Why do I want to run?

Hi, I have a great bf, he treats me so well, but....I feel anxious around him, very nervous. Is it the age gap, there is a 17 year gap? Is anyone else going through this? I did not have this problem with my last relationship which was a 20 year age gap, but that bf had his own house, a great job, maybe it is a security issue with me? I'm trying to figure this out. My present bf has quit his job, got one in CT, he is from Massachusetts originally. He will be moving in with me next week. Maybe I am afraid of relationships? I always thought that age should not matter. I am a homebody type, he likes to go out all the time. I like the security of my condo. I'm trying to figure all of this out. He says he is not ready for marriage, well...neither am I, he says maybe in the year 2020. I'm not sure I ever want to get married again, I've been there, done that. Sometimes I feel I don't have space I need, he is over all the time, and now that he is moving in, well....all the time lol. He has lived at home for the past 15 yrs with his family, had not dated, his mom has done everything for him, everything. He's great, but sometimes I wish for the maturity of an older man, he is 38. Is anyone else feeling like me? I'm also riding this relationship out, since I'm thinking why I feel so nervous and scare, is 'cause I lost my job in March, and don't feel whole just yet. So many variables here. Not sure what to think. Why am I so jittery, so nervous? I want to feel normal again, my old self.

Also, I am still best friends with my ex bf, just friends though, nothing more, my present bf does not want me talking to him. I feel sad about this. I miss my friend, we'd chat for hours on everything. I enjoy visiting him too, my present bf went with me one day to visit. I think my present bf feels threatened by him, but with my ex I feel more sane, very relaxed, have known my ex about 2-3 years, my present bf since February of this year. I used to drive to visit my last bf at his house, I always had a big smile for him when I walk in the door, was so happy to see him. He used to play on the computer alot, while I did my thing, went to thrift store or watched TV, that worked for us, it was a good relationship. My present bf does not have any friends in the araa, he wants me to go everywhere with him, maybe I am stressing out? I am used to my old relationship which was so comfortable for me. My ex bf was more a loner like me, so it worked for us.

He has lived at home for the past 15 yrs with his family, had not dated, his mom has done everything for him, everything....


The reason you want to run is a very good one: It is because you're forming a relationship with an emotionally immature person.

At 38, most American men have learned to hold down some type of job that will let them pay rent or a mortgage on a place somewhere outside of Mom's house. Some men hold down 2 or 3 jobs just to make that happen.

Your dude sounds like a big kid who's just moving from Mommy's house to girlfriend's house, but staying on Easy Street. :eek:


Good luck!! ;)

The reason you want to run is a very good one: It is because you're forming a relationship with an emotionally immature person.

At 38, most American men have learned to hold down some type of job that will let them pay rent or a mortgage on a place somewhere outside of Mom's house. Some men hold down 2 or 3 jobs just to make that happen.

Your dude sounds like a big kid who's just moving from Mommy's house to girlfriend's house, but staying on Easy Street. :eek:


Good luck!! ;)

Thanx for your input, you are probably right, emotionally immature, arrrgh. Maybe that is why I am not as comfortable around him as I should be. My last bf has a great job, bought his house when he was in his 20s. Maybe I am feeling overburdoned as I pay my own mortgage, food bills everything. This moving in thing scares me, even though he treats me very well. I guess I need my freedom? I am a very independent person.

could be that your GUT is trying to tell you something..... like maybe you're moving too fast ..... ummm maybe you' re not a match maybe anything........ imho the only jitters one should feel around their SO is the happy excited kind not the negative dread uncomfortable kind...... it s never too late to change your mind! good luck :o)

I agree that if you're feeling this way, moving in together may be too soon for you.

Hey, theres no rush! Theres no reason why you can't do it later when you feel right about it...what do you think?

My .02.

DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER.

Your gut/intuition/common sense is giving you red flags, woman, listen to it.

