Depression

Hi All,
If you remember, I got married at 40 (I'm now 41) to my 23 yr old YM in January of 2005. We moved to another state in October, and there I had a miscarriage at 10 wks, where I hemmoraged and it was pretty traumatic.

We tried again successfully in January of this year and I'm now 7 months pregnant, and as far as the pregnancy goes, things are going fine. My husband is excited and eager to have a child with me (its a boy) and it will be our only one.

My problem is that my husband has changed quite a bit from when we met. For example, our first date was a 2 day backpack trip in 2003. The first summer we did a lot of peak bagging, hikes, and lots of driving adventures. We also went rock climbing together. He is from Mexico, and didn't have the traditional upbringing down there (his mother abandoned him when he was a baby to name one). When he came to the states, he made sure to do everything legally and had a lawyer for his papers, etc...Meanwhile, he met a nice couple who took him in and gave him a job (work permit). He spent 5 years with them and they taught him english, social skills, sent him to school, etc.., they were very influential. He now considers them his parents.

When I met him he was well mannered, intelligent, and very mature for his age.
He enjoyed doing all the things that I did. In fact, I pushed him harder with the exercise bit and never felt that we were at odds with our age differences, at least not in the beginning. I was just as strong physcially as him, if not more, and very adventurous. He could barely keep up with me. He looked older, I looked younger, and most people don't even realize we have such a large age difference.

A few years ago, he learned that his papers for a green card were going to be delayed another year or more, so we decided to get married, since we were going to plan the rest of our lives together anyway. To my family, at first it seemed like he was marrying me to get his green card. I must admit, the proposal wasn't very romantic. I have been single my whole life, and traveled a lot for my career. Marriage was always a difficult thought for me (I've debated whether I am just commitment shy, because I don't understand how others do it so easily).
Although scared, I decided to go for it at 40 yrs old. We had a nice, spontaneous ceremony. I do love him very much, but marriage, as I have said, has never been an easy part for me, especially when it involves such a large age gap challenge.

I could have gone either way with the baby issue, but decided this was my last opportunity, and if he wanted it too, then we should try. With moving to another state and leaving all our friends, he made a huge commitment to me to follow my career, and then going through a miscarriage.

My problem now is that he has a full time job (not the career that he eventually wants to go into), but he is not working toward this career now that he knows a child is coming, and he comes home and drinks about 3-6 beers every night.
Progressively over the last year or so, his drinking has become a problem for me.
First of all, I am no virgin to drinking myself, but of course I cannot drink anything and haven't drank anything during my pregnancy. I used to drink wine occasionally with him, but I have some alcoholics in my family, so I am always conscious of my drinking and doing in moderately. Just like many people, I sometimes over did it in my 20's, and my husband is now in his 20's. I gave him excuses for a while, until he began to get somewhat rude, arrogant and at times "mean" when he was drinking. If he goes past a certain point, his comments to me are thoughtless and hurtful, and he swears constantly.

This is not the intelligent, well read man I married when he is drinking. It upsets me greatly. I've had several talks with him, even some ultimatiums, but nothing will work. I think he believes I would never leave him. On the other hand, when the next morning comes, he is back to normal, and fairly pleasant to be around. He no longer hikes with me (he says I can't go that far) but I wish he would just hike a few miles with me--it would help my pregnancy. He has become a very selfish person (not that there wasn't a hint of it before, but not to this degree).
On a positive note, my parents have accepted him (I think before my Mom was very non-trusting of him because of his age and the green card) and he loves my parents. We went to visit them (they live far away) for the second time since we have met. He got along great with my Dad, and really seems to need family and close friends a great deal. He is very trustworthy, and his time is always accounted for. He is very handsome (could be a model, in fact) and women seem drawn to him, but I am for the most part not obsessive or jealous. Most of the women he attracts are older women---so I have to look out for them instead of the younger ones! I give him a long rope and don't hold him back except for the drinking. I also do all of the house cleaning and cooking, and he doesn't lift a finger to help. When the baby comes, he says that he'll do it "when he has to."
I have told him many times that he is taking advantage of my love and generousity, but he just gets defensive. He has not had enough life experiences to relate this relationship to. Most of his prior relationships were one night stands, or one month relationships. I don't think he has the maturity or growth to sometimes even have an intelligent discussion with me. Before, he seemed mature beyond his years---what happened? I guess it was that situation of "being on his best behavior" when he met me.

