It's over

Last Wednesday my boyfriend called me from the army where he has been since May this year.His mum told him to end our relationship because she doesn't want her son to be with a European woman(he's from Turkey).As in their culture he listens to his parents and ended our relationship.
Is he chose me,she said they would never want to have any contact with him.And they would do that
So here I am heartbroken,sad,angry etc.It hurts so much.I can't eat,sleep etc.
I love him sooo much and he still loves me but he's 21 and has to do what they want.
It's so unreal that in 2006 people can't pick the ones they want to be with.I never say this comming.They have always known about me.He said that he thinks that we weren't serious and that I would end our relationship once he started his army time but now she sees I'm still here and now she does.
I have no idea how to deal with this.PLEASE HELP!!I've been crying for a whole week now and I thought I wouldn't have any tears left but I do.
Not even face to face but over the phone and there is nothing I can do about it.

Awww, Dolphin!!

I'm soooo sorry. :(

All I have to offer you is big online HUG and a Smoochie-Woochie.
It's tough sometimes to love someone from a different culture......

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

(((HUG)))

Thank you.It's so unreal.Every morning I wake up and hope it was just a bad dream.
How can people do this to eachother?How can his parents be happy by destroying their sons happiness?

How can his parents be happy by destroying their sons happiness?

It's such a different world over there. Tradition, family and obedience to parents are probably much more important.

I know it hurts. Keep talking to us and eventually it'll be better.

i'm so sorry dolphin.

It is a different world.One that we will never understand.It's just so unfair we love eachother,why can't we be together?
Normally relationships end because the love is gone,cheating etc but this is so unreal.Everything is there but still it's over.
His way of dealing with it now is being radical about everything.Something that I can't understand because for me it takes time to get used to it all.
He used to call me every night and last night was the first night he didn't.On Monday he said we have to stop talking to eachother every day so I will call every other day.So I knew he wasn't going to call but still I looked at the clock all night hoping he would call.
I asked him if there's a change he will change his mind but he says he can't change his mind.
He said he's willing to give up his dreams for his parents happiness.

He is not his own man, Dolphin...

He still belongs to his parents. You can't rely on someone like that.
I know it's not fair, but some people are just that way.

I know Harrison,my head knows but tell it to my heart.I was going to ask him to marry me next year and now by him ending it,he's not only giving up his dreams but he also took mine.

I am so sorry for your pain.:( I wish there was some way he could see things differently. It really does seem so unfair.
((((hug))))

I'm sorry to hear this... ((((HUG))))

@Harrison, men AND women from that culture generally belongs to their parenta no matter how old they are.... :(

I have known so many men with the same cultural background as Dolphins guy and "they all know" that one day they will settle down with one from their own culture. Their parents does not accept anything else and this has been told them from they were little.
Many of my friends (with that background) has told me that they are together with a Norwegian woman now that they are young and it is not so serious, but that they know that they will marry someone from their own country... this because they have been told and thought up to belive that that is the only thing to do... Most of the young men that told me this are now in their 30-35's and few of them are happy... I know only of one and he chouse to marry his first love... a Norwegian girl :P

I am so sorry this is happening for you. I live in Europe and am starting to understand the cultural differences over here a little. Europe is supposed to be ultra liberal, but let me tell you - it is not. My vym is a 19 y/o french man and his family doesn't know about us, because he fears their reaction. He dated a 28 y/o woman when he was 18 and everyone asked if she was his older sister! Even a 10 year age gap is frowned upon. Of course, older men and younger women is completely ok and gets winks from all around! Very much a double standard over here in the land of supposed liberation - ha! Turkey is even worse: he is not only facing his parents but his entire culture. He would be shunned by his community for choosing you - talk about backward, but yes, that is how it is. When you think about the culture gap plus the age gap, you realize you have an uphill battle ahead of you if you choose this person. I know it is hard to accept at this early point, but he just wasn't the guy for you. He was unable to be his own man: his fear of alienation was greater than his love for you. You deserve a man who will fight for you.

Not every Turk chooses to remain within their culture. My friend (American) married a man from Turkey who is 17 years younger than her. Fortunately, they didn't have the family pressures apparently.

Dolphin, my heart goes out to you. I am so terribly sorry. :(

I know,we always thougth that we were also going to be part of those people who can make it work.But this wasn't in our hands.

i don't understand THAT depth of parental obedience but i can imagine it.

i'm so very very sorry to hear that you're going thru this. ((((hugs))))

Tracy

Aww Dolphin, this is just the saddest news. I know how much this meant and how hard you worked at this LDR. I can't help but wonder what is going on in his heart right now as well. I have no words of wisdom....it all bites! < < HUGS > >

Dolphin, I am just wondering if....... Your boyfriend is just using the excuse of his family not allowing him to be with a foreigner as an excuse to break up with you. It seems all of the sudden he has taken that position. It is not an issue you have been dealing with, like some other posters here. Thus I am just thinking that there may be other reasons for the break up, but instead of him telling you, he finds the easy way out and blames it on his parents, on the culture difference and bla bla bla...

My gut feeling (and I have a special gift for that) is telling me there is more to it than just his parents making the decision for him.

I hope my opinion does not upset you. Nevertheless whatever the reason is for him not wanting to be with you, and you are in lots of pain, and I am very sorry for that, at the end his love for you was not strong enough and like someone else said you deserve a MAN (regardless of his age) that is willing to fight for you, be there for you.

Time heals all wounds! If crying makes you feel better, keep crying until you start healing...

I wish you the best.

At this point, for your sake....you may want to tell him to stop calling completely rather than every other day. I know you live to hear from him, but it is over and you will heal better with no contact.

And it will give him a taste of what life is like without you. That could shake him enough to change his mind. It is a remote possibility. But if he still has you whenever he wants to talk to you, he may have a chance to get gradually accustomed to less and less contact till none. Best to make him and yourself go cold turkey. No pun intended. Good luck.

At this point, for your sake....you may want to tell him to stop calling completely rather than every other day. I know you live to hear from him, but it is over and you will heal better with no contact.

i agree with this. tenfold.

Many hugs to you. I know first hand how hard it is when the parents don't understand or approve. My ym is 31 and I'm 45. I know in my heart his dad's disapproval played a role in our break up. (FYI - We're both American!) Defying Dad didn't seem to matter before, but I know it bothered my ym a lot. I really think he got too close and used the age gap as an excuse to bolt. As was already said earlier, keep reading and posting here. It does help. Hope you heal soon.

Keep checking for words of support and encouragement. Love hurts when it doesnt turn out right for whatever reason.


The feelings of sadness/despair will soon pass.

Dearest Dolphin,

*big hugs*...I am so sorry, I wish there was something we could all do to make you feel better.

I just wanted to tell you that something similar happened to me and I ended up married to him :D The only difference is that we were both the same religion and had many of the same goals in life and knew we wanted to get married (because of our religion and views on dating, etc) to each other as soon as possible...so, these similarities really helped a lot...but please don't give up hope, I know this is not what you want to hear right now, but I truly, TRULY believe the cliche, if it is meant to be, it will be.

*more hugs to you*

~A.

Dolphin, I am just wondering if....... Your boyfriend is just using the excuse of his family not allowing him to be with a foreigner as an excuse to break up with you.

I would have thought the same thing until it happened to me personally. The middle Eastern culture is MUCH different than ours...if the Mama says stick your head in a pot of water and jump up and down on your left foot a child would NEVER question her or even THINK of disobeying her. In the M.E. if you go against your mothers wishes it is synonymous with completely not LOVING her...so although I can't know for sure what happened in the mind of her YM, I don't find the situation unusual at all considering he is Turkish.

Even in my situation, I ended up married to my love after all our troubles...but the ONLY reason it worked out is because after A LOT of prayer and HARD WORK by me, him, his sister, and other members of his family is Mama finally agreed to our marriage...had she not, we would not be married today. And the more I spend time in the M.E. the more I understand these aspects which are different than Western culture...his Mama is one of the most loving, caring, wonderful women I've ever met and she welcomed me into her family with open arms..I feel comfortable in her home and I actually really enjoyed and missed living in her house after our marriage (not that I didn't love living with my husband!!! :D ) because it reminded me of a real home like my Granny's or my Mama's home...so a mother not agreeing with something is not synonymous with her being a tyrannical, mean, bad mother...it is almost always rooted in deep, deep love and wanting to save their child from any pain or hardship.

Amina the reason I said what I said was because Dolphin, who I believe has been dating her YM for a while, never even talked about her relationship not being approved by her YM's family, thus my conclusion...

I come from a very traditional Latin family so I do know about how family plays a role and mothers even more. As well, I have had lots of friends from all over the world through out my life and I do know about traditions, rules, and what have you, but then look at you, somehow your love conquered mama! :)

Dolphin, believe me it gets better, hang in there!

Amina the reason I said what I said was because Dolphin, who I believe has been dating her YM for a while, never even talked about her relationship not being approved by her YM's family, thus my conclusion...


Actually, I think she has done on a few occasions, but they worked on it before...

I think she alluded to it when she said that his mother thought that it would end once he was in the army. Perhaps when she realised that wasn't going to happen she upped the pressure?

