So what now?

It's 2:30pm on a Monday after the weekend I made a decision to "take a break" from my YM. We talked for an hour last night- mostly about keeping in touch and protocol for calling/emailing.

Fortunately, Im moving next week to my new house and he's heading overseas on 2 weeks vacation. Both these events should "dull" the separation pangs and I know that everyday that goes by is that much more water under the dam and it will get easier. It still doesnt help that I feel cheated by time/fate/biology/whatever.

I have even gone to the trouble of setting up a date with an older man (who wont take no for an answer) this Wednesday. Just to get my mind off this "lil boy" of mine.. Its not working. Im already looking for an excuse to cancel it!

Someone please kick my virtual rear-end.

Consider yourself kicked lol!
Go and TRY to have a nice time. Be really good to yourself and go get a massage, shop, whatever floats your boat. Be your own best friend and say the things to yourself that you would to someone else whom you love.
Drink a lot on your date....lol.......I don't know.
I know how hard this is:(
Blessings, TD

Kicking your virtual rear-end ;)

I know its tough, but try to be persistent in your decision. I know its cliché but if its meant to be he will come back when its the right time. Patience is the word :cool:

I know, I know. Easier said than done
Good luck!

I drive alot for my job today and while I drove back to the office this afternoon, I thought it might be a different spin on this forum to "chronicle" the feelings I have been having since splitting intimate ties with the YM I mentioned over the weekend.

Today was no easier until I got back to the office.

I still thought about all the things we had and had not said to each other. I remember telling him what I felt when looking into his eyes the very first time we met. I saw nothing but honesty in those blue pools. I suppose this is why I was so subsequently and easily "disarmed". He remained honest when he told me he didnt feel as strongly about me as I did him. I thought about what a child between me and him would have looked like. I tried to imagine myself 5 years down the road - how much more tired and older looking I would be if we could have planned a future together. I thought about what it would be like if he inevitably went through MMC (male midlife crisis) and broke my heart when he found someone younger. My mind was slowly turning over all these thoughts as I passed 10 foot high sugar cane fields in sweltering August heat and I drove the van on the long stretch of desolate highway back to town.

I got back to the office and had an email from a former boss of mine in Atlanta. A colleague of mine died last night after a 5 year battle with cancer. When I read the brief note, it felt as if I had been shot in the heart. I sobbed out loud at the memory of my co worker. We didnt get along very well during the time we worked together. After she took ill and was gone for months, we finally talked and cleared the air. I took on her extra assignments but left the company for other opportunities before she had been released back to work by her doctor. We lost touch until 2004. We chatted a bit on the phone. She sounded as if she had made a full recovery. Apparently she relapsed this year.

This woman had been married, divorced and had 20-something son who lived in another state. She died alone in a hospice.

I was humbled by the news of her death. It made me realize there are more important and graver issues than not being loved for who you are by some man who may have momentarily captured your fancy or flattered your vanity. You could die alone (like this woman did). In a way, the news of her death woke me up out of my indulgent self-pity over my YM. And while I cannot say I feel "better", I definitely have more perspective today than I did yesterday on the issue.

Writing is a therapuetic tool, and you do it well

I'm sorry to hear that this turned out this way. I had missed your "Followup post to Advice on How to Proceed." I'm the lady who thought you felt emotionally spent after sex! :eek: You brought a smile to my face that day. This post reminded me how easy it is to love, how hard it is to trust, and that despite all our fears about self fulfilling prophecy, its probably more important to be true to ourselves than to delude ourselves about happy endings that might not happen. Geez, that is a downer, but today you were able to put things into a proper perspective. I would say that was an amazing second day!

I don't know your story (other than inherently knowing heartache) but your writing is very engaging!

Have a pint of Haagen-Dazs on me!

I don't know your story (other than inherently knowing heartache) but your writing is very engaging!

Agreed 100%!! That's good writing, Seneca. Just keep right on doing that. :cool:

Wow, its too bad it takes some major trauma for us to get it. If we find love that's great and if we're still looking, well look with a heart full of gratitude for all things in our lives that give us joy.

Its not only a man or a woman or children that should bring us that. Its all our lives. Not just what we don't have. Unfortunately, as humans, we focus on what we don't have.

For instance, I work in a air department, right...a client calls me today because we booked a flight for him from Denver/San Francisco and he didn't board it because it wasn't a nonstop flight. Although it showed nonstop on our airline system, it really had a stop for refueling (no change of planes) and he didn't want that, so he just didn't show up for his scheduled flight. Therefore, the airline considers him a 'no-show', and once you 'no-show' there's very little I can do and the airline will help you even less. Whatever you paid, down the drain, non refundable fare.

