Confused

:confused:

I hate to seem a bit dense here but I'm confused about some responses in a few threads here.

It concerns YM telling family and friends about the relationship.Some are saying give the guy space to tell people at his own space and others are saying that if he is besotted he will want to shout it from the rooftops.

I can see both sides of the argument but i'm not sure which one applies to me.I find it hard to know what to do.My workmates and friends know about him but I'm not sure who he has told and it makes me feel like the proverbial 'dirty little secret'. Don't get me wrong, we go out drinking together and do other stuff.I know he is close to his family and wouldn't want to fall out with them so I haven't pushed the issue,but my instinct is,as people here have said,if it was serious he wouldn't care who knew.

I'm confused as usual...have had a very sheltered 'relationship life',married at 17 for 17 years then a 5 yr relationship that ended just before i met my YM.I feel like a silly teenager when it comes to trying to suss out what to do for the best!!!:confused:

I'm taking a big step back from my feelings and trying to sort them out,i'm usually a very logical person but this has me bewildered.

Hi Fragileheart! I can't speak for everyone, I can tell you from my own experiences with YM, most guys are downright proud of being able to "catch" an older woman! I am 39 and my BF is 29...he is the 3rd guy under 30 that I have dated and none of these guys ever tried to keep our relationship from their families or friends. I don't know what your age difference is....is seems like there is almost a "tolerable" age difference with parents and friends and once people pass that family and friends can get a little weird about it.
Bottom line, if his behavior makes you FEEL like a dirty little secret, then I would address it with him. Does he know that his reluctance to tell others makes you feel the way it does? If he loves you, he will want to make you happy in whatever way he can! Good luck!

Thanks Cutie.

there's 15 years between us..he's 25 this month I'm 40 this month.

I have spoken to him about it at the beginning of the relationship and he said that he wasn't keeping me a secret,he was just selective about what his friends know.A few of his friends now about me and as time has gone on he seems a lot more relaxed about his friends knowing more.

As you rightly said most YM are proud to be able to catch an OW.He pursued me and made the moves;he said he loved OW because they know what they want from life and are not giggly twentysomethings.

We have had one falling out because i felt that he wasn't comfortable being seen with me;it was my mistake,he is not a gushy demonstrative guy in public and I took that to mean that it was that way just with me.Just my isecurities,i have never been with a YM before and I thought he was embarassed to be affectionate with me as an OW, in public.But that is sorted we discussed it.

I do however wonder about his parents.I met his brother briefly,he was totally unfased,mind you it was fairly dark and i was a bit worse for wear from the drink:rolleyes: hey it was Saturday night!!!:D

I asked what he thought his Mum would say and he said"probably nothing" which gives me hope.I just wonder if he is being cautious about telling them and wants to make sure that the relationship is going to last for a while and not be just a flash in the pan.

I'm happy living on my own with my 4yr old daughter.I haven't been on my own in a while.I tell him this and I wonder if this is making him think that i'm putting up barriers?He says that he doesn't want to settle down or get married for years..tho it hurts to hear this from him I know that he means it when he says it and maybe that is making me be defensive??

OOhh i wish i was the all knowing relationship oracle!!!:D

Be careful what you wish for, you might end up knowing more than you want to.

I think you're doing fine. It's an adjustement you both need to make, and it's alright if it progresses at its own pace.

Heh, 'catching' a OW sounds like catching a big fish in the ocean, it's hard, but the rewards can be wonderful.

Just make sure that you eventually meet his parents, if you get serious, and feel free to go out in public together more and more often.

Telling your parents and familiy about your girlfriend or boyfriend is a big thing even without an agegap. When you have met someone that you love you also want your family so much to like this person and you are scared to be told that they don't approve of your choise. You are scared of hurting yourself, your family AND your boy/girlfriend.
Let him do this at his own pace, he knows his family the best and he will deal with it when the time is right.

I do however wonder about his parents.I met his brother briefly,he was totally unfased,mind you it was fairly dark and i was a bit worse for wear from the drink:rolleyes: hey it was Saturday night!!!:D

I asked what he thought his Mum would say and he said"probably nothing" which gives me hope.I just wonder if he is being cautious about telling them and wants to make sure that the relationship is going to last for a while and not be just a flash in the pan.


Well, depending on serious you guys are, I'd probably want to at least know that his parents knew about me, meaning that they knew how old I was, even if he wants to put off the formal "meeting" till a later date. My guys told their parents about me within the first month....and only one parent had reservations about it. When the father of the guy I'm with right now found out, he asked my BF why he wasn't interested in women his own age. Keeping in mind that my BF's ex-wife was also 10 years older than he is (and that didn't work out), I think his dad was maybe trying to ward off another potentially hurtful situation for his son...but it upset me a bit. It took me being around his parents a couple of times before his dad actually started to think that maybe I was right for his son...and now he loves me. Now his mother often asks him when we are going to get married - so in other words, the scary acceptance thing was dealt with a long time ago and now the only issues to us being together are our own - not the family's.

As a contrast my same age ex-husband lied to his parents about me when we got together and they never accepted me. He was French, from a well bred, well educated wealthy family that was hoping for a daughter-in-law that was like them. I am an American girl who grew up in a small town with a redneck family and I was definitely NOT what they wanted for their son. By the time they met met and found out who I really was they were quite upset...treated me like a second class citizen and more or less disowned their son because he was with me. I can't help but wonder if things would have been different if my ex had just been honest and let me meet his parents straightaway instead of them finding everything out once we were serious.

