the most complicated situation ever

I'm 20 and she's 24. Things were so perfect, we were honest and open to each other, we listened to and understood each other, we supported each other, we both knew we were the ones we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with, and everything was just so sweet that we both couldn't believe we weren't dreaming. We were both strong christians and we believed strongly that God had a plan for us. I was her first and she was mine.

She has been VERY busy lately and stressed out. I knew from the start that I would sometimes give her extra pressure or "responsibility" by asking her stuff such as "why didn't you call me? (when she usually would)" and etc; Things that made her feel as if she had to please me or take care of me, which wasn't the case at all. I made it really clear I wanted her to have freedom and that even if she did do something for me just to cheer me up, I wouldn't want it as it wouldn't be true and from the heart. This is a part of the situation which I will mention later on.

She's an immigrant and her status here isn't settled yet and she has to go to court every year on July 18 to see if she can stay or not. So we got the idea at around July 18 about getting married if the court says she can't stay and we were both so excited and happy about it. We had been sure for a long time already and I made sure that she would get married even if there wasn't the July 18 case. But one day, I told her what my Mom said about it and she just broke up in tears and said she wanted to talk with my Mom. She cancelled her class and we talked about it.

It could be my Mom's harsh words and reminder about reality and how we're going to go off financially, but my girlfriend really lost hope after the talk. Perhaps what my Mom said was so convincing (it had to do with God's plan and obeying God if the court said no) that she changes her mind and says she'll just go back if the court says so. We made a new plan of marrying around a year after she goes back (if she goes back) and we were both emotional and glad.

The next night however, she sounded strange and kept saying "I don't know how to say it" whenever I wanted to see what she was feeling inside, and she asked me a weird question, "would you go crazy without me?" We talked for quite a while but that was the main point of our conversation that night.

The next night she asked me the shocking question that started it all: "Could we be best friends for a while?" She says she doesn't want any more of the pressure, responsibility, and she just doesn't want to think of anything anymore. What hurted even more was she said she felt like that for a long time and she said she was "lying" to herself in the past, telling herself that she could take it. It felt as if a whole chunk of our relationship had been fake. I felt cheated and hurt. We didn't really come to a conclusion and we ended the conversation. I decided to take it as if she had already taken action on her request and she didn't call me until the next day at around 3PM. During that time was the most painful time in my life. I didn't know how I could forgive her and all these questions raced through my head. I just wanted things to be like they were before. I still couldn't understand how she could change so rapidly and not seem a bit sad about it.

I told her that wasn't a way to solve the situation and that she changed way too suddenly; Things were so nice before we talked about it with my Mom. I told her that keeping our relationship was the best for both of us. It was as if I was begging for her to keep our relationship. I don't think it makes sense to simply deny our current state of relationship by simply slapping a "just friends" label on it because in reality, we still had feelings for each other. I couldn't be just her friend and see her right in front of me because that would be torture. I talked to her for a while and told her that I wouldn't give her any more pressure. She was pretty reluctant and I could tell she had many other thoughts too.

She also mentioned something about wishing I didn't have any expectations for her (such as possible marriage in the future) and she didn't want to have any for me either which I felt was even more akward. I told her that every relationship has some sort of expectation and even friends have it. To be my girlfriend without expectations of a girlfriend would simply be just a normal friend. She said she didn't want me to have any expectations because she doesn't want to disappoint me in the future but that sounded as if she had lost all the hope of marrying me in the future. I am guessing she doesn't want to have any because she doesn't want to give herself any more pressure to her already stressed out life.

The main point is she wanted to pause our relationship because she was too tired and I convinced her to not do that. Even if she is too tired, we could work things out, but she just suddenly gave me the request to pause our relationship. Now I am still wondering what made her change so quickly and radically. I at first felt that she had lost hope in our marriage. Then I thought she wanted to marry just for her status and that she is using the pressure thing as an excuse to cease our relationship which I think is highly unlikely considering how much I understand her and how much we've been through.

