How young is too young?

Hi, I really don't know where to begin with this thread. Im seeking advice on my relationship with a very young man. I am 43yrs and he is 20yrs and we met online. What Im wondering is, have i lost my mind? I have dated younger men but have never dated anyone this young, or with such an age gap. He found me and had been relentlessly pursuing me for sometime before i started to see him differently. He has been very open with his feelings and has given me room to digest all of this. He has made me feel things i dont remember feeling, Im head over heels with him and its hard to believe he is only 20yrs. A part of me is so hesitant but the other part of me says why not. So, I know there are many threads in here on this issue but id like to hear some of the women that have had or are in a large gap relationship with a very young man. Im just wondering what is the invisable line of too young? and how do i know if i have crossed it. Any information would be appreciated. We live in different countries and he is coming to visit next month. Thank you in advance....

Sunshine:(

Won't know 'til ye give it a shot!! Different countries is rough, but lots folks here have done it!! BTW YER HOT!! Honk!! ;)

I think beyond the legal lines, there is no clear cut answer. I happen to believe there are individuals who really ARE older than their chronological age. I think an OW who is engaging in a relationship with a VYM really has a lot of reponsibility to not take advantage. A VYM is really vulnerable and impressionable in many ways. But don't overlook the possibility that you really ARE exactly what he wants and needs. I have a 23 year AG and also met my YM online. At first the relationship was one of simply playing an online game together. Then I took on a role of sort of a personal mentor, as we chatted and came to know one another. I was unhappily married at the time and NEVER once thought of this YM as boyfriend material, only as a "kid" not much older than my son, who I could relate to because of my son and because we had sooo much in common. He was rooting for my marriage, but was clearly invested in the friendship.

Cutting to the chase, we met, marriage ended and he pursued. Took me a loooong time to wrap my head around the idea that this could ever be more than a friendship, although I certainly felt a physical attraction to him. Then one day I thought, "Why am I fighting this?", and BOOM....hooked...totally hooked on him. Then a weird thing happened. HE became MY mentor and now I feel like we are total equals in the relationship. He has me convinced that I am what he wants, and I agree with the thing about feeling things you don't remember feeling. This is not just any 26 year old! This is not just any relationship!

Too young is under 18 (in most of the US anyway). Don't ever do anything illegal like a Mary Kay Laterno type thing.

If someone is 18 or older, and you both like how the relationship feels, there isn't any reason why you shouldn't pursue it.

Some people won't like it, but then some people don't like the Yankees ...which proves they are just jealous. ;)

Is 20 to young? I don't think so... my husband just turned 21 in June :p

Is 20 to young? I don't think so... my husband just turned 21 in June :p

Well that does it. Now he's too old!

You are doing exactly the same thing that the rest of us do.

It does feel weird and uncomfortable at first. In fact, it still feels weird an uncomfortable for me. My man is still viewed as a "teenager" (he's 19) and that bothers the bejeezus out of me, I won't lie. But I deserve to be happy and in love and if he wants that with me why am I fighting it? He's old enough to decide who he wants to love and fortunately for me, it's me. :D

But get ready for all the differences that occur when dating a YM. As I learned from the women here, you are both at different stages in your life which can really add an aspect to your relationship you weren't expecting! Sometimes it can be enough to make or break you.

Good luck on your new relationship!

Hi Sunshine! Well, I think the age "limit" thing really depends on what you want out of the relationship. I have "dated" quite a few YM, but only became serious with 3 of them. The really young ones were attractive and fun, but I never really gave them any real consideration because I know who I am and I know what I need from a man, and they really were just too young to provide that.
One thing that I will tell you from my own experience is that I have found that if the relationship is largely based on sex (and lets face it, that can be an incredible attraction to the OW/YM relationship) with little else in common, then there isn't much hope for a future together. A great physical connection is wonderful, but a guy has to be able to provide me with more than that in order to make me believe that our relationship is more than just a passing fancy.

Good words from all of you. Petty much, you'll just have to see for yourself. There's success stories and failures on both ends. Be intelligent about it, and otherwise have fun!

Since you asked and wanted honest opinions: ....under about 23 is risky....25 and up is best....my opinion (and many others' who may not post here, as well as books like "Older Women, Younger Men:New Options, statistics, etc..... )...just tread cautiously, go slowly, let him grow up into his own autonomy, and it can work.

