Questioning myself on age...

I just turned 40, had my last relationship crash with the man needing a trip to the psych ward for the bi-polar problems that he hid, and now have had my sister fill out an online dating profile for me!!! (sounds like a movie...) So I'm on the dating site and I noticed that most of the men always put in their profile that they are interested in women who are younger than them... almost all of them do this, no matter what their ages!!! Stereotypically, this is accepted I suppose. I will admit that it bothers me. But then I have to take a closer look at the hypocrit I am being-- I have had many men show interest in me who are older than me, from a few to over 20 years. I am not attracted to men who look older than me. Why? I expect the younger men to be attracted to me, yet I don't give older men a chance. Even the men who are above and below my age are not attractive to me unless they look younger than they are.

Perhaps I need to visit the psych ward! I know I am probably missing out on some great relationship with some one that I am not giving a chance. Those women of you who are involved in age gap relationships with younger men-- have you always been attracted to younger men?

I am at this point considering celibacy for a while :)

I'm not sure I understand the issue.

You said that almost all the men you see on the dating site say they are interested in younger women. And that bothers you. You said it also makes you feel hypocritical because you yourself are interested in younger men.

That part I understand.

But, why can't everyone just be interested in who they are interested in? What is the issue there? You have tastes and preferences and so do other people. If you can accept that, I think the issue goes away. No?

Also, I don't think it's about "fairness," I think it's about preferences. If you like younger men, why do you feel you have to give older men "a chance?"

I like fish. I have never felt the need to give liver a chance.

Your preferences are your preferences and you are entitled to them. No need to feel guilty about that.

You shouldn't feel any more guilty about that then the men on the dating site should about their preference for younger women.

I've always felt that the closer people get to doing exactly what they feel, without guilt, the happier they will be. Unless something is illegal, or harmful to others, I think doing it is a beneficial thing (the hedonist movement of the 60s wasn't all wrong!).

And part of being able to enjoy this happiness is learning how to ignore the people who have problems with your preferences: no matter how many of them there are. There is always someone who is envious of your pleasure. F*** 'em.

roho...
I have a solid preference (attraction) to younger men....but like you (I think) it's NOT their chronological number, it's their younger "look and spirit" that I find attractive. What I mean is, I seem to gravitate toward men in their late 20's early 30's because they are so energetic (which matches me), playful, current-culture-savy, in shape/healthy, etc. I guess because I value these aspects (and live a similar lifestyle), I MATCH better with them than with a middle aged guy who's "given up" health-wise, is jaded/bitter, still only listens to The Doors because that was "when music was good" (old-thinker), or cares more about his portfolio than spending time with the woman he adores.

Here's the thing though.... I'm sure that because of my age, most of those guys you mention online with yw preferences wouldn't give me a second look! HOWEVER, I'd be worth it :p My point is this.... if I were single right now, I would be open to a guy up to about my age (not older though...I just can't do that for some reason).....IF he matched me with a youthful outlook, health, playfulness, spirituality, and kept himself looking great for his age. I know those kind of guys are out there (Trueheart and a bunch of other guys on the other side of the boards here for sure). The rub? It seems that the guys that are in their 40's that are the ones I could be attracted to....are attracted to younger women for the same reasons I'm attracted to younger men !!:eek: In other words, we might be a good match, but we're more open to finding it in a younger partner since the averages are better there.

I probably made no sense...but believe me, you aren't headed for a psych ward...as trueheart said, you just have a preference....so what!

Best,
Karen
P.S. I like the Doors....but I also like Damien Rice, The Chemical Brothers, Joss Stone, Dave Matthews, James Blunt, Coldplay, Black Eyed Peas, etc.