I'm sorry this happened Dolphin... I think the only way things can change and work out for you two is if he really, really makes it happen. It's going to have to be down to him to do that. Like someone else said, the only thing you can really do is to break off all contact. This works in two ways. First of all if things don't work out for you guys this will make it easier to deal with. Secondly, I think this is the only way to go if it ever DOES work out, because it all has to be down to him like I said.

Again, I'm sorry. :o

Dolphin: I sympathize with your situation because it was a hurdle that my ex-husband and I had to overcome before our marriage. He was from a wealthy, well bred French family, and his parents did not want him to marry an American, especially one like myself who did not have the family money and the ivy league education. First his parents offered him a large sum of money for him to quit his relationship with me which he declined. This made them realize that he was serious about staying with me, so they pulled out the same card as you YM's mother. He was told that if he refused to leave me, then he would be cut out of the family estate and that for all intenstive purposes his parents, sisters and extended family would consider him dead.

Well, he still chose me. The family stuck to their guns and haven't seen him in the last 13 years. I believe his mother has contacted via email once or twice, but even after all this time, the fence has never been mended.

We were married for 10 years, and although we ended up divorced, we are still best friends. However, the issue with his family was always a huge burden for me. He moved to the US to be with me, and when we started to have problems I felt I had no other choice than to stick with him because he had left his family for me. He was verbally abusive and violent - but I was stuck out of obligation.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that although your YM is choosing his family over you, it can be hard either way. It really puts alot of strain on the relationship when a person is required to give up their family for you.

Dolphin, I am just wondering if....... Your boyfriend is just using the excuse of his family not allowing him to be with a foreigner as an excuse to break up with you. It seems all of the sudden he has taken that position. It is not an issue you have been dealing with, like some other posters here. Thus I am just thinking that there may be other reasons for the break up, but instead of him telling you, he finds the easy way out and blames it on his parents, on the culture difference and bla bla bla...

My gut feeling (and I have a special gift for that) is telling me there is more to it than just his parents making the decision for him.

I wish you the best.


I'm with you. Everyone makes their own decisions in life. He has chosen to end it and perhaps he thinks saying this will soften the blow.... of course it hasn't.

Sorry Dolphin. That's a tough break.


You know a real man doesn't let ANYTHING keep him away from the woman he loves.

Maybe that is what you really need anyway.

Aww, Dolphin, I'm sorry you are hurting so.

You are such a sweetie pie.

Much love,
Bub

Sorry Dolphin. That's a tough break.


You know a real man doesn't let ANYTHING keep him away from the woman he loves.

Exactly, and sometimes the woman a REAL MAN loves is his mother.

Hang in there my sweet dolphin, I will be thinking of you...

so sorry Dolphin....I know that hurt you are feeling exactly.

I totally agree with Softsong though....no contact rather than every other day contact will be the only way to get over the heart break as soon as possible.

Big hug for comfort to you, sweetie....darn it...
Karen

Thanks guys.

In the beginning his mum said something about it but that was it.I know the best way is to have no contact at all but right now I can't.I still love him and he loves me.It's my heart that can't let him go now.

He said he can't change his mind when it comes to making this decision.

Softsong said:"And it will give him a taste of what life is like without you. That could shake him enough to change his mind. It is a remote possibility. But if he still has you whenever he wants to talk to you, he may have a chance to get gradually accustomed to less and less contact till none".

Right now I can't do that.Does that sound stupid??How can I tell him that when I live for that phonecall???His way of dealing with it is not to talk about it,think about etc.By talking to me he has to hear me and me reminding him how much I'm hurting.

What do you think about me writing his parents a letter?I think he'll be very angry that I didn't respect his decision and maybe disrespting his parents.

NO no no! You are not thinking straight at this moment! Writing his parents is a desperate behavior on your behalf and will only make you look bad - please restrain yourself from doing this. You need time and space away from him now. My best advice is to not have any contact with him or anyone connected to him, at least for now. I know it is very difficult for you to do this, but if you let him continue a friendship with you, you are enabling him to cut you out of his life with a minimum of pain to him! If anywhere deep in your heart you think he may come around for you, you must not contact him - let him think on things and really have a chance to miss you and everything you have brought into his life. He can't miss you really if you continue speaking, emailing whatever with him. I know this is the hardest thing to do right now, but if there is a chance in hell that he may change his mind for you - he must experience the pain of withdrawal!!

Ok so no letter.

He's in the army now and he's busy from 0630am until 7pm.So he doesn't have much time to think about things.

Don't you think that by cutting of all contact I'll be making things much easier on him?

Don't you think that by cutting of all contact I'll be making things much easier on him?

It will make things much easier on YOU! Dolphin, baby this is about you, not him. You need to take care of yourself. The sooner you take action to stop the agony, the sooner you will recuperate.

Best wishes to you...

How can I tell him not to call me anymore when I love him?Right now I live for that phone call.Do you think that by letting go of that it will be easier for me?I wil feel awful and would like to hear from him.

No, by cutting off all contact, you WILL be making things HARDER FOR HIM and that is exactly what he needs right now! He needs time and space away from you to miss you. You are making the breakup easier for him to accomplish by remaining "there for him" as friends. He must feel the anxiety and possible heartache of losing you and he will do this best if you cut off the contact. If he contacts you, I would just tell him you have been rethinking the whole enchilada and friendship is not what you are looking for (it's true isn't it?) and say "i wish you the best. goodbye" then hangup with no more conversation. This will be the true test of his love for you. If he doesn't call back saying ok - we will work it out because i want to be with you and my family will have to accept it; then you will have your answer and can move on. By continuing the contact with him, you make it so much easier for him to dump you - yes, it sounds harsh, but let's face the facts here - and you prolong your own misery. You cannot possibly move on when you are still involved with him and going to sleep each night "hoping and praying" can you?? As hard as it is, tolerate the anxiety of no contact. It is the only way your relationship has any chance at all.

He broke up with you dear, don't you see it!

If you do not want to tell him then just do NOT answer his calls, his e-mails, his messages...

You are suffering more than him, and it would be best if you just let go!

Do it, hard as it is, but it is your sanity you need to take care of...

Again, here we are to give you support! Hang in there!

louisianagirl

How do I get the stength to do that?I'm so worried I will never hear from him again.

I'm so worried I will never hear from him again.

As harsh as it may sound, it may be reality, and you have to continue living!

Dolphin baby, you do not want to be with a man that does not give you the love back that you deserve. Or do you?

Be good to yourself, let go!

louisianagirl

How do I get the stength to do that?I'm so worried I will never hear from him again.

Dolphin,

The way you do it is to pretend that he is no longer available to speak. He has gone away somewhere and he just can't be contacted anymore.

This is really true in a way. He HAS gone away because he said he can't "change his mind when it comes to this decision"

Sometimes you have to take a step back to allow another person the chance to take a step forward. You are a big girl. People have loved and lost. Take a step back and let it go. If he and you are meant to be, HE will find a way to make it happen.

As harsh as it may sound, it may be reality, and you have to continue living!

Dolphin baby, you do not want to be with a man that does not give you the love back that you deserve. Or do you?

Be good to yourself, let go!


The whole point is that he does love me.That's why I can't let go.I feel so much pain,it's killing me inside.

A lot of us have experience the same thing. If you continue to accept his calls, he has the best of both worlds. He can please his Mom and still have you a part of his life. He has absolutely NO motivation to make things permanent with you.

He is used to talking to you frequently now. While he is still "addicted" to that, you must cut him off to make him feel how awful he will feel without you in his life.

If he can contact you when he wants, he will gradually require less and less of you until he no longer needs you. Take it from me and the others who have had this happened.

The ONLY way he may come back (since he does love you), is to experience your loss. Then he may be able to see that his Mom is wrong.

The otherway, you get to feel a tiny bit of good when you talk to him, but it is like scratching a mosquito bite. It feels better temporarily but you make the thing worse.

If you stay weak, you will hurt longer if it is over and you will lose any chance of getting him back. So do what you want, you have had good advice.

Yes, Dolphin, my ex-bf loved me too, just not enough. I have not heard from my ex and don't want to. I could barely get out of bed for a week after I broke it off with him, so I really do understand. I didn't answer his calls, nothing - no contact at all. Sometimes the anxiety of no contact will feel unbearable - TOLERATE IT is my best advice. LIke going thru rehab - tolerate the anxiety and pain. It really is not a question of whether there is love, is it the love you need? Nope, it is second hand love which in my book is worse than none at all, because it holds you back from finding the real thing.

Boy, I am going to give some very different advice here. See what I think she needs to know is whether he truly still loves her. She is saying it and feeling it but having trouble understanding, if this is so, why his family would have such influence over him. Its been explained from a cultural standpoint, but because she has no face to face time with him right now and is not part of that culture, its almost impossible to grasp. Its been suggested that maybe he is using this family thing as an excuse. Its been suggested that she break all contact to make things easier on herself. What she really needs is to know from him why this can't go on if he really still loves her, or if he didn't, why it went on so long.

