Can our relationship work.. coz of his age?

Hi everyone...im new to this site, so first post here & first YM r'ship :) im 34 yrs old,seperated & have 2 beautiful young kids. i have recently met a wonderful man who is 20 yrs old, known him for 7 months & have been together as a couple for the past 3 months. He may be only be 20, but looks much older & better still so mature for his age,that you can honestly mistake him for a guy in his 30's.
I have a few questions that i would like answered tho...hopefully some of you might be going through the same age gap difference as myself.

I come from a mediterrean background,which mean my parents will disapprove of me dating someone so much younger.My sisters & friends know about him but they think hes 25.My man does know about me making him a few years older than his actual age & he's fine with it.Unfortunately society does judge on age,esp when someone is as young as 20. i love him dearly,and the feeling is def mutual.

My concerns are more on whats going to happen to our future - eg: he will always be 14 yrs my junior,will he still be attracted to me when im 50,am i most likely to get hurt-coz hes younger ? ??
Like i mentioned earlier i am 34... take good care of myself & look younger for my age.. but reality is... i will not look like this in 10 - 15 yrs time !!!

I love him dearly,and the feeling is definately mutual.


Can this relationship honestly work coz of his age?:confused:

Thank you for taking the time reading my post..look forward to your views-good or bad...hugz :p

In this country (and many others) a very high percentage of relationships don’t last in the long run.

So giving up a relationship that might have problems that cause it to break up some time in the future seems a fools game to me.

I believe in seizing the moment and not throwing away something that is for something that might never be.

But then again, I’m a man. ;)

I agree with Trueheart.

50% of all marriages in this country fail...and 2nd marriage failures are even higher. Don't know if this man is persuing an education, but if he's not, he most definitely should if he is so inclined.

How do your parents look? Do they look young for their age? Often people of Medditerranean descent don't age as quickly as some others. If your b/f looks older now, chances are he'll continue to look older more quickly than you do. Looks, over the long haul, are not so important. Love is.

My uncle is married to a woman who is several years older. Now, she is 80 and he is 73. She is Italian, and my uncle who smoked for almost 60 years, did not age well. He looks way older than her, in fact some people think she is his daughter. She has no gray hair at 80 and doesn't dye it. Barely a wrinkle on her face. They got married at 22 and 29....no way to predict how they ended up.

If you love this guy, just go with the flow and see what happens. Quit worrying and start living!!!

Thank you for replying..trueheart & kat7

My parents have always looked younger for their age & background is greek, im born & raised in Australia..
He is studying & working at the same time,which im happy about.i know the statics of marriages,i was married myself once..so not in any rush to get married again in the near future. My concern is i dont want to waste my life on someone if i think it will go nowhere..its more the fact of his age, that bothers me than the age gap itself.He still has so much learning to do & i dont want to be the one holding him back.i have lived my life i guess & hes just starting too.

He's always been attracted & dated older women,i guess its got to do with the fact hes very matured.Another problem is having children together in the future,dont think i want anymore & not fair on him if he does..
I love him very much, what do i do? :(

well, it's kinda funny....i ran into two friends of mine just today that I hadn't seen in about 5 years. They are 17 years apart in age. He is late 40's, she's early 60's and they've now been together for over 20 years. She had two kids when they met. They fell in love, but he would not commit to her for the first five years of dating. He wasn't sure if he wanted kids.....and on and on. Finally she said "it's time for me to move on" and broke up with him. He spent a few months on his own, and that's what it took for him to realize this was the woman he wanted to spend his life with. I talked to him at length today and he went on and on about "the grandkids." Of course, they're HERS, but he obviously had fully integrated himself into their lives. He runs their business, she is basically retired, and they seemed immensely happy.

There's one story.

But I would say, this is a serious discussion that you need to have.

Im not trying to be critical of you but I do not think you have your priorities in order.

You are seperated,not even divorced with 2 children to raise. I do not understand why you wish to jump into another relationship. First I would reflect on why your marriage failed and avoid repeating the mistake. Concentrate on your childrens welfare even planing how you will put them through college. I would say the same thing whether he was the same age or 10 years older. Remember anyone you decide to marry you are forcing on your children.