Wish you the best...
Karen

Wow....Thank you all very very much. You have no idea how helpful all of you have been. Its good to get some objective feedback, since my head is in the clouds at the moment. Its good to know its okay for one, but also that it can work. Im gonna give it a go and see what happens..i will keep you all posted. If anyone else has anymore feeback please jump right in....*S* Thanks again....and im really greatful for this forum...

Sunshine...

Hi Sunshine!

The way I feel about this issue is that the really great guys out there were always good, and just got better with age.

The less great guys are frequently affectionately regarded as `immature' or excused as being `unconscious' when they're young, but at the end of the day, they're just not very good people...they may grow up somewhat more refined, or just more consciously bad; you never really know.

If you feel that you've met one of the special ones, have faith that he will just get better with time and shower him with the love he deserves.

If you find yourself dealing with a lot of disrespect and selfish behaviour, don't use youth as an excuse.

PS. my fiance was 21 when we first met, and 23 when we became a couple. Almost 4 years later, ..He is now my fiance, my business partner, and frankly the light of my life. I've never been so happy and proud to call someone my partner.

In fact, the truth is I've never really known what having a true partner feels like before him, and I am grateful for every day I wake up beside him, and look forward to each day I spend with him.

Yes, he has changed for sure! He just got better:)

you know whats wierd??its like most of you out here has guys that are young enough to be your son!:eek: And seeing that most of you are in your thirties or fourties and even fifties...and thats like my parents age(my mom is thirty eight and my dad is fouty four)..well i don't mean to offend anyone but i think its just so wierd!!
I think a 40 something dating a 20 something is way too much!!people aren't going to see you as a couple.And in the end you'll just end up heartbroken!harsh but thats the reality.
I have a friend who was dating an Older woman..they've been together for 5 years but eventually broke up since he felt he's missing out on some stuffs.She was fourty two and he's twenty one!He likes Coldplay..she likes Duran Duran sigh!That was just an example..but age does matters..you may be happy initially but in the end,you just end up gettin hurt..ok if the guy is like in his late twenties or thirties..then he is mature enough but like twenty five or even twenty!!!!!!thats way too young!!

I agree with what TrueHeart said, if they are of legal concenting age and can make decisions for themselves, it is between the people in the relationship.

I'd like to address jellypp's post.

You stated I have a friend who was dating an Older woman..they've been together for 5 years but eventually broke up since he felt he's missing out on some stuffs. Even in a relationship where there is no substantial age difference, this can be an issue. People can "miss out on stuffs" (I will just ignore the grammar with a shudder and move on). It's a fact of life.

He likes Coldplay..she likes Duran Duran sigh! Ok...and that is a problem why? I am 40 and love Coldplay but does that mean that if I am in a relationship with someone they must have exactly the same tastes in everything I do? No. Again, age has nothing to do with this. It's personal taste and it can happen in any relationship.

The fact is, age is an issue but not in the way you seem to think. If you read posts on here or look into relationships where one is much older than the other, it is often outside influences and pressures that make it an issue. As you stated people aren't going to see you as a couple. And again my question would be....and that is a problem why? If the people in the relationship are ok with themselves and there is care, respect, love, passion, committment and all the things that make a relationship work (short or long term)....why should it matter what other "people" think?

Bella_D: I liked your comment about maturity. I have younger male friends now that act more mature than my ex-husband did at 45.

Sunshine: I wish you all the best. I too have had this question going through my mind. Not for any specific YM but in general because my daughter asked. She and I were talking about the possibility of a YM being in my life. She said for her, she is 17, she would prefer he be over 23 but couldn't give a reason other than she wanted him to be older than her brother (who is 19). LOL But, that said, she followed it up with, "Mom, if he is not jail bait and you are happy that is all that matters. Who cares what me or anyone else thinks. All I want is you happy." *grin* Ok first a big LOL for the jail bait comment and then gave her a big hug because I have such an amazing daughter.
-------Anyway....I look forward to your updates!

J.