I am not a proponent of being pushy; to the contrary I have told many OP's to back off. This case is different though. When you have a well established LDR* and thousands of miles between you, all you have to sustain the relationship is love, trust, that telephone and computer. Cutting out phone and e-mail, allows her no way to resolve this. She can't grieve properly until she gets over that piece called Denial. If she could only look him in the eye and ask her questions of him! But you don't get that in a LDR, nor to you get the hugs that seem to smooth the misunderstandings. I would tell anyone in a well established LDR, not to cut off communication when you have misunderstandings. Repeat, it is all you have!!

Also, I agree you should NOT contact his parents. It will only muddy the issue and what you want to know is where he stands.

*i.e. not two weeks of online chatting without a face to face meeting.

See what I think she needs to know is whether he truly still loves her. She is saying it and feeling it but having trouble understanding, if this is so, why his family would have such influence over him. Its been explained from a cultural standpoint, but because she has no face to face time with him right now and is not part of that culture, its almost impossible to grasp. Its been suggested that maybe he is using this family thing as an excuse. Its been suggested that she break all contact to make things easier on herself. What she really needs is to know from him why this can't go on if he really still loves her, or if he didn't, why it went on so long.


I'm pretty sure we had a whole thread devoted to this very issue (wasn't it actually started by Dolphin?), and Amina has mentioned it in this one too. His culture means that he feels a duty to obey his mothers wishes. His mother had assumed it would end once he went into the army, but it hasn't. Finally his mother starts to really put on the pressure for his to do what SHE wants, and he gives into it. This doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love her, not at all, he can't face losing his family and the respect of his community, that kind of thing. I would expect that when it's a LDR that this might be more of an issue too.

He is not going to change his mind it things continue as they are, IMO. he needs to know what it feels like to lose her completely, RIGHT NOW, whilst there's still a chance (however small) that he might change his mind. It becomes easier for him not to as time goes on. There is nothing that Dolphin can do here, this HAS to come from him, it has to be HIS decision. Otherwise, even if they did get back together, it's likely to happen again.

Dolphin, I know this is very hard and I feel for you. But there's only two outcomes here... either you get back together, or you don't. In each case having no contact seems like the best thing to do. On one hand it's the best chance of him changing his mind and keeping it changed, and on the other it's the best way to get over it.

I'm really sorry. :(

Boy, I am going to give some very different advice here. See what I think she needs to know is whether he truly still loves her. She is saying it and feeling it but having trouble understanding, if this is so, why his family would have such influence over him. Its been explained from a cultural standpoint, but because she has no face to face time with him right now and is not part of that culture, its almost impossible to grasp. Its been suggested that maybe he is using this family thing as an excuse. Its been suggested that she break all contact to make things easier on herself. What she really needs is to know from him why this can't go on if he really still loves her, or if he didn't, why it went on so long.

I am not a proponent of being pushy; to the contrary I have told many OP's to back off. This case is different though. When you have a well established LDR* and thousands of miles between you, all you have to sustain the relationship is love, trust, that telephone and computer. Cutting out phone and e-mail, allows her no way to resolve this. She can't grieve properly until she gets over that piece called Denial. If she could only look him in the eye and ask her questions of him! But you don't get that in a LDR, nor to you get the hugs that seem to smooth the misunderstandings. I would tell anyone in a well established LDR, not to cut off communication when you have misunderstandings. Repeat, it is all you have!!

Also, I agree you should NOT contact his parents. It will only muddy the issue and what you want to know is where he stands.

*i.e. not two weeks of online chatting without a face to face meeting.

You describe exactly how I feel.

So very well put, Rob. He does love her, but the cultural pull is a strong one. While his love is still strong for her and he is used to having her, he needs to see what it will be like if he listens to his family and has nothing with her.

If he can please his Mom and still have her when he needs it, he will be able to let go gradually until he can completely please his family and no longer is quite as addicted to his love for her.

Like he said, he is not calling every day, just every other. He is working on reducing it till he no longer needs it. Let him feel you completely gone so he can see how much he will miss you in his life. No guarantees, but the best shot you have and if it fails, it is the quickest way to heal.

Rob that was a great post and I agree with your final analysis. They either get back together or they don't; but I disagree on how best to get there. I think maybe hearing it over and over might help. This is a loss. I think Dolphin is entitled to do some of that bargaining that goes along with loss. She needs to pick this apart with him. HE NEEDS to know culturally where she is coming from. If she breaks contact with him and she is no longer a burr in his shoe, he simply moves along in his tradition with the blessing of his family, never really grasping how devasted he has left another person.

never really grasping how devasted he has left another person.

Rozie and?

He probably knows it already but he went ahead and broke up with her anyway and that is the bottom line here.

She continues to hurt and keeping the wound alive if she continues the contact with him.

Why keep the agony?

Let go is my recommendation. There is only so much you can beg, cry and implore... Many times it does not matter how many times you are told why something is happening. We, in our minds and/or hearts, do not comprehend it, and all we can do is just let it be.

And that is life!

Rozie and?

And...... Dolphin gets to work this through. And..... her YM lays off of women with whom he knows he can't sustain a relationship. Seems fair to me.

How can I tell him not to call me anymore when I love him?Right now I live for that phone call.Do you think that by letting go of that it will be easier for me?I wil feel awful and would like to hear from him.

Like everyone is saying. This is about you right now. I am sending thousands of (((e-hugs))) your way because there is no easy way around this.

You have to stop the calls. The calls are a crutch that you believe will carry you through this tough time but in the end they are just a way for you to not face the inevitable and will cause more harm to you than facing the truth. No matter how much you love him it will not convince him to turn his back on his family. He will have to want this for himself, and asking someone to turn their back on their family is an extremely tough proposition.

I'm not sure how speaking with him at this point will change his opinion. If he's been a pretty straight forward guy this whole time speaking with him would not change his reasoning. Even though I would love it to be different I just believe he's been cornered by his family and cornering him again about his choice will only further alienate you.

I can't stand posts like these because I think we can all relate to that pain and there is nothing I can offer to make it any easier. Sometimes you have to take it one breath at a time to get through it. Please continue to vent here as much as needed.

(((hugs again)))

Angel

First of all thank you for all your replies,advice,sweet words,hugs etc.

In my head I know the best way to deal with it is not to have any contact.But in my heart I can't.The days he doesn't call are horrible and the thought of having to go through that on a daily base,is tearing up my heart.

I'm scared that if I tell him not to call at all,I will never hear from him again.This sounds desperate but right now that call is all I have from him.

Of course I know that when I cut of all contact he might realise what he gave up but on the other hand he's in the army and is kept busy all day and doesn't have much time to think.So maybe then I will make it easier on him.Now he says he doesn't want to talk about it/think about it because then he thinks it will go away.Maybe it's my emotional state of mind but I just think that by having to call me,I make it harder on him to do think about it and talk about it.

Pardon my surprise at all of this sadness because I really don't understand and do not mean to offend anyone. Anyway, here goes -

Sometimes many of us mourn the loss of love when what we are really mourning is the loss of a dream of what could have been. And, if that's the case - then all we need to realize is that that person was not the "bringer" or "sustainer" of our dream. The dream of a desired relationship is yours and as long as you are alive, you can bring and sustain it in your life. Your life and happiness are really in your own hands and not in the hands of a guy who walked away from you .

I have follwed your advice and ended things yesterday.I know that he will never change his mind now but maybe after a while we can be friends.
Thank you for all your support,advice and sweet words!

(((HUGS)))

I can only imagine how hard this is. :( You know we are here to talk anytime.

Although it hurts and you will want to have a tiny piece of him rather than none....it truly is the best way. Either you will heal and and be friends one day, but have someone new, or he will realize what he has missed and find a way.

Sending lots of support and love your way. Keep busy, do good things for yourself.

Dolphin, I am so glad you made the decision as you did. Now it will be an emotional roller coaster but it will better in due time and you will get off the ride and realize that you survived the ups and down of the breaking up of the relationship.

Hang in there and enjoy the ride, really, for you will learn a lot more about yourself.

((((((((((((Dolphin)))))))))))

dolphin...thinking of you *H*

Thanks!I have no idea how to get over this.I know it sounds stupid but this has been the serioust relationship ever in my 32 years and I have no idea where to start.How do you mend a broken heart?

Thanks!I have no idea how to get over this.I know it sounds stupid but this has been the serioust relationship ever in my 32 years and I have no idea where to start.How do you mend a broken heart?

I don't think you can, it just does... itself, over time.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you, whichever way it goes.

it "mends" over time dolphin.... and one day, it just doesn't hurt as much. take all the time you need. we're here for you...

Thank you guys!.

hi dolphin,
i feel so sad just reading your posts. i have been exactly where you are so many times in my younger years. painful doesn't even begin to describe the pain.
but what chrisy said is right:

"Sometimes many of us mourn the loss of love when what we are really mourning is the loss of a dream of what could have been. And, if that's the case - then all we need to realize is that that person was not the "bringer" or "sustainer" of our dream. The dream of a desired relationship is yours and as long as you are alive, you can bring and sustain it in your life. Your life and happiness are really in your own hands and not in the hands of a guy who walked away from you ."

we do have to separate the reality of the guy and the dream of the guy. the reality is that you would not have been accepted into his culture/world anytime soon and the reality is that he wasn't willing/able to give up that culture/world for you.

when you can embrace that reality (vs. the dream), you gain wisdom and you can depersonalize the pain.

all this love is inside YOU. it doesn't come from "the guy." if you are open to the gifts the universe will bring you, you will experience a love even greater than any who have ever known. but make sure it's based in reality. not in that dream that we all fall into and have such a hard time letting go of.

everything that made the relationship so lovely exists within you and is all about you.

xoxoxo
violetblue

What a beautiful way of saying that.It's such a shame that I know it's the truth but now it hurts so much that I can't see it that way.Hopefully in time I will.

