Since we're talking about pregnancy...

Okay I didn't want to bring this up and take away from Rougharrow's situation, but I need some advice myself here...and don't feel comfortable bringing it up with the family.

I myself am in the same situation.....I found out last week that I am pregnant. The father is the YM that I am seeing and plan to marry. We accidently got pregnant last year and I decided to terminate because I wasn't ready to have a child...in addition to the fact that I didn't feel WE were at the point in our relationship that we were ready for it. This time around is not alot different - I am not sure that I want to have a baby and I think the timing is still bad since he and I haven't yet "tied the knot".

Now before you answer, a little background on me. I have never really considered myself the "mommy" type. I am extremely independant and like to be able to do pretty much what I want to do. I am the type of woman who never really has liked babies...when other women bring them around I have no desire to hold them or fuss over them (I'm more apt to want to cuddle a kitten or a puppy than I am a baby). I never have felt the "biological clock" ticking as most women do and pretty much have always figured I wasn't really meant to have kids. I have been pregnant a few times (with different people) and never had the desire to go through with the pregnancy partially because I didn't want to change my lifestyle and partially because I didn't want to be tied to the father. I have always thought that IF I ever considered having one, it would have to be in a situation where I really wanted it, and had some confidence that I was bringing a child into a family...not a one parent situation.

Strangely enough, my BF has always had the same outlook on the issue of kids. He is from a broken home and does not want to put a child through what he went through growing up. He has never had a strong desire to have children and pretty much figured he could go either way with it. We have talked about this and his response to the situation is that he would want to have one with me if he knew that I really wanted it, and only if we were willing to make the commitment to stay together.

I honestly don't know what to think about it. At my age (39) its going to be hard on my body (pain, fatigue), I have a real issue with gaining weight (am very particular about staying in shape), and its a lifestyle change that I don't know that I can handle. Although I don't doubt that my BF would be committed to me, there are no guarantees on the future, and I really don't relish the idea of raising a child alone. Not to mention the age factor.....I'd be like 60 by the time the kid was 20 years old....the age of a grandparent!

Yes, there are times that I see other people with children and feel like I may have missed out on a very important part of life - the ability to love something unconditionally, the sense of family, etc.....but wow, what a sacrifice it takes. I know my BF would be a great father, and I would have the love and support of my family, but I just don't know if a free spirit like myself could ever buckle down and make the changes needed to be the kind of parent I would want to be. I don't want to feel resentment towards the child later on.

My mother felt the same way that I did about babies when she was young - and has told me that although she never felt the desire to coo and cuddle other people's kids, she felt differently once she had her own....so I wonder if there is a possibility that I would develop different feelings towards kids if in fact I had my own.

My gut tells me that I shouldn't have this baby - too many negatives and not enough positives....but there is a question mark in my mind. Any thoughts?

Its very hard to give advice on pregnancy/children to someone who has never had the experience. It's like trying to describe the color blue to someone who was born blind. No one is ever truly "READY" to become a parent.


I am a 43 year old mommy. I have a 15 year old.
I just put the brakes on my relationship with a 36 y/o YM because he wants a baby that I doubt I could give him. Not only are my chances of becoming pregnant slim, Im not sure if I could handle the real fatigue of raising another child into my mid-50's, early 60's. The older they get, the harder it is..

As for your concerns about your shape- I can relate. I work very hard to look better than I did at 29. You are not over 40 so chances are when you have this child (if you decide to), you'll be back in shape in no time. I was 29 when I had my daughter. It still took its toll, but it was "not all that"...

Good luck whatever you decide- you've got a long tough road ahead either way.

Doesn't anyone think these issues should have been worked out before yall became pregnant???!!!

Nadine.

Just a thought...

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Why not go through the pregnancy if the Dr. says it would be ok given your medical history. Even if you feel that you do not want the child, I can assure you that there are many who would. To me it seems this could be a good answer. It's only nine months of carrying and then you could adopt the little one out to someone that wants to give a child all that they need.

I only say this because it is a subject close to my heart. Brownbear and I adopted our youngest daughter. She could have been terminated *shudder*, as some of her siblings have been. And the biological mother was thinking of doing so to our daughter as well. Thankfully, she decided to finish the pregnancy. We wanted her and she is having a rich, full life with lots of love and care. I don't know what the world would have been like without her. She has a lot to offer and I am so happy that she has the chance to do so.

Please realize that I am by no means trying to be "preachy" on the subject of abortion. I am only trying to get you to see another option. And I am giving you our true life story.

This is our child who could have been terminated.

http://img354.imageshack.us/img354/2707/dscf00048bq9.jpg

Thankfully, she is alive and well and experiencing life. Thankfully, the opportunity wasn't taken from her. The world would not be as wonderful without her.
__________________

Doesn't anyone think these issues should have been worked out before yall became pregnant???!!!

Nadine.

Actually the issue was worked out the last time I got pregnant as I said. I decided it wasn't for me...and proceeded accordingly. Unfortunately I am apparently very fertile and although measures have been taken, I am now pregnant again....I'm at a slightly different place in my life than I was the last time, so now I'm asking myself the question again.

I think in my post I was asking for help/advice in making this decision moving forward, not criticism on what I should have done in the past.

Its very hard to give advice on pregnancy/children to someone who has never had the experience. It's like trying to describe the color blue to someone who was born blind. No one is ever truly "READY" to become a parent.


I am a 43 year old mommy. I have a 15 year old.
I just put the brakes on my relationship with a 36 y/o YM because he wants a baby that I doubt I could give him. Not only are my chances of becoming pregnant slim, Im not sure if I could handle the real fatigue of raising another child into my mid-50's, early 60's. The older they get, the harder it is..

As for your concerns about your shape- I can relate. I work very hard to look better than I did at 29. You are not over 40 so chances are when you have this child (if you decide to), you'll be back in shape in no time. I was 29 when I had my daughter. It still took its toll, but it was "not all that"...

Good luck whatever you decide- you've got a long tough road ahead either way.

Sounds like you understand where I'm coming from pretty well! I really do worry about the fatigue issue...along with all the other stuff I've ready about gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, hemorraging, etc......reading a few of those "pregnancy over 35" articles can scare the crap out of you!!!

Its so hard to have to make this decision in such a short time frame, but unfortunately that's the way it is. Thanks for the advice:)

Just a thought...

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Why not go through the pregnancy if the Dr. says it would be ok given your medical history. Even if you feel that you do not want the child, I can assure you that there are many who would. To me it seems this could be a good answer. It's only nine months of carrying and then you could adopt the little one out to someone that wants to give a child all that they need.



I understand that the subject of adoption of very near and dear to your heart because of your little one....however, its not something I would consider doing. There are ALOT of risk factors for women who are pregnant over 35, and my health isn't something I'd be willing to jeapordize unless I intended to keep the baby. There is also the emotional issues that would arise between me and my intended husband...and he means much to much to me to put that relationship at risk, unless the baby is something I want. But thank you for the insight on how much joy a child can bring into a couple's relationship.

Actually the issue was worked out the last time I got pregnant as I said. I decided it wasn't for me...and proceeded accordingly. Unfortunately I am apparently very fertile and although measures have been taken, I am now pregnant again....I'm at a slightly different place in my life than I was the last time, so now I'm asking myself the question again.

I think in my post I was asking for help/advice in making this decision moving forward, not criticism on what I should have done in the past.

Well obviously the issue wasn't worked out all the way...because here you are again in the same boat. :)


Nadine.

I'm glad that someone else noticed that. :rolleyes:

Well obviously the issue wasn't worked out all the way...because here you are again in the same boat. :)


Nadine.

Actually it was worked out for THAT time in my life, but things are different now. Although making a major lifestyle change is still alot for me to swallow, my SO and I are in a much better place now than we were a year ago. He has since asked me to marry him, so the worries that I had before of wondering if he would be staying with me just because of a baby are now gone. I think we all have the right to change our minds - our point of view changes as time goes by, so whatever decision I made then is not neccessarily the right one for today.

hmmm...you're fortyish and still not ready to have a child or able to take proper measures not to get pregnant? And now...you're thinking of killing another baby because YOU don't want to be inconvenienced? This is really what it all boils down to...inconvenience. It's not like you are 14 and are pregnant by your Uncle who raped you or something, you're a GROWN woman who made a CHOICE to get pregnant...why should ANOTHER child be put to death for that?

I don't mean to be a bummer here, or turn this into Roe vs Wade, but i just couldnt keep my mouth shut (or fingers still) because this is a rough subject with me...


How many abortions have you had woman? Maybe you should have bumped up those measures you supposedly used after the 1st termination..i'm sorry but I see you as selfish, and by your posts it seems that you view abortion as another form of birth control and that just makes me sick..i'm sorry to hijack your thread and critisize you, but i couldnt help myself because when i see things like this it breaks my heart and angers me because you do not view the precious gift of life as it should be. It also angers me because many women take giving birth for granted..i know, because i'm going to have A LOT of difficulty trying to get pregnany when that time comes..

sorry if this is harsh, but if you dont want kids you have 4 options:
1.) close your legs
2.) Use a condom
3.) use birth control PILLS
4.) don't have sex if your not gonna factor in the possibility of becoming pregnant.

/end rant

hmmm...you're fortyish and still not ready to have a child or able to take proper measures not to get pregnant? And now...you're thinking of killing another baby because YOU don't want to be inconvenienced? This is really what it all boils down to...inconvenience. It's not like you are 14 and are pregnant by your Uncle who raped you or something, you're a GROWN woman who made a CHOICE to get pregnant...why should ANOTHER child be put to death for that?

Wow, that's alot of hostility for someone that doesn't even know me!! :) I think if you re-read my post you will see that I mentioned that "proper measures" have been taken to prevent pregnancy....and I'm sure I'm not the first or last person on the earth to have become pregnant even while making efforts to avoid it. The last pregnancy happened while on birth control AND during the time of month that I wasn't even supposed to be fertile....go figure. Seems like the "fertile Myrtles" are always the ones who don't want to have kids, while the ladies that want 'em have a hell of a time getting pregnant. I didn't choose to be ultra fertile, and I didn't make the choice to become pregnant, but it happened so it merits looking at both the pros and cons.

