I need to get over myself.....

Hi all! I am new to this site....and would love some relationship advice from those of you in the same boat!!
I am 39 and have been dating my BF of 29 on and off for the last two years. I say on and off because about every six months I get entirely freaked out about the age gap and end up worrying myself into a frenzy, which ultimately leads to a short term breakup. This rollercoaster has caused us alot of problems and I am trying to fix my mindset so that this time we can stay together for good.
Problem is, I cannot seem to stop wondering if my younger man is going to get tired of me, want someone younger or just plain change his mind about being with an older woman! I look younger than my age...but so does he, so one can definitely see the age difference between us. I have been told that I am very attractive - most men that approach me are between 25 and 28 years old....HOWEVER I cannot help but wonder how he'll feel about me 10 years from now. Men seem to age much more "gracefully" than women.
He says all the right things and tells me the age difference is not an issue for him and that if I can't let go of it, we'll never be able to get married and live "happily ever after". His parents love me, my parents love him and we really love each other, so why can't I accept that he's happy with me even though I don't look like a 23 year old girl? We've both been married before - and his ex-wife was also 10 years older than he is (they divorced because she cheated on him) so I know that the interest in older women is not just a passing fancy with him....but I can't seem to get it out of my mind!!! Help!!

Welcome to AL! If he left a relaionship with someone 10 years older than him and took up with you (also 10 years older) I think you may have your answer about how significant this age gap is. Its either 1) not very important to him, or 2) part of the attraction. I agree that men age differently, but its more than that. Society glorifies in older men the very things that it disparages in older women. Men are allowed their wrinkles and gray hair; makes them ruggedly handsome. Women with wrinkles and gray hair are thought of as haggard. I say stop worrying! (Understand that I have the same problem though, and have not figured out how to just let loose and enjoy....lol.)

I'd recommend getting a cup of coffee or tea and reading the thread that is stickied above in this forum called "We women are our own worst enemies". It says it all. Then come back and tell us what ya think!

BTW, I am 33 years older than my bf and I don't look 30, I look older than that, and he's loved me now for about three years. I'm 54 years young.

And the thing is that no matter how much assurance you seek from him, no one can promise you what they will do in the future. All they can do is love you now and assume they always will. There NEVER is a guarantee in ANY relationship, older or younger. People can stay together forever, or breakup.

BUT, all the worry about it and breaking up to protect yourself from an imagined loss down the road is making you experience the loss over and over again. It is better to just enjoy what you have now and let the future be what it will be.

Each time you break up, you lose him. And so you experience the very hurt you wish to avoid. And in time, you may finally convince him you're right and then he will be gone.

Just as when someone says you look nice, the right response is to smile and say thanks. The wrong thing is to say, oh, you're just being polite, I look fat.

It is easy to worry, but but it accomplishes nothing. You may get reassuarance from him that makes you feel good temporarily, but the insecurity is in your head and you are the one who needs to accept that you are lovable now and always.

FortyishCutie, read Softsong's post again:

And the thing is that no matter how much assurance you seek from him, no one can promise you what they will do in the future. All they can do is love you now and assume they always will. There NEVER is a guarantee in ANY relationship, older or younger. People can stay together forever, or breakup.

BUT, all the worry about it and breaking up to protect yourself from an imagined loss down the road is making you experience the loss over and over again. It is better to just enjoy what you have now and let the future be what it will be.

Each time you break up, you lose him. And so you experience the very hurt you wish to avoid. And in time, you may finally convince him you're right and then he will be gone.

Just as when someone says you look nice, the right response is to smile and say thanks. The wrong thing is to say, oh, you're just being polite, I look fat.

It is easy to worry, but but it accomplishes nothing. You may get reassuarance from him that makes you feel good temporarily, but the insecurity is in your head and you are the one who needs to accept that you are lovable now and always.


FortyishCutie, you're single (e.g., not married - I'm assuming) so apparently the same age relationships didn't lead to happily ever after, right? (Don't take that the wrong way - I'm single too!) So why put so much pressure on this relationship? When evaluating whether you want a relationship with him, look at him as a man, not a younger man. As a man, is this someone you want to be with? Evaluate him/the relationship on level-ground criteria.

