Update on Tough Call

:( we had the conversation i mentioned in my previous post today over lunch.

neither of us intended to have it today but fate and other topics brought it out.
It was a very very difficult discussion, and from where i stand the end result is that she doesn't want to have anymore children due to the lack of desire and the amount of energy it takes to raise a child. She also said that after raising her 2 children she has found herself again and gotten back to having a life of her own where she can feel comfortable with leaving her kids with friends over the weekends and ejoy herself some. She doesn't want to lose that anytime soon. we discussed her procedure and i told her I respect her rights to do with her body as she wishes. she see's through me and knows that i still hold onto hope of us rasing a child together. She feels extremely guilty and would like nothing more than to give me a child but she doesn't feel she is capable of going at it again. this discussion of course led us to our future and other things.

I'll back track we first started off talking about moving in together and how until her divorce is final and she is in a new house that would not be possible, and at this point we aren't ready for that just yet. When we move in together she wants it to feel like my home just as much as hers. So we agreed that right now it would be hasty to rush into it but that it has been a thought in her mind, and she has run it by her chidren who didn't have much of a reaction either way.

as we progressed on in the children conversation it grew more difficult. i asked her what she thought of us not being together and she said she tries to look at it head up, but she knows that emotionally it will catch up with her. I then asked if we could ahve a futre together would she want one she said "yes I belive I would" I thanked her for her honesty in all we discussed and told her that i truly love her. she said to me "i wouldn't have it any other way we are to good for anything but. she told me she loved me very much.

after returning to work i was upset and felt like i had been punched in the gut. I emailed her and asked her if she felt the same way. she said " I am feeling very torn up, i couldn't of explained it any better
any other way, that's it exactly. Like we either ripped a huge f'ing
whole somewhere and left it completely empty, or are embarking down a
path of the unknown which is so ambiguous it feels grey"

this is so hard to contemplate, i told her i felt pressured in certain ways about deciding on my future right now because i am happy with her and i don't want to be unhappy. she said she knows that it would hurt to let me go but she knows that by doing that she may give me the oppurtunity to find someone who can give me everything i need. i said I can't belive that i have come so close to all the things i have wanted and then may have to risk losing it for things that definetly aren't as certain. I also said, it plain s*cks, I don't wnat that hole there, and i imagine you don't either. I want us to be like we have always been happy, and thats just what i am I am happy with you in my life, we benfit eaqch other in so
many ways. i can't imagine anyone possibly filling the space you fill
inside of me, the mere thought of someone else even trying disgusts me.
I agree its a path of unknown which really is the future we don't know
its very grey and vast. we have always taken it day by day and thats
worked the best, perhaps thats what we should continue to do, until
there is no more to do and we have given it our all and taken it to its
maximum potential. i don't want to give this up or lose it, it feels so
right.

this is so huge on us emotionally, how can we be ahppy like this but be faced with the possibility that it may not work out, i guesse thats any relaitonship and you run that risk but damn this is heart breaking.

Maybe the happiness you get from being with her would more than compensate for the life you might get from a mediocre marriage with biological children.

On the other hand, I told Jeremy that I didn't want any more children and I'm due, with our baby, in October!

Either way, I wouldn't write it off yet.

I definetly don't want to write it off. I do however seem to have to write off children because she would like to have this procedure done in the next couple months.

I've been following your posts without comment, but now I want to add my take on it...

It seems to me that she is trying to regain her balance and control of her life as she moves through these stressful divorce proceedings. Think of all the issues she is grappling with... divorce, house, her own two children, her health... and add to that the pressure you are putting forth about making a decision now for your future together.

My advice is to ease off the pressure and instead be the supportive lover and friend she needs in order to find her balance over next few months. Don't back her into a corner... or yourself either! Don't be another source of pressure right now. Instead be the shoulder to cry on, the man to lean on, the one she wants to be with.

Breathe... she's not getting the operation done right away. She might look at that idea differently in a month or two.

So sorry to hear about the stress you two are under....I can feel the pain in your text and know what its like to be torn up over something that it threatening your happiness with someone you love.

It does sound like she has alot on her plate right now - and I respect her for being honest with you and not building up false hopes just to keep you in her life. Maybe taking it a day at a time is best for both of you, because life changes daily it seems, and things may look different to both of you as the days, weeks and months progress.

Good luck with all of it...I really hope it all works out. :)

Hi Tyomguy,

That must be so agonising...hugs to you, hon! I have no advice; I just wanted to say that I think its great that you talked so openly about it all. You have a great relationship.

