I've decided WE women are our own worst enemies...

when it comes to age gap relationships. And I am talking about "older women" who are 40+ (and not just the "older one" in the relationship). The media has/had made us insecure, for the most part, even when we were younger as they had us believing that "youth and beauty" are synonymous. But finally this is slowly being discounted with the Dove ads which shows beauty at every age. However, even though those ads are a step in the right direction, they still do not quite help us with our insecurities when it comes to men, especially younger men. I have been a member here for a long time (was #681!), and one of the main concerns I have seen over the years for the most part is when female "newbies" join is "will he still love me when I'm 65~ (and he is 30,35,40,45, 50)" " when what I think we really mean is will he still be sexually attracted to me when I am that age?!" Peachy and Bubblee (who are in their 50's like me) seem not to have either of these insecurities, and in the decade below us, neither does Kittylane. I am sure there are others here as well who feel just as secure, but these three come to mind. Hence it is time that we try to look more positive on all of this like they do and drop the questioning negativity (which by the way, I do not see our older men counterparts saying, nor our younger men who come here, unless THEY are wondering if they will still love us...and to be honest, if they have to question it, this type of relationship is not for them).

But getting back to the main point, I know that I have just recently stopped verbally doubting as I realized that I was at times "driving away" the man who loved me by my comments, which I thought were realistic but in essence were really negative. Let me explain just a bit. My man (a true Serbian knight) is 29 years younger than I am, and we corresponded for a year before me met in person. The first day when I found out he was only 27, I forewarned him that I could be his mum. That did not deter him; when he saw my picture and we cammed it still did not deter him even as I pointed out wrinkles. All he said was that I was a beautifully mature woman. When we finally met, it was night and the lights were low; but at one time when I went into the bright kitchen and he looked at me, I thought to myself OH OH. As the night went on, I mentioned my age again, and he told me to stop it, for he saw me in the bright light, and he loved what he saw. I never mentioned my age again until he had to leave two weeks later. I am back in America and he has been gone now for almost six weeks; so to try to feel closer to him, I went back to read all our archived chat...and when I did, I was amazed the man is still loves me and wants only me! Since his job demands that he is gone a lot, when he would come back home and online to me, it would never fail that I WAS THE ONE to bring up MY AGE! :( And he would counter with angry emoticons or sometimes angry words telling me to stop it; yet I still did not get it! I sorta "got it" when we met and I could "feel" his love with every look and action during the time we were together, but this time after reading the archives, I really GOT IT!!!! :D (But also that his godfather keeps telling me that he has never seen Nikola like this before over a woman...so one point for the American team!) HE loves me and I love him and that is that. ANd when he returns and when I am back in Serbia, you can believe me when I tell you that I will/am NOT going to bring up my age again. I am also not going to worry about what the future may hold, for worrying with self-doubt can tear apart what we have now. And truthfully I am more concerned about me being an American, for if he moves up the ladder in his profession, they may not look too kindly on that! Someone had written on a thread once awhile back that if we keep telling our ym that we are old and point out our flaws, he will then begin to notice...and I now believe that... almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So ladies, what I am trying to say is that we need to stop being our own worst enemy and just graciously and gratefully accept that we have someone who loves us; and that more than likely, we are the best thing that has ever happened to this man! :D

Regards...

What an excellent post! I think it expresses a situation in which all OW have been at one point or another in our relationships.

YAY!! Well said suicideblonde, wonderful post :D

As I posted in another thread, a lot of women get so caught up in defining themselves by the labels they are given by society that they forget that they are women first and foremost.

It is the woman that we are that our men are attracted to, they don't see see us as mothers or 40/50 somethings, or grandmothers ........... they see us as the beautiful, desirable, attractive, interesting WOMAN that they want to be with.

So ladies, what I am trying to say is that we need to stop being our own worst enemy and just graciously and gratefully accept that we have someone who loves us; and that more than likely, we are the best thing that has ever happened to this man! :D


That's EXACTLY what us YM who are attracted to, and love, OW have been saying all along. If we wanted women our age or younger we'd go for them, but we don't. WE want what OW have to offer, so please ladies, stop doubting us when we say we want to be with you!:D

I agree! But I think this is true for women of any age. Even younger ones who have nothing to be concerned about in terms of looks, think they are too fat, too skinny, don't have perfect skin, etc., and fear their BFs/husbands will leave them because of superficial things. There's probably nothing more unattractive than someone who is obsessed about how they look whether...it's to primp all the time or self-criticize.

Since I am still not yet actually IN a relationship with a YM (we're just friends), I have to say that this IS an issue that causes me to hesitate being more assertive about wanting something more than friendship (which, if I was really honest, I'd say, "yes I do indeed!"). But part of me worries that I would feel pressured to stay in shape and look good because he's so much younger than me. And while that could be a good thing...how can making an effort to be healthy and look good as you get older be bad? On the otherhand, I would like to "feel" more relaxed about it. There's another man who has shown some interest who is 50ish and I would certainly consider dating him, and part of the appeal is that he isn't young and has a little belly and all that, so I guess it appeals to my insecurity about having to compete with the YM's youthful appearance, at least at this point. I know that's the kind of thinking this thread is about and I wish I didn't feel this way, but I think it's alive and well. What can we do to change it? It's not easy.

I've found myself trying to bring up my age to my YM friend who is 20 years younger (I'm 47) and he NEVER will ask me my age. I have given him plenty of opportunities and implied it by telling him what I was doing at in a certain year, etc., and he just smiles. Never will he ask, and I kinda like that! Obviously I'm older than him, but he doesn't seem the least bit interested in finding out. I also suspect, since he hasn't told me his age (I looked him up on the internet), he doesn't necessarily want to broadcast his age either. I kind of like it this way. It's also kind of fun keeping a little mystery to it all. That's not to say I would ever lie about my age...I'm proud to have made it this far and in one piece...but you know spelling everything out, dotting every I, and crossing every T in life is WAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY over-rated!;)

Still, when I've been out with my YM friend, sometimes I feel a little self-conscious. I'm imagining what people are thinking about what our relationship is and I'm also wondering if my YM is self-conscious too. I'm having a hard time getting beyond it. It's probably just my own vanity, I realize that, but difficult nevertheless to deal with, for me, anyway. :(

Linda! You are there, girl! Congratulations :D

I am not going to waste time and energy worrying about whether Joe is going to love me in 10 years, 5 years, next year. I think we need to embrace the day and be thankful for what we have today. If I didn't learn anything at all in my 25-year marriage . . . I did learn that any man, regardless of his age or whether you are the same age, can cheat on you, stop loving you, leave you, or find what they think is better than you. We need to face the fact that people are human and the only thing sure in this world except death and taxes is change. I think the trick in any relationship is to grow in the same direction together and that has nothing whatsoever to do with the age of the two parties.

As to media hype as to what a woman should be or look like? I never have and never will give the media much credence. One thing us baby boomer women have in our favor is that we make up a vast majority of the women in this country today.

I wish the best for you and Nikola and hope that you do embrace the day with him and accept and enjoy all the love he has to give you. :)

Shewolf, yes, I totally agree with you and went back to read what you had written on the other thread. Excellent food for thought!

Peachy you are right about me finally getting there! I feel like not only has a weight been lifted from my shoulders, but that I should get a diploma or something! :D And thanks for the kind wishes, too!

And Rosebud, I WISH I were your age!!!! :D But I agree that you are at a different place than I am... so just keep moving forward, but with NO negativity, Missy!

And Dave.... kisses as usual!

Regards...
PS . If anyone wants to see Nikola, his photo is on my profile.;)

But part of me worries that I would feel pressured to stay in shape and look good because he's so much younger than me.

I had to laugh when I read this, Rosebud. Joe is a personal trainer and a powerlifter and is so into the body building and health stuff. And I am the ultimate couch potato. Have I had any motivation to go to the gym?? Nope! :D

Still, when I've been out with my YM friend, sometimes I feel a little self-conscious. I'm imagining what people are thinking about what our relationship is and I'm also wondering if my YM is self-conscious too. I'm having a hard time getting beyond it. It's probably just my own vanity, I realize that, but difficult nevertheless to deal with, for me, anyway. :(

I'll tell you what they are thinking . . . the older women are thinking "You Go Girl!" . . . and the young men are thinking "You Go Guy, wish I could find a hot older woman!" . . . mostly the only ones who have a big problem with our type of relationships are the older men (who don't want us either, by the way) and the younger women (who are probably looking for an older man anyway). So I don't worry for a minute what people are thinking. They can think what they want . . . doesn't really matter, does it??

Great thread, Linda. You are absolutely right. I spend far too much time being insecure, all the while, the age difference means nothing to Remi. He loves me for who I am, not how I am. I need to find a way to finally accept that.

These are great posts, and are a perfect follow-up to the concerns/fears I expressed a few days ago as the OW in a fairly new relationship!

Thank you for further articulating these issues to help us all keep the faith. You are so right about how we seem to want to keep bringing up the age issue, pointing to our own insecurities, but inside really wanting validation that we are OK and special.

I heard on a comedy show last night something about how polls show that it's not the hormone changes that make us worried about our appearance and attractiveness; it's all the hype about image. How sad it is that commercialization and marketing has led us to trading in what might otherwise have been a balanced perspective for one based on fear of no long being in the competition. This also says a whole lot for the YM in our lives - that they love us for who we are.

I love this new "family!"

Sadly, it's not just older women that are insecure and feel unsexy at times...it's ALL women and girls! My 14-year-old daughter obssesses over her looks! :(

What we need is a revolution to overthrow the media's idea of "sexy" and "desireable". I'm tired of staring at ads showing size 2, 5'11" women who are probably losing their bodily organs as we speak through anorexia and bulemia, and told by the media that THIS is sexy! What's so sexy about someone who can't keep their meals down or is too weak to climb a flight of stairs due to malnourishment?

I'm guilty of using Oil of Olay Regenerist Serum. I do it to deter wrinkles because I don't want to look a lot older than Robin. But if I had to do away with every beauty product I own, he'd still find me sexy because he finds the "essence" of me sexy. That's what men fall in love with...the essence of us, and we can hold on to that until we die.

There's a Martina McBride song called, "This One's For The Girls". There's a verse I particularly like, I actually shed a few emotional tears the first time I heard it:

This one's for all you girls about 42
Tossing pennies into the fountain of youth
Every laugh line on your face
Made you who you are today. :)

Isn't it true that we earned every wrinkle and laugh line? We made it through all this stuff that life threw at us, and here we are, prevailing today! I don't hide my age, I tell it proudly, like a trophy I earned. I love everything about being 43. I'm sexier now than I ever was at 21 and size 5.