Being 32 now I had fogotten how much a broken heart hurts.How can you let go of a dream and how can you mend a broken heart?

No way would I ever let my parents interfeer in my relationship with my girlfriend. That is completely wrong 21 is a grown adult, a young adult at the very least. Still old enough to make he's own decisions.

That was me, I would gladly welcome my parents dis-ownership to be with the woman I love, which fortunately they're approving and I am with the woman I love.

Still have no idea how to move on and to get rid of mt heartache!

Well Dolphin, b-----tching and moaning works for me. Of course I am joking but truthfully, I have to do a lot of talking through of my experiences and sometimes its hard to find the appropriate outlet. THIS IS THE APPROPRIATE OUTLET! Feel free to share. If I remember correctly, you were going to continue to have some limited phone contact with him. How's that going? What's going on at his end? :confused:

You are right we do talk on the phone every 3 or 4 days.He stands by his decision which is really painful because he says it every time we talk on the phone.

There are a few things that really hurt me;
1)the fact that he didn't fight for this relationship,he didn't stand up to his parents
2)he doesn't want to talk about it because that's his way of dealing with it.He says by not talking/thinking about it he's sure the feelings will go away.But for me talking about it is part of dealing with it.

He wants to stay friends but he also wants to decide when he should call me or not and that's a no go for me.The fact that he doesn't want to deal with his feelings is his choice but he should give me the time to deal with my feelings and if I need to hear from him every 4 days I think he should do that for me.Or am I being selfish now?

You are right we do talk on the phone every 3 or 4 days.He stands by his decision which is really painful because he says it every time we talk on the phone.

There are a few things that really hurt me;
1)the fact that he didn't fight for this relationship,he didn't stand up to his parents
2)he doesn't want to talk about it because that's his way of dealing with it.He says by not talking/thinking about it he's sure the feelings will go away.But for me talking about it is part of dealing with it.

He wants to stay friends but he also wants to decide when he should call me or not and that's a no go for me.The fact that he doesn't want to deal with his feelings is his choice but he should give me the time to deal with my feelings and if I need to hear from him every 4 days I think he should do that for me.Or am I being selfish now?

Dolphin,

There are ALWAYS more fish in the sea.

I think you really need to start looking for a nice young, hot Dutchman in your own country.

I loved the Netherlands when I visited. Amsterdam, Leiden, Haarlem... Delft... :D
beautiful country... wonderful people.

Are you looking yet? :D

dolphin...reading your last post, my gut feeling is you need to tell him all this! that it sucked that he did not fight for the relationship and YOU need to talk about it. if he can't deal with that, personally i'd tell him to ____ off. you deserve better!

You need to stop all contact with him. I feel that's the best way to get over someone. If you keep speaking to him you will be reminded of how things were every time you talk to him and that just makes it harder.

Like Harrison said.... there are plenty more fish in the sea.... it really is true. Just go to any public place and sit there for a while and watch the people, you will see a lot of guys walking around alone and others getting around in groups, many of them will be single and looking for love (even if they don't realise it yet).

Whenever I broke up with someone I was dating I was hopeless for a few days then I realised that the new possibilities for my life were endless. The excitement of the unknown always pulled me through... who knew what might happen next????

Get out with your friends, if anyone asks you out on a date go on it. It's the only way to get over a broken heart quickly.... if you sit around at home and mope you will take far longer to get over him.

...you will see a lot of guys walking around alone and others getting around in groups, many of them will be single and looking for love (even if they don't realise it yet).

Wow, Satya! You are hilarious!!! :D

Yes, I also think that instead of telling him he needs to call her more often or when she needs him to, she should be telling him not to call at all.

Getting him to call when she needs him to will only keep her from healing. And he has it all on his terms. He did not fight for her, he will not discuss it, and calls when he wants or needs to. Sure, he has a right to choose to stick to his family's culture, but if he has done that, he needs to leave her alone. Attempting to be friends with someone you're still so raw over will keep the wound open.

She and he might be able to be friends later. I still believe if there is any hope, it lies in her showing him what it is like without her, while he still needs her.

if I need to hear from him every 4 days I think he should do that for me.Or am I being selfish now? I don't think you are being selfish but I do think that you are being unwise.

A). You are only prolonging and INCREASING the pain by talking to him.
B). It is not good for your self-esteem to be "needy" with someone who doesn't give what you need in the first place.
C). You are totally ruining your chances of him waking up and thinking of you as a wonderful treasure, instead of a "pesky" nuisance by requiring him to call you.

When a guy says he needs some space... I give him the whole universe. If he doesn't love me, as much as I love me, then we are clearly not meant for each other. :p

With no contact, there will be about 2 weeks of horrible pain. During this time write in a journal to yourself. Write about every one who ever let you down. Be angry, be sad, be self centered. This is to get all your feelings out and to take the opportunity to learn more about YOURSELF.

Write about your boyfriend... what you loved about him, what you didn't, how you feel now. Then in the journal forgive him and tell him goodbye. DON'T SEND any of this to him. This is for you only.
Think about who you were before you met him. What were your dreams and strengths then? They are still there in your soul. Dust them off and go after them again. It takes time... and pain... but there is happiness on the other side of pain, I promise. :)

Dolphin:
I understand you so well. My bf and I have broken up several times and it has being very very painful and I always end up not being able to say NO, quite the opposite, I have pursued a reconciliation several times. The difference is that in our case it was not a matter of parents trying to separate us.

There is a kind of love that responds to no logic, no self-preservation. There is a kind of love that is an ADDICTION.

I would suggest that you get yourself a calendar and make a schedule of calls. If he calls every 4 days, change it to 5 days next week, then 6 days, extending the no-call period. Also schedule activities for those days when he does not call. Movies with the girls, going to a club or a concert, taking dancing classes, whatever. Put yourself in contact with other guys, make yourself look at other guys in an appreciative way, like so and so has nice eyes, nice bod, etc.

Mark every day that goes by when there has been no contact and give yourself a "medal" for each one of those days.

When you talk to him DO NOT use the word LOVE. Talk to him like you would to a friend.

Come to AL and vent everytime you need.

Hugs.

I know it would be much better if I wouldn't talk to him anymore.My mind knows that but my heart doesn't and they can't agree.
I'm worried that if I tell him not to call anymore,I'm losing a good friend and that's not what I want.I'm not sure if I cut off all contact if he will realize what he has given up,maybe it will be easier for him to forget me.Because now he has to talk to me which is a reminder of our past but then by not thinking or talking about it,he can get over it without actually dealing with it.

*hugs* Dolphin, Im so sorry to hear of your heartache,

I think most of us here who have loved someone knows what your feeling right now...although everyones situation is different and everyone has different ways of coping. I go along with what everyone else has said and would just let him go as hard as that is. By allowing him that contact any time he feels like it hes stringing you along and giving you false hope. Thats an encruitating and painful way to live...you deserve much better.

In the meantime try and do things that make you feel good about you,go get a manicure,do some exercise, read an intersting book etc. I know its hard but if you can do little things like that each day it helps to nurture yourself. Good luck with everything.

I'm having a really bad day!

I'm having a really bad day!

Hang in there, Dolphin!

We love you, and trust us.... things will get better!!

Are you trying to make new friends yet?

After being home from work for almost 3 wks now,I'm going to work today for a couple of hours.
I've been crying a lot and am not looking forward to going to work and having to explain to people the who and why.

Sending you positive thoughts today, Dolphin. Know that your friends here support you and are thinking of you.


(((( hugs ))))

Work was difficult and very emotional.I was so tired when I got home.I still feel like I'm on a rollercoaster ride when it comes to emotions.
Two times a week I still speak to him which is difficult but for me better.I know it sounds like I'm causing myself more pain by talking to him but right now I think it's working for me instead of the clean break.

Oh Dolphin! (((((hugs))))))

Thanks Rozie!

I know how this hurts, dolphin. My ex had serious problems and I am the one who left him, but I hurt like hell for several weeks after. He called me, but I let my machine take his calls and I maintained no contact with him. Now many months later, I am head over heels in love with a terrific guy whom I never would have met if I hadn't moved on! The really amazing thing is I love him so much more than I ever loved the assh**e! Yes, now that's how now I see his behavior. Of course there is a small part of me that will always care for him, but I no longer love him and have put his behavior and our relationship in perspective. Yellow Rose made a great recommendation of keeping a journal and I suggest writing in it all the shi**y things he's put you through as a reminder that HE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU! This helped me remove my rose colored glasses with my ex and let me replace the hurt with justified anger. Any man who does not love you enough to fight for you is unworthy. Big hugs for you.

Sorry Dolphin you are still hurting...

One blunt question for you, when will you be ready to let go? I think you are still holding on, with the hope he will change his mind. But if he does, then what happens if he does it to you again?...

