The Parents

Hello,

I am kinda in a strange predicament. I am a 40 year old woman and have fallen for a 19 year old guy online. We get along wonderful and really want to meet each other in person. Then problem is the parents. Then of course have issues with the age diff but we don't. They keep telling him it is a scam tho i don't really knowwhat they mean. I love this guy and he feels the same way. How can I deal with the parents? I have been nothing but honest about the way i feel. I don't know what else i can do.

I am a 40 year old woman and have fallen for a 19 year old guy online.

Hi Dodi. I just read one of your earlier posts from April in which you wrote...
Iam 42. He is 25 and this is new to me
(on this thread: http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?p=385883#post385883 )

:confused: So, what are your real ages... 40 or 42? 19 or 25? Or is this a new guy, not the same guy from April?

If you provide more details, you'll have a better chance of getting some helpful replies here.... How long have you known each other? What's your relationship like? Does he live with his parents? How far apart do you two live? etc....

I don't think there is much you CAN do. If he is still so young that parents are calling the shots here, you are pretty well stuck until HE decides such a meeting is something he wants to pursue. I understand what it is like to have family making all kinds of assumptions and jumping to erroneous conclusions about online friendships. I wish you luck with this because I know its frustrating.

yes i am 42. No this is not the same guy. Things pretty much hit the skids with the 25 year old when he decided he was still in love with ex. This is a new guy that I just met in June. And he is 19. We have plans to meet next month. It is something that we both want. At the moment he has just told them we are friends. Which in all honesty is true. But we want to get to know each other before we decide there is more there. Them being his parents. He is in Florida I am in Illinois.

Dodie...

GO SLOW....I repeat GO SLOW....

You just met this guy in June and this is August. He's really young and when you get involved with someone so young you have to go more at his speed at not at yours where a relationship is involved.

Probably you should go visit him in Florida and meet his parents, etc. and see how that goes. Is he going to college?

I understand what it's like with family down your back, being in a similair position. You've got a very tough time ahead, even just being friends. How were you two planning to meet?

I agree that for your situation especially, what bubbleee said applies 10 fold.

I knew OW my for almost a year online before I was able to save up enough to see her.

All I can offer is that 19 is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO young. My input is to meet as friends,& try to keep it as friends until he has a few years to mature.

ABC, Today Show just last week remarkably had another expose on the scientific fact (they showed the brain scans of teens progressing toward 25 years of age) that the frontal cortex of everyone's brain (the section that we use for reasoning and impulse control) develops last...usually is not complete by 25. The CAT scans they showed on tv were there in living color and quite compelling documentation. This has been an on-going controversial issue here on the boards; but I believe through personal experience with an 18-21 year old boy friend, and through this and other data....that teenagers (of EITHER sex) will most likely NOT make the soundest permanent decisions that they may be able to at 25. Tread cautiously, that's all I can say.

A personal update....the above-mentioned vym I was totally in love with for almost 4 years who assured me daily of his undying love and comittment (the one I refer to ad naseum at times here on the boards:rolleyes: )...who later walked out of my life....emailed me two days ago...the first contact of any kind from him in three years. He's almost 25 now....matured, insightful, and apologized for heartache he'd caused, the way he acted, etc. and reflected back on the friendship we'd had for years before we fell in love. He has a serious significant other now (an older woman ;) ) and was not attempting to establish contact with any ulterior motive other than to resolve all the pain, etc. that resulted primarily from his confusion at his young age back then. He has "grown up", and had we met now....well, I won't go there. I'm just so happy for the resolution and closure to a lot of guilt (for encouraging an 18-19 year old with raging hormones, and a lot growing up to do, to be with me back then....) The best thing is that he doesn't hold me responsible for any decisions he made back then to be with me....but knowing what I know now (brain development research that prooves what insurance statistics have proven for years regarding immature decision making skills/impulse control, personal stories from MANY other posters here who have been left by their vym who ultimately changed their minds , etc.) that very young men are not USUALLY able control impulses as well as when they are even a few years older, and best at 25+, I would not seriously date anyone under 25 ever again. That's just me.

