pregnant!! guys (and girls) really need advice!

i haven't been in here for ages!! guess that is a good thing cos it means all has been great. im 34 and he's 23 and we've been together for 20months and continue to be happy and in love. as you can read from my heading, we have a dilema...........im pregnant.

i really need to hear some sound advice and opinions (i guess from guys around his age who are with an older woman) and anyone who has some advice on what you all think of my situation. here goes........

due to my medical history (having one ovarie removed and having had abnormal cells on my cervix which i need to keep having chekd) i have always been afraid of the possibility i may not be lucky enough to have children and be a mum. my doctor suggested my contraception pill may be having an affect on my health, so suggested i stop. after discussing this with mr (then 22) we decided that we would stop taking it, play very safe and deal with consequences if something ever happened.
after 7months, and a couple of slip ups on mr 23's behalf, i have suprisingly fallen pregnant!
my dilema is that mr 23 says that he really wants to spend his life and future with me and never thought of having a baby until he met me but............he says he's not ready for a baby right now and suggested i terminate and we try again in a couple of years when he is a little older and financially confident. he told me that if i'm really worried i wont conceive again that i should freeze some of my eggs (and even his sperm) and then when we chose to try, if we have trouble then we always have that to fall back on. says he feels to young to be a dad at the moment but that he really loves me and wants to have a baby with me in the future.
from my side, i am terrified that if i give up this baby (because he wants me to) that i may never have a chance again. i love him so much and to have his child would be a blessing. also, i dont want to resent him in the future for encouraging me to terminate when im not sure thats what i want. my friends tell me that if he really loved me, and did want to have a baby with me in the future, that even though this is unplanned and he's not ready that he should step up and stick by me whatever i choose.
i am afraid to terminate and never get another chance at feeling a life grow inside me, to be the mother of his child........but on the other hand i dont want to force him in to being a father when he's not ready and risk losing him?!!!

i am so very confused right now and as i dont have family to talk to i would love some help here. please be honest and i really look forward to hearing what you all have to say.

thanks so much :)

I think that your friends are correct when they say he should step up to the plate after he mentioned he would deal with the consequences if you were ever to get pregnant. I suggest that the first thing would be not to panic or you will have an emotional fallout.

And I understand why you are so confused. From what i read on your post, he doesn't seem to be giving you support. And it would be in your best interest if you were to make a decision soon.

Welcome back! I'm glad things have been going well for you in your life...

The overwhelming thing that I really feel I must say to you is that you can never, ever make a decision based on the hope of a second chance...second chances are never gauranteed in life. Not only should we not take for granted our second chances, but we should be so very thankful for ANY chance that we are given at something miraculous and amazing like having a child. People spend their entire adult lives praying, spending their life savings, having risky treatments, and going through stressful, expensive, and often unfruitful adoption processes just in hopes of trying to have children and create a family...

We can't live our lives putting everything off until the "perfect" moment....typically moments don't become "perfect" until after we've jumped head first into a potentionally unperfect situation and realized, "hey...this is great!"...The fault is not of the child, unfortunately if your YM didn't want to have a child he should have acted in a way that would have not resulted in a child...it's not the unborn baby's fault.

Neither of you are at an age where you could not handle a child...so what if the conditions are not ideal, the child itself will be more ideal than either of you could ever have imagined...and as I said, second chances are not gauranteed, especially in your condition.

Please give this some very deep thought before you do anything that you will regret...

Best of luck,

~A.

Well my advice is not so much for you, but for others who might be in your position when you decided to come off the pill. To leave the question of what will happen if an unexpected pregnancy occurs answered with "we'll deal with it" really sets one up for this dilemma. Please people, answer this question with your SO in some detail, before you choose to have unprotected sex!

