After much reading...

...I think it is time I start posting.:D

First of all, I would say that I have been greatly happy to find this forum. I was feeling kind of lonely with my doubts.

So here I am.

Female (I would be the older woman, even if I do not feel old), 34 years old, separated since 2 years (still leaving with my 'husband' though) and 2 kids of 3 and 6.

How did I get here???

Because of a 'story' with a 21 years old (which I would call Max) and lots of confusion.:D

What's the story???

Last dicember, I registered myself on a 'tecnical' forum to resolve some problem for job reason (I do web design in my spare time). From the first post, I was attracted to the admin (Max) because of his serious manner of writting and his general knowledge on the subject. He just remained a nick until february when he started asking me for some help with graphics via msn. Wow, I really pleased about it.
From there we started getting more friendly then a bit more confidential about our life and spent hours on msn chatting.
We first met in april in occasion of an official meeting organised by the forum. 43 of us but we always kept close to each other.
Again in may (he lives 600km/400miles from where I am), we learnt to know each other a bit more and the day finished with a kiss.
In june, 3rd meeting, he joined me for a full weekend and we did go further then the kiss. Wonderful weekend and great fun.
Back home and back on msn, things seemed to go way too much faster. We were spending nights chatting and some kind words started being exchanged. No 'I love you' but i felt it was close. Then one day, arrived the serious chat. He was getting scared of his feeling, he didn't know what love means, he wanted me to be happy and he thought that he was not the right person for me, that he was too young, that he could not offer me anything at this time of his life. His offer was let's return to being friend and with time we would meet again...
I took it bad and basicaly cut him off from my life even though he tried to contact me many times. With a few more weeks gone, I did calm down and eventualy started chatting with him again on msn, as a friend though. Never talked about what happened again.
In settember I will be on holiday with my 2 kids not so far from where he lives and he asked me if he could come and visit. I haven't given him a answer yet because one thing is chatting with him behind a pc, another having him face to face. I am not sure of how I would react (I do have feeling for him).
And I am still confused and do not understand if it is just a game for him or if he is honest.

I think I said it all and I keep on smiling.:D

Btw, I am from Italy, sorry for any mistakes.

Hi Sabrina and welcome! i moved your post to the relationship support forum of the ow/ym side of the boards in the hopes of gaining you lots of insight from our great members.

good luck and it's good to have you with us! :)

Tracy

If I were you I would be careful or at least protect my heart.

I mean it was he who got cold feet and told you...... "He was getting scared of his feeling, he didn't know what love means, he wanted me to be happy and he thought that he was not the right person for me, that he was too young, that he could not offer me anything at this time of his life. His offer was let's return to being friend and with time we would meet again..."

This time you're on vacation with your kids. Where are they suppose to be if you meet him? Are you taking them with you? Are he aware that you gonna bring them with you? And are you prepared to let them meet him?

It sounds more like he wants to have a romance and no serious relationship just now. Perhaps you have to decide what you want to come out of the relationship and if a fling or a romance is enough for you?

Do you have any indications of him wanting be a part of your life in other way than a "friend"?

Thank you Greeneyedgirl and Air.:)

So yes he does know that the kids will be with me. His idea would be to spend an evening all together, going to eat a pizza, having a walk, eat an ice cream or going to the beach an afternoon. And no, I do not have anything against my kids meeting him.

For the time being, he is thinking of opening his own company and bying himself a place of his own (he still lives with his parents). Something which he would like to do within a year time.
I myself do not really know what I really want from all this. I was not looking for anyone and it took me by surprise. I am not even sure what my feeling are for him, lust or love? I never thought about a future with him and has always been taking one day at the time. Also I can understand that at 21, he is thinking more about his professional future (he does have some great projects and I know he will need to work hard to get there) then getting involved seriously with a 34 years old mother of 2. Am I part of his future??? I do not really know as I am trying to take everything he says very lightly (protecting my heart?). He did wrote once that he would like to spend some of his life with me but the timing was wrong, that I have to be patient (I have no patience:D ).
One side I am happy to be just friend as he is a great guy. On the other side, I wish he was more then just a friend as he is such a great guy.

:D I am confused.

Best Sabrina,
suppose you need to ask yourself why you feel confused? Are you still having romantic feelings for him? Do you want something more than friendship from him?
Or are you just happy and flattered over that a man still see you and even more even flirts with you "even due to the fact that you are (as you say) "a 34 years old mother of 2"?

Don't go for other than the best is my advice. Why on earth do you make the thinking for him? He's grown enogh to have taken the first steps with you then I think he's grown up enough to act and think in other ways for himself.

One thing I've learnt from the other ladies on this board is to never make an exuse for a mans behaviour because of his age.

I think it sounds great that he suggested you to bring your kids for an evening together. That's nice behaviour. But he also send some signals that he is unsure but so are you. Perhaps everything is just so new that both of you is unsure of things? Sometimes we put ourselves in position to see us become "friends with benefits" and as for my experience such relationships often ends with that one of the partners have more feelings than the other. But why not having him as your friend as long as you protect your heart?