I think you should explore all possibilities and not put age into the equation at all. Isn't that what we are always saying here? Age is just a number? Why should it be an issue? You should be willing to meet and give anyone a chance and judge them on what they have to offer to a relationship. You never know who might come into your life and sweep you off your feet! :)

Specifically hunting for a younger man is why we are being labeled as cougars! :mad:

I added some more to my post above that I hope will be helpful. Please read it again if you are interested.

roho,
If you believe you should go to the psych ward than I should to! Cause I am also attracted to younger men. Men around my age just dont attract me one bit.
Ok, I could go with a Keanu Reaves who is 40 :D but he is still younger than me.
But I wouldnt feel much difference. But sheesh, I havent seen one man like him walking down the street so far lol

I side with TrueHeart here. I understand how you feel. I feel the same but who cares what others think and also dont you deserve happiness? While you are feeling torn between you're interest in younger men and the struggle of 'fitting the social form' you might just pass right beside someone that could make you happy.

Just my two cents :)
Faith47

Roho:

1. I agree with TrueHeart. Our preferences are our preferences. We shouldn't feel guilty because we find ourselves more attracted to a certain age range, body type, hair color, ethnicity, etc. We like what we like, and that's s'all right.

2. I have had to come to grips with my own double-standard, as well, in regard to men who prefer dating YW. First, I had to come to grips with the fact that I do enjoy dating/spending time with YM. Then, when I realized that I had a double-standard, I had to deal with that.

3. I meet very few men that I'm attracted to enough to consider going on a date with (not saying that I'm the only one - just sayin' to help make my point). These days, I almost never meet men my own age or older that I'm attracted to enough to go on a date with. Not never, but rarely. So, I would go on a date with a guy my own age or older. I don't ignore men my own age and/or older but I do now tend to focus a bit more on YM - only because I've accepted the fact that this is where my interests seem to be these days.




Specifically hunting for a younger man is why we are being labeled as cougars! :mad:


It's rare that I disagree with you, Peachy, but...

I'm not a cougar just because I have a personal preference for YM. 'We' are labeled cougars by ignoramuses because, well, 'they' are ignorant.

I don't 'hunt' younger men - just because they're my preference for dating at this time. Hunting does not equal 'interested in dating', in my opinion. Hunting is when someone is simply out looking for a piece of tail - again, in my opinion.

Bottomline is that I'm not going to worry for a second about whether someone thinks I'm a cougar because I like to date YM. Ignoramuses don't pay attention to the difference anyway so why would I care if they think I'm a cougar? I certainly take the time to 'correct' anyone who steps up and cracks a joke but all-in-all, 'their' opinion doesn't matter to me.

I've lost all sense of embarrassment about preferring to date YM. I'm not going to 'pretend' that I don't have a preference for YM. Just as I don't pretend that I don't have a preference for men with large frames, preferably with athletic builds, brains, jobs, and, if I'm super lucky, little glasses. ;)

At what age did you realize you were attracted to YM??

I was 46, separated and waiting for my divorce to become final, when I fell in love with a 34 yr old YM. The age gap bothered me, that's how I found this site, until I read the posts and threads here, then it was pretty obvious that 12 yrs is nothing to overcome.

I fell in love with his energy, his spirit, his face, everything about him. We had so much in common that we could finish each other's sentences.

Was this because he was a YM or was this because we found something in each other that we both needed at the time? Will I now be only attracted to YM?

I have asked myself this, over and over.

We are now not seeing each other because I have become my husband's caretaker during his illness. The divorce was put on hold and I had to let my YM go. It still hurts my heart to see those words typed but as you guys told me, it gets a little easier every day.


I guess what I am asking in a round about way is.....

Am I always going to be attracted to younger men now or was this my soul match and I messed it up?

When did you know that you were only attracted to younger men?

Well said SG :)
And about the stereotypes. Its not just with OW/YM. Of course this one touch us more as we are the concerned ones but there is also the OM/YM. Sometimes they are called 'old vicious man'. I've heared that before. People from different nationalities. Have you seen the movie 'Guess who's coming' with Ashton Kutcher. Another example there.
Another one that some people frown upon. There is also homosexuality. And I might forget a few other ones but those are the ones that comes to mind.
Unless we fit in the mold of what is expected of us in our society we will always be labelled no matter how honest we are about our intentions.