As for you current dilemma, first just give both of you a few days, even a week or two to let this sink in. Then, I think a good place to start would to be to sit down with your SO and the doctor and ask the hard questions about your reproductive health. All moral stuff and personal readiness issues aside, what your chances for subsequent pregnancies are, would have a lot to do with what you both might choose. Also, what kind of therapy you have had on your cervix, could impact on the chances of carrying this pregnancy successfully. So get that informaton and then start talking about how you, as a couple want to handle this. Ultimately, just because you bear this child, you will carry the bulk of any decision you make. So make sure that YOU are comfortable with whatever you choose. A decsion that makes him happy, does you no good if you are not equally happy with it.

it seems that i would be wise to give it a little more time. i am very easily emotionally manipulated and tend to be the type who doesnt like to upset or dissapoint others. i am fighting the urge to do what he wants because i am afraid of what others will think to a point. he has probably given me a lot of mixed messages where children are concerned and i am a little suprised by his reaction. he is wonderful with children and would be a great father and role model. am i to think that he does not love me truly if he demands i terminate this pregnancy because he is not ready? or is he just afraid of losing a couple of years? we dont have a huge partying social life, we have lots of common interests and get out and about but are generally pretty happy at home in our world. why has he freaked out now? is it because it was unexpected? does he not love me as much as he says? i dont want to feel pushed in to not having this child as i believe it is a gift and that everything happens for a reason. but i cant ignore the impact it will have on him either.

the more advice and opinion i get here, the better. i thank you in advance.:confused:

am i to think that he does not love me truly if he demands i terminate this pregnancy because he is not ready?

I don't think I could say that his wish to terminate a pregnancy means he loves you less. It sort of depends on how he is expressing his unreadiness. If he is "demanding" of you, then yes, that shows a real disregard for you rather than love.

he hasnt 'demanded' but has expressed that 'we cant have this baby, im not ready to be a dad yet, i feel to young, there are stil a few things i want to do before i bring a baby in to this world, i love you so much but we cant do this yet'.
i want to believe that he does truly love me as much as he says but it makes me also feel that if he did, then we should be able to do this, to work through it? am i being selfish because i really want to be a mum and feel that i have been given my chance? regardless of if he thinks he's to young?

Emotional manipulation is not a reason to end the life of a child...especially if you know that this is a weakness of yours.

From my side, i am terrified that if i give up this baby (because he wants me to) that i may never have a chance again. i love him so much and to have his child would be a blessing. also, i dont want to resent him in the future for encouraging me to terminate when im not sure thats what i want. my friends tell me that if he really loved me, and did want to have a baby with me in the future, that even though this is unplanned and he's not ready that he should step up and stick by me whatever i choose.
i am afraid to terminate and never get another chance at feeling a life grow inside me, to be the mother of his child........but on the other hand i dont want to force him in to being a father when he's not ready and risk losing him?!!!

i am so very confused right now and as i dont have family to talk to i would love some help here. please be honest and i really look forward to hearing what you all have to say.

thanks so much :)

Well, I have been in this situation (prengnant while not married, not the ovary/cervix thing) and from the sounds of your posts, there are alot of different things to consider here.

First of all, what do YOU want? You thought you couldn't get pregnant and now you're thrilled that you were actually able to get pregnant, BUT are you ready for a child? Regardless of your BF, are YOU willing to change your entire life to become a mother? Is your desire to be a mother great enough that you will raise the child on your own if your BF decides to split because he's not ready to become a dad?

Secondly, as far as your friends telling you that your BF needs to "step up to the plate" and deal with the consequences of the pregnancy, what exactly does that mean? Does that mean they expect him to marry you, or to just stick around and help support the child without you having to chase him down through the court systems for child support? Would you actually want a man to marry you out of obligation? Would you want a man who has TOLD you he is not ready for a child to stick around and live with you, again out of obligation, and not out of love? Sure, its selfish for him to now change his mind AFTER he told you that he'd "deal with the consequences", but will forcing him to step up make either of you happy? Only you know how this guy might react if in fact you went ahead and had the baby without his consent. Maybe it would turn into a great thing and he'd be happy to have a child with you......or, maybe he would become very resentful and you'd find yourselves stuck together "for the sake of the kid".

As far as the moral and emotional issues tied to your pregnancy, I can't speak to that because I don't know if there are religious matters or other reasons why you wouldn't feel comfortable terminating the pregnancy.

I do agree with the comment made by Amina that you cannot make your decision hoping that you will be able to get pregnant again in the future, so if motherhood is important to YOU, then you need to really think about that before you terminate. Also, being that the guy is not even your husband, I would not be likely to make my decision based on solely his desires...and that includes paying money to freeze eggs/sperm for the future.