He absolutely had to be there non stop...well if that's the case, why didn't you leave a day earlier...so he called everyone in the office to see what we could do about what he didn't have. Instead of making the best of it, how did this help him...he has nothing.

Before I let myself (because its really a choice whether you're going to start celebrating a pity party) get down to such an extend that I'll bring everyone else down...I remember I'm not living in the middle east, because I can't imagine something so horrid as another country hating you so much they have no conscious as to bomb your family.

Paris

If I may, I might take your story a bit further Paris..... Why didn't he have what he needed? Fear! Often we pass up opportunities because of fear. Is that what you meant?

Someone please kick my virtual rear-end.

If you insist, I'm happy to oblige, but I'm not sure kicking is what you really need right now. :o

I think we would all agree that wallowing in one's sorrows is alway counter productive. Yet trying to bypass the grieving process can be just as detrimental. Maybe right now you just need to feel what you feel, and not try to force yourself past your pain. If you really WANT to spend time with this older gentleman, fine, but don't feel obliged to just because he insists. (If he's not used to taking no for an answer, maybe it's time he learned.)

Part of being good to yourself during a time like this is giving your heart the time and the space to process and adjust to your loss, and not to let anyone tell you (yourself included) how or what you should feel. You don't have to become a recluse, but don't circumvent your own healing process simply because others are uncomfortable with your pain.

We love you and we're here for you. :)

Writing is therapeautic for me and I do alot of it (blog, diary, and for pay). But never fulfilled the big task of writing a novel or even a novellette. Have bits and pieces of 3 laying around from various times in my life .. Just cant bring myself to write fiction.


If I dont bore y'all to tears, I'll continue to catalog the next few days of emotion..
It might help some of these other "unhappy endings" I've been reading about.

Maybe right now you just need to feel what you feel, and not try to force yourself past your pain.

I agree.. I make no excuses for how I feel or how I let myself get tangled up like I did in the first place. I have "friends" who called me foolish to let myself be so easily led. Maybe so but I'd rather feel alive than play dead..


Thanks again for your response. I tried checking the lyrics to your song on my other thread but couldnt get to it..

PS- The date I had canceled- thankfully. I really dont want to see anyone for a while.

I did it last night. I had my pity party- with my cat, music cd's and a cheap .750 ml bottle of shiraz/grenache.

This morning I feel slightly hung over, numb, and a tad resentful. At myself and him. I resent the fact that I let myself fall for him. I resent the fact that he did not feel the same for me. I resent the fact that Ive begun to resent the experience which I told him I would not do. In short, I resent the events that got me to the party last night.

Up until yesterday, I would have these short bursts of sadness. I'd well up with tears, sit down and sob. Then continue with packing up my apartment (Im moving to my house next week) or doing whatever task I was occupied with.

Last night, the sadness was like a constant humming in my head. It didnt stop with the music or the wine or the crying. It just stayed there til I fell into a fitful sleep. I woke up from that sleep (as I have been for months now), wide eyed awake at 2:30AM. My doctor gave me a prescription to Rozerem- some new sleep aid. It doesnt work very well.

As I lay there thinking about why this stupid new pill wasn't doing its job, I also thought about the pity party, the drinking, the YM and my resentfulness. I realized while I lay there (cat resenting me while trying to get comfortable amid my tossing and turning) that I was polluted. Totally and completely polluted. I resolved to "detox" from everything- birth control pills, antidepressants, sleep aid, wine drinking and pity parties. I've taken the professional counseling route before and might do it again. Just to have some disinterested 3rd party to bounce these feeling off of. Or assess why I feel as badly as I do, how to get over it and, more importantly, how to not let my addictive personality get the best of me again.

In retrospect, my YM did affect me much like a drug- quickly and strongly. And now he's like a withdrawal from any substance that was abused or misused. Slow and fading.

Hi Seneca43,

I hate withdrawing from a guy I love too. I tend to do it messily...first theres the big committment to never see him again, followed closely by desperate hope that he'll call, then followed by some sort of attempt to rekindle things if he DOES call, even when I know its hopeless.

In truth, I normally take anywhere between 3 months and 2 years to split from a guy:)) Isn't that terrible?

...first theres the big committment to never see him again, followed closely by desperate hope that he'll call, then followed by some sort of attempt to rekindle things if he DOES call, even when I know its hopeless.