I told my bf how I felt today, he was crushed, but I just feel it is too soon to move in together, and I am going through some depression right now, which is not helping matters. I need to get hormone therapy, had a hysterectomy 2 years ago, things haven't been the same since. My bf moved out today, still has some stuff to pick up tomorrow, he loves me so deeply, but I feel so smothered, and don't feel I have the space I need. I think everyone needs space. We said we'd stay friends, although I know he wants more. He told me today before he left, I know I can't provide for you. He does not make alot of money on his job. I feel so sad right now, my nerves are a mess. I don't know if I made the right decision, but my gut told me I had to.

*hugs*

You are acknowledging your fears. That is not a bad thing. Get yourself on your feet, so you can be in a good place. It is O.K. to wait. Better for him, better for you. If you are going through depression, consider therapy both mental and psychological. These are tools to help you stabilize.

*hugs*

I think this relationship doesn't fit as well as the last one, and the last one ended. That's what's scaring you. I haven't done the dating thing, so this may be lame advice, but try not to compare the men you involve yourself with.

luneib, please, you really need to get some counselling. Every few months you are here with another dysfunctional relationship with a younger man. I mean this from the bottom of my heart, there has to be a reason that you are continually drawn into these relationships. I did a quick search before this post, there was the 20 year younger one, there was one with a 19 year difference, this 17 year gap, you talked about a 20 y/o "playmate". Along with guys your own age you've dated at the same time as these relationships.

At one point there were 2 or 3 boyfriends all at the same time. I think maybe in your heart these guys become boyfriends before there actually is a relationship? Dating, even sex, doesn't constitute a relationship.

You're also romanticizing your ex's relationship with you. Please go back and read your original posts and remember how you felt then, when he told you he didn't ever intend to marry you.

You're tormenting yourself, and there has to be a reason.

I'm phoning my doctor this week to get on some hormonal therapy, went through a hysterectomy, my whole body is screwed up, probably a mild tranqulizer as well 'til my life gets back in order. I am unemployed, I'm like a guy when it comes to things like that, my job was who I was, sigh. I feel just like any man would upon losing their job, their income. I'm working on that too.

My bf and I talked about things today, we will be sharing my condo, but....he will be living in the livingroom, on the futon, and I will have the bedroom. That works for me, just until I can get my health back. He is so worried about me, such a kind caring person. We also talked about the smothering thing, he was smothering me with love, he didn't even realize it. He said he should have backed off a bit. So....we are working things out tg. He just got a job in CT, is from Mass., he starts that Sunday night, so I won't see him at night, just at dinnertime, providing I find a day job. My family also loves him as do my friends, they actually like my choice this time lol. That never happens lol.

I hope everyone else on here does not give up, relationships are a give and take thing.

I hope everyone has a great day!

I wasn't going to say anything until Bella brought it up because i'm with her.

You claim that he's smothering you, then why are you letting him live in your living room. Do you need to be with a man that badly? This has nothing to do with hormones, more like lack of common sense.

Yes, relationships are give and take, and they're hard enough as it is when its doesn't have anything to do with hormones but now you want to make it a real challenge and invite this man to live with you while you trying to find your place in your space. Why are you doing that to yourself? Why are you making this ym go through these changes with you? Why are you making life so much harder then it needs to be?

I find nothing wrong with a guy who lives at home with is mom, but I come from a different culture where we marry and bring our parents with us eventually, as long as he helps in paying the rent/mortgage, and he's not living rent free, I find that responsible...and if his mom wants to cater to him, well, you know, that's her choice, just as it is yours if you continue to so after he moves in or marries you. but the fact that you're feeling anxious about the whole guy...listen to your gut. Dating, sex, love, marriage, their not interchangeable. Eventually someone will drop the ball in one area and there goes the relationship.

And if he had a problem you visiting your ex... whose now your friend...it is what its is, he can get over it buddy. You're trying to rotate your life around him but your heart is telling you that something is off. Leave him at his mom's. And on another note...stop comparing the two guys...he is what he is and you made up your mind to choose him. The ex, his life is on a different plain...if you're going to compare lifestyles...well heck, you can always find someone with much, much more then either one of these guys. This is why you shouldn't move in with him until you can accept all of him and accept you with him, which you haven't done completely either. You're bing bonging between yourself and what you want to feel so badly, you accepting anything and everything. Bad form. It will NOT help you to feel any better.

Paris