Meeting your YM's Parents?

I recently posted about my friendship with a 27 year old man (I'm 47). We're still just friends, but we seem to be getting closer slowly, but steadily. There are a few things I am concerned about in this large age gap that we have. And these issues seem to be ones that come up in age gaps. Before I make any decisions to forge ahead into the land of no return I'm wondering about these things:

1. Secrecy: I would never, ever enter a romantic relationship with my guy friend if he in any way acted like he wanted to hide it from anyone. So far, we have done a lot of things in public and we even perform music in public so he doesn't seem uncomfortable being seen with me. I don't know however how he would feel about introducing me as his girlfriend.

2. His Parents: My guy friend and I get along great, we're alike in many ways, have similar likes/dislikes and really enjoy spending time together. My mom has passed away and my dad is globetrotting....he really couldn't care less about these things, plus my mom was 17 years older than him anyway. But I'm worried about HIS parents. He has talked a little about his dad, never really about his mom, although he has mentioned about his parents. He seems somewhat close to them. He visits back home...in the South (US), where he's from, and also mentioned they had visited him. They are in their mid-50s. His family sounds fairly traditional, so I'm worried that they would either disapprove or cause problems for us if we dated. Also, I worry that he would be reluctant to tell his parents about us if we were to become involved.

Has anyone had issues with your YM's parents or reluctance of your YM to tell them about you because of you are much older?

Also, did you discuss these things BEFORE becoming involved? In similar-age relationships, you take these things for granted, so they are not issues you would necessary discuss beforehand. I just would hate to get involved, then discover there are problems surrounding these issues.

The relationship he has with his parents (before you ever entered the picture) will surely dictate their reaction to you.

If you are just "dating", I'd hold off the face-to-face and not stress yourself out. Should the relationship become more permanent, that would be the time to consider an introduction to the family unit.

Once you and your YM have a solid understanding of what the *future* means to both of you; including your expections regarding children, finances, religion, politics, etc., you'll find that meeting the parents will be a cake walk ;)

boy i dont remember how his parents came into the picture, i remember the vulgar comments of his father, i was not privy to the time he decided to tell his family i was someone he was not going to give up on.

infact, i was not privy to the extreme feelings he had, he made a decision and told them, point blank, like it, or say goodbye to him.

he knew them better than i did and now i understand his approach.

there is a song, "when a man loves a woman" you all know the words, but it is true, when a man loves you, he will go thru fire, best friends, whatever to be with you.

its nervewracking for sure, but just because they are young does not mean that they are not men, let them be.

if you have self doubt, like i did, realize this is YOUR issue, HE choose you, you should be at least confident in his decision.

looking back, i was a wreck, i met my in-laws at basic training in the army, my husband was in the toughest training in the American Army, Camp Benning.

i apologized all over myself, i was my own worst enemy. until he and i were together, we clicked, we had peace, we were in tune.

you are not there to please your boyfriends parents, that does not work.

he choose you, please your boyfriend. it will be ok. promise.....

My bf introduced me to his mom, dad, grandparents and friends (individually) soon enough but with minor nerves and hesitation.

Before I met his mother (who is younger than me) my bf instructed me to lie about my age if she asked me. I was reluctant at first but he convinced me. The way things turned out in the introductory dinner I got up to go to the ladies room and when I came back, my bf had already told him about my real age, about my teen son, and she was a bit shocked but accepting.

To me the greater problem was my parents who almost disowned me because of the age difference. Things are ok now but I know that deep inside they wish he was older. Oddly enough, they find it normal that my ex is dating a woman 16 years younger.

my husbands parents are in their early 60's, i am in my late 40's.

no grandchildren.

he is the one i would have had babies with, it is my bittersweet reality.

we all have our little obstacles of grief to deal with.

I definetly also have to agree that if it's just dating, then don't worry about it.

I would definetly have problems introducing an SO to my family, because most of them still have a very traditional Indian mindset. My parents would be uncomfortable, but they would accept it. We're close enough. Worst case scenario, my father, believing I was making some serious mistake, would threaten to ostracise me, but it would be difficult for him to follow through.

Unfortuanatly, the rest of my family, is much less open minded about anything, and my father's only become that way from years of dealing with me. They would do it without thinking twice, and would apply enourmous pressure on my dad. They have a whole practically medieval 'family honor' mentality and I can't help but think that apart from my parents, I would rather just distance myself from them.

My mother's family is much more forgiving and open minded, but they live in Russia and we don't get to see each other quite as often.

my partner is 19 years younger than me but has siblings my age, so i think that made it easier for them to accept me. His mother says she's thrilled that all her children are finally in happy relationships. She's in her 70s and my mother is in her 80s. Elderly people seem much less concerned about the age gap. In fact, my mother is more worried about my brother having a girlfriend 20 years younger, because she fears that any children they might have could lose their father while they are still very young.

Good luck! But i also agree that there's no need to tell anyone about your age gap unless the relationship becomes more serious.

~~~

Has anyone had issues with your YM's parents or reluctance of your YM to tell them about you because of you are much older?

Also, did you discuss these things BEFORE becoming involved? In similar-age relationships, you take these things for granted, so they are not issues you would necessary discuss beforehand. I just would hate to get involved, then discover there are problems surrounding these issues.

Yes, we have issues with his parents. No, we didn't discuss it before we became involved.

Our relationship developed online from research partners to friendship to romance. Each time we've met in real life (me going to Europe, or him coming to the U.S.), he's had to sit down and have a talk with his parents.... and each time they've reacted first with shouting, then talking about it, then finally telling him it's his life to do with as he wants.... but each time they've made their disapproval known, and as an only child, he feels guilty about doing anything that they disapprove of. Nevertheless, our relationship has grown stronger than his parental ties.

I haven't yet met his parents, but as he and I have grown closer he's reaffirmed to them his commitment and his perseverance. And at every step of the way, he has told me, "I don't know where this is going, but I want to keep finding out, together with you."

Now we've reached a point where we DO have a clearer plan of where we're going.... he's moving from Germany to the U.S. at the end of this month to live with me and do postgrad study on a student visa. His parents are unhappy... in fact I think they're partly in denial... but he's making this move for himself and for *us*, not for them.

But listen, Rosebud...
up until now, we were still "finding out".... and that's what you should be doing with your guy. Don't jump ahead into unknown worries about his parents... instead relax and let things unfold and develop with your young man. It will be all right.