When he is drinking at night, it often results in an arguement and a crude remark from him, and then I get upset and cry all the next day. He doesn't understand the next day or think that he did anything wrong (probably because he can't remember) and I go into a deep depression for a day or two, and I realize that being pregnant doesn't help because of the hormones, so I know I am ultra sensitive right now. Whether drinking or not, he isn't very sensitive to my needs and seems very selfish now. He is no longer interested in rock climbing, hiking or any form of exercise, and his beautiful body is actually developing a "pot belly."
I feel that I am putting much more into the relationship--of which I have told him, but nothing sinks in. Often, he even keeps me up late at night just so he can have sex with me, and then I'm tired for work the next day because I'm pregnant and I've only gotten 6 hrs of sleep. One day I got so mad about the drinking that I drank a whole beer in front of him to get him upset (he knows drinking is not good during a pregnancy) but I am just trying to wake him up. Besides, his drinking habit I have calculated costs about an extra $150-200 a month, which we could be saving for the baby. We live in an expensive area, and his salary (which is low) and mine (which is average) will be barely enough to help with this new baby. I worry all the time about it (I write all the checks and do the budget). He gets tired of me complaining about the lack of money we have, so he often says he will get a second job (even if its two night a week, it would help) but he never follows up on it.

Do I just wait for him to grow up? He will not go to a counselor, and he even thinks this website is really stupid (He dislikes it when I am on here because he knows I am discussing our relationship). By the way, most of my life I have been in relationships with much older men, and disagree with most of the women here that it doesn't matter what age men are, they can all be mature or immature.
In my experience, the older men were much more mature, treated me like a goddess, and were responsible and sensitive to my needs. I sometimes think I was smarter about dating older men when I was younger, and I've just turned really stupid at 41.

S

So why did he marry you? Did you ask him flat out? It seems to me that he did what he needed to do to have you marry him, and now he's emotionally bailing out of the relationship.

If he refuses to go to a counselor, then YOU go by yourself and discuss your feelings with a professional and let them help you plan next steps for your emotional health.

Don't make excuses for him because of his age. It's crap. Your husband is a grown man and he took on the responsibility of a wife and a child to come.
If he's "eager to have a child" then use that as leverage to get him into counseling with you.

He's having his way with everything. No way I'd let any man "keep me up all night to have sex with me" if I were pregnant, working and tired. Susie, you need to draw on your strength and set some boundaries with your husband.

What would you tell your own best friend if her situation were like yours? It's time to be your own best friend and do what is right for you and the baby and let your husband deal.

Good luck and keep us posted. You deserve to be happy and enjoy the experience of having your first baby!

Best,
Bub

I've actually been tough on him in my responses, but none of it has seemed to help. I used to be a fairly reasonable person, but now I find myself getting so angry that sometimes I throw stuff at him or I give him the silent treatment for a whole day and I feel reduced to his level of maturity when I do this. I don't know what else to do besides throw him out.

On the other hand, I really don't believe he married me just to get his status.
He tells me he loves me almost every day (the only romantic thing he does) and I think he would be devastated if I ever left him. He wants to be near me all the time, and sometimes I think we almost spend too much time together when we could use a little breathing room (at least I do).

I think the main thing is that he treats me like I'm his mother or maid way too often and I don't know if this is a culture thing or not. I know that his other Hispanic friends work one or two jobs, but their wives stay home and have babies.
It is a different situation in our case.

We have enjoyed a good sex life even during the pregnancy, its just that there are times when I am too tired and he will press me, and I'll tell him that its too late and I won't get enough sleep, and he will pout if I don't go through with it when he really wants it. Of course, if he is dead tired, he goes right to sleep if I want it. He is just a selfish cad sometimes.