However, IF you have determined that the age gap is too stressful for you, then perhaps you need to just end the relationship once and for all, instead of putting you and him through this kind of trauma.

I decided that if I was going to date YM (which I do, as well as men my own age as of late :eek: ), I couldn't be constantly freaked out about whether they were looking at the inevitable signs of aging written on me. If they're looking at you, they're seeing the signs...and check this out: They're still there, talking to you, laughing with you, loving you.

Like you said: Get over yourself, Grrl! ;)

Thanks so much for all the advice - everyone of you make good points, and although I already know that this is something I have to deal with in my own mind, it makes it easier to hear some encouragement from others.;)

I realize that ultimately there is no guarantee in any relationship - even if the two people are a "perfect" match...meaning that there is little disparity between their ages, spiritual beliefs, educational backgrounds, family upbringing, etc. I have read so many articles about how long to date someone before getting serious - how long to wait until marriage, all the "how to's" of making a relationship work...but I really don't believe that a perfect recipe for relationship success exists...everyone is so different.

Honestly, I don't know why I am so afraid of being hurt by HIM since it is usually me that causes the problems. I do not want to lose him this time around which is why I'm looking for answers on how to let go of some of the insecurities and allow myself to love him with all my heart.

Thanks again for the advice!!

It sounds to me like you are boobytrapping your relationship. Just relax and enjoy it or you might end up ruining everything.

Like Bubs said, please read my thread "We women are our own worst enemy" and THINK about what you are doing every time you open your mouth with a negative comment. Patricia is right.. you are boobytrapping yourself; I know as I have done it in the past! PLUS at your age, YOU, Missy, are still a youngin and really should not be having those thoughts~ so yes, GET OVER YOURSELF!:p

My best to ya~

I think the only reason he might get tired of you is if you keep breaking his heart like that and splitting up from him.....its a lot to put a person through, you know?

Theres always a negative way of looking at things, but also a positive way too. It sounds like you need to train yourself to be a bit more positive about your relationship, you know? By being negative, you're hurting two important people in your life...yourself, and the man you love!

Like Bubs said, please read my thread "We women are our own worst enemy" and THINK about what you are doing every time you open your mouth with a negative comment. Patricia is right.. you are boobytrapping yourself; I know as I have done it in the past! PLUS at your age, YOU, Missy, are still a youngin and really should not be having those thoughts~ so yes, GET OVER YOURSELF!:p

My best to ya~

I know you're right - I just don't know how to change the way I feel about it. I just turned 39 a few days ago and this year the age thing really hit me....probably because I'm now almost 40. Maybe 39 is "young" in the grand sceme of things, but let's face it....I'm almost middle aged!

Even little things can set off my insecurity....like for example yesterday we were in Home Depot and there was this pretty twenty something cashier. She was eyeing my guy (he's a good looking dude) and I wondered if he noticed. So out at the truck I mentioned her and asked him what he thought - he said he thought she was pretty, but that he wasn't attracted to her or anything because he's in love with me. Now, by that comment I can't help but think that although he loves me, he'd be much happier with me if I looked like her. I look good for my age - I've never had kids and I work out every day and am in as good of shape as any 25 year old, and although my face looks younger than my age, I certainly could never be mistaken for a 25 year old.

So, ladies - honestly, how do you stop thinking that although your men may find younger women attractive they are satisfied with you? Please help me here - I absolutely HATE that I am like this....but I seriously do not know how to stop thinking the way that I do. I'd love to hear from you guys about this too - from a male perspective, what are you thinking when you're confronted with a woman who is interested in you that is as attractive or more attractive than the woman that you are with?

I guess you could always say I have been the jealous type (both my mother and my grandmother tho' good looking women were extremely jealous of their husbands when they first married) largely because of my own insecurities, but also because I have witnessed SO many men continue to ogle, flirt with, and comment about women they find attractive even when they are in a commited relationship with another attractive woman. As I have gotten older I have become more confident about who I am - my intelligence, my success, my social skills, etc. BUT I am less confident about physical appearance because I am getting older.

