So glad I found this web-site

Hi everyone - I am new here and so glad I found this web-site I really thought my dilemna was unique. Can't really speak to anyone else about it so I am hoping I am in the right place. I am separated and in the process of getting a divorce from a loveless marriage that died many years ago. I have three sons (that was the best part about the marriage).

I am 45 and 'perchance' met a 23 year old male on another site. He was actually reading a fanfic I was writing and his parents happened to be visiting the country in which I reside so he e-mailed me. We chatted via e-mail regularly and within a span of two weeks we were chatting on Messenger and then Skype. He initiated everthing that followed - most of which I will leave up to your vivid imaginations... need I say more? It was the first time in my life that I felt like a teenager again - it really was an incredible journey to re-discover who I am and how much love I have to give. We sent photo's to each other and we would spend most of the time chatting unless either of us was working. He e-mailed poems and songs to me - that all depicted his feelings.

Then his parents returned (he still lives with them) and I hardly heard a peep from him. I would e-mail him a thesis and would get a two liner reply three days later. He said he couldn't get onto the internet as often as before but the biggest blow was when he told me he wanted to marry a virgin and have children.

He still e-mails me and we have chatted on MSN and he continues to initiate things when he feels like it. I can't phone him at home, he is not allowed to receive calls at work, his mobile doesn't have International roaming etc etc etc these are the excuses I am getting.

I have no idea how this whole thing has hurt me as deeply as it has. I cried for days. If I ignore him then he contacts me again. Every poem and song has the same words repeated in them - lonely, scared, afraid, in the middle of something I don't understand, etc.

I had planned a trip to his country to do a cruise - which I am still doing at the end of the year and he wants to meet with me.

Please can someone offer some sort of objective advice. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster ride right now.

The worst of it all is that I really have feelings for him but I miss what we had when his parents weren't around.

Tam

Hi Tamara,

Welcome to Ageless! Sorry to hear about the sudden disconnect! That had to hurt.

I have found there a many threads already started that might have a lot of good information, though I am sure the ladies here will probably respond directly to you.

I don't have that situation, but I am afraid to say that he might have been titillated by the idea of you, the open sexuality, etc, that we OW possess.

If he's cutting you off with a virgin and children line, cut your losses and move on, because that is a load of bs. Basically, you've become the fun, dirty, little secret. You deserve and are worth more than that, right?

If he were serious, he would do what it takes.

I am interested in hearing what thing you are a fan of that you have written fanfics about. So, feel free to PM.

Again, sorry for the way things turned out.

L

Thanks for your response - don't know if it is just that easy to move on. I forgot to mention that one of his biggest 'issues' was that he felt he had nothing to offer me.

Tam

By the "virgin & children" line I would say he feels you have nothing to offer HIM in the long term.

Why on earth would you want to meet him? He's already told you that you aren't relationship material. Guys don't lie about that stuff. If they say they can't do it, they mean it. Women just tend to read into their actions (like the guy still will have sex with them) and think it means there's a possibility.

There's not.

95% of successful OW/YM AGRs (and I mean RELATIONSHIPS, not hookups) are because they guy didn't have a problem with the age gap and pursued the woman. When the guy is uncertain and doesn't have 100% commitment is when it seems to be doomed to failure.

He's a friend or an f-buddy, not relationship potential. Unless you want to be a booty call....

Hi Tam, and welcome to Ageless. I'm sorry that your first post here is so filled with sadness. :(

Please allow me to be blunt. There is no hope for a relationship with this young man... he's made that very clear to you now. You must leave him behind and move on.

But you mustn't leave behind the wonderful gift that you received... you were able to re-connect with your bright, and young, and hopeful spirit. It's there in you... you've got it, girl. :)

If anything, that's the true reason why this young man came into your life for this brief time... to show you your true self. In your own words:
"- it really was an incredible journey to re-discover who I am and how much love I have to give."

That's a beautiful gift... be grateful for it and move forward with your life.

Thanks - I will sleep on your comments. I know that I am worth more than the likes of him. But... he did do me a favor.. if u know what I mean.

Tam :)

well i see it another way also, some of us in successful age gap relationships got envolved with young men but mature men.

my head would spin off my shoulders if my husband had told me in the beginning his needs included a virgin and children, since i ran like the wind AWAY from him, he was real careful in his choice of words to convince me to stay.

if you find yourself in a relationship with a younger man, make sure you got the "MAN" part of the equation.

i would wish him well, everyone deserves to find their life desires, if this are his then you really dont have a right to stand in his way.

i would set him free.

this is a great site, isn't it ;)

I have to agree with everyone else. You're better off for knowing him, but don't pine away over something that isn't meant to be.

my guy went after me hot and heavy, but I kept him at arm's length for the longest time. I was a recovering widow at 29 when we started our friendship and he knew that. He would go on and on about marrying me and having kids and I would feel that tightening in my stomach and just try and get away. (I felt like I was cheating on my deceased fiance) I think maybe the clencher for me with regards to my guy was....I asked him one day what he would do if I could not give him children. he said "I don't care"...all that from a guy who already had names picked out. He said whether they were his or not didn't matter. (I do want kids so adoption is a possibility if I can't have them on my own)

Chin up. The right guy is out there somewhere :D

Hi Tam, and welcome to Ageless. I'm sorry that your first post here is so filled with sadness.