It isn't about inconvenience - its about making the right decision for all involved. I'm sorry I don't share your ethical/religious beliefs about "putting another child to death"...this is not a moral issue for me, simply an attempt to make a good decsion for me, my SO and the prospective child.

Just like with Rougharrow, please don't take this post personally FortyishCutie. I'm gonna sound like a broken record, but having an abortion is not the same as preventing a pregnancy. Most failures in birth control these days are completely unavoidable. If you can't remember to take a pill you can have Depo-Provera injections once every 120 days; you can take a birth control pill like Seasonale; or you can have a permanent procedure. Just throwing this out and you may well know all this, but these things are pretty close to 100% effective and just in the event you don't trust them, you can use a barrier method additionally. In a country like ours, this should never really happen to intelligent, grown women with resources.

FC, I appreciate your candor. You know you are gonna get a good whooping here (just j/k) but hopefully something helpful will come out too. I think you have shared with us some very personal information and on the surface, for me, it paints a picture of why one should not have a child. But something bothers me and that it that after a number of unwanted pregnancies, it still happens! So it gets me to thinking, are you really so positive on this position of not having a baby, or is it something that you continue to flirt with, hoping that maybe the "Good Lord" will take it out of your hands?

I think at your age, if you think at all that you might want this baby, you may want to rethink your anti-baby stance. My guess is that you are just downright scared of the whole process and you needn't be. Many women have postponed motherhood these days, because they just didn't see themselves as the mothering type. I love babies, work with them every day, but I have to tell you, its a whole different feeling when they are your own. What you need is a good support system!! People you can lean on when you go through those ambivalent moments in that first month of the babies life. People who are going to look forward to the coming of this little person every bit as much as you do! People who will emotionally invest in in you and your baby's lives! This may end up being the baby's father or someone in his family, or your family, or any of these friends with babies. Might even be your baby's pediatrician! :p Tell us more about your situation!

Anyway, wish I had a great answer for you as to what is the right decision for you. Meanwhile, I suggest you keep talking to people and try to begin building this support network. It may make the prospect of a baby a lot less terrifying.

I don't mean to be a bummer here, or turn this into Roe vs Wade, but i just couldnt keep my mouth shut (or fingers still) because this is a rough subject with me...


How many abortions have you had woman? Maybe you should have bumped up those measures you supposedly used after the 1st termination..i'm sorry but I see you as selfish, and by your posts it seems that you view abortion as another form of birth control and that just makes me sick..i'm sorry to hijack your thread and critisize you, but i couldnt help myself because when i see things like this it breaks my heart and angers me because you do not view the precious gift of life as it should be. It also angers me because many women take giving birth for granted..i know, because i'm going to have A LOT of difficulty trying to get pregnany when that time comes..

sorry if this is harsh, but if you dont want kids you have 4 options:
1.) close your legs
2.) Use a condom
3.) use birth control PILLS
4.) don't have sex if your not gonna factor in the possibility of becoming pregnant.

/end rant

Okay ladies, before you open your mouths, pay attention to what I wrote in my post......I indicated that measures were taken to avoid pregnancy...what do I need to do, give you the details of my sex life and birth control methods in order for you to understand?

I'm sorry that you are one of those people that is not able to get pregnant - but understand that no matter how much YOU want a child, an unexpected pregnancy for someone that is taking measure to avoid pregnancy can be an unwelcome situation.

FC, I appreciate your candor. You know you are gonna get a good whooping here (just j/k) but hopefully something helpful will come out too. I think you have shared with us some very personal information and on the surface, for me, it paints a picture of why one should not have a child. But something bothers me and that it that after a number of unwanted pregnancies, it still happens! So it gets me to thinking, are you really so positive on this position of not having a baby, or is it something that you continue to flirt with, hoping that maybe the "Good Lord" will take it out of your hands?

I think at your age, if you think at all that you might want this baby, you may want to rethink your anti-baby stance. My guess is that you are just downright scared of the whole process and you needn't be. Many women have postponed motherhood these days, because they just didn't see themselves as the mothering type. I love babies, work with them every day, but I have to tell you, its a whole different feeling when they are your own. What you need is a good support system!! People you can lean on when you go through those ambivalent moments in that first month of the babies life. People who are going to look forward to the coming of this little person every bit as much as you do! People who will emotionally invest in in you and your baby's lives! This may end up being the baby's father or someone in his family, or your family, or any of these friends with babies. Might even be your baby's pediatrician! :p Tell us more about your situation!



Whew...and just when I thought there weren't any sane women out there:D I don't know if the reason I've become pregnant while still on birth control is because I have some kind of hidden desire to have one, or if its just one of the ironys of life. My Dr. has advised me against Depo shots/ BC pills because of my family history of cancer, my age and the fact that I smoke...so I have taken her advice on the different types of birth control that she and I are comfortable with (I've tried 'em all!).

I am re-thinking my anti-baby stance (as you put it)....which is why I am posting here for some input from people that can actually give me some advice on the pros and cons of motherhood. It makes no difference to me if I get a "good whooping" here about the moral issue tied with abortion. Those people are not trying to help me, and I am more than happy to wade through their negative posts, to get to the really helpful and informative ones such as yours. :p This thread is not about changing my opinions regarding abortion - I have firm beliefs on that subject that are not going to change at this point in my life....what it IS about is getting more information to face a big decision. THANK YOU for your intuitive post.

I'm neither pro or con abortion. The option to access a safe/legal procedure should exist for all. Whether I would use that option, I could not tell you. I've never had to make a decision like that. In my youth, I never thought "accidents" could happen but now I know they can. I have several friends that have accidentally gotten pregnant (one who is my age and gave birth at 41 to her second child in 2004). I only became pregnant when I set out to do it. Not before or after. This gives me a sense of false control even today.

I do think (in reading your responses, Forty-ish) that you are leaning towards the experience of having the child this time with current BF.

If it helps you decide, see my posts re: baby issues and my ym (Advice on how to Proceed). Im 43 and toyed with the idea of becoming pregnant again. Thinking about it made me realize what my grandmother used to say: "There's a time and place for everything. Once the time has passed, dont think about it anymore!".

I had to forego my relationship with a wonderful YM because Im not going to risk my happiness when/if he finds a woman to give him a child..That would be short changing myself.

If you think your relationship is strong enough to survive it, I would advise you to
take the baby challenge. Yes, a child will change your life in ways you cannot begin to realize until you are home with it. You will (for probably the first time in your life) know the true meaning of the word exhaustion. Is it worth it? I think it is.. My daughter was the best thing to come out of my 14-year first marriage.

Best of luck either way

I applaud you for your candor in raising this controversial issue here, and also for your diplomacy and good nature in responding to the attacks based on other people's moral positions. without getting anywhere near the question of the morality of the decision, i want to talk about the practical aspects of your interesting dilemma, and share some from my personal experience.

I am 48, and had my daughter at 39. I was in pretty good shape, tho not working out, when i got pregnant, and the pregnancy itself was no big deal, and actually kinda fun, once you sort of accepted the changes. (I loved getting big-chested! never realized that I would like that until it happened, and they stuck around for years after.. a nice benefit!) but seriously, one can't help but get caught up in the miraculous aspect of it, the life just happening in there, all on its own, and your own body adjusting to give the baby what it needs to grow and come out into the world. All on automatic. I really did find it amazing.

I was also never into babies at all. didn't even notice them. when my husband and I faced the decision, for me it was between having a baby before it was "too late" or taking the much anticipated, even fabled, trip around the world which I had been imagining for years. I wanted a trip that took a couple of years to do, and knew that a new baby would basically set that back for years. So we made the decision to do the baby thing, and two weeks later changed our minds, and by then it was too late. i was already pregnant. Selfish? Sure I was. Even the decision to have a baby was a selfish one, since I was evaluating whether it would be a "good experience" for me, something I might miss if I didn't do it. pretty much all of my life at age 40 was about my own fulfillment. it is the luxury of being "single" which is what my husband and I called ourselves at that time, since we were childless and could do what we wanted. So I basically got pregnant by a hair.

And now she is 9. And the good thing is, it IS a whole new dimension in life, and i would have missed a ton of things. Too many to count. And I did get my shape back. I found that it didn't hamper my style at all. Just gave me a whole new array of experiences I couldn't have even imagined. having a kid is fun! ALOT of fun! Now my daughter is like a best friend. She has my kooky humor, and says really profound things that shock me sometimes, and never ceases to make me laugh. And it is amazing when she still wants to climb in bed and cuddle to sleep, because I feel a warm mother feeling that I had never touched before her.

Now a little practical advice. Since you, like me, basically have zero maternal instinct going into this, be sure to breast feed. May sound weird, but you might need a tangible contact with the baby. If you can, do it, and you will see what I mean. I sort of got into the whole baby thing over a period of a few weeks when she was first born. At first it was a little hard to relate to, having a child. It wasn't like I looked at her right that day and said, "wow, she's MINE." In fact, she has never seemed mine. But I just mean that the connection grew over time with me, but we are super close now. I do think that having a child creates a whole new world of experience, and personally, tho I don't know you, I will go out on a limb and recommend that you try it. I am sure that you will not regret it. You are ready now, or you wouldn't be having this debate. And it sounds like your guy is ready, too. It will be a wonderful healing thing for both of you to give this little life exactly the childhood you would have wished for. it is amazing!

And now for the surprise ending. I am 48 now, and am dating a 22 year old. For me, since I still look pretty good, the one thing that makes me feel he would be getting a raw deal would be if he could not have any children of his own. But the weird part is that for over a year now, I have realized that I am willing to get pregnant AGAIN! at 48. I researched it some, and there are plenty of older mothers out there now. (Even a 63 year old, I kid you not! She had to lie about her age to get the medical treatment she wanted to help her get pregnant!) Our bodies are not aging the same as our parents' did, for a whole bunch of reasons. We live longer. 40 isn't old anymore. the fact that so many older women are with younger men is testimony to that.

I would adopt also, and my (ex) husband and I talked about that option too, at the time, so I could still get my (selfish) trip around the world first. (He was 12 years younger than me, and we were married for 10 years). but I actually opted for the actual pregnancy because of the lack of mommy instinct thing. I figured that I needed the hormones racing through my system and the automatic pilot thing to get me over the hump and make me feel like a mom.