:rolleyes: whoa whoa woman..cool down...i was just voicing my own opinion.Im not trying to contradict whatever!I know and you know that younger guys after a certain period of time will eventually go for girls their age or even younger!
Even my friends who have been reading this threads agree...ok i admit 40 is nothing..i mean this days with all the facilities available you can look young..Monica Bellucci is amazingly beautiful still!!
But think about it when your sixty something and your guy is like 30 or fourty something..do u still think it'll be the same?
And yeah none of the guys i know likes older woman!!

I know and you know that younger guys after a certain period of time will eventually go for girls their age or even younger!

You're the kind of guy, who when I quote things like this to my vyg, he responds with, "another shallow ****. Ignore please".

He was 18, I was 45. I'm 51, he's 23. We're still very much in love. And he has no intentions of going anywhere.

Please don't come to an age gap support site, and start blatting stuff you know nothing about.

You're the kind of guy, who when I quote things like this to my vyg, he responds with, "another shallow ****. Ignore please".

He was 18, I was 45. I'm 51, he's 23. We're still very much in love. And he has no intentions of going anywhere.

Please don't come to an age gap support site, and start blatting stuff you know nothing about.

I agree, "mr. know it all" doesn't know s**t.

I joined the boards after just turning 19. I joined the board because I had an interested in dating older women. 3 1/2 years later I will be 23 in a few months. I have since then had relationships with a handful of woman who were older than I am and my preferences have not changed. I still prefer to date older woman.

:rolleyes: whoa whoa woman..cool down...i was just voicing my own opinion.Im not trying to contradict whatever!I know and you know that younger guys after a certain period of time will eventually go for girls their age or even younger!
Even my friends who have been reading this threads agree...ok i admit 40 is nothing..i mean this days with all the facilities available you can look young..Monica Bellucci is amazingly beautiful still!!
But think about it when your sixty something and your guy is like 30 or fourty something..do u still think it'll be the same?
And yeah none of the guys i know likes older woman!!

Then why are you here?

Nadine.

I have since then had relationships with a handful of woman who were older than I am and my preferences have not changed. I still prefer to date older woman.


Great words Mano,
Totaly agree with you,Bro.IMHO,OW/YM relationship has so much to offer both partners.Tho,like any relationship,theres the ups,and downs.


The Shadow

Jellypp, you are entitled to your opinion and I don't even mind you expressing it. But as I read it all I could think was "Boy, this one is WAY too young for any of us!"

Freedom of speech is great, means you can say "F you"
Problem is, so can your neighor.

This type of absurd ignorance really drives me through the roof and against my moral wall to no try to find some way to have it in for this guy.

I'm not sure where to start, but first of all, Ageless is not here to promote torrid affairs, but actual relationships.
If your friend couldnt handle it, then his loss.
The age difference actually enriches the experience, cause I never heard duran duran, she may have never heard coldplay. I may like some off what she listens to and vice versa.
Many OW are very culturally aware of modern bands, movies, books, and take time to enjoy it. Not all, but quite a few, to some degree.

Someone please help me flesh it out. I'm very tired and cant type.

Here's a hint...

If he's got training wheels on his bicycle ... probably too young.

If he's still sucking his thumb ... probably too young.

If he's playing with a GI Joe, wearing a bib while he eats sitting in a high chair or coloring outside of the lines, chances are he's too young.

So look carefully for these subtle signs.

Actually, given how the different sexes age, when he's 40 and she's 60, chances are that they will LOOK about the same age anyway.

If this were an OM and YW, would you still be of the same opinion? doubtfull.. after all, it is socially acceptable and constantly portrayed throughout our Hollywood culture. But it's NOT okay for a OW to be attractive to a YM (in fact, we're not supposed to be attractive, or sexual, at all), ergo opinions like yours abound.

But think about it when your sixty something and your guy is like 30 or fourty something..do u still think it'll be the same?
And yeah none of the guys i know likes older woman!!

I think "too young" really has to be based on the individuals involved. I know I would not be comfortable with someone under about 25, just because I wouldn't perceive that he had enough "life experience" to be making such a choice. Nor does that mean I would not consider someone under that age, it would depend on the person and how we related.

I would never make an arbitrary decision on what was too young or too old, for someone else. Only they can make that call!

Whether you are male or female, I think one significant element in the older vs. younger preference is what type of person you are with respect to learning vs. teaching.

If you like to learn you gravitate towards someone who is older and more experienced (and likes to teach).