Am I the only one that feels like this? Is there anyone else who has a hard time believing that a man can actually be satisfied with one woman?:(

OMG - if you keep up with the insecuries you will lose him! It will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you can't get a grip on your sense of inferiority and worries, then you are not cut out for this kind of relationship. I know this is harsh, but it is the truth. Age-gap relationships are not for the faint-hearted! I have heard things like "oh she likes younger men, because she's going thru a mid-life crisis and he makes her feel young" - what??? yeah - right! Nothing will make you realize your age more than loving a much younger man - what a load of bs! Get counseling, talk with friends you trust, whatever you have to do, but do it fast and STOP voicing and acting out your fears with this guy - or watch him pack and move on. I truly hope you do this, because the sweetest love I have ever known has been with a much younger man. It didn't last as long as I had hoped, but I wouldn't take back one minuite of it.;)

so why can't I accept that he's happy with me even though I don't look like a 23 year old girl?


He probably finds you attractive BECAUSE you don't look like a 23 year old girl. he probably finds you attractive because you look like a 'woman'.

My gf is 44, I'm 26. She has 5 years on you and your bf has 3 years on me. I still find my gf attractive. Heck, I find Meryl Streep attractive, and she's 57. I posted her photo on that va va voom thread. Bubblee's guy finds her attractive, she's a fair bit older than you. Ditto Bella and her guy. Many more examples too.

Is the old body thread still going? That might help as well.

Really, you're just going to have to learn to take his word for it.

Even little things can set off my insecurity....like for example yesterday we were in Home Depot and there was this pretty twenty something cashier. She was eyeing my guy (he's a good looking dude) and I wondered if he noticed. So out at the truck I mentioned her and asked him what he thought - he said he thought she was pretty, but that he wasn't attracted to her or anything because he's in love with me. Now, by that comment I can't help but think that although he loves me, he'd be much happier with me if I looked like her. I look good for my age - I've never had kids and I work out every day and am in as good of shape as any 25 year old, and although my face looks younger than my age, I certainly could never be mistaken for a 25 year old.


Ya know, you don't have to GET IT, you just have to ACCEPT IT. They are different things!

I am 54....fifty four!!....my boyfriend is in his early 20's. I used to look in the mirror and say, OMG, I look old. Now I look in the mirror at myself and say, "You know I just don't get it" smile at myself and move on. Because I don't have to "get it" do I? I just have to accept the fact that a handsome, smart young man is in love with me, and has been for a few years now.

Phil looks a little like Matt Damon. The girls notice him all the time at stores. He says, "they notice me because of you, because you love me and have helped make me the man I am today".

If you don't cut it out, a few of us are gonna have to hunt you down and give you a few good shakes, lol.

I have to agree with louisianagirl here ................ If you keep questioning his love for you etc., you ARE going to drive him away.

Having read your posts I feel that at lot of you insecurities come from paying far too much attention to the media hype that tries to convince us that any woman over the age of 25 is well and truly over the hill!! This may have been the case in 1906 when the average female life expectancy was around 48, although, I doubt it. LOL

I learnt a very valuable lesson a few years ago, and that was if you start thinking of yourself as old, you become old!! Age really is a state of mind, so stop defining yourself by a mere number and start defining yourself as a WOMAN

I am 50 and I sure don't consider myself anywhere near middle-aged :D I know for sure that my gorgeous 30yo b/f sees me as the funny, lively, beautiful etc. WOMAN that he adores and I wouldn't dream of insulting him by trying to convince him that he doesn't know his own mind and would prefer to be with someone his own age or younger.

That or there just might be a relationship-fear going on there... meaning, you're just afraid to commit, fullstop.

Do you think that might really be the reason?

Hi FortyishCutie,

Hon, I have a bunch of `positive thinking' kinda books in my shelves which I picked up at bargain book clearance a few years back. I really hate them as much as I love them:)) But I've read every one of them, and I've learned a ton from them even if readinf them seems a bit too much like a Tony Robbins seminar sometimes.

Mostly what I got out of those books was this message: `how you feel is greatly influenced by how you think', and that `you can discipline yourself to give yourself positive reinforcment instead of negative messages, and therefore feel better'

So when a bunch of negative-reinforcment type thinking pops into your head, push it away and give yourself some positive reinforcment instead. If you do this habitually, you'll feel a ton better!