I agree with SG also. I've been divorced 4yrs now and still grapling with this issue myself. I find myself attracted to a certain energy level and open mindedness that seems to come packaged in younger guys 99% of the time. I don't "hunt" them down. I did date one 49yr old a while back that had the stamina of a 30yr old and looks to match, but he wound up ditching me to date the 20-30ish crowd. (shrugs)

Most of my romantic interests have been between 30-40; but nothing lasting has come of it. I started feeling like I was asking for this "serial dating rut" I seem to be in with my y/m preference, so I found myself going out with another older man recently.

He's 8yrs older (50) and so sweet to me. He'd do anything for me, desires me as I am (no upgrades needed)...... but guess what? It's been several dates now, and I can't find desire for him to save my life!

I like Trueheart's take on it. We like what we like....... why feel guilty for it? Why judge another for it? ...... in the end, it is what it is.

…I don't think it's about "fairness," I think it's about preferences. If you like younger men, why do you feel you have to give older men "a chance?"…Your preferences are your preferences and you are entitled to them. No need to feel guilty about that.

I've recently ventured into the world of cyber dating and I do understand the situation you're in. Having myself been attracted to someone considerably younger I don't waste my time condemning men my age for wanting younger women. By the same token if I see a 48 year old man who looks like he could be my father, I don't feel the need to apologize for not being attracted him. To give someone a "chance" out of our own sense of guilt at not wanting to appear "shallow" doesn't validate that person, it insults them.

I think TrueHeart has hit the nail on the head. No one should have to apologize for his/her preferences. Period.

Am I always going to be attracted to younger men now or was this my soul match and I messed it up?

When did you know that you were only attracted to younger men?

No intention of hijacking here, but I wanted to give you my personal answer, which may differ vastly from others (prooving that there's no hard and fast rule/answer to your question, munchkin:D ...but anyway)...

I never recognized an attraction for "much younger" men ever. Well, okay, in college I dated a guy 3 years younger...and my exhb was 6 months younger (hardly qualifying). But, after my first long term relationship with the ym I considered a soul-match (not sure I ascribe to "soul-mate"), my preference was solidified. After we broke up, I TRIED (really tried) to date only in my age range thinking, "okay, now I can get back to normal and leave behind that nonsense of being with a younger man!". Plus, since I was heartbroken at the breakup, I felt like I needed a relationship experience that was FAR away from the one that just ended. I put age-restrictions on the men I agreed to date/meet online, etc. to "protect" my best interest in avoiding younger men. I went out with about 6 different men in a year's time in the 40-50 group, and they were uncannily THE SAME !!!! Completely NOT playful like my ym (which was an unmatchable draw), fun, lighthearted, culture-current, empathetic, etc. I just could not consider any of them as more than a friend in the end.

Although my lower limit age-requirement was then set at 30, I found myself with a then-25 year old (thinking at first, "Oh no...here we go again!")

Another factor may be that anyone who even remotely reminds me of my exhb makes me cringe (has similar middle-aged man characteristics as he had)...so I think it's a combination of having an aversion to reminders of my exhb, and an attraction to the characteristic reminders of my exym that keep me drawn to ym.

I'm not sure the attraction-factor would ever change for me now....And I'm not fighting it any more! So there:p

SG . . . what I was trying to say is that if a women discounts all men who are older than a certain age, one of whom may be her true "solemate" (I use that term loosely, since I'm not sure there really is such a thing . . . but that's for another debate) then she is most definitely setting her sights on younger and to a lot of people today that equates to "hunting."

Let's face it, Joe and I have one of the larger gaps here, but I certainly wasn't looking for that. And I certainly am glad I did not discount him because of the age difference. I believe that we should not rule out any person based on their age. That's just my opinion. Because I think one of the hottest men out there is Sean Connery . . . and he is much older, and bald, and married . . . but oh, so sexy!!! :p

After all, we keep telling those coming to this site who are fretting about a large age gap that age doesn't matter . . . and then we go on to say that we prefer younger . . . sounds like talking out of both sides of our mouths to me. :confused:

I thought "cougar" meant wanting or HUNTING a YM for only sex?

