Dealing with family

Unlike the previous relationship I was in, this YM has started to tell his family about me. His brother has known we were friends for some time, and when my current YM started to have feelings for me, he talked to his brother who was fairly opposed. His brother is a good guy and they have a close relationship and I certainly don't want to cause any problems between them.

His brother and sister-in-law have raised a lot of objections since he told them. Basically they both feel it's wrong and unnatural. I have started an email conversation with his brother in hopes that as he gets to know me better, he will lessen his opposition. I let him know I wasn't seeking his approval, only his understanding.

Are there any ways to deal with these kinds of issues?

The main objections raised have been that "he will eventually leave you for someone his own age" and "you will be stealing his youth".

Although my YM has not yet told his mother, he plans to and says she will be even more violently opposed. She's 5 years older than I am.

I can understand wanting the best for someone you love and I certainly understand why they feel I'm not the best. Are there any good tips for dealing with relatives?

tell them how much you care for their son/brother..unfortunately some people are set in their ways and will always be opposed. That doesnt necessarily mean that they will fight you on the subject til the day they die though..i think that time will help you with this..usually people are uptight about what they don't understand, but with time (when they see how happy the two of you are together) they will slowly accept it. After all, most people just want their loved ones to be happy, hopefully they want happieness for their son/brother, and when they see that you provide this for him, i bet they will accept you.

i'm involved with an older man, we had the same situation with my family..3 years later we're insanely happy and my family approves. (he's only 10 years younger than mom, and same age as uncle)

You don't say how long you've been with this man so I'm not sure if this advice applies but I say give it time. It has taken a year for my future father in law to start accepting me. I was accepted by the rest of the family straight away as they could see how great my YM and I are together and how good I was for him. This only started to happen after my future sister in law had a word with him about us... saying that if you look at us you tell how genuine our love is for each other and that seemed to do the trick.

I do not have any good tips except to wait for them to see what a treasure you are, as I have not met my ym's parents yet. I am, however, looking at this thread closely as I just asked my ym today if he told his parents anything about me. He said that he had, but also that he loved me very much and that as far as he was concerned, this was the last time he would ever be in love. They knew that something had been going on with him and a woman from the net, but did not quite know what. He also told them that I was an American and older than he is, but not how much older (and I am older than him mom. :o). But I think the fact that I am an American threw them more off than that I was older! They told him that they could tell that I cared for him by what he told them, that he was old enough to make his own decisions and that they would stay out of it. I was like :eek: and :D ! Of course when we meet face to face in January, I am sure he will be questioned closer about my age. But I am hoping to get some "brownie points" for I am having a student sketch Nikola's face from a picture that I will frame nicely and give it to his mom as a present (and keep a copy for me, too of course!). But we will see!

Regards....

although family is incredibly important it really is up to the couple if they can stand up under the scrutiny, i wanted to run when adams father got vulgar and ugly in his reference of me, he called me adam's grandmother..... his father is around 13 years older than me and a mess, emotionally and physically. never did any active work in his life, his son is a complete opposite.

i really let adam handle his family, now they wouldnt dare say a word because they know he had his fill and would sooner break the relationship with them than loose what we have.

unfortunately sometimes very strong lines need to be drawn but they need to be drawn by your young man.

my husband let me deal with my daughter and relatives and he dealt with his. we both had the same objective (to be together) i was able to be more respectful with my family and put my foot down and wait for them to come around.

i went out of my way to avoid drama, i did not seek it out and eventually things died down.

unfortunately sometimes very strong lines need to be drawn but they need to be drawn by your young man.


Just wanted to emphisize that. If he can't stand up and be a man for the woman he loves, then the relationship has no future, IMO.

He has gotten a lot of pressure from his brother and sister-in-law and he has been clear on where he stands, so I feel good about that.

I just know it's hard and I would like to do what I can to make things easier.

This has come rather timely... as it was just last nite my guy and I were talking about whether our families will be able to handle our relationship... but we didn't get to really discuss it in detail as it was already 5.30am this morning meaning just 2 hours of sleep before I had to get ready for work. (The 7 hour time difference for us being in different countries is such a royal pain).

I'm in my early 40s while my guy's still in his sweet 25. So far we've not yet met, just talked for hours on end on IM and on the phone (skype has saved us a bundle in IDD calls) and we're due to meet up in Feb. Naturally the matter of whether I'd meet his mom during this first visit has come up. He thinks it's too early for me to be meeting the family. I agree on that, given that it'll be our first time meeting and who knows how we'll be around each other despite how rosy everything has been going these past 5 months but online and not IRL yet.

