Problem...

Hello, I’m new to this forum, my name is David and this is my situation:

All my life, from where I remember, I’ve felt a need to be with older people, when I was in primary school the only people I liked to talk to were my female teachers. When I was 7 or 8 I wanted to go out with girls but when I told them (the ones my age) about this they wouldn’t know what I was talking about. This created a very strong depression which lasted 10 years. When I was thirteen I met a 20 year-old girl with whom I formed a relationship, it lasted very little as she had to go back to her country after just two weeks of meeting me. When I was 17 I had a longer relationship with a 46 year-old woman. This was the first time in which I felt alright with the other person, it felt normal, we connected more naturally both emotionally and intellectually, but of course the relationship was kept a secret for 3 months until she too had to go back to her country. Now these two relationships happened in a very particular way in which we lived together in the same house and eventually got to know each other in depth. The problem I have today is that women in general (at least where I live, in Argentina) don’t find it conceivable to go out with a much younger man. It seems somewhat impossible for them to consider getting together with someone of my age and appearance, they are inevitably close-minded and are stuck with an idea of me without further exploring my personality. I had this exact situation some time ago, there was a woman only 5 years older than me, which is an exception, but I found her to be very special in many ways and tried to give myself the chance to know her better. We have been family friends for many years and I already knew this would affect her decision. The funny thing is that every time we were together everything seemed right, we had similar tastes and had similar opinions on life and generally liked to talk. When I told her I wanted to deepen our relationship I got a fairly expected response: she had never even thought about me as a boyfriend, she just couldn’t find it conceivable, it was different, she said she really enjoyed talking with me and that she liked me but for ‘some’ reason it didn’t feel ok. Now to me this is a kind of subconscious prejudice, it is possible of course that she really didn’t want to, but the thing is there were so many things that normally would’ve led to a love relationship, and frustratingly it didn’t. I know for sure that if I were in a body of her age, she would have never said that. The worst thing about it is that I didn’t just want to know someone better and this time it didn’t work out, it had to be her, because I rarely find very unique aspects in people and I found them in her, and it is horrible not to be able to follow this perception just because of such an insignificant detail as my look.

I generally find women from the age of 30 till around 45 more appealing, I feel very little attraction for women my age (which is nineteen) and even a few years older. The reason for this is hard to explain, I personally feel it has to do with the experience and knowledge of themselves that women acquire over the years, most people achieve this though some remain chained under the pressure of looking a certain way which only makes them more unhappy; it is yet another form of media manipulation that will continue to exist as long as people do not wake up from this eternal dream of adverts, products and superficialities. If only people knew how free they really are, shook themselves up and opened the gates of the imprisonment under which we live. I don’t mean to get carried away, but it is sad to see how structured we are forced to be, and this is partly why I don’t relate well with younger people. I simply appreciate the physical and mental maturity in older women.

So my question is: Does anyone have any comments on this? Could someone give me some advice as to how to approach women who are bound to judge me before knowing me well?

Thanks to all,

David.

First of all what a wonderful compliment to older women. Thank you - it is good to hear that there are younger men out there who appreciate us. Your situ seems difficult in that most of your relationships have been with woman who have gone back to their own countries.

Perhaps you should consider moving to another country once your studies etc. are done. A country where this type of relationship would not be frowned upon.

I am amazed that you lived with another woman at the age of 13 - wow what did your parents say about that one??

Tamara

Well, the two relashionships I mentioned were in England, where I lived for four years with my father, the 20 year-old girl was a student of my father who is a pianist; he gave a masterclass in which we all lived in a house for two weeks while the lessons took place during the day, that's how I got to know her better. The second relathionship, with the 46 year-old woman was slightly different, she was a friend of my father and came to England to look for a job, she had to go in the end as she didn't succeed in achieving her goal. My father offered our house for her to stay in, and as my father travels a lot we got to know each other quite well. My father is open-minded and completely accepted what happened with the 20 year old, but this woman was his friend and I think he had intentions of getting together with her, which she didn't. If I had told him of our situation it would've shattered him to pieces.