So anyway, I guess I'm not afraid to take a position here. I say DO IT! it will be a blast!

And now for the surprise ending. I am 48 now, and am dating a 22 year old. For me, since I still look pretty good, the one thing that makes me feel he would be getting a raw deal would be if he could not have any children of his own. But the weird part is that for over a year now, I have realized that I am willing to get pregnant AGAIN! at 48. --->>>>> Man, you're brave. Especially with the 22 y/o !! LOL

People here have told you that when you have this baby you will love it. That is true, I was never a baby person until I had my child.
I am one for doing the worst case scenario before making a decision. So you must assume that your bf may not want to stay around.
Are your finances solid so you can support this baby by yourself? Who would take care of it while you work? Are you willing and able to set up a fund for education?
How about time? Will you have the time to give to this child? Reading stories, going to PTA meetings, etc?
This will be the most important decission of your life and it will be a looooong term decision. You can dump a husband but you will be a mother forever.

I hope you make the best decision.

As a woman who did have to terminate a pregnancy at 19 ( had cancer), I can tell you that life does go on. However, it was a very, very hard decision for me:( My child would be 26 now (same age as my husband:eek: ).
I don't care what precautions that you "TRIED", the fact is that you got pregnant again and you do not seem to really understand what a big deal that is. One abortion is enough to LEARN how not to let it happen again until you are sure!!!
Also, I do not give a D**MN" what you believe in.......surgery is a BIG DEAL, having an abortion is a BIG DEAL. Karma is going to get you.
I had my daughter at the age of 35. I too didn't know if I could handle it. I had been on fertility meds and had surgery for endometriosis during my 1st marriage but no baby. Dr. told me that I would probably need assistance to ever get pregnant. By the age of 35, I did not think that I would ever have a child. When I got pregnant I knew that her father was in no shape to offer any kind of help to me. Not financially, emotionally, etc... I chose to have my child in the roughest circumstances that you can imagine.
When my child was about 3 months old I took a job teaching and I had to take her to my classes and rehearsals everyday. It was very hard when she started school and by her second grade year I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I was lucky that I had a mother to help me with her that year.
I could go on but it is my story not yours so I will not bore you with it.
Now? I feel so blessed to have her in my life. My husband loves her too and will be adopting her sometime this year:p So there you go and I now truly believe that no-one is given more than they can handle. I didn't believe that until not too long ago myself. We are all blessed and life really does go smoother when you apply the phrase " first do no harm" to you life.
Believe what you want as far as religion and politics go, it is YOUR life. I do feel like this about your decisions though, it is women like you who use the Dr. to fix YOUR mistakes and, in doing so, you give all women a BAD name....shame on you!
You are almost 40 years old lady.....get a grip.
Never since I first came to this site in '01-02? have I ever blasted anyone this way. And by the way, do you have insurance or are you going to use my tax dollars to fix your "issues"
OK, I'm done, be selfish, do what you will.
I will say a blessing for you and the "unhuman" heartbeat inside you. I will also pray that your y/m shows more class than you are showing in your posts.
Sorry, that was uncalled for but C'mon!!!!!!!!
TD

Okay... I have read the posts and I have to put my two sense in.... now sure how much it matters being that I am not a mother yet, but do plan one day to have kids...

I do have alot of older friends. One who is 36 and just had a baby. My aunt is also 38 and just had one as well. I also have friends my age (23) who recently had babies and the pregnancies seemed quite similar to me. Now I can't say for sure, because I truely wasn't in their shoes, but they seemed to have close to the same experiences as all women do. Someone mentioned early there is a time for everything, I agree. Your body is still able to have babies, you are still able to concieve. Whether you see it as God or mother nature... I believe if you weren't able to truely handle or recover from a pregnancy you wouldn't be able to get pregnant. My grandmother and great grandmother both has babies in the late 30s and were both fine... this was before all the medical montoring and care that we have now or days. It seems to me that the fear of having children at an older age is a recent thing, years ago it seemed alot more common. I do realize that there are increased risks, but the medical field is very advanced. Many many women have had sucessful pregnancy even into the mid or late 40's. I don't think health literature is meant to scare women over 35 into not have a child, I think it wants to prepare them, because to have a healthy baby might take a little more work and care during the pregnancy. I think if you are truely afraid of how this may effect your body or the baby at "your age" you should discuss it with a doctor before making a decision.

You also made a comment that you would be 60 when your child was 20. Once again I think that 60 is very young now or days. Some men only become fathers in their 60s and are able to be great fathers. Also if you are in great shape now, you probably will be then too, plus you will be past the part of chasing around a little child. Its not like you will be missing out on retirement or anything like that, because the typical age for that isn't even till 68 (and it keeps rising). And with life expectancy like it is.. and still rising... there is a good chance you will even see grandchildren grow up.

You say you are very fertile now, but that might not always be the case. If you are considering having this child at all I would say why not carry it to term. I have been told many times I will not know what it feels like to really be a mom and love a child so much until I first hold my baby. If you have it and still decide you can't handle it or want the baby... there are many loving people out there that would kill to have a baby and would give yours an amazing loving home. You may have to work hard to get that body back in shape, but I think it would be worth it to give a child life. Also.. you haven't really mentioned (or maybe I missed it) what your YM thinks? This baby is half him as well. Does he want it? You wouldn't be doing this all alone, his life will be changing as well.

I must add one last thing. I know you don't want to hear it, but I also agree with some previous posts. I believe every child is a gift, even one that has been aborted. I realize you say you have taken the proper precautions for a reason, yet you keep getting pregnant. That still doesn't make abortion a good solution. If you knew you were this fertile, don't just use the pill, use the pill and the condom and spermicide, etc. If might seem inconvenient, but in my mind it could save a life. Also have you ever thought you may being getting pregnant for a reason? It doesn't just seem to be a matter of you "being over fertile", it seems like there have had to be contraception malfunction involved as well. Maybe you are meant have a baby. Either way... please consider this...this baby is half you and half your boyfriend. It is YOUR baby... its a life.... and even if you don't want it, somebody might. (sorry to be preachy)

You asked for some advice and input, I hope if helped

Also, I do not give a D**MN" what you believe in.......surgery is a BIG DEAL, having an abortion is a BIG DEAL. Karma is going to get you.
I had my daughter at the age of 35. I too didn't know if I could handle it. I had been on fertility meds and had surgery for endometriosis during my 1st marriage but no baby. Dr. told me that I would probably need assistance to ever get pregnant. By the age of 35, I did not think that I would ever have a child. When I got pregnant I knew that her father was in no shape to offer any kind of help to me. Not financially, emotionally, etc... I chose to have my child in the roughest circumstances that you can imagine.
Believe what you want as far as religion and politics go, it is YOUR life. I do feel like this about your decisions though, it is women like you who use the Dr. to fix YOUR mistakes and, in doing so, you give all women a BAD name....shame on you!
You are almost 40 years old lady.....get a grip.
Never since I first came to this site in '01-02? have I ever blasted anyone this way. And by the way, do you have insurance or are you going to use my tax dollars to fix your "issues"
OK, I'm done, be selfish, do what you will.
I will say a blessing for you and the "unhuman" heartbeat inside you. I will also pray that your y/m shows more class than you are showing in your posts.
Sorry, that was uncalled for but C'mon!!!!!!!!
TD

First of all let me say that I sincerely hope your daughter does not inheirit your anger at life and general lack of tolerance in others who don't agree with your belief system. The fact that you don't "give a damn" about others' beliefs shows you are a somewhat narrowminded person...how unfortunate for you.;) Hopefully for your sake and your daughter's, she will never find herself in a similar situation and have to endure being told that she's giving all women a "bad"name!!!

As far as your "tax dollar"question, I have been semi "retired" for the last four years...in other words I work if I want to, but invested wisely enough that I don't have to.

Thanks for the heads up on the Karma issue......I'll watch my back :D

I applaud you for your candor in raising this controversial issue here, and also for your diplomacy and good nature in responding to the attacks based on other people's moral positions. without getting anywhere near the question of the morality of the decision, i want to talk about the practical aspects of your interesting dilemma, and share some from my personal experience.

I am 48, and had my daughter at 39. I was in pretty good shape, tho not working out, when i got pregnant, and the pregnancy itself was no big deal, and actually kinda fun, once you sort of accepted the changes. (I loved getting big-chested! never realized that I would like that until it happened, and they stuck around for years after.. a nice benefit!) but seriously, one can't help but get caught up in the miraculous aspect of it, the life just happening in there, all on its own, and your own body adjusting to give the baby what it needs to grow and come out into the world. All on automatic. I really did find it amazing.

I was also never into babies at all. didn't even notice them. when my husband and I faced the decision, for me it was between having a baby before it was "too late" or taking the much anticipated, even fabled, trip around the world which I had been imagining for years. I wanted a trip that took a couple of years to do, and knew that a new baby would basically set that back for years. So we made the decision to do the baby thing, and two weeks later changed our minds, and by then it was too late. i was already pregnant. Selfish? Sure I was. Even the decision to have a baby was a selfish one, since I was evaluating whether it would be a "good experience" for me, something I might miss if I didn't do it. pretty much all of my life at age 40 was about my own fulfillment. it is the luxury of being "single" which is what my husband and I called ourselves at that time, since we were childless and could do what we wanted. So I basically got pregnant by a hair.

And now she is 9. And the good thing is, it IS a whole new dimension in life, and i would have missed a ton of things. Too many to count. And I did get my shape back. I found that it didn't hamper my style at all. Just gave me a whole new array of experiences I couldn't have even imagined. having a kid is fun! ALOT of fun! Now my daughter is like a best friend. She has my kooky humor, and says really profound things that shock me sometimes, and never ceases to make me laugh. And it is amazing when she still wants to climb in bed and cuddle to sleep, because I feel a warm mother feeling that I had never touched before her.

