OW - why do I feel so vulnerable?

This forum is super. I'm 58 (post-menopausal!), and have a relationship with a beautiful 45-year old man. We started out with this pure love thing, as we have been friends for 8 years and his wife of a few years recently left him. I think he needed to spend time with a woman he trusted, as he is still hurting and healing (wedding pics still up). We started spending time together (about twice a week) and - wham, got involved. He is so passionate! At first, I told him I thought I was too old for him, and that he should go out with younger women. He acknowledges the age gap thing (and wondered if I wouldn't be embarrassed to meet his mother). But when I mentioned this again - wondering if I should just cut this off so that he feels totally free, he said "is that what you want?" Hey, I tried so hard not to, but I am now so in love with him. This makes me feel wonderful and vibrant, but so vulnerable! Here we are, two liberals living in the conservative south; he is more the long-hair hippie type - beautiful and fun-loving (but very well-educated). We are getting closer all the time, starting to relax more with eachother, and he seems to be coming out of his doldrums. I want to hope that this relationship will go somewhere; I am as excited as I am afraid that surely he will soon just want younger women. I'm also afraid my fears will in themselves drive him away! Is this normal? I am so interested in hearing the perspectives of others.

Honey, you need to just throw those fears out the window! :D You're only talking about a 13-year gap and that is probably just about perfect. And he is close to being past the age that most men go through that dreaded mid-life crisis.

You need to just relax, enjoy it and see where it goes. At our age, we don't have a minute to lose and must live life to the fullest. Don't waste any of it worrying about things that you have no control over.

Keep reading this board and you will see that, for some people, age is not really a factor in finding your true love or finding happiness with someone you have a deep connection with.

We are in the conservative south too and we have an almost 26-year gap and I will tell you that no one seems to notice that we are odd at all. We never get negative remarks or staring or rudeness anywhere we go.

Welcome to Ageless!! :)

Best of luck in your relationship. I would be more afraid for the fact that his break-up is so recent and that he seems not to have reached closure yet. Apart from that I feel that you have so much to offer that the age difference is no problem.

Go slowly!

He IS still hurting and healing...if you go too fast, you'll just be a rebound thing.

This has nothing to do with age, more to do with where HE'S at in his life and figuring out what he wants after all those years of marriage.

DON'T verbalize your insecurities to him. Yes, it will eventually drive a wedge between you two. YOU own your insecurities, and then figure out what you need to do to heal them. He didn't do anything to make you feel this way, you feel this way because society taught you that younger women are more desireable. Remember this: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. He thinks you're desireable and beautiful. If he didn't, he wouldn't be with you. Beauty comes in all ages, sizes, and other factors. Loving yourself is the most beautiful thing to a man.

Listen to him, be his friend, and let him set the pace for this budding relationship. Don't be too needy or clingy, just be there when you can, and live your life as you otherwise would. Don't be afraid to love. Love without holding back. It might last the rest of your life, or it might turn into just friendship at some point, but you'll still have experienced something wonderful that you wouldn't have traded for the world. Even if you experience hurt, at least you also experienced a joyful relationship with this man.

Good luck, I hope it works out! :)

OMG, you all are so very wonderful! Thank you SO MUCH for making me feel already a part of this family! This forum must keep each of us going - giving us that broader perspective.

I want to be confident, and must just try to be myself and hang in there! I couldn't agree more about just loving him as I want to and enjoying this relationship for as long as I can. What more could one ask for at this point in my life?!

You're welcome, December . . . stick around . . . there is a wealth of information and support here . . . but I must warn you . . . this place is addictive! :D

You've gotten good advice here, but I just want to reiterate that you do need to show confidence (at least on the outside! :D ) as that is one thing that as a rule why younger men are drawn to us. Go with the flow and enjoy! I am a year behind you, and my man is 29 and that is what I have decided to do. :p Life is just too short not to enjoy every minute. My motto now is to live in the present; I deserve everything that comes my way and only for my finances will I look into the future.

And welcome to ageless~

PS. My new philosophy also centers around my daily life. I have asked myself: WHAT the heck am I saving my good Waterford glasses for? My silver? I use them now whenever I want to and feel GREAT when I do!

I want to be confident, and must just try to be myself and hang in there! I couldn't agree more about just loving him as I want to and enjoying this relationship for as long as I can. What more could one ask for at this point in my life?!

Something that I found helped me a lot was changing the way I thought about myself. Instead of thinking of myself as: a mother of two, 50 years old, past menopause, getting old, etc. I started thinking of myself as simply a woman :D

I think, at times, we get so used to identifying ourselves by the labels bestowed on us by society that we lose sight of ouselves and forget who we really are.

What a great post!!
I too was so caught up in being someone's mom and someone's wife ( now the caretaker), and the boss at my job, that when I did find a love and happiness just for me, I was not sure what label to put on it.
It's hard just to think that I am a woman first, before all of these things and the woman in me fell in love.
Thanks for putting this in perspective "she-wolf". I am sure this post will help a lot of us OW going through good times and rough times.

My new philosophy also centers around my daily life. I have asked myself: WHAT the heck am I saving my good Waterford glasses for? My silver? I use them now whenever I want to and feel GREAT when I do!
SB! I have recently come to the same conclusion! I am even setting out the nice stuff for my younger grandkids. It is amazing at how careful they are with everything. :)

To the poster: When I have been in the place where you are at, I manage my feelings by making sure my thinking is positive. If I feel anxiety, I tell myself that it is excitement over this new possibility. If I feel fear, I take it to the worst conclusion. By doing that, I realize that if the worst happened, I would be grateful for the experience and I would survive.

I try not to live too much in the future by romanticizing. But instead, take time to savor the present and get to know this person. Rather than constantly wondering if he likes me, I make sure I spend time looking for red flags to see if I really like him or do I LIKE THE IDEA OF HIM.

Welcome to Ageless and thanks for sharing your story with us!