I would never rule out anyone because of their age. However, :D I must admit I have a double standard where OM come in to it. Any guy more than 2 or 3 years older than me has a HIGH likely-hood of being dead in 10 years or less. :eek:

I have also seen the OM list YW as a necessary trait. They even put like 18-35, when they are 45! If they put 18-99, or 18-45, that is one thing, but to not even look at women their own age is sad.

I had a friend who dated through the newspaper Personals, years back. I asked her what she did if a guy stated he wanted someone younger than what she was. She said that she just ignored it and answered his ad anyway. She was 43 at the time and dating a 28 year old. :)

I had a friend who dated through the newspaper Personals, years back. I asked her what she did if a guy stated he wanted someone younger than what she was. She said that she just ignored it and answered his ad anyway. She was 43 at the time and dating a 28 year old. :)

I did this the other day and got a nice reality check when the man who was MY AGE told me I was too old for him. He was wanting to start a family (never had) and I didn't fit the bill. Ironic is that I CAN have children and have thought lately I'd like one more if I found someone to settle down with. It didn't help my ego out any, that's for sure. :rolleyes: It's because of guys like the one I mentioned, that I try not limit myself to any possibility. I think it's lame that he wouldn't even speak to me before deciding I wasn't good enough.

I did this the other day and got a nice reality check when the man who was MY AGE told me I was too old for him. He was wanting to start a family (never had) and I didn't fit the bill. Ironic is that I CAN have children and have thought lately I'd like one more if I found someone to settle down with. It didn't help my ego out any, that's for sure. :rolleyes: It's because of guys like the one I mentioned, that I try not limit myself to any possibility. I think it's lame that he wouldn't even speak to me before deciding I wasn't good enough.


As a man, I'll say that's the most myopic thing any man can say to a woman. There's something called tact and some people simply let that fall through the cracks since they don't even understand what it's used for. Unfortunately, such people exist. But hey, guess what? It's better he said that upfront 'cos he'd have caused you grief had both of you continued past the preliminaries; besides, a mature yet YM is what I pray you get to find- that's if you're still looking. BTW, you've got great taste in music:D .

Thanks all of you for the input... I think sometimes that I am the one who cages myself in more than anyone or anything else. My upbringing in an extremely conservative family, my small southern town, my job as a high school teacher-- all of these things help me to restrict my needs and wants. I have had several relationships with younger men, but I kept most of those separate from my home and family life... although I did share with my own 2 sons, who do support me in any decision I make. Many of my acquaintances did make reference to me "chasing" younger men, even though it was way off the mark.

You are all right-- I do acknowledge that I am attracted to younger men as a rule, and I should not be ashamed of it. I do think it has to do with outlook on life, energy level, common interests, etc. Of course, I have to agree about Sean Connery.... and I could add Harrison Ford and Kevin Costner, who are all older men and look great!

I need to take the advice given, and learn to just trust my instincts... whether they lead to younger or older, or another wonderful 40 year old, just like me :)

I think we are attracted to whomever, and it's a set of preferences that changes somewhat over our lifespan. I am pretty much interested in the same type of guy as always: educated, good sense of humor, good looking, I mean, aren't we all? Now, finding that mate is another story. His age is a number, and only an indicator, of whether or not we may have success.

Don't feel bad! If you like younger men right now, you do. In a few years you could find that younger men just don't work for you (that's what I did) and go for fellas nearer your age. Be okay with where you are now. There is a reason for it.

Ali

yellow rose made me laugh, yep being dead would certainly be a downer to a relationship.

oh gosh, i agree with peachy, the whole agegap thing is that age IS just a number. i do believe in soul mates and would not have turned down this ride i have had with Adam for all the tea in China. (showing my age with that last comment) i say things like that and it cracks Adam up.

forget about the guys on the internet, chances are if they were interested in a woman your exact age, you would not be interested in them.

its more important to find your happiness then to put an age label on it.