There are times when he knows that I am working hard all day (I often don't get home until 6:30 pm) and he will get home from work at 5 pm, and will have snacked on some chips already, and be waiting for me to cook dinner. Being pregnant, of course I am starving by 6:30 because I haven't eaten since 12:30, and sometimes I fantasize that he has dinner ready. He claims he doesn't know how to cook, but I've been willing to teach him, but he isn't eager. He knows how to make himself a sandwich and heat up a hot dog, etc. I have made him feel guilty about cooking dinner, so instead he'll tell me I don't have to cook anything, that he'll find something to eat or we will go out to eat. However, it doesn't solve the problem that I am starving and it would be nice for him to DO something for me when I get home. And then we spend money eating out instead of him cooking dinner for me because he got home early. Its very frustrating.
He doesn't even know how to barbeque or even want to learn, and I KNOW that his other hispanic buddies even know how to do that. They often shake their heads at him when he acts a certain way. I can understand the ladies staying home and doing everything for their husbands if they have 2 jobs, but in our situation is different.

With all this, I'm worried how much he will help with the baby. He says that he is willing to trade off at night for feedings with me and also is willing to change diapers. My brother, who has a wife and two kids, is shameless and doesn't help his wife at all or even help to disipline the kids. My husband has met him and thinks this is really bad of my brother, so maybe he will step up to the plate.
I have no idea how I'm going to do it if he doesn't.

I guess the best part is that I know he is going to love this child very much.
In fact, once he said that he was worried the child would love me more than him.
(Yes, he has many abandonment issues).

I think if I could cut out some of the alcohol, that would be one step in the right direction. Also, in regards to that, he said he was drinking and having fun now, because he knows he will have to get serious when the baby comes and will not have time for that. Great. :mad:

That's a tremendous amount of stressful life changes for both of you. Clearly, he hasn't developed good coping skills... whether that's because of his young age, it doesn't matter... the fact is, the drinking and other behaviors are hurting your relationship at a crucial time when you both should be focused on providing a healthy loving environment for your baby.

Bubbleee's advice is excellent... go to counseling yourself if he won't go. Maybe when he sees that you're taking that positive action, he'll come around and join you. But maybe not... don't have any expectations besides getting the professional help that YOU need.

Best wishes to you both.

I know this is an idiotic question, but I'm gonna ask anyways. Have you clearly and firmly told him what you want him to do and expect him to do? Have you directly said to him something like... "I'm pregnant and tired. I need you to cook dinner every night." If so, what is his response? The answer to "I don't know how to cook" is... "Learn because you are making dinner tomorrow night. This is a marriage. I do plenty for you (list em if necessary) and I fully expect for you to do for me too."

The reason I ask this is because I think a lot of ladies think a man should KNOW what we want and expect... afterall... we would KNOW what they want and expect... why can't they show us the same consideration? LOL cuz they are men? :cool:

My sister thinks that my husband is the most in touch, sensitive, helpful guy on the planet. She says he's so good that I have my very own wife! She means this as a compliment... because only a wife would be this good. However, Devon isn't psychic, he isn't extraordinarily excellent at anticipating my needs/wants and delivering. I'm just extraordinarily good at telling him EXACTLY what I want and because we love each other... we both want to do for each other.

Is it more romantic to walk in after a long day to candles on the table and mood music in the background without ever having to whisper a word? You bet... but it is just as satisfying to me to actually HAVE that by communicating clearly what I would like, then to whistfully look around my kitchen while I slave over dinner and he kicks back with a beer on the couch.

Now if you are clearly and firmly telling your partner what you expect and he's just refusing... then well I guess he is a cad and there is NO reason for you to expect things to change unless you do... but a guy failing to deliver on unknown or wishy-washy expectations is hardly a cad... so what is your situation?

Susie:
You have a series of problems in your marriage, but if both parties are willing, they can be solved. What I would advise at present would be for you to focus on your baby and in obtaining peace. I cannot stress enough that peace of mind is important for a pregnancy.

Try to avoid fights at all costs, try to rest as much as you can. If the house is falling to pieces because you cannot tidy it, so be it.

Try to save as much money as you can, cutting out as many expenses as possible.

Now it is not the time to try and change him. It is not even time to try and decide if your marriage will survive. Try and get support from friends and family. Maybe your doctor can write a note supporting how many hours of sleep you need and simple instructions like that.