Again, just be careful, and go slow, and realize that you have some responsibility to guide this encounter in a mature, positive direction for all involved (including parents who may not be supportive).

**ducking and covering anticipating flying flames**

Hi Special K,
I just wanted to say that I'm happy to hear that he contacted you to make amends....you really deserved that. I can only think of a couple of people in my whole life who thought to make amends for injuries they caused me, and it truly meant the world to me.

hugs to you! great news!

*summons flames from the depths of hell to burn little miss special*
J/king

I completly agree with you. I really wouldn't reccomend it unless you knew him to be fairly mature, and even then tread lightly. . . Yes I'm 19, and yes I'm saying this, mostly so that people know what they're getting into.

good to hear that he got back in touch

Thanks, Bella D for the kind words....resolution rocks...
And Loganic, thanks for your input as a "bonafide" 19 year old guy....and, obviously a very intelligent and mature one!
I've really enjoyed reading all of your posts recently and can tell you are an insightful and kind young man. Please stick around the boards, we need more of your kind willing to give us "the truth from the 19-year-male-perspective";) .

Smiling big:D ...no flames this time;)
Karen

Ya know I have absolutely no problem with a bonafide 19 yr old agreeing that 18-21 (or even up to this recently moved definition of 25) saying that relationships with vym are risky. I really have no problem with anyone posting that relationships with vyp are risky. I'm sure they are. I also have no problem with saying that relationships with vyp require a ton of responsibility and that they are NOT for everyone.

The thing I have a problem with is that there ARE lots of successful relationships here at AL that began with one of the partners being very young (and some that have left AL too). There are. When folks just refuse to recognize that it can work, they completely discount those of us that are living happy lives each day. It is a bit insulting to us. Devon is a bonafide very young man too afterall. OP might be interested in seeing what it is that we who are doing it well have in common and I actually think there are some things. I know full well that my words are completely meaningless because Devon is 21 and not 25. I know that there are a ton of folks thinking that they will have the last laugh when my relationship ends any day now, but certainly before Devon reaches 25 every time they read one of my posts.

/edited to add: 20 people set out to climb a mountain. 19 fall without ever reaching the top. I want to talk with the 1 person that made it. Not too surprising to me that the 19 who didn't make it think it is impossible.

i didnt rush head in on my relationship, i have to honestly say that i questioned every aspect of this type of union openly with my friend-turned boyfriend-turned husband.

i was brutally honest and still am, when adam's father said some very cruel things about me when we first were boyfriend and girlfriend, i called it quits. i told him, this is my LIFE, i am not inviting drama into it.

i also said, this is not fair to him, (my husband) one day he would change his mind and want children or want a younger woman.

what happened is that my husband put his foot down with his family. still to this day many years later, they thread lightly. they also have seen their son grow to be a man amoung men.

if it truly is disrupting this young man's life then there is a time to be UNselfish.

i believe 19 year old's CAN fall in love, but its something very mutual and deep and really there is no turning back, but if its anything less than that, let him go.

Marcy, AL is here to give a real perspective on problems, and help people with them.
If you wanna know how to make it, you ask that one person. If you want to know what your chances of making it, you compare yourself to both the failures and success.

My perspective on her problem is that it's a good woman, dealing with a first time age-gap relationship and has a 19 year who's fairly immature, and in no way very independent.

I'm telling her, it doesnt look good. It's her decison if she decides to go through with it. If so, we will give her our full support, and wisdom, to the best of our abilities. No one wants to see them fail, but no one wants to see them hurt either.

Marcy, AL is here to give a real perspective on problems, and help people with them.
If you wanna know how to make it, you ask that one person. If you want to know what your chances of making it, you compare yourself to both the failures and success.

My perspective on her problem is that it's a good woman, dealing with a first time age-gap relationship and has a 19 year who's fairly immature, and in no way very independent.

