is there any point

we are very much in love, but he wants to have children in the future, or at least the option to, i can't give him that, even if i was able to physically i wouldn't want to anyway, my own 2 kids are adults

i feel like i'm in a no-win situation here, i either get hurt now by ending it or i get hurt when he meets someone who can give him what i can't

we don't know what to do, we are both in bits about all this and seem to be going round in circles

feels like a classic head vs the heart

Acceptance is the hardest thing in life to learn.

Sometimes what is, is.

He could leave you, and still wind up never reproducing. But that decision has to be up to him to make, not you. You can't leave him "for his own good". Its not your decisoin to make.

What you can do is tell him, Look, this is what is, and you now have to make the decision that you have to make. Then you back off, let him decide, and then accept whatever decision he makes.

Sometimes, I've observed, the baby/child issue, is used to just not have to commit. Not saying that's the case here, but it's happened.

if i fell in love with a man like my husband when i was in my twenties and still wanted to have children but couldnt, it would possibly break my heart on some avenue but i could never give up my experience with adam, in other words it would not break us apart.

knowing us, we would cry and then find a child who needed a home and be the best parents we could be.

your situation is different as you both want different things. if this was revealed early in the relationship then you are both being honest to yourselves.

you both deserve to have fundamental basics that you personally need in your relationship.

i love bella's answer, it depends on how you got together, if it started initially to be temporary and now you are both emotionally envolved then that is going to hurt.

i know i love my husband but if he had told me that he deeply wanted children and i didnt or couldnt, i would have WANTED that for him, even if it meant i had to leave him go. i could not live with taking someones dreams away, i could not live with wondering if his regret would one day take him away from me.

people have a right to live their lives as they truly want to, i think loving someone is also giving them the right to be free to be who they are.

loving someone requires sometimes that they must be left free to be who they really are.

The issue isn't about the age-gap and the others have commented, it's about you two being on different pages.

I have a coworker at my office who is 25 years old and has been married for one year. Her husband is 30. Recently she was told that it may be very, very difficult for her to get pregnant and have a baby for various reasons. She was aware before that she might have difficulty due to family history. She told me that before they married her and her husband decided that they would accept whatever fate had in store. If they were blessed with children, great. If not, they would be okay. At this point, she said they were not interested in adoption, but would look forward to filling their time with various things like traveling and they are semi-professional ballroom dancers so they feel they would have more time to do what they want.

Another woman who is 30ish and married, also at the same office, only gets her period once a year (again, a genetic issue) and has been trying to get pregnant for a while. It's possible it can happen but may be difficult. Same thing with this couple, they have accepted nature and fate.

An age-gap situation, I feel, is no different. If this man was SOOOOOO concerned about have children and wanted to make his changes higher, he would never even consider a relationship with a woman that could possibly be past her child-bearing years or did not want children at all. I don't know when you two began discussing this topic but that's probably the first thing you need to discuss when an AGR gets serious.

I also agree, don't break up with him for his own good...do it because you know that this is what is right. Personally, as a 47 year old woman becoming involved with a 27year old man, at this point, I don't assume it will be forever or that I will marry him, even though I care for him deeply. If I discovered that it was very important for this man to have children, then I probably would be less likely to encourage the romantic relationship and choose friendship....we are currently starting to transition from casual friendship to a closer friendship...but I am taking things very slow until I learn more about his views on various matters.

Good luck to you, I know it's a difficult situation.

thanks all, a pattern seems to have emerged, we go along in our own little bubble of love and it's great until something he says reminds me that it's gonna have to end sometime so i say why not end it now?...that doesn't work because neither of us really wants that so we try and have a bit of distance to sort our heads out but that doesn't work either and we end up on the phone in tears for hours

same thing happened about a month ago so we decided to be fwb and were gonna take a step back from each other, all that ended up happening is we got even more involved and more in love with each other, it's like we couldn't control it, we got past the stage of even pretending to be fwb

i keep saying to him i'll let him go but he won't go, i try to take a step back but he won't let me...although i could probably enforce it if i really wanted to

this all started off as "fun"

Well I know I am going to take flack for this, but I face a similar dilemma with my YM. The difference is, he says he can do without kids for now and if he ever changes his mind, there has to be some unconventional way that we could do this. I wouldn't mind having another child, but biology is against me. So, we continue to fantasize, knowing somewhere in the back of our minds that it remains a highly unlikely scenario, but the fantasy in itself is fun. And if the time is right, we will "think out of the box."