I do not think it is necessarily cultural. My ex-hubby (hispanic) did not help with the baby when he was born, but some of my friends had very helpful partners. Also my bf (US) does not even know how to boil water, so being useless around the kitchen is not exclusive to Latin men. Your description of your husband reminds me of my ex husband, specially the sexual selfishness.

Try to meditate or pray or whatever activity soothes you. I wish you the best and hugz your way.

Susie,

I am so sorry you are going through so much. You are letting your husband get away with stuff you should not, and it is bringing you down to his level. It shows you love him a lot and he knows it and thus he is getting away with almost "murder" but do not let him.

Be firm, don't give ultimatums that you will no follow through, and take care of yourself and your baby, hey even if it means only cooking for you!

Also do not make excuses for him, such as being Hispanic, young, or the horrible upbringing he had. If he really wanted he could be the man you though he was! Bottom line here, it seems he does not want to step up to the plate, it seems you have made it too easy for him! Stop it now and take charge!

I wish you and your baby the best.

Marcy,
In answer to your question, I would describe our marriage to be very much like the movie "Break-up" with Jennifer Aniston. We had an arguement about household duties, I was mad at him all day, and then we went to see this movie together. It was hilarious. I think it made him realize that I wasn't the only woman out there like that, badgering him about household duties.

There is a part in there where Jennifer says to her boyfriend, "I just WANT you to want to clean the house." I know that I am often guilty of that. I want him to want to do something for me, and there have been a few times where he has---usually when he had the day off and I worked, I came home and the house was clean from top to bottom---so I know he is capable. In fact, when he sets his mind to it, he is a much better cleaner than I am. He can clean our bathroom like no man I've ever seen. But when I'm struggling or obviously stressed, he doesn't ask, "Can I help you with something, or is there something I can do?" etc.

So, yes, I have asked him directly, usually in the form of a list. I really don't leave him those "Honey do's" but several times I have written a note before I go to work that says, "Please dump the trash, put out the recycle and wash your dishes from breakfast." Most of the time, he actually responds pretty well to this and does it. And he has told me to ask him. Other times when I ask him, he gets irritated. For instance if its Sunday night and the trash has to go out for Monday morning and its already 8 pm, I start reminding him of it. He might be watching TV or on the internet, and if he is doing something, he gets irritated and defensive.
He'll say, "Can't you see I'm doing something right now---I'm in the middle of something." Usually I'll reply that I didn't mean right that second---but when he is finished with whatever else he is doing.

I have definitely tried to assign some duties to him since I do everything else---such as washing the cars, taking out the trash and recycle, mowing the lawn.
Since we have lived here, he has had to mow the lawn. Its not a large lawn, and takes only 45 minutes to do with a push mower. He complains constantly that I never help him with the lawn, on and on and on. One day I asked him if he was going to mow the lawn and he excitedly asked, "Are you going to help me?'
Reluctanlty I said "I guess so." Well, here I am, pregnant, its 90 degrees, and I'm out there at 7 months pushing the lawn mower around! I actually didn't mind (it was kind of fun the first time), but it made me really think at that point that my husband was lazy. I refuse to do it again because I feel this is his job. However, I have mentioned to him that when the baby comes, I would like him to have dinner ready for the baby and I (I'm staying home on maternity leave the first 3 months and taking the kid to work the next three months---and later--after 6 months, daycare) when we come home at least 1 or 2 a week. I told him that even if its hot dogs and instant mashed potatoes, right now I would be happy if he had dinner waiting for me. He agreed and realized he would have to do that, but that's when he said that he hasn't done anything yet because he feels he doesn't "have to" until the baby comes.

In the winter, we both commute to our jobs and his place didn't have a microwave. So I had to make him a sandwich and bag lunch each day. This got increasingly difficult each day that I got further along with my pregnancy. It was getting hard enough just to feed myself. I told him to make his own lunch. He never flat our refused, instead he went to work with nothing and sometimes ate barely nothing all day, or he would spend money by "buying" something, which frustrated me because we don't have the extra money for that.

