rebound boy...

could use a little help here...recently i met a great guy online (8 year age gap)...we began talking and found we had a great connection...i was going through a dificult time with some family issues and he was very easy to open up to and to talk to...i had also just had a pretty bad dating experience and wasn't all about men right at that point...he has been separated since january but his divorce was just final a few months ago...we agreed to keep it at friends...

after a few weeks we met at the Y to work out together...he later called me and asked me out for a beer...we had a great time together and went out again the next night...it wasn't long before we had crossed the friends line...we talked and sent text messages every day....went out again the next weekend and had an incredible time...he usually texts me constantly and i got very used to hearing from him so often...the sunday after our last night out i didn't hear much from him which is so unusual...finally i texted him...shortly after he called and said he wanted to talk...i thought "uh oh" this can't be good...he began to talk about how he wasn't ready for a serious relationship since he was so recently divorced...i agreed and said we could just take it slow, one day at a time and see how it went...he agreed...we talked awhile longer and he said he had never dated more than one person at a time before and was looking forward to meeting people...i began to cry...i told him that would have been fine before but that since we had been intimate, i couldn't do that...i told him i would have to walk away which was the last thing in the world i wanted to do...we rehashed it through email over the next few days...he told me that he had incredible feelings for me but that he had to make sure that it was me and not just that he hadn't felt anything for so long...it was so incredibly hard...

finally, on thursday, i realized that if i walked away from him i would always wonder what might have been...i emailed him and told him that i wasn't ready to lose something that might be incredible and that i might be able to do it if we abstained from sex...kind of a step backwards...still seeing each other but not sleeping together and not an exclusive relationship though i have no desire to see anyone else...at least not at this time...he agreed and texted me the entire day...we went to work out together, we went swimming, and we had drinks at his house...yesterday pretty much the same thing...texts all day, dinner, movie, ice cream, margaritas at my house...we started getting a little carried away and i sent him home...he sent me a text as soon as he left my house saying 'sweet dreams'...i replied that i was sure they would be as i would be dreaming of him...his reply was that he had dreamt of me the night before...i melted...

today...nothing, nada, zilch...i finally sent him a text a couple of hours ago asking how his day was and he replied that it was good and asked about mine...i replied and haven't heard anything since...i don't know what the hell to think...of course, the first thing in my mind is that he is seeing or talking to someone else today/tonight...i know that's okay since we're not exclusive but i'm so used to hearing from him so often that i'm freaking out...

i don't know if i can do this or not after all...i'm trying really hard to stay calm but just want to hear from him and to talk to him...i've tried to think of another reason to text him, but am drawing a blank...can anyone help???

Maybe, and I do mean maybe, the best way to get his attention is to avoid him.
Be less available, and let him make the initial contacts. While your heart may not be readily into it...maybe, again the maybe, you should make an effort to meet and possibly date other men.

I realize each relationship is different -- but it seems he has been pretty clear about what he wants. Also, alot of men just plain out like the chase!

Oh that we could just be ourselves....contact them, and cook for them, and do all those little things we think they will like...but, sometimes it is best to just do what works!

Good Luck!

Well, i am sorry for what you are going through......it is hard.....when something like that happens but these people seem to catch us when we are at are weakest and since we need companionship or a shoulder to cry on they offer thier friendship and we are easy pray....sorry to hear about your experience and i wish i could offer up better advice....but be strong and just ignore him....take care.....

I think you've already answered your own dilemma. Can you handle this, no. You want him exclusively and he's not ready to be exclusive.

Don't text him again today. Honestly, he could just be busy and doesn't have the time to text you back right now.

I know you want to continue seeing him but are you really able to handle the situation if he is seeing someone else and you are not his main focus one night?

Don't knowingly put yourself in a position to get hurt. You're the only one who can decide what your limits are.

thanks for the responses...unfortunately i read them too late...i remembered that he had lost his checkbook the night before so i sent him a text asking if he ever found it...that started a nice conversation that ended with us making plans to go to his friend's cookout and then coming back here to watch a movie...we had a great time at the cookout, came back here to watch the movie and things quickly got out of control...he said something about self control and all i could think was 'self control is overrated'...we did eventually finish watching the movie...and then, since it was late and he had to work today, he left...within a minute of him leaving, i realized he ran off with my lighter...several texts later, he talked me into coming out to his house to get it and staying with him...and i admit it didn't take a whole lot of arm twisting...

this morning my mind is running in circles...how badly did we screw this up now? i had told him that if and when we ever slept together again, it would be because we were both ready to move on to something more...i'm fairly certain he's still not ready for that...it was pure and simple a case of not being able to resist temptation...

angelangel...you're so right...the first night he doesn't focus on me, i'll fall apart...yesterday was a pretty good indication of that happening...and now, it's even more complicated...before he was a little stand-offish with me after something would happen...he told me later it was because he felt guilty knowing i wanted more than he was ready for...this time he wasn't like that at all...he was very sweet and affectionate while we watched the movie...he woke me up this morning with a kiss to tell me good bye before he left for work and he was sooooo sweet...and he just called me which he rarely does...usually he sends texts...does that mean anything? probably not but it feels so nice...

oh boy...i've done it this time huh...

he began to talk about how he wasn't ready for a serious relationship since he was so recently divorced...i agreed and said we could just take it slow, one day at a time and see how it went...he agreed...we talked awhile longer and he said he had never dated more than one person at a time before and was looking forward to meeting people...i began to cry...i told him that would have been fine before but that since we had been intimate, i couldn't do that...
Sweetie, you have set yourself up for one great big fall......
Generally speaking, it is never a good idea to hitch your wagon to someone who has just recently left a relationship. Sex and attention are great ego boosters when one is just coming out of a broken partnership. Typically, that's all they are looking for... a way to make them feel good about themselves. If not with you, it would be someone else.