His age is almost not relevant here. By the time you enter your golden years,life expectancy will be over 90. You worry about him being attracted to you when you are 50,perhaps a 50 year old man would not be attracted to you when you are 50. Hopefully by then your relationship would be beyond physical attraction. Physical attraction is only the initial stages of a relationship. You also worry about what your parents and friends would say. For someone 34 this concern does not suggest maturity on your part. Dont you know by now what is right for yourself? It is only important that he compatable with you children. Children can resent even real nice guys as they are often used as pawns in a divorce.

My advise would be to get your divorce and life in order. Date this man if you wish but wait 3 to 5 years before getting married and do not live together beforehand,as kids are involved. If it is right it will stand this small test of time.

Dale

dale....firstly my kids will ALWAYS come first ova any man regardless of age. As for me rushing into another marriage that has not even crosed my mind yet,so have no idea why that was even mentioned.
yes i am seperated but that doesnt mean i have to wait until im divorced to date,some things arent planned & definately wasnt looking for anything either.
i came on here wanting to know if others can give me suggestions if his age in the long run will affect our r'ship & wanted to hear other experiences too.

im not planning to move in together anytime soon either ,yes my life still needs to be sorted obviously,esp after coming out of a long marriage.
He is a lovely,genuine man.. i love him & that i cant help!

thank you for taking the time writing to me :)

Hi Ms foxy,

I guess I felt nervous too after only 3 months of being with my (now) fiance....but in hindsight it was because we hadn't yet built any solid foundations for the relationship. The main glue keeping us together in the beginning was only lust, and so I guess it was natural to speculate whether the relationship would last, since lust in itself is not much of a glue in the long term.

We built our relationship foundations little by little.....by winning each other's trust through actions, through finding a greater purpose and happiness in our lives from being together, from creating something better in life than we could not do on our own. Its hard to explain, but the relationship can become more solid with time, and many fears were erased.

I say give it time, plod forward, and do your best:)

Ms Foxy

It was not intended for my reply to be condesending. Perhaps I misread you post. Your concern seemed to be what society or friends thought. If it feels right I would just do it and let them deal with it.

I had a relationship with a woman 21 years older that lasted 20 years until she unexpectedly died. She was a very wild unconventional type woman but she was always up front and honest with me. She was a former gymnast and ballet dancer. Even at 40 she could beat the tennis instructor down at the club and perform on a balance beam.

She was part Italian and part Indian (Incan) with perfect skin and complexion. At 40 she was still IDed at clubs and liquor stores. Age was not at all a factor. It is only a factor if you make it out to be. In your case the only factor might be how you both view having more children.

I dated older women because many women in my peer group were either not together intellectually or into the drug scene. Your extra age may may actually be viewed as a plus by him.

Currently I have been married for a long time to a woman 10 years older. I helped with 2 children which I treated as if they were my own. Our marriage is not all that it could be now but this has nothing to do with age. In fact right now she is in better shape than me as I drew some bad cards health wise. I am 56 and she is 66 and I am still physically attracted to her, but even if I were not it would make no difference. Good luck and I hope it works out for you. I sincerely mean that.

Dale

50 is not old, i am not there yet, i am 47 and i still get attention, it seems more now than ever. i am not flirtatious by the way.

i am married to some who is 26, we are 20 years apart, age has not hurt our attraction for each other, i hope to God, he keeps HIS health.

dale make a point, he is younger yet struggling with health issues, i dont like to be a doomsayer and say that most relationships break up anyway, so enjoy.

my perspective is that my relationship IS going to last, i hope so anyway, we are so entangled in each others business, there is NO way i could scoot him out the door.

actually i feel more secure if anything should happen to me, i know my husband would carry out my wishes, since i dont think i could ever live without him, because i LOVE him, he better outlast me!!!

I completely agree with True Heart. I'm dating an 18 year old at the moment, 11 years my junior, and we're moving in together this week with the full support of family and friends (though that was just a bonus, not a requisite).

Yes, his feelings may change as he matures emotionally. But is that really any reason not to be together now, giving it our best shot? Right now. we love each other. We make each other incredibly happy and have such fun together. That's all that matters to me.

Relationships fail every day, at any age, for any number of reasons. If none of us wanted to take the risk of falling in love, we'd all be very lonely.

