What do you make of this?

Since I've decided not to make demands or put pressure on my VYM, I'm turning to you to shed some light on his behaviour. Hope you don't mind.

I've always thought there wasn't such a thing as over-confident people. Just different ways of dealing with lack of confidence. But with my vym, I'm not sure at all. I'm not a confident person and will only be proud of myself if I'm perfect. Anything less is not worth mentioning - something to do with my upbringing and relationship with my late father. But this is not about me.

I'm virtually shocked when I hear my vym bragging about how great he is at this and how good he is at that, and how good looking he is, and how everyone loves him. It's usually true tho nothing 'I' would brag about. He IS loved by most people as he is very charming and cute and can win people over with just one word.

When you get to know him tho, he's a bit of a control freak. Tells his mother and older brother what to do in no uncertain terms and always gets what he wants. He's been doing this with me too lately and because I don't want to loose him, I comply (and also because I'm dominant myself but hate when I can dominate men - need them to be more dominant than me).

So, would you say he is over-confident or it's just a facade to hide his insecurities? In this light, would you say his sometimes harsh words and belittling me are a way to test my feelings for him or just total disrespect?

Well, I think belittling is never OK. As I posted in another thread, it is a sign of contempt. Belittling is not the same as telling some one what you want or expect of them. Belittling is not arguing. Belittling is throwing someone's short comings back in their face. It devalues you. Now as to his motives, its really hard to say. You raise a possibility, that he is testing you. Ask him this!

My BF is also very confident in many ways. Can't say it is overconfidence, because what he brags about is all accurate stuff. He does his bragging in a tongue in cheek sort of way (he really is a funny guy) and he does love to argue (he accuses me of the same..lol.) But is it not done in a way that makes me or his friends feel embarrassed or ashamed or hurt. (An exception is if he is really angry and wants to take someone down a notch with his acid tongue, he will, but even then, there is no question as to motives.)

Hi Rozie and thank you for your answer.

I mentioned my father in my thread. He used to belittle my mother (and me when I started having a mind of my own) all the time and she just had him on a pedestal and adored him until she realised she was also allowed respect. They nearly split up but finally came to an understanding. However, he was so vulnerable suddenly. Belittling the ones he loved was his only way to feel better about himself. He too was VERY insecure.

I guess it is a pattern that I should feel attracted to someone who does the same as my father - altho I'm not sure the reasons behind it are the same. I agree it's not very nice but now that my father died, I wish I would have understood him better rather than just resent him.

My vym is also doing the bragging with tongue in cheek - only I'm not used to this.

I don't want to ask him why he's teasing me like that just yet. Our friendship isn't strong enough and he just can't communicate his feelings easily. I will when I feel I won't lose him over it.

This behavior is rude and the reason does not matter! Why do we women need to make excuses and "understand" bad behavior with men?? Who cares why he does it, it is rude and he needs to stop. Instead of tolerating it, why not look him in the eye and say something like "wow - do you want me to be impressed??" with a big smile the next time he does it? Say it not as a put down or sarcastically, but with so much enthusiam that it takes him back a notch. Make him think "what??" This shows him you really are not impressed and may embarass him a little - which he should be!
Stop worrying so much about pleasing him and being "nice so he will like me", because as a man, if he doesn't respect you, the relationship will not last. He will grow to view you with contempt and take what he needs leaving you with the crumbs! Is he testing you? Of course he is - everything we humans do in relationships is a test, esp. in the beginning. So stop being a doormat desperate for his affection unless you want him to tire of you very quickly. He was attracted to you for being the strong, independent older woman that you are - remember that. Read the post titled "Cardinal rules for vym relationships" there is much good advice there: here is an excerpt -

"you can't make excuses for lousy behaviour by saying he's just young. Bad treatment is bad treatment no matter what age someone is

You have the right to be treated just as well as you'd expect to be treated by someone your own age.

You have the right to be treated, like he'd expect to treat someone HIS own age.

I see soooo often women come here and, "well, I let things slide, he's young." whether it's cheating, drinking, borrowing money, whatever. If someone his own age wouldn't put up with it, neither should you.

I'd hope by this age, women would have enough sense to expect respect and tenderness, not somehow belittle themselves into thinking they deserve ill treatment."

Hi Louisianagirl,

You're right, of course. I am a strong person unless I'm in love and it is probably the strong part of me he quite liked from the beginning. But I've been playing the scenario you gave me as an example and I just don't see how I'm going to say something like this without sounding desperate. Will have to find another way, which is more "me".

Thanks for the exerpts too. They're spot on. Phew, next time I feel he lacks respect, I will tell him so at least. If he doens't like it and turns his back on me, then I'll know I was holding onto something that was doomed before it actually took off. And I guess the age-gap will have got nothing to do in this. :(

I am the same way: it is so easy to lose your bearings when you are so attracted to someone! It is really hard to step back and think things through. I learned the hard way in my last relationship. I made excuses for him all over the place: he's just young, he's scared, he's been hurt...blah blah blah. My self-respect suffered greatly with him, but I did learn a lot! When you command respect from a man, he will either give it and love you more for it or he will walk away. If he walks away, count your blessings for he has saved you from further pain! Often times, when a woman shows that she won't settle for less, a man on the fence in regards to his feelings for her and the relationship will start to view her in a new light and decide that she is the one for him. But either way, you win. Keep your head up always and command that respect girl!!