And while I've not mentioned about him in detail to my family, the subject of OWYM had come up in a family conversation one afternoon. Although I am from a rather traditional Asian Chinese family, I had thought my parents and siblings would be more acceptable about OWYM unions given that my immediate uncle is 10 years younger than my aunt. But I suppose 10 years and 17 years in age differences and especially when it's an older woman and younger man situation, it makes a world of difference...or does it...? sighhh.... There was such strong objections in that casual family conversation that I've begun to have 2nd thoughts if they'd ever accept my guy when he does come around to visit me in my country.

I told him about how that family conversation went and (in a typical youthful manner, ie cross that bridge when we come to it) he replied that he probably doesn't need to ever meet my family. He says it's still way too soon to be talking about meeting each other's family. He is right in a way but I feel that if what he and I have isn't just a fling or a passing fancy, we should at least talk about how our families will be around each of us. It bugged me a little that he seems to be taking it all and approaching our relationship, especially just a smite too lightly. His mom was 35 and his Dad 60 when they got married, so perhaps he doesn't think that anyone else will view age-gap relationships any different. (His Mom is Asian also but of a different nationality from I).

I am looking at the potential of our relationship being that of long term, while he seems to be still treating it as "just take it a day at a time". He has never wanted to discuss it when I mention meeting his mom (one day eventually) and although he keeps saying that he does think about us in future tense, he doesn't give the picture that he actually does, while I'm already considering how our families, especially mine, will react to our relationship.

I'm not wanting any drama on this - just girl meets boy, girl likes boy enough to consider bringing boy home to meet family. But maybe I should just take his cue and cross that bridge only when we come to it? And that is to only review my family aspect when/if he comes over to visit me. However, this approach, to me would also equate to the relationship being not all that serious at the moment, to be ever looking at the coming future of our relationship, at this time.

Thoughts about this, anyone?:confused:

TIA

Lotus :)

I'd say you are jumping ahead of yourself. Wait to see if there is any chemistry between you face to face when you meet before you worry about all the what ifs.

Only one of you may feel chemistry towards the other, you both may (hopefully) or neither of you may be attracted. People can be very different in person to what they are perceived to be via phone and internet.

If you meet and all is well then worry about the whole family thing.

I guess you're right Satya...
As I re-read my post, i think i was too hasty in writing it especially since the conversation between my guy and I was still too fresh in my head.

Thanks for bringing me down to earth :)

Hi Lotus,

I don't think you are being too hasty actually. These things can be a shock for our families. I met my ym online too and we were also international (okay yea US and Canada, but still :p). We talked a lot about our families during the time we were waiting for our first in real life meeting. I have four kids and I worried about what they would think. I also worried about ex-husbands and my parents... and his parents. I worried more about them then he did.

I set about purposefully to pave the way with my family... setting up for success so to speak. I geared conversations towards age gap relationships and gave my positive opinions on them (hoping that I would be able to influence them with my thoughts...), especially older woman and younger men. I started generally and then I'd move from older men and younger women towards the other. I spoke generically and casually. You would be surprised how many times this can come naturally (*cough*) in conversation... talks about movie stars... talks about politicians... talks about people we all know... (afterall nearly everyone knows someone in an age gapped relationship).

Eventually it did become time to meet and I'm happy to say that they were very accepting and supportive.

I've been having an email dialog with his brother and I hope that ultimately that helps. At least he's getting to know me better.

I was actually suprised that the family issues weren't in the Stick of Frequently Asked Questions. I imagine that it's a pretty common issue.

I'm completely "out" with my family about everything. Since the last year or so I've been a Domme, with slave candidates coming and going, I'm imagining my poor, long-suffering mother would breathe a sigh of relief if I came home with ANY vanilla man, no matter what his age, LOL! poor mom ;)

A bit of an update on this.

He told his mother and at first she told him she was okay with it, but then after two days she sent him this email about how she was seriously worried that he needed help because of this.

I understand and sympathize with all the people who worry about him, but I'm getting a little tired of being treated as if I'm one step away from pedophilia. He's 25 for crying out loud.