I just want to know what's going on with her. I was going through some of our old videos and everything was just so perfect. Why did she change so much so quickly?

I was going through some of our old videos and everything was just so perfect. Why did she change so much so quickly?

I don't know Sam, but a few ideas come to mind:

1. She wants to stay in the country, but she wants to be with someone affluent (ie shes a bit of a gold-digger)

2.She is terribly afraid of being hurt if she has to leave the country, and so she is attempting to avoid that pain by rejecting you first.

3. She just isn't into you, but she wants the attention and kindness.

I don't know her so I cannot judge for sure...

I also wanted to mention that I don't feel that it is good for you to go along with acting totally casual and saying that you have `no expectations', when its perfectly obvious that you care greatly for this woman and want a lot more than friendship. For starters, she can tell you are lying. It comes across as though you're just saying anything to keep her around, even if its not totally honest.

If you want her, its best to just say so and allow her to say `no' or `yes'. At least all your cards are on the table, and you don't have to put on an act.

You seem like a really nice person, and very loyal. If this woman doesn't see it or looking for a rich guy, its best to just let her go.....don't waste your time on people who want to use you without commitment. plenty of women would appreciate a man like you..you just need to find the right one.

We call it `sifting through the driftwood' around here.....it hurts, but sometimes its best to just move on and keep looking for the right person. don't get caught up in people who don't appreciate you..its their loss.

It sounds to me like some of your problems came to a head with the conversation your mom had with your gf. Interesting how your mom equates the courts decisions with Gods decisions. You can tell her for me, that this is not so: courts are not God. They are political and social entities. I get the feeling of overwhelming insecurity here, coming from you and your gf. No one seems to know what they want, but at least your gf is admitting she's havinig doubts. I personally believe that your Mom's negativity towards her cooled your gf's ardor for you, because she saw that she might not have your mom as a friend. Is it possible that your mother does not especially approve of this woman, or perhaps your seriousness with her at such a young age, and she's letting that show?

I think you are very young, and this really isn't an age gap problem, so much as a simple romantic one. You don't say whether or not you live in the family home, but I think if you are going to be an independent couple, you need to get your own digs and establish some financial security before you think about getting married.

Ali

I think you are very young, and this really isn't an age gap problem, so much as a simple romantic one. You don't say whether or not you live in the family home, but I think if you are going to be an independent couple, you need to get your own digs and establish some financial security before you think about getting married.

I agree with all of legallyblonde's post, but this in particular sums it up.

Trying to convince someone that they should be with you is also known as "acting desperate"....many of us OW have been there before and know that it never works, if just makes you look needy and pathetic in the end. So, let her go, with your blessings. Honor her request to separate. If you can't do the "friends-only" plan, be honest and tell her that, and then stop all contact. Many find this as the best way to move on with the least amount of strife, making a reunion in the future (if it were ever to happen) possible and healthier.

Mostly....at 20, you are very young to get married....thank her for voicing her concerns (as they were genuine); one day may look back and be grateful that she didn't allow you to make such an important/mature commitment at such a young age.

I know it hurts to go on the journey alone after being in love, but you will make it, Sam...and learn so much in the process, becoming an even better partner for either her in the future or another amazing woman!:)
Best,
Karen

I am sorry that you are going through such a difficult period in your life. I also think it has something to do with the talk with your Mom.

You said your Mom said some harsh words. Maybe your girlfriend expected you to take a stronger stand with your Mom.

I had that happen a long time ago. The guy was talking to his Mom about us getting married. He became such a whiner-butt with his Mom, that I lost respect for him. I am not saying that you were that way, but maybe something you said or did not say gave her second thoughts.

I also think you are too pushy. She feels the way she feels. Respect that and give her some space. Then come back in a week and talk some more and listen to what she is saying instead of trying to talk her out of it.

Good luck. I know it isn't easy... :(