I'm not saying this guy doesn't care about you... he'll care just enough to get what he wants and needs. If he was at all concerned about what is important to you, he'd back off a bit and respect your wishes.

YOU have got to stick to your original plan -- the one where you don't want intimacy in a casual relationship. Start looking out for #1 (that's you :D) and quit the text messaging. (How old are you two, anyway?). If he wants to communicate, let him pick up the phone and engage you in some adult conversation.

A bit of a harsh response, and I'm sorry, but it just annoys me when any one (male or female) doesn't stay true to the convictions they claim to hold on to for themselves. By virtue of his behavior, he's a user & a loser. Walk away from this jerk because he is not worth the effort and the stress it is causing you.

P.S. Keep your legs crossed :p

Hey girl,

I know all too well how it is to have someone "pop" into your life that you feel such a good, mutual connection with, to only have them decide they really aren't "available" right now.

It's going to sound corny and I'm not sure you'll benefit from it the way I have, but I'll tell you what's worked for me (besides these forums). Years ago I bought the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." I started re-reading it over the last two months. Then I went out and bought "Mars and Venus on a Date." Between the second book and these fourms (not just reading my own issues, but learning from others too) have been very helpful to me. It has always been very hard for me to resist calling someone that I have had an interest in and I'm really not much into the "rules of dating," but really found that my current situation (as well as past relationships) really related a lot to what I was reading. I won't hijack your thread to go into what my current situation (you can read my past threads) but I will tell you once I started to apply what I was reading, it really has helped with giving me back my self-control and self-respect.

All situations are different and it's really hard to try and remain objective in our own relationships (I've always found it easier to give advice rather than apply it to myself). It's also hard to really write about the intensity that we are experiencing (unless you're a great novelist!) with our men. However, I would definitley suggest either buying the book or checking it out from the local library. It's helped me to get past the "giddy" stage and remember to look out for ME. YOU are the important one here and YOU are who you need to protect. Protecting oneself doesn't mean that you have to go into full-guard mode, but LISTEN to everything (HIM and others that are posting replies to you). Apply it to how you HONESTLY (the key word here...you have to be HONEST with yourself) feel it regards your situation. We haven't spent time with this guy, only you have, we don't know him as well as you do. But you do have to listen AND hear what he is telling you. I know it's not easy when he's giving you mixed signals, but it has to be done. All the ladies here told me to let him be the chaser....and they were right. I refrained from calling him or text messaging him for over two weeks. BUT he did finally contact me. You know how wonderful you are and trust me, if he REALLY saw YOU then he will contact you, too. And if he didn't...then good riddance...because YOU deserve to have all your needs met and not left to wondering where you stand with him.

It's not an easy process...I know. It's been very hard for me. I live in Phoenix and they finally caught the Serial Shooter and he happened to be living ONE MILE from my house! Now, who do you think I wanted to call first when the last two shootings were both within a mile of my house?! But, nope. I decided it was more important to me that he was contacting me because HE wanted to, not because I initiated it.

I wish you lots of luck with your current situation. Like I said, get the book. I tend to have a very active imagination and when it works, it always goes into overdrive. 90% of the time, their social life is much more exciting in our heads than in reality. :D

You broke your own "plan of action" over $1.50 lighter?
I don't get it.
Why not just go out and buy another lighter?

I'm not going to throw stones here because I have been in the same boat as you. There have been times when I have recently broken up with someone and wanted to feel love from another person SO much, that I choose not to see the readily evident signs from a guy that he was definitely not interested in me for anything more than sex.

Although there is nothing wrong with a man or woman wanting to date multiple people at one time, all of us are not emotionally capable of doing this. I for one cannot date more than one person at a time. Last year I tried dating 3 guys at once and it was awful - hard to keep straight what I had done with who (did I see that movie with Ryan or Kurtis?), hard to make plans with any of them without hurting someone's feelings, and VERY hard to feel any kind of respect for myself since I knew my relationships with all of them were shallow and non-committed.

Your guy sounds like someone who definitely likes the chase, and probably would love to have YOU along with whatever other women come along that strike his fancy. If he says that he's not ready for a serious relationship, then believe him. You sound like someone with a very big heart, and I don't think that this guy cares about whether or not he breaks it.

I say pass....and keep looking for someone who will appreciate you.

It appears to me that everything was just fine at the moment of your last post here, so don't get stressed out without reason.

I tend to have a very active imagination and when it works, it always goes into overdrive. 90% of the time, their social life is much more exciting in our heads than in reality. :D

ah geez...me too! my imagination goes into overdrive and i can't seem to reign it back in...happened just last night...i was convinced he was out with someone else and was soooo wrong...my daughter tried to tell me but i couldn't let it go until he called...bottom line is i make myself crazy most of the time...

patricia you're right...things have been good since my last post...he hasn't said a word about seeing other people and we have seen each other darn near every night...the only exceptions being when he has his kids...

thank you all for your replies...i appreciate all of your insights...oh and lastly...the 'plan of action' was broken before the lighter incident...otherwise, i'd have driven to kwikshop for a new lighter instead of to his house...:D