I sure hope it can work, because I am working on a relationship where the age gap is 23 years, and I am no less serious about this because of the age age gap. Yes, doubts creep in all the time! He is an artist and was recently asked to do a nude portrait of a young thirty-something woman. I don't know when this will happen, but the thought of him looking at the nude body of someone twenty years my junior is spooky. He takes his work seriously and so while I feign jealousy, I am not really worried at all that anything will happen. They used nude models in art school...no biggy. (Geez, he's dating a doctor...how scary is that?) But I am worried that he will suddenly have this awakening that I really am old and that what he thinks is the perfect body, really won't be any more. So....I asked him about this and he answered that EVERYONE knows what a perfect 20-30 something nude body looks like. He said all you have to do is go purchase a copy of PLAYBOY. NOT everyone gets a chance to be loved like he is loved and to know that feeling of being captivated and even mesmerized by something that is REAL. Good answer...huh?

I'm with True Heart and the rest. Don't give up what is good and real for some fantasy of what COULD be!

One thing I notice over and over here (and in my own heart) is us worrying about whether it can last as we age and "look" older. Well, the same concern could be raised about same-age relationships. That is, what is to say that someone your age won't, in 10 years, trade you in for a younger model too? I don't mean to be so blunt, but it definitely happens.

I say we should embrace love when we are lucky enough to find it and enjoy. At the onset, I kept worrying about my much-younger guy leaving me b/c I was too old until I realized that a 40-something guy could do the same thing.

On another topic: Hey, guys. I got carded the other day. LOL! Yay! :p

One thing I notice over and over here (and in my own heart) is us worrying about whether it can last as we age and "look" older. Well, the same concern could be raised about same-age relationships. That is, what is to say that someone your age won't, in 10 years, trade you in for a younger model too? I don't mean to be so blunt, but it definitely happens.


I've always said that too.

Another thing is... my gf might not like the way I look in 10-20 years time. perhaps she'll trade me in for a younger model. :eek:

what, are those blue eyes gonna change?

don't think so!!

;)

I tend to agree with most of you on this...
I won't give up what is good and real for some fantasy of what COULD be!;)
I know we have a great thing going right now, so why end it right??


I have never dated someone so young before, & was concerned about him wanting to experience more things later down the track & leave me heartbrocken.
i was married to someone much older & had a brain of a child..but thats another story lol...

one thing i do know - when im with him i feel alive again..thats telling me something right there!!:D


Im wanting to hear more successful relationships with OW & VYM !!:)

CHEERS

foxy....your age dif down the road won't matter at all, as most have said here...although your concern that:

I have never dated someone so young before, & was concerned about him wanting to experience more things later down the track & leave me heartbrocken.

I think is something very real to consider...go in with your eyes wide open if you will. Your guy is in the vym (VERY young man) age bracket ...18-21, and many here now (myself included) and in the past have experienced exactly what you mention above: we had an amazing, loving, genuine, long term (mine was almost 4 years) relationship with a vym, and then he decides to leave and experience other things he "missed" by being in an full-fledged adult relationship with us so early on in his life.

Just go SLOWLY...build a strong foundation of honesty and communication...be open and public about everything, give him ROOM to grow up, DON'T "mother" him (make all his decisions, pay for college, co-sign on his motorcyle loan, etc....you get the idea). Just let him grow up for a few years while you sort through your divorce, etc. and enjoy each other..and see where it takes you.

I wish you the best.

One thing I notice over and over here (and in my own heart) is us worrying about whether it can last as we age and "look" older. Well, the same concern could be raised about same-age relationships. That is, what is to say that someone your age won't, in 10 years, trade you in for a younger model too? I don't mean to be so blunt, but it definitely happens.

I say we should embrace love when we are lucky enough to find it and enjoy. At the onset, I kept worrying about my much-younger guy leaving me b/c I was too old until I realized that a 40-something guy could do the same thing.



Wow, that is so true! Honestly, if I man (younger, same age, or older) is that tied up in how a woman looks, then he could be lured away by anyone else he finds more attractive at any time during the relationship. I guess that's where a person needs to know that the guy they are with places value on other qualities of the relationship....not just the physical attraction.

Reread Special K's post over and over again until you have it almost memorized. Truer words have never been spoken!

You and I have very similiar age differences. My VYM is 19 and I'm 33.

You do need to give him space to grow. While I pray we stay together I have come to accept that one day he may decide to pursue someone else (especially since he is so young.).

Most people talk about how a VYM can be almost intoxicating in how they make you feel and I agree. They almost have you revisiting that freedom in your life when love was just love and not pain/work/compromise mixed in.

