years so it is possible if both parties want it.

That's true Sheila . . . but . . . as we have found reading a lot of the stories on this board . . . some of the young guys ARE interested and don't think the older women would be open to it . . . some of them just need a nudge . . . my first YM told me later that he was so glad I made a move because he didn't know if he would have had the nerve to approach me. You just never know whether you are doing the right thing or not. It's a crap shoot . . . I usually just go with my gut. :D

Thanks for sharing your stories and the advice and suggestions. I'm feeling a lot more comfortable about the situation, although I'm still not sold on the the age-gap romantic relationship for myself.

I really admire all of you, especially you ladies with the 20+ age gap situations. You all seem so cool and just going for the gusto. I'll keep everything you've suggested in mind and keep you posted!

, I can't imagine him aggressively pursuing any woman Do you know if he has ever dated? I don't want to rain on your parade but there is a small chance that he might be gay. I don't think that is the case but you never know.

It sounds like you want to take it slow. There is nothing wrong with that and it has it's benefits if you have the patience. I used to, but I am more like Peachy now. I like how she brought the topic up (Am I getting the wrong vibes, etc.). ;)

Enjoy the journey! :)

rosebud, the agegap thing is just an outward appearance, its not what is in a couples heart.

we got five years behind us with a twenty year gap, a war, a deployment, and now live two countries apart.

it would be impossible for me to be with anyone other than adam. i have never thought this is not worth it or i made a mistake. never.

i have however, felt this way in every relationship up to this point, this is the first one i dont have doubts about.

but i did in the beginning........i had to be dragged into this relationship by my husband. God, he was patient, we were friends for a year prior and when he dropped the bomb that he wanted more than friendship....i headed for the hills.

literally. on the drive back, i decided to give it a whirl, to the extent of a one night stand that has perpetuated now to over 1800 nights plus a marriage.

he is very cute and sexy... i ran into my exhusband a month ago, he looks much older, that new chicky must be hard on the poor man.

i feel like i hit the jackpot. hee hee for me.

Do you know if he has ever dated? I don't want to rain on your parade but there is a small chance that he might be gay. I don't think that is the case but you never know.

It sounds like you want to take it slow. There is nothing wrong with that and it has it's benefits if you have the patience. I used to, but I am more like Peachy now. I like how she brought the topic up (Am I getting the wrong vibes, etc.). ;)

Enjoy the journey! :)

I don't really know his relationship history at all. He's kind of the silent type. I mean, he talks, but he's not the mr. chatty, "why don't we spill our guts" type. He's "cool"...he doesn't where his heart on his sleeve at all. The closest he came was telling me about a "friend" he had in college who also was involved in music, and he referred to the friend as "her". But I have no idea if this was a girlfriend or a "friend" like me. :confused:

Anything is possible, and of course it has crossed my mind, but I've known a lot of gay men, having been involved in theater years ago, and I'm not getting the sense that he is gay. Also, his lifestyle, attitudes, friends, interests would suggest that he is most likely a straight guy. That's just my opinion, I could be wrong. I'm more likely to believe that he is simply very inexperienced with women. I think that shyness is a problem for him. There is some sort of insecurity there that he has. I don't really know why, though. He's a nice-looking, intelligent, guy and has a successful career for a guy his age. And he's a likable, and very pleasant fellow. We've talked a little about his family and I'm thinking that maybe he comes from a family where a lot has been expected of him and nothing is ever good enough. I can identify a little with that myself. He reminds me quite a bit of my older brother in personality and also he's the straight A student type, a bit of a perfectionist. There's always a reason two people are drawn to each other, often it's something you sense about the other person subconsciously--that somehow they will understand your experience and history and accept you despite your "issues".

Rosebud, it sounds like you've got a deep under-the-surface bond with him. If you can have the patience, as yellowrose says just take it slow if that's what feels right for you.

But now that you'll be performing together more frequently, maybe that'll be the opportunity for both of you to draw each other out more. I bet he's just as curious about you. Maybe you could throw him a bone once in a while, by dropping a little bit here and there about your own past relationships?

I just came home from the most fun and wonderful evening with my YM friend. We went to perform at an open mike for the first time. The place was really fun, it was a place I suggested. It turned out I knew a couple of people there and one of my YM's roommate also stopped by for a while. My YM drove (he's a great driver!) and we had a casual meal at the place when we got there. We had a nice conversation and it was really great!

He said that he had a really fun time and he suggested we try to do this at least once a week....like for a long time!!! We're going to practice again tomorrow night and we're planning to go to another place to perform this weekend!

At this point, the ONLY obstacle (if we choose to keep it an obstacle) is the age gap. If we could get past that, I feel we might possibly have a truly wonderful relationship. We get along so well and we seem to see eye to eye on a lot of things. He's sweet and he opens doors for me! Now if we could get past the age gap and his shyness...we could REALLY make some beautiful music together!:D

I am happy that you two had such a great evening. :)

You know I just don't think age-gap would be a problem for him. It obviously does not bother him to be out in public with you. So I wouldn't even worry about that. ;)

That's great news Rosebud, but is it you that has concerns about the age gap, or him? Or both of you? I didn't think it was him because you mentioned in your earlier post that you two had not discussed a relationship at all. Are you reading more into his shyness than there really is? Or, are you like so many of the rest of us OW and are playing negative tapes in your head about the age difference?

That's great news Rosebud, but is it you that has concerns about the age gap, or him? Or both of you? I didn't think it was him because you mentioned in your earlier post that you two had not discussed a relationship at all. Are you reading more into his shyness than there really is? Or, are you like so many of the rest of us OW and are playing negative tapes in your head about the age difference?

The age-gap concern right now is me...and I don't know about him because we've never discussed it. And we've never disclosed our ages to eachother, I only know his age 'cause I looked him up on the internet and it came up on a blog profile he wrote.

And, you got it right...unfortunately, I DO have the negative tapes playing in my head...I think even in my sleep...LOL...about the age difference. That's why I'm here on this site. It even took me three months to get the nerve to post my first thread for advice!

Yellowrose....thanks for your support! Obviously, he's okay with us being friends...and doing things in public. Hell, we're performing together, how much more public can you get than that? And he also has introduced me to his friends and they have been very nice...they have all been pretty much his age. And they have always been very nice to me. And I happen to run into a couple of people I knew and I introduced everyone. So we are certainly starting to socialize "out there" without any problems related to the age-gap. Although, my negative tapes say, "but would he want to introduce you as his girlfriend?

I do sense, however, that he is "different". That he doesn't run with the pack and marches to the rythym of his own drummer so maybe that's a good thing. While the place we went to was a lot of fun (it was my suggestion), he commented that what he liked about another place, which he likes where we'll go this weekend to perform...is that the people are much more eccentric and unusual. He commented that the only thing about the place we went to last night that he questioned (he was joking) is that they seemed "too normal." And, interestly enough, my reason for suggesting the place is that it did seem more normal and somehow I thought he would be more comfortable! Isn't that ironic. He actually said he likes places where people aren't so obviously normal!:p