Quote: I hear my vym bragging about how great he is at this and how good he is at that, and how good looking he is, and how everyone loves him. This isn't confidence. This is called conceited!! And the control freak aspect actually makes him dangerous, in a bad way!! Think about it.

I agreed with the previous posts that you cannot write bad behaviour off to age. Borrowing money, blowing off work, not helping around the house, bossing you around or talking down to you etc. BUT as the mother of 3 sons some of the arrogant, hey aren't i the hottest thing around stuff IS age based. He is 19 years old. He is male but in MY opinion, not yet a man. It takes a few knocks around and some more experience with life to get him more stable and based within his own personality.

I know a lot of the people that post here don't like to equate anything with the age differences in our relationships but i think anyone who reads some of these posts, and has their own teenage or young adult sons can see some of the similarities in behavior.

Yep agreed!! They call them PUNKS!!

Since I've decided not to make demands or put pressure on my VYM, I'm turning to you to shed some light on his behaviour. Hope you don't mind.

I've always thought there wasn't such a thing as over-confident people. Just different ways of dealing with lack of confidence. But with my vym, I'm not sure at all. I'm not a confident person and will only be proud of myself if I'm perfect. Anything less is not worth mentioning - something to do with my upbringing and relationship with my late father. But this is not about me.

I'm virtually shocked when I hear my vym bragging about how great he is at this and how good he is at that, and how good looking he is, and how everyone loves him. It's usually true tho nothing 'I' would brag about. He IS loved by most people as he is very charming and cute and can win people over with just one word.

When you get to know him tho, he's a bit of a control freak. Tells his mother and older brother what to do in no uncertain terms and always gets what he wants. He's been doing this with me too lately and because I don't want to loose him, I comply (and also because I'm dominant myself but hate when I can dominate men - need them to be more dominant than me).

So, would you say he is over-confident or it's just a facade to hide his insecurities? In this light, would you say his sometimes harsh words and belittling me are a way to test my feelings for him or just total disrespect?

Hi enamour,

Are you dating the ym I have a "thing" for???:eek:

Just kidding of course!:p

The guy I know is 32, and sometimes says things that make him sound very conceited. It is a real turn-off. However, as I have gotten to know him a bit better, I have actually wondered too, if it really had more to do with insecurities. I still don't know.

He does respond wonderfully to all the positive verbilization I give him. His compliments to me are few, but when he does say something particularly nice, it means alot.

The man I know has also behaved in ways that come across to me as a bit "controlling". He "draws me in" and then "pushes me away". I don't actually know what to make of it. I just give him alot of space.

He has never belittled me, but ocassionally, he too, will make rude or hurtful comments Knowing him a bit better now, and having mentioned it to him, I believe he is just teasing, which is how I tend to take it anyway. As fabulous as I am, he'd have to be teasing!!!:D

My big problem is that I spent most of my marriage trying to "tune out" the hurtful, critical things my ex often said. Sometimes, the words don't even register now until well after they've been spoken. I'm trying to get better at listening and gently responding when needed, usually with humor, which seems to work well.

I'm not overly sensitive or anything, I think he just doesn't realize how negative his words can sometimes be. He seemed sincerely shocked when I mentioned about him sometimes hurting my feelings, and actually wanted to talk about it.

Like you, I'm interested to see some ideas on these behaviors.

I agreed with the previous posts that you cannot write bad behaviour off to age. Borrowing money, blowing off work, not helping around the house, bossing you around or talking down to you etc. BUT as the mother of 3 sons some of the arrogant, hey aren't i the hottest thing around stuff IS age based. He is 19 years old. He is male but in MY opinion, not yet a man. It takes a few knocks around and some more experience with life to get him more stable and based within his own personality.

I know a lot of the people that post here don't like to equate anything with the age differences in our relationships but i think anyone who reads some of these posts, and has their own teenage or young adult sons can see some of the similarities in behavior.

I think christie has a great point! I have two son's ages 20 and 22. They and a lot of their friends have this confident attitude some are down right coincided LOL. I have a theory that young men start out with an over abundance of self confidence because the world is going to knock a lot of it out of them and they need to start with more than enough. So I think this is normal vym behavior.

As for being controlling or rude. That is unacceptable at any age. And louisianagirl makes a great argument for nipping it in the bud. If you do not keep his respect you will most likely lose him and worse your respect for yourself.

enamor, you are a treasure don't let him forget that, good luck.

Do not take conceit too seriously. It is most likely a joke. When my bf and I play cards or chess and I beat him 2 out of 3, he will say that he beat me in all 3 games and will chant USA! USA! and wave his flag. Regarding putdowns, test the situation a bit finding something to put him down about. Nothing too close to home though, maybe tease him about his hair or his feet or whatever. Never try to hurt.

If his putdowns really hurt you, you must tell him.