I ended up terminating my own pregnancy because it did not present any moral issue for me, and because I was not ready to have a child. My BF could have gone either way with it....but because I wasn't ready I said no. He knows that as I get older I may or may not be able to have children and he's okay with that...and so am I. Just make sure that whatever you do, you're making the decision for you and not just for him.

I loved Amina's post about not trusting a second chance.

I always had problems conceiving. I finally had my pregnancy, which resulted in my son. This was when I was 31. I got pregnant twice again at 2 year intervals but my hormones would not sustain the pregnancies. Soon after, I was affected by early menopause ending my chances of getting pregnant before I turned 40.

If you think that you have the love, time, and resources to raise your child, I do not see why you should terminate the pregancy.

In either case this is not a decission that can be postponed indefinitely. And it is YOUR decission to make, not his.

I had a similar situation when I was 16 and pregnant. MY bf at the time, his mother, my mother all wanted me to terminate the pregnancy. I ended up not being able to go through with it.
I am no longer with the bf/ex husband..... but that baby girl is now a woman and my best friend. Go with your heart I say...

If he's old enough to have unprotected sex - knowing the consequences - he's old enough to have a kid.

Knowing your condition, I think it incredibly insensitive & selfish of him to even ask you to terminate. Not to mention that abortion also carries risks - both for the woman's health and fertility.

I am pro-choice and have terminated early pregnancy. So I don't say this from any bias that way.

However, my fiance is 25. We are expecting our "surprise" Oct. 24th. Its the 3rd child for BOTH of us. Meaning - he already has two. They are 7 & 5. Mine are 13 & 15. (I'm 39)

I'm sure Jeremy wasn't "ready" either, but he took responibility for his actions. At 25, he amazingly survived having 2 kids before he was even 20. We can't really afford to have this baby, but it really would have just been selfish to end it's life. There really was no other way to justify it. So, the day before I was scheduled to go to the clinic, I realized this, called Jeremy and asked if he wanted to be my "baby daddy" (LOL) & he said, "Hell yeah!" even though he knew it would mean even more stress and sacrifice. Turns out I'm having the girl I always wanted, so I'm so glad I changed my mind even more!

Your guy is asking you to risk your physical & mental health & possible future children cause he wanted to get his rocks off without protection. An abortion isn't like getting a wart removed. I think he needs to have a little perspective. And he DOES need to step up and take responsibility. Too bad if he's not ready. If he speeds and crashes without insurance, too bad if he wasn't ready to pay for a new car. It was his own actions which got you both into this and he can't expect you to be the one to pay for it and fix it for him.

If he does, you don't want to be with someone so selfish in the first place!

i want to believe that he does truly love me as much as he says but it makes me also feel that if he did, then we should be able to do this, to work through it? am i being selfish because i really want to be a mum and feel that i have been given my chance? regardless of if he thinks he's to young?

Fortyish gave some excellent advice. Are YOU ready for this? This is what it may boil down to. I also agree with Amina's post about manipulation. If you are well known for worrying about what others think, I worry you will make a decision to please others and not yourself. I think letting this settle a bit is wise.

In answer to your question, don't put too much weight on anything your BF says in the next few days. Once you have had a chance to do some serious talking I think you will be able to answer your own questions about him. I agree with you that if he truly loves you and if you truly love him, you should be able to work it through.

A few random points in this weird numbered format because I don't feel up to making it all flow nicely:

1) if you are old enough to say "let's do it without protection and deal with the consequences" you are old enough to be a father.

2) NEVER EVER EVER terminate a pregnancy because a guy wants you to. Relationships break up ALL THE TIME. 50% of marriages end in divorce, for example.

3) Abortions can sometimes (I don't know how often) lead to difficulty with keeping future pregnancies.

4) Freezing eggs is REMARKABLY expensive and doesn't in any way guarantee that you'll be able to carry a future child to term.

5) 23 year old guys often have no clue how difficult it is to conceive past 35-ish for some women.

6) I think it's kind of awful how it was implied by the "let's deal with it when it happens" thing that he'd be up to having a kid if you got pregnant so that he could have condom-free sex, but now he's saying to terminate. Abortions are not a form of birth control. If he knew he wasn't ready, he should have worn condoms, period.