While there's nothing wrong with the way they see love, it can give them a change of heart once they realize that love isn't just love but it is a combination of love, respect, pulling one's weight, compromise, and even sometimes failure.

Me and my VYM have been able to weather these changes so far, but there is no guarantee that we will always. While all relationships have the same struggles I think ones with VYM tend to have more significant struggles.

Take it one day at a time and be thankful for the experience even if it doesn't last.

I must admit that I don't have any experience with a YM - I am a newbie on my way there. However, I do think that if I am looking for a serious relationship with a YM, I would not want to do so with someone as young as 20yrs old. At such a young age that guy is "finding himself", enjoying the freedom of "young adulthood" and needs to do so. If I were attracted to someone that young - I would give him the freedom of "finding himself" for a few years - and if we are still attracted to each other when he is in his mid-twenties - I'll go for it. However, if it is just "fun times" that you are looking for, that's different.

Hey - this is just my opinion and I am a newbie at this OW/YM relationship experience.

All due respect chrisy, and I know you're new, but very many of us here are in very happy long term relationships that began with the young man 20 or younger.

My partner is 23 and we've been together 5 years.

He's got NO interest in exploring his "young adulthood". By that I assume you mean partying and sleeping with lots of girls?

Depends on the guy. You couldn't get mine into a noisy club if you paid him lots of money.

And there is absolutely no reason he can't "find himself" in a loving relationship just as well as out of it.

I wasn't LOOKING for a serious relationship with a man his age, none of us were, that would be silly. But it found me. He found me.

I would give him the freedom of "finding himself" for a few years

Sometimes that isn't your choice. He had no intentions of playing around. The thing we've beat to death is the myth that it's up to the wiser older woman to decide which direction the relationship is going. That's not a relationship, that's a dictatorship.

I wasn't LOOKING for a serious relationship with a man his age, none of us were, that would be silly. But it found me. He found me.


Isn't that the truth! ;)

Im new here and need advice please
I am a young 51yr woman in a 'friendship' with a 34 yr old man "T". I struggle with the fact that he is so young. We met on MATCH 18 months ago - and initailly I ignored his winks but then took time to read his profile. We chatted and I met him after 3 weeks of pleasant chatting.

HERE is my issue... when we first met, he made it very clear to me what his friendship with me entailed... and going against everything I stood for I accepted his terms which were casual meetings at my home and "no lines to be crossed".
I was very vunerable at the time. After 6 months I found out that "T" was living with a 21 year old girl he had known since she was 18 so I broke it off with him. He sent me email after email begging me not to break with him. After a while I started the friendship up again after he explained that they had an open relationship. I have since tried to break up with him on several occassions due to his living situation, but he begs me to rethink.

I really enjoy his company - he truly is a very sweet man (I know it doesn't sound like it - but he is) We went to lunch for the first time last week and he wants to take me to dinner soon. He has been phoning me (not texting or emailing) and it appears is 'into' our friendship more than ever. He still says that he does not want any 'lines crossed' but my feeling is that he is showing me more affection than the past. Almost looks like there is emotion now. He has always been the utmost gentleman in his kindness in offering to help me around the house etc.,

I have never had a casual fling like this before and it was a hard struggle for me BUT for the fact that he is such a lovely/ loving man... it just seems to me that it is turning into a relationship now.

Has anyone got any input as to what I have here? I still struggle with his age and the fact he has a live in g/f.
There has never been mention of us becoming g/f-b/f but he does not want to give up our friendship. Confusing eh?

OR am I simply stupid???????? :confused: :eek:

Not confusing at all. Why WOULD he want to give you up? It has nothing to do with wanting the cow - he's getting the milk for free!!

You have a WHOLE lotta issues that have nothing to do with the age gap.

You agreed to this arrangement and keep agreeing to it. It doesn't sound like a relationship to me - you are a booty call.

If you meant anything more to him, he would not still be sleeping with the live-in girlfriend.

You are the other woman and I wouldn't be slightly surprised if she doesn't know she's even in an "open" relationship.

Tell him no more sex until he moves out from the girlfriend. You'll find out real quick if this "relationship" has any future.

Then find a guy who wants ALL of you, not just your body.

I agree with Kristin, but there are all kinds of relationships. Some women would be okay with this level of involvement for whatever reason. But the fact is, you want more, that's evident in your post. Try her test and see what happens. You'll have your answer.