Now a little practical advice. Since you, like me, basically have zero maternal instinct going into this, be sure to breast feed. May sound weird, but you might need a tangible contact with the baby. If you can, do it, and you will see what I mean. I sort of got into the whole baby thing over a period of a few weeks when she was first born. At first it was a little hard to relate to, having a child. It wasn't like I looked at her right that day and said, "wow, she's MINE." In fact, she has never seemed mine. But I just mean that the connection grew over time with me, but we are super close now. I do think that having a child creates a whole new world of experience, and personally, tho I don't know you, I will go out on a limb and recommend that you try it. I am sure that you will not regret it. You are ready now, or you wouldn't be having this debate. And it sounds like your guy is ready, too. It will be a wonderful healing thing for both of you to give this little life exactly the childhood you would have wished for. it is amazing!

And now for the surprise ending. I am 48 now, and am dating a 22 year old. For me, since I still look pretty good, the one thing that makes me feel he would be getting a raw deal would be if he could not have any children of his own. But the weird part is that for over a year now, I have realized that I am willing to get pregnant AGAIN! at 48. I researched it some, and there are plenty of older mothers out there now. (Even a 63 year old, I kid you not! She had to lie about her age to get the medical treatment she wanted to help her get pregnant!) Our bodies are not aging the same as our parents' did, for a whole bunch of reasons. We live longer. 40 isn't old anymore. the fact that so many older women are with younger men is testimony to that.

I would adopt also, and my (ex) husband and I talked about that option too, at the time, so I could still get my (selfish) trip around the world first. (He was 12 years younger than me, and we were married for 10 years). but I actually opted for the actual pregnancy because of the lack of mommy instinct thing. I figured that I needed the hormones racing through my system and the automatic pilot thing to get me over the hump and make me feel like a mom.

So anyway, I guess I'm not afraid to take a position here. I say DO IT! it will be a blast!

Findthemagic: You are my hero! If you were standing here in front of me, you could not have answered my questions about lifestyle, physical and emotional changes that result from motherhood better than you did! Bravo!:D

I think it is a rare person that admits that there is a very selfish part of all of us that has a hard time accepting entering into a life-long responsibility for another person that requires unconditional love and sacrifice. Fortunately for me, I would not be giving up any lifelong dreams to have a baby; I have had a successful career, traveled extensively, lived in Europe for 2 years, and have been able to do participate in just about every adventure I could think of in the last few years. For me, it really just boils down to wondering if I'm really cut out for it.

I did get a big smile when I read what you wrote about your daughter......this is what I've always thought I might feel like if I had a child. The new experiences, the fun, the friendship - I think that is really great and very inspiring.;) I was floored when I read that you are willing to get pregnant again at 48!!! Wow! I agree that today 40 years old isn't as "old" as it used to be, but aren't there inherent health dangers that you are concerned about?

Thanks again for sharing your experience - getting this information from someone who's lived through the same fears and concerns as I have and had a baby at nearly the same age as I am is priceless.

For me, it really just boils down to wondering if I'm really cut out for it.

No one is ever "cut out" for mother (or father)hood. You learn what to do everyday (sometimes from a relative, friend, or the child his/herself!). You also do alot of hoping. And worrying. The worrying never stops once you have a child.

I must add one last thing. I know you don't want to hear it, but I also agree with some previous posts. I believe every child is a gift, even one that has been aborted. I realize you say you have taken the proper precautions for a reason, yet you keep getting pregnant. That still doesn't make abortion a good solution. If you knew you were this fertile, don't just use the pill, use the pill and the condom and spermicide, etc. If might seem inconvenient, but in my mind it could save a life. Also have you ever thought you may being getting pregnant for a reason? It doesn't just seem to be a matter of you "being over fertile", it seems like there have had to be contraception malfunction involved as well. Maybe you are meant have a baby. Either way... please consider this...this baby is half you and half your boyfriend. It is YOUR baby... its a life.... and even if you don't want it, somebody might. (sorry to be preachy)

You asked for some advice and input, I hope if helped

Kurtney: Its nice to know that there are alot of other ladies (the ones you mentioned in your family) have had successful pregnancies later in life. I've read so many negative articles on older pregnancies that its a breath of fresh air to hear that being older doesn't have to mean you can't have a healthy pregnancy.:p

As far as your comment about me not "wanting to hear" your opinion on the abortion/contraception issue....let me just say that I have no problem listening to that point of view from someone as pleasant and as tackful as you were in your post. As my father always told me, you can say just about anything in the world to someone and get away with it.....as long as you say it with respect and tackfulness. You have a "silver" tongue my lady!;)

I do not have an anger issue..I do have an issue with people's stupidity though.
As for my daughter Myan...no anger there...she is amazing. She is beautiful, straight A student, amazing grace and kindess describes this child.
Your right I am a horrible angry person, in fact it is really a crime that someone like me is happily married, has a wonderful family, students who adore her, have had the same friends for over 30 years, etc.... Oh the horror:eek: It is also sheer outrage that I should get upset with someone who shows such little respect for her body, her y/m, the medical profession, and womens rights in general. It is people going in for MULTIPLE abortions that will ruin it for the woman who is really in trouble. Yup, I should just keep that to myself. BTW, you came here for advice and this is obviously a rough subject for many people no matter what your personal beliefs are. You are, to me, showing extreme negligence and disregard for life. Get yourself neutered, it can be reversed when you make up your mind.
BTW, I am sorry but I have seen this too many times before, usually with young girls or very under-educated, poor people (of which you say you are not) and I am truly out of compassion for the selfish people.
Like I said though, do what you will.
Well, I suppose I will take my angry self and my "poor" child and go meet my stupid husband for supper.:p
Now see ageless people.....this is why I usually stay out of the relationship section most of the time. I need to stick to animal rights, politics, religion, and idle chatter:rolleyes: Blessings, TD

I do not have an anger issue..I do have an issue with people's stupidity though.

Get yourself neutered, it can be reversed when you make up your mind.

Now see ageless people.....this is why I usually stay out of the relationship section most of the time. I need to stick to animal rights, politics, religion, and idle chatter:rolleyes: Blessings, TD

TD: Wow...do you actually ever read what you write? Whether or not you have a nice daughter, a good job and a lovely husband has nothing to do with the sheer anger in your post. You make statements like "get yourself neutered" but then indicate that you don't have a problem with anger....hmm, maybe you just have a problem expressing yourself without anger.

I have an issue with people's stupidity as well.....and I am going to refrain from making some candid comments here about your own level of intelligence. I did come here for advice, and have given my own advice to other people posting here. I don't think there is anything wrong with a different opinion....as long as comments are made with tack and respect. Honestly, there is NO reason for you to get yourself so worked up over something you read on an internet forum...there are bigger things in life to worry about.

FortyishCutie

You have a big decision to make!!!

Don't worry about what age you will be when the child reaches 20. A lot of same age couples are having children around 40 (its huge here in Australia) and at least with your child the father will be younger. I recently read that it is now thought that it is the age of the father at the time of conception (not the mother as previously thought) that causes a lot of genetic problems so that could be a bonus for you.

I'm a step mum to a 3 year old girl and I love it when we get our access weekends. I've just turned 40 and at times she exhausts me but it is worth it.

My partner and I are hoping to have our own child and I don't worry about if I will put on weight or suffer exhaustion..... women of any age can suffer that and it doesn't stop them. Don't worry about pain - there are plenty of drugs to counteract that & who knows you could be one of those very rare lucky women who have orgasmic births!!!

Your life will be forever changed so if you want your life to continue as is do not go ahead with it. If however you are prepared to have a new adventure then step towards it.

Whatever you do think very carefully.

Apologies to you, Fortyish, you know we have many, many nice people here, but some people sit on a throne of their own perceived perfection and pass judgment on others.

Take the advice that comes from caring, ignore the rest.

The odds of raising a child with the father are less than 50%, so whether or not you want a baby has to be entirely your decision. My advice: follow your heart, listen to your rational brain, and don't let fear make a decision for you. Millions of women have abortions and are happy with their choice, millions of women carry unexpected pregnancies to birth and are happy with their choice.

Edit add: There is something not-right about a person that will kick someone when they open up their heart to them, so PLEASE don't take in anything that is said by those people.

Satya: Wow, so where you're at its not uncommon for people to have kids in their 40's? I can't help it, but I do worry about the age thing....like, am I really just too old to even be thinking about this? Can someone my age who is set in her ways really learn to adapt to a new lifestyle....or will I be some hateful, tired, and bitter woman who just wasn't cut out to raise a child??? What you said about it being more important that the man is younger more virile is interesting...I'd love to read anything you've seen on that....let me know:)

Chatterbox: Although I really don't have any doubts as to my SO sticking around, I get your point. Honestly, unless I did something like cheat on him, he would not leave me once married......however, since one never knows that path that marriage is going to take, you can't assume that you'll be together forever. Therein lies the problem.....I really only want a baby if it is going to be something that my SO and I can enjoy together....a family. I don't want to be one of those people that ends of leaving their kid in daycare because they have to work hellish hours to support them....and I don't want to have my child grow up with some of the issues that children from single parent homes have. So, that's one of the big issues I'm struggling with now.


Thanks much for your note regarding the negative comments. I don't take them to heart, but am bothered by people who feel the need to be mean or spiteful in trying to broadcast their opinions. You get more bees with honey, right? People should understand that their voice will be heard alot more clearly if they convey their message in a polite and respectful manner.:D

I think you have been enjoying your lifestyle for too long.

If you don't want a kid, don't have one.

There seems to be a lot of emotional drama in your mind as it is. And the kid hasn't even been born yet.:confused:

I wish I could remember where I read about the younger man genetic thing but I can't. I will let you know if it comes back to me.

Yes it is very common for women to be having babies in their late 30's & early 40's here. I think there are a few reasons for this. A lot of career women leave it until they are financially stable or when they have managed to find love. We have a thing here called the Australian Dream - which is to own your own home. Many couples choose to wait to have children until they are well into paying off their mortgage. Others (like you) don't want to put their kids in day care so they keep putting it off until they they can afford to stay home, but then find if they want the Australian Dream they will have to work regardless and still manage to have a happy family life. Then there are also the women who have IVF treatment who end up having babies later in life. It is so common here. Most of them have healthy pregnancies and their children don't suffer from having older parents.

You will never know what kind of mother you will be unless you become one. Most people say if they waited for their life to be in an ideal situation before having children they would never have had them.

Just weigh up the pros and cons and go with whatever adds up best.