Remember "our bodies, our choice"? That works for deciding to keep it, too.

Wasn't sure if I was actually going to respond to this thread, but after reading everything, I couldn't help myself. As Kristin said, I'm pro-choice as well, so my response has nothing to do with bias and EVERYTHING to do with the importance of THINKING ABOUT YOUR OWN NEEDS/WANTS/DESIRES.

ChiGrkguy pretty much said everything I was going to:

Personally, I think that it should be your decision based on how you feel. Do you want it? If so, then you should have it. I hate being cynical, but last thing you want to do is to terminate for him, and soon thereafter you two are no longer a couple. That will devastate you more than if you have it and then break up. Thats only if YOU want to have it. If you personally feel that you don't want it, then you should proceed. By having it because you want to, even if he doesn't, will eventually make you thankful you did, because you will still hold something you value in the end, regardless of the outcome of the relationship. However, if you don't have it even though you want it and something goes wrong down the line, it will be very hard to forgive yourself for making that decision if things go wrong in the future.

Operative words in the quote:

Do YOU want this child? Think about this question, away from any outside pressure, and be TRUE to yourself.

How WOULD YOU feel if the two of you split-up in a year? Would you have regrets over making a decision SOLEY based upon being "emotionally manipulated?" I realize this is tough to think about, but CAN happen. It is also something that cannot be undone.

I understand that you want to be "pleasing" to your SO, however; it does not appear that he is willing to provide you with the same type of support. I hear all the time that the man "blames" the woman for "ruining their life." If you're old enough to play, you're old enough to pay. It truly is important for people to acknowledge the consequences of their actions. We all know that pregnancy is something that can happen when having unprotected sex, but you didn't get pregnant by yourself. Just please keep in mind that just because he is the "love of your life" right now, that he may not be, for any number of reasons, in the future.

It's a tough call for you to make and I certainly don't envy you, one bit. But you really need to take some time to think about this and get in touch with your own feelings, wants, and desires. When I was 31, I thought I was pregnant (ex had moved on) and was devasted to learn that I wasn't because I wanted a child that badly. To this day, I still wish I'd never spent almost 6 years of my life with a man that didn't want children (foolishly hoping that he would change his mind). But, everything happens for a reason, they say.

Good luck with this. I'm hoping that your SO will have a change of heart and will let all of this info absorb without encouraging you to make a decision that you may/may not regret.

Bottom line: Think about YOU. You may not ever get this opportunity again. Pay attention to what the other posters have said, too, about expenses and such, all of these things are factors to think about. I wish you well in your quest.

I am adamantly pro choice. I would support a good friend thru terminating a pregnancy, and have. I have also had to make this tough decision in my life as well. I had to search my soul deeply, as I knew my decision was irrevocable. Please so NOT buckle under to what ANYONE tells you to do. YOU must make this decision based on what is in your heart and soul. YOU have to be the one to live the rest of your life with the consequences. What YOU decide is the best decision for YOU, is the right one. I do wish you strength and luck with your decision.

Well I'm 54 and back in the day there was a saying, "If you play; you pay."

Your guy isn't a kid, and he knows what happens when you have unprotected sex. Every word I read in your posts say that you want to have this baby, even though it's unexpected, BUT you are afraid if you do, you'll lose him. If he leaves you because of the pregnancy, then's he not a man you thought he was because he made a CHOICE to have sex without protection. You know that. It's just hard for your to face, and I understand that, too.

Sweetie, do what you know is right for you. If your boyfriend really loves you and is a responsible man, he'll figure out how he can manage you, a new baby and "doing the things he needs to do" as well.

I think that the young man set himself up by not using birth control, and needs to face the consequences of his actions. Whether he stays with you or not, that is his child, and it is his duty to help provide for it financially or otherwise (in other words, if he isn't raking in the dough, he needs to be baby-sitter, diaper changer, etc. until he is, then do both). He realized that there was a distinct possibility that you might become pregnant if he had sex without birth control, and that he said he would deal with it when the time came. The time came, you want the kid, and he needs to deal, and do what he can to help you and his child, even if it means putting off certain things that he wants to do, or having to do them differently to work with having a child. There are single moms that go to college full time and work to support their child. If they can do that, then surely he can deal with any 'inconveniences' that arise from having to HELP you raise a child (not necessarily doing it all himself).

