I need you so much..

Hi everyone,

I didn't write for so long and i don't know why.
I am 37, single mother to a 15 years old daughter. My (ex) y/m and i started dating on March 2005. During the first few months we broke up 3 times and ended up getting back together. Since October 2005 and until last week, we were together with not even one break. The problem is always his. We love each other very very much; i know his friend and we spend time together with them. I never met his parents and he said they don't know about me. I met his brother and i feel he is not happy for us. He was never ready to tell his parents. We broke up last week-July 29th. I saw him two days ago in a nightclub and ended up spending the night with him (he said it is hard for him and he miss me so much) without a change. We are not together! He says he is confused. My heart is broken. I didn't work for a week, i can hardly eat, i miss him so much!! My family says (most of them) it will not work because of the age gap, i don't accept that!! It so so hard and i really need you guys, please help me, please.

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. Take some time for you and know that you *WILL* survive this. Each day your heartache will be lessened.

My experience here at AL is that a ym who is unwilling to come out with his relationship to family (and/or friends) is not going to work out in the long run. I also sort of believe that if a ym does come out (strongly, unconditionally, and as soon as possible) with his relationship to faimly and/or friends that it tends to bode well for acceptance. This may be because of the ym himself and his family and friends. There probably is some dynamic there that encourages a ym to be forthright regardless of fear and committed regardless of acceptance which actually leads to acceptance.

I know that hurts to read. We are here for you.

Hi Marcy,

It is very hard to read (actually I am in tears now).We were very happy and we are very much in love, but I cannot carry on knowing he will not face his family and tell them. I realty don't know how to get over it, I feel so lost, I am in such a pain, feeling that I cannot fall in love again. He is in my thoughts every second, waiting to hear my cell phone rings-it is kind of madness I got in to. I feel like a lost child and praying to feel good-I took a tablet last night and felt the same, only more tiered.

last night i had a conversation with my husband regarding a friend of his.

the guy is a higher ranked soldier who fiddling around with a lower rank soldier, he has gotten her pregnant twice, once while on deployment, (HUGE NO NO) she came home on leave and had an abortion. she is pregnant again.

during all of this, he kept saying, i am not going to settle down, i want to screw who i want to screw and did just that on a trip to Amsterdam....do i need to say more?

my husband is friends with both people, in fact the higher ranked soldier used to be his friend and roommate, he studied while he was SAFE on deployment while adam was on front lines....oops, i digress.

adam was frustrated with him yesterday and said he needs to grow up and face his responsibilities. i asked my husband why? he has always told everyone just who he is, its not our job to change him. the girl in the story needs to nail his assets for child support and move on.

we had a pretty deep discussion about LISTENING TO WHAT A PERSON SAYS, and noticing the ACTIONS. believe they are showing their true colors and accept it.

i may sound like i am off track but i am making a point.

as women we need to stop projecting what we want them to do and accept what they are doing and saying.

there is complete strength in this awareness.

if a guy does not give you what you need emotionally we need to be strong enough to say, this is not what i want.

i believe, that they then have a choice, but we need to be STRONG in what we want and need. at the end of the day, we are in control of our destiny and our choices, dont be so fast to hand over your emotional vulnerbility to someone who has not earned your complete trust. stand your ground, be in control and eventually you may be with this guy, realize that YOU are master of your destiny and not a man who has not made a full committment to you.

be strong! own your feelings, do not hand them over without expressed permission of what you expect from a relationship.

you can do this!!!

I feel very bad, and don't know how to get over it, but on Saturday, after spending the night with him, we had a conversation and I told him everything, I told him not to call me again if he knows he is not going to be open with his family and not hide anymore, I said I am not going to make anymore sacrifices and wait for who knows how long, I also told him I have nothing to hide, and our age gap is not something I am going to be punished for anymore, I was punished more then enough. It is his war now, not mine, I am totally convinced we can make it if he wants, but he is not brave enough to leave the life he wants, instead of leaving the life everyone wants. It is very true what Kittylane is saying: YOU are master of your destiny and not a man who has not made a full committment to you.
And it is so important for my hilling to read that. I hope I will be ok one day and want to believe that if it is strong enough as I feel it is, we will be together again. I can hardly type the words, and I can't stop crying, but I also know for a fact I will never do the first step to win him back, not even one phone call as hard as it is going to be because I know for a fact – it will make him strong and will take away the energy I still have and there is not much. So much support is needed for that and I hope I will find it here. Thank you !