First let me welcome you to AL. Second, I would say the age gap is not that big of an issue and it sounds like you have a lot in common and feel an attraction to one another. Long nights chatting on MSN, a kiss and a marriage that is in trouble all sound like the ingredients for something bigger than a friendship. If I read the beginning of your post correctly you are separated from your husband in some way, but still living together with small children? I would suggest you keep this at the level of an online friendship. I think it would be very confusing to the kids at this stage, even if the meeting is just for friendship. My answer might be different if you no longer lived at home and the kids were not along. Please clarify this point for us.

Now you are giving me things to think about.:D

I certainly do have some more romantic feelings for him.
I am not flattered and I am not trying to make excuse for him because of his age. (We often joke that he is the older one because of his way of thinking.)
I am trying to be real. It cannot be an easy decision to get involved with someone older, separated and with kids even more if you are still leaving with your parents and only starting a professional career.
He does have some growing up to do. He knows it himself and he is being sincere which I take it as a good point.
He does have some very nice behaviour. He even sent a postcard from US knowing that my kid collects stamps.
He is certainly unsure and so am I. He needs to get his life on track and I need to sort out a few things myself.
I am not either for the idea of 'friends with benefits'. Just a loss of time.
Right now, as you said, better keeping him as a friend, knowing him better and then with time we will see if there is something more about it or not.

Why am I confused?
Because of my feelings for him and the way he acts. I spend too much time thinking about him. He is too concerned about me and do too much little things that some of my best friend has never done or thought of.

I am protecting my heart. This is also why I am trying to get my ideas clearer on the subject and came here to have an outside view.

If I had to listen to my heart, I would get on the car, drive for 600km and get to him. Not a good idea.:D

Hello Rozie and thanks for the welcome, you posted as I was writing the message before. I need to learn to type faster.

My status is that I still live with my 'husband' but have our own room and own life. We are still in the same house for economical reason and also for the kids.

You are right. We do have lots in common and certainly attraction.

We did go a bit further then just the kissing stage.:o
And I would say we are passed the online friendship.

I do not think the kids would get upset meeting a new friend. Our house is always full of friends, here for dinner, weekends or holidays. I also already took them on holidays with some other friends. I would not think of getting 'romantic' with someone in front of them but they do understand basic friendship. One thing I already told Max about.

:)

when a man comes right out and tells you he has a concern regarding progressing in a relationship, its your warning sign.

i would guard my heart, let him make all effort, you could be setting yourself up for more dissapointment.

you could also be really honest with him and tell him your real feelings and see if he is open to the possiblity or not.

best wishes to you, my husband is currently stationed in Italy. Vincenza.

I didn't really read the confusion in your post! So whose is the confusion, and how is it expressing itself?

Ali

Her heart wants to see him but her head is giving her doubts. I

If you can, try to listen to your head. :)

Ask yourself "and then what?"

You got to see him... and then what?
You two laugh and talk... and then what?
He gives you a kiss... and then what?
You kiss him back... and then what?
???? and then what?
You go back home... and then what?
You miss him and hurt more than ever.... and then what?

It is up to you. If it were me... I would not see him.

you could also be really honest with him and tell him your real feelings and see if he is open to the possiblity or not.
I thought about it but I am scared of the outcome.
best wishes to you, my husband is currently stationed in Italy. Vincenza.
Max is actualy in Florida.

I didn't really read the confusion in your post! So whose is the confusion, and how is it expressing itself.
I do not know how to comport myself with him and when I chat with him I feel I have to restrain myself of saying some things now.

Her heart wants to see him but her head is giving her doubts. I

If you can, try to listen to your head. :)

Ask yourself "and then what?"

You got to see him... and then what?
You two laugh and talk... and then what?
He gives you a kiss... and then what?
You kiss him back... and then what?
???? and then what?
You go back home... and then what?
You miss him and hurt more than ever.... and then what?

It is up to you. If it were me... I would not see him.
It is so true.:(

I have not talked to him for 6 days as he is in US and I didn't have time to be in front of the pc much. I am trying to play it cool but every night I find myself with the phone in my hand ready to call him.:o

Sometimes people need a little time and distance to come to grips with their feelings.....

Perhaps he has gone away, and thought about stuff, and now decided that he wants to 'try again'.....I do believe this is 'completely' why he has made contact with you .....

You obviously like him as well.....I think you should just wait and see what happens, he has come to 'you' so just relax, and let it unfold, it could turn into something good.....

As for 'protecting your heart'.....is there anyone in the world that doesnt do this???....its normal, I really think you should stop worrying about 'what-ifs' and things that havent happened yet .....

Thanks Tinkabell.

Strangely I always better like the most positive answer.:D

Anyway, I am going for the being friends at the time being and resist to the temptation of contacting him. I keep myself busy.

He will back in Italy by the end of the month and I will let him do the first move. He has home address, phone number, email e messenger. So he knows where to find me if he needs to.

The next few weeks will be hard. It would be nice to have a switch to the brain to turn off some part of it.:rolleyes:

I need to learn to be patient and stop thinking so much about him.