If you like to teach you gravitate towards someone who is younger and less experienced (and likes to learn).

I know that this is a significant factor for me and suspect it plays a role in a lot of age gap relationships.

That's an excellent point. I hadn't thought about it in quite that way! This works for me!

Whether you are male or female, I think one significant element in the older vs. younger preference is what type of person you are with respect to learning vs. teaching.

If you like to learn you gravitate towards someone who is older and more experienced (and likes to teach).

If you like to teach you gravitate towards someone who is younger and less experienced (and likes to learn).

I know that this is a significant factor for me and suspect it plays a role in a lot of age gap relationships.

He likes Coldplay..she likes Duran Duran sigh!That was just an example..but age does matters..

Well, your 'friends' taste frankly sucks anyway. I'm 26, D is 44. Neither of us particularly like Coldplay, but both of us DO like; the Stone Roses, Verve, Dylan, Zeppelin, Hendrix, Jeff Buckley, Puressence, The Clash (me more than her), Belle & Sebastian, Joni Mitchell, Simon & Garfunkel, Ray Lamontagne, Kasabian, James, The Bluetones, Paul Weller, Nick Drake, Doves, Bert Jansch, Tim Booth, the Beta Band, Jeff Buckley, Tim Buckley, the Grateful Dead, Monaco, Tracy Chapman...

want me to continue? You made a bad choice of subject ther, pal. :rolleyes:

We also both like reading about history (medieval), visiting historic sites (castles mainly), both like to play guitar, have similar political views and like talking about them, have similar senses of humour, like the same tv programmes and films, enoy a nice pint of REAL beer...

you know nothing.

Hi neighbor, and welcome!:)

Just see how it goes, conversation by conversation, date by date. When he says how he feels about you, trust his judgment and sincerity; take a leap of faith if need be. I'm one of the older YM at 37, but I still face doubts from older women whom I'd like to date. Among the challenges that an OW should not toss at a YM are:

"You don't know what you want."

"I'm doing what's best for you." (by pulling away)

"I'm old enough to be your mother."

"You need to date women (or "girls") your own age."

"You'll want someone who can give you children."

We know what we want, and that is to be with you! Don't discount our desires and feelings, even if we are 20. I know that I speak for myself, and I guess that I do for many other YM, in saying that we are not as young as we look. YM who are drawn to OW, such as myself, are intellectually and emotionally older than our chronological ages. Heck, I think I was about 40 when I emerged from the womb!:D

So, just enjoy your emerging relationship, and don't treat it any differently than meeting a new man of 40 or 50.

:rolleyes: whoa whoa woman..cool down...i was just voicing my own opinion.Im not trying to contradict whatever!I know and you know that younger guys after a certain period of time will eventually go for girls their age or even younger!
Even my friends who have been reading this threads agree...ok i admit 40 is nothing..i mean this days with all the facilities available you can look young..Monica Bellucci is amazingly beautiful still!!
But think about it when your sixty something and your guy is like 30 or fourty something..do u still think it'll be the same?
And yeah none of the guys i know likes older woman!!
Stating this from all of the life you have experienced in you your...what?....20-some years - if even that? :rolleyes:

My fiance is 25 and he LIKES 80's music, LOL! And I like Eminem!

Both of your posts are spoken like someone completely ignorant of facts and who didn't bother to even read the REAL experiences of women and men here.

I'm 38 - same as your mom. When I turn 40, my fiance will be 27. We started dating when he was 23 and I was 36. He proposed and we are also having a baby in October.

So you are telling me we are doomed to failure cause he'll eventually want something younger?

He HAD younger, honey, and it didn't do anything for him. He got tired of the mind games, selfishness, immature fights and jealousy.

You're obviously in the "too young" group per this thread! LOL! You still equate how someone looks to their "value." Prolly still think your 10 foot tall, invisible and bulletproof.

Just wait until you get into your 30's and 40's and see how wrong you really are.

It takes a REAL man to buck convention to go with his heart and be with an older woman.

And, no, he's not some weirdo geek. He's hot as hell and gets hit on at the bar all the time. So don't think that would explain why he's with me.

Once you move out from mommy and daddy's house and get a little life experience under your belt, THEN come back and try defending your position.