I agree with Kitty totally.

Not just because those two people continue to play with the laws of reproduction with no care for the environment in which this child is now coming into, but because common sense has eluded them so much so that they don't care who they hurt...themselves or a child.

This is where you are at. Why are you crying? From where I'm sitting, home-boy had no intention of telling anyone of you and he carried it off as far as he could. He wish he could've ridden it out a little longer but it is what it is. Every intention to make this a real relationship would've been shouted from the rooftops at the begining back in March.

Splash water on your face and call a friend and find somewhere to go and have a good time. Because unless he's home brokenhearted, you're not doing yourself any favours. Go out and meet people. Give yourself time to find your space back, but its not going to happen sitting on the computer and crying about it. You explain to him where you stand, now let him do some of the work, in the mean time, smile...you're young/alive, I'm sure a good hearted person and someone worthwhile in getting to know. Go out and enjoy this great weather we're finally having and you'll forget about yourself and what YOU lack right now.

Paris

Hi everyone,

I didn't write for so long and i don't know why.
I am 37, single mother to a 15 years old daughter. My (ex) y/m and i started dating on March 2005. During the first few months we broke up 3 times and ended up getting back together. Since October 2005 and until last week, we were together with not even one break. The problem is always his. We love each other very very much; i know his friend and we spend time together with them. I never met his parents and he said they don't know about me. I met his brother and i feel he is not happy for us. He was never ready to tell his parents. We broke up last week-July 29th. I saw him two days ago in a nightclub and ended up spending the night with him (he said it is hard for him and he miss me so much) without a change. We are not together! He says he is confused. My heart is broken. I didn't work for a week, i can hardly eat, i miss him so much!! My family says (most of them) it will not work because of the age gap, i don't accept that!! It so so hard and i really need you guys, please help me, please.

I am so sorry, and sadly I can relate. I'm still going back and forth with a VYM with similar issues. He won't tell his parents and while a couple of his friends know of me, we have yet to meet. I keep allowing him to "go away" (AKA dumping me) when he gets scared, but then he crawls back! It is sooooo emotionally unsettling that I am sick because of it....literally. Today, after proclaiming his love for me, he calls off a date because his parents are riding him. I told him goodbye but we'll see if he lets me this time. Whatis really sad about this whole thing is that I don't NEED this. I have a few other suitors....one of whom may visit me from out of state if he doesn't have to hear about all this nonsense anymore! I know my own personal BS has taken up your space, but I just wanted to let you know that otheres have gone through the same thing and guess what...I feel stupid and heartbroken too.

Hold on to your heart.....save it for soemone more worthy.

First, let me say that I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I think crying at home is okay for a few days, but you have to pick up and get outside, go for a walk or something, or a movie. Don't wallow too long in a teary solitary state. Not saying that it will go away, but it will just be healthier to get out soon.

And you are right in letting him come to you. But if he does, make it known that it is for real, no bs. Is he prepared to stand by it? I have recently learned about standing by your convictions. I can put my tail between my legs like a puppy when someone comes at me. Is he like that with his family, too? I can say first hand that this is a difficult thing, to stand up with conviction. He can take it in steps. He doesn't have to tell his family that he's getting married, just that he's found someone that he really thinks is perfect for him, and wants to give it a chance. It's so difficult sometimes being in a new age gap relationship, as you can see from the threads on here. But, if he doesn't come around, then he himself is not convinced, sorry to say.

Good luck. Be reeeeeaaaalllly good to yourself this week.

Like so many of these issues posted here, I don’t think this has anything to do with age gap.

It really doesn’t matter that someone else has an opinion that it won’t work because of the age gap.

What matters is whether or not the guy wants to continue the relationship.