Life for YM in a OW/YM relationship must be a bit tough too. They also have ears and hear things like boytoy, weirdo, wimp. These things float in the air around us, coming from friends and society. They try to compensate by always striving for the upper hand but it is hard to strike a balance.

Let me tell you, OW/YM relationships are not for the weak, the insecure or the faint of heart.

I think Christie is absolutely right on this! I remember my son's cell phone message at 18, "Hello, I am God. God is not in right now......." This is a case where age makes a difference, but you don't have to allow it if you find it hurtful.

lol at the voicemail message... my 20 yr old daughter had one on her phone last year that said something about how she was Supergirl and was busy out saving the world at the moment... so please leave a message ;)

I agreed with the previous posts that you cannot write bad behaviour off to age. Borrowing money, blowing off work, not helping around the house, bossing you around or talking down to you etc. BUT as the mother of 3 sons some of the arrogant, hey aren't i the hottest thing around stuff IS age based. He is 19 years old. He is male but in MY opinion, not yet a man. It takes a few knocks around and some more experience with life to get him more stable and based within his own personality.

Thank you for this christie. Think you may be right there. He does lack maturity - altho he hid that well at first. The more I get to know him, the more I realise that. Doesn't change how I feel about him as the part of him that is becoming a man is the part I fell in love with.

Hi enamour,

Are you dating the ym I have a "thing" for???:eek:

Just kidding of course!:p

The guy I know is 32, and sometimes says things that make him sound very conceited. It is a real turn-off. However, as I have gotten to know him a bit better, I have actually wondered too, if it really had more to do with insecurities. I still don't know.

Actually, I'm not even dating my vym. We kind of agreed to stay friends for now. He told me he didn't know what he wanted and I now know he's not ready for a relationship and may never be ready for an age-gap one. Interesting that a 32 year old should still be like that. Wonder if my vym would still be the same in 12 years time? I guess from the posts above it will depend from what life throws at him.

This said, I'm very happy that for the past two days he's been rather sweet with me. He did once yesterday tell me to do something and I answered he had to ask nicely if he wanted me to do something - must say his mother and brother were there so I wasn't going to let them see how much control he has over me. He did ask. But he hasn't said one thing to hurt me in two days and I'm ready for when/if he does.

wait how old is he??

Being French speaking, I sometimes miss the subtleties of the English language. Anyway, if it's straight question, the answer is he's 19 - will be 20 later this year.

Thank you for this christie. Think you may be right there. He does lack maturity - altho he hid that well at first. The more I get to know him, the more I realise that. Doesn't change how I feel about him as the part of him that is becoming a man is the part I fell in love with.



Actually, I'm not even dating my vym. We kind of agreed to stay friends for now. He told me he didn't know what he wanted and I now know he's not ready for a relationship and may never be ready for an age-gap one. Interesting that a 32 year old should still be like that. Wonder if my vym would still be the same in 12 years time? I guess from the posts above it will depend from what life throws at him.

This said, I'm very happy that for the past two days he's been rather sweet with me. He did once yesterday tell me to do something and I answered he had to ask nicely if he wanted me to do something - must say his mother and brother were there so I wasn't going to let them see how much control he has over me. He did ask. But he hasn't said one thing to hurt me in two days and I'm ready for when/if he does.


Hi Enamour,

I know, it sound pathetic that a man of 32 would act this way. The reality is, he has spent the majority of his life with his father. Works at and will eventually buy the family business. He lives in a small rural town, and really has not had much social interaction, and few girlfriends. The whole focus of his life has been work. Even now, he works 6 days a week, 10+ hours a day.

What I had to realize is that -- he is not me. His whole life experience is so much different than mine. He has lived a very traditional life, sheltered in a way, and can be very closed-minded. Nothing about my life was traditional! It makes for some interesting interaction!

Though he can be very selfish, there is nothing about him that is deliberately mean, and I believe he has a "good heart". The bigger problem for me, as I mentioned in my previous post, is my behavior. I'm the one that built the fences around my heart -- time to pull 'em down.

Have agreat weekend!!:)

~~And then today, me still in bed nursing a BAD hangover...

...and he...

...leaves work and comes home to check and make sure I'm OK.:)

(We share a duplex, each in our own place.) And this is why I am able to see him for the wonderful human being he is, instead of writing him off when his behavior is less sweet.

to come and check on you Shirl.

From what you say, he's got pretty much the same kind of life my vym has - working next door to his parents' place where he stays, at least 10 hours (often more) a day 6 and a half days a week... Hardly goes out, never had time to socialise and we both live in a rural area (I'm up the road).

to come and check on you Shirl.

From what you say, he's got pretty much the same kind of life my vym has - working next door to his parents' place where he stays, at least 10 hours (often more) a day 6 and a half days a week... Hardly goes out, never had time to socialise and we both live in a rural area (I'm up the road).


Hi enamour,

It was v-e-r-y sweet for him to check, and give me aspirin, and not hassle me about going out and getting ****faced! Or, was he just checking to make sure I didn't have company???!!!:D

Actually, we have made great strides since I last posted about him...which I'll describe in a separate thread. It was nice you posted! Thanks!:)