Your situation is different, because it sounds like this is a deal breaker for you. In that case I would opt for getting out now. I think for most of us, love only grows...won't be any easier a year from now and then you will have the pain of feeling betrayed and all of the insecurities that brings, on top of his need to be a father. :(

I think Rozie has brought up a great point. Calluna, exactly how old are you and your BF? Is it possible for you two to discuss alternatives and perhaps come to a compromise? How about adoption or surrogate pregnancy and scores of other possibilities depending on your age and physical condition.

Even though my situation with my YM is far from any point of even thinking about this, just in my fantasizing, I have casually toyed with the idea of adopting a child who is a little older...anywhere from 5 years old and up. There are so many unwanted children or perhaps those who have lost parents and need a home and some good lovin'. Maybe OW/YM couples can serve a purpose that way in our society. For me...if it ever came to that, it would really be a financial issue because my heart is completely open and if I ever found a YM who was also open, wow...what a great family that would be, huh?:D

Having kids (or not) is one of the most important aspects of any long term relationship, and can definitely be a deal breaker.

Most of the women I have dated wanted to discuss this aspect of our relationship early on to find out if I want to have kids or not. And I understand from talking to my friends that they too tend to discuss this early on.

The ideal, of course, is to know where the other person stands early on so you can avoid investing significant feelings in them if it is a hopeless cause.

I'm sure this is exactly why it is so common to discuss it this way.

Having said that, I also know at least one couple that were in the same situation as you (but reversed ... she wanted kids he didn't) and were able to work out a compromise.

The compromise was that they got married (vs. just living together which was what he wanted but she didn't) but would not have any kids. It's been a couple of years on that one and so far so good.

I could tell you what to do, but I am not doing it myself. My bf and I love each other very much. I can tell he loves me by the way he treats me and by his decision to move to Panama to be with me.

One day he tells me he does not want children but another day he may say "when I have a son I would teach him this or that". So I do not know what to believe. What he refuses to do is to talk long term.

If my head was properly screwed on my shoulders I would end this relationship at once... but why end up now something so beautiful? So important in my life?

I would not consider adoption. I am 47 and my son is 16. I do not feel I have the energy to start raising a child all over again, even if he was 5 or 8 yrs old. Pretty soon I will reach the age that would make me more fit to be a grandma than a mom. I do not want to limit a baby to have a mom that is not willing to get on all fours to play with toys or play soccer with him or her or run after a kite. I do not want to raise another teenager when I am 60. At that age they are so self counscious they may not want an old "mom".

When we were starting and I would ask my bf about his plan for our relationship he would say "Ride it until it crashes." I know this sounds cruel, but, is this not the case for ALL relationships?

i'm 48 and he's 30
i understand what you're saying sheila, ugh my mind is going round in circles with it all

the latest now is we're goin with the flow for the moment, just too painful for goodbyes :(

You know you don't want to have kids. That's not negotiable. I agree with you. It's a lifetime commitment, and you've already been there, done that. If someone wanted children from a relationship with me, I would kiss them on the forehead and wish them well. That's a place I'm never going again, end of story.

Now, he knows how you feel, yet he's hanging around. He's making the choice to do so despite knowing how you feel. He loves you.

I agree with Bella. This is his decision, not yours to make. If you love him, you love him. Just BE THERE. Enjoy it. Make sure you're not addicted to the drama surrounding this issue. And then let time show you how it's going to go.

I'm a bit of a scaredy-cat myself, so I'd probably end it and get it over with. I'm not sure if that would be the right thing to do; its just that I couldn't live knowing that my love is growing everyday for a man, and my lover has already stated that he's going to move on one day. I know things could change, but I'd personally find it too hard.

I once had a bf where, after a few blissful and totally fun months together, he told me that he probably wanted to sleep with other women `one day'. That was the end for me...I just moved on. The thing is, he might have changed his mind over time, but I didn't have the power to live with that hanging over me....

i guess the variable you haven't mentioned here is: how long have you known each other? that might determine how long i'd hang around to see what happens.

you have to be realistic....and i agree with kitty....if this is what he truly wants out of life, let him go. but even if you do, and he really, really loves you, there is a high percentage of likelihood he'll be back around if he doesn't like "what's out there."

one thing i have learned: real love ain't that common.

one thing i have learned: real love ain't that common.
How very true.. :(

one thing i have learned: real love ain't that common.

Common sense ain't that common either.

For myself, I've never yet experienced real love and common sense at the same time. Ah well...

My guy really loves me and I really love him. Obviously, there will be no children happening... so if someday he decides he wants them, he'll have to be the one to let go. Cuz I'm not the noble type.

Sometimes I wonder if they say they want kids because all their friends are popping them out:confused: so they figure its something they are 'supposed to do