You can’t force someone to want to be in a relationship if they don’t want to be. All you can do is give him a little space so that he can figure out what he really wants and hope that it is you.

He’s made it pretty clear that he is leaning in the direction of moving away from the relationship.

As tough as it is, I think I’d be looking for ways to lessen the impact of his decision on your feelings if that is what it turns out to be.

This is actually the FOURTH time you've broken up. That's a pretty bad track record.

This may not be what you want to hear, but the way you are feeling probably relates to the way you were treated as a baby and as a young child. You are suffering from "anxious ambivalent attachment" according to one theory. Your original care giver (mother?) paid attention to you part of the time, and didn't meet your needs the other part of the time. As a result, you are hypervigilant...hoping to get his love and attention far more than a person in a healthier relationship. You're preoccupied with him, and anxious. You're probably jealous, fear rejection and are controlling and intrusive within the context of your relationship with him. If all of this sounds familiar, then it's not about this relationship, it's about who you are at the core of your being.

People with this history have a very high break up/back together rate. I know. I used to be one of them, until I got myself into therapy.

Your pain will continue on until you understand your own motivation. Hang in there, and get some counseling if you can. I really wish you the best. Your daughter needs you to be whole and healthy. I'm sorry you're in pain. It sucks.

I feel for you, but some people are just not ready for a serious relationship. On top of that, Some family's may just simply not accept their children's decision and take extreme actions. If he tells his parents, than he may very well be risking his relationship with his family and comitting to yours and he's not sure if he's ready for that.

Even, then that's no excuse for him to break up. He needs to communicate his feelings with you and you may have to get him to open up

Hi...

Thanks everyone....

Kat 7 : "anxious ambivalent attachment" according to one theory. Your original care giver (mother?) paid attention to you part of the time, and didn't meet your needs the other part of the time...
I have been with men in my life, he is not the first one, yes it is the first time i behave the way i do, i never felt the way i do now, i broke up from men i loved and i was much better then i am now. What are you based on writing this? My mother paid attention to me all the time, and all my needs thank god!!! i behave now like a big baby but i got the feeling here that i can express my true self at the moment. I may feel better tomorrow or next week or who knows when. Yes i cannot explain the way i feel or behave in this relationship, but cannot understand what makes you write the above. I am trying to get over a break where most of the people around me think it is the best to do because of the age gap, and here i find so many people that understand what i am going through and trying and making me feel better and i am great full i have that chance.

Hey, it's just a theory and I think I was clear about that. I'm compassionate towards your situation, and I thought I made that clear; sorry if you took it the wrong way....but you have no way of knowing how things were when you were a baby, unless you remember the first year of your life.

The breaking up and getting back together FOUR times was what I was trying to point out was a clue that something was dysfunctional about the relationship. That doesn't mean you're bad, he's bad or even the relationship is bad.....it's merely an observation. Because as most will tell you around here, when things like this happen, it's most often NOT about the age gap, and more about the people in the relationship.

In a forum like this, you're going to hear all kinds of advice and suggestions...some you'll want to hear, and some you won't. If someone gave me a piece of information like this, I would be very attentive and consider it....it might help me or it might not. But you are saying that you don't understand your own behavior, and I'm offering a possible reason. Tools are always helpful in my experience, and knowledge is a tool.

I repeat: I'm very sorry you're in pain. I hope some resolution comes to you soon.

Hi again,

I did join did site when more then a year ago and I am sorry I didn't write or read here even when things where good between us. I understand your point and I know you want to give the best advice possible. I read allot here in the last few days and I can see that I will probably hear things that will sound very hurtful. It did heart what you wrote and maybe when time goes by I will understand the point you were making even better then now. I am writing what comes from my heart at the same moment. I really want to get on with my life like everyone and be happy like we all do. I am maybe not as strong now as I was in previous relationships I had, but today I am convinced more then yesterday that it is not the end of the world and I will be ok if I will be with him or not. I have my daughter and she needs me strong and healthy. I am sorry if I overreacted, and thank everyone here for their support. IT RELLY HELPS ME!!!

