Am i Shallow?

Hi all, newb here. Ok i recently went on a blind date with a older women who i met on a dating website and chatted on the phone for about two months prior. But when we arranged i date and i met her for the first time she was unattractive and not the sort of looking women i would normally go for.
It was a shock at first but she did grow on me, i can never put a voice to a face so i pictured someone diffrent looking. But she did have a wicked personality which attracted me but when it came down to it:
(our first time sex together) i wasn't aroused at all!
But i really did like her just didn't like her looks that much and could only kiss her after i had a few beers! I remember her telling me why she didn't show her picture on the website because it brings out all the shallow people but i think it was because she wasn't that good looking.
Anyway she finished it because she said it wudn't work long term because she had a son my age and he would never accept it or some reasons i can't understand, even though she went on dates with me. But i feel she knew i wasn't attracted too her but i was attracted to her personality i really did like her just my body didn't lol. After i was thinking to myself im i shallow? is there something wrong with me? is it shallow to be attracted by female beauty and not be attracted to something not good looking.
Surely this is the way it is (nomal!) or is it just me? :confused:

I'd say it's a normal reaction. Personality is a must, but best to exchange pics before meeting IRL. Gotta be some sorta physical attraction or it'll be like a "I don't like you like that" deal. And end up being "let's just be friends!!" Ya dig?!! :cool:

no you are not shallow, i am pretty sure she knew this was not the real deal either and went along for the ride also.

i had a very serious relationship with someone i was not attracted to, on paper or however you lined up our likes and dislikes, we made sence.

we were the same age, ethic background, etc.

it was a disaster.

to this day, i cant imagine i went there? weird huh? but our whole relationship suffered, if you are not attracted to the person you are with, you are not going to seek out intimacy, you are gonna privately think you can do better, these are not good and healthy thoughts, you gotta be a bit ga-ga over a person to be able to make a serious committment.

i would chalk this up to experience, thats all.

Not shallow....just stupid! Why would you even bother to sleep with someone you weren't remotely attracted to? I wouldn't sleep with someone I wasn't aroused by....that's why God created porno and gave you a hand! You aren't expected to sleep with people who don't turn you on....geeeeez!!!

no i dont think stupid, sometimes we try to intellectulize love or attraction.

the head gets in the way of the heart (and i suppose other organs).

i think its a valid question, how important is attraction, we may think we are beyond just our physical selves but in reality we are not.

Sorry for the flippant response and I suppose the question of whether sex happens more because of the head or the heart is a valid one. My perspective here would be, if you have to intellectualize the relationship, its premature to be having sex. I also have to wonder about that handle, Hunterlaar! Sounds like you were on the prowl and slipped into this union out of sheer curiosity.

God created porn?!! I'll have to check on that!! :p

Not shallow....just stupid! Why would you even bother to sleep with someone you weren't remotely attracted to? I wouldn't sleep with someone I wasn't aroused by....that's why God created porno and gave you a hand! You aren't expected to sleep with people who don't turn you on....geeeeez!!!


I did have strong feelings for her and altough she didn't turn me on that much physically i felt attached to her from all the time we chatted on the phone, i really liked her and wanted too sleep with her although that was a disaster yes. Plus that was the first time i'v been with a OW and wanted to experience it, i guess.

We do need to connect with our partners emotionally and on some meta-physical level such as personality, but I think it is essential to also have a strong physical desire for our partners. If we don't have that, then we are cheating not only ourselves, but them too. Everyone deserves to be with someone who really wants them (and I mean want as in the hubba-hubba way ;)).

Hunter, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and you were the holder. Some people may find her attractive some others don't. However you proved a point I always like to debate. For most men, when it comes to sex, a woman is a woman, and sex it is just sex. I know a lot of men that sleep around with whoever is available at the time, if the are H*RNY. I had a male friend that he used to tell me that if he was not attracted to the woman, he would just put a pillow on her face (I guess closing the eyes would work as well) and fantasized......

So there!

And life keeps going besides what is attraction, what is chemistry? A look? A personality? A smell? A bla, bla, bla?