I know this is like preaching to the choir but god... First, maybe I'm wrong but I am sure that although they would have issues if I were male and he were female, the reaction wouldn't be quite so filled with revulsion. His family uses phrases like 'unnatural' and 'just plain wrong'. It's repeatedly emphasized that I'm old enough to be his mother.

Although I don't think it's wrong for a woman to seek an OW/YM relationship, for a variety of reasons I think it's better if the young man does the persuing (mostly so he's really sure this is what he wants). I didn't seek him out. I didn't try to take him from his family. If anything they are going to be the ones to drive a wedge between them and him with this kind of behavior.

No one likes to have people telling them they are crazy over something that really should be a non-issue.

I do believe that AGR have special challenges that can't be ignored. I do think that they require people who are willing to work just a bit harder than in a same age relationship, but he and I have gone over every possible reason and looked at it from every angle.

I know there is no cure for this but time, but I feel like in 10 years his family will still be waiting for it to fail.

Sorry about the venting... it just really hit me wrong this morning.

His family uses phrases like 'unnatural' and 'just plain wrong'. It's repeatedly emphasized that I'm old enough to be his mother.


:mad:

I hate when I hear about stuff like this.

If you ARE old enough to be his mother then that is just a 'fact' of numbers... not a reason why you shouldn't be together. People say these things when it just 'doesn't seem right' to them, and they can't actually think of a good reason for it to be wrong. They just throw whatever BS they can think of into it and expect it to be reason enough.

I've said this before, but if someone said something like this to me then I would be stubborn and pissed off enough to take them up on it and challenge them for reasons 'why'. My bet is they wouldn't be able to come up with anything.

Sorry Cinnamon, I know first hand that family's expressed negative opinions can be hard. My first ym basically broke off the relationship after years together when his family's pressure escalated and became ever-present and mean spirited in the end. I was called a "manipulator", he was warned to run fast a far away with the whining interjections, "You want to give up being a father to be with HER?!?", etc.
(he didn't care about having biological children...but his parents' "church" was clear about the sinfulness of choosing to be childless:confused: ).
I was heart broken after that breakup, and tried to date only older/same age men for a year afterward believing that parents of any ym would NEVER accept me in their son's life .

Well, I couldn't find myself attracted to older men at all, and began accepting dates from younger men again, but remained terrified of family scorn should one develop into a relationship.

When J pursued me hard, and i found myself giving in:o , I was upfront about my fears of his family rejecting me. I realize just now (takes me a while!) what the difference was between my first ym and J (and their family's resulting response). From that first day J told me that he has always been independent and made his own decisions for his life as a young adult (moved out of the country, schooling, job changes, relationships), and his family KNEW that when he made up his mind about something important to him, that was that. "I don't give a rat's a-- what anyone thinks about us."

My exym was the opposite....he was very young, not totally independent or autonomous yet, and put a ton of weight into what his family would think. I seriously think that if HE had had J's attitude and strength of personal character about his own choices, things may have been different. We probably still would have broken up (but not because of familial pressure), and his parents/brothers/family wouldn't have had the opportunity to attack us so much. Why? Because they would have known it would have no impact on his decision.

Thus, I'm inclined to say that when it comes to the ym's family's acceptance (or at least tolerance) of an age gap relationship, it's probably 99% about the guy and how he "presents".

J went right to his parents after our first date, told them my age straight up (he was 25, I was 47) and then proceeded to proclaim all of my amazing qualities;) ). When he finally stopped to take a breath, they all just basically said they were happy for him (what else could they say? He had "trained" them to accept his decisions as good for him with his assurance and lack of vascilation in other issues). Because of that (and, okay, they are probably a bit less judgmental than my exym's family) I have been accepted into the family from day one. His mom (WHO IS YOUNGER THAN I AM BY A YEAR !!), has told me in cards that she is so glad I'm in their son's life and that they love me.

Bottom line....the ym in these relationships needs to continue to be consistent in his assurance of the relationship to everyone that matters, and not let other's scorn affect their resolve. So many relationships have broken up here at ageless directly because family has, for religious/judgmental/or personal reasons attacked the coupling (off the top of my head: Maria, Dolphin, me and tons of others). A ym that doesn't stand up (and the best time for that is pre-emptively) with maturity as "his own man" against family opposition will doom the relationship. Sadly, in those cases, the relationship eventually ends....family is too hard to battle alone, if you don't have the 100% resolve of your partner.

Cinnamon...continue to encourage your guy to stand up for your relationship...hopefully, with time, the family will back off when they notice he has made his decision, and it is good for him.