Right now your opinion means as much as my 13 year old's would. :rolleyes:

I agree, "mr. know it all" doesn't know s**t.

I joined the boards after just turning 19. I joined the board because I had an interested in dating older women. 3 1/2 years later I will be 23 in a few months. I have since then had relationships with a handful of woman who were older than I am and my preferences have not changed. I still prefer to date older woman.


Hey Mano!!!! Nice post.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My boyfriend and I have an ENORMOUS gap. Like 33 years???

*Shrugs* Everybody thinks my boyfriend is my son, yeah. But what they don't know won't hurt them :p

Listen up Missy....this forum is a SUPPORT group for people with age gap relationships or seeking them. We don't need insecure little girls coming in here and harassing us...and with bad grammar even!!! YIKES!!!

And hold on to those boyfriends hunny, because you KNOW all of us on this forum are out to get 'em as soon as ya turn your back! :p

HONK!!! :D

OK that little twit got the best of me...not even sure if *IT* was male or female. Let me just say that age gap relationships are not for the faint of heart....those who care for the opinions of others will probably not be happy.

As for ME, I don't give a horse's behind what anyone thinks! LOL Everyone is different Sunshine, so don't let numbers stand between you and your man! ;)

I can honestly say that in spite of my 27 year age gap relationship, other people's opinions have not been a significant issue for us at all.

My Mom is actually thrilled about my YW's age because she wants more grandchildren. And most other people don't really care.

It's hard for me to relate to all the problems some people experience around this personally. But knowing how some other people are, I can easily imagine some people getting a bee up their a** about age gaps so I believe it is happening and sympathize.

And it is obviously much more of a problem in OW/YM relationships.

There are always a few leftovers from the age of the Neanderthal.

My advice is just to be careful. He's very young. You are in different countries. Everything you know about this man is what he has told you.... doesn't mean it's true.

Also I'd like to know which countries you are both from. I may have further advice for you based on where you are located.

Wow, so much really wonderful feedback. An update on the situation is that I will be heading to Austrailia in 2 weeks and he will be coming back with me to Thailand for the next 6months and we will decide what we want from there. It has taken some time to truely understand that this man knows what he wants and he absolutely adores me. I dont know if it is that we are from different cultures him Australia and i from the U.S but he is much more mature than men my age. Our relationship is not just about sex and we do have so much in common. And for the record, we like the same music..lol I do understand that he is young and has alot of things to grow through and im learning as much from him as he is from me. Im very greatful he found me, and persued me like he did or i would not be in the situation I am now. I have told both of my children, my son i worried about because my VYM is not much older than him. My son was here for a visit, one night he informed me he didnt remember ever seeing me so happy. So, he was excited for me and could not wait to meet this man that puts this smile on my face. My daughter, well shes like go for it mom....your way to hot not too...LOL
So, that is my update...we shall see how it goes. I have my days of doubt and fear but mostly im in this with no reservations. My man has a way keeping all fears at bay....thank you so much for everything. This forum is a godsend...*S*

Sunshine...

At first the relationship was one of simply playing an online game together. Then I took on a role of sort of a personal mentor, as we chatted and came to know one another. I was unhappily married at the time and NEVER once thought of this YM as boyfriend material, only as a "kid" not much older than my son, who I could relate to because of my son and because we had sooo much in common. He was rooting for my marriage, but was clearly invested in the friendship.

Cutting to the chase, marriage ended, he pursued, and we met . Took me a loooong time to wrap my head around the idea that this could ever be more than a friendship, although I certainly felt an emotional, mental, and physical attraction to him. Then one day I thought, "Why am I fighting this?", and BOOM....hooked...totally hooked on him. Then a weird thing happened. HE became MY mentor and now I feel like we are total equals in the relationship. He has me convinced that I am what he wants, and I agree with the thing about feeling things you don't remember feeling. This is not just any 20 year old! This is not just any relationship!


Hi I borrowed Rozie's post because it is ALMOST EXACTLY what happened with me. The bold represent the changes to make it my story.

The thing is to remember that online can be very intense and wonderful and "oh my gosh I'm so in love," but sometimes that isn't what it is at all. Remember to take it slow, you have time. There's nothing like finding out someone you thought you knew was a complete liar and this seems to happen more often than not in internet relationships.