I know he is close to his family and wouldn't want to fall out with them so I haven't pushed the issue,but my instinct is,as people here have said,if it was serious he wouldn't care who knew.

I understand exactly what you are going through, but be careful of buying into that myth that if he were serious he wouldn't care who knew. My BF is also not demonstrative in public and he wouldn't be if I looked like Keira Knightly or some other equally gorgeous movie star. But when we started dating the embarassment was a little more than just being reserved in the public eye. There were lots of factors that contributed to this and he may disagree, but I think the biggest was a greater than 20 year age difference. I had a little cosmetic work done, which is not something I would suggest for everyone, and it made a huge difference. It was after that, that he began to come out of the closet more with friends about our relationship and yes, finally I did meet his best friend and had a terrific time. (There was also the issue that I was in process of a divorce in a state where such things take forever and he was scared that in some way our relationship could hurt that process. We both have families that would likely ridicule us. I also have an adult son who is still trying to sort out what happened with his parents. I feel it is way to early to add this to his plate.)

I am probably one who adds confusion to this issue on this site, because I strongly believe you have decide what works for your individual situation and in some cases, that means you hang onto your privacy. I cannot go anywhere without running into people who know who I am, and people love to talk! When you don't have a supportive family or network around you, you have to protect yourself. The dilemma with this approach is, that after a time you DO begin to feel like a dark, dirty little secret and that is not good for any relationship. Hopefully, if your partner really loves you, that will be recognized and will begin to open up about who knows you are a couple. Prior to that, however, you ask yourself a thousand times a day if the relationship is legitimate, if you really are loved, are you part of some elaborate scheme, is it only about sex?......yada yada yada. Its painful!!

What has helped me is this site. Its a place where you can gush safely, when what you really want to do is run to a rooftop and shout to the world how much you love this person. I think people will be quick to tell you that you should be able to this; take out a front page add, etc. I would say in an ordinary realtionship, yes, but these are not ordinary relationships. You sort of have to make up your own rules as you go. I wish you luck with all this; its a very difficult state to be in. My best advice is to take it slowly and not be quick to read negatively into the fact that few people know about you. If it is real, that will change with time.

WOW!!

Thanks a lot for all this advice!Once again i feel totally overwhelmed.

I have explained my feelings to him,I've told him I love him to bits; he says it was too soon to say things like that,man, what a kick in the teeth!But once again I see his point of view,he is such a cautious lad with his emotions and he doesn't say things unless he means them.I said that if i was to die tomorrow and hadn't told him how I felt he would wonder what he had meant to me.

The bottom line of this whole thing is that i have been well and truly hit by cupid's arrow and I'm not sure if he has.Then the same could be said of any relationship, we always doubt if we are loved as much as we love.I guess I just want to show his family how happy he is with me and how happy he makes me.His Mum has guessed that he is seeing someone so I suppose the next step is when do I meet them.

He is the sweetest,most caring,most sensual guy I have met.I have backed off a lot because I now know what he is comfortable with and what is going to send him into hiding .I don't tell him I love him so much,but that's me I tell all my friends I love them, I don't push the issue of his family and friends,I don't call or text him all the time.....in other words I'm letting him do the running again because he has one heck of an Italian male ego!!!!;)

I'm taking it slowly again after the first few weeks of being in lust; not that that isn't still there....I'm just playing it a bit cool now, it is hard when all i want to do is fling my arms around him and say i love i love you all the time :p

I feel a bit bad playing a bit of a calculated game like this but this is one YM that has really let me find myself and be myself.I have had two long relationships where I was never really allowed to be myself for fear of rejection or ridicule;no wonder they ended.This time around i have found someone who has never once said to me that i can't do something or should do this or say that.He is with me because of ME....that's scary!!!

Anyways, this is turning into a ramble..I will stop here or I wil type myself into a right tizzy:D

Thanks guys...i guess you are just reinforcing my gut instinct..he will tell them when he is ready..it just feels like an extra circle of Dante's Hell sometimes!

II strongly believe you have decide what works for you individual situation and in some cases, that means you hang onto your privacy.

I agree with this, in a sense...

be careful that you don't buy into the idea that every guy thinks about their family the same, or the same way as you do. What I mean by this is that some people are close to their parents/family and some aren't. I don't actually know if my parents know how old my gf is. They've met her quite a few times now, despite it being a LDR, but the issue of age has never been mentioned. However, my friends knew how old she was as soon as I did. Talking about that kind of thing just doesn't happen with me and my parents you see. I also figure why should I mention age? Would I mention it if she was the same age as me? Would it be an issue? So, why should I make it one now? If they aksed me how old she is I would tell them, but otherwise I'm not just about to bring it up.

*shrug*

How true Rob!!!

that sure is a light bulb moment for me.If we were the same age we wouldn't rush to tell people.

Last night my YM was talking about a friend of his who was 27 and seeing a 17 yr old and we got on to the subject of age. So I kinda manouevered the conversation as to what he and society thought was more acceptable..OM/YW or OW/YM.I said that it really doesn't matter and as a parent you should just want your children to be happy in the relationship they were in.He said with his usual clarity that other people would worry more about our relationship than we would.My heart soared!! He then went on to say that his Mum knew that he was seeing me and he told her my name and that was it;no interrogation from her.I feel a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders;we'll get to the age thing if and when it arises.

Thanks for that Rob,it has brightened my day :D