I too have a preference for younger men, and like SpecialK I dated younger men in college, but by fluke moreso as I went with the person and not the man. I ended up marrying one of those who was 5 years younger, and it nearly caused a scandal in the '70's! But after I divorced and began dating again at 50 (I waited until my kids were raised), I first thought I would date men my age or abit younger, and to be honest, that did NOT make it for me! First off, it was hard to find someone my age who WAS interested in a woman of THEIR age and second I was contacted too many times by older men (but you have to keep in mind that for them I WAS a YOUNGER WOMAN! :D ). which really depressed me as from what I could see, they LOOKED OLD, and I did not feel any attraction whatsoever. HENCE, no more dating sites (but that was years ago before this ow/ym thing was "out of the closet" so-to-speak). Whom I met, I met online or at the beach and I can now officially say that I do only prefer younger men who are in their late 20's up to possibly 40 (for all the reasons as stated above). But the problem lies in the fact that as I get older, the age gap get bigger, so I am sure I will need a "reality check" at some point in time! :p But as it stands now (and for the past 3 years) I seem to attract ym who are 28, as was my current man when we met.

We all do have our preferences and should not feel guilty about them like Trueheart stated. And like SG, I now too, understand what some of these older men felt like when they put in their ads that they only wanted a younger woman. All I know is that life is too short not to try to be happy.

Regards...

It isn't hard for me to understand why some women are interested in younger men.

If I were a woman, I myself probably wouldn't be physically attracted to at least 99% of the men my own age. And, for most people, physical attraction is important.

Although I THINK that it MAY become less important with age (I'm not sure about that part because I haven't experienced it myself yet ;) ).

Mega dittos to Trueheart! We like who we like, no more explanation needed!

I wanted to add though, that you should ask yourself WHY you're attracted to younger men. The reason is, if you met a same age or older man who possessed those qualities that you find attractive in younger men, would you consider giving him a chance?

I used to think I was "spoiled" for anyone else, that Robin was a God and I'd never be able to be attracted to a same age or older man.

We seperated for about 6 months, during which time I had a chance to reexamine that. During that time, I met men of all ages. I realized that older men have some attractive qualities too! (MONEY) :D I also met some older men who took my breath away. Unfortunately, they also came with too much emotional baggage, but they were definitely attractive people who were worthwhile getting to know.

What I would say to you is, don't limit yourself age wise. Don't feel the need to be "fair", but don't limit opportunities. Think about qualities you want in a man, and then set out to meet as many as possible. Go shopping. Just because someone's profile says he's forty-something doesn't mean he isn't a hottie and just what you were looking for.

If Robin and I ever break up (permanently) I will be open to all (legal) ages. I'm an equal opportunity lover! :D

I think it's pretty easy to figure out why older women would be attracted to younger men. After all, who wouldn't want a nice, buff, hard-bodied, energetic, non-tiring guy?? What I don't understand is what those same guys want with us "old" broads!! :eek: :confused: But, I'm not complainin' and I'm certainly not going to turn them away based on THEIR age. :p

What I would say to you is, don't limit yourself age wise. Don't feel the need to be "fair", but don't limit opportunities. Think about qualities you want in a man, and then set out to meet as many as possible. Go shopping. Just because someone's profile says he's forty-something doesn't mean he isn't a hottie and just what you were looking for.

If Robin and I ever break up (permanently) I will be open to all (legal) ages. I'm an equal opportunity lover! :D

THAT'S what I've been trying to say all along! You go Girl! :D

You know I love all the folks here but sometimes I wonder if we don't overthink things just a little..

It's very difficult not to like what you as a person are attracted too, male or female. I think most guys my age are interested in younger women mainly and I think the same of most women I know..

I was on the other end of that scale myself at one point.. At 18 I married a man of 37. We were married for 11 years. Now, would I consider that again at this age??? Well, to be completely truthful...maybe.. He'd have to be a heck of a guy. But to be truthful - would I marry guy 18-19 years younger at this point in my life??....maybe... but again he'd have to be a heck of a guy..