Hunter, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and you were the holder. Some people may find her attractive some others don't. However you proved a point I always like to debate. For most men, when it comes to sex, a woman is a woman, and sex it is just sex. I know a lot of men that sleep around with whoever is available at the time, if the are H*RNY. I had a male friend that he used to tell me that if he was not attracted to the woman, he would just put a pillow on her face (I guess closing the eyes would work as well) and fantasized......

So there!

And life keeps going besides what is attraction, what is chemistry? A look? A personality? A smell? A bla, bla, bla?


....so now i know why my x kept putting that pillow over my face:eek: sheesh, i thought he was trying to smother me.:D hehehe...

Yes, you're shallow, but then so are most of us guys (and if not MOST women, a whole lot of them). I tend to think there's got to be at least SOME physical chemistry for a relationship to get started (at least with most people), although once a relationship is well-established, there can be enough psychological chemistry going on that it can itself give rise to physical chemistry.

I do not think you are shallow. I do not think it is a matter of beauty either. There are many ugly people, male or female, that are sensual and sexy, and there are many gorgeous people that are blah in bed. If there is not chemistry there is no chemistry.

You don't sound shallow to me. You even tried to make yourself feel attracted to her because you liked her personality... I think that is the opposite of shallow. You can't make yourself feel something that just isn't there.

So now Hunter you have an even bigger dilemma, and that is that this experience may have soured you on the whole notion of being with an older woman! All I am suggesting is don't go there unless the head and the body are in synch. If they aren't its bound to be a disaster and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. :)

Jeez Annie are you in a bad mood today? LOL!

So now Hunter you have an even bigger dilemma, and that is that this experience may have soured you on the whole notion of being with an older woman! All I am suggesting is don't go there unless the head and the body are in synch. If they aren't its bound to be a disaster and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. :)



Well i havn't really got over the rejection part yet, it was very strange after the last nite we where together she was fine with me the next day but the day after i texted her asking how she was and then she replied saying she had a crap day, i didn't text her back within a hour cos i was busy she then texted saying i'v gone quite with my text and it was not working for her and for me to find someone else she blanked me but i managed to phone her the next day to ask what was wrong and she was very harsh with me and cruel like i ment nothing to her, and it was really hurtfull cos i did care about her but she only cared about herself and her son, i knew she was a tough women so guess it was my fault for letting myself het to attached to someone like that, i need abit of time before im going to start looking for a gf again i cant keep my feelings in i just hope the nxt older isn't harsh and tough like that with me/

I'd say your reaction was pretty normal, but that the relationship may have had some potential ..... I think it was just a case of not having a chance to let the relationship develop normally, and that there was too much pressure.

Because this was a date, you guys were both under pressure to make a lot of quick judgements about each other, and frankly when you meet someone new, theres not much to go on apart from looks and a bit of chit chat . It sounds like in only one night you got past some of your reservations regarding appearances, so you're hardly a superficial guy.

This story reminds me of a time I worked for wilderness society in my early 20's, and a Canadian guy, `S' came to work with us for a year. We really hit it off as friends and his intelligent, wicked sense of humour had me in stitches all the time...there was definately a chemistry between us.....I found myself looking forward to work just to hang out with him. But `S' had a face which was `extremely difficult to look at' and for a long time it didn't even cross my mind that I could like him romantically.

But i got to know him through work over many months, and I saw amazing things in him that you just can't find out on one date. For example, he was probably the most charismatic, passionate public speaker I've known...totally brilliant. And over time I learned a lot about his character and decision making processes, and I was humbled by his goodness and integrity as a man.

By the time I realised that I wanted him so badly I could die, it was too late...some other smarter woman had nabbed him. They married and lived happily ever after and meanwhile I chased self-obsessed good looking boys until my heart nearly broke.

Not saying this lady is someone special who you could love madly...I'm just saying there is no way of knowing. I know for sure if I'd met `S' on a date, I would never have seen the parts of him i grew to love.

Don't look for "older" look for "compatable."

Most successful relationships you read about here didn't start because the woman preferred younger men or vice versa.

My guy was simply attracted to me and pursued me - he knew I was probably older (didn't expect 13 years but oh well) and I had to take a lot of convincing to even date someone younger.

What finally convinced me was his persistance and the fact that I enjoyed my time with him in spite of myself LOL!