The chorus of the above-mentioned song goes:

This one's for the girls who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are

This one's for the girls who've loved without holding back
Who dreamed with everything they had
All around the world...this one's for the girls.

We ARE beautiful the way we are! Each of us has a unique beauty that belongs only to us. Each of us has something unique to offer the world and our loves. Would you rather be a generic runway model, washed up by age 24, or a unique, confident woman who is absolutely unforgettable at any age? We are each God's work of art, created soley with a purpose in mind. We can primp and preen all we want, but the power of our beauty lies within us, and men can see it through our eyes and feel it from our hearts.

A woman who loves herself and gives love away because she can afford to...that woman is truly beautiful! :)

Someone had written on a thread once awhile back that if we keep telling our ym that we are old and point out our flaws, he will then begin to notice...and I now believe that... almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Exactly!

In the 2 years I've known my man, I have NEVER voiced any insecurities about my age, my looks, or my future. He's highly impressionable, like most men are in their 20s, and I certainly don't want to plant any negative ideas in his mind! He sees me therefore as being self-confident, and I'm glad of that.

I'm comfortable with my age (55), although I do admit I'd feel better about the gap if he were at least 30! But he's getting there. ;)

Funny thing about us, though... our romance grew out of an online friendship during which we didn't meet in person at all for the first year. After the first 8 months, we finally expressed our feelings of love. I had already seen a few photos of him (I googled his name, plus he emailed some vacation shots)... BUT he had absolutely NO IDEA what I looked like.

After we said I love you, another 2 months passed, during which I felt gradually assured that his love was genuine... and only THEN did I finally sent him photos. I had nothing to hide... I simply wanted our relationship to be based first on who we are INside, not how we look OUTside. (Although it turns out that we're both powerfully attractive to each other physically. :) ) I sent several photos... full-length, close-up, all angles, fully lit. His response: "You beautiful sexy woman!" He repeats those words constantly... it's how he sees me and it makes me FEEL beautiful.

I do my best to look my best for him... but he's also seen me looking haggard and travel-weary, he's seen me when I've been sick as a dog and when I've been crying until my eyes are red and my whole face is hideously swollen. One thing I know about my looks though (because countless people have told me), I can actually give myself a "facelift" by smiling... it transforms my face, and I can then see the visible result in HIS face, which lights up in return. I try to remember that, even when things are rocky between us... I love this man and I can somehow manage to smile and show him my love that way.

As for the future, Peachy said it best...
"I think we need to embrace the day and be thankful for what we have today."

I believe the best way to bring forth a good future is by making RIGHT NOW the best it can be. My man is German... as he says, "Wir können das gut"... We can make it good. :)

Yes great post suicideblonde (and everyone else too!).

The thing I've noticed in all my long term relationships, no matter what age differences apply, is that at some point sex and passion are just not going to be the hooks to keep a man interested any more. After a while, the novelty wears off and no matter how beautiful you appear, those `lustful feelings' don't compare to how it feels when you meet someone new, or how it felt when you were just getting to know one another.

You can spend every spare moment you have devoted to your beauty, but it won't make a difference....at the end of the day, if your guy is only interested in sexual excitement, a new women is going to be more exciting. Such is the nature of lust.

I believe that partners don't stay because of beauty......men learned this eaons ago, which is why they don't get all caught up in being beautiful. A partner stays because they love the life the two of you create together, because your personalites `gel', because they have a happy life with you, and because they are attached to what is familiar. And of course because they love who you are and who you are to them.

This is why younger women can love older men so much, and why younger men can love older women so much......relationships stop being about sex within the first two years IMHO. After that, you have to be able to offer substance to a relationship, and that substance is what will make a person stay.

We really ARE our own worst enemies. The responses to this post are just great. So I have a question....if we know this, if we have YM who tell us they love us and they hate to hear about the flaws and angst about the future....why do we keep keep worrying out loud? I really try not to, but it creeps in. My wonderful YM used to get really upset by it...used to worry that I doubted his sincerity. Now he says he's accepted that its just the way I am!

SB-I loved your post, and you are so right!

When I first became a moderator here, like 3 years ago I think, I started reading the other side of the site (the YW side) more than I had done previously. And I noticed a lot of comments over there from the younger women saying things like "I wish he would stop pushing me away just because I'm younger", or "The age gap really scares him", or "He thinks I am too young to know what I want"...etc. etc.

Well, despite all the support I had received from everyone on the site, it was only reading that side of the site and what those women were saying that made me "get it". That was how my younger man was feeling. I saw myself saying all the things they commented about, doing the pushing away, the disbelieving..I was guilty of all of it. I could also see that these women loved their OM truly, and age honestly was not a factor.

I really honestly felt awful knowing that I had been putting my YM through all this STUFF, seeing it from this different perspective. I was causing creating problems where there just were'nt any.

I don't talk a lot about my relationship on the site anymore, I guess basically because we haven't had any major problems in a long time. But I just want everyone to know who is back in that period of self doubt, and doubting the relationship or is scared...

J loves me. I'm 14 years older than him, and he loves me. He thinks I'm beautiful. I don't look in the mirror and see beautiful, but he looks at me and sees it. I'm almost 6 years older than I was when we met, a lot less "hot" and 20-some pounds heavier, and he's still here every morning when I wake up, and he still loves me just the same. It can work. There are a lot of relationships on the site just like mine....

Thanks SB for the thread, and congratulations to you and coming to this point and just letting things be and accepting and allowing your relationship to grow. I wish you so much happiness together!

i pm'd you linda to see how you and Nikola met and if you were back, i got my answer, i really did not leave the whole age issue alone for a VERY long time, i dont really understand adam's patience with me at times, i dont shut up when i am insecure, however, that was a long time ago.

if my age was gonna drive him away, i put it in his face ALOT. i stopped because he was getting tired of it, i realized i was really bugging him, not because i put doubt in his head, but because he does not like to be doubted when he makes up his mind, he is very stubborn that way. he is like this in all aspects of life though, he can have a steel door mentality when he makes a decision, i like this about him though, alot. i have found alot of security in his strengths.

i totally agree with peachy, live for the moment, we never know how much time any of us have, if we have been lucky enough to find a great man, regardless of his age, enjoy the moment. live in the "today".

honestly suicide, you sound fascinating, you are an accomplished woman, you are INTERESTING and together, i find it very easy to believe he fell for you.

Great thread!

I think I'm LESS insecure with Jeremy than I was with other men when I was younger.

With them, I didn't know what they'd do if I put on weight or got wrinkles.

With Jeremy, he already fell in love with me "thick" and with lines in my face!

I tend to agree with Bella that it's not the "youth" it's the "thrill" that fades for most men over time - for most women, too. We, as a gender, just tend to accept it more - but that tide is turning, as well.

Don't take each other for granted and try to keep them on their toes and tings should saty "fresh" longer!

I also agree that women are their own worst enemies - especially in the beginning of OW/YM relationships. We constantly push them away - I did at first.

But if you think about it, we should be more confident with a guy who already loves us in spite of our misconcieved "faults!"

But if you think about it, we should be more confident with a guy who already loves us in spite of our misconcieved "faults!"

Great point, Kristin.... we didn't have to convince our ym to love us....they CHOSE us, age,wrinkles,extra pounds and all !!! If anything, they are most likely to be the most loyal later in life. J said to me a long time ago: "You know one thing that's great about being with you?? I already know how you're going to turn out!":D good point

We need to just believe these ym when they tell us they LOVE us and think we are HOT and BEAUTIFUL ... they are looking at who we are on the inside, and how we make them feel about themsleves...and it works!

Great thread SB. Maybe it should be a "Sticky" so that we can keep it?

I have been going through a mini-crisis. I have always been very slender and could eat whatever I wanted. Then a few years ago (age 55) I gained enough weight to wear a size 12. While I did not like being that size, I was still comfortable with myself. I did have to watch what I ate to stay that size.

The beginning of this year I had to give up my beautiful home. The utilities were too high for me to handle. There were other stresses with my grandson and my older daughter and my Dad. I became constantly hungry. I gave in and ate like crazy! I have gained 30 pounds in about 4 months. :eek:

So with turning 60 soon and gaining so much weight, my self esteem has been in a tail spin. I feel the same as I did at 35.

Imagine you went to bed tonight and woke up in the morning and you looked like you were 75. You would certainly have an identity crisis! This is how I feel, like I woke up in a different body. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror.

I have recently tried to diet. I keep failing miserably. Being introspective, I have asked God to help me with this. I thought that the powers that be, would simply take away my appetite. But to no avail...

What has been happening, is that I am beginning to grow again spiritually. The philosophy of 'loving our neighbor' is drawing me to another direction.

I have been praying for others and thinking about how I want to make a difference in the world. This has got my mind off mySELF. My esteem is no longer the hot topic in my head. :p

See, when I am SELF-CENTERED (not selfish though), I dwell on the 'outer' things. When I am INNER-CENTERED, I dwell on the "higher callings" in my life.
If we are musing constantly on whether our guy loves us or not... then we are missing the joy of the PRESENT. We are living in the future.

If we think on our "blessings", we won't have the negative thoughts. I have started writing (again) a gratitude list every morning. It starts my day out right with POSITIVE thoughts and not the negatives.

Sorry this was so long but this is what I have been dealing with personally lately. :)

Ah, Yellowrose...you'll always be the same amazingly caring, self sacrificing. awesome Goddess of a woman to us! And good on you for handling these recent changes so graciously...as always, you're an inspiration.

Hugs!

Great thread SB. Maybe it should be a "Sticky" so that we can keep it?




Consider it done.

Yellowrose, I'm new here, but read your post and identified with a lot of it. I too started gaining weight at 55, and also never had before to watch my weight. I went from a size 8 up to a size 12 also! Like you, I'm also struggling with having to move due to issues with my kid (grown son).