Wow. I never thought about the "if he DOES call" part! We did say we'd stay friends. As badly as I feel now, I dont know if that was a smart decision. I understand about messy-nes. 3 months to 2 years? I hope not.

Seneca: You have a real way with words....I never noticed that in your other posts! Ever considered being a writer? Your ability to laugh at yourself, yet still convey the overall hurt you're feeling is a talent.

I have an addictive personality as well, and can identify with alot of what you said. The only "pollution" in my body is the alcohol and cigarettes, but I feel the same way you do when I have too much of either. They make me feel tired, and OLD.

I am largely controlled by my emotions, and leaving a relationship is about the hardest thing in the world for me to do. I definitely go through "boyfriend withdrawals" and it is not uncommon for me to find another one pretty damn quick....which is my way of avoiding ever having to endure pain for too long.

I am on the edge of splitting up with my YM right now as well. Although we want to marry and I love him with all my heart, I having a hard time maintaining any kind of respect for him because of his nice guy/ mean guy personality. Communication issues that I'm not sure can ever be worked out....I'm sure you've been there before. Of course, this potential break up means sleepness nights, and my total lack of interest in just about anything going on around me right now...I'm spending alot of time at home, alone with my cats, my computer and my cell phone.

Sorry you are feeling this way.....I'm right there with ya!

I understand about messy-nes. 3 months to 2 years? I hope not.

LOL! I'm only that bad if its been a really long term relationship:) The 2 years was when neither of wanted to break up but knew we had to:)

I have an addictive personality as well, and can identify with alot of what you said. The only "pollution" in my body is the alcohol and cigarettes, but I feel the same way you do when I have too much of either. They make me feel tired, and OLD.


Even if you were not expecting a child I would tell you to give the cigarettes up!I was a smoker for decades and quit with the help of the Nicorette lozenges. They were less disgusting than the gum (although gum helped me give it up before I got pregnant in 1991). I think Ray Charles said it best when he said that giving up cigarettes was a tougher battle than kicking his smack addiction.

Now they have laser therapy treatments that supposedly help you quit in 20 -30 minutes. Here's a link for you although if you're expecting I dont know if its an option:

http://www.breathetoday.com/?gclid=CPjq3dyv9oYCFQgHHgod2xJ5Zg


PS- Ive kept up with your pregnancy thread- Right now, the only person you need to concentrate on is you and the baby. You two are one. What you do to yourself affects the child. If you are stressed and upset, your child will come out "jumpy"or worse, colicky. Every aspect of your mood will affect how well you feel in your pregnancy.

There is enough stress in life without adding relationship drama to it. You YM should not be playing Dr Jekyll /Mr Hyde at this point. He needs to move on, move out.

Even if you were not expecting a child I would tell you to give the cigarettes up!I was a smoker for decades and quit with the help of the Nicorette lozenges. They were less disgusting than the gum (although gum helped me give it up before I got pregnant in 1991). I think Ray Charles said it best when he said that giving up cigarettes was a tougher battle than kicking his smack addiction.



Luckily for me, quitting smoking is not all that hard....I've done it before (didn't smoke for over 4 years) but started up again after my divorce because my social time was spent in bars with friends! As long as I stay out of the bar scene, I'll be fine - I don't have nicotine cravings...its just a habit that I seriously enjoy!:D

Here I lie in my hospital bed
Tell me, Sister Morphine, when are you coming round again?
Oh, I don't think I can wait that long
Oh, you see that I'm not that strong

The scream of the ambulance is sounding in my ears
Tell me, Sister Morphine, how long have I been lying here?
What am I doing in this place?
Why does the doctor have no face?
Oh, I can't crawl across the floor
Ah, can't you see, Sister Morphine, I'm trying to score

Well it just goes to show
Things are not what they seem
Please, Sister Morphine, turn my nightmares into dreams
Oh, can't you see I'm fading fast?
And that this shot will be my last

Sweet Cousin Cocaine, lay your cool cool hand on my head
Ah, come on, Sister Morphine, you better make up my bed
'Cause you know and I know in the morning I'll be dead
Yeah, and you can sit around, yeah and you can watch all the
Clean white sheets stained red.

Some insight...

Next pity party I recommend Jack Daniel's. Works a whole lot better and definitely worth the extra money.

Hope this is helpful...

but did u HAVE TO post that pic of a harley Softail? HE has one!!!

but did u HAVE TO post that pic of a harley Softail? HE has one!!!