It sounds like you need something to occupy your time with. Are there any activities or church groups in your area you could join? Maybe your daughter could join you, too; it might be fun for the both of you to spend some time together. I'm just offering a suggestion; I mean, maybe it would help you take your mind off things.

Judging by your picture, you're very beautiful and I'm sure you're a wonderful person. God didn't put you on this earth to be miserable. You'll find the right guy someday. :)

exactly patrick, God did not put us on earth to be miserable, but God also helps those who help themselves.

dont let anyone walk over you, if it takes time to NOT date and regain your dignity something great may happen and you will realize that you are not defined by a man.

dont get me wrong, i am nuts over my husband, but he treats me like a princess, i am at a point in my life i have NO tolerance for foolishness.

not to say i cant act the big clown or fool. but as a couple we are on very stable ground.

i couldnt date for nearly two years because i would size a guy up and their "issues" within the first 2 minutes, i heard my head say.

Been there, done that, NEXT. really, really INTERVIEW potential mates, they usually tell ya exactly where their heads are at. DONT TRY TO CHANGE THEM.

you are beautiful but giving away your strength, take it back.

I agree with kitty, people spend their entire mariage trying to change their spouse and realize that it's just not what they want.

People grow and mature, but actively trying to change someone rarely works and you just dont deserve that kind of disrespect. We're here to support you and I'm sure you'll find someone who knows how to take care of your right.

loganic hit on something, it is precious and tender that men do feel the need to take care of a woman, but unless this is really the case, you are wasting your time.

i learned the hard way about this lesson of life.

dont try to turn anyone into the greatest love story of your life unless they EARN it.

it becomes a two way street at that point, if a guy does not adore and worship you to begin with and is not ready to take on the world for your behalf, then its half of nothing.

i fell into relationships of convenience, it looked kinda like love, we said all the right words, did the right things but the passion was not there.

men and women settle..... sometimes this is a great thing, its all a person wants and needs, but then there are people like me, who never felt fulfilled with past relationships other than being a mother and a grandmother.

i could be passionate with my child and her children, i did not expect that there was more, the fact is that there is, if you are willing to go find it or at least not settle for less.

put the ball back in your court and start making the calls on how you want your life to be.

There are a couple of things I don't believe were mentioned above, or perhaps I missed them. Sometimes we want everything right away. Maybe he is a great match for her and he simply isn't ready to tell his family. Introducing her to his brother was a test; a trial balloon. It didn't go well. Her young lover retreated, but perhaps temporarily.

In the beginning, my lover and I were content just to have each other and neither one of us wanted anyone else to know. We knew a lot of the same people and we knew they would all be shocked. Living with the secret changes in time when you want shared friends and when sneaking around loses some of its excitement. At least one of my children is dead set against our relationship and I struggle at times with what to do about that. But she hasn't stopped talking to me or anything like that. We see each other all the time. She just doesn't see him.

I guess my point is a question really: did you give him enough time and space to figure out how to deal with the family reaction? I don't believe those of us who are in these relationships have to come out right away; I mean, why not see if it's something that's gonna last; something worth fighting for? In my own situation, and this is only one example, we blossomed in private and it made all the difference.

My best to you!

i agree with browneyedgirl completely, i know personally it took more time for me to come to grips with committing to my relationship, possibly i did take it seriously and wanted to proceed with caution, at a certain age it just not fun to have a broken heart. it was not on my agenda.

sure i took a risk, we all do when we fall in love and committ to a person, but i had to have time to digest that i WAS in a relationship. it was far from what i expected, i didnt venture out much against the norm of society.

but when i accepted and allowed myself to really fall, give 110%, i was not afraid or hesitate to just be myself.

thank you browneyedgirl for making me remember those times.

There are a couple of things I don't believe were mentioned above, or perhaps I missed them. Sometimes we want everything right away. Maybe he is a great match for her and he simply isn't ready to tell his family. Introducing her to his brother was a test; a trial balloon. It didn't go well. Her young lover retreated, but perhaps temporarily.