I'm telling her, it doesnt look good. It's her decison if she decides to go through with it. If so, we will give her our full support, and wisdom, to the best of our abilities. No one wants to see them fail, but no one wants to see them hurt either.


?????

How do you know he's immature and in no way very independent? She's given us barely any information about him, except his age and that he still lives at home. Neither of those things tell us anything about him, certainly not enough to say he's immature. Btw, I still live at home at 26, it isn't necessarily an indicator of anything on it's own.

Besides which... she came here asking for advice on handling the parents, so she didn't ask for the advice from either those who have made it, or from those who haven't.

However, to make my point about that (not that I haven't done before) I will side completely with Marcy, pretty much. No-one seems to have bothered collecting any sort of information about the types of vym that manage to make it in a relationship at that age. No-one seems to care one jot if they all have similar characteristics or personality traits. IMO, as a relationship SUPPORT site, shouldn't we be concentrating on what DOES work, and then when someone comes asking for advice we can tell them that it will most likely work if the vym is x, y or z?

Btw, this scientific data seems to take absolutely no account of the fact that some people are able to deal with future decisions and reasoning, etc, better than others, whether fully developed or not. I'll try not to make this confusing, here is an example:

Lets presume that the ability for this can be rated up to a mark out of 100.

person a is 20 and their capacity is 100, but it is only 40% developed so it's actually at 40.

person b is 30 and their capacity is 30.

Simple.



I'll add to this that I'm 26, I first met my gf at 23 and I am no different than I was then. I also have a friend who is fast approaching 27 who still has the same difficulty dealing with that type of thing. Make of that what you want, but my point is that it's the individual that counts.

I think that those in AGR are here because we want to defy the odds.

There have been people who have fallen off tall buildings and even airplanes and have survived. We want to be one of them.

It does not matter if he is 19 or 25, AGRs have less posibilities of succeeding than those or regular relationships (which are 50% at best).

About parents, it is a matter of luck. I was lucky and his parents accepted me at once. At first there were a few comments that all I wanted was a green card, but once they saw I have no interest in moving to the US, they were ok.

In answer to the OP...

all you can really do is to carry on and show them by your actions that you're not intending on hurting their son.

From my experience dealing with some members of my gf's family, there really isn't a lot of point in getting hung up on how you can try to change their minds. It doesn't seem to matter what you say, or what you do sometimes, if they have a preconceived idea that you aren't 'right' for him, then they will seek out ways to confirm that to themselves and possibly ignore everything good that you do that might change their mind.

I've gotten myself worked up over this myself in the past, and maybe it's just time for me to let it go and admit defeat?

Sorry if this all sounds negative btw, it's just my experience. :(

She's given us barely any information about him, except his age and that he still lives at home.

Just thought I'd point out...
She hasn't told us whether he lives at home or not.

So anyway... carry on.

I have a question. Do age gap relationships REALLY have a poorer chance of surviving, or is it that they have a poorer chance of OCCURING in the first place? I really am curious about this. Is there any data that they fall apart any faster or more frequently than same age relationships? Or is that just our perception? No doubt they are less common and have a different set of problems, but perhaps the age gap is beneficial in some ways. For example: we don't have to worry about an unexpected pregnancy, one of us is established in their career and financially "solvent" which allows for the expense of an LDR, one of us has experienced an unhappy marriage and knows what they don't want to repeat, one of us has energy and enthusiasm about making sure the other stays young (lol), one is still wide eyed and curious about the world (minus the cynicism that sometimes goes with age) and certainly we have a huge commitment to making this work because we percieve that it is precious and fragile.

Data...where is this data? I mean real data....PhD thesis stuff from a reputable university, U.S. census stuff, NIH stuff. Its got to be somewhere.