Allow me to introduce myself ;)

HONK HONK!! Old No.7!! Quite possibly the closest thing to liquid heroin as you can get!! A fine mind eraser!! :cool:

You said it DB..... Git 'ER done!

ya know, losing a relationship is alot like a loved one dying. you've LOST someone you cherished (ideally) and even the ol' "let's stay friends" more often than not, although curiously, MOST of my ex's are friends still, and kat and jody can tell ya, i have alot of ex's :D, doesn't always work out either!

The steps of grief:

DENIAL --- What's the first thing you do? You try to start "it"again! And again.

ANGER --- " %$@^##& man/woman!", "I should have broken up with you long ago."

BARGAINING --- "Oh please, just one more time I promise I'll do this and do that and keep you perfectly happy."

DEPRESSION --- "Oh God, what am I going to do?. I give up. I don't really care any more. What's the use."

ACCEPTANCE --- "Ok. It's dead. Time to move on, i have other things to do."


amazing that where i got these from, while looking for the list (i first discovered the steps while going thru the academy 10 years ago, it stuck with me) the reference the author used wasn't a break-up, or a death.............it was her car not starting.
funny how it STILL applies. i just changed and/or omitted some words to make it not about a car.

and these steps don't always come in this order, but often they do. some go thru it pretty quickly. some take more time. both ways are fine, as long as you don't get hung up on one step. always keep moving forward.

my best to you, sincerely, my best.

Tracy

the reference the author used wasn't a break-up, or a death.............it was her car not starting. funny how it STILL applies. i just changed and/or omitted some words to make it not about a car

I can see the similarities! Or it could be a motorcycle (thanks again there JD/TrueHeart for the memory)...

Sitting at work with burning desire to go thru step# 3 and Bargain
"Hi. Its me. I'll have a baby if this will keep you with me"...

Tell me I have NO self respect left. Go ahead..:(

PS HONK HONK!! Old No.7!! Quite possibly the closest thing to liquid heroin as you can get!! A fine mind eraser

Hard liquor (like whiskey) just makes me vomit so it defeats the purpose.
Heroin? Err..sorry. Not suicidal enough, yet.

....since the last time I kissed him and was physically close to him. I went to sleep teary last night. And I woke up the same way this morning, only wanting to smell and touch his skin. I thought about emailing him a simple note: "I miss u".

I had a real urge to call him all day yesterday. To tell him I didn't care what the outcome between us would be or that he felt less intense about me as long as I didn't lose my contact with him. But what would I be doing? This is why I broke it off, no? It's a no win situation. I must be suffering temporary insanity.

Im glad I didnt call him yesterday. I think I bowed out of this gracefully enough. He knows where to find me if he changes his mind. This weekend will be very tough, even with a replacement YM lined up for Saturday.

Temporary insanity? Maybe......but they have a cure for that.....time. ;) hang in there; you are doing good.

but Im less than perfect.. I shot him an email with a funny attachment... Not so much to send him a laugh but to tell him the torrential rain today made me think about him. Alot..

Im such a fool.

Stop, Seneca.....
No more emails, calls, etc. You've got to make sure to you keep your "bowing out" graceful. It's tough, but it will grow a sense of deep personal integrity with time.

Well worth it, believe me.

Hold on, wait, talk yourself out of it when you next feel the urge to contact...it will get easier each day.

Special K

Yes, I know I should not have sent him the "hi" email. It just sparked a load of back and forth, alot of recycled emotions. He stated he's not been able to stop "worrying" about me.

He also told me he has me in his "thoughts and prayers". This reminded me of another one of our differences he had issues with- he's a staunch practicing Catholic. Im lapsed. I replied in my classic neo-heathen style "Id rather you have me in your bed and arms"!

I hope I hear from him first sometime in the future. Then I'll know I may have gotten through. Til then, this is it...

This forum has been a good " therapy" and I've enjoyed and valued all your input.
Today is day five and the official "end" of the break-up barometer. There's no need in painting the same picture day in and day out.

Despite "falling off the wagon" and sending the YM a few emails yesterday, I dont think this emptyness will pass soon enough. I wake up thinking about him. I go to bed doing the same. Time needs to hurry up and do its thing. Im hoping that physically moving households next week will help tremendously.

This entire incident with YM has bought alot of things to a head for me. Its made me re-evaluate what is/is not important. Its made me question myself in ways I never have or thought I would. I realize that my situation doesnt help my feelings (I work far away from my family on the east coast and have been in La. for over a year-depressing in and of itself).

I believe this circumstance has made me more vulnerable than I would have ever thought possible despite having lived and worked in many different places-including 5 months in Europe.