Wow, so where you're at its not uncommon for people to have kids in their 40's? I can't help it, but I do worry about the age thing....like, am I really just too old to even be thinking about this?

There really are lots of older mothers with young children. Where? Everywhere, but university towns/cities for starters. You are centainly young enough that this particular age gap (OM/YC) should not be a problem. I had my son at 28 and my husband and I were always one of the younger looking couples at any of the open houses. Communities where people have done what you have done, pursued education, travel and careers are loaded with age gap parent/children relationships.

I think it is better to be mature enough to want to be think maternity thoroughly, than to think babies are cute, having it, and then not caring for it.

I think you have been enjoying your lifestyle for too long.

If you don't want a kid, don't have one.

There seems to be a lot of emotional drama in your mind as it is. And the kid hasn't even been born yet.:confused:

Well, the emotional drama comes from the fact that I'm trying to weigh all of the pros and cons before making a descision I'll regret later. Better to think about it all NOW...before a kid is born.

Wow, someone Fortyish who seems to use her fertility as some kind of badge of honor as if anyone who disagrees with her decisions/opinions is jealous of her overly active uterus, interesting coping method. For the record, not everyone who thinks you need to re-evaluate your decisions in life has a barren wasteland for a reproductive system. Then...you make it seem as if we are some how jealous of the fact that you "invested well"...You must be the only financially secure, fertile person on ageless with the way you are acting. Furthermore, airing your "I don't need to work" financial good fortune only shows just how truly selfish you are being in considering aborting this child...most people consider such an option because they have no idea how they will be able to afford to raise the child, but clearly this is not a worry for you.

You said: "Can someone my age who is set in her ways really learn to adapt to a new lifestyle...." Hmmm..what an entirely selfish and shallow reason to end the life of a baby, a "miracle baby" at that...Furthermore, if you don't want to raise the child why don't you put it up for adoption?

I think it is better to be mature enough to want to be think maternity thoroughly, than to think babies are cute, having it, and then not caring for it.

Yes, which is why this thought process should happen BEFORE someone gets knocked up. As a passionate Christian (based on other discussions/debates that we have had) I am sure that you are not saying that it is fine for someone who is of age and financially secure to abort a child, the second in less than two years...???

Well, the emotional drama comes from the fact that I'm trying to weigh all of the pros and cons before making a descision I'll regret later. Better to think about it all NOW...before a kid is born.


Don't do it.

hmmm......i've read through this.....as a mother and a grandmother, i'll make two comments:

1) basically motherhood is a crapshoot. you never know what kind of cyclone is going to emerge from your womb.

2) children are highly overrated.

so now we all know that even birth control FAILS so if one doesnt want children they can abstain or have their tubes tied (pass it on )
so i 'm 40 and 24 weeks pregnant now. was this planned ? nope we discussed "someday" so now "someday" is upon us. is this cramping my style ? yep ! no smokin' and drinkin' for me....... will it keep crampin' my style ??? yep ! no sex in the kitchen or all nighters ....... so what ! i ve been there done that. i can put my life on hold to raise our kid(s) and in 20 years i ll STILL be a HOT VIBRANT BABE! and when the kid(s) are up and out we can go back to our old antics!!!!!! BUT that s me. you were actually trying to NOT get pregnant as u were on BC (we were like ummm after today we gotta use a condom) so you were assuming ... no baby! :eek: all i gotta say about that is this baby was hellbent on getting born!!!! p.s. i don t particularly care for other peoples children either i think lots of ppl are like that!

littlebug,

Just thought I'd let you know that having a child does not necessarily mean an end to sex in the kitchen. Depending on your house design you may still get away with that when they are having a nap or are busy watching Dora the Explorer. :p

Hi FortyishCutie,

I can sympathise with how you must feel. The `time is running out' thing puts a lot of pressure on the situation...though in reality you probably do have few more years left to decide about motherhood.

My age is 36 yo, and I have consciously decided against motherhood. It seems to be a fairly rare decision, as far as I can tell, but I am happy and comfortable with the decision. I love and appreciate children, I respect mothers and motherhood, and I genuinely have no desire to be a mother (never have).

I feel that there are pros and cons associated with this decision.

The cons: I feel that motherhood brings a certain meaning and set of routines to a woman's life which are character building, & which enable her to bond more closely with other women and possibly even her partner. Theres nothing like a child's love, nor a childs laughter. Children cut through all the crap and take you as you are, which I feel is good for the spirit. Teaching a child gives meaning to what you have learned. Raising a child involves losing yourself, and finding yourself all over again.

By choosing against motherhood, i probably will experience none of this, and I see this as sacrifice.

The pros: For all the benefits that I see, or haven't even thought of, surrounding motherhood, I feel that being a mother would mean wasting my education, skills, and everything I worked so hard to become as a person. I didn't go to university as a joke or to meet a better class of guy; I saw it as an opportunity to explore my potential to contribute to the world in the way I am best suited.

I don't have any great talent for housework, no great passion for care-giving as a full-time job. But you know, I am great at what I have chosen to do with my life. Some people would regard my skills as valuable, some wouldn't. But I worked hard to become what I am, so I guess I don't want to throw it all away.

I really can't comment because I'm exactly the opposite (must be one of the jealous ones). I really, really would like a child and have wanted kids since I was one myself. Unfortunately, I did not feel I could raise one by myself and never found proper 'dad' material. I've just turned 38 and getting so worried I'm never going to be a mum. My vym friend would be a perfect father in a few years time but that will be too late for me. Want to send me your baby? Only joking of course! But yes, I think there must be reasons why you keep getting pregnant, beside fertility. Maybe it's just meant to be?

Wow, someone Fortyish who seems to use her fertility as some kind of badge of honor as if anyone who disagrees with her decisions/opinions is jealous of her overly active uterus, interesting coping method. For the record, not everyone who thinks you need to re-evaluate your decisions in life has a barren wasteland for a reproductive system. Then...you make it seem as if we are some how jealous of the fact that you "invested well"...You must be the only financially secure, fertile person on ageless with the way you are acting. Furthermore, airing your "I don't need to work" financial good fortune only shows just how truly selfish you are being in considering aborting this child...most people consider such an option because they have no idea how they will be able to afford to raise the child, but clearly this is not a worry for you.

You said: "Can someone my age who is set in her ways really learn to adapt to a new lifestyle...." Hmmm..what an entirely selfish and shallow reason to end the life of a baby, a "miracle baby" at that...Furthermore, if you don't want to raise the child why don't you put it up for adoption?

Okay, even though responding to these kind of "hate" posts is getting tiring... I'll bite...(heavy sigh)....so here goes:

1. My fertility is not a "badge of honor" - I made the suggestion on ONE post that Kels37 should not get all bent out of shape over her own fears of not being able to have children. Many people here are OW dating YM and have mentioned either losing their guy in the past or present because of their inability to have kids....maybe they wish they were more fertile...maybe they don't....it doesn't really have anything to do with my post.

2. I have not once said anything about anyone being jealous regarding the fact that I invested well. That comment was a response to a specific question asked by TinyDancer. She wanted to know if I was going to be using "her tax dollars" to raise a child, and I indicated that this was not the case. I am not "airing" my "good forture" at all - one person asked......I answered.

3. Newsflash!! - lack of money is NOT the only reason people consider the option of abortion, so get down off your soapbox and stop throwing stones just because in my case this is not a decision based on finances. Many women follow through with terminations because its bad timing....they are in the midst of an important career change, or maybe dating a man they are not sure they will marry, or feel they are too young (or in my case too old!) to be a good parent, or maybe have health issues...whatever...there are many different reasons, and many of them have nothing to do with money.

4. This is not a "miracle" baby - although its unlikely for women to get pregnant as easily as I do at my age, it is by no means a "miracle". My question regarding my ability or inability to adapt to motherhood is not "selfish", its being honest...and quite frankly, for a pro-life hardliner like yourself, I doubt that ANY reason to not have a child (aside from rape) would be GOOD ENOUGH for you. Ah ha! But see that's just it......This isn't about YOU!

5. I've already answered the question about adoption in a prior post. At my age there are too many health risks involved with pregnancy (gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, birth defects, etc) for me to even CONSIDER having it for someone else. Not to mention I have a wonderful man in my life who means everything to me and he would not be behind his child being adopted out to another couple. He is fine with me terminating if I don't want a baby, but to expect him to follow thru a pregnancy with me just so I can give the baby to someone else is asking a bit much.

So, gather the horses around and muster up your next attack lady....I can take it! People like you are not looking to actually HELP anyone...only using this as a platform to broadcast your pro-life beliefs. This post is not about that - so if you get off on discussing the whole Roe v. Wade issue, maybe you should start a new thread??

Yes, which is why this thought process should happen BEFORE someone gets knocked up. As a passionate Christian (based on other discussions/debates that we have had) I am sure that you are not saying that it is fine for someone who is of age and financially secure to abort a child, the second in less than two years...???

Hmmn....doesn't the bible say something like "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone?" are you indicating you are without sin??? Spare me....

hmmm......i've read through this.....as a mother and a grandmother, i'll make two comments:

1) basically motherhood is a crapshoot. you never know what kind of cyclone is going to emerge from your womb.

2) children are highly overrated.

Now THAT is honesty! Its funny how already married people will try to CONVINCE their friends that marriage is a good idea....even though the married ones are completely unhappy....same things goes with kids I guess. Those who have them and are having a hell of a time with it are quick to try to convince others to jump in the same boat.....misery loves company right!