The point is, yes, I like to look at a buff body, etc. etc. just like everyone else. But being younger doesn't neccessarily mean that a guy has less emotional baggage, has less money, or has less alimony or child support payments, or in any way is "better" than an older guy. And the same holds true with women..

Maybe my point here is... there is a lot of sameness in the big pool of people. The wrapper is just a little different. The difference being the specific life experiences or lack thereof that makes up the individual.

So, if someone fits your expectations of what you want (and you are truthful with yourself on this point) why limit them because they are a little older or younger than you expect..

Am I making any sense?

what i dont get is the amount of approaches i get, or men just staring....that is really uncomfortable, its like they stare me down to make conversation, it just happened at the drug store, so its fresh in my head.

i dont think anyone noticed me in my thirties? i am pretty sure i was prettier then.

maybe old and crinkly is "IN".

i tell that to adam and he says, "shut up, your beautiful dummy."

i never felt beautiful, is it possible when we start to believe that we possibly are, we become more beautiful to the world? if my young husband thinks i am still the best unwrapped christmas present he has ever received, is it possible we are cutting ourselves short tremendously?

no disrespect to any young women out there, but i began to see the attraction that younger guys have with older women, i am beginning to GET it. we are so flippin critical that we cant see it ourselves.

last week i saw two women i think had 10 years on me and they were gorgeous,
both did have an air of confidence and you could see that they had their act together, they also had drop dead bodies. i heard myself say, "i wanna look like that!"

my stepmother is the same type of woman, getting older does not mean we have excuses to let ourselves go, its wonderful to see ladies who really keep it together.

[QUOTE]no disrespect to any young women out there, but i began to see the attraction that younger guys have with older women, i am beginning to GET it. we are so flippin critical that we cant see it ourselves.

Kittylane please explain to me here because I truly don't GET IT! I need help with this one.. Really.. I'm not being flip at all.. I really mean it..

last week i saw two women i think had 10 years on me and they were gorgeous,
both did have an air of confidence and you could see that they had their act together, they also had drop dead bodies. i heard myself say, "i wanna look like that!"

my stepmother is the same type of woman, getting older does not mean we have excuses to let ourselves go, its wonderful to see ladies who really keep it together.

Here, Here, kittylane! Agreat bit of wisdom again... It's also great to see guys who keep it together too! Whew! i have to say, i haven't seen abs on a guy like trueheart has in quite a while (in person anyway).. Kudos Trueheart!

well, i wanna tell you why is see the attraction and i am a bit nervous, cause, i dont want to seem like i think i am better than a younger woman.

ok, here goes, i notice i dont have the same stupid fights or arguements adam's friends have with their yw. i am alot more secure on many fronts, emotionally and financially, these two reasons can creat a more stable relationship.

i also dont play games, i am play-FUL, but pretty dead on with my wants and needs.

i am VERY excited about adam's future, i believe i am very supportive of his dreams. of course this has nothing to do with age, but because i have started my life and many things have already been established, its more like adam chose to join me.

by this i mean, the house is established, the lifestyle is established and i am in no way interested in any drama which could jeopardize what i have worked so hard for in my life. adam loves this, he loves the stability.

after so many years of not being loved, i am also very grateful for this moment, i have never thought the grass is greener on the other side, regarding another man. he needed someone who was gonna stand by his side no matter what.

many of these things have nothing to do with age, some young people are very wise, but for me, i had to learn the hard way, i may not have been born the most moral of people, but i have chosen to be a certain type of person because of my life experience.

i treasure this experience and honestly, i think he is beautiful, i appreciate his youth, it is gorgeous. i think everyone needs to be admired somewhat in a relationship, it may sound shallow but i find him a pleasure to just look at. he loves that i look at him like this.

there are a million reasons the ym/ow relationship works, it just makes sence to me now, thats what i meant by "I GET IT".