I guess I will try to do the more direct approach by leaving "honey do" notes, although I hate feeling like his mother, telling him what do all the time. If the trashing is overflowing---then frigging dump it!! Argh!!! Maybe my expectations are too high. As far as the sex part goes and keeping me up late, together we wind up watching TV until 10 or 11 pm, and then he wants sex afterwards.
He falls right to sleep, and for me---well, it wakes me up and then takes me another hour to get back to sleep. Then I wind up with 6 hrs sleep. I've told him countless times that if he wants sex or if I do, we have to go to bed earlier.
Somehow, it never turns out that way. I used to suggest a quickie in the morning, and sometimes that works, but it depends on how he feels the next day (how much beer he has drank the night before--lol). It works for me in the morning better because I still get my sleep and a quickie in the morning before I go to work. He is still desiring me while pregnant, and at the same time, I feel more horny while pregnant (lucky or unlucky for me---I'm not sure!). But at the same time, I still need my sleep. We figure that we might as well take advantage of this because it ain't happin' for a while after the baby is born, and I'm fairly certain he has that one down in his thick head of his, otherwise I might have to write him a "honey do" note after the baby is born, "Sorry honey, no sex for 4-5 weeks! Good luck!"

Lately he has been able to come back to the house for lunch and make himself his own lunch---a step in the right direction---hurray!!! I sometimes feel like I am going to be raising two babies soon.

My girlfriend told me that whenever she has to ask her husband to do something, she has to ask him very nicely and sweet, and thank him profusely afterwards, and that seems to work. Great. I am definitely nice, but I don't mess around.
What is it with some of you guys??

I hear how you are struggling, but I do think you are falling into the romantic trap of hoping your mate will turn into some idealized version of a man... ie... he should want to, want to help me... he should know what I need...

You say that when you have asked him directly to do something he does usually respond to this. Why not continue telling him what you want? I know it would be nicer the other way, but at least you would be getting your needs met. I don't understand why you would have agreed to help him mow the lawn. You work yes? You are pregnant? You are providing the lion share of the financial support? Done. If my husband asked me to help him mow the lawn, I'd have asked him why he needed help. I'd have said well I'm working, I'm pregnant. It is hot out there. You are young, healthy and NOT pregnant... seems you could do this without my assistance. I would be happy to bring you cold water though. :p

It is hard to believe that someone who loves us would not want to keep us healthy and happy. Does he know how difficult it is for you to mow the lawn? How does he know? I don't assume someone knows... I make sure they do.

I don't think leaving a honey do list is directly telling your mate what you need to be happy. I'd sit his tush down and have a heart to heart. "I am pregnant. I am working. These are the things I am willing to contribute. These are the things I *need* you contribute so that I can be happy and healthy." I think its important for people to clearly communicate their expectations.

We have to assume one of two things... either our partners know what we want and need, but don't really give a crap about us or our partners don't really know... either way I think it is a lot harder for someone to ignore our needs when they are directly asked to meet them.

He flat out refused to make lunches? Then he'd be one hungry dude in my house. He'd go out and buy when you didn't agree as a couple about how money was going to be spent? Then he'd no longer have access to my money. He woke you up for sex after you had worked all day? He'd *NEVER* make that mistake twice in my bed. He'd have gotten the *Exact* opposite response he'd been hoping for...

Our actions are our responsibility. Nobody can make us do the things we don't want to do (barring our children held hostage in the other room). We choose to do them. If we choose to give up our inate power, then we can only blame ourselves for that. Expect more and you will be surprised how much more you get.

Thanks for your reply, Marcy.

You sound like how I used to be when I was dating! It seems that we put up with a lot more when we are married and we take advantage of each other more.
I didn't put up with any of this crap when I was single. I was notorious for ending relationships quickly if they didn't meet my expectations.

Once I made the commitment to marry, however, I of course wanted things to be blissful, which is a high expectation and I know I can't live up to it. I don't like to argue about petty things, even house cleaning, so maybe its my own fault.

I believe I'm a very good communicator and I have spoken and had heart to hearts with my husband many times before. Most of the time, he has so much pride that he just gets defensive, instead of saying he is sorry. Unless I really show that I'm very upset, he won't even apologize. Most of the time, I think he believes I've over reacted. He often can't understand what he did wrong even if I tell him. Perhaps because his emotions are not as sensitive as mine, he thinks that I am overreacting.