A SUGGESTION THAT I KNOW REALLY WORKS: I have many friends who are vegetarians. One approach to eating that I learned about really does make a HUGE difference in your life, if you are willing to embrace it. Simply eat a lot of raw vegetables. Eat a salad when you first sit down at lunch and dinner. Cut WAY down on any processed foods, and cut out bread and red meats. Filling yourself up daily with vegetables will also give you the phytochemicals and enzymes that you body needs. Because sustenance works at the cellular level, you will begin to see changes in the way you feel - and look - within 2 months. Don't even think about counting calories or measuring anything; simply change the way you approach eating. I lost 10 pounds in 1 month this way, and didn't once limit anything I ate; I only changed my approach. (This is what you are doing with your life now - as I am also: trying to give back, which is what I hope I am doing right now! )

If you can buy a juice extractor (don't spend much - the Waring Health juice extractor is only about $70) and do the carrot juice w/some apple, etc., this will make the veggie enzyme absorption thing work faster. In my experience, it actually changed the elasticity of my skin and made me look and feel younger within 6 weeks. The only challenge with this is that you have to make time for it and you have to commit to doing it. What happens is that you get a craving for the stuff, and this hooks you. I know I sound like I'm on a soapbox, but I'm trying myself to go back to the juicing as it seems almost MAGICAL in its effect.

Best wishes to you - and keep being that wonderful, giving woman you sound like you are. The gifts you give will all come back to you.

This has been "stickied"?? And is that even a word?? :p

I am glad to see so many responses. But again, I do think that even though this feeling of insecurity may be apparent to all women, those in our late forties and fifties who have a large gap may suffer from more anxiety as we will age faster now than someone who is 38 or so.... I know as I have LIVED IT!!! :rolleyes: Like I have written before on threads long gone, as I approached 55 and then hit it, it was like I ballooned up and gravity began to take its toll almost over night!! I have photos of me at 53 and then two weeks before I hit 55 and there was quite a difference, let me tell you! And now others have said the same thing; so until you reach that age you may not understand totally what we mean.

But with that said, I like Bella D's take on love that we "grow into" it more the longer we stay together, and that the passion does tend to subside. However, I disagree abit with the point that a women should not devote a lot of time to "beauty". If you mean mean obsessive amounts of time, I do agree with you, but if you mean beauty just in general, I will disagree as I have seen men leave wives due to that fact, and now women are even doing the leaving. My best friend's husband left her due to her weight gain (and it doubled her size), hence they no longer "gelled" as a couple as the feelings they shared dissapated on his end as she no longer could do the things that they both loved; plus her weight did turn him off sexually. I do think that remaining attractive to our mate is important... but not at the sacrifice of becoming someone we are not. There is a poetic monologue from "Spoon River Anthology" in which a milliner has a reputation for stealing husbands and she gives the reader this advice:

One thing I will tell you
And one I will ask:
The stealers of husbands
Wear powder and trinkets,
And fashionable hats.
Wives, wear them yourselves.
Hats may make divorces—
They also prevent them

We talk about this in class and usually most agree, while some of the more "feminist" girls do not. But interestingly more than not, many tell me that is one reason or the reason why their parents divorced and want to tell the story ( and then I yell: TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!) I think wanting to look attractive, for the most part is human nature...but then, I want to look good for ME moreso, anyway.

Polly, I do love that last line, and it sounds like something Tara Banks would say!

Yellowrose, I hope that you will be able to get back to your old self, and it looks like you are on the right track....but you have to keep in mind all that you have gone though these past months besides the move; something had to "give" as we are all only human... and I would prefer my body to my mind! But it did always amaze me that I could eat one pound of M'&M's and gain FIVE; and how it took me only a few weeks to gain 20 pounds but a few months to lose them! :rolleyes: AHHH the human body! And I had to chuckle too at both the size 12 comments of you and December, as THAT size is what I lost weight to fit into! I guess me being tall does have its benefits!

SpecialK and Kristin. I loved what you both had written about what your men have told you. It is THOSE comments we need to remind ourselves of when the doubt begins to creep in.


And finally, I am glad that so many like Jo and Kitty and Faith and Kristin and Special K have come to terms with this as well. It is very liberating, let me tell you! SO Whitetrose, December and Rosebud, jump on the bandwagon, for like Peachy said that we need to live for the moment as we really do not know how much time we have. It is funny (weird...not ha ha) with that statement, as Nikola has told me twice that more than likely he will die first... hence, I want to make the moments that we will share the best ever!

Regards....

If you mean mean obsessive amounts of time, I do agree with you, but if you mean beauty just in general, I will disagree as I have seen men leave wives due to that fact, and now women are even doing the leaving. My best friend's husband left her due to her weight gain (and it doubled her size), hence they no longer "gelled" as a couple as the feelings they shared dissapated on his end as she no longer could do the things that they both loved; plus her weight did turn him off sexually. I do think that remaining attractive to our mate is important... but not at the sacrifice of becoming someone we are not.

I suppose it depends on the guy, the woman, and the foundation of the relationship...... my guy thinks skinny women look really bad and that they look like self-obsessed drug addicts. He prefers bigger, natural looking ladies (the kind many would regard as overweight) . Still, he fell in love with me when I was skinny and would never have left me because of it, but he also loves my appearance a couple of sizes bigger (ie. with breasts a couple of sizes bigger, giggle:) He and Harrison would get one fine:)

Basically I think I could look any way, and he'd adopt a positive attitude towards that look because he loves who I am. He's a good man. I can relate to his way of thinking because that how i think.....its his personality that makes my life a living joy. I don't care how buff or how overweight he might get (except from a health perspective).

Bella D... I do understand that every man is different. Yet I do feel that when a man falls in love, it is for the "whole package"; hence, the men who prefer bigger women will gravitate toward that. However, to totally change in midstream of a marriage had got to produce some fallout even if the man is like yours. In regards to my friend, her excessive weight did become a health issue as again, I am not talking about a few extra pounds. She is 5'3 and was 150 when she got married, so she already had a few extra pounds as it were at that time. So when she eventually was over 300 pounds 15 years later, the weight hampered her life in nearly every aspect; hence, she was NOT the woman he married and her dress size went up WAY more than just a couple. However, she did not let herself go when it came to dressing or makeup as she did have a professional job to go to. She just could not "do" anything too physical, and I can imagine the emotional pain it caused both of them as they both had been so active. I hope you can see my point.

I think many men would not leave the woman he loves if she just added some "extra padding". It is the extreme of this to which I was referring. But too, I do think for many (not all) appearance does play a role in continual physical attraction and attentiveness, for it did not, there would not even be this thread!

PS. And as my last comment... your guy sure does sound like a "keeper"! My best to you both.

Okay, I'll probably sound like a hypocrite here, but while I believe we shouldn't obssess about our looks as much as who we are on the INSIDE, I also believe it's unfair to one's partner to drastically change one's looks from the person he or she fell in love with, and this is especially true for women.

Men are visual creatures. It doesn't make them turds, or pigs (although they might be anyway) it just makes them MEN. That reading from that book SB posted makes a lot of sense. Be as visually pleasing to your partner as possible so he or she doesn't feel the urge to look elsewhere.

Physical attraction IS, after all, a huge part of a romantic relationship. We can't help gaining a few pounds or aging, any more than we can help the weather, but that doesn't mean that we should just kick back and eat bon bons until we explode!

I have a rare disease which will ultimately "freeze" my face. Instead of going, "Oh well, I didn't ask for this disease, I'm going to turn ugly and that's that." I'm going to look into alternative surgeries and/or procedures to save my face as much as possible. Robin shouldn't have to be subject to sleeping with someone who looks like a monster!

Also, gaining some weight is normal. Doubling in body size is not! Not only do you become morbidly obese, but your HEALTH suffers greatly, which affects your ability to do fun and bonding activities with your partner and affects those around you who care about you. Sexually, it's a relationship killer. Who'd want to sleep with someone who's so big, there's a risk of a heart attack during sex, or positions are extremely limited because of body mass?

This doesn't apply to people who were that big to begin with when they met their partner. Obviously, this person was for whatever reason, able to overcome the weight issue and fall in love anyway. But if you were of average size when you two met, and you become morbidly obese, it's not fair to the other person. You might disagree with me, but I also feel that way about things like hairstyle. If he fell in love with your long hair, should you cut it really short and still expect him to be as attracted to you? Again, this doesn't apply if you lose your hair to cancer, etc., but just having no regard for his feelings on the matter is unfair. You wouldn't want HIM to drastically change his looks and not care what you thought.

I guess what I'm getting at is, looks are somewhat important because physical attraction in a relationship is important. You have to be able to sexually turn eachother on. But obssessing about looks to the degree that it makes you feel badly and bugs the living Hell out of him is unhealthy and unsexy.

Bottom line, when people truly love who they are on the INSIDE, it makes them irresistable on the outside. :) They also don't do unhealthy things to themselves which, in turn, prevents them from drastically changing physically.

I also believe it's unfair to one's partner to drastically change one's looks from the person he or she fell in love with, and this is especially true for women.

Well the fact is you're going to anyway, whether you like it or not if you plan to live your lives out togther. How many old ladies look the same as their wedding photos in their youth? None.

I really think some you watch too much Amererican Tv and are being brainwashed.

I hardly watch tv, thank you very much! Do not even have cable! BellaD, I am going by what I see IN LIFE and have experienced.... and maybe Americans ARE different in this aspect! And if that is not going on in New Zealand, good for you and all the women who live there!

But interestingly enough, that snippet I had from that poem, is close to being 100 years old, so maybe this has been an American feeling, but from what I saw in Serbia, I think not!

And as far as people not looking like their wedding photos... well of course not, as we have aged, and that is something we cannot stop per se...but to me that is not really a "drastic change" that one can prevent. BUT what we can stop is body mass (for the most part) and a slovenly appearance! Sheesh.... But like I said, it could be due to our different cultures that we see things differently. Right now, Bella, you are young still, and thin and very beautiful as I recall from an avatar you once had up. BUT, do ask you SO if you gained enough weight to be over 300 pounds in let's say 10 years, would he still feel about you like he does now, as I am curious. And how would that effect your life for you personally???

PS Polly I basically agree with you, esp about the men being "visual" hence, again, this thread!

Robin once told me (after seeing my mother, LOL) that if I got over 200 pounds he'd be really uncomfortable with that. At first, I was taken aback, and said, "Well, what if I'm in some terrible accident and confined to a wheelchair or something, and it just HAPPENS???" He said, "I wouldn't blame you for it, but it would be hard for me to get turned on."

That's a man just being honest. You can call him a pig or say he's shallow, but most men would say the same thing, I'd bet my house on it!

It reminds me of a comedian I saw on Comedy Central once. He was going on and on about the dating scene, and then he described an ad he posted on a dating site. He said, "My ad read: 'Me: nice guy, romantic, likes long walks, holding hands, movies, outdoors, sitting by a fire. YOU: Not fat."