And then there are people like you who tell it like it is......thank you! :)

Littlebug: Of course I know that getting my tubes tied is always an option...but although I have never had the "call" of motherhood before, I wanted to leave it as an option....especially in the last few years because of my relationship with my YM. Not to mention I have never broken a bone or had a surgery in my LIFE - I am in good health...I never get sick (not even colds), so I am not thrilled about having my body cut open or invaded in any way for a surgery that is not required!:eek:

Bella D: You sound EXACTLY like me from the age of about 28 to 35! Surprisingly enough it wasn't until I got out of my unhappy marriage (which will take away your desire to have kids altogether) and started enjoying my life that I actually started to think that it might be something worth reconsidering. Of course...I am not at all suggesting you are in a unhappy relationship or not enjoying your life....just that I completely understand your stance on the issue and totally respect it.
There are many people out there that tend to treat people who choose not to have kids as overly selfish or odd....I disagree. I think when someone is intelligent and mature enough to know parenthood is not for them, they are saving themselves and the unborn child a lifetime of misery. Don't listen to the people who try to put you down for it....they are usually the ones who are ****ty parents themselves and have kids that hate them, or kids that will ultimately grow up with major developmental issues because of the inadequate home life they endured as a child. :rolleyes:

Enamour: If your YM isn't ready to be a dad yet, would you really want to get pregnant now and bear the emotional and financial responsibility alone? Wouldn't the whole having a baby thing be so much more fulfilling and rewarding if you knew you could offer your child a home with TWO parents? Maybe there is a reason YOU haven't gotten pregnant yet...but that its something that will happen down the line a bit? As for myself, I doubt my getting pregnant has anything to do with "fate"....although its a lovely thought ;)

i m very sure u knew that was an option i was making a statement about tying tubes to EVERYONE ...... NOT saying YOU should have done that........ anyway i was always like that too not really into having chillun' .... I was FREAKED when it hit me but i knew i wouldn t abort worse case senerio for me??? i work and my hunny stays home..... like i said your baby was determined to to be made!!! if u want advice i say go for it :O) ! good luck!!

Yes, which is why this thought process should happen BEFORE someone gets knocked up. As a passionate Christian (based on other discussions/debates that we have had) I am sure that you are not saying that it is fine for someone who is of age and financially secure to abort a child, the second in less than two years...???
I am just plain Catholic Christian, not passionate Christian. Please note that in the previous thread about pregnancy I supported a beautiful post you made. PM me if you want to know why my position seems to have changed.

Hmmn....doesn't the bible say something like "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone?" are you indicating you are without sin??? Spare me....

I'm not a Christian darling...and according to my religion if something is wrong you do not sit around and say "well I am not perfect so I can't comment on something that is clearly wrong"...the world would never make any progress that way, we'd all be sitting a circle with our thumbs up our rear ends if that was the case...

Furthermore, I am not some ranting Pro Lifer who is ready to blow up abortion clinics or anything of that nature...in fact for the vast majority of my life I was a very, very passionate pro-Choicer, however with a decision as serious as ending the LIFE of an unborn child one MUST look at the situation and unless the situation is very, very serious...I see absolutely no excuse for an able minded, able bodied person to end the life of a child...abortion should NOT be used as late birth control. Furthermore, I don't care if you but alcatraz around your private parts, if you were not prepared to take the risk of getting pregnant you shouldn't have been having sex...

I am just plain Catholic Christian, not passionate Christian. Please note that in the previous thread about pregnancy I supported a beautiful post you made. PM me if you want to know why my position seems to have changed.

The Catholic Church is hands down against abortion, are they not?

I am responding in PMs.

My question regarding my ability or inability to adapt to motherhood is not "selfish", its being honest...and quite frankly, for a pro-life hardliner like yourself, I doubt that ANY reason to not have a child (aside from rape) would be GOOD ENOUGH for you. Ah ha! But see that's just it......This isn't about YOU!

Amina is a hardliner pro-lifer??? :confused: :eek:

Amina is a hardliner pro-lifer??? :confused: :eek:

Actually, I have no idea what her personal beliefs are - normally people don't get as upset and offensive in discussion regarding pregnancy terminations if they are pro-choice.

I'm not a Christian darling...and according to my religion if something is wrong you do not sit around and say "well I am not perfect so I can't comment on something that is clearly wrong"...the world would never make any progress that way, we'd all be sitting a circle with our thumbs up our rear ends if that was the case...

Furthermore, I am not some ranting Pro Lifer who is ready to blow up abortion clinics or anything of that nature...in fact for the vast majority of my life I was a very, very passionate pro-Choicer, however with a decision as serious as ending the LIFE of an unborn child one MUST look at the situation and unless the situation is very, very serious...I see absolutely no excuse for an able minded, able bodied person to end the life of a child...abortion should NOT be used as late birth control. Furthermore, I don't care if you but alcatraz around your private parts, if you were not prepared to take the risk of getting pregnant you shouldn't have been having sex...

My reference was in response to a post you made which brought up a religious slant.....you are probably muslim so I guess treating others the way you want to be treated yourself doesn't factor into your dealings with other people.

I have no idea if you are pro-life or pro-choice, but people who are pro-choice usually do not get hostile when discussing a pregnancy termination. If you think that people should stop having sex just because there is a possibility of pregnancy (whether that be via a condom breaking, a diaphram slipping or whatever) then you are certainly entitled to your opinion, but there are others in the world who do not see things the same way.

If you would look back at my original post, you would see that this has never been a discussion about whether or not I feel abortion is wrong - it was an effort to get some feedback from people who knew a little something about motherhood - who could advise on the pros and cons of even considering making that life change. There are plenty of people who want to weigh in with their opinions who don't even have children themselves, and therefore are not really qualified to advise others on what it is like to experience it. There are others who have children but are unfit parents who DIDN'T think about the commitment it requires before they had the child, and the child ends up suffering for it later. I am asking the questions I am because I don't want to be one of those parents - I don't want to bring a child into the world that is going to have to spend its life without a father, without the stability and security of a home that they are welcomed into. I'm sorry that you don't agree with that - but your opinions on pregnancy terminations are not going to change the fact that I believe that people should have children only if and when they are ready and able to provide a good life for the kid.

answer me this..is anyone on here really going to sway your opinion either way?

i m very sure u knew that was an option i was making a statement about tying tubes to EVERYONE ...... NOT saying YOU should have done that........ anyway i was always like that too not really into having chillun' .... I was FREAKED when it hit me but i knew i wouldn t abort worse case senerio for me??? i work and my hunny stays home..... like i said your baby was determined to to be made!!! if u want advice i say go for it :O) ! good luck!!

You know what, there is a part of me that really wants to take the chance, but I have to be honest....it scares the crap out of me! What keeps coming to my mind the most are the inherent risks of either having a stillborn, or having a kid with developmental issues...being that I am the age that I am. That is not something I would wish on anyone - and not something I would ever want to put my mate through.

In addition I keep seeing these posts from people that say if you're going to have a child, be prepared to raise it by yourself...and the truth is, I don't want to raise a child by myself. I want to know that the father is going to be around (and not just for weekend visits and child support) - I would want it to be a blessing, not a curse. All the talk about how relationships fail and a person needing to be prepared for the day that theirs does make me really wonder if its worth taking the chance.

answer me this..is anyone on here really going to sway your opinion either way?

Honestly, if I wasn't looking for some additional information to help me make the right decision, I wouldn't have asked to begin with. Being that there are alot of older women here, I thought that a few might have experienced pregnancy later and life and could weigh in on their experience.....basically whether or not they would advise it is being a good thing, or something that I really shouldn't consider this late in my life. I wanted to know if there were others who maybe went ahead and had children even though they didn't have a "maternal" instinct who found the experience to be positive....and of course I wanted to hear from those who maybe felt that in retrospect it wasn't the best decision they ever made. All of it helps - its a very difficult and irreversible decision, and one that requires alot of thought.

I'm sorry that you don't agree with that - but your opinions on pregnancy terminations are not going to change the fact that I believe that people should have children only if and when they are ready and able to provide a good life for the kid.

It's a shame you don't realize that right NOW....there's a child growing inside you...

so according to your belief...you should be ready and able to provide for the life you've created.

Nadine.

Fortyish~

I am 38 and the very proud mother of 4. In all honesty, it *is* harder to raise children on your own. However, it is also very true that even if you were blissfully married and your husband were gleeful at even the mere possibility of fatherhood that you might *still* be a single parent at some point in your life. Fact is that a home can be a welcoming place for a child with or without a partner. A family is not necessarily a mommy, daddy, baby(ies), and a pet. They sure come in all shapes and sizes.

It is a wise mother-to-be that realizes she might have to go it alone some day. Frankly, it is a wise father-to-be that considers that possibility too.

My mother had a very long, happy marriage. In her early 40s, after having children much younger, she found herself pregnant with my younger brother. My parents were thrilled. My father passed away suddenly 2 years ago. She is now raising a teenager alone (after having raised three already). You can be a single parent at anytime for any reason. There is no guarentee that you will never be without your partner.

I know this is just my opinion, but a child can be loved and welcomed with only one parent and a child can be loved and welcomed even if their parents no longer love each other.

You are by no means over the hill for having a child. At 39, I'd hardly call it a miracle to be pregnant. Lots and lots of women are having babies every single day into their early 40s. You don't need to sit in constant fear that a child born to you now would be destined to birth defects and death. There are lots of tests that your OB can (and will) do all along. You can be informed. You can always terminate at a later time if your fears come to fruition.

This is a personal decision that only you can make. A bunch of strangers on the net seems a cold place to find these answers... and I say this as pretty long standing member here. I consider this place a home away from home so to speak and many folks here dear friends... but still...

Only you and your partner know what is right for you.

I was not going to post here, but here I am, because I see so much back and forth and 40rish, you sure know this, we only have ONE guarantee in life, that is, we all shall die! Until then, we continue to live life, then it is up to each individual to make the best out of it!

At 39, you still are at an excellent age to become a mother for the first time. There are several tests you can get done during your pregnancy to see if your child is carrying any deformalities, such as down syndrome, hemophilia, just to name a few.

Let me give you some example on life:

My sister-in-law at 42 was pregnant, had some testing done, was informed her child was carrying some serious deformalities and aborted, doctor's order, at 5 months.

I have a friend that had a down syndrome child at age 23.

I have a friend that her husband, they were madly in love, died and she is raising her 3 children, under age 10, alone.

I have a client that got divorce and she and her husband are the best parents of their two boys. He is very involved. Just because a couple divorces each other, that does not mean they are divorcing their children.

Children are not born with instruction booklets, no manuals on how to raise them, but sure there are lots of books out there you can read nowadays. My 29 yrs old daughter has a 1 yr old child and she reads a lot about that stuff.

I am almost 47 and I also have a 13 yrs old. I sure do not feel old. My kid loves having a mom my age! Also, I have been divorced for almost 10 years, and my child's father is not very involved at all, but my daughter is not lacking in the love department! I also have time for me, even if my child is super involved in many activities. It can be done. It is all about attitude, and priorities of course!