Maybe it is time to let go all the way!

I wish you peace and harmony, it will come in due time, just feel the pain and then release it. Find the strenght...

((((((((((((((((Dolphin)))))))))))))))

dolphin, possibly get out of your own head and see that if he chooses you, he looses his family for the rest of his life. the kindest thing you can do for him is to let him go, you never really had him anyway.

would you want him miserable and torn and blaming you for the abandonment of his family? that is exactly the way his family would play it and ultimately you would loose.

my father in law and his wife, sat smuggly by and finally came to the conclusion that the army would eventually break adam and i, this after they ruined our first attempt to get married and i decided i just would not go thru with it, adam went back to italy and i drew my line in the sand, i would NOT allow anyone to interfere with our moment. i was not going to spend my wedding day talking about my idiot father in law. when adam came home the next time, no mention of our wedding to his father and he certainly was not included and we went on with our plans, sure it was 4-5 months later, but it was on OUR terms.

if your boyfriend is not willing to draw the line in the sand for you, you have nothing anyway but a life of heartache.

time for you to move on, God bless and i hope that this pain ends for you, start making the steps you need to move on. you must for your own health, destroying yourself over a love affair is certainly not love or romantic. take from this and learn but move on.

dolphin, possibly get out of your own head and see that if he chooses you, he looses his family for the rest of his life. the kindest thing you can do for him is to let him go, you never really had him anyway.

would you want him miserable and torn and blaming you for the abandonment of his family? that is exactly the way his family would play it and ultimately you would loose.

my father in law and his wife, sat smuggly by and finally came to the conclusion that the army would eventually break adam and i, this after they ruined our first attempt to get married and i decided i just would not go thru with it, adam went back to italy and i drew my line in the sand, i would NOT allow anyone to interfere with our moment. i was not going to spend my wedding day talking about my idiot father in law. when adam came home the next time, no mention of our wedding to his father and he certainly was not included and we went on with our plans, sure it was 4-5 months later, but it was on OUR terms.

if your boyfriend is not willing to draw the line in the sand for you, you have nothing anyway but a life of heartache.

time for you to move on, God bless and i hope that this pain ends for you, start making the steps you need to move on. you must for your own health, destroying yourself over a love affair is certainly not love or romantic. take from this and learn but move on.


I know that if he chooses me he will blame me for it eventually,but you know what it would have been nice if he at least put up a fight and had stand up to his parents.Who says his familiy would be like this forever maybe after a while they would have realised what they had done and might have come around?It's difficult to say.

I know that if he chooses me he will blame me for it eventually,but you know what it would have been nice if he at least put up a fight and had stand up to his parents.Who says his familiy would be like this forever maybe after a while they would have realised what they had done and might have come around?It's difficult to say.__________________


Dolphin, I know how hard you have worked at this. I know how hard the distance was and I think I know how much you love him. I would have just as hard a time suddenly breaking off a relationship of that importance. So I think I sort of understand why you are still talking with him and trying to sort this all out in you head. Today's post is the first time I've heard any anger...this is GREAT!! YOU DID DESERVE HIM TO STAND UP TO HIS MOTHER AND FAMILY!! CULTURE OR NO CULTURE HE COMITTED HIMSELF THEN PULLED AWAY! HE DIDN'T EVEN TRY. IT HURTS AND HE NEEDS TO KNOW IT.

My advice is always a little different I think, but if I were in your shoes I would use this anger on the phone and let him know that you feel betrayed. Anger is part of grieving. As I said before, I think just dropping it doesn't let him know what he has done. Not proposing a trip to Turkey or a pet bunny stewing on his stove, so people, please don't bash me. :eek: I think there are two ways to end this. One would be as everyone else has suggested, just cut him off. The other would be to tell him off. I vote for the latter!

Rozie, I like your idea, tell him off and then cut him off! and then tuto finito! :D

Dolphin do it and get it over with, your agony is not letting you move on...

Be strong! :)

Don't beat me up over this but just the thought of letting go/cutting him off,scares me.I don't think I can do that right now.His phone calls are the only thing that are keeping me sane,in a weird way.
Went to my doctor yesterday and he said he's worried because I can't get over the sadness etc.He thinks that it would be a good idea if I talk to someone about it all.

Dolphin, I am with your doctor on this. I think it would be very helpful to see someone. I think its unrealistic to expect to weather this trauma in your life without a little outside help. You might also need a little boost in that serotonin level! But I want to clarify, I don't think you need to cut him off. I think just telling him off would be therapeutic!

Does he have ANY idea what you are going through? See, I think he needs to know!! This is sort of like an emotional rape and it ticks me off that he gets to walk away unscathed. I might be very wrong. He could be suffering as well, but if he is, then I think he might try to stand up for the relationship. Surely he knew that this is was the only possible ending given his family's belief system. So why in the heck did he even venture into this in the first place, if he wasn't going to even try with them? I feel like you were used!

Give me his phone number. I'll tell him off for you!:mad:

Ooh Rozie,I wish you could tell him off.I have tried to tell him how I'm feeling and what I'm goinf through but he doesn't want to hear it because then he also needs to think about things and feel them as well and he says if he does that he can't get though his army time.

Dolphin, honestly this guy sounds like a selfish clueless kind of person! Why do you want someone like this?? It seems that his feelings and trials are all important while your suffering takes a back burner. Stand up for yourself! Maybe you do need a temporary dose of an antidepressant to get you thru these next few weeks and to bolster your self-esteem. This guy has taken more than he has given and sucked you dry - no wonder you are so down! Yeah, give us his number; we'll tell him off for you!!

dolphin all of these things happen in God's universe for a reason, this relationship was not to teach you about love, you are trying to go against God on this one, God does not want you to be victimized, but He also knew that you character issues that were holding you back from being loved the way you were supposed to be.

this pain is your resistance to change. your body and heart and screaming at you that this is not good, yet your head is telling both your heart and head to shutup.

your whole existance is hanging on a thread and because there is not a lifeline on the other side you have a choice to make.

you cut the thread or you take the dive into hell.

i am prayin that you muster the strength from this lesson that life has thrown you and you start to see the bigger picture, on some fronts we have to be a master of our own destiny.

i assure you, after this you will never be a victim again, HOW DO I KNOW? because i was you, i wallowed in the pain for two years had a major car accident and could have been killed, because i thought i deserved different than what life dealt.

guess what, quess who rushed to my side the day of my accident, a young guy who i thought was a mere kid, i was not attracted to him, i liked him as a person but not a man, he was sweet but just a mere kid in my eyes.

he stayed with me three days. many months later when he professed his love for me, and so the story goes.

the guy was adam, my husband. life has something better for you and i will tell you this, adam has NEVER hurt me the way my exhusband did, this is over 5 years later and adam is incapable of doing anything but love me, i was given this huge gift, REAL LOVE and i was floored, had i not had the experience with my exhusband i am not so sure my life would taste as sweet as it does today.

i prayed alot the first two years after my divorce, i gave it to God, i crumbled and looking back, i was in rough shape but i am not anymore, i am strong and i am very confident, if a man loves you, he could no more hurt you than cut off his hand, leave this guy go, what you have described is not love.

Kittylane,thank you for your sweet words.

The whole problem is that I know it in my head/mind but my heart is shouting something else and they can't agree.

I know I keep repeating myself but just the thought of no contact can make me crazy.I sound desperate I know and that's exactly how I feel.I feel lost and not in control of my self and my emotions.

What a great post Kitty! Dolphin, she is absolutely right on this. There is a lesson in all this, but its not a lesson of love and sacrifice. The lesson is about YOU!! If we have to beat it into you, you are going to learn that you are stronger, more valuable and more deserving than you allow yourself to be!

My BF is, in many ways, an amazing man and for someone who has had as few relationships with women as he has, he often comes out with these gems of comments that make me believe he really gets it! He recently said "Rozie, you don't have to give anything to make me love you. You just have to exist, because you ARE the treasure." (or something like that...) One thing I think I have always missed in my life was unconditional love. I am finally finding that now with him and some incredible friends. It feels so great Dolphin and I would sooo like you to experience it....sadly, that is NOT what you are getting, but it IS what you deserve!!

His military service is important, but don't for a second believe that anything you say or do is going to endanger him any more than you would if he were a big rig truck driver. There are MANY jobs that can threaten life/protect life and require concentration and a clear head. He is using this as an excuse to avoid the REAL ISSUE (that he is a womanizing wimp) and then laying the blame at your feet. You need to kick this right back in his face! Its going to be as scary as walking into H....
but you CAN do it. I have no idea what he will do with what you say, whether he will end it for good or apologize or confess that he has another woman or sick his mother on you....no idea!! I do know what you are going to do though. You are going to feel ill, you are going to shake and cry, it will feellike the worst day of your life, but you are going to keep waking up, going to work, talking with those people who are closest to you, gathering support and you will move through it!

I know I keep repeating myself but just the thought of no contact can make me crazy.I sound desperate I know and that's exactly how I feel.I feel lost and not in control of my self and my emotions.