I laughed so hard, because this IS so typical of a GUY! :D

As some of you know, I'm a housecleaner, and from personal experience, I will (regretfully) disagree with Bella D, because I have seen MANY women who look a good deal like their wedding pics. I swear! Now, these woman have led privileged lives, and that may contribute to their ability to maintain their looks, but they look REALLY GOOD for their age and not a whole lot different from 30 or 40 year old wedding pics!

With all of the products out there, there's not a lot of excuses to "let onesself go". A medical issue, a major trauma in life like someone close to you dying, or a severe accident causing physical disability would be a good excuse, but otherwise, almost anyone can obtain the help they need to maintain their health and appearance.

Once again though, I believe when one loves onesself completely, self-maintainance is only natural, and inner peace makes one all that more beautiful. Again too, we can't keep comparing ourselves to stick people on runways. That's not reality, any more than Star Trek is!

Hi Suicideblonde...Just wanted to let you know I'm Australian:)

Yep, Suicideblonde I am oestrogen dominant so I have yo-yo'd my whole adult life between size 8 and size 16-18 and I know exactly what is to be very fat, and also how it feels to look like a model. My size changes every few years or so, and has since i was 16.

Stu has seen my weight change radically too......its no biggie. Its seems to freak out other people, but I'm used to these cycles. I just don't buy into the whole inferiority complex thing when I'm bigger, not do I think I'm special when I'm thinner.

Anyone who thinks being a bigger woman warrants an inferiority complex or makes them unlovable needs to spend a serious amunt of time in Asia or somewhere foreign. Its only the brainwashed west who think this way. The rest of the world...the bulk of the population on this planet....have different perceptions.

BellaD:o sorry, I knew it was Australian!!!! LOL Like telling me I am Canadian!

And yes, I do remember about your battles with weight, but still a 16-18 is not quite the same as a 26....esp. when one is only 5'3".

But you are correct about different countries having different perceptions of what is attractive. And I am going by the American's for the most part...so TRUCE, ok???:D

Giggle....truce:)

Ok I'll let you know when I'm a blimp if Stu has anything to say about it:)

BTW NZ people have funny accents, so I had to clear that up. Of course we Aussies sound perfect (cough):)

Great thread, SB! WoWzie :D And if it takes motivation to finally have self acceptance to fully enjoy & feel rapture in relationships w/ym or om, let us not forget that it also effects our over all health, in all areas. Without health & well being we really don't have much and that is the very foundation for other things to exist upon.

Just have to share...In some training I am involved in currently, I was stunned to hear the women trainers calling each other or about themselves 'old this & that'...said in jest I imagine, but it got tiresome when it went on & on. Kind of made me feel pity for them and really could see they were physically manifesting the very thing they believed in & I had to remind myself that this was their personal reality/belief system. I looked around and I think lot of us thought 'is this really necessary to hear...where is the relevancy of this negativity?'.

So, frankly, SB...this thread was quite uplifting and positive...and SO refreshing not reading the wounded to elicit sympathy or compassion...or even blaming others for one's own happiness...like those others are better & we are nothing. We are something, We are grand, as We Create this Sacred Geometry of Love in the Universe to thrive & Enjoy! rather than simply to survive.

:)

This thread is GREAT, SB! I think about more and more things as more people reply. It gets me to think about something that I have thought about because I am a singer/musician/performer. Things are getting a little better in terms of the media. I see more mature women than ever before in TV, films, new etc. that didn't exist even a decade ago, although the balance in that category of men vs. women is seriously lop-sided. But there is a lot of bias in the entertainment field against females based on age and appearance.

But even in the more local performance world...I rarely see mature women at the open mikes I go to, I'm usually the oldest the woman who is performing (except for piano bar type places where there could be some older woman singing old jazz tunes, things like that)...but rarely do you see an older woman playing guitar, singing folk, rock, etc. There are more men in general doing this sort of thing than women, regardless of age, but I do see a lot of older men (40+) doing this regularly...performing in bands, etc. And I know that a lot of women 40+ think they are "too old" to be doing this sort of thing, but it's "okay" for them to sing Ella Fitzgerald tunes (I love those tunes too...but my point...)...this logic is really ridiculous.

I also take violin lessons and I asked my violin teacher, who is a Russian lady I'm guessing in her 50s, if she'd like to come and play at one of the open mikes. She actually enjoys trying new things like this, but she says, "Oh, I don't know...aren't those places just for young people? And I told her no. There are people of various ages there...and it's not like she's 80! Maybe because of the cultural difference, but I think there are a lot of mature woman out there who have that feeling that they shouldn't be seen in public in certain places. Like they should stay invisible.

Which further makes me think of OW/YM relationships that are "in the closet". Whereas really that's quite rare I think in YW/OM...if anything, the OM wants to boast to others by wearing her on his arm. I think this is slowly changing as OW/YM relationships become "hip". But what bothers me is that many of us women have such self-hate, where we thing being an older woman and looking older is a bad thing, and we should be apologizing for it, when actually there are many people, including men, who find mature women...who look their age...beautiful and sexy.

I feel mature women in all fields, especially fields where there is maximum exposure, need to risk "exposure" and possible criticism for things to change. While I think it's important to keep in shape and I am a very health-conscious myself, I've decided that I am NOT going to be a fanatic and try to look like I did when I was 21. That's crazy. I'm not overweight. I'm 5'4" and weigh 140. But it is the heaviest I've ever been and it definitely is much harder to lose weight now. But I exercise, eat right, and all that. But I refuse to try and get some ridiculously hard body and think that's the only way I can keep any man, let alone a YM.

BTW, my YM friend (27) and I (47) performed at open mike earlier this week, and I love that he has no qualms about performing with me! He thinks we should do this at least once a week...and we're going to another place this weekend. He wants to get photos of us this time so he can send them to some members of his family! I'm thinking this YM is definitely worth considering for further developments--I like the way he thinks! It's so refreshing after being descriminated against in my late 30s by older male band leaders who thought I was too old. It didn't matter if I could sing way better, they wanted some 20 year old in a skintight mini-skirt! Who needs them!? It's so much better when you take control of your own destiny. :D

Shame, isn't it. Such talent not to be shared (ei: your teacher) or anything else for that matter. :( We all have 'gifts' to share.

Self deprecating is a common theme among women, regardless of age it seems. Where it stems from has been discussed tiresomely on this site, however, finally the 'tide is changing' and I think to have a responsibility to do our part (I used the term Universe earlier) to rise up from societies impropriety that has molded thoughts of women or about women is so necessary...and very reason why I enjoy this thread! Like a burst of sunsine! :D


...but I think there are a lot of mature woman out there who have that feeling that they shouldn't be seen in public in certain places. Like they should stay invisible.

Way to go Rosebud! I think what you are doing is MARVELOUS!!!! I have really come to resent it when people tell me I cannot do something due to my age, and in the past, I would have listened to them! But not any more, that is for dang sure! When I was in Serbia, I was the oldest female in the clubs, and my friends go a kick out of it saying I was just really 35!:D I am glad to see that you are doing what you want to do now at this stage of life as well. When I think back, though, it was like this for many of us. Look at the models who literally were all washed up when they basically hit 30 or thought they were until recently! NOW they are cover girls again...who would have thought! (BUT I do wish they would not be air brushed so much!!!) It is like we older women are in a type of "second coming"!:D

And Raven... love your take on all of this!

when it comes to age gap relationships. And I am talking about "older women" who are 40+ (and not just the "older one" in the relationship). The media has/had made us insecure, for the most part, even when we were younger as they had us believing that "youth and beauty" are synonymous. But finally this is slowly being discounted with the Dove ads which shows beauty at every age. However, even though those ads are a step in the right direction, they still do not quite help us with our insecurities when it comes to men, especially younger men. I have been a member here for a long time (was #681!), and one of the main concerns I have seen over the years for the most part is when female "newbies" join is "will he still love me when I'm 65~ (and he is 30,35,40,45, 50)" " when what I think we really mean is will he still be sexually attracted to me when I am that age?!" Peachy and Bubblee (who are in their 50's like me) seem not to have either of these insecurities, and in the decade below us, neither does Kittylane. I am sure there are others here as well who feel just as secure, but these three come to mind. Hence it is time that we try to look more positive on all of this like they do and drop the questioning negativity (which by the way, I do not see our older men counterparts saying, nor our younger men who come here, unless THEY are wondering if they will still love us...and to be honest, if they have to question it, this type of relationship is not for them).

But getting back to the main point, I know that I have just recently stopped verbally doubting as I realized that I was at times "driving away" the man who loved me by my comments, which I thought were realistic but in essence were really negative. Let me explain just a bit. My man (a true Serbian knight) is 29 years younger than I am, and we corresponded for a year before me met in person. The first day when I found out he was only 27, I forewarned him that I could be his mum. That did not deter him; when he saw my picture and we cammed it still did not deter him even as I pointed out wrinkles. All he said was that I was a beautifully mature woman. When we finally met, it was night and the lights were low; but at one time when I went into the bright kitchen and he looked at me, I thought to myself OH OH. As the night went on, I mentioned my age again, and he told me to stop it, for he saw me in the bright light, and he loved what he saw. I never mentioned my age again until he had to leave two weeks later. I am back in America and he has been gone now for almost six weeks; so to try to feel closer to him, I went back to read all our archived chat...and when I did, I was amazed the man is still loves me and wants only me! Since his job demands that he is gone a lot, when he would come back home and online to me, it would never fail that I WAS THE ONE to bring up MY AGE! :( And he would counter with angry emoticons or sometimes angry words telling me to stop it; yet I still did not get it! I sorta "got it" when we met and I could "feel" his love with every look and action during the time we were together, but this time after reading the archives, I really GOT IT!!!! :D (But also that his godfather keeps telling me that he has never seen Nikola like this before over a woman...so one point for the American team!) HE loves me and I love him and that is that. ANd when he returns and when I am back in Serbia, you can believe me when I tell you that I will/am NOT going to bring up my age again. I am also not going to worry about what the future may hold, for worrying with self-doubt can tear apart what we have now. And truthfully I am more concerned about me being an American, for if he moves up the ladder in his profession, they may not look too kindly on that! Someone had written on a thread once awhile back that if we keep telling our ym that we are old and point out our flaws, he will then begin to notice...and I now believe that... almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So ladies, what I am trying to say is that we need to stop being our own worst enemy and just graciously and gratefully accept that we have someone who loves us; and that more than likely, we are the best thing that has ever happened to this man! :D

Regards...