For instance, in the past he has forgotten my birthday and Valentines twice in a row---even when guys at work were telling him, "Hey, you'd better get your wife something," etc, even offering to help him find a present. I made my communication very clear with this one, and finally after several guilt trips, I made him realize that birthdays and showing expression or love on Valentines was important to me. He used to use the excuse that he "wasn't romantic" and I didn't let him get away with it. I told him that you didn't have to be romantic to show that you cared and thought about someone else. He finally got it.
One day he just brought roses and a card home out of the blue. I don't know if it will ever happen again, though. I don't think he will make the same mistake of forgetting my birthday again this summer, but who knows. I don't think he realizes how important these things are right now. He is just plain and simple arrogant and selfish the majority of the time.

I've also made it clear to him that I do not like to have sex with him late at night when I am tired, and when he is drunk. I have already told him that it turns me off, especially when he is drunk and being obnoxious. When we met, we both got a little sloshed together a few times and it was fun, but once we were married, it wasn't realistic to get drunk every night, nor was it healthy. He apparently, is in a different phase. When I told him the above, he said "Okay," but then the next night, preceded to do exactly that. Sometimes I tell him that he reminds me of a 15 year old, and he smiles and says, "Hey, did you know that I'm actually only 13? I lied."

I guess the good part is that we both have a sense of humor about things and neither one of us can carry our anger or hurt for very long. In fact, when I'm really upset with him, he is the first to ask me what is wrong, even though when I tell him, he doesn't think its his fault or that big of a deal.

I think its hard for me to stick to my guns because I usually get over these little depressions, arguements or problems in our marriage the next day, and I want things to be peaceful. But then they fall right back into the same place the next weekend.

On 4th of July, my husband and I went to the fireworks with one of my friends from work. He is actually a 25 yr old guy that I hired, who has done a great job for me and is very mature and responsible. There is absolutely no sexual interest there at all on either side, but we have become friends at work and able to express our personal lives. I confide in him about my relationship and he gives me the YM perspective. I can't help but wish sometimes that my husband were as mature as him. During the fireworks, my husband got drunk, so a couple sitting in chairs nearby began to look at him. He started swearing and yelling all kinds of awful cuss words directed at them, because he thought they were "looking" at him and being racist. I told him the next day that it had nothing to do with that, that he was being obnoxious and disrruptive, and that is why the couple was staring at him. My friend from work on the other hand, saw this coming (he has a degree in psychology) and did a very good job of distracting my drunk husband by saying, "Wow, look at the fireworks, etc", in a very gentle manner. It was so embarrassing. I work with this person daily, so when I describe my day to my husband, sometimes it often involves a mention of this person. If he is drinking, he gets jealous and says that I always talk about this guy. It is disappointing to see a man I work with every day who has more maturity and tact than my own husband.

I have actually never been to counseling in my life. There have been many times I have felt compelled to go, but then my stress, fears and problems have a way of clearing themselves up a few days later and then I feel that I can deal with it fine. I guess its my habit of always looking on the positive or optimistic side that stops me from going to counseling. Instead I seem to do a lot of writing and inner reflection, often calling friends to talk it out and then gradually I feel better. I don't know if it will solve the problems necessarily, but I do know that I have my limits. And there are limits to what I will put up with, and I feel that I have made it clear to my husband. However, my needs to feel loved and liked and to be generous can at times override how someone may treat me---but not for long.
The water is boiling on high right now, and if he doesn't help me to turn it down right now, it will spill over. And that's it.

I have actually never been to counseling in my life. There have been many times I have felt compelled to go, but then my stress, fears and problems have a way of clearing themselves up a few days later and then I feel that I can deal with it fine. I guess its my habit of always looking on the positive or optimistic side that stops me from going to counseling.

Again, I urge you to go and try counseling. Looking on the optimistic side is a great way to go in general, but your posts here show that you've got really BIG trouble now. Some professional guidance can help you look at the WHOLE picture with clarity.

Best wishes to you.