But definitely go for someone with whom you enjoy their company AND find attractive physically. Older is not better or worse, it's just incedental.

Wow, Bella_D, what a nice story. I wonder how many times this has happened and only realized later what a chance we gave up for something as superficial has a face.

Hunterlaar, it doesn't sound shallow to me if you called afterwards and asked how the OW was doing. It sounds like you cared and she just ended it.

First off, I do not think you are shallow at all.

Second, I have been trying to find a place to put this information that I got a few weeks ago and really, really believe to be true, and I think this may be the place :)

A dr. of psychology (who is also a spiritualist) told me my relationship with Nikola is such a solid one because we both "have maternal instincts" that are very strong towards each other. And of course I went WHAT!!!:eek: to myself, as I do not feel like his mom at all!! But she then went on to explain that by maternal she means "caring" and at times almost more than we care for ourselves, and when that happens, the love is strongest it can be. She went on saying that a relationship really should be comprised of four parts: the maternal (caring); sexual (physical); spiritual (connection) ; and pal (friendship) And in order to be successful, it has to have all four. BUT those that are the best and last the longest are the ones in which the maternal is on the forefront/first, as the others can fade /disappear and then the balance is no longer. I know that with my ex, I married due to the physical was so strong... and when that faded, so did my love for him.

So, if the physical was missing, then it was not meant to be perhaps.

I understand what the OP felt like... to a degree.

I once went on a couple of 'dates' with a girl, quite a few years ago now, and I didn't really find her attractive. BUT, I so wanted to have a gf that I put myself in a bit of a situation I didn't really want to be in... back at her place, for 'coffee'. :eek: I didn't 'go through with it', but I didn't come out of it very well, really quite embarassing.

I wonder how much you really just wanted a gf?

Btw, that girl wasn't particularly nice personality wise either. Silly me. :rolleyes:

Whether we admit it or not, we are all shallow when it comes to appearance. There has to be some physical attraction in a relationship. Since you have gone on dates, it sounds like there is something about her you really liked. As far as you having sex, that surprised me because you didn't find her appealing. Maybe you were both just playing to see what it would be like, and now maybe you will be just friends.

Whether we admit it or not, we are all shallow when it comes to appearance. There has to be some physical attraction in a relationship.

I do not believe that just because we are or are not attracted to someone, physically, or certain physical attributes, that it means that we're shallow.

I truly fail to see the chain of logic in that thought process.

It's all base, man...animalistic. Why would I try to convince myself to be attracted to physical attributes other than those that trigger my hormones without conscious thought? **LOL** To be politially correct???

To me, this falls along the same lines of trying to convince someone to be with me!

Gimme a big muscular beefcake of man any day! (re: physical attraction)

She went on saying that a relationship really should be comprised of four parts: the maternal (caring); sexual (physical); spiritual (connection) ; and pal (friendship) And in order to be successful, it has to have all four.

Yes!! This is EXACTLY what I've been saying for the past three years! Instead of the word "maternal," however, I say "nurturing." But yes -- nurturing, physical, spiritual, and... if you're not best buddies at the end of the day, ya got nuthin'

I don't think you're shallow my friend as much as I think you're dishonest - not just with the lady but with yourself.

I think the issue here is: what constitutes attraction? Obviously it isn't purely physical, since you say you were "attracted" to her personality. So then physical attraction really isn't all important, but to think we can set it aside isn't realistic either.

We all need to feel both attracted to AND attractive to the person we chose to be intimate with. No woman wants to feel that the man she's sleeping with is keeping his eyes closed so he doesn't have to get a glimpse of her. And believe me when I tell you women DO pick up on that, whether they ever say anything or not.

So if it's the "total package" you want why settle for less? Be true to yourself if to no one else. You're not doing the woman any favors but daning to have sex with her, and if you need it that badly…well…let's just say there are other things you can use besides another human being. Fortunately for this woman it seems she wasn't "that" into you. Just chalk it up to experience and move on.