Hey but you might be fighting hormonal influences, which can keep you in a state of semi-depression. It might be worth getting yourself checked out physically too.

PS. There are certainly a ton of environmental influences around us which spew out negative reinforcment towards older women.....like when was the last time you saw a 40+ romantic heroin in movie? Or a non conventional beauty featured in an advertisment? It seems that anyone who doesn't look 12, white, and skinny is totally censored out of the media altogether, and that serves as a powerful form of negative reinofrcment for women.

But it still doesn't compare to what you tell yourself.....the put downs, the thoughts being inferior, the belief that you are unlovable....

You really can change this way of thinking, but it takes a bit of conscious work to be your best supporter and best friend....

It's not the age, it's the person, or the couple. You can never know what is going to happen in the future, so don't worry.

Hugs,
Ali

I know you're right - I just don't know how to change the way I feel about it. I just turned 39 a few days ago and this year the age thing really hit me....probably because I'm now almost 40. Maybe 39 is "young" in the grand sceme of things, but let's face it....I'm almost middle aged!

Even little things can set off my insecurity....like for example yesterday we were in Home Depot and there was this pretty twenty something cashier. She was eyeing my guy (he's a good looking dude) and I wondered if he noticed. So out at the truck I mentioned her and asked him what he thought - he said he thought she was pretty, but that he wasn't attracted to her or anything because he's in love with me. Now, by that comment I can't help but think that although he loves me, he'd be much happier with me if I looked like her. I look good for my age - I've never had kids and I work out every day and am in as good of shape as any 25 year old, and although my face looks younger than my age, I certainly could never be mistaken for a 25 year old.

So, ladies - honestly, how do you stop thinking that although your men may find younger women attractive they are satisfied with you? Please help me here - I absolutely HATE that I am like this....but I seriously do not know how to stop thinking the way that I do. I'd love to hear from you guys about this too - from a male perspective, what are you thinking when you're confronted with a woman who is interested in you that is as attractive or more attractive than the woman that you are with?

I guess you could always say I have been the jealous type (both my mother and my grandmother tho' good looking women were extremely jealous of their husbands when they first married) largely because of my own insecurities, but also because I have witnessed SO many men continue to ogle, flirt with, and comment about women they find attractive even when they are in a commited relationship with another attractive woman. As I have gotten older I have become more confident about who I am - my intelligence, my success, my social skills, etc. BUT I am less confident about physical appearance because I am getting older.

Am I the only one that feels like this? Is there anyone else who has a hard time believing that a man can actually be satisfied with one woman?:(

My goodness.....these sounds so familiar.....
You're sounds very intelligence and attractive! *It's an observation..*
It's about insecurity.
Of course, there are many diff. types of men out there....some are one-lady man and some are not.
To make a long story short. I vividly remembered that I didn't even looked or made eyes contact with waitresses in restaurants at all when ordering foods.
I only looked at the menu and then sipped my drinks and changed the subject....
because I know she didn't like it at all.
But that's what I would handle in a situation like that.
Just MHO.... :D

My goodness.....these sounds so familiar.....
You're sounds very intelligence and attractive! *It's an observation..*
It's about insecurity.
Of course, there are many diff. types of men out there....some are one-lady man and some are not.
To make a long story short. I vividly remembered that I didn't even looked or made eyes contact with waitresses in restaurants at all when ordering foods.
I only looked at the menu and then sipped my drinks and changed the subject....
because I know she didn't like it at all.
But that's what I would handle in a situation like that.
Just MHO.... :D

Ha! Sounds like you had a jealous woman like me! You have my sympathy! :rolleyes: Actually, my BF goes out of his way most of the time to make sure I don't get the "wrong idea" in the way that he looks at or talks to other women. There are never any comments made about girls he sees in real life or on tv (except when I probe like I did with the girl at Home Depot - then he is honest and will say if he finds the person attractive). Did your GF ever get over it, or did you utlimately split up because you couldn't handle her jealousy?