Again, I urge you to go and try counseling. Looking on the optimistic side is a great way to go in general, but your posts here show that you've got really BIG trouble now. Some professional guidance can help you look at the WHOLE picture with clarity.

Best wishes to you.

Yes, I urge you to go as well.

Susie, the book titled "How to Change Someone Else's Behavior" has never been written and never will be. The only option you have in this life is to change your own behavior. That's it. Counseling will help you set appropriate boundaries with your husband.

Marcy and I have very young men in our lives. Her gap is about 17 or 18 years, mine is like 33 or something. Both of our guys are younger than your husband and neither of us would put up with 1/10th of the stuff your guy is dishing out.
Phil would go hungry, too, if he didn't fix his own sandwich. He'd go naked if he didn't wash his own clothes, etc. Your guy has taken the upper hand in this relationship through a variety of means. It is SUPPOSED to be a partnership.

You sound like such a nice person and you're going to be a great mom. Get your expectations and boundaries straight before your little one is born! You deserve to enjoy your son.

Susie64, I believe that age is irrelevant if two people really get along, but....if an older woman marries a younger man, there is undoubtedly going to be some immaturity when it comes to her young man. Especially if the man is in his 20s because most men of that age have not fully matured yet, have not become the men they are supposed to be until at least in their 30s. It is taking a chance marrying someone much younger since you are more mature. I too have dated older men, I am 55, I have also dated men in their early 20s and there is a big difference in maturity levels. I also prefer the maturity level of older men, even though my present bf is much younger than me, he being 38, but his maturity level is not that of someone in their 20s, yet he still has some growing to do as well, doesn't everyone? I once considered marrying my bf who was 24 however, I thought about it and felt it was not a great idea even though I was just crazy about the guy, he treated me so well, was so kind, caring and loving, I decided we should just be friends. He has moved on, is with a woman close to his own age. Perhaps you and your husband should have just stayed at the friend level, however with a baby on board, things are now more complicated for you. I feel you should try counseling, to see where things go and then if things don't change, then you really have no other choice then to take a break from this relationship, and if that doesn't work, then you have to move on, raise the baby on your own. I hate to say that to you, but your man still sounds like a boy who is irresponsible, and you don't need an alcoholic in your life. He may get violent down the road. Think for a moment, are you happy at the present time with this man, do you really feel he is going to change, remember, life is short, you have to be happy with your decisions in life. If this man is not making you happy and you are crying all the time, then this is NOT the man for you. Sorry to be so blunt. I hate when people are hurting deep inside like you are, but the only way you are going to be truly happy is to dissolve your marriage if it is not working, after all other avenues have been explored to make your marriage better, then you will find someone who respects you, treats you well. If you just want someone so you are not lonely, then stay in your marriage, but I think you know what you have to do if all other avenues you have explored to make your marriage work have not done any good, and I know it will hurt for awhile. A baby can survive with just one parent, it happens everyday in this world. It may not be the best situation or solution, but remember, that baby will still have alot of love, that baby has grandparents and a great mom. It sounds like you are a very caring person. I usually believe in working on relationships, from what you have said, he just seems like the wrong guy for you. I recently dated a Mexican man before I met my present bf, he flew to Connecticut to meet me for our date, then I flew out to Michigan for another date, yeh, I was crazy like that. We were getting along great, he was younger than me too, but not as young as your husband, he was in his early 40s, divorced twice. I overlooked that part. We even looked at a house together in Michigan, were planning our lives together, he borrowed money from me while I was out there, $300 to help with his rent, yeh, sigh, said he'd pay me back when I got back home, and when I returned home, I had not heard from him in a week, then an email came from him saying he couldn't do the ltr thing with me, that he'd pay me back the money, he NEVER did. I'm not saying all Mexican men are bad news, but your man and my ex seem to have similar traits, where is that caring man we deserve? My new bf is a sweetie, and I wouldn't think twice about keeping him lol. We are not even married and he does the dishes for me everyday, cleans the house, helps with the laundry, makes sure I have food in the house, even empties the garbage lol. He is a keeper and truly loves me, would do anything for me. When is your baby due? If you want to wait it out 'til the baby comes, then sure, but if not, get yourself a good divorce attorney if things don't get better and get out while you can. There are alot of great men out there who just love children and would not mind if you have kids. You will meet Mr. Right, this sounds like Mr. Wrong to me. Good luck to you in whatever you decide. It's your decision in the end, just giving you some things to think on. It took me 15 years to realize I was with the wrong man, so I got divorced last year, but that's 15 years I feel I could have been with the right man, not 15 years I wasted totally, 'cause my husband treated me well, but 15 years I could have been with the love of my life and building a future together. I don't want to see you get into that same situation, to have regrets later on in your life. That is why I am saying to you what I have.