By the way I am pro choice. My grandmother had (against my grandfather's wishes) an illegal abortion in 1942 (not legal in Spain back then) because she felt, she could not feed so many mouths (she had 5 kids, the youngest was 1 yr old) and she hemorrhaged to death. My mom was 9 yrs old when her mother died. At that age she ended up quitting school and taking care of her 1 yr old sister and becoming her mother. My grandfather raised all of them alone, he never remarried.

Oh yes, I am a catholic! :)

So you see, the choice is yours. Whatever you decide, don't live to regret it!

40rish is in your hands...

My reference was in response to a post you made which brought up a religious slant.....you are probably muslim so I guess treating others the way you want to be treated yourself doesn't factor into your dealings with other people.

And a bigot too!!! Awesome!

It's a shame you don't realize that right NOW....there's a child growing inside you...

so according to your belief...you should be ready and able to provide for the life you've created.

Nadine.

Honestly, I'm not the first or last person that will find themselves in this situation, and whether or not you agree with it, I am not ready to bring a child into the world unless I feel that the conditions will be right for a good childhood. Its not your body....or your pregnancy...its mine, so what I choose to do has to be what I think is best, not what others feel I should do.

And a bigot too!!! Awesome!

Sorry...did I hit a little too close to home?

Fortyish~

I am 38 and the very proud mother of 4. In all honesty, it *is* harder to raise children on your own. However, it is also very true that even if you were blissfully married and your husband were gleeful at even the mere possibility of fatherhood that you might *still* be a single parent at some point in your life. Fact is that a home can be a welcoming place for a child with or without a partner. A family is not necessarily a mommy, daddy, baby(ies), and a pet. They sure come in all shapes and sizes.

It is a wise mother-to-be that realizes she might have to go it alone some day. Frankly, it is a wise father-to-be that considers that possibility too.

My mother had a very long, happy marriage. In her early 40s, after having children much younger, she found herself pregnant with my younger brother. My parents were thrilled. My father passed away suddenly 2 years ago. She is now raising a teenager alone (after having raised three already). You can be a single parent at anytime for any reason. There is no guarentee that you will never be without your partner.

I know this is just my opinion, but a child can be loved and welcomed with only one parent and a child can be loved and welcomed even if their parents no longer love each other.

You are by no means over the hill for having a child. At 39, I'd hardly call it a miracle to be pregnant. Lots and lots of women are having babies every single day into their early 40s. You don't need to sit in constant fear that a child born to you now would be destined to birth defects and death. There are lots of tests that your OB can (and will) do all along. You can be informed. You can always terminate at a later time if your fears come to fruition.

This is a personal decision that only you can make. A bunch of strangers on the net seems a cold place to find these answers... and I say this as pretty long standing member here. I consider this place a home away from home so to speak and many folks here dear friends... but still...

Only you and your partner know what is right for you.

I did find out today that some tests can be run to determine the viability of the whole thing, so that is probably what I'll do before making a decision. I think if I get a Dr.'s opinion on what he/she feels are the real risks involved, that will help.

I was not going to post here, but here I am, because I see so much back and forth and 40rish, you sure know this, we only have ONE guarantee in life, that is, we all shall die! Until then, we continue to live life, then it is up to each individual to make the best out of it!

At 39, you still are at an excellent age to become a mother for the first time. There are several tests you can get done during your pregnancy to see if your child is carrying any deformalities, such as down syndrome, hemophilia, just to name a few.

Let me give you some example on life:

My sister-in-law at 42 was pregnant, had some testing done, was informed her child was carrying some serious deformalities and aborted, doctor's order, at 5 months.

I have a friend that had a down syndrome child at age 23.

I have a friend that her husband, they were madly in love, died and she is raising her 3 children, under age 10, alone.

I have a client that got divorce and she and her husband are the best parents of their two boys. He is very involved. Just because a couple divorces each other, that does not mean they are divorcing their children.

Children are not born with instruction booklets, no manuals on how to raise them, but sure there are lots of books out there you can read nowadays. My 29 yrs old daughter has a 1 yr old child and she reads a lot about that stuff.

I am almost 47 and I also have a 13 yrs old. I sure do not feel old. My kid loves having a mom my age! Also, I have been divorced for almost 10 years, and my child's father is not very involved at all, but my daughter is not lacking in the love department! I also have time for me, even if my child is super involved in many activities. It can be done. It is all about attitude, and priorities of course!

By the way I am pro choice. My grandmother had (against my grandfather's wishes) an illegal abortion in 1942 (not legal in Spain back then) because she felt, she could not feed so many mouths (she had 5 kids, the youngest was 1 yr old) and she hemorrhaged to death. My mom was 9 yrs old when her mother died. At that age she ended up quitting school and taking care of her 1 yr old sister and becoming her mother. My grandfather raised all of them alone, he never remarried.

Oh yes, I am a catholic! :)

So you see, the choice is yours. Whatever you decide, don't live to regret it!

40rish is in your hands...

Thank you...that's great information, and good advice all the way around! You are very kind to take the time to write :)

The pros: For all the benefits that I see, or haven't even thought of, surrounding motherhood, I feel that being a mother would mean wasting my education, skills, and everything I worked so hard to become as a person. I didn't go to university as a joke or to meet a better class of guy; I saw it as an opportunity to explore my potential to contribute to the world in the way I am best suited.

I don't have any great talent for housework, no great passion for care-giving as a full-time job. But you know, I am great at what I have chosen to do with my life. Some people would regard my skills as valuable, some wouldn't. But I worked hard to become what I am, so I guess I don't want to throw it all away.

Ever heard of working mothers????

You know what, there is a part of me that really wants to take the chance, but I have to be honest....it scares the crap out of me! What keeps coming to my mind the most are the inherent risks of either having a stillborn, or having a kid with developmental issues...being that I am the age that I am. That is not something I would wish on anyone - and not something I would ever want to put my mate through.

In addition I keep seeing these posts from people that say if you're going to have a child, be prepared to raise it by yourself...and the truth is, I don't want to raise a child by myself. I want to know that the father is going to be around (and not just for weekend visits and child support) - I would want it to be a blessing, not a curse. All the talk about how relationships fail and a person needing to be prepared for the day that theirs does make me really wonder if its worth taking the chance.


1. Everyone takes a chance with stillbirth & development issues - the only women I know to have suffered these things have been in their twenties. Women who smoke are more likely to have stillbirths so avoid that and you increase your luck. You could have every test available to check for things like downs syndrome etc if that worries you... they are pretty accurate these days. Take folic acid every day - it helps with cell development and helps avoid things like spina bifida.

2. None of us have a guarantee of our partner being with us throughout the child's life.

Ever heard of working mothers????

Yes, Satya..I can see the point you are making.

I run a successful and growing business with my partner.

I honestly couldn't replace my position within the business at this point, and I wouldn't want to because I love what I do. Pregnancy for me would probably mean the loss of two people's livelihoods.

Bella D

The point that I am making is that most women continue to work after having children, the children get looked after by family or are placed in childcare.... their skills are not lost and they provide a great future for their kids by continuing to work. I'm not sure what line of business you are in but many women with their own businesses don't even take time off (apart from a hospital stay) and work alongside their baby.

That said, it's everyone's right to choose to have kids (or not) and I commend you on making the decision that's right for you.

Just out of curiosity, what are child-care rates like in the US? Here in Australia they are around $350 per week.....for many low income earners this is a full week's wage.

I grew up Catholic (now a recovering catholic--an agnostic) and to this day, my parents and family were very "anti abortion." Sometimes, in fact, they would send me awful pictures at Christmas time of partial birth abortions, this is how strong they felt. I begged them not to send this stuff in Christmas packages!!

Needless to say, I was very careful and used birth control during my 20's and 30's, and was terrified of getting pregnant.

As I merged into my late 30's, I realized I was probably not going to be a Mom, and that was okay with me. I had always met men who were older and did not want children, or already had them and didn't want to have more. I was always 50/50 on the idea. My last boyfriend was 18 years older and in his 50's, and although the biological clock started ticking a little bit, I didn't feel it would ever happen. Besides, I was terrified of child birth, and although I had done babysitting in my teens, I hadn't held a little baby in my arms in over 10 years!

The relationship with the older boyfriend broke up, and I met someone 18 years younger than me in 2003. With the older boyfriend, we had thought of getting married, and therefore, we stopped using protection and tossed fate to the wind if I did get pregnant, we would have a child. For 8 years, nothing happened. The older boyfriend often made comments to make me think I was infertile. I began to believe this. I was alergic to birth control and inserts, and got bad reactions from them. The only alternative was a condom or no sex at all, or a permanent fix, which I did not want. When I met the younger boyfriend, I stupidly thought I was still infertile. To make a long story short, I got pregnant and was terrified since we had only known each other 5 months (I was 39). We had an abortion, which I did not find to be a bad emotional experience (except if my parents found out) but instead I knew he was not ready for this and we had just met and wanted to get to know each other. It was a difficult decision for both of us, and I went on birth control afterwards even though it made me sick. After we got married, we decided to plan for a child. This was mostly for my husbands benefit, I could have gone either way, but because he wanted it and was ready, so was I.

It didn't take long to get pregnant again. However, 10 weeks later, I had a miscarriage, which was much more tramatic than an abortion, because we were "excited" and had finally gotten rid of our selfishness and decided it was what we wanted. It was a horrible miscarriage, but I was willing to try one more time. Three months later, I was pregnant again, and today I am 32 weeks pregnant and going strong. I am excited about having this child, and now realize it was something I truly did want. My biggest fear now is hoping it will be healthy. We did all the amnino tests and everything came out fine, and its all my husband can talk about. I will be 42 when this child is born, and I don't plan on going beyond one.

Realize that if you want to have a child, you might not have another opportunity. I know that many women get pregnant in their 40's, but the time goes fast and if something goes wrong, all that time is wasted.

My biggest problem now is not having a child, but dealing with my sometimes immature husband which has become more of a challenge---lol.