Don't even worry about that now. I am not saying to cut this off just yet. Just unload this pain!!

dolphin... sweetie... claim yourself! this is not who you are. let it all go...turn it over to your God.

dolphin, carpe diem.

you are responsible for making this choice. its going against your very body and heart and you have chosen to seize the day and live it in pain.

you know i pray when the crap hits the fan, i get real with God, i dont always feel great afterwards but i do get into a God zone.

in a God zone, God replaces everything else, including old boyfriends.

if this is not your thing, get help, go to the doctor and get medication, get counceling what you are describing is not good for you, i know it seems really hard to put one foot in front of the other, but you must.

find someone outside your boyfriend who will drive you to the doctors and find someone professional to talk to, your pain is not going to bring this guy back and even if he does come back, he would have to cut all ties with his family and it would hurt him, he needs to be free to experience life.

i promise the pain does leave but you MUST do something to help yourself.

His military service is important, but don't for a second believe that anything you say or do is going to endanger him any more than you would if he were a big rig truck driver. There are MANY jobs that can threaten life/protect life and require concentration and a clear head. He is using this as an excuse to avoid the REAL ISSUE (that he is a womanizing wimp) and then laying the blame at your feet. You need to kick this right back in his face! Its going to be as scary as walking into H....
but you CAN do it. I have no idea what he will do with what you say, whether he will end it for good or apologize or confess that he has another woman or sick his mother on you....no idea!! I do know what you are going to do though. You are going to feel ill, you are going to shake and cry, it will feellike the worst day of your life, but you are going to keep waking up, going to work, talking with those people who are closest to you, gathering support and you will move through it!

Rozie,what should I say then??
And Kittylane,I went to my doctor last Friday and he didn't give me any medications because I'n unstable and he's worried I might get addicted.I have to go back next week and then he will let me know if he thinks I need to go and see a counselor.

if you are unstable it most likely is something that can benefit from medication and its not something that should take a week, make a phone call to the doctor and tell him you cant wait till next week to talk to someone. by the very fact that you have gone to the doctor SHOWS that you are trying to move past your pain, celebrate that, it will get better, hang in there but it can only get better if you move past this and leave this behind you.

I agree with Kitty. The medications of which I think we are both speaking are not something that is "addictive", so I get the feeling your physician is just not comfortable with the initial evaluation of depression. Go elsewhere, but don't stop until you get some help, even if its to point you in the direction of a good therapist. Does your community have any crisis centers or emergency mental health centers where you could go to get some sort of referral or short term help?

As to what you say, I would recommend you tell him what you have told us. You let him know how betrayed you feel. You let him know that he has devasted you and your trust in men. You let him know that you are having trouble sleeping and eating. And you use that word "anger." "I am very angry with you and I can't forgive what you have done to me. You led me on. You let me believe that we had a future when you should have known all along that your family would reject you over this. You chose them over me without even trying to make this work. I think you pretended to love me so you could have sex. You pretended it was about my child when it was really about your family. You have been completely dishonest with me. I can no longer trust you. You hurt me deeply. If I can't trust you, there is really no longer any point in even speaking with you. What are YOU going to do about this?"

Dolphin, I can't give you a script. That is what I would say and in all liklihood that would probably end it. But, I would feel like there was no misunderstanding. I would feel like I had been heard!! See, this guy isn't listening to you; I don't see you getting to have any voice in this.

Make him own his part in all this Dolphin!

Last night he called and we had a 2 hour conversation.It was one of the best we hav ever had.He finally let me talk/cry/shout etc and he also expressed some emotions.
It's funny but most of the things you would have said Rozie I did say to him.He knows I have lost my trust in him and that it's going to take a long time for me to forgive him for what he has done to me.I told him how used I feel and that I question all the things he said/did/wrote etc.
And I do feel better after that and we even joked about things but letting go is not something we are able to do right now.
I know that somewhere in my head/heart I have a little bit of hope that things will be ok once he has finished his army time and we'll have a face to face meeting instead of doing everything by phone.
When I let my head speak it's saying that by talking to him he stays in a win-win situation.
Maybe be teling him to call me once every 2 weeks,what do you think?Would that also give him time to miss me etc??


You pretended it was about my child when it was really about your family.

Rozie,I don't have a child.Haha.

Last night he called and we had a 2 hour conversation.It was one of the best we hav ever had.He finally let me talk/cry/shout etc and he also expressed some emotions.
It's funny but most of the things you would have said Rozie I did say to him.He knows I have lost my trust in him and that it's going to take a long time for me to forgive him for what he has done to me.I told him how used I feel and that I question all the things he said/did/wrote etc.
And I do feel better after that and we even joked about things but letting go is not something we are able to do right now.
I know that somewhere in my head/heart I have a little bit of hope that things will be ok once he has finished his army time and we'll have a face to face meeting instead of doing everything by phone.
When I let my head speak it's saying that by talking to him he stays in a win-win situation.
Maybe be teling him to call me once every 2 weeks,what do you think?Would that also give him time to miss me etc??

Dolphin,

What is your plan? I have no doubt that he is going to miss you. None. However, will he walk away from his culture and all he has known? He's given you the indication that he will not. He's told you that he can't do it.

What is your plan if your dream does not come to life? Are you willing to spend another 11 months in limbo until you see him face to face knowing what you know now?

You are a sweet lady. Please think hard about these questions.

Rozie,I don't have a child.Haha.

What can I say in response? I really don't smoke crack? Sorry 'bout that; my goof!

i will show you one place where your problem is, as soon as you start to recognize the mistakes you are making, you are going to be stronger.

your second sentence....screams out to me.

"he finally let me talk/cry/shout".

Let? you have surrendered all control of your life over to him, he has not earned this trust because of his actions, this is not his fault entirely, he is being torn by his heritage and his duty to his family.

you can love someone enought to respect them, i suggest that you continue to love this person because, quite frankly you cant stop, but i would also suggest if you are serious about this person you start to treat this person with healthy RESPECT. by putting my husbands needs above my own, he noticed and he also fell very deeply in love with me, but this meant leaving him go, giving him options and telling him to follow his heart, i gave him complete freedom and still friendship and love, i could not help myself from loving him, but it was so pure that there is no way i could have stood in the way of his happiness.

if you are not willing to find a doctor to get medication, then find everything you can on what a healthy relationship is, because if he does a complete turn around and comes back to you tomorrow, you know that you are not equipped to handle things in a manner that is best for both of you, take the time to read, educate yourself, talk to couples who have had success in their marriages and take advice. be proactive in getting well, otherwise make the choice to stay where you are, hopefully it hurts too much to be where you are and you will make the changes.

Kitty,

I'm going to see my doctor on Tuesday and ask for some help.I really know I can't deal with it.

I have no idea where to start.The relationships I have had ended because the love was gone etc but this is so different.For both of us the love is still there and I don't know how to accept that it's over knowing that the love is still there.It doesn't make sense in my heart.

Pills are good!! HONK!! :p

hey dolphin,

I know I don't know much about life and maybe don't have that much experience, but right now I am in a similar position as you are. We talked together about this before so you know a little bit about my story. Right now the woman I love also don't want to fight for our "relationship" and made decisions I will always question and it will always make me wonder what it has been worth for such a long time. Every day I ask myself why and how. The pain is undescribable and in some ironic way just as undescribable as the love you feel.

What i want to say is that, just as you I fight for what we have or had every day with different results. I hold on or get hope by every positive thing she says or do. In the end, she stays with her decision and I am left hurt and heartbroken again. Be careful and think about your own health. I am stubborn and my naive way of being is wearing me down right now. I know it's hard to let it go as I can't let it go myself also and walk into it day in day out. From the little time we spent talking I know you're a woman with a big heart, don't let it get wasted. Find the strength and the will to overcome this, cause you deserve happiness and you deserve a great life. It's a long tunnel, but it has an end.

Lost,

Thank you for you post!

you are moving forward, keep the appointment for tuesday, put one foot in front of each other and dont let that doctor give you anything less then his full attention, be specific about your pain and also that you may need a referral to speak with a professional, do everything you can to be proactive in your health.

you will get past this, as hard as it is to believe.

Thanks Kittylane!

I have an appointment with a counselor on Oct 18,that was the first day she has time.
I'm still not coping too well.I wish I could say I'm feeling better but I'm not.

Dolphin,

Since you and Lost live in the same area of Europe, why don't you talk/meet up since you seem to be in similar places in your relationships? Maybe you can help each other to move forward.

Best,
Bub

I have an appointment with a counselor on Oct 18,that was the first day she has time.

Excellent! I know it seems like forever, but really that is a huge step in the right direction and meanwhile, you have us!! ;)

It seems like forever and now 5 weeks later since he ended our relatioship,I still feel the same.I wish I could say I'm feeling better but I don't.

Bugger that guy.

I know good sex is hard to find (if, in fact, he was), but was it really worth being enslaved by him, his family and his culture. Hell no. Plenty of other fabulous guys running 'round. Go get 'em.

He already has a new girlfriend.Someone he has known for a long time and they decided to hook up.
Can you believe that?And no it's not arranged by his parents,it's his own choice.

I am so sorry Dolphin......I know how much this must hurt. :(

My doctor gave me medication against depression.I can't believe he has moved on sooo fast and I'm still stuck and heartbroken.
How do I get to terms with this all?