I had known my guy for over a year before we met in person, it was at least another month or two before I started to get comfortable with the idea. We met in person again and that is what solidified it. So, almost a year and half had passed since our first conversation before I was really able to accept that he is what I needed and wanted.

There's an excellent thread started by Bubblee, I think, about being in a relationship with VYM (needs to be stickied mods). Find it and read it. I think you'll find it of benefit.

L.

And yeah none of the guys i know likes older woman!!

Hey ya'll.. I think Jelly is a girl.


So anyway, it's possible that some do not like older women. It's possible that they're just afraid to admit it. I think this was mentioned in a few other posts by younger guys. Usually, it's because their supposed friends would give them a hard time about it. It's just like most of them won't admit they like a girl who is a little on the chubby side.

I'll give you this. When I was 21, I dated a 22 year-old. He had dated a 36 year-old when he was 18. I was really bothered by this. It took me a long time to figure out that I had felt threatened by his relationship with this OW.

I do have a question. I notice you said you and your friends are reading this forum. Why exactly? Is your mom on this forum? Or is it because your friend who was dating an OW finally broke up with her to date you?

Just curious...

Please feel free to start another thread, I don't want to hijack Sunshine's thread.

I found the thread again and sent a note to have it stickied.


The thread is entitled "The Cardinal Rules to VYM Relationships"


A very good read.


To answer your original question, I think they must be legally adults. After that, it is subject to their individual maturity and your willingness to let them grow.

In the U.S. legally an adult is 18 (regardless of the age of consent)

Thailand???? Will you be working there? AND, this may be too personal, but how will expenses be shared? I am only asking this as to me it sounds almost like a "honeymoon" situation and not a mundane real life one, which to me could "color" the experience a bit, if that makes sense???

Regards...

Hi,

New here. I'm 33, he's 22. Best advice I can think of, is, be tolerant of his immaturities, if he has them, and don't let yourself get beaten up by them. If you're with a guy who is mature for his age, it can be shocking when they suddenly do something utterly babyish. But you just have to ride it out and not take it to heart too much. That way, you can reduce stress and maintain a level-headed relationship.

BTW Otaku, are you of Japanese descent? BF is Japanese and OW/YM relationships seem to go down better over here.

Miranda,

No.... *chuckles*

I chose otaku for the sn because I like anime/manga (as does my guy) and because of the more negative connotation of the word... when I first started reading here & registered, I had felt a bit like a skeezeball for being attracted to so young a person.

I got over it, but unfortunately I can't change the sn! so fair warning to all those reading and not registered yet... pick your name wisely! :o

Just an update....i havent been online much and everyone has been so wonderful.
Well, I went to Australia to spend some time with my young man and any reservations that i had, have long vanished. This man just adores me and is more emotionally available than any man i have ever met. He will be coming to Thailand this month to stay, untill we figure out where we want to be. That is the beauty of the children being raised, im free to go anywhere. Someone had asked about finances and how they were to be shared. That is something im pretty sound on, I can't or won't take care of a man financially and he wouldnt have it. He is more the one that wants to take care of me. So....I feel really blessed, and the most amazing thing, his parents approve. That had me worried, since family runs so deep. So for now, things are great but im sure there will be issues down the road, as with every relationship. I just want to thank you all for you support and feedback.

Sunshine:)

Glad things are working out... That's great.

Just a "little" sage advice. He has SAID he wants to take care of you. Until enough in-person visits and TIME has passed, this is the honeymoon stage.

Now to see if all the words match the actions. I hope they do! :)

:rolleyes: whoa whoa woman..cool down...i was just voicing my own opinion.Im not trying to contradict whatever!I know and you know that younger guys after a certain period of time will eventually go for girls their age or even younger!
Even my friends who have been reading this threads agree...ok i admit 40 is nothing..i mean this days with all the facilities available you can look young..Monica Bellucci is amazingly beautiful still!!
But think about it when your sixty something and your guy is like 30 or fourty something..do u still think it'll be the same?
And yeah none of the guys i know likes older woman!!

SINCE YOU HAVE NOT COME HERE FOR ADVICE ABOUT AN AGE GAP RELATIONSHIP, WHY ARE YOU HERE? I hope you will keep in mind that our community is just that and not a toy for you to play around with!
Ali