Suicideblonde,

Reading though this wonderful piece you wrote, I cannot help but wish that I'd joined this web site earlier than I did so I'd have referred my OW to read what you wrote; but then, it's too late for that now- we broke up.

I'm a YM who has a stronger attraction to an OW's mind than anything else. The age gap which in some instances can be a barrier or an enhancing factor to the joys of being in such a relationship is an oft overlooked factor which packs a powerful punch! Sooner or later, the couple'd have to face the facts of their reality particularly in OW/YM situations. OW can then, truly be their own worst enemies or best allies. My personal experience in this department (OW/YM relationships-I'm the YM) will hopefully help someone ... anyone.

I was in a great relationship with an OW who's approximately 10 years older and it was filled with love and fun. We both wanted the same things it seemed- a long term relationship eventually leading to marriage and hopefully children- until she started thinking she wasn't "good enough" or "worthy" of the attention and love I gave her. And this, after we got over the issues about her body ( I saw NOTHING wrong with her body but she thought I was not telling her the truth). It lasted some two years and she was someone I really was in love with but she got so hung up on:

(1). My good looks and smarts which she said drew too many women to me (BTW I personally do not think I'm that good-looking)

(2). The level-headedness with which I handled the most volatile of issues and an ability to really listen and (according to her) "cut thru B.S."

(3). Thinking it was a matter of time before I left her for a younger woman

(4). Using two yardsticks to judge our actions: I always got beat over the head for honesty, sincerity and being open, whilst she hardly ever was open about how and what she really felt (in spite of showing her by example that being open and honest in a relationship is positive and strenghtens our relationship). She got particularly defensive whenever I asked her why she hardly answers any of my questions straight on without trying to tailor her response to suit what she felt I needed to hear or she'd completely change the topic and get mad once I try to bring her back to the unanswered question.

Eventually she started to seek attention from other men and eventually went out on a date with one, and maintained a long-distance relationship with another- without my knowledge. She claimed to feel secure in our relationship, yet acted out her feelings of insecurity. I really cared about her and I forgave her each of the times I found out what she'd done but when she continued the pattern, I chose to leave because I deserve better.

Please be upfront about things in your relationship and ensure also that you both want the same things (short and long term) so that you'd not start off on a shaky foundation. Communication is key and takes a while so lots of patience and dialogue will help.

Tactfully deal with the age issue and if you (OW) hear him say he has no problems with the age difference, kindly place a tombstone over the issue and move on to more constructive issues that'd build your relationship. Sticking with a sore point that's been already resolved makes it easier for you to miss out on more relevant issues that could spell doom for your relationship if not tackled appropriately or in a timely manner as the relationship progresses. Life's too short to be spent so wastefully.

Regarding the subject of "Open Mic" nights...

My brother used to roadie for a band in San Francisco called "Those Darned Accordians". They were a rock band with 2 or 3 (can't remember) accordian players, and they'd do stuff like Led Zeppelin, etc. They were GREAT to watch! :) Anyway, their singer was a tattoed covered 80-year-old guy! I swear! His name was Clyde. You wouldn't believe how many women would be hovering over him at the end of the night! :D A lot of times, he performed without his shirt on to show off his numerous, detailed tattoes. He had a great body for 80!

Anyway, just had to comment on that. Music is for anyone at any age, and it's a myth that only younger people should take the stage.

BTW, why is it that American Idol has an age limit of 29? I think that's ridiculous!

Thank you so much for adding to this thread, as that is exactly why I named it as such! I wish you had found us prior to your lady having her doubts an insecurities.

And I am glad that at your age you are able to say: "Life's too short to be spent so wastefully" as I just learned it recently and have come to realize that at certain times, I had wasted time... but rest assured, that will NOT happen again :D

Regards...

I was in a short OW/M relationship a couple of years ago and visited this site for a while back then. I haven't been on here since and was only reminded of it with an e-mail wishing me Happy Birthday (Thanks :-))

Since then my relationships have been with women a similar age to me (although I do still have a thing for older women)

I would say that even if woman are my age and not worrying about their own ageing, they are worrying about Size, Weight, Children, what friends or relatives think about them, their hair, shoes, the cat etc etc.

I am not making light of what you say I am just pointing out that looking back, most of the reasons for the relationship ending with the older woman are probably the same reasons relationships with younger woman my own age have ended, just in a slightly different form.

Maybe not worrying about the age gap but insecurity over me being taller or them not feeling as pretty as a previous girlfriend.

I would point out that I once went out with a girl my own age who was compatible in every way. However her parents were very rich and she had a far superior education to me.
I felt similar feelings as you mentioned, am I good enough ? Is she just having a fling ? Her friends didn't seem my type of people and I felt alien In their presence.
Even though I never said anything openly I would question all comments her friends made and see them as a put down so conversations about a holiday someone had would to me feel like them saying they had lots of money and I had none, even though it was nothing of the sort.
I was reading into situations things that were not there
Maybe I was trying to protect my feelings by preparing for the end right from the beginning. That way when it came I could console myself with the fact that I knew it wouldn't last really and was well prepared, but all it did was drag it quickly to an early conclusion.

My Point ? We ain`t that dissimilar, Old/Young, Men/Woman.
We all have insecurities just in different areas that's all.

I am not in any relationship right now and even though i`m perfectly happy and not looking, I do at times feel odd when I note that I am the only one of my friends who is currently single, why should I feel like that ?.

I've liked reading this thread a great deal. What I've brought away from it is that there are many women out there. like me, who are responsible for their own happiness. All they want is someone who will share life with them, not just exsist in life along side.

SuicideBlond, in your original post you said:
So ladies, what I am trying to say is that we need to stop being our own worst enemy and just graciously and gratefully accept that we have someone who loves us; and that more than likely, we are the best thing that has ever happened to this man!

I completely agree!! Like so many women, that little bit of insecurity creeps up. However, the YM I was involved with and continue to be friends with told me he had insecurities too. He said he worried if I would grow tired of him. He wondered if, as mature as he is, I would ever want companionship from someone who was equal in maturity to myself (his phrasing not mine). I think that the OW/YM relationship is, in the end, like so many. It takes work, there will be insecurities and takes mutual respect and committment to making it last. Daniel said, "My Point ? We ain`t that dissimilar, Old/Young, Men/Woman.
We all have insecurities just in different areas that's all. " I completely agree!

I also wanted to say something about the size issue that was brought up. I posted something close to this in a another thread but thought I'd comment here too. =) I've come to realize it may be all relative. I have some people refer to me as "fat" and other "full figured". I frankly, I don't care what they call me but it seems america loves labels. I am 5'3" and weigh about 180-190. Is that larger than "normal"? I don't know...probably. I am healthy, do lots of varied activities (Including shooting hoops with my teenaged sons when they visit), swim, love to go out, hike in the mountains, am capable of a healthy sex life and, according to my Dr., eat healthier and less than many of his "thin" patients. Do I look "bigger" than a lot of women...sure, probably. But then, I see women who are 4-6 sizes smaller than me who LOOK bigger because of how they carry themselves and what they wear. I suppose what I am trying to say is it takes all kinds. Yes, men are visual but what they (and women I believe in many ways) perceive as "sexy" or "beautiful" or "good looking" is drastically different from person to person. One of my favorite quotes is from Dr. Wayne Dyer. It is not a new idea but I love the way he has phrased it. It says:

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

My daughter is 17 and her boyfriend is 8 months younger. Not much but *shrug* They were laying on her bed watching tv one day, and she said, "Would you still love me if I was too big to fit on this bed?" (It's a queen) She then laughed. Very seriously, without hesitation, her boyfriend said, "I'd just get a bigger bed." THIS is the kind of man or even the kind of relationship I believe we all are looking for!! What is best about this, is he wasn't kidding. He adores her. She was a size 12 when they met 2 years ago but, due to some health issues, she is now a size 14/15. He tells her all the time how much he loves how she looks.

So there is my 12 cents. ;) As I said, I've loved reading this thread because, ultimately, it is positive and full of hope.

Thank you, everyone!!!
J.

I had a fantastic relationship with someone more than triple my age, and there were a thousand and one things I found attractive about her besides her body. If your man's a keeper, he'll do more than keep you ;)
She was diabetic, and there were other health issues, didn't stop us :D

Hope your day was everything you wanted it to be. Enjoy your trip around the sun!:)

I liked your post!

Wow Suicideblonde, you've said what I was thinking. How true though. It's difficult for us to think differently about our age as the media portrays us as old by promoting their products with youthful faces, bodies. I feel that way sometimes, insecure about whether or not he will love me when I get older, but...my bf says it does not matter, that he will always love me, so I guess I should just accept that fact and stop having self doubts. I do believe age does not matter if two people really care about one another, but at the same time the large age gap does scare me. Is there anyone else out there that feels this way? How do you overcome that?

Read thru the 'The Old Body Thing' post (sticky I believe) ... there lies your support & hopefully overcome your fear. It might help. :)

... but at the same time the large age gap does scare me. Is there anyone else out there that feels this way? How do you overcome that?

Raven, I am STILL waiting for the time when I look at your signature picture and DON'T laugh!!!

--------------------------------------------

Suicide Blonde, et al, I agree with the premise that we CAN be our own worst enemy and that we have to fight our tendency to put ourselves down, and I think that The Old Body Thread is the best weapon I've seen! One has to be a real hard-nose self-putter-downer to hold onto negative body images after reading it!

Everyone join me in a chorus of "You are Beautiful in every single way. Words can't bring you down." :D

We can enjoy love and/or attention when it comes to us or we can push it away because we are so sure that it will not last or we just can't believe that the admiration is sincere.

Raven, I did forget to mention you last time! I loved what you wrote: "We are something, We are grand, as We Create this Sacred Geometry of Love in the Universe to thrive & Enjoy! rather than simply to survive." as I think we are put on this earth to enjoy and not just to survive (albeit it seems like on come continents and countries that is all you can do... survive). BUT I would like to add one more idea here: We need to accept the place in time that we are now in, for that is what life is about; we cannot control time, nor should we feel remorse for our lost youth...as that has helped to make us who we are today. AND it is that person whom our ym love and adore (well, my guy tells me he "adores" me!:D )

Bluemoon, I said it before hence I will concur with you that only WE can make OURSELVES happy...and by that I mean a serene type of happiness, and not something fleeting. And having someone to share that happiness with of course would be like the icing on the cake! And yes like what you and Daniel both said, ym have insecurities, as do all people at some point in time. But from my experience, they tend to not dwell on them as much as some of us older women do; they question and can let it go. But many of us women question and question and question and cannot seem to let it go... hence the opposite occurs of what we really want. Instead of enjoying what we have, we become anxious about it and cannot enjoy it; even to the point of destroying it. That is the point I am trying to make.