BTW, just so your boyfriend knows, this is from another young man that is 21 years old.

i am at work right now so do not have time to post a full response. but wow, you have all given me alot to think about. maybe i need him to read what you have all had to say? your advice and opinions are so valuable to me and i thank you all. any more will be very welcome. bye for now.
he said to me last night that 'its cool thinking im a dad at the moment but the future is what worries him......

1) if you are old enough to say "let's do it without protection and deal with the consequences" you are old enough to be a father.

In general Pinkcat, I agree with everything you just said. However, I think the "just deal with it" part was a really immature answer and should have been a red flag. If a YM is really mature he gives an honest, rather than evasive answer. "If you get pregnant, you need to know I am not ready to have kids and you may be on your own on that."

My BF and I crossed the same decision making point when we started to have unprotected intercourse. Basically I said while it was unlikely that I would become pregnant, he needed to know I would not terminate a pregancy, unless because of my age, there was something drastically wrong medically. He said he wouldn't expect that from me and would never try to interject himself in that decision and if it meant he became a father, he would try to be a good father. Didn't say he would marry me...admitted I would probably have most of the burden financially, but he would be there for me and that child.

I wish Roughharrow had been able to have this kind of discussion. I feel really badly now that she is faced with such a dilemma! But you know folks, this keeps coming up on these boards. Whatever you feel about abortions, it is an extreme choice to have to make. I guess I am imploring people to not put themselves in that position to begin with!

I am also prochoice, so keep that in mind. I have the gut feeling that you do want this child, judging by your post. You would like your baby's father to be fully into it, but he's not right now. No one can know now how that might play out, or how it might be important for his growth to go through this crisis. You are being faced with a truly adult decision, and you can't do it with purely your mind. Listen to your heart. Listen to the child. Get quiet and tune in. Again, I don't think you would have a shred of doubt about having the child if your young man was 100% into it... so go with what fate is offering you... On some level you both chose this pregnancy....
best of everything! S

[QUOTE=FortyishCutie]

Regardless of your BF, are YOU willing to change your entire life to become a mother? Is your desire to be a mother great enough that you will raise the child on your own if your BF decides to split because he's not ready to become a dad?

Secondly, as far as your friends telling you that your BF needs to "step up to the plate" and deal with the consequences of the pregnancy, what exactly does that mean? Does that mean they expect him to marry you, or to just stick around and help support the child without you having to chase him down through the court systems for child support? Would you actually want a man to marry you out of obligation? Would you want a man who has TOLD you he is not ready for a child to stick around and live with you, again out of obligation, and not out of love?


fortyishcutie, i would never expect him to marry me just because we have got pregnant, but yes i would expect that he would stick by me and support me and that we would bring our baby up together, especially if he loves me as much as he says he loves me. put it this way, i love him truly and deeply and would stick by him and support him, whatever the situation, because thats what you do when you truly love someone.
you say would i want him to stick around out of obligation, not love? no, and as far as i am aware he does love me, so i expected that he would stand by me, because he loves me, not out of obligation. obligation would be if we were not in a loving stable relationship, had a fling, and got pregnant.
but we are in a stable loving relationship, and new all the possibilities, and as he said 'if something happens we will deal with it when it happens'. i dont know how that sounds to all of you, but to me he didnt appear to phased about the possibilities of a pregnancy and i am feeling hurt by his reaction. but, i am very good at hiding my deep dark fears, as i have mentioned before, i dont like to upset. he is a wonderful man and having a child with him seems like a gift i just cant throw away. i am so confused :confused:

I do not know the financial situation, so I cannot say 100% whether it would be a good idea one way or another.
If financially you can, then do what you want. This probably means having the child.
If not, then it's not so easy, but you could probably find help. It just means more work and trouble.