I hope you have stopped talking to him altogether now, because thisconfirms in my mind that he lied to you. I see no reason to even consider him a friend now. I have been wondering about you Dolphin, and worrying. Glad that you are getting help. Now chop him totally out of your life and chalk it up to a lesson learned.

I'm afraid to say that I'm still talking to him,like once every week.
I can only say that it makes me still feel good when I talk to him.It seems like I'm still in denial about everything.Because it's too much to deal with.

Dolphin, don't you wonder that he may have had the woman (not just as friends but more than that) in his life while he was seeing you? Well, even if he did not, he does have another woman in his life now and it is time you move on!

Please dear, bring your pride to the table and tell him hasta la vista baby! But take good care of yourself, delite his numbers, now!

I know my words sound harsh but you must to take care of YOU!

Wish you the best, go on with your life... It is not fair to you that you continue to hold on to something that is not for you!

Please begin to smile :)

Thanks!!
I have no idea why but I just can't seem to let go of him.I never had that before and now I'm clinging on to him.I'm so desperate.

wow, Dolphin, I'm sorry to hear that you had to hear of a new girlfriend! What a slap in the face and exactly the reason you must cut off contact with this ***h0le. Talking with him is prolonging your suffering and keeping you from moving on - which you must do. He obviously does not want to be with you if he is telling you about his new girl. If I had any thoughts, no matter how small, of ever being with someone again, I would NEVER tell them I was involved with someone else! Everyone knows that is the death of a relationship and he is trying to tell you to let him go.

If you have read my thread on performance anxiety in sexually speaking, you will see that I have been through a recent ordeal that made me feel like **** also. You must hold onto your self-respect and move on and stop rationalizing all the bs. Believe me, I know it's hard as I'm dealing with feeling like a reject also, but we are not!

I have a 3rd dans black belt in tae kwon do and if I were there, I would happily kick his *** for you! Line em up cause I am in an ***-kicking mood this week thanks to X. Big hugs for you girl.

dolphin... i know you are hurting, and i am so sorry for you.
please, if i may, one question. what are you getting out of this interaction now with him? not the pat answer i still love him and want him back. what are you getting on a soul level if you will...what is the lesson you are learning?

I'll tell ya what you're learning...you're learning not to protect your self worth, which is by right, yours to protect. Its not his job to protect that for you...it is yours. You and only you are accountable for it. By keeping in contact with him you supplying your human side, the faulty side, the opportunity to get beaten down...someone once told me, don't go by self esteem, that's what the world tells you to be, your self worth is who God knows you to be. But if you don't believe in yourself, in that person whom God has known like in forever...you will always allow men to define who or what you are within yourself. And this is hard for women, we're more emotional than men are. We allow others to define us. We listen to those inner and outer labels. But we're not the labels that society says we are, if we could really reach inside ourselves we would see that we are truly the inspirations of tomorrow and therefore, we should be more cautious and be inspire to seek those guys who recognize us as such and would want to be around us because they are better people when they are around us.

Look, he's made his choice. Everyone is on his case but the truth of the matter is, it is his choice, why...because that's his family, why would he make it hard for himself with a woman who won't be accept, when there are so many women out there who will blend in so well that there will not be any problems with assimilation...I don't think I could over throw my family over a man either...we don't last a lifetime with our partners hardly...family is just as important as having someone and if you can't assimliate...it just doesn't carry over too well for me.

Again, there are just too many women for him to choose from to make his life harder then it needs to be. It is no reflection on you, if you were a part of that culture, well...he may not be paying much attention to you because of some ow he's meet...I would guess...but if you were everything he was looking for, I don't think even his family would've kept him away.

You were a person for the right now, but not to bring home to mother, its time to accept and get over it. Hard to say, but you weren't worth it to him to fight for and that's ok too. We're all are going to meet men and women who although we may love them, they're not going to be our side partners. Now you have to decide, what YOUR choices will be...are you going to let this guy define you to such an extend that its driving you to take pills (yak), that you know are not good for your body (which also is a Gift from your Father). Or are you going to take back your life, and live it according to God's plan, and not another, who has clearly shown, he doesn't deserve to be in charge of your 'self worth'. His stewardship skills really suck.

Paris

Beautifully spoken Paris.

I had a relationship that was hard to let go. I felt like I would die if this guy didn't take me back. Not having enough strength, to do what is best me, usually means that I am operating out of fear, in a 4 year old childs state of mind.

Somewhere in your childhood, you were, or FELT, abandoned by your caregiver (usually Mom or Dad). Fear grips us when we feel that. It is because, as a child we will die without a caregivers attention. You have allowed this guy to define who you are. Without him, you feel lost, I bet. That is because you have not yet totally defined and claimed who you are.

Until you know you.... it will be easy to get caught up with fantasies that others create for you.

Who would you be, if you had never met this guy? Can you put that down on paper, your strengths, your future desires, your likes and dislikes? It is a start.

Keep that counselor appointment. I bet you will really begin to find yourself and your STRENGTH, very soon. Good luck dearest heart.

Dolphin,

Listen to Iparis and Yellowrose. Their posts say it all. We have all have had to let go of something or someone in this lifetime. Now it is your turn, sadly.

Honor yourself enough to walk away from this man once and for all.

Best,
Bub

And sure, at the time, it feels better to talk to him than not at all....but in the LONG RUN, you are making the bad way you feel inbetween talking to him...last much longer than it would if you would just go through the pain of cutting him off.
You will heal much faster, and it is obvious you must heal. The hope is over of you and him having a life together.

Move on. Cut him off. He has told you about the other girl and like someone said, that shows he wants to be let go. He feels guilty as he should and so continues to give you some crumbs. Get some pride and reject those crumbs.

And know that while it may be tough to do it, your pain will end sooner than if you continue to talk to him. It is like a mosquito bite. Sure if feels good to scratch it. But that makes the itch last longer. So stop it.

Be good to yourself, continue getting your treatment, grieve the end of the relationship and then after a time of letting go, make yourself stay busy.

Thanks guys!I'm not at home right now but will re read your posts later and let you know how I'm doing.

My doctor gave me medication against depression.I can't believe he has moved on sooo fast and I'm still stuck and heartbroken.
How do I get to terms with this all?
Dolphin I dont know you babe but I wish I could halp you. Its so not worth your pain, I understand how you feel but stop taking stuff now before you become dependent on substances instead of this miserable excuse for a lover. Culture or not, he has no back-bone if his mummy controls his life, and as for finding another woman so quickly, just wish a super ***** on him and help yourself feel better. Get mean and get dirty about him to get over it quicker, stop being so darned nice.

I am also of the mind that medication is never a substitute for good therapy and correcting circumstances that need changing. However, while you are working on this with your counselor/therapist, I strongly encourage you to continue to take the medications that will smooth out these intense feelings and allow you to do life's work. I am assuming that these are antidepressants and not sedatives or narcotics and that you doctor is monitoring your usage. Isn't therapy starting this month?

Theraphy is starting Oct 18th.And yes I'm using antidepressants.I can handle the feelings.Í'm thinking about his 24/7.I can't sleep and I feel like I'm losing my mind.My doctor said the antidepressants will start to have effect after 2 weeks(next Tuesday).I have to go ans see him every 10 days so yes he is monitoring my usage.

umm don t know if this had been asked and answered but are u getting enough excersize??

Dolphin, try this to deal with the pain. (This is taken from Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now.)

Simply put, when the pain hits, stop. Let it in like a friend at the front door.Accept it. Don't dwell on reasons or specifics. Don't think about it. Just let it in, let it run through you. Experience it.

I would have never believed this could be such a powerful technique, but when I do this I feel better immediately. And this "better" feeling carries over and gets stronger the more I practice. I think that is because I've opened myself up. If you are blocking pain you are also blocking joy. It's all just energy.

Remember that God, the Universe, the Great Spirit or whatever you want to call it, has beautiful, wonderful, amazing things planned for you. You just have to be willing and ready to receive them.

My heart goes out to you in this trying time, but remind yourself you have something to learn, and a lot to gain from this. This is an opportunity for growth, and the pains you are feeling are growing pains.


Laurie

I went to see the counsellor last week.It was like a formal meeting.She wanted to know a little bit about me.My next meeting is Thursday.
I would love to say'I'm feeling better but I'm not.

I so wish there was some magical way to make you all better. Hang in there sweetie. Hopefully your new meds will help get you out of the yuckies. ((((HUG))))

Thanks!!
My meds aren't working so far.I've been on them for exactly 3 weeks now.

I went to see the counsellor last week.It was like a formal meeting.She wanted to know a little bit about me.My next meeting is Thursday.
I would love to say'I'm feeling better but I'm not.


I know that eventually you will feel better, Dolphin!

Too bad I can't give you a big Smoochie-Woochie. Be patient and this will get better. :)

Dear have you stopped all contact with your YM? If not maybe that is what it is still making it more difficult!

Hang in there, time heals all wounds!

perhaps start believing / stating to yourself you are healing and moving forward, even if you don't think so...then it becomes your reality.

an affirmation...

You are grieving, Dolphin. And you will get through the grief process in due time. Take it one day at a time, but do continue your meds. It often takes medications like that AT LEAST three weeks before they begin to take effect and sometimes the dosage requires adjustment.