As a side note: A few weeks have passed since I come to this "epiphany" and I have not once negated my new feelings. My man told me when we were chatting, that I would be the only woman and the last woman he wants to have sex with, and I just got warm all over and smiled and sent him a KISS. In the past I would have thought him to be unrealistic and not truthful, and probably would have snickered or belittled that comment. But now I realize to him at this point in time, he means it and ya know what? I believe him!!!! I cannot tell you all how much closer this makes me feel to him. So ladies...well... there it is~ :D

PS Chatterbox, you are right about the thread you began many years ago, "This old body thing". AND it is a MUST READ for all the older women here. And HEY! It may even immortalize you! :p

Regards....

Raven, I am STILL waiting for the time when I look at your signature picture and DON'T laugh!!!



It is funny . . . but I try to scroll past it fast . . . it makes me motion sick! :eek: If I'm going to see the landscape fly by that fast, I want to be on the ride! :D

Turbo, Daniel,

I think both of you make excellent points in your posts in this thread.. Definitely things to keep in mind no matter what age group the relationship falls into.

Daniel, I am single too and the only one of my friends that is as well.. I know what you mean about beng somewhat uncomfortable.. Personally, I think it's the 3rd wheel syndrome.. You know most of our ways of getting around this planet either revolve around a pair or two pairs.. not three's.. we're surrounded.. Oh well, thankfully it's not fatal!!:eek:

Rosebud, I have been finding inspiration in your posts here concerning playing music with your b/f. Rob has mentioned this to me in the past, and I've always felt that at 44 I was just past the accepted expiration date on that one, despite really loving the idea of it. So, thanks for your insights on this! I think I'd like to take him up on that in the future, once we're together for good.:)

Peaches...you are already on a ride. :p

And dear Chatterbox...keep on laughing! I need to remind myself of that too, so thanks for the reminder! :D

It is funny . . . but I try to scroll past it fast . . . it makes me motion sick! If I'm going to see the landscape fly by that fast, I want to be on the ride!


...I am STILL waiting for the time when I look at your signature picture and DON'T laugh!!!


And thank you SB...sometimes other folks who see us are better judges then we are ourselves. And I can only imagine your connection with this person now that you gained this new found wisdom, isn't it wonderfull!

Let me share one of the many quotes I enjoy from the book 'Illusions' ...

There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.

You seek problems because you need their gifts.

...Raven, I did forget to mention you last time! I loved what you wrote: "We are something, We are grand, as We Create this Sacred Geometry of Love in the Universe to thrive & Enjoy! rather than simply to survive." as I think we are put on this earth to enjoy and not just to survive (albeit it seems like on come continents and countries that is all you can do... survive). BUT I would like to add one more idea here: We need to accept the place in time that we are now in, for that is what life is about; we cannot control time, nor should we feel remorse for our lost youth...as that has helped to make us who we are today. AND it is that person whom our ym love and adore (well, my guy tells me he "adores" me!).

As a side note: A few weeks have passed since I come to this "epiphany" and I have not once negated my new feelings. My man told me when we were chatting, that I would be the only woman and the last woman he wants to have sex with, and I just got warm all over and smiled and sent him a KISS. In the past I would have thought him to be unrealistic and not truthful, and probably would have snickered or belittled that comment. But now I realize to him at this point in time, he means it and ya know what? I believe him!!!! I cannot tell you all how much closer this makes me feel to him. So ladies...well... there it is~

Thank you Suicideblonde for starting this thread. It is very timely for me and has gone some way to helping me tonight. :)

Thanks again
Dusky

xx


.[QUOTE=suicideblonde]Raven, I did forget to mention you last time! I loved what you wrote: "We are something, We are grand, as We Create this Sacred Geometry of Love in the Universe to thrive & Enjoy! rather than simply to survive." as I think we are put on this earth to enjoy and not just to survive (albeit it seems like on come continents and countries that is all you can do... survive). BUT I would like to add one more idea here: We need to accept the place in time that we are now in, for that is what life is about; we cannot control time, nor should we feel remorse for our lost youth...as that has helped to make us who we are today. AND it is that person whom our ym love and adore (well, my guy tells me he "adores" me!:D )

I agree with everything already said and would like to add something about stereotypes. The stereotype of the "middle-aged" woman is dumpy, frumpy, unkept and overweight. Daniel makes an excellent observation that I think people need to stop and think about: everyone worries about their attractiveness at some point in their lives. My nieces are teen-agers and constantly criticize their bodies. I am in my 40's and still wear a size 2. I am fit and athletic, still wear a bikini to the beach and young guys always tell me I'm hot. If you have in your mind that once you hit a certain age that it all falls apart, then maybe it will. We have to stop believing the things we are told and just accept our selves for who we are. My body is not perfect, but it is not much different than it was 20 years ago. Maybe it's that I take good care of myself or just genetics, I don't know, but I don't believe younger women are more beautiful than I am. Perception is everything.

Hi Blonde,
I want to thank you for writing your thoughts regarding this topic. I have some good "ammo" to show my girl (10 years older). When she talks about the age, I have to keep myself calm. Bravo to you and thanks again!
LouLot

Just a vent! The media keeps doing it to us. I'm looking at this Super Size Special of Glamour magazine. The feature is "Look and feel sexy at 20, 30, 40!" What happened to 50? 60? 70? :mad:

Good point & suspect this thread is more about us women who have suddenly decided enough is enough...and in the end, it is really what we have done to ourselves. We allowed to judge & criticize ourselves based on these preconceived notions and then others.

I keep away from any of that stuff because it is 'poison' and since our minds are so impressionable, why have it impressed with false images?

But there is more about getting beyond a certain age. I am mid 50 and I enjoy this time of my life, it is freeing. I look back 'whew, what a climb' as I scale the mountain of time, but when I surmount to the top I can see things so much clearer. It is almost like it was planned that way, a higher intention for us. To free us from those earthly chains that bound us.

My needs are different too. I don't need a guy to paw at me or try to look good in some bikini (I go raw anyway, privately tho)...but I do seek is honor, respect, courtesy, periodic companionship but that starts with ourselves...so to enjoy the whole gamut like a fine French dinner we have come to realize we are that French wine (although I think our California is pretty damn good :p ). Not slugging down a shot of tequila (quick sex or jumpin' into a relationship) but instead see what life truly is.

I think when a woman reaches 50 it is like no other age. When I was in my 40's this worried me but now that I am here I couldn't give a flying fart about it because what I received in return was far richer than anything I could possibly consider on my own.

There is a thread for women who don't feel good about themselves...think it is titled 'The Old Body Thing' by Chatterbox (sticky). After reading through that thread (it is like plowing through War & Peace w/ourselves...) we discover we ourselves are our worst enemies, so come here & celebrate in all our Glory! Because, dammit, we have been wasting a lot of precious time & moments. ;)




Just a vent! The media keeps doing it to us. I'm looking at this Super Size Special of Glamour magazine. The feature is "Look and feel sexy at 20, 30, 40!" What happened to 50? 60? 70? :mad:

Glad this helped you Dusky...and Lou, do send your woman to us!

LG, you are right about the old "stereotypes" but I think they are changing! Have you seen Spiegel magazine? For the past 3 years they have a real woman for each decade, 20 through 60 and they are NOT wearing the clothes my mom use to wear! :D Someone said in another thread (I think it was Mrs. Hedgehog?) that she and others should thank my generation (those in our 50's) for leading the way in many areas and looking younger is one of them. We are not afraid of plastic surgery; we tend to want to keep our skin looking better and KNOW we were wrong about sunbathing!; we tend to keep a more healthy, active, youthful and open attitude about life and change; and we DEFINITELY tend to dress abreast of today's style and what makes us feel confident and good, and this also goes for hairstyles. When I look at pictures of my mother at my age, I see someone who looks ten years older. When I turned 40 I vowed I would NEVER buy pants with an elastic waist nor shirts that were flowered or checked that buttoned down in the front. I would continue to wear high heels and keep my "style" but update it; AND I would never get that "old lady" hairdo that almost became a rite of passage into senior citizenship! Hence, with all of this said and due to us, women in their 40's and 30's will look younger longer as they now know what to do!!

And Rozie, I would not slam Galmour toooo much, as that is their target market. Our age is MORE, O, and AARP! :D (well the jr version as they have one mag for the uner 60 bunch and then another for the over, I do believe!)

And Raven, you are sooooo right about how I feel now that I am in my 50's! Having an empty nest was freeing, but that was just the beginning, as I had to free myself and look at what I WANTED TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE!!! The only thing that does make me sad, is that I am not abit younger so more of my dreams could be fulfilled. With that said gf, I had to chuckle, at one statement you made, as I am not sure if you mixed your metaphors or it is a CALI thing! And that is your comment about a "flying fart" as I have only heard it as a "flying fig"! :D

And one more personal comment, this realization that I made a few months ago has not left me, for even though my man and I will not be together until Jan., this is the first time EVER, that I have no doubts in my mind that he will cheat or leave me. I am at peace with myself and this relationship!

Regards....

And Rozie, I would not slam Galmour toooo much, as that is their target market. Our age is MORE, O, and AARP! (well the jr version as they have one mag for the uner 60 bunch and then another for the over, I do believe!)

Lol. My Glamour was a freebie subscription awarded for using Travelocity. Its good to figure out what to wear. I figure if Sheryl Crowe can wear it at 44, I can at 51, 61, 71....lol. Nope, come to think of it, if I'm wearing this stuff at 61, I will look "dated!" :eek:

I have more muscle tone than most 20 year olds I know (personally). But my skin isnt quite as "tight" as it was back then no matter what my fitness level is.

No matter what you do, you LOOK your age and only a fool would be, well, "fooled".. Unless you go to a really good surgeon like Demi Moore does..

The trick is not letting it looks like it bothers you when you in a class with these 20 somethings.. Heh.

I disagree a bit Seneca.... I think that if the women here who are in their 30's and 40's keep up with a good regime and even some "light" help when they are in their mod to late 40's before gravity and whatever else sets it, they will look younger longer....but but younger I do not mean they will look 20 something. I mean they will keep the look that they have longer; and way into their 50's!