Although many have posted that my insecurities will drive my guy away, I tend to disagree since he's been putting up with it for nearly two years now....probably because he is also very jealous of me. He doesn't flip out the way that I do when I am feeling threatened, but he lets me know that I've hurt his feelings (i.e. if he feels I'm staring at or flirting with a guy)..HOWEVER I do believe that my negative thoughts are destroying my self esteem and although my BF probably wouldn't leave me over it, I'm certainly not helping to make his life as happy and fulfilling as it could be, and that makes me feel awful.

I actually got a very nice email from my mother yesterday with some helpful words of advice....from one jealous woman (in her younger days) to another! She said that in most cases a man does not leave a woman simply because a "better" looking woman comes along and shows interest in him. If he chooses to leave, it will likely be because another woman is able to make him happier than I can. SO, bottom line - no need to worry about the part that I can't control (him seeing better looking women) when it is entirely within MY power to make him happy.

Thank you once again for all of your comments and suggestions....it really helps me get things into perspective. I think many of you are a little older than I am and I don't know if the acceptance of self comes with age, or if its just something that some of us struggle with more than others. I certainly had hoped to have "grown" out of it by 39! I am VERY hard on myself - never have understood why people tell me I'm attractive, or that I have a nice figure.....because I don't see it! I know I need to start looking at myself as beautiful and stop picking myself apart if I am ever to change my belief that my guy can't be happy with just me.
:p

You'll be okay. You're still young!

Peace

FortyishCutie....honey.....your gap is miniscule. Do you think all the men in the US who are 10 years older than their wives fear that they will leave them when they get bald and paunchy? (some may, but I'd venture to say most don't even think about it because a 10-year gap is SO NORMAL in om/ym relationships).

Here's where I laughed out loud... you mentioned that men seem to "age gracefully" more than women. I 100% do not think that is true at all. Anyone who has perused the 45-55 year old men's profiles with pics on any given match/dating site and compared it to the women of the same ages on the same site would be appalled at how middle-aged men in general "let themselves go". And heck, they don't even have makeup to offer a bit of help.


This, of course, excludes all of the ultra hot older men on ageless :) (mostly posting on the other side of the board) and the small percentage of the male population in general who "get it" that working out a bit, eating right, dressing for the new century rather than for the 70's, trimming nose hairs, etc., helps them "age gracefully".;)

Here's where I laughed out loud... you mentioned that men seem to "age gracefully" more than women. I 100% do not think that is true at all. Anyone who has perused the 45-55 year old men's profiles with pics on any given match/dating site and compared it to the women of the same ages on the same site would be appalled at how middle-aged men in general "let themselves go". And heck, they don't even have makeup to offer a bit of help.


Well, I guess you're right...what I probably should have said was that society in general seems to be more accepting of aging in men than in women. I know alot of women that really don't care so much if their guy is losing his hair, dresses ****ty, is overweight, has wrinkles, etc.....but I have never met a GUY who doesn't care if his woman looks less that "hot". It amazes me how many men with a huge pot belly will turn around and talk about how "fat" their wife has gotten because she's gained 20 lbs since they got married!!!
I suspect my YM will be less attractive when he reaches my age than I am - but I am not with him solely because of his looks, so it really doesn't matter to me. If more men accepted that women's bodies change after kids, and that there is nothing wrong with a little "character"on a woman's face, then many of us wouldn't make ourselves crazy about trying to stay younger looking forever.

I know alot of women that really don't care so much if their guy is losing his hair, dresses ****ty, is overweight, has wrinkles, etc.....but I have never met a GUY who doesn't care if his woman looks less that "hot". It amazes me how many men with a huge pot belly will turn around and talk about how "fat" their wife has gotten because she's gained 20 lbs since they got married!!!

Really?

I honestly don't have any male friends like that....that must be awful to hear! My first advice is to drop ALL of those friends and find some good ones. Do you think this is a generation thing?

. If more men accepted that women's bodies change after kids, and that there is nothing wrong with a little "character"on a woman's face, then many of us wouldn't make ourselves crazy about trying to stay younger looking forever.

I really care about my appearance but I'm not going to make myself crazy about trying to stay younger looking forever because of a man. FORGET ABOUT IT. I take care of myself because it is important to ME and the way I feel about myself.