I hope this clears that out.

David.

OK - got you now. Do you live in Argentina now with your Dad? Are you still studying?

Tam

My dad still lives in London, I live with my mother, stepfather, sisters and dogs. I take private music composition lessons, and I'm still completing my secondary studies because of a legal problem that ocurred when I came back from London, the system here is different and I have to redo many subjects.

David.

Check your e-mail box.

Tam

looks like something's happening behind the scenes :P.
I understand your situation, because I too have been more comfortable with older people most of my life, but I suppose not to the extent you have, nor have I had as many relationships as you, despite us being the same age. You seem very independent, and I believe that you will find what you're looking for soon enough.
Two pieces of advice, keep trying, you'll meet someone and start talking to her and realise, this is who you want, and the other one is persistance. I've seen a lot of ladies describe how they were never interested in younger men . . . except their current one who kept coming back and talking and trying, and they eventually caved. If she's the right one, you will find a way. Good luck. You seem to be luckier than I've been in relationships, so may that luck pull you through.

I thank you for your support Loganic, I too believe that persistance is an important factor, in all situations of life, the only issue that still lurks at the back of my mind is how exactly to approach a woman who does not consider being with younger men. I suppose in the end it'll just happen and before I know it I will be in a relationship, otherwise I don't see any particular way of going about it.

David.

I'm sorry, I missed how old you are now.

I think it sounds like your attraction to older women comes from a genuine place in your heart. Just keep trying. I think the secret is to not to go looking for just older women, but women with whom you feel comfortable nd connected. I don't think the woman who was a family friend is a good example of closed mindedness; most of us have lines we would never cross. Having a relationship with a family friend that I had known since he was a child, would also be a line I couldn't cross.

Ahh, but thats the problem right there, When you're looking at women, you only see their outside appearance, even after a breif conversation, not many women stand out and it's not easy to tell who you're directly and easily compatible with. All he knows is that older women tend to fulfill his needs much better and therefore he wants to target them. I really think you need to go read my thread
http://www.agelesslove.com/boards/showthread.php?t=27137
which has a lot of good info, good luck ^_^

Lol. Read my post in the same thread. I would have fallen in love with the same kind of guy if he were 70 and had the interests, personality and charm that my YM does. I think when you go after people on the basis of interests and chemistry, your chances of making a great connection are better, because in my opinion, age does not define who we are. I do think there might be some generational differences, but these pale in comparison to true chemistry. If there is chemistry, certain people stand out!! I think had we been the same age when we met, the result would have been the same.

I don't know about you Loganic, but when I walk into a room full of people I do more than look at them....I listen!

I'm sorry, I'm not that great an evesdropper.

Room full of people . . . I look to see if there's anyone I know/can hide behind, and then run back out. Maybe I'll force myself to get a drink and watch people, but I get bored easily, and it makes me feel bad about not being with anyone :P

Just not comfortable around large group, working on medium groups.

I've seen a lot of ladies describe how they were never interested in younger men . . . except their current one who kept coming back and talking and trying, and they eventually caved.

This is EXACTLY what happened with my ym and I. He was 18. He considers himself shy by nature. He had very little previous relationship experience. We met online in a game and he lied about his age :rolleyes: . When he did confess his age, I freaked... not minor freak... major freak. I kept saying no. He kept saying yes. Yes won me over and we've been married since Feb 2005. I am 38 and he is 21.

Seeeeeeeeee . . . *points at Marcy* what'd I tell you, it works, it works, I swear lol.

heheh my sweetie lied about his age too at first. When I found out the truth I held him at arms length for months...but he was patient and PERSISTENT. I found it flattering after awhile that someone would want me :D This one's gonna keep me forever.

You just have to keep trying....one day someone will be flattered by you too :cool:

I never had an interest in younger guys, either. I was dating a guy 4 years older when I met Jeremy. He pursued me like crazy - even tho I was with another guy even! (He saw how often we fought and said I deserved better - him!)

I thought he was crazy and I was even crazier to consider it.