I have a photo on my desk of my ym and a student finally noticed it and asked who it was. I told her is was my bf and she looked shocked for a moment and then commented that he looked young! But then smiled at me and said, "And you, Mrs. W, in your 40's, tsk, tsk." I just smiled as I am 57.

For me, if I were younger I would probably make wrong choices vs. now...currently I would be using this deliciously keen eye for quality choices because if younger I wouldn't know what end of the **** would be up but I would be damn sure I would think I did.

Flying fart may be a CA phrase, but I have always been known to screw up my American metaphors due to my language deficit...but if I were to say it in the NY way (have that part down pat I think), I can guarantee you it wouldn't be a flying fart (& would be censored here at AL). :cool:

... younger so more of my dreams could be fulfilled. With that said gf, I had to chuckle, at one statement you made, as I am not sure if you mixed your metaphors or it is a CALI thing! And that is your comment about a "flying fart" as I have only heard it as a "flying fig"!



((**ROFLMAO**)) You go Girl!!

Lol. My Glamour was a freebie subscription awarded for using Travelocity. Its good to figure out what to wear. I figure if Sheryl Crowe can wear it at 44, I can at 51, 61, 71....lol. Nope, come to think of it, if I'm wearing this stuff at 61, I will look "dated!"

Seneca....Actually some of the girls I see now (yes, I wear hip hugging tight jeans with my belly/inny showing) in their 20's have chunk! Altho here in CA having a curved figured regardless of age is rather noteworthy...we aren't all Hollywoodish. Men here like that skin & curve, Baby. :p

But you are right about feeling good when around these gals...actually, I have found them starring me up & down. I just smile and say Hello. :D

Oh, what a beautiful stage we play on isn't it. ;)

Let them think what they may...and have them eat their gluttonous hearts out as they wonder...then one fine day they will say 'ah, I had this magnificent teacher back in the day and she taught me what being an empowered woman was....'.


I have a photo on my desk of my ym and a student finally noticed it and asked who it was. I told her is was my bf and she looked shocked for a moment and then commented that he looked young! But then smiled at me and said, "And you, Mrs. W, in your 40's, tsk, tsk." I just smiled as I am 57.

Thank you, Suicideblonde, for this amazing thread.

I'm new to this forum, as I recently fell into a relationship with a YM, a real first for me. The 16 year AG had given me some sleepless nights, and it's incredible to find posts like this that address so many of the issues that I've been struggling with for the last two months. I've been wondering how many of the things that bother me are due to the age difference and how many are differences in our personalities, and it's now obvious to me that most are the same things that many of you here have gone/are going through. When he told me his age and I realized it was 10 years younger than I was prepared for, I asked him "Do you know how OLD I AM? 41!" His response was "That's perfect", and I didn't really believe him. I think I have indeed been my own worst enemy when he tells me that the age difference means nothing to him and when I've let it bother me so much. After reading through everyone's responses, I think I've finally convinced myself that it's my problem, not his, and I just have to let it go and enjoy who he is. :D
After all, he's the one who drives a Cadillac and I'm the one who rides a Yamaha R6!!! :rolleyes:

Thanks again to everyone here!!!

Cyn

This is an amazing thread and even though I'm not 40+, I don't have the same body as when I was 20 something, lol. I was concerned about it the first time we met but have since realized that he doesn't appear to see the flaws or if he does, he doesn't care. If anything, based on our interaction, he seems to....like it. ;)

But I am concerned about things in a few decades when I'm not this shape and he's in his prime. I'm going to try not to think about the future and enjoy the present!

excellent post indeed, and I think LADave said it best when he said if we wanted a younger woman, we would go out and get one. Remember ladies, that's why we are with you, YOU are what we want.

You ladies are AWESOME. I have learned so much about other women (and myself) in the last few days since I found this site.

I have a *huge* crush on a man seventeen years younger than myself and I am tickled to see that something is indeed possible. I have decided to stop daydreaming and take some actions that may slowly alter my future - like actually talking to the person and taking an interest in him when I see him. Its exciting to feel motivated about what may be possible - and yet, at the same time it seems so impossible, I am left chuckling to myself, WHAT IF? HA!.

I love all your openness - I feel I have some new wisdom tools in appreciating myself and being confident and sexy with myself despite such a large age difference. I have learned that self love is just as important at my age than when I was younger - and to glory in my 40 year old body instead of hate that I am getting older. When I was younger, I worried about my intelligence and others not taking me seriously. Now I worry about my attractiveness though there is no need. I see that my own fears and self-loathing are the thing that could actually HURT my relationships with ym, when they love me for who I am. How frustrating to see something beautiful in a person that they cannot see for themselves.

I quit the high tech rat race five years ago and put myself through graduate school to be a therapist, by being a bikini dancer and coctail waitress at a night club. I know! Crazy thing for a 35-40 year old - I worked with a lot of women much younger than myself. I learned so much about being kind, sweet and supportive to other women and standing in the face of admiration and lust from men without flinching or running away. While many twenty-something women felt the job hurt their self esteem - I thought - WOW - I am in my late thirties and men tell me I am hot! HA HA! For a girl who used to jump at any good looking man who told me I was beautiful - it has been quite a growth experience. I can bask in the admiration, and I don't have to do anything with it. Its part of the job and had made me a stronger person. I have been single for over a year and I love my time for myself...

Now I work at a place where there are a handful of 40 year old women and I marvel that a woman can make a living this way by being a sexy sensual self-expressed woman at 40. We often make more money than the younger girls because we can hold an intelligent and heartfelt conversation. I felt I was a "has been" at 34 - but now feel I am entering the second part of my life in a stronger place: mind, body and spirit. And with a grad degree that I will utilize until the day I die.

I enjoy all of you and your heartfelt, wise, honest and spirited writes. I wish you all lived in my neighborhood!

xoxo
Michelle

I grant you ladies your commence on this. when i was a younger man I was apprroached by OW and always fantasized about them. Now I am in my 40's and want to satifya 55 to 60 yro OW. Along with you gals too. Where does thatput me?

[FONT="Comic Sans MS"][FONT]] I just found this site the other day and you can not believe how happy it made me feel! (well.. actually I think you can as many of you have expressed the same). I felt this huge weight lift off my whole being. It's like I found my community!! Thank you all for being so open and for sharing your experiences and insights. You have helped me sooo much.

My man and I met on a beach in Mexico....and I know it sounds corny, but it's like he just dropped into my life out of the sky. I'll just share that, one day, while sitting happily alone on the beach (havng just come to peace with the prospect of never having a relationship ever again, and I mean REALLY coming to peace with it--I met this incredible YM. (so that you know where I'm coming from, I'm not someone who has been in a lot of relationships...tho' there's been some flings along the way, the last rel'ship before this was 19 yrs ago.....) We instantly connected and felt like we had known each other a very long time. Though when we shared our ages, I immediately thought and even said...well you could be my son and instantly felt like this was an impossibility.

It's now 7 months since that day and we are having a LDR and I have been back to visit him twice. The plan is for him to come here this spring, which seems like such a very long time to wait....So there's two challenges I work with--OW/YM and LDR. It hasn't been easy. But I have to say it's also been a lot of fun! And I'm learning so much about myself and relationships and life and love--which really has nothing at all to do with the AG.

It's so good to read all of your stories of struggling with our personal 'enemies' and those of the outside as well. Especially all the stuff about the aging body....this is one of my biggest demons right n ow. Like today, I couldn't stop myself looking in the mirror (you know..at all the different angles:o ) and checking just how much my skin is sagging under my chin!!! Seems to be changing so rapidly these days! And I'm in good shape...look 10 yrs younger etc etc. Not that that really matters though part of my psyche sure makes a point of making it matter!! :rolleyes: :( It's great to read both the OW and YM speak here about how not important that is when it comes to having a loving relationship. And ways to keep that demon in its place. It's been especially great to see that there are many others with an AG of 23 (and more) years. What a relief to not feel so alone and to not feel like I'm being 'weird' or 'wrong' to continue to be involved with this man that I've fallen in love with (and he with me). Though I still do have questions about it --they seem to come up when I move out of the moment and start worrying about some yet unknown future. So my challenge is to stay right here, with what's happening right now. Something he reminds me of often...it amazes me how much he feels like an old soul in a young body---how else can such a young person be so wise?

Well, that's all for now. I'll just keep reading the threads and getting inspired by you all. Thanks again!

thank god, there is a support group!!! i am 37 and my fiance is 24..we have a great relationship but i do worry about the future and will he still be attracted to me when i am 50 or 60. i try not to think or verbalize this too much now but rather live in the now..i can say he is wonderful and for the most part we are on the same page but there is always a snag here and there and then i smile to myself and think "what would demi do?"lol:) the main problem i am having is with his family, they were fine with everything ,so it seemed in the beginning but now they have a problem with us being together(almost 3 years into it) and it is driving me nuts. i am quite sure i dont desire their approval but i do desire their respect for our relationship and as a result i dont talk to either of them anymore,and we used to be very close before Rob asked me to marry him in january. well such is life....

This thread is great as I could not agree more. When I was 26, I met a lady in her late 40s and we fell for each other in a big way. We had seen each other for 6 months and I had not found out her real age, and I happened to mention this to her. From this point she basically froze me out, and despite me reassurances that I didn't care if she were a 100, I found no way of getting through to her. We had already professed our love for each other, so I was completely confused and surprised by the reaction. My point is that we guys don't care about the fact that there is an age gap, nor one may look older than the other, we love you for you and that is that.

I did the same when I first got together with my younger man....as he told me I was beautiful ... i thought... is this guy insane!!!!!!!!!!

25 yr diff and been living together for 4 years

he was so all about how beautiful I am etc.. ALL THE TIME

I of course stressed for way toooooo long.

Got over that crap.

I figured out that there are some people who need the sleekest new cars and some that appreciate the classics.

He loves my heart, brain and sense of humor.

I love being around people who are motivated and confident as well.

People who energize me.

I ticks me off that I spent so much time being sucked into media preferences.

I had to rewrite my own hard drive in my head and just believe that I am really as fun and cute (yes even with the lines on my face) as I should be seen as.

Do me and my ym have problems from time to time... yes. As all relationships do.

But there are no absolute perfect relationships that will for sure never end.

Everyone could ask many of the same questions...like... will this be forever.

We all come up with the same answer.. no guarentees.

Two people he same age, maybe, 20 years old can hook up and still not make it... maybe for different issues but love is a risk

putting your heart on the line is a risk.

It is sad that I spent so much time stressing myself about my "lines and imperfections" according to the media standards.