I wish you two the best.
Karen

After reading K's post, I almost forgot the thread was about Cinnamon :P
I very much agree. Showing uncertainty and weakness, allows for idle thinking, while an upfront and strong approach shows resolve and often squashes small fears and doubts about the person. There's a lot of different reasons, one your ym looks good in front of his parents for having resolve, and there's a mild threat to break relationship with them if they try to forcefully break it.

I appreciate the feedback and SpecialK thanks very much for that story. My guy is very clear with his family on what he wants. He's told them that thier approval is desired but not necessary.

I just hate the conflict for him. And to be honest, it's hard for me too knowing that they are not willing to give me a chance. But I think as long as I am patient, things will eventually get better.

Excellent post Special and I couldn't agree more.

A partner (either one) that is unable to be out of the closet with their friends and family or who is doing constant battle with their friends and family for support/acceptance is a definate *red flag* partner.

This can happen in non-age gap couples too. I recall a friend of mine whos mother in law hated her with a passion. It was a constant tug of war with this woman. The problem was really her husband though and not her mother in law. Her husband did not seem able to stand with his wife and insist on her acceptance and (key here) respect. He only partially, placatingly did so... the result... lots of years of heartbreaking battlegrounds... eventually ending in divorce. My friend just grew to despise her husband along with her mother in law!

I am sure age does have something to do with character development, but it can happen or not regardless of age. My girlfriend's husband was in his late 20s when they married and in his mid 30s when they divorced. My husband was 19 when we married and he marched in to tell his folks about us before I told my family (at age 18). He made it clear that this was his choice. His parents had years of trusting his decisions. I'm sure this wasn't their dream for their son, but they do believe strongly in their children owning their own lives. They have been accepting and supportive... and absolutely incredible step-grandparents!

I agree with K that a lot of it is down to the man and the way he is with his family. My OH - although he's not yet 19 - has been brought up in a family which encouraged independent thinking and is treated as an adult - which, of course, he is. However, many guys of that age are still being mollycoddled by their families and are not only treated as youngsters still but actually act up to this, and enjoy being "mothered" at home.

This does also tend to lead to the person setting too much store by the opinions of their family members - everyone should have the right to live their life the way THEY want to and nobody should be scared of other people's reactions and opinions. But many young men (and women?) at home don't want to rock the boat and tend to cave in to their families viewpoints too soon.

Andrew was always upfront with his family and friends and I do think honesty - with each other and with family and friends - is essential in any relationship. My parents and my friends have also been accepting (although some of them have had a bit of a joke about it, which I simply ignore). His family have been very accepting - I've yet to meet them (his dad's coming to stay on Thursday for a couple of days :eek: ) - but his mother has written me a lovely letter saying that Andrew obviously loves me very much and that she is very happy that I can make him so happy and she hopes it works out for us.

It does make life so much easier knowing that his family are happy for us but I know if they had reacted differently that Andrew would still be with me now - yes, the conflict would have been hard, and he wouldn't have wanted to upset his parents, but ultimately he knows that his life is his to lead as he sees fit and it's me that he wants to be with.

I wish you luck and I hope that everything works out for you, and maybe if family and friends can in time understand how happy you are together and realise that that's really all that matters, it will all get easier.

This can happen in non-age gap couples too. I recall a friend of mine whos mother in law hated her with a passion. It was a constant tug of war with this woman. The problem was really her husband though and not her mother in law. Her husband did not seem able to stand with his wife and insist on her acceptance and (key here) respect. He only partially, placatingly did so... the result... lots of years of heartbreaking battlegrounds... eventually ending in divorce. My friend just grew to despise her husband along with her mother in law!

My story exactly. Just one of the many facets of that doomed relationship. My current BF, 23 years my junior,and I have at this point decided to hold back on telling either sets of parents about us. He is breaking the news that he is moving out of the apartment he rents from his mom, and initially he was going to tell her why. (He's going to rent an apartment with me.) Now he's backed down again, because he is again worried that this will cause us more grief than we need at a time that is critical to us.