Abortion because He says so is simply an opinion and to be honest, not that significant in the larger scheme of things. Your opinion and desire matters overwhelmingly. His opinion and the actual viability are to be considered when you're sitting on the fence. Abortion is often a horrendously traumatic experience and causes depression in many ladies. Don't do it, unless you know 200% you don't want the baby.

loganic, you mention about being financially able to do this. while we are not 'well off' and do have our share of minor debt, we both have good jobs and i would make sure of a savings plan to have a little money for when/if the baby comes.
i beleive that no one is really financially 'ready' for a child unless they are well off to begin with, but most people cope and find ways to make it work.
i am just a little taken back by my ym's attitude and response to this. i could do it on my own, but i have waited and waited to have meet that special man who loves me and wants a family with me. i will continue shortly

As for you current dilemma, first just give both of you a few days, even a week or two to let this sink in. Then, I think a good place to start would to be to sit down with your SO and the doctor and ask the hard questions about your reproductive health. All moral stuff and personal readiness issues aside, what your chances for subsequent pregnancies are, would have a lot to do with what you both might choose. Also, what kind of therapy you have had on your cervix, could impact on the chances of carrying this pregnancy successfully. So get that informaton and then start talking about how you, as a couple want to handle this. Ultimately, just because you bear this child, you will carry the bulk of any decision you make. So make sure that YOU are comfortable with whatever you choose. A decsion that makes him happy, does you no good if you are not equally happy with it.

I think this was excellent advice. Read it again. You've got a lot of emotion going on now, but there are practical decision to be made about your reproductive health. And those are YOUR decisions to make. Then you must make decisions as a couple.

Taking responsibility for another person's life is overwhelming. Your b/f is feeling this. But no one is ever really ready to have a child. It all gets scary at one point or another. My b/f was 23 when I got pregnant...unplanned....ironically, same deal. (He said, "If you get preganant, we'll deal with it...we need some family.") I was 27. I suggested termination because I didn't want to "trap" him, even though we were quite in love with each other and I was ready to have a child. He said "No, I want you to have it." We got married, a mutual decision. Thirteen years later, he told the marriage counselor that he never wanted to marry me, but he felt like he "had to, she was pregnant." I remember looking at him incredulously and thinking "who is this man?"

Things almost never turn out the way you think they will. Ultimately you have to do what's right for you. I have a great daughter and a wonderful granddaughter.
And the ex? He's someone else's problem now.

Your guy might not be ready to have a kid. But this kid is ready to come here anyway.

my ym has led me to believe that he really loves me and wants to spend his life with me, but am i fooling myself?
he texted me after i had finished work today to tell me he had some new wheels for his car (has been wanting and waiting for them for a while) and that could i pick him up from the shed later? he didnt ask how i was. i guess i felt hurt that he didnt, but that may not be because he doesnt care but just that his mind is on other things for the moment?
or am i making excuses for his behaviour? i have always felt that he does really love me, as he does show it in lots of ways. but now i am confused, even though he reassures me he does, the fact that he is not prepared to have this baby with me makes me feel a little crushed. if a man truly loves you wouldnt he support you regardless of the decision? or is it simply because he's not ready for this, but does love me?
sorry if i am rambling on, i am just so suprised by how he is dealing with this, its not wat i expected.

If a man truly loves you wouldnt he support you regardless of the decision? or is it simply because he's not ready for this, but does love me?

Rougharrow: This is what I was talking about in my prior post.....obligation! If your YM's priorities are still on things like new wheels for his vehicle (especially in light of the fact that he already knows you are pregnant and might be having a baby), how is he going to feel when he has to give up all the "extras" he's used to buying for himself and sacrifice for a child that he doesn't want you to have? I'm sorry, but to believe that "love will conquer all" in this situation and/or to assume that if he "really" loves you he will support you is not being realistic.

Yes, if in the truest sense of the word he LOVED you (meaning he places greater or equal importance on your happiness than his own) then you could probably assume that no matter what he'd step up and make you happy. But sometimes the capacity to love that deeply and unselfishly takes maturity - and let's face it - at 23 he still has alot of growing up left to do.

I think Supernova hit the nail on the head - you want this baby, but your BF does not, and you are very disappointed by this. So, knowing that fact, you have to decide if you want to have the child for yourself...and potentially BY yourself. I think if you go into this assuming this guy is going to be there forever is a mistake. Maybe he will, maybe he won't - but you have to deal with the consequences of a child either way.