I have to be honest...some of the predicaments some of our members get themselves into with VYM smack of short sightedness and poor judgement. I think it is easy to get caught up in the sensationalism of some of these stories and forget that they are probably not representatve. In fact something that bothers me a lot is that if someone just wants to post something positive, or a minor problem at best, there is very little response. But let someone post something with a Jerry Springer flavor, and we are all over it like white on rice! I truly think we may not be a very representative subsection of the general population. We are here because we are motivated to be here whether it be because we are looking for help or wishing to provide help. At any rate, the "data" we might glean from this site is skewed....lol.

I have to check into this. Somewhere there must be some sound sociological data to answer this question.

Is there any data that they fall apart any faster or more frequently than same age relationships? Or is that just our perception?

Data...where is this data? I mean real data....PhD thesis stuff from a reputable university, U.S. census stuff, NIH stuff. Its got to be somewhere.

No, as far as I'm aware there is no data, and a lot of the time it seems relationships fall apart because of 'normal' reasons. MOST relationships, the overwhelming majority, 'fail'.


I truly think we may not be a very representative subsection of the general population. We are here because we are motivated to be here whether it be because we are looking for help or wishing to provide help. At any rate, the "data" we might glean from this site is skewed....lol.


Exactly.

No data... just opinions... and we all have em.

OP some relationships with very young people fail, some don't. Some relationships fail, others don't.

Other than that it is a crap shoot... as K and Log have pointed out its a risky business relationships with vyp... however, I can assure you that there are plenty of happy couples here that have partners that either are or were vym and that is a fact, an undisputable fact, pretty much the only one that you can hang your hat on in this thread.

You just don't know. Assuming that because he's 19, he's too immature to make a relationship work isn't valid.

For what it's worth, I read a study once, wish I'd saved it, that nontraditional relationships actually have a BETTER chance of making it than traditional relationships, due to the "us against the world" component. The study wasn't talking about age gaps, per se, but about many types of nontraditional relationships.

With my vyp I totally understood his mother's apprehension. I talked to her on the phone, let her yell herself out, while assuring her that her son's welfare was of the utmost importance to me. I followed it up with a long letter, again assuring her that I would do my best to see to it that he didn't get hurt by being with me.

Time....

It mostly takes time. Once they see you're happy, you're not out to use him, for whatever you might be expected to use him for, they'll be better. That was my favorite accusation. Dunno what they thought I was using him FOR. He lived 1200 miles away, so even if it was just sex, I didn't pick the easiest target for that. He sure didn't have any money.

He's an adult, ultimately it's his decision. They're his parents. It's up to him to handle things. Your part is to just be there. If he's not grown up enough to handle it, then he's not grown up enough period.

I honestly wish some university would do research on MY faulty brain chemistry as to why I am in a relationship with a guy who is 33 years younger than me for almost three years. Tabloid TV shows and snarky magazine reporters would love to interview me and turn me into a cougar (*laughs wildly*) but can I get some real bonafide NIH or Harvard University Medical School study to check me out??? Nada!

When my brain finally goes completely on the fritz, Phil is bound to leave me. When that fog that I've been in for these three years finally lifts, it will bump my large and sorry posterior back to reality, hard. He's gonna be 21 soon and when his brain chemistry finally matures and mine goes in the toilet I am truly SOL.

Meanwhile I guess we'll both have to make a living, attend college, do laundry, clean house, pay bills and get an annual brain scan.

I am kinda in a strange predicament. I am a 40 year old woman and have fallen for a 19 year old guy online. We get along wonderful and really want to meet each other in person. Then problem is the parents. Then of course have issues with the age diff but we don't. They keep telling him it is a scam tho i don't really knowwhat they mean. I love this guy and he feels the same way. How can I deal with the parents? I have been nothing but honest about the way i feel. I don't know what else i can do.

I'm not really so concerned about the age numbers per se. What I am concernced just hearing the little information we have are the following:

1. You lied to us about your age in this thread. You first say you are a 40 yo woman, then when questioned in relation to a previous post where you apparently mention you are 42, you admit you are actually 42. My concern would be this...are you lying to this young man about your age, too?