Two months ago I would have been reeling to hear that he wasn't going to say anything, but while this is happening, he is also telling more friends! In fact, next time I visit him, we are going out to dinner with a small group of his friends. As this happens, it alleviates a lot of my fears about how he might feels about the age gap and confirms for me that he probably DOES know whats best as far as his mother is concerned. I would rather not go through what I did with my former mother in law and unfortunately (or fortunately depending on one's point of view) my BF will stand up for me to the point of a huge family fall out! He's just not ready to face that possibility yet. His stance is we get this relationship cemented, then we tell. Sort of like prepping for a hurricane!

(my boyfriend is) ...just not ready to face that possibility yet. His stance is we get this relationship cemented, then we tell. Sort of like prepping for a hurricane!

Rozie, this was my exym's and my mutual decision as well...and like you, we kept things secret at first for a ton of reasons wanting to wait for a more solid sense of direction in it all. He was never embarrassed of me, and we did tell/socialize with a few close friends, so we weren't in the closet, so to speak. It was just the "hurricane" we knew would befall us when his parents found out.

Sadly, we both had just come to that place of feeling like it was a good time for him to tell them, when they called him and said they'd heard a rumor and he needed to get to their house to explain that night. That put him on the defense (in hindsight, being pre-emptive is ALWAYS best)...he didn't do well at that "meeting" with them apparently...and from that day until he walked out 5 months later, it was pretty much a "circling of the wagons" type vendetta that his family launched to get us apart.

It worked. If he had had the fortitude to stand up, it would have been different. But, as he admitted later, he was a "coward" (his word). Heck, I forgive him...he had the 8 members of his family (all older siblings and parents) PLUS his family's church badgering him 24-7. I don't blame him now, really...but it hurt that he couldn't stand up for us back then.

He wanted to just run out and get married to shut them all up, but I knew that would just be a disaster, and a decision made under the wrong circumstances. "I want to be done with all this crap and just be with you the rest of my life," he said that night after the parent talk. But, propogandizing and unending pressure from family DOES take it's toll.

Sounds like your guy is a good one...take the time you need, but when the time is right...jump on it, Rozie...

Wow. That was incredible timing special K. I just got off the phone with him and we talked about this again. He is telling his mom tomorrow that he is moving out, and it just hit him that because I will arrive for a 3 week stay about a week after he makes the move, that will coincide with about the time his sisters and mom are going to want to see the new apartment. He is trying to figure out how to handle this. My suggestion was he just tell them. They will either approve or disapprove and I am emotionally prepared for the idea that I will never be a part of his family in the true sense of the word. So just get it over with! He still thinks that if he finesses this there is a chance for inclusion. I guess for the time being all I can really do is go with the flow. I'm trying to stay light hearted about this, but I bet you my next paycheck he doesn't tell her tomorrow as planned. On the other hand I dithered about needing to meet his friends and convinced myself this would never happen. I was wrong and that piece is going well!

Cinnamon,

Are you sure his family are objecting because of the age difference... it could be because you haven't met yet and are talking so seriously. If I had a son that was professing his love for a woman who he hasn't even met I would be very concerned. I know some will disagree with my view, but I really do not believe you can really love someone until you have met and spent a decent amount of time to actually get to know them, not just what they tell you about themselves. I'd be concerned about the age difference, as lets face it most agegap relationships don't work out but my real concern would be the above.

We have met. I'm sorry if that wasn't clear.

Hello,

I have a big problem my parents do not accept my partner because she is much older than i. What shall I do?

Yony

I see from your profile that you are 35 years old? I don't understand why your parents' approval is so important to you at this age, but I will answer your question the best I can. You must be firm with your parents about their need to accept your decisions. I would not ask them what they think or how they feel about it, but instead talk with them with an attitude of confidence. Just tell them that you care for this person and your decision is made. Say I hope that you will respect my decision even if you disagree with it and I insist that you treat my gf with courtesy and respect. If they refuse to do this, then you must decide what is more important to you: your parents approval or being in charge of your own life.

Our families don't always agree with our decisions, but wise people will respect them and support us without judgement. You must be strong in this regard for you are a man now and this is only but one decision you will be making in your life ahead. Your goal is not to get approval from your parents, but respect for making your own choices. If after all this, they refuse to respect your decision, then you may have to decide to distance yourself from them until they come around. It's really the only solution. People who love you usually do come around to accept your decisions when you hold firm with them.

If you place your need for your parents' approval ahead of your commitment to your gf, you will lose her, no doubt about it. You will also lose self-respect for not being your own man. This is something you must do as they are your parents - it is not your gf's battle - you must take control and deal with it and do your best to shield her from any negativity from them. Good luck!