I love that he watches me while I sleep and is amazed by how beautiful I am.

Maybe these guys who hook up with us are deeper then the regular men of the world.

maybe they were looking for something better then what the media tells them is good.

COULD THEY BE SMARTER? Maybe these guys see all of us.

I have to think so. I think we are amazing. screw the perfect stereo types.

Even chicks who are 17 years old cannot compete with the perfection the media puts out there.

It is funny, but as the time gets closer to me moving to Beograd for 6 months (5 weeks from now!:eek: ) I seem to get more critical of my appearance and how it has changed since 6 months ago. Hence I come back here to re-read this thread so I do not 1. panic 2. say or do something negative and/or stupid.

I esp. liked what Vegas guy wrote and Jan with : "Maybe these guys who hook up with us are deeper then the regular men of the world. maybe they were looking for something better then what the media tells them is good." I think that my man is just this as I can remember when we first met, he had told me that for the first time he was looking for more than just a pretty face, no personality and who was envious of all but really had no life to call her own. Needless-to-say, I was pretty impressed by not only the sentiments but also the words due to English not being his first language, so that was what kinda "hooked me" into wanting to know more about him. But besides this, I thought it kinda ties into what Jan had said. I know when I tell him how proud I am of him, he tells me the same and confessed that he had never ever told a woman that before. SO maybe there is something beyond what we do see ourselves... BUT I know it will be hard for Nikola and me to be seen in public this go round, as we had only really only gone out once like on a date while I was there due to him having to leave after two weeks, but this is what he said in regards to this aspect and I am quoting a chat: Linda, yes it is very sticked up envirnoment here, and we must struggle with that and we will but we will do it together because i love u." So how much more can I ask in proof of his love? I would say, not much at all! :D

It was fun reading your post, since I am also leaving in about 5 weeks for Costa Rica for six months, to see how it is with my young man, and also have been obssessing more about how much I have aged since we met 2 years ago, and even over the recent months, tho we see each other every few weeks for a few days. My guy is getting the jitters, with my being so close to being there all the time... brings up the commitment fears (with him, getting in deep emotionally was always tied to disappointment, so there is a little bit to work through there!), and me too, with all the lifestyle changes and financial risks with such a move.

But I feel so proud of me for making the decision to take the risk, and following through. Whatever happens (and I am super optimistic), I know this was the right choice. If we don't pursue our fondest dreams, what do we have, right?

You are so right about pursuing our dreams. I do not want to die wondering: What if? I am just lucky that in my life stage now (meaning no more kids to raise) I am able to follow through. My friend's thought I was NUTS to just get up and go there for two weeks two years ago and having only "net friends", but I was lucky in that thay were the same on the net as they were in real life. BUT even though this is my third time there (and more than likely my last due to expense), I am still abit nervous as 6 months is a long time and it is far away! However, my biggest concern is HOW I am going to pack three seasons worth of clothes into two suitcases (well really not all my summer ones as my son will come Mother's Day and bring me most of them and take my winter ones back). At least you do not have that problem as they weather is fairly constant, right? But between that and all my shoes and boot and lotions and potions (which I cannot really get there due to BIG feet and my "special things" :D) I am like.... ok... you can do it! And I must confess that I think I can, as I am almost fully packed now! :D

But about you... will you stay there for the full six months or return home for a visit? And has your guy ever been here to visit you?

Yes, my packing job is soooo much easier without winter. Whenever I go north, even for a long weekend, I always feel like I am packing for six months, so I know what you mean. For me the complication is what I should bring to set up a household, since we will be renting. Last year I went with curtains and candles and stuff to make things homey when my YM and I rented a house for a few months (though I was just coming and going for short visits), so I think more about.... I can't live without a blender for my protein shakes. should I pay the $30 to buy another there, or bring mine.... and what about the protein powder itself? And all my vitamins? I am about to decide to just go there with the minimal amount, and just buy Costa Rican everything, even clothes, which are cheaper there. There is something appealing about leaving my old life here, and just starting all new there. (But if I would have to invest in winter clothes again, I would think twice...what can it cost to buy a couple of tank tops?) Another concern is my surfboard -- a budding habit, a bit unusual for a 49 year old. I will have to pack it, etc. And OMG, I just thought about all the inspirational books! I am the kind that has 8 open next to my bed at any given moment... can't leave those behind! Hey, I've got to get off this train of thought.. I go to this site to relieve anxieties, not feed them!

As for staying vs coming and going, in the last two years I have visited there more than once each month, so it would stand to reason that now I would be coming back each month, and my employees are expecting that. To be honest with you, though, I have a feeling that once I am there, coming back will be the last thing on my mind, and I will be big on finding ways to do it all remote -- internet and cell phone. I use gotomypc now to access the office computer, and i can use all the software and even type and print a letter for them to mail the next day, all from Costa Rica... and my text messaging works and my cell phone rings there without anyone having to dial more than the usual ten digits (cingular has this, you just have to call to set it up), so people in US can actually call me there who dont even know I am out of the country. So I guess, no, my preference would be to stay the whole time.

I also think I am experiencing already what happens to people when they first come to live in Miami -- everyone they knew from up north would love to come for a visit. It seems like I am already lining up a long chain of visitors -- it started small and seemed harmless, but I think I am creating a monster! Anyway, I guess your destination is remote enough that this might not happen.

I am proud of you, too, Suicide. It is very liberating, isn't it? I still can't believe it, and have no idea how i will make it work, but it is funny to be simultaneously anxious and still have no doubts about the decision itself. Congrats on the packing...I haven't started yet... and have a wonderful time with your young man!

Yes, my packing job is soooo much easier without winter. Whenever I go north, even for a long weekend, I always feel like I am packing for six months, so I know what you mean. For me the complication is what I should bring to set up a household, since we will be renting. Last year I went with curtains and candles and stuff to make things homey when my YM and I rented a house for a few months (though I was just coming and going for short visits), so I think more about.... I can't live without a blender for my protein shakes. should I pay the $30 to buy another there, or bring mine.... and what about the protein powder itself? And all my vitamins? I am about to decide to just go there with the minimal amount, and just buy Costa Rican everything, even clothes, which are cheaper there. There is something appealing about leaving my old life here, and just starting all new there. (But if I would have to invest in winter clothes again, I would think twice...what can it cost to buy a couple of tank tops?) Another concern is my surfboard -- a budding habit, a bit unusual for a 49 year old. I will have to pack it, etc. And OMG, I just thought about all the inspirational books! I am the kind that has 8 open next to my bed at any given moment... can't leave those behind! Hey, I've got to get off this train of thought.. I go to this site to relieve anxieties, not feed them!

As for staying vs coming and going, in the last two years I have visited there more than once each month, so it would stand to reason that now I would be coming back each month, and my employees are expecting that. To be honest with you, though, I have a feeling that once I am there, coming back will be the last thing on my mind, and I will be big on finding ways to do it all remote -- internet and cell phone. I use gotomypc now to access the office computer, and i can use all the software and even type and print a letter for them to mail the next day, all from Costa Rica... and my text messaging works and my cell phone rings there without anyone having to dial more than the usual ten digits (cingular has this, you just have to call to set it up), so people in US can actually call me there who dont even know I am out of the country. So I guess, no, my preference would be to stay the whole time.

I also think I am experiencing already what happens to people when they first come to live in Miami -- everyone they knew from up north would love to come for a visit. It seems like I am already lining up a long chain of visitors -- it started small and seemed harmless, but I think I am creating a monster! Anyway, I guess your destination is remote enough that this might not happen.

I am proud of you, too, Suicide. It is very liberating, isn't it? I still can't believe it, and have no idea how i will make it work, but it is funny to be simultaneously anxious and still have no doubts about the decision itself. Congrats on the packing...I haven't started yet... and have a wonderful time with your young man!

Findthemagic... first off, sounds like you have everything down pat! As for me, I have discovered that it is IMPOSSIBLE to pack six months worth of clothes and shoes/boots into 2 suitcases so I have to send a box ahead....grrrr... what a pain! I, too, need my meds and my fav scented candles and books PLUS Christmas gifts! I wish I could buy clothes there, but the clothes there are now really my "style" plus, it is hard to find my size (since MOST are toothpicks there!) Four days to go for me and am both excited but nervous too!:(

should I just keep my mouth shut?
My boyfriend and I have been in numerous fights about his wondering eye.
He is 11 years younger then me so I am already insecure enough. I always say things when he is looking at other woman and he gets really pissed.
He loves me and I know that he does so should I just keep my mouth shut?:confused:

Boy, what a wonderful realm of insight in every post here!
I needed to read this because I wear my insecurities on my sleeve
at times and my man, as beautiful and patient as he is, gets a bit annoyed
at how insecure I can get.
I can't help it and it's why I came here.
I need to know I'm not alone in how I am feeling and find a way to shed
these ridiculous issues I freak out about.

I don't want to ruin what he and I have.

Your only as old as you feel.. Change is always good..;)

I am 17 years older than the man that I am talking to, he was the one that found me, after communicating online for about a month he asked me for my phone number, so I gave it to him, upon speaking with him, I found him to be more mature, than that of my soon to be ex. With many calls day in and day out and many emails, he finally asked me to become his wife. I am not embarased about our age difference, I welcome it. Like he said age is only a number. He told me he had given up on women, after being hurt in the manner he has been hurt, but after seeing my photo, there was something about me made his heart stopped beating. I welcome him and I am going to enjoy my time with him, just like I enjoyed my time with men my age and older. One thing I made clear to him I will drop him like its hot if he ever does anything to hurt me, and the same rules applies to him like it did to the older men that I have been involved with. Although he's younger than I he's still an adult, and being an adult one should act and their behavior should be that of an adult. Age has nothing to do with it. As my late Father used to say to me. You are just like Elizabeth Taylor, and I simply said to him, Daddy I will keep searching until I find Mr. Right. I told my future husband I prayed to God to send me a good man, a man who would love himself, first so that he can be able to love me, I didn't ask the Lord to send me an old man, or a young man, he simply sent me a good man with all the qualitys that I asked for, the other things we can work on. When you find that special someone and its everything that you prayed for no matter what anyone thinks it does'nt matter, the only matter is that you're happy. And I am finally happy.:)

If you haven't met and spent time in person with each other then you could be making a serious mistake. I encourage you to start your own thread and get more feedback. Good luck to you. :)

Really glad to have stumbled upon this site. Speaking about image it's true what the feminists complained about right from the start: how the male-dominated world has made women catty to each other because it has made us women insecure about ourselves!