Good luck to you. :)

Hi all, newb here. Ok i recently went on a blind date with a older women who i met on a dating website and chatted on the phone for about two months prior. But when we arranged i date and i met her for the first time she was unattractive and not the sort of looking women i would normally go for.
It was a shock at first but she did grow on me, i can never put a voice to a face so i pictured someone diffrent looking. But she did have a wicked personality which attracted me but when it came down to it:
(our first time sex together) i wasn't aroused at all!
But i really did like her just didn't like her looks that much and could only kiss her after i had a few beers! I remember her telling me why she didn't show her picture on the website because it brings out all the shallow people but i think it was because she wasn't that good looking.
Anyway she finished it because she said it wudn't work long term because she had a son my age and he would never accept it or some reasons i can't understand, even though she went on dates with me. But i feel she knew i wasn't attracted too her but i was attracted to her personality i really did like her just my body didn't lol. After i was thinking to myself im i shallow? is there something wrong with me? is it shallow to be attracted by female beauty and not be attracted to something not good looking.
Surely this is the way it is (nomal!) or is it just me? :confused:

Many people judge on looks. So it's not wrong to be shallow!:p ;)

There has to be some physical attraction if you want to date someone!

i actually think the poster sounds like a nice guy, we all make mistakes when it comes to love, if that were not so, we would meet one person, settle down and be happy ever after.

so, i suspect we change our minds many times when it comes to relationships.

i am sure i was ALOT older then him when i learned my lesson, that there has to be sexual attraction in order to make a relationship work.

i lived this disaster for 5 years, what a waste, it knocked the stuffing out of me.

i was always highly charged when it came to intimacy, the stupid games that got played because of the lack of attraction, really took a toll. i wasnt the one playing the games.... i was put on a strict starvation diet. it really messed with my confidence.

what i am trying to say is this, i agree totally with the 4 components to a successful relationship, anything short is asking for trouble.

i am best BUDS with adam, as unpopular as that may be, i have not met anyone that i enjoy more, i like "nice" he really is such a sweetheart. i admire this, kindness will knock you on your assets, it humbles me to be around him when i am ready to bite off someones head and spit down their neck and he on the other hand "communicates and gets his point across and HAS dialogue."

spirtually we are very connected, we grow tremendously when we are together and God is a BIG part of our existance and daily discussions.

sexually............ ITS GOOOOOD. and, so much freakin fun, we are very naughty.

and emotionally, we are there for each other.

intellectually, we both think the other is pretty smart.

i dont think any relationship starts out having all these qualities, i know we surely didnt, we had the best bud's thing down for a year prior, i believe that is why we dont argue as much as other couples who may have based their relationship just on attraction, we had developed a communication style long before we had sex. we also knew eachother pretty well, we both are experts on diffusing hot moments. (he is still better than me at this.)

if i had not lived thru the mistakes i have made in relationships, i would never know today what i really need.

i think the poster is learning the same way we all learn, i think its unrealistic to think we all start off with some inherited knowledge regarding relationships, it really does take time to figure all this out.

i go back to what i first said, i think he sounds like a nice guy and i hope he meets someone he is more compatible with, Good luck!!

I can so relate to this...... I have been on both sides of this fence and hate 'em both.

After the divorce 4yrs ago, I met someone that I clicked with on most levels, and he ended up living with me for 2yrs off/on. We loved each other, but he never wanted to have sex with me, or kiss me. Used every excuse tactic known to man to avoid it. In the end, he admitted he loved everything about me - but not physically attracted. When asked WHY he let it go that long, he said "I thought you'd grow on me in that sense." ....... It didn't happen.

Fast forward, next summer I'm dating a guy exclusively. We're enjoying each other's company and didn't push the sex part. When it happened, he distanced himself from me. When pushed he said the SAME THING!! He had hoped I grow on him re: sexual attraction; because he liked everything else. That was last summer.

Fast forward to today and now I sit on the OTHER SIDE of this issue. I met this local fella off the internet and started seeing him. He's 50 and I'm 41. He's not that hard on the eyes, but shows his age. Initially, I wasnt thinking "man I'd hit that!" BUT, our conversations are so enjoyable..... so I wanted to get to know him. Now I'm the one saying "maybe he'll grow on me! (to myself that is)"

No one wants to consider themselves shallow. I DO enjoy sitting close on the sofa watching movies, even touching affectionately with him. But when it comes down to it, his kiss makes pull away. It's so frustrating to find someone I click with in all areas; except sexual attraction. I have kept this to more friendship at the moment, but is it fair to him? I've told him I wasnt sure how I felt; and he's ok with the "one day at a time" deal.