I hope it all works out for you both....never let go of hope:)

I certainly understand your feelings as well as hers.

I was in one other relationship with a younger man, and he had told me many times he was OK with the fact that I could not have more children. Until a year later when he sent me a "Dear Jane" email that said he had met someone else and she was still able to breed (nice way of putting it huh?).

So of course a fews years later when I met my b/f (now husband) and we started talking, one of the first things I told him was that I was unable to have more children and if this was important to him, he needed to tell me, as our relationship would be restricted to friendship. I guess I was very lucky. Knowing he might be considering a relationship with a woman older then himself, he had aleady thought about this subject. He thought the odds would be fairly high that the person he might/would meet would not want to or would not be able to have more children.

His response to me was, "if we fall in love with each other, I would rather have years of being loved by you and loving you. I don't see myself saying, OK I'm 95% happy and in love, gee should I trade up my love to 97% so I might have a child? That is not the way love works."

I believed what he said, I had no reason not to, and I still don't.

I hope that with time, each of you will find what you need to be fulfilled completely.

Hoping for the best for both of you,
Fae

I agree its a path of unknown which really is the future we don't know
its very grey and vast. we have always taken it day by day and thats
worked the best, perhaps thats what we should continue to do, until
there is no more to do and we have given it our all and taken it to its
maximum potential. i don't want to give this up or lose it, it feels so
right.

Now THAT makes a lot of sense! :) I wish you well!

you've taken the first step, and like I mentioned before, you did the only thing you could and should have done, and talked to her. You're both hurt because you may have to give something important to you and she shares your pain. I think you also need to remember and empathize with how she's feeling coming out of the mess of her life and trying to get herself cleaned up. Support her and be there for her. I think you two can make it work, won't be easy, few relationships are, but you may persevere yet. Good luck and I wish you the best.

thanks to all who have offered advice and encouragement. It is a difficult thing right now. i feel all kind of torn up inside and confused, feeling angry and hurt and feeling like i should run away, but i don't want to run. I know she is feeling many of the same things to. I asked her how she was yesterday evening and she said she was "fine" to which i asked if it was her superficial fine as in womanese shes not fine. she said she was really fine and that for now she had tabeled her emotions to the subject and conversation, because thats just her and the way she is. personally if felt a little annoyed by that comment becasue i was dealing with it internally and its a whirlwind. But eventually she will let it out with me.

We spoke again later not about the subject but regular conversation, i tried to meet her where she was at and be superficially upbeat. we were discussing our evening plans seperate from one another and it turned out she wanted me to come over but i couldn't due to prior obligation with my band. Then the conversation took an interesting twist and she began to tell me that she was slightly put off that i did not discuss my plans to rejoing a previous band i was in with her. Mainly for me becasue i didn't have my mind made up totally about it. Then the truth came out that by me being with this other band it takes away time out of my week that i could spend with her and potentially weekends becasue thats when we play shows. through the conversation she started to get really frustrated with herself becasue infact she was admitting that she needed me and wanted me around more. I found it sweet and endearing and amde me feel wanted an appreciated. she said it made her feel like gagging because she did not like feeling vulnerable and raw like that and she vowed she would never let herself get that way again. She apologized for saying anything at all and was very mad at herself for doing so, stating she felt like she was giving me some sort of power or being empowered. which i would never use against or take advantage of. She told me she did not want what she said to sway my decision with being in the band and that its one of things that makes me who i am and she doesn't want to be the whiny girly girl telling me i can't be in the band. needless to say i was flattered and very confused and she hung up the phone annoyed with herself. i told her it was ok to be honest and admit she missed me and wanted me around more and that she didn't like the idea of me spending more time away, i said i wanted to know those things otherwise they would come up later and in an ugly way. I said "sweetheart its good that you miss me it makes me feel good, its ok honey.' and she got all defensive and said i was patronizing her. so i shut my mouth and ended it at that. (head spinning)

WOW!!! women, you guys sometimes make it so hard on yourselves. Then for us guys we are elft with the "what the hell just happened" feeling. aye a headache approaches.

Naw, you guys (you and your girlfriend) make it hard on yourselves. You expect so much of each other and are so hard on yourselves. You both have lots of emotion and express it so differently. Chalk anything that happened yesterday up to the emotion surrounding the stuff you guys talked about. Yesterday was HUGE! Resist the temptation to analyze anything that either of you say in the next few days. I think she loves you; you obviousy love her. For the moment, that's good enough!

didn't think of it that way rozie but that makes sense i think i'll go with that plan.