A child is not a new job or an expensive pair of shoes...these are things we say "should I do it or not?" A child should not be one of these kinds of decisions, especially given the fact that there is no good reason why you can't have a child...any problem in the relationship is the problem or mistake of you and your boyfriend, to punish the child for those poor decisions is totally unfair...

it sounds like you are focusing (understandably) on the issue of whether or not your b/f "loves" you. if you are basing your decision making on this, you are going to continue to be confused. love comes and goes. the only love that's 100% solid is your love for yourself and for this baby. go with that.

it sounds like you are focusing (understandably) on the issue of whether or not your b/f "loves" you. if you are basing your decision making on this, you are going to continue to be confused. love comes and goes. the only love that's 100% solid is your love for yourself and for this baby. go with that.

I could not have said it better. Great post Kat!

Why not go through the pregnancy if the Dr. says it would be ok given your medical history. Even if you feel that you do not want the child, I can assure you that there are many who would. To me it seems this could be a good answer. It's only nine months of carrying and then you could adopt the little one out to someone that wants to give a child all that they need.

I only say this because it is a subject close to my heart. Brownbear and I adopted our youngest daughter. She could have been terminated *shudder*, as some of her siblings have been. And the biological mother was thinking of doing so to our daughter as well. Thankfully, she decided to finish the pregnancy. We wanted her and she is having a rich, full life with lots of love and care. I don't know what the world would have been like without her. She has a lot to offer and I am so happy that she has the chance to do so.

Please realize that I am by no means trying to be "preachy" on the subject of abortion. I am only trying to get you to see another option. And I am giving you our true life story.

This is our child who could have been terminated.

http://img75.imageshack.us/img75/5219/dscf00048dm1.jpg

Thankfully, she is alive and well and experiencing life. Thankfully, the opportunity wasn't taken from her. The world would not be as wonderful without her.

it sounds like you are focusing (understandably) on the issue of whether or not your b/f "loves" you. if you are basing your decision making on this, you are going to continue to be confused. love comes and goes. the only love that's 100% solid is your love for yourself and for this baby. go with that.


Great Post Kat..... A childs love is unconditional.. My son as he looks in my eyes is magical.

=

Why not go through the pregnancy if the Dr. says it would be ok given your medical history. Even if you feel that you do not want the child, I can assure you that there are many who would. To me it seems this could be a good answer. It's only nine months of carrying and then you could adopt the little one out to someone that wants to give a child all that they need.

I only say this because it is a subject close to my heart. Brownbear and I adopted our youngest dauhgter. She could have been terminated *shudder*, as some of her siblings have been. And the biological mother was thinking of doing so to our daughter as well. Thankfully, she decided to finish the pregnancy. We wanted her and she is having a rich, full life with lots of love and care. I don't know what the world would have been like without her. She has a lot to offer and I am so happy that she has the chance to do so.

Please realize that I am by no means trying to be "preachy" on the subject of abortion. I am only trying to get you to see another option. And I am giving you our true life story.

This is our child who could have been terminated.

http://img75.imageshack.us/img75/5219/dscf00048dm1.jpg

Thankfully, she is alive and well and experiencing life. Thankfully, the opportunity wasn't taken from her. The world would not be as wonderful without her.

Ok now I'm crying...I am so glad you shared this story

Great post Kindanice!

To the OP - like I always say - If you wait until you can afford kids, you'll never have them! And there ARE lots of programs available.

One of the reasons I was thinking of ending my current pregnancy was finances and no insurance.

Welll, Jeremy just got a promotion and I got complete coverage form the local Healthy Start program.

How crappy would I have felt having terminated because of finances knowing what I know now!!

Things have a way of working themselves out and I truely believe everything happens for a reason.

What if this is God's way of giving you a baby before it's too late? (Ask anyone, I'm NOT religious, but you know what I mean.)

rougharrow,

If you want this baby then have it. This may be your only chance at pregnancy. I was pregnant at 30 (miscarried) and never fell pregnant again (still hoping) so do not presume that it will happen again, as nothing is certain where fertility is concerned.

At 23 he is old enough to take responsibility for a child, my partner is the same age and has a 3 year old who is the light of his life.

I would not risk an abortion. I consider your pregnancy nothing short of miraculous. But, the man in question is very much a question mark. If it were me: I'd have it with the idea that it might be ALL ME. Believe me, so many wind up with sole care of their child anyway, that I would only worry about what I could do!