Still...... I know it was crappy to be on the receiving end of this. Now karma has put me on other end to teach me a lesson. I keep thinking "he's a great guy, makes me think, makes me laugh, accepts me unconditionally...why don't I want him?!"

Anyways.... Life has an ironic way of showing us that nothing is as "black/white" as we like to think sometimes. Ya know?

I understand the original poster's agnst over this. All I can say is maybe we need to accept it's a necessary part of the equation (no matter what side your on) and not beat yourself up over it.

I made a long post on this thread, but it disappeared into cyberspace, so I'll try again.

Physical attraction is paramount in a romantic relationship. Physical attraction is also scientific. We can no more will ourselves to be attracted to someone than we can change the weather. It's programmed into us before birth.

Men, who are more visually stimulated than women, are attracted to symetry. A man looks for a woman with a symetrical face, full lips (which shows the absence of testosterone) and who is height/weight proportionate (which displays good health). The deal-breaker is her pheromones. If he smells her and her scent doesn't "gel" with him, the relationship won't last.

Women are attracted to men who appear strong (protectors) and financially stable (providers). They are attracted to a man whose DNA is very different from their own, ensuring the strength of the species. Again, this is decided when she smells him.

Have any of you ever been with someone you liked and thought was attractive, but for some reason they just didn't really turn you on? It was the pheromones.

The problem with online dating is, you can be mentally compatible, but there's absolutely no way of telling if you'll be physically attracted to eachother until you actually meet and smell eachother! LOL Hunter should have demanded recent pics of this woman, close ups, full body shots, everything. That's not being shallow. That's eliminating possible disappointment.

Live and learn, Hunter. Ask for pics FIRST!

Polly, I think you're right. It's not something you can WILL on yourself.

The guy I'm sort of seeing now is everything I claim to want in a man, but I cannot WILL MYSELF to want his tongue down my throat, LoL...... my brain says "you have a good catch here!"..... the primitive side of me says "next!"

It's so hard to find someone you feel compatible with these, so it's frustrating when the only thing lacking is that attraction. :(

A girlfriend said something I thought was applicable here. She said "when your partner's odd habits start to irritate you, or he's pissed you off..... the attraction is what helps gets you over it. If that isn't there, it's much harder to not let the little things bother you. It's part of the glue that binds us when all else is unsure."

I have to agree. I guess the big question, is some people think it can GROW ON YOU and others think it's either there or not there. I just keep thinking I'll wake up one day, and this guy will "smell different to me" as you put it.

I suspect the original poster felt similar.

If you ever question whether or not physical attraction is a major player in an overall relationship, think of this...

...would you have sex with your best friend of the same gender?

No?

Why not?

No sexual attraction? That's just gross? You don't "go that way?"

Well, it's the same thing with someone of the opposite sex.

Just because you get along really well with someone doesn't mean that you have to want to sleep with them - even if you are a man and she is a woman or vise versa.

I'll wake up one day, and this guy will "smell different to me"

Amiga buy him a bottle of your favorite men's cologne :D and see if that works! jajajajaja I am just kidding so you know that, but hey it may work, anyway! jajajaja

I have to be attracted (even if in other people's eyes he is ugly) to the physical appearance for me to take it a step further... Call me vain! jajajaja

And c'est la vie....

Oh no, this happens to all of us. I have known plenty of the nicest guys, and I just couldn't go out with them because I wasn't attracted. And of course, what I am attracted to is not necessarily what another person might be attracted to.

And yeah, there have been times I have asked myself, an I shallow? Because a man will seem perfectly wonderful, but I just didn't even want to try. But I definitely don't think it's shallow. Being attracted to your partner in every way is very important, and you certainly don't want to settle.

Don't feel bad...and I guess on some level, she probably had an idea you were not going to be attracted to her on a physical level, or she would have shared a photo.

I made a long post on this thread, but it disappeared into cyberspace, so I'll try again.

Physical attraction is paramount in a romantic relationship. Physical attraction is also scientific. We can no more will ourselves to be attracted to someone than we can change the weather. It's programmed into us before birth.