S

Bella D

I'd be interested to hear that as well. I'm in Melbourne and my partner pays for his daughter's day care & it only costs a little over $100 a week. I think it's heavily subsidised by the government based on his ex's income (as she has her 11 nights out of 14) and she only works part time and receives a single mothers pension (or whatever the politically correct term is for that these days). I'm sure the costs would skyrocket should we end up being lucky enough to have a child of our own & seek out day care with both of us working.

My biggest problem now is not having a child, but dealing with my sometimes immature husband which has become more of a challenge---lol.

S

Congratulations, I hope all goes well with the birth (I'm sure it will).

Having the baby is bound to make your husband more mature.... hopefully he will be like my YM who thinks that having a child was the best thing he ever did (he's 23 with a 3 year old daughter). He thinks it helped him "grow up".

Hi Satya...its great to meet another Australian! I'm living in Brisbane where things are getting more expensive all the time, but I can see how its harder again in Melbourne where housing is more expensive. Child-rearing would be so much easier if housing prices were reasonable, don't you think?

I honestly don't know how people do it sometimes. Parents are such champions!

I had my daughter when I was 37/38. I was in my 40's through out kindergarten and elementary school. I have never had anything in my life make me feel so young!

I was a career woman so I did make use of nanny's and housekeepers. ;)

We always talk about OUR "OLDER AGE" concerns in creating a baby, but think of this... my husband was only 22 at the time so his YOUNG genes helped make her healthy also.

If you absolutely know for sure that you NEVER want a child and you are not comfortable with this one... that is one thing. But to think you can put it off and have another baby later, having this abortion may ruin that for you. Be sure to talk with your doctor about that.

I just had another great afternoon with my 4 year old granddaughter who is the light of my life (I am almost 60) :eek: .

Hi Satya...its great to meet another Australian! I'm living in Brisbane where things are getting more expensive all the time, but I can see how its harder again in Melbourne where housing is more expensive. Child-rearing would be so much easier if housing prices were reasonable, don't you think?

I honestly don't know how people do it sometimes. Parents are such champions!


I agree..... housing prices here have skyrocketed over the last few years and it does make it difficult for parents as they pretty much have to have a dual income household to keep up with mortgage payments. Mind you it is still possible to pay off a home in some suburbs for only $100 a week more than what a lot of people pay in rent.

I have the best of both worlds I work full time (as does my YM) and we have his daughter every fortnight for 3 nights over a weekend. I get to play mum for that time (I really miss her when she goes home to her mum) and then the rest of the time its just the two of us enjoying our life together.

Thats a great way to get used to motherhood too, Satya!

Ladies: I sincerely appreciate the info, and it seems from all the posts recieved that it is entirely possible for a thirty something woman like myself to have a successful pregnancy - but honestly I dont' want to raise a child by myself. I am not married, and have some serious doubts as to the viability of the relationship with the YM I'm involved with. He says he wants to marry me, but believe me when I say that there are reasons that I have not actually proceeded to the altar with him! I don't want to raise a child on my own...I know its possible and everything, but I really only want to have a kid when I feel really confident that my relationship with the father with work. My YM would definitely be there to take the kid on weekends and provide child support if we split up, but that's really not the life I want for my child.

Thank you though for all of the positive comments.......they really make me want to give the whole motherhood thing a shot. I know that terminating THIS pregnancy may destroy my chances on being a mother in the future, but I guess I still want "the dream". If I am unable to conceive in the future, then I guess I will just assume I am not really meant to be a mother.

If I am unable to conceive in the future, then I guess I will just assume I am not really meant to be a mother.
Well, you can assume that, OR you could realize that you made choices in life and those choices whether right or wrong gave you certain consequences (i.e. results).

Having multiple abortions CAN have an adverse affect on being able to carry a future pregnancy to full term. Just FYI.

The older I get, the less I find the "meant to be" operable for me. I see choices and results. I am finally learning that with the help of God, I create my happiness. But that is another thread. :)

I wish you well in whatever choice you make.

Well, you can assume that, OR you could realize that you made choices in life and those choices whether right or wrong gave you certain consequences (i.e. results).

The older I get, the less I find the "meant to be" operable for me. I see choices and results.

I concur Yellowrose!

99% of the time we are the masters at the helm. I used to subscribe to the "meant to be" school as well. It's really an excuse or a way to abdicate responsibility and control. We make choices, we get results. Sometimes in retrospect, we can see how things worked out for our greater good when bad things happened, or we made a bad decision, but we still made the choice to go through whatever difficulty (or joy) we ended up in. Due to circumstances in our lives, we may not always see it as such...

Of course, there are circumstances that we can't control (being born in poverty, having abusive parents, etc) but in the end, in adulthood, in America, even with mental and physical illnesses factored in, most of us have choices.

I was at a benefit today, and the speaker was a black man in his 50's. He was one of only two black teenagers in the city I live in who was picked to "try integration" in the 1960's. He said he kept asking himself "why me?" He felt uncomfortable in classrooms full of white students. One teacher told him he'd never amount to anything because he failed one test. He made decisions about the direction his life was going to go based on those experiences. He wanted to be a professional baseball player, but had a shoulder injury in his late teens, and that dream was aborted.

Today, he's a PhD and the administrative director of a masters program at a university. He's lived a rich, full life despite the fact that his father died when he was 12 years old and he had 5 younger brothers and sisters....and had to take over a leadership role at a young age. He'd be inspirational to anyone! He made positive choices despite circumstances and odds against him.

Ladies: I sincerely appreciate the info, and it seems from all the posts recieved that it is entirely possible for a thirty something woman like myself to have a successful pregnancy - but honestly I dont' want to raise a child by myself. I am not married, and have some serious doubts as to the viability of the relationship with the YM I'm involved with. He says he wants to marry me, but believe me when I say that there are reasons that I have not actually proceeded to the altar with him! I don't want to raise a child on my own...I know its possible and everything, but I really only want to have a kid when I feel really confident that my relationship with the father with work. My YM would definitely be there to take the kid on weekends and provide child support if we split up, but that's really not the life I want for my child.



As I've said before none of us (and I'm not just talking age gap relationships here) have the guarantee of having our man stand by us throughout a child's life.

You also mention not being married.... I've been both a wife and a defacto wife (my current situation) and the only difference to me was a fantastic day & a piece of paper to prove we had a marriage ceremony..... I am just as committed to my current man as I was to my husband. If you feel so strongly about these things then you should not go ahead with the pregnancy.

Fortyish, I'm glad that talking to us helped you understand what is best for you. Good luck.

Just a question..is it true that terminations make future pregnancies more difficult? That information conflicts with what I've been by doctors in Australia, who say it doesn't affect it at all (assuming its an early termination).

When abortions were illegal, infections and perforated uteruses sometimes caused sterility or the loss of the uterus. Even though anti-abortion sites often say that terminating a pregnancy by abortion can effect or threaten the possibility of future pregnancies and abortion sites often say that it will not, I assumed that there might be problems that could threaten future pregnancies. Here was one thing that made sense to me:

From: http://www.pregnancyquestions.org/cl/abortion/know.php

If the clinic does not test for STDs, you should see your doctor to check if you have an STD and be treated before an abortion.

If you have an STD and you are not treated before an abortion procedure is performed, the STD can spread into other areas of your body causing additional complications.

Most STDs can infect you for long periods of time with no symptoms.
It is estimated that 1 in 5 Americans is now infected with a viral STD. This does not include the bacterial STDs such as Chlamydia, syphilis, and gonorrhea which are at very high levels. Tragically, 63% of these infections occur in persons under age 25.

Here is one example of why this is so important:

PID (Pelvic Inflammatory Disease) is a potentially life threatening disease which can lead to increased risk of ectopic pregnancy and reduced fertility. Of patients who have a Chlamydia infection at the time of the abortion, 23% will develop PID within four weeks. Studies have found that 20-27% of patients seeking abortion have a Chlamydia infection. Approximately 5% of patients who are not infected by Chlamydia also develop PID within four weeks after a first trimester abortion...Abortion providers should screen for and treat such infections prior to an abortion.

Thanks Chatter!
I suppose it depends on the quality of the clinic, then? Our stats for PID & Clamydia are much lower than that.

Thanks FC for creating this thread as it answers a lot of my own questions. Actually, a lot of threads on this board have answered my questions and made me realise a few things about myself.

I particularly appreciate Susie64's testimony. I do think that if my relationship with my vym ever becomes more serious, I will definitely need to discuss pregnancy with him as I DO want to be a mother soon. I truly would rather have a OH's support in bringing up the child but will make it on my own if necessary.

Hehe, I'm all broody now!

When abortions were illegal, infections and perforated uteruses sometimes caused sterility or the loss of the uterus. Even though anti-abortion sites often say that terminating a pregnancy by abortion can effect or threaten the possibility of future pregnancies and abortion sites often say that it will not, I assumed that there might be problems that could threaten future pregnancies. Here was one thing that made sense to me:

From: http://www.pregnancyquestions.org/cl/abortion/know.php

If the clinic does not test for STDs, you should see your doctor to check if you have an STD and be treated before an abortion.

If you have an STD and you are not treated before an abortion procedure is performed, the STD can spread into other areas of your body causing additional complications.

Most STDs can infect you for long periods of time with no symptoms.
It is estimated that 1 in 5 Americans is now infected with a viral STD. This does not include the bacterial STDs such as Chlamydia, syphilis, and gonorrhea which are at very high levels. Tragically, 63% of these infections occur in persons under age 25.

Here is one example of why this is so important:

PID (Pelvic Inflammatory Disease) is a potentially life threatening disease which can lead to increased risk of ectopic pregnancy and reduced fertility. Of patients who have a Chlamydia infection at the time of the abortion, 23% will develop PID within four weeks. Studies have found that 20-27% of patients seeking abortion have a Chlamydia infection. Approximately 5% of patients who are not infected by Chlamydia also develop PID within four weeks after a first trimester abortion...Abortion providers should screen for and treat such infections prior to an abortion.

Keep in mind too that most first trimester abortions are now medical and NOT surgical....so that perforation or scarring of tissue is not an issue. It has never done anything to decrease my fertility (obviously) nor ever caused a subsequent infection in me. I'm sure there are some longer term effects, but I think its really quite difficult to put a percentage on risk.....all the studies done on both sides are different and alot of the info seems to be manipulated depending on what side of the fence you're standing on.

**Kristin raises her hand**

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