Ali

I don't think I could say that his wish to terminate a pregnancy means he loves you less. It sort of depends on how he is expressing his unreadiness. If he is "demanding" of you, then yes, that shows a real disregard for you rather than love.

Umm...not to be rude to any other poster or the OP, but 23 is old enough to be a dad! His demand sounds immature.

Ali

the few things you've said about him lead me to believe he's a bit immature as well.....that's not a bad or uncommon thing, but it does probably mean he's not ready to be a dad in his head. i don't think most men in america mature until they're in their mid to late 20's and beyond. we were just talking about that in my class tonight, and the professor said he felt this was a cultural norm in our country now, where it used to be younger....

Just my thoughts. I was with my ex-husband for 20 years and desperately desired to have a baby/babies. I got pregnant the year before I left him and miscarried during the 13th week.

A baby is a blessing and there is no guarantee that you would have another opportunity to give birth. Do you want this child? Please do not base your decision on your YM's needs/desires/immaturity/etc.. We all would like to believe that the love which we feel is all powerful and would last forever - but life tells us that love comes and goes. Your YM may move on and have many children - as many as he wants - during the next 50++ years. You are a woman who has certain health complications - how many years do you have? Is there a guarantee that you would get pregnant? Please make a wise decision - not one based on pure emotions which tend to construct many castles in the sky.

If your YM does not want this baby - is there a reason why you cannot independently care for your child? If I were in your situation, I would have the baby, financially support my kid on my own and do all that I can to facilitate a relationship between the father and the child. (Many would disagree with me - but, hey - these are my thoughts).

i have had most of the day off of work today. after everything, it seems i may have lost my baby naturally. i had larger than normal, and very sudden blood loss yesterday afternoon and went to my doctor today. pregnany test still shows positive but aparently that is normal i have light bleeding at the moment and am feeling not the greatest, both physically, mentally and emotionally. i had a blood test done today to see where my hormones levels are and have to wait another week to get another test to see if my levels have risen or dropped.
i am numb at the moment and not sure how i feel about possibly having lost the baby. maybe nature has chosen to make the decision for me? i just hope with all my heart and soul that if i have lost this gift, that it is simply a sign to let me know i am fertile and can get pregnant (which has been a huge fear for me) in the future. the waiting is the hardest part and the next week is going to seem like an eternity for me.
all of your advice is invaluable to me and if i am still carrying this child, the more i read the more i believe that i would be taking a huge risk to terminate, regardless of my ym's request. my doctor did tell me it is a risk to terminate as it may well decrease or completely rule out the chance to conceive again, something i am not prepared to risk. i will update you all when i have my results completed. right now, im going to have a cry and try and get some sleep. thanx again to all of you for your support. it warms my heart.

Rougharrow, I hope you are okay.:( Thinking of you.

Rougharrow,

Please take care of yourself - stay in bed. The next few days may be critical. You are in my prayers.

Sometimes the baby is ok and the uterus is ok, but the hormones are not adequate to support a pregancy during the first 3 months. I wish you the best. Maybe your doctor could check your hormones to see if they are in balance.

Take care....

well, i am at work but just wanted to say that i have not lost the baby and that my ym has realised that termination is not an option for us. we only found out for sure last night and as at now ym is absorbing the info and is going to support me whatever happens. im very happy :) bye for now

I'm thrilled that your YM is going to be supportive of the pregnancy.

Please keep us posted and take good care of yourself.

Blessings to the three of you. ;)

Happy happy for you. God bless your baby!

Thats great news!:D

I'm so glad the baby is OK. Stress may have been a factor. Glad to hear your YM is supportive now - that should help with the stress tremendously!

Keep taking care of YOU!

I think if YOU want to be a mother, have the baby. If he walks, he walks. If he stays, he stays. YOUR decision about YOUR baby should not be influenced by him. Especially since you never thought you could get pregnant. This could be your first and last chance to get pregnant. He could leave you anytime with or without a baby. Men leave their children all the time. So because HIS ROLE is fluid and undetermined, if you decide to keep your baby, make your mind up assuming he won't be around at all. If he stays, great. If he doesn't, you have your child. His part in it shouldn't really be much of a factor in your decision. Best of luck to you.