2. Also, apparently, you had a more recent relationshap that ended with a 25 year old. Now, you met this 19 year old online in June, which is only a couple of months a go, and now you are "in love" with him and you "get along great". Well, you haven't even met the guy in person and two months seems like an extremely short time to really get to know someone on line to the point where you are "in love". Are you sure you aren't "in lust"?

3. When you are involved with a 19 young man, "mature" or not, and you are a 42 year old woman, who has just come out of another relationship with a younger man that did not work out, it really isn't very wise to have a whirlwind romance and that's what I would call it if only after two months interacting on-line, you are ready to present your case to his parents...especially if he lives with them...which I guess we don't really know.

4. It is also a bad sign that he is already making up stories about you and he "just being friends" to his parents. It shows that he is still very much under their control and also that their opinions are influential. It also shows that he feels he needs to share this with them. He could very easily not mention that he is communicating with you. Your concern about his parents has obviously come about because he has told you they have a problem with? Or perhaps he assumes they will have a problem with it. It's also quite possible that he actual has never told his parents anything and is lying to you because he himself does not want to deal with it yet. The parents don't approve is a great way not to HAVE to meet someone.

5. Since you are dealing with him on-line, you have to be careful about this man credibility as well. You have no idea what's on his mind. He could be a bored 19 year old who finds this all very entertaining. I'm not saying this is the case. All I'm saying is that two or so months of knowing this man on-line and feeling you love him and are already thinking about how to get around his parents smells trouble to me.

Again, I don't have ALL the details but considering what you have given us, I'm putting this out as food for thought under the circumstances. Good luck.:)

Excellent post Rosebud... I can practically see the tree house when I read this... DEFINATE words of wisdom in there

Excellent post, Rosebud, all of it!...

I particularly thought your insights here were right on and do denote an element of "lack of readiness for a real adult relationship" (rather than using the word "immaturity" that many are offended by). Also, rebounding rarely is ever a good thing...time to emotionally heal first usually works better.

3. When you are involved with a 19 young man, "mature" or not, and you are a 42 year old woman, who has just come out of another relationship with a younger man that did not work out, it really isn't very wise to have a whirlwind romance and that's what I would call it if only after two months interacting on-line, you are ready to present your case to his parents...especially if he lives with them...which I guess we don't really know.

4. It is also a bad sign that he is already making up stories about you and he "just being friends" to his parents. It shows that he is still very much under their control and also that their opinions are influential. It also shows that he feels he needs to share this with them. He could very easily not mention that he is communicating with you. Your concern about his parents has obviously come about because he has told you they have a problem with? Or perhaps he assumes they will have a problem with it. It's also quite possible that he actual has never told his parents anything and is lying to you because he himself does not want to deal with it yet. The parents don't approve is a great way not to HAVE to meet someone.

Rob said:
IMO, as a relationship SUPPORT site, shouldn't we be concentrating on what DOES work

I totally agree....I happen to believe that "support" and wisdom on what does work is not always positive or what the OP may want to hear. There is room for all versions of why or how a relationship of any demographic has the best chance of working based on personal experience, scientific data, input from people at similar age/life-stages with helpful insights, or whatever.

A support site to me should be a compassionate and hopeful place for people to come to and give or get advice and input; but not at the exclusion of input or wisdom that would be profitable to the OP because it's not "happy*happy". Support also means sometimes helping someone out with a decision by giving straight forward, less-than-happy*happy, words/knowledge. (like, it's not a great idea to rebound, or if your ym is keeping you a secret it could be a red flag, or 19 is VERY young so proceed with caution and responsiblity, or reputable scientific data- from UCLA Medical Research and others- suggests that impulse control and decision-making is not fully developed in the brain until 25, etc.)

Like Loganic said,
AL is here to give a real perspective on problems, and help people with them.

The coolest thing is that we each may have differing "perspectives", yet they are all real and true for us. OP's can read, and glean, and grow, and make better decisions as a result of all of them.:)