Please allow me to be blunt. There is no hope for a relationship with this young man... he's made that very clear to you now. You must leave him behind and move on.

But you mustn't leave behind the wonderful gift that you received... you were able to re-connect with your bright, and young, and hopeful spirit. It's there in you... you've got it, girl.

If anything, that's the true reason why this young man came into your life for this brief time... to show you your true self. In your own words:
"- it really was an incredible journey to re-discover who I am and how much love I have to give."

That's a beautiful gift... be grateful for it and move forward with your life.

Great post, Faith, and I agree 100%.
So sorry you're hurting, Tam, but this guy is not the one for you; your eyes have been opened to the "real you" now (if you are like I was...the real me had been lost for about 15 years as I sacrificed "her" to meet everyone else's needs), and there are a bunch of truly genuine, loving, honest men of all ages out there who will be GLAD you are not a virgin or want children (like my ymbf is).

Hi Ladies

Thank you so much for your candid and honest responses. Just want you all to know that you are special and I am so grateful to have 'met' you.

I just can't help thinking that his parents are the problem and not him. Another question if you don't mind - would someone who is a self confessed virgin have cyber sex??? and let me tell you he sounds extremely experienced.

Still hurting

Tam

Tamara,

Snap out of it, ok? You've never met this guy in real life. You've never met his parents in real life. He could be handing you the biggest bunch of bull crap around. What country is he from?

We have had many, many women around here who began relationships on the internet with guys that have turned out to be not what they were supposed to be. Have you met him in person yet? Maybe he isn't a young guy.... I have more than a few friends who were bamboozeled by men over the internet by photos, conversations, etc. These young guys turned out to be married men in their 50's!

I don't doubt you are in love. But maybe you are in love with something/someone that isn't truly real..... Step back from it now, while you still can.

I just can't help thinking that his parents are the problem and not him. Another question if you don't mind - would someone who is a self confessed virgin have cyber sex??? and let me tell you he sounds extremely experienced.

Well, in answer to your first question, his parents may be an obstacle, but grown up boys make their own decisions. So, the problem is that he is unable to operate as an adult. I would question whether he is really the 23 years of age that he has stated.

The answer to question number two is yes. I play online games and have been hit on by lots of players. One person that I originally played with turned out to be 15....very bright, very intuitive and I was stunned when I found out he was in high school. He was well known to have had cybersex. When I finally saw a picture of him, it made it almost comical.....extremely young looking nerd!! I can't swear he was a virgin, but I would almost bet on it...albeit an articulate and well read virgin...lol!!

He was born in the UK and has lived in the USA for the last ten years. He is definely 23 - I checked it out on the internet.

Tam

He was born in the UK and has lived in the USA for the last ten years. He is definely 23 - I checked it out on the internet.

Tam

Tam, none of that matters now. He's not interested in you anymore. It was nice while it lasted, but now it's over. Take what you learned from it and move on.

I was just answering a question someone asked.

Tam

Ok, first of all, let me say I've always considered myself very unique because of my overly active imagination and empathic ability. I wrote my stories (on the literature board) when I was 17, never went on a date nothin or had a kiss, I was just a late bloomer, shy and all. I roleplayed and truth be told I used to be one of the best. I loved erotica, and in many ways learned a lot from it. My SO OW couldn't believe that she was going to be my first, and couldn't understand how I knew to touch her in just the right ways, cybering with her long before I saved up enough money to see her.

Now, having said I'm unique, I'm sure someone else could maybe partially, be able to do what I did.

I doubt he will ever be seriously commited to you, and I'm sorry, because I know you really liked him. The only way I believe for you to really help yourself would be to disconnect from him completly, because it's so much harder to try to just be friends.

I apologize, Tam. I didn't want what I wrote to come off as sounding quite so harsh, but I guess it did.

It's normal to want to pick apart what went wrong in a relationship, trying to make sense of it, or even trying to salvage it. But this one sounds so utterly futile... there's no point in torturing yourself over details about him or his parents... details that just don't matter any more.

Really... YOU are what matters now. Take the gift from this experience, the YOU that you've re-discovered... move on, move forward with your life, and make it good.

*pokes Faith for posting 10 milliseconds after I did*

most normal men even young ones and virgins have some exposure to sex.

i dont think its unusual he has his gameplan worked out in advance.

i would however realize that this diversion served its purpose for you to move forward into your new life and leave the past behind. its so easy to ask a million questions but it would only keep you stuck in a moment of your life that has already passed.

look forward to the future, there is a world of men out there and some will want to have a relationship with you without this guy's issues.

No problem Faith - didn't take it the wrong way at all. Thanks for all the answers it all sounds somewhat like a resounding NO GO AREA - from everyone who has posted. Loganic you mentioned to cut it dead - that would be difficult because we have become friends.
I also think that my over-excited imagination has led me to believe that there could be a chance. I only hope I will not regret meeting him in person and finding out exactly what he is all about.

I guess I will just never know.

Tam