He sees your vulnerablity, trust me. He's using it to his advantage, despite the fact that he's a "very loving man." Well and good, but I don't think this is worth the pain for you.

Not to encourage a hijack or anything...but I didn't read that geegirl WAS having sex with this ym yet at all.

If that's the case (and you're not having sex, geegirl), then what I have to say is that the age gap is a TOTAL non issue....he is a grown man at 34, your age dif is small compared to many of ours here, etc. You two probably don't even look like you are in totally different age brackets or anything. My issue would be with his intentions....centered around the live-in girlfriend. I know he seems like a sweety, and things sound for the most part platonic at this point....but while he is living with someone else? I personally wouldn't let it go any further, and actually do as you did before and say that the "friendship" can't continue unless he is absolutely free to be a friend. Because you and I both know that with the affection, and time you are spending with each other (and the attraction it sounds like), it wouldn't be long before you'd be "more than friends" and then have to face a potential ton of heartache trying to back-pedal from there.

But, no, you are not nuts, and no, I don't think your age gap in itself is anything to worry about at all. I turn 50 in a couple of months, so we are close in age....my bf is 27.....it would feel peachy-keen if he were all of 34 just because the age dif wouldn't feel so great...but, oh well:)
Wish you the best,
Karen

in a 'friendship'
he made it very clear to me what his friendship with me entailed... and going against everything I stood for I accepted his terms which were casual meetings at my home
had a casual fling like this before
he explained that they had an open relationship
but I didn't read that geegirl WAS having sex with this ym yet at all.
I think she said it plenty of times without actually saying it, SK? Otherwise why put "friendship" in quotes? What would it be going against? How else to define a casual fling? What would it matter to have an "open relationship" with the girlfriend if he wasn't having sex with her?

Special K: Thanks for your thoughts, we've been intimate since day one...shameful and foolish I know....by the time I found out about the g/f he had me hooked. I guess my issue here is, it was supposed to be casual and non meaningful (for him)which I've found difficult - hence my backing away from him but he came after me each time. He has never made any promises of monogomy with me but as you rightly stated, emotion has set in place and heartache is inevitable...

Kristin / Kat7: I think you hit the nail on the head with him - I WAS a booty call BUT I feel thru his recent actions there is a relationship of sorts developing - he says he thinks of me constantly and wants to be around me. He however, still does not want a 1 on 1 relationship with anyone as he has been married twice and cheated on by both wives. He says that he will just settle with a platonic friendship if I wish to end the intimacy - For me thats hard cuz I'M HOOKED. It is so very flattering to me that he finds me attractive and that he's so attentive - intimacy has never been like this before - Im sure WE ALL know what I mean by this...

Just seems like the friendship is rolling into a relationship and maybe I should give it a little more time? Sometimes it takes a little longer for some men to come outa the wood to notice the trees.

Lord knows it is so hard to find a 'good' man these days especially one that is young, good looking, kind, compatable and free of drink/drugs.

Thanks again for your thoughts... I would be saying exactly the same to you ...

Hey people...just want to tell you that since i read all your posts & advices ive decided to continue my r'ship with my VYM regardless of his age.
He loves me & i love him...

I still think my parents will have a hard time dealing with his age,but i am a grown woman & can make my own decisions. The majority here say that most likely it wont last long term,coz he still has alot of 'growing up' to do..
im taking it one day at a time & if its meant to be then it is... :)

Glad to hear it...

Just wanted to give everyone an update- unfortunately our relationship did not work out even though it was prolly the best thing to do. i am sad bout the break up & guess need some time to heal.:(
He still wants us to remain friends,call each other even catch up & i dont know if its the right thing to do for the fact we both still have strong feelings for each other.whats your view on this?


Cheers
Foxy

you should call the shots on this one. depends on how painful it is to hear from him. if you are just longing to get back with him every time he calls to "catch up" then you shouldn't talk to him...at least until you don't care in a romantic way anymore.

Sorry to hear things didn't work out, but I'm glad you gave it a shot anyway.

As far as continuing a friendship with him, give yourself some time to heal before making a final decision. You may find that with a little space you can reconnect as friends, since the relationship was overall short-term.

But I agree, you call the shots on it. If it's too painful to stay friends then cut your losses and move on.

Keep us posted either way.