Men, who are more visually stimulated than women, are attracted to symetry. A man looks for a woman with a symetrical face, full lips (which shows the absence of testosterone) and who is height/weight proportionate (which displays good health). The deal-breaker is her pheromones. If he smells her and her scent doesn't "gel" with him, the relationship won't last.

Women are attracted to men who appear strong (protectors) and financially stable (providers). They are attracted to a man whose DNA is very different from their own, ensuring the strength of the species. Again, this is decided when she smells him.

Have any of you ever been with someone you liked and thought was attractive, but for some reason they just didn't really turn you on? It was the pheromones.

The problem with online dating is, you can be mentally compatible, but there's absolutely no way of telling if you'll be physically attracted to eachother until you actually meet and smell eachother! LOL Hunter should have demanded recent pics of this woman, close ups, full body shots, everything. That's not being shallow. That's eliminating possible disappointment.

Live and learn, Hunter. Ask for pics FIRST!


*That's not being shallow. That's eliminating possible disappointment.*
I agree, That was intresting thanx.

When i was on dates with her i (we) didn't care about what people thought about us and she didn't care about what people looked liked and neather do i.
I never judge people or look down on people by good/bad looks i think that is being shallow but i think altough i wasn't that turned on by her pysically i think it could of grew on me given the chance.
But we only met a couple of times and it was my first time dating someone who was alot older looking so it was a new experience for me.
But i just cannot be turned on by something that is not attractive no matter how good of personality they have.
I did ask her for pictures the first time we chatted but she told me she didn't have the means to give me a pic no web cam, camera ect plus she said showing a picture brings out all the shallow people...
If i would of asked for all them types of pictures, she would have thought i would of been looking for faults and i would of not got a date with her.
After we where intimate (which wasn't good) she said if i mess up it's over. Not sure why she said that but it made me feel low.. And when she ended it with me she said she doesn't want a discreet relationship and doesn't wan't to lie to her son even though we where dating for three months, but i wasn't sure if that was just a excuss because she could tell i wasn't turned on by her...

Don't feel bad...and I guess on some level, she probably had an idea you were not going to be attracted to her on a physical level, or she would have shared a photo.

Yea your right.

Hunter, when I first got onto the internet (and came here) back in January, 2000, I wasn't computer saavy enough to know how to post pics. I met friends here that I become pretty close to, and I wanted to share my pics with them, so I mailed pics via snail mail. If she had wanted to share pics with you, she could have mailed them. There's no excuse for someone not getting pics to you, and no, it's not shallow! Anyone with a good head on her shoulders would demand a pic from you as well. She would want to know whether or not she'd be attracted to you.

I forget who posted the remark that "If you're not attracted to your partner and they piss you off, the relationship won't last, because it's the physical attraction that gets you through that." How true! I can't tell you how many times Robin and I piss eachother off (on a daily basis) and if we didn't find eachother so irresistable, we'd both be long gone! I can't look in to his gorgeous green eyes, or touch his rock hard body, and stay mad. He can't let me walk by without "grabbing me" (I think you know where ;)) and he never stays mad either. It's an animal attraction, and it's necessary for a long-term relationship to survive.

It's interesting, because I've heard stories from old people about marrying someone they barely knew, or being in an arranged marriage, and these marriages did last, but they lasted out of necessity. Now, since we can all make our own money and support ourselves, relationships have to have more of a reason to last. Plus, we demand more out of them: compatibility, attraction, sexual desire, spiritual cohesiveness, and mutual nurturing. Everyone wants the whole kit-and-kaboodle or they don't want it at all, which is fine, but it makes for a much harder time finding "the one".

Not shallow....just stupid! Why would you even bother to sleep with someone you weren't remotely attracted to? I wouldn't sleep with someone I wasn't aroused by....that's why God created porno and gave you a hand! You aren't expected to sleep with people who don't turn you on....geeeeez!!!

Well to be fair I couldn't have sex with someone I wasn't physically attracted to.

But on some occasions, I've been attracted to people solely on their personality. At my workplace there's a woman who I don't really find physically attractive. She's not really my type. But she has a very warm, open and friendly personality which I find very attractive. I think she's married, but if she weren't I'd be tempted to declare my interest!