Im off for some real therapy today. Its time to talk to someone in the flesh. Its been fun & helpful y'all!

Wish you the best in your relationships -present and future.

Take care

Seneca, you posted your first thread "How to Proceed?" on 8/16. Do you realize you have been pining his loss longer than the relationship acually lasted? I realize that makes this no less a loss for you.....for your "sense" of loss I feel badly. I think this is a good topic for therapy today. What is going on that you perceived this as more than it really was? I reallly do mean this in all kindness.

There are a lot of threads lately about breakups; each has a little different flavor but there are also some commonalities. All hurt! Most have been initiated by the YM. (Not this one, I know.) All struggle with how one gracefully lets go. Ladies, read what each other writes. Some really good points have emerged:

1) If he says he doesn't feel as strongly about you or doesn't love you, he means it!

2) If you continue, despite such a warning to bombard him with text messages, e-mails and phone calls, you will become perceived as a threat.

3) If you continue to bombard him with text messages, e-mails and phone calls, you will be presumed "NUTZ!"

4) If you are perceived as "Nutz" everything else he says to you from there on out, is going to eat away at that precious little morsal of self-esteem that you have left.

5) You need to love yourself more!

Sorry Seneca, this wasn't aimed at you in particular. In fact, I applaud the fact that you recognized early on that this relationship was a "no go." But now that you have made that decision, you have to walk the walk. A few years ago, my now 24 year old son shared with me a "rule" he had come up with about breakups. He was sick of hearing various friends pine away about lost loves. Some of these were roomates, so I'm sure it began to get tedious. He says for each year that you have been involved in the relationship, you are allowed 2 months of pining. So if a friend has broken up with a girlfriend of a year long relationship, he will listen and support for 2 months. If the couple was together 3 years, his friend gets his ear for 6 months. After that, his sympathy bank is depleted, and he tells his friend he is no longer listening....its all been said anyway. Amazingly, he has never lost a friend with this approach and they still come to him with their personal stuff. Just thought that would be interesting to throw onto the table! Take care!

Let him go. He's full of doubt & insecure. He got some growin' up to do. Good luck in your future endeavors!

seneca, sounds like you don't believe you should stick around here...........quite the contrary. one isn't required to BE in a relationship to participate here.
stick around, have some fun, give some insight.....whenever you feel like doing so.

some great folks here and wonderful opportunities to help others.

i wish you godspeed in your healing but i think you're going to be A-ok. :)

You'll be back.

Oh, by all means, please DO stick around! :D

Do you realize you have been pining his loss longer than the relationship acually lasted? I realize that makes this no less a loss for you.....for your "sense" of loss I feel badly. I think this is a good topic for therapy today. What is going on that you perceived this as more than it really was? I reallly do mean this in all kindness.

I met this YM last November. We chatted emailed infrequently until we started seeing each other regularly this past May. (I know my early post read June- hormones are hellish but it was around my birthday which is May).We've actually been with each other (last Friday was last time I saw him and I kinda knew this had to stop) for 3 months..:confused:

I dont prescribe to any timeframe in relationships for developing feelings. Rightly or wrongly, they develop and in many cases cant be "controlled". Same goes for getting over people.

My apologies Seneca. You did give that timeline in your original post. I had forgotten that you had actually met and began a relationship in June. I was remembering, incorrectly, that the relationship hadn't really taken off yet with that first post.

So just for fun, if you count the beginning of the relationship as November (because there are those of us who believe that online stuff has a measure of reality to it), this relationship lasted 10 months. Using the ratio of 2 months pining for each year, you get 1.5 months of pining! Pine away! Lol. If you count June as the beginning of the relationship, 3 months total, you get a half a month of pining and you have another week at least to go! ;) ;) And besides, you pine so nicely!

But all those generalizations still reflect my feelings about those one sided breakups!:(

I agree with you Seneca: it's not how long you have been with the person that determines your grieving time; it's how deeply you loved as well as how the break-up happened. Sorry ladies, but I don't see how you can say "ok you've been with him a year, so 2 months to grieve"?? People grieve in their own way and love in their own way. Seneca, take the time you need and do what you know to recover, just don't contact him!!!

Count me as one of those that believes online counts as REAL relationship time. In fact, I think it is often so intense that *more* feelings can be packed into a shorter period of time!

I have a good friend that gives that same relationship timeline to herself lol! This is the amount of time she gives herself to feel crummy... then she kicks herself in the rear and moves. She's now happily engaged to be married in October. :)

Seneca, I've merged all your threads into one thread for you.