*offers a hug* Hang in there hun! Even if time doesnt heal all wounds it certainly makes them less painful. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

We had a huge fight and he said he doesn't want to call anymore.I can't call him so I guess this is it.
I'm sooo scared he will never be in tough.

I don't want to sound cruel, but not hearing from him may be exactly what you need so you can heal and move on. When my ym was not totally honest with me about a girl he had started to see, I got angry, he got angry and we didn't communicate for 9 days. Then he sent me a text message saying he was sorry he hadn't contacted me but that he had been a brat (like I was). He said he hoped I wasn't angry with him and that if I wanted to call him, fine. If not, then he understood. I didn't really know what he meant by that, but I texted him back that I wasn't angry...just disappointed that he hadn't been honest with me. But I haven't called him and do not intend to. I miss him terribly, but unless he misses me, too, what good would it do to call him?
I know how hard this is....I WANT to talk to him but I think it is best to back off and see if he misses what he had with me. I am trying to hold onto my pride.
I know it feels like you are going to die...been there, done that. But...the world doesn't stop for our broken hearts...
Hugs to you and just ask for our assistance. We are all here to help you through this.

I miss him terribly, but unless he misses me, too, what good would it do to call him?

Great insight, kyrie....and yes, it feels like you're going to die of heartbreak....but no contact is truly the best way to heal faster. Continuing contact (because you think you'll shrivel up without hearing his voice) only creates drama as one or the other person tries to withdraw or create distance. Soon, there's anger, regret, etc. Better to just not talk again, heal, move on, and grow in dignity over how you got through it all.

Dolphin...keep going to therapy, it will start to help soon. When you get to the part that you are totally MAD at your ym for how it all ended, you will be closer to resolution. Anger is a neccessary part of the grieving process, and healthy. let it flow when you feel it.

You're going to make it, honey....take one day at a time.
Hugs,
Karen

Hey girlfriend, I've been following this thread with such distress. I understand you are depressed and I know you probably don't have the energy to do much. Meds take about 3-4 weeks to kick in. If you don't mind one tiny bit of advice ... try to do one positive thing for yourself every day ... even if it's just ironing a blouse ... eating something health supporting ... listening to a favorite song. Just one little thing, and yes, take one day at a time, and if that's too much, take one hour at a time, or even one minute at a time. A BIG HUG, Angel

I keep thinking about him 24/7 and I miss our talks/dreams etc.How do I get on with mt life without him being in it?

Like dunyamelek said, Dolphin....one minute at a time if that's what it takes. Just look at the clock and tell yourself you can get through the next hour..don't think beyond that. Eventually the hours will add up and you will make it through a morning or an afternoon and you will be proud of yourself. Try not to let him know how devastated you are because that just gives him more power over you and that power is what you need to get back. It has been really hard not to call my ym, but that's the way I do it. Just one day at a time. It will stop hurting, I promise you. "It just takes time" sounds trite....but it is true.

We are all behind you 100% and are here for you. I like what someone else here posted...getting mad will help. It did for me, at least. I don't know if my ym and I will talk in the future, but right now I know I am not strong enough to do it.

Dear Dolphin,

You posted your original message here over two months ago. I know you have struggled and I'm sorry.

You just have to make a decision to move forward in your life and stick to it. Keep on your meds and go to your counselor and when you start to think of him train yourself to stop. Put positive things in your life to lessen the negative things.

He doesn't care about you. It's done. Let it go even if it is a little at a time as others have suggested.

It's SO hard!And I know it's been 2 months but for me it feels like yesterday.Sorry if I keep going on and on.

dolphin... i know it takes time and each of us progress thru it differently. you have taken some steps to move forward, medication and counseling.

your life has never revolved completely around him. take steps to reclaim yourself, who you are, who you were before him.
he has ended it. he is not coming back. would you even want someone in your life who did not have the courage to stay beside you? he has made his choice. you have to accept that...pining will not bring anything back to how it was. it is over. your pain will heal when you stop picking at the scab.

at one point in these past 2 months, you did start to show some anger. get there again! listen girl...he is not worthy, but you still allow him power over you.

might i suggest to not get mad but GET BUSY????? if you're busy focusing on something other than yourself you'll probably move past this faster..... maybe volunteer somplace???? big sister/big brother???? meals on wheels??? reading at an afterschool program???? and are u excersizing?????? and why are u giving this guy SO MUCH POWER ????

Sorry Dolphin, but it seems you are NOT putting the effort dear! Get out, do things, have fun (as best as you can) keep busy...

YOU are the only one that has control over YOUR life, so grab the day!

I ask you, do you want to continue to be in agony?

I know I am being harsh, but you are a young beautiful, woman that has the whole world ahead of you, so go for it!

It is all up to you!

breakup/divorce...recovery is similar. article was on MSN...hope it helps dolphin. you keep asking how to get over it.



Beat the post-divorce blues
By Margot Carmichael Lester

It’s normal to be depressed after the end of a relationship. What’s not normal is giving up on having a social life at all, not getting out of bed in the morning, or living the life of a recluse. While it’s important to honor the grief process, it’s crucial that you keep the blues in check.

“Depression is a natural part of the grief cycle that people experience as a result of the loss of an important relationship,” explains Jennifer Coleman, a life transition coach at Rosen Law Firm in Raleigh, NC. “People reflect on what they are missing, experience feelings of sadness and loneliness, perhaps even self-doubt, and question whether they were ever truly loved or whether they will be loved in the future.”

For most people, the depression lifts naturally. But for others, it’s tougher to beat the blues. Coleman says it’s much harder to overcome post-divorce depression when you:
Can’t focus on the future and instead become stuck in reliving the past and acting out a conversation with yourself about what went wrong.
Don’t define yourself in new ways and instead see yourself as only part of a person (defining yourself by the old relationship).
So here’s wise advice on how to snap out of that mindset and move forward.
Make time. Allow yourself some time each day to do the work of “getting over it,” Coleman notes. “This might include private time to find expression for your worst thoughts, time to vent with friends about your sadness and frustration, time to go for a walk and notice all the little things around you that you don’t always notice or time to invest in an activity you truly enjoy.”


Don’t withdraw, engage. “The easiest way to accomplish this is by scheduling at least three pleasant or reinforcing activities each day,” counsels Andrea Macari, a New York-based Ph.D. in clinical psychology. “Examples might include engaging in a hobby, having lunch with a close friend, or even indulging in an ice cream sundae. By making a proactive attempt at increasing the enjoyment in their daily lives, they will slowly re-engage with the world and their depressive symptoms will decrease.”


Accentuate the positive. Start looking for good things that you got from your marriage or will come from your divorce. “I wrote down a bunch of positive results from my divorce on scraps of paper,” recalls Tom Meisner of New York. “Everything from having a second chance at love or learning how to scuba dive (something my ex loved) to funny things like not having to share that tiny bathroom again or being able to get a dog (my ex was allergic). I put the scraps in a box and whenever I felt bad, I pulled one or two out. It was simple, but it helped me put things in perspective.”


Create a nurturing environment. “My friends made sure I was taking care of myself,” says Sonja West of Sarasota, FL. “We took a healthy cooking class together, went on weekly fitness walks and even had a couple of spa getaways. We also repainted my apartment and went to yard sales for cheap new furniture. They also helped make sure I got enough sleep—but not too much.”


Consider additional support. Friends and family are crucial during this time, but you might want to get additional support to help you deal with complicated or extremely painful feelings. A mental health professional can help point out distorted or negative thoughts exacerbating your depression. “A psychologist can help guide the individual back into the world,” Macari notes. “It’s the equivalent of having your own personal cheerleading team and coach wrapped up in one highly educated person.” Ask your doctor for a referral to a qualified professional. You might also consider seeking counsel from your religious leader.
Following these tips will help you deal with the natural feelings accompanying your divorce so you can get ready for a better relationship the next time around.

North Carolina-based writer Margot Carmichael Lester’s advice appears in the anthologies How to Survive Your Marriage and How to Survive Your Divorce (Hundreds of Heads Books).

It's SO hard!And I know it's been 2 months but for me it feels like yesterday.Sorry if I keep going on and on.

Dolphin, it took me 10+ months to feel whole again...but each day/week that went by, it got better. I went to therapy (and cried my eyes out), I woke up in the middle of the night (and cried my eyes out), I lost weight....it all sucked. But as soon as I started ADDING things into my life (friends, classes, hobbies) that didn't involve him or our past together, a new me emerged (one I like so much better), and it was so much easier to move on.

Dolphin, it took me 10+ months to feel whole again...but each day/week that went by, it got better. I went to therapy (and cried my eyes out), I woke up in the middle of the night (and cried my eyes out), I lost weight....it all sucked. But as soon as I started ADDING things into my life (friends, classes, hobbies) that didn't involve him or our past together, a new me emerged (one I like so much better), and it was so much easier to move on.

Thanks!
I am going out and doing things for me but so many things remind me of him/us and our future plans.
I work at the airport and boarding flights to Turkey are a constant reminder.That hurts and I feel very sad and alone.
I cry everyday and I don't know how to get rid off those feelings.

not to sound trite ( i ve been there) but find ANOTHER GUY!

Don't want to think about that now.