This is an exception to the rule though, since generally I have to be like a potential partner's looks AND personality together.

Hi all, newb here. Ok i recently went on a blind date with a older women who i met on a dating website and chatted on the phone for about two months prior. But when we arranged i date and i met her for the first time she was unattractive and not the sort of looking women i would normally go for.
It was a shock at first but she did grow on me, i can never put a voice to a face so i pictured someone diffrent looking. But she did have a wicked personality which attracted me but when it came down to it:
(our first time sex together) i wasn't aroused at all!
But i really did like her just didn't like her looks that much and could only kiss her after i had a few beers! I remember her telling me why she didn't show her picture on the website because it brings out all the shallow people but i think it was because she wasn't that good looking.
Anyway she finished it because she said it wudn't work long term because she had a son my age and he would never accept it or some reasons i can't understand, even though she went on dates with me. But i feel she knew i wasn't attracted too her but i was attracted to her personality i really did like her just my body didn't lol. After i was thinking to myself im i shallow? is there something wrong with me? is it shallow to be attracted by female beauty and not be attracted to something not good looking.
Surely this is the way it is (nomal!) or is it just me? :confused:

So you got laid, right? And you didn't like the way she looked? And she told you off anyway, right? It seems to me that this was a hookup and not worth writing or worrying about.

Ali

I think chemistry is chemistry. There is no way to manufacture it. If it's there, it's sublime...if it's not, it ain't going to show up.

You met someone who you clicked with emotionally, and when that was gone, you felt an emptiness, but both of you knew it wasn't going to work out. She just had more guts to call it off. You lived, you learned. Chalk it up to that.

So you got laid, right? And you didn't like the way she looked? And she told you off anyway, right? It seems to me that this was a hookup and not worth writing or worrying about.

Ali

Heh...on one level, Ali, you're right.

I don't know how old Hunter is but regardless of his age, if he was motivated by the experience to check-in with his value system, that's not only okay...it's commendable. We should all have experiences that trigger a check-in or check-up and maybe even a re-evaluation, if it seems appropriate.


P.S. - Love that sig line. :D

Sig line compliments of Andy Rooney! Only a guy could have written that, women are too busy worrying "does he like me" instead of asking themselves do they like the man.

Ali

hello hunterlaar - no i don't think you are shallow. i think you are a young man who was curious about what it would be like to have sex with an older woman. you met this one and forced yourself to have sex with her even though she didn't turn you on, because you wanted the experience. just realize that with everyone, older or younger, attraction is the key. you were not disappointed because she was older, you were disappointed because she didn't turn you on! i love younger men, but i will only sleep with the ones who attract me physically and for sure not all of them do. next time, make sure you feel the desire before you dive in - excuse the pun - :eek: ok??

women are too busy worrying "does he like me" instead of asking themselves do they like the man.

Ali


Aint that the truth!?!?
Most profound thing i've seen said in quite some time, kudos to you!!

So you got laid, right? And you didn't like the way she looked? And she told you off anyway, right? It seems to me that this was a hookup and not worth writing or worrying about.

Ali

yes yes yes i agree with you.
i did post a similar response but i deleted it as i was pi**ed off when i wrote it and it came out a little *ahem* mean. :rolleyes:

So you got laid, right? And you didn't like the way she looked? And she told you off anyway, right? It seems to me that this was a hookup and not worth writing or worrying about.

Ali


Well i worry about it now, evan though it is over, i'm stil getting over it and it's hard to do. I had strong feelings for her and she ended it and threw them back in my face and i don't know why, like it all ment nothing that hurt deeply, i am a hard person but i'm young 22 and she was 43 but the way she just ended it like a blink of a eye was a big shock for me to take that's all. :( i wasn't looking just to get laid.

I think I would be pissed too if I'm thinking I'm writing to guy, who likes me for me finally. Because no matter how commercially good looking we think we are or our partners are...deep down, where humanity resides, we want to be loved completely, unconditionally. After all, if you're going to make physically attraction go exchangeably hand in hand with love and charity...alot of these ow women with ym will be in this woman's shoes soon enough. Although we have establish the fact that our love comes with conditions, I get that. So in that sense, you're not shallow at all. We should be very understanding of our yms when they want to leave us after x amount of years and go for yw....NOT!! The pain can floor us many times. whether we're with our partners 2 years or 20 years.