He knew I was older, but figured I was 28--30ish not 37! He was 23 at the time. He had dated a 23 year old when he was 16 and a woman in her mid 30's about a year before meeting me. He was dating younger women too, so he doesn't have any particular attraction to older women.

He just never ruled them out.

Most of these relationships seem to be originated on the internet. I find it really hard to do that, chats (at least here in Argentina) are very childish and people (even in the 40+ section) can't stop talking nonsense and making sexual remarks about everything. It seems to be filled with men wanting sex from women and nothing else, or teenagers being teenagers. I really don't know where to go to meet decent people online. I'm not sure how much you could help me on that one, unless someone else in here is from argentina. For example I'm a composer, and I like primarily classical music, and it's hard to get people to talk about that in chats. Perhaps I'm being too generic, and need to explore a bit more.

Anyway, another issue which sometimes worries me about meeting older women in person is my look, I don't look older than I am and I have spots, blackheads which I never seem to be able to get rid off, I don't have much body hair, I can't even grow a beard. It's as if every detail turns against me, still I find them to be just obstacles that I must overcome.

I agree with Rozie on the point that age does not define who we are, if I met a girl my age that had the mental maturity of a much older woman I'd be interested in knowing her better. I don't find this kind of girls in here, and if some are a bit more mature than others, it still doesn't feel like enough, but given the opportunity I'd definitely take it.

Another thing that's on my mind is the actual reason why women who post their stories here are in love with their younger man. Is it because they make you feel younger, because of their more active nature, or is it because you find them to be very similar to what a man of your age would be? What I mean is, do you see the youth in your partner and feel good about being with someone that age, or do you just perceive a much older person in them and fall in love with their intellectual and emotional depth?

Perhaps not the best of questions, perhaps the answer is 'both'. Anyway, thanks to everyone for your support.

David.

Well Devon looks like he is about 12... okay no... 15 on a good day ;). If you do a search on my posts you might even find an old one of mine that has a pic in there of him to prove it!

He's adorable and I love him, but he DOES NOT look older. Btw, I don't look younger either. I look my age and well I guess when I'm not being a smart aleck so does he. Don't let your fears of age stand in your way. It takes a very self-assured young man to beat back the fears of an older woman.

As far as meeting folks... I think the very best way is to do the things you like to do. Dev and I met online sure... but we met playing a game. We both love to game. We already had a lot in common when we met by meeting in an environment that was naturally appealing to us already. Makes sense?

Online is tough... especially because you might not be in the same city, region, country, hemispere as your partner. Devon lived in West Coast Canada and I live in the Midwest in the United States. Might not sound far, but it ain't close ;)

International LDRs might not be for you, but consider this... you sure are more likely to find someone you can connect with when your options are as big as the world.

/edited to add: We don't keep as long a history around here as we used to so that post is no longer accessible. Sorry... I'll try to post a pic with his permission later.

The answer to why a ym is a difficult one. It assumes that there is something inherent in the age of your partner that is appealing and that might just be a false assumption.

For me, I love my husband. I would have loved him at 50, but he happened to be 18. It was him and not his age that appealed to me. Perhaps in the context of an online relationship that makes more sense since one is not tied to a physical presence to distract or focus ;).

y'know...my sweetie asked me once why I kept our relationship going....

I'm 30...but I've never been married (long...my previous died a week after) and never had kids...only had two serious relationships in my life (I was too busy in school and work) So, most of my peers seem way older than I am...and treat me like the "little sister" (one friend who is only 3 years older even calls me her adopted kid...sheesh! I definitely do not act like a kid!) most of the time. I'm still a pretty free spirit, open minded and optomistic, idealistic, wide eyed and sometimes pretty nieve....I guess I never really thought about it until after sweetie came along, but I fit in better with younger people because my life stage is not like that of others my own age, I'm more like a college girl than someone who just turned 30.

It's not that I want to recapture my youth...I don't quite feel like an adult yet, really. :cool: And...I wasn't trying to replace a relationship...cause I had resigned myself to being alone...I absolutely did not want that I'm cheating feeling I was getting...and really, we were into the same things...he's just a funny nice charming guy....so I love him