Susie... some posts are going to be hard to read... take what you want and leave the rest. A marriage is a serious and big commitment... bringing a child into it... even More serious and Bigger. I would think it was at least worth counseling.

Donde esta el noche la tortuga!! You women sure can pick 'em!!! :eek: :eek: :eek:


Mr. Honk Honk, I recommend you spend your time improving your Spanish, instead of being so rude. By the way your Spanish sentence made no sense.

Susie, I also stress counseling, but bear in mind you have 3 options:

1. Stay in the relationship, as is, make no changes and continue to feel miserable.

2. Stay in the relationship, and you change your attitude and accept the relationship for what it is, but be happy.

3. Get out of the relationship.

As you can see your 3 options involves decisions by you only. You husband will not change unless he wants to, that is the bottom line. No matter what you tell him, he will continue to do as he pleases. Remember you own yourself, you got the power to make the necessary changes within you, but do not count him in unless he is willing to change.

Good luck to you!

Yes, you have a few choices, you have to be strong enough to make the right choice which isn't always easy. You have everyone telling you this and that, but you should take the advice which will work for you and I wish you all the best.

Welcome to Ageless and congratulations on your pregnancy! You do have full plate that is for sure. Here are some things that jumped out at me as I was following your thread:


I confide in him about my relationship I think confiding in a guy about your relationship with your husband is not a good idea. It seems sort of disloyal to your husband to me. Confiding to us or a counselor is different. Plus do you really think it a good idea to bring your personal life into the work setting?

I think if I could cut out some of the alcoholWell, I tried everything for 14 years. Nothing worked. I do recommend that you try a few meetings at ALANON. It is for friends/family who are concerned about someone's drinking. You would find a lot of support and assistance on how to deal with your spouse's drinking.

Once I made the commitment to marry, however, I of course wanted things to be blissful, Were things EVER BLISSFUL? Did they suddenly change or gradually change?

When we met, we both got a little sloshed together a few times and it was fun, but once we were married, it wasn't realistic to get drunk every night,Why not (occasionally)??? I mean, when you are not pregnant of course. Does marriage mean no more fun? :confused:

but now I find myself getting so angry that sometimes I throw stuff at him or I give him the silent treatment for a whole day Both of these actions are very immature but I sure understand your frustration. I hope you will stop handling things this was as it will not be a good example for your child. Plus it does nothing but add to the problem.

I think a couple of things are going on.

I think your YM may be "subconsciously" rebelling against you because he feels like you are his mother. This can happen even in same-age relationships. It is easy to fall into that trap esp. with YM but they hate it. They will silently sabotage any direction you give them.

Many 20-somethings go through the "drinking" phase. Some end up alcoholics and some grow out of it. Be glad he isn't going out and drinking. I hope you WILL go to Alanon as they can help you deal with the problem. :)

I also think that YOU seeing a therapist would be really helpful for you during this difficult time in your life. Thank you for sharing your story. Feel free to PM me anytime. Take care of yourself and your "little one". ;)

I can't say a whole lot all these wise women have already said......but I'm going to reiterate about the alcohol issue...he's obviously got a dependency at this point, and for you to say "If think if I could cut some of the alcohol...." shows clearly that you have codependency issues.

Some of the things you've said seem like circumstances in your life are heading towards the edge......the edge of full blown alcoholism, the edge of violence, the edge of verbal and emotional abuse and sexual abuse. I hear you rationalizing all over the map, but the fact is that most of these issues will get WORSE after the baby is here and even more pressure is on.....unless you get some help.

Go for you, go for your child.