What gave it away...you had sex with her. The most honest of ultimate emotions. In that one moment, she knew you were being dishonest with her feelings...she knew she wasn't attractive, she was worthless, she wasn't wanted, but she was good enough to stick your sausage in but not complete enough to spend a lifetime with or the eye candy to parade around. She did what anyone would do whose in pain and is hurt...she lash out at you, to make herself feel good, to aleviate the pain, to just plainly make you feel like "manure"...(sorry, I don't curse much), as much as she has felt.

She'll get over it, with a bit of more emotional baggage and just because I want to believe that there's always, always someone for everyone and you'll move on to whatever. Just make sure that next time you're really into her...

No one, men or women deserves to be with someone who can't find them attractive in whatever capacity God gave them. According to you she was a worthwhile person, except she doesn't come up to society's standards of beauty, a beauty that is really shortlived. Just look at the billion dollar industry for makeup, face creams, exercise and plastic surgery.

I sometimes wonder if we should start life as old people and make our way back...because seniors hook up all the time...somehow they seem to learn a hidden deep dark secret to what is really worth loving.

Paris

I can totally understand her feelings too, but I think she over-reacted out of fear and low self esteem, not to mention an enormous dose of mis-trust.

My feelings are that if she had have given him a bit of time to get used to her as a person, and not just an internet persona, there would have been hope for the relationship. I think she skuttled away to protect herself from potential rejection, because she didn't believe in herself, or believe that a man could love her without beauty.

This reminds me of Austin powers.....arguably the ugliest screen persona I've laid eys on with his buck teeth, massive glasses, gordawful fashion sense, kind of weird body, face and hair. But he is so confident, and so darn enthusiastic about women.....and so damn gorgeous because of it! That awsome smile, and generous spirit.....I love that character:)

I can totally understand her feelings too, but I think she over-reacted out of fear and low self esteem, not to mention an enormous dose of mis-trust.

My feelings are that if she had have given him a bit of time to get used to her as a person, and not just an internet persona, there would have been hope for the relationship. I think she skuttled away to protect herself from potential rejection, because she didn't believe in herself, or believe that a man could love her without beauty....

Good heavens, Bella! :eek:

Do you think that she just possibly had no faith in the therapeutic potential of.....
Sympathy Sex??

:D *giggle*

Giggle Harrison:)) No, prolly no faith at all:) Whats wrong with womens? lol!

why don't you just ask out older women that you see out in "real life" i.e., not from the internet, so that way there will be no surprise or shock when you see her etc.. this way you will already know what she looks like and not feel shallow...

What’s wrong with being shallow anyway, and why are so many people worried that others will find them to be shallow?

Well lets start with the defiition of `shallow':

"shallow people"lacking depth of intellect or knowledge; concerned only with what is obvious;

It basically a kind of stupidity, by that definition.

And stupid people make stupid decisions, which in turn can harm others. Thats my only problem with shallowness.

Sig line compliments of Andy Rooney! Only a guy could have written that, women are too busy worrying "does he like me" instead of asking themselves do they like the man.

Ali

That is true and that is a form of self-centredness. People think that thinking of others is always altruistic when sometimes the opposite is true. When one stops thinking of oneself, inhibition follows.


Anyway, the thread starter is not shallow. True shallow people don't give a damn if they are shallow and would bed someone for the sake of it.

What’s wrong with being shallow anyway, and why are so many people worried that others will find them to be shallow?

If you argue that shallowness doesn’t lead to happiness in the long run and therefore it is an undesirable trait, it’s going to be hard to convince me.

I know lots of people who have been quite “shallow“ -- by the usual definition -- their whole lives and are at least as happy as anyone else I know.

On the other hand, I know some real deepies who are some of the most miserable people I know.

So why is being shallow seen as such a sin?

Because someone's personality is just as important as their looks. And that's not being politically correct!

Would you date someone who was smoking hot but didn't respect as a person?

The thing is looks doesn't denote one's intelligence, character, moral sense, etc. There is more to being a human than simply one's physical appearance.

To be frank I couldn't give a damn who is shallow. They could be happy, yes.