A "Hello" and question

Hi, I'm new and I can't tell you how much I wish I'd known about this board before.

A little background on me before I get to my question.

I am 49 years old and recently went through a breakup with my 24 year old YM. We had lived together for 5 years. The breakup initially was bad because I found out he was cheating on me with a 21 year old girl he had insisted was 'just a friend'. I felt like my life was shattered at first. I'd given up everything to move to the area where he was for us to build a life together. I'd left my grown son, my job, my friends, and started over. It had been much more difficult than I initially thought and when our relationship crashed, I was really scared because even after 5 years I didn't have much of a support network. Or that's what I thought at first.

I found out that I had a lot more friends than I knew. Many of them on-line. My ex and I are working hard on being friends. He's still living with me, partially because I may soon be faced with surgery and I need someone there if I have to have it. He could easily live with family if he needed to do so, but he wants to stay with me to help me through things if I need the surgery.

The initial breakup was very hard on me. But after I had time to think about it, I realized that the age gap was too much for him. He never had much of a chance to experience life. That's what he wants to do now and is doing with this new girl. We also had virtually nothing in common except what initially brought us together (on-line gaming) which he eventually stopped doing anyway. That left us with nothing but our love for each other and that was not enough.

I'd been unhappy for quite awhile. I did a lot of things wrong in that relationship, things I would do differently now. He didn't work (Although not extravagant I have a comfortable income). He wasn't responsible for anything. I was the power in the relationship and I think he needed to feel that he was stronger than someone. Even though his family lived in the same city as we do I've never met them. I know I drove him crazy with my constant doubts and eventually I guess they were a self fulfilling prophecy. I believed he'd leave me for someone younger and he did. Partially, I know now, because I contributed to it with my fears and partially because she has the things in common we never did.

We also had the added card of different ethnic backgrounds. He is first generation American born Chinese, I'm originally from the rural midwest. I never told him much about my past. In retrospect he didnt' know a lot of the 'core' of me, because I never shared it with him. Partially out of fear, partially because he never asked.

At first I blamed the age gap (and yes I do believe it played a huge part, but it wasn't everything). Eventually I realized that my hurt and sadness was mourning for the companionship I'd believed we had and a sort of wistful longing for the love I'd believed was there. I finally realized that the relationship wouldn't have lasted anyway. We just didn't have enough in common.

Which brings me to my present situation and question...

I've been friends for two years with a wonderful guy. We had a love for each other that we never let be more than that of good friends because I was attached. He knows me better than pretty much anyone and when my relationship broke up he was there for me. He came to visit me (he lives across the country from me) because he said I needed him. I did, he was instrumental in my healing process. Being with him was such a stark contrast to my relationship with my ex. We laughed and went out. We had a great time. We talked and yes eventually made love.

He helped me see how much was missing in my relationship with my ex. Things I need and want.

Now, here's the part that scares me. He's only one year older than my ex. He's 25. He wants a relationship with me and has taken great pains to tell me how he's different from my ex (he was never sheltered, he has a job and is very responsible, he is very sure of himself, etc.). He's the one who pointed me to this site.

At first, after the breakup, I swore no more younger men. But I really want to be with this guy. How do I make sure I don't let my doubts and fears ruin this relationship? I know he's a different man, but the age gap is still there.

Hello and welcome to ageless! This is a great place for support and reassurance. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and perhaps you are meant to be with this new man? Maybe that is why you are no longer with this other YM. Please don't say you won't open your heart to love another YM just because one broke your heart. That is like saying you won't love an asian man, because he was chinese! Young men are individuals just like we are and each one deserves to be considered on his own merits. Look at his character and where he is in his life. Compare what he wants and values compared to yours and then see if you are compatible. Yes, when let your fears intrude into your relationship, it can lead to failure, so don't make that mistake again! Your first young man was chinese. I have experience with their culture and that in inself made your relationship with him a challenge, esp. him being first generation american! Most older chinese families resist inter-racial relationships and add in the age gap and it is double trouble for them! Most young chinese men do conform to their family's wishes in the end. Understand that your relationship fell apart because of incompatibility, fear on your part, his cultural taboos and the parent/child role you let develop. This last one is a biggie: if we take on the mother role in any form ie. financial help, giving advice, even talking to him like a "young man" versus "a man", he will lose sexual interest and the relationship fails. I mean do you think he wants to be in love and have hot sex with his mother???? Yikes! When I had my first relationship with a young man - he was still a teen - I always thought of him as "little boy" and then I realized that if I continued to think of him this way, he would start to sense it, so I stopped and began thinking of him as "my man". I treat my VYM now - he's 19 - with all the respect and admiration for the man that he is and I constantly remind myself that he's always a man who just happens to be in a young body! Yes, sometimes I must bite my tongue to avoid commenting on something he says that I find juvenile, but wouldn't you do that with a 40 y/o man also? So, please give this new man a chance to show you who he is and who knows - he may turn out to be the love of your life! You never know what you may miss if you keep the door closed.

No two people are the same. I think that you should not have any missgivings about the relationship with the new YM. He seems to be a good friend and responsible person.

Good luck and best wishes, and come here often for fun and advice.

At first I blamed the age gap (and yes I do believe it played a huge part, but it wasn't everything). Eventually I realized that my hurt and sadness was mourning for the companionship I'd believed we had and a sort of wistful longing for the love I'd believed was there. I finally realized that the relationship wouldn't have lasted anyway. We just didn't have enough in common.

Welcome to Ageless! I am quoting part of your post, because I think you already answered this question about the age gap. Just another quick thought and that is your previous young man was a teenager when you began your relationship. My YM (also met him playing an online game) was 26 when we met, 28 now. Huge difference between 28 and 18! OMG as a parent I much prefer the 24 year old son I have now to my son at 18! There are lots of threads here about the VYM, but for you that's water under the bridge.

I appreciate your post a lot, because I am slowly moving toward making a huge geographic move to be with my YM. Good to know that if this doesn't work, people do get through it! I think your previous experience, while a profound personal loss, will add some wisdom to this site! Again, welcome!! :)

I really appreciate the replies. There is a lot of wisdom in what you are saying and I hope to take it to heart.

He really is wonderful and I hate to think I might pass something special up due to my own fears.