In the beginning, my lover and I were content just to have each other and neither one of us wanted anyone else to know. We knew a lot of the same people and we knew they would all be shocked. Living with the secret changes in time when you want shared friends and when sneaking around loses some of its excitement. At least one of my children is dead set against our relationship and I struggle at times with what to do about that. But she hasn't stopped talking to me or anything like that. We see each other all the time. She just doesn't see him.

I guess my point is a question really: did you give him enough time and space to figure out how to deal with the family reaction? I don't believe those of us who are in these relationships have to come out right away; I mean, why not see if it's something that's gonna last; something worth fighting for? In my own situation, and this is only one example, we blossomed in private and it made all the difference.

My best to you!


Brown eyed girl, this is terrific wisdom! I agree with you, completely.

I turned on the computer few minutes ago and was so happy to read all this after being out of town all day. I feel bit better today, I hope it will get better every day. Browneyedgirl, you were making a good point, and I agree, I never pushed him to talk to his parents and I thought it is better to give him time to feel and be ready to do so when it is the right time for him, and I still want to believe that if he loves me enough it will also come, but it is his choice. We didn't break up because I said: go and tell them, we broke up because he started talking about it and ended up breaking up because he was confused and I understood he wanted the space and I gave it to him. I said before and I am saying again: I love him very much, I miss him every second! I want to see him, kiss him, talk to him, but now it is about him, I am not going to make even one phone call! I want to be happy, I want love in my life, and I want to know that the man with me is totally convinced he wants to be with me. It is very hard to say but although he loves me very much and always treated me like a princes, my confidence was down many days during our relationship and I do not want to feel like I did even one more day, he is got the space now, he knows where I am, and as hard as it will be-I've done enough, I really did.

Hi everyone,

I didn't write for so long and i don't know why.
I am 37, single mother to a 15 years old daughter. My (ex) y/m and i started dating on March 2005. During the first few months we broke up 3 times and ended up getting back together. Since October 2005 and until last week, we were together with not even one break. The problem is always his. We love each other very very much; i know his friend and we spend time together with them. I never met his parents and he said they don't know about me. I met his brother and i feel he is not happy for us. He was never ready to tell his parents. We broke up last week-July 29th. I saw him two days ago in a nightclub and ended up spending the night with him (he said it is hard for him and he miss me so much) without a change. We are not together! He says he is confused. My heart is broken. I didn't work for a week, i can hardly eat, i miss him so much!! My family says (most of them) it will not work because of the age gap, i don't accept that!! It so so hard and i really need you guys, please help me, please.

when I saw your headline: "I need you so much" I thought you were referring to your bf/ex/ym. Whoops! It's us! Hooray! Every time I've ever said that to a man in my life I've regretted it. I'm sure you will get a good response here!

Hugs,

Ali

BTW...about your problem with this fella. Some people have a personality quirk that is age resistant: they can't go against the common ground for long. If their family doesn't like you, it will make them uncomfortable, ditto for friends. And it may not even be you, it could simply be the whole age gap thing. We've read plenty of cases where it has caused hurt and breakups I don't know about you, but I'd rather be with a man who loves me and is unafraid of what anyone will say, either now or down the road about our togetherness. I think it's wise to feel that way.

thank you browneyedgirl for making me remember those times.

You are most welcome, Kittylane. I've enjoyed many of your postings as well. ;)

You'd make a great empath Browneyedgirl :P

Hi all..

I want your advice if you can..
It is two weeks since we broke up now. I saw him again on Friday but I only said hello to him&his friends and moved on to my friends. He told me that he wanted to ring me earlier after dinner and didn't. I know he miss me and I know he wants to talk to me. I don't know what I am going to say to him if he does, what I know is that I will not go back to the same relationship, I want a relationship that is known by all, include his parents. What do I do if he calls me? Can you help?

I think that Kittylane said to you in an earlier post that if you make a decision, you have to stand by it. So, if you have decided that you will not take him back unless he makes the relationship known to everyone else in his life, then don't you need to stand firm?

If you waver on this, what good did it do to have that conversation with him? Stand firm. You have told him how you feel. Now, it's up to him to meet your needs.