I work with a guy who says "hey beautiful" and waves when he sees me in the hall now and then. He's not hitting on me. He's 12 years younger, happily married, crazy about his kids, etc. He calls me beautiful because he thinks my inner beauty shines through. Period. If I am a beautiful person it is because I am beautiful inside and outside as well.

I earned every wrinkle I have. I'm proud of who I am, my age (54) and how I had to fight like hell to get where I am. What some guy who focuses on looks thinks of me is completely irrelevant, IMHO.

I guess I live in an alternate universe from the rest of you gals.....

I guess some guys can be hung up on looks...but if a guy really loves you. looks don't matter so much.

My previous relationship, I went from 110 lbs to 150lbs over a year or so because he loved taking me out to dinner and all that. Never once did the words you're fat or you need to loose weight or you let yourself go come out of his mouth. He was the first guy I had ever been with that was not hung up on that.

after he died, i got discouraged because I was SO depressed and felt like I was going to have to compete with all the skinny 20 something girls out there again...but, now, I remember what I learned. My sweetie now actually prefers I am a little squishy...more to love, he says. If someone really loves you...stuff like that doesn't matter. Love yourself and someone else will too :)

I know alot of women that really don't care so much if their guy is losing his hair, dresses ****ty, is overweight, has wrinkles, etc.....but I have never met a GUY who doesn't care if his woman looks less that "hot". It amazes me how many men with a huge pot belly will turn around and talk about how "fat" their wife has gotten because she's gained 20 lbs since they got married!!!


I do know one guy like that, he's really not so hot and has a potbelly and he makes fun of women who are heavier... but he's all alone. He hasn't had a girlfriend/date in years. For the most part, all the guys I know are much more forgiving of flaws in a woman than you described, thank goodness!!

Most guys I know are pretty decent as far as realizing women have a right to age too. It totally depends on the type of person! If you are hanging around with a bunch of image-conscious stock brokers, then I could see that.

We're 28 years apart.

I like looking ok, just because I like looking ok. He likes me just fine no matter what.

Today I was running around in pajama pants, flip flops, baggy t-shirt, no shower yet, hair on end. Grungy and cleaning. And he still gets frisky.

He's long stated that he doesn't want a Barbie doll, he wants a real human woman.

I'm 51 years old. I look ok for 51, but 51 none the less. I keep the gray down, I moisturize, nothing to do with him, I've done the same routine for years.

You make them crazy by obsessing. If he's going to find someone else, if that's the kind of man he is, your looks don't mean jack. Look at Christie Brinkley, look at Halle Barry. If looks are the reason men cheat, and they can be cheated on, what chance would the rest of us have?

A good honorable man isn't going to leave you for greener pastures, just because of looks.

We're 28 years apart.

I like looking ok, just because I like looking ok. He likes me just fine no matter what.

Today I was running around in pajama pants, flip flops, baggy t-shirt, no shower yet, hair on end. Grungy and cleaning. And he still gets frisky.

He's long stated that he doesn't want a Barbie doll, he wants a real human woman.

I'm 51 years old. I look ok for 51, but 51 none the less. I keep the gray down, I moisturize, nothing to do with him, I've done the same routine for years.

You make them crazy by obsessing. If he's going to find someone else, if that's the kind of man he is, your looks don't mean jack. Look at Christie Brinkley, look at Halle Barry. If looks are the reason men cheat, and they can be cheated on, what chance would the rest of us have?

A good honorable man isn't going to leave you for greener pastures, just because of looks.

That is wonderful - you're a lucky woman to have found a man who loves you for who you are! I really am beginning to feel that my man has loved me that same way all along, but that it has taken me nearly 2 years to be able to accept it. I still hate looking at photos of us because I think it is painfully obvious that he is younger than I am - but he doesn't care, so I guess why should I?

You are SO right about looks not being enough to keep a man from cheating if he is that way inclined...my mother has told me the same thing. I don't believe mine would ever cheat on me - I just want him to be as proud of me as I am of him.

Honey, my YM always says I'll make my own worst fears come true. Relax. And that goes for all aspects of life, I guess, right?