"Unsolveable" problems anyone?

Earlier this week, my man and I went to the first session of our 6-week workshop series on "Couples Communication Skills" with 9 other couples in our group. The group leader emphasized that it would be a skills workshop, NOT a replacement for therapy.

At that point, one woman asked, "What if at the end of the 6 weeks, we still have problems that we haven't been able to solve?"

The leader said she could then give referrals for private intensive counseling. HOWEVER, she also added something very interesting. She said studies have shown that -- in addition to using good communication skills -- the really successful long-term couples have also learned to live with "unsolveable" problems... not merely some little thing, but a really big serious issue the couple can't agree on, yet nonetheless they live with it AND (most important) they continue to examine it and have discussions about it.

Do any of you in LTRs find this to be true? Do you have really serious problems you can't solve... yet they're not deal-breakers?

interesting question!
in this marriage, i can think of no unresolved issues... we talk stuff to death, and a compromise happens.

in the 2nd marriage... my daughters and parents were an issue. although i could understand where he was coming from and he was "fair" to my daughters...there were things that i could not forgive or forget. at one point i was asked to choose between my daughters and him. counseling really didn't help us, and over time i decided to end the marriage.

the first...good riddance!

anyways...i i really think if there is a big issue, and its unsolveable, it is going to be a deal breaker. maybe not that day, but it festers... why live with something every day that is against who you are, what you stand for??

I'm not sure if this is what you mean...but....

Alec and I's issue is children.

He doesn't want them. I do want them...eventually.

Neither of us are set in stone...and instead of analyzing the issue to death...we kind of set it out on the back burner...and everyonce in a while check in on it...stir it around...talk about it....and let it be.

And that works for us...because we both know that it's not something we need to be worrying to death at this very moment.

Nadine.

MY husband and I don't really have any unsolvable issues between us.besides his son... my stepson.... we always put them all right out there on the table and try to make sense out of them.. we usually fight and yell lol then we get over that and talk and move on and start all over :)

The only issue in our relationship that we DON'T talk about really is his son... . we have very bad blood together and my hubby and I can't discuss him because it makes me angry LOL.... There are lots of issues and we just can't see eye to eye or discuss it so we just don't....

In a way, I disagree with that counselor. I mean, I think you CAN have a very big difference with someone, but you have to know that going into the relationship if you choose to deepen it, and accept that it IS a big difference, but if you love someone and know this big elephant exists and want to go for it anyway, well, it might be a challenge, but it might not be a deal breaker.

Where I don't agree with her is that it's good to bring it out continuously and beat it to death. Like Mer said, the "big difference" she has in her marriage just isn't spoken about. That creates more harmony in the long run I beleive, because probably no one is ever going to agree about it, so why torture yourselves?

Conversely, there are issues that it would be harmful to one or the other person if it was NEVER discussed. For example, I can think of one big difference my YM and I had, and that's our spirituality. He's an aethiest, and I'm not. When we first discussed our beliefs, he was annoyed and was a bit caustic about my beliefs. So I quit talking about any of the things I believed in, and I quit making comments that even infered any of my belief system. This ultimately was not good for me, and caused me to fragment a part of myself to maintain the relationship.

As with most things, I don't think there's a "one size fits all."

Yes, I can definately see the wisdom is leaving certain issues alone, whether they're deemed `unsolvable' or they're just going to take a long time to solve.

I love talking things through with my partner, but I am just as happy to avoid certain topics if there is no immediate solution. I agree kat..why beat an unresolvable issue to death? it just creates bad feelings.

The only explanation I can think of for the lady's advice is that perhaps she meant that its good to keep the lines of communication open, rather than completely bury a problem and let it fester and cause underlying tension in the relationship?

The only explanation I can think of for the lady's advice is that perhaps she meant that its good to keep the lines of communication open, rather than completely bury a problem and let it fester and cause underlying tension in the relationship?

Yes, that's what she meant, I believe, at least that's how I interpreted her comment. She did not say beat it to death, or anything that would be interpreted as such. She only said that studies have shown that successful couples having healthy long-term relationships are characterized by recognition of unsolveable problems YET communication about the problem continues to take place.

I think that unsolvevable problems that seem bearable at present have two paths to follow:
they either become deal-breakers even after decades of being bearable (as in my marriage) or they stop being problems and become just a fact of life. There is really no way to know which way this will take. That is because we keep changing and growing at different paces and in different directions and at one point this change will bring us closer to or farther apart from our partner.

I think that sometimes, people need to differentiate between an issue that [I]needs[I] to be solved and an issue that can simply exist without killing the relationship. Frequently, people run into an "unsolvable" issue and make it the focal point of the relationship, when in reality, it is our partner who we should make the focal point. Heck, we're all in an age gap relationship here! Age is an issue in our relationships, and be it for good or for bad, it will never go away. None of us can "solve" the age difference. Yet rather than being a dividing wedge, it is simply a fact of life. Love, commitment, and communication cover a great many things.

DanE

I think in any lasting relationship, there are going to be times when you just have to agree to disagree. The important thing is to define your boundaries and then (in the early stages), if the relationship is worth it to both parties, agree to honor them.

An example in my own marriage: Tim is a fairly heavy smoker. I am not, nor have I ever been. For some, this would definitely be a deal-breaker (completely understandable); I decided that, as long as he agrees to smoke outside -- and brush his teeth often -- I can live with the smoking.

I can easily see the same foundation in many of my friendships when it comes to the subject of religion. No surprise to anyone here that my walk as a Christian is very important to me. I have to either accept that not everyone I care about is going to make the same faith choice that I do... or I can walk away from the friendship. Regardless of our differences in belief systems, I still love my non-Christian friends dearly and, to walk away from those friendships because we disagree on this topic, is unthinkable to me.

This topic reminds me of babes66's signature line. It says something like, "If it were easy, everybody'd be doing it" which I think is very true about long-lasting relationships.

I agree with the counselor. People can have BIG, unsolvable issues that they learn to live with. Robin and I have a couple. It isn't that I don't believe I can do "better" than him, or find someone more "suitable"...it's that I want HIM. I'm commited to HIM. I want to be. He wants to be. There are a couple of things about eachother that make each of us cringe, things that neither of us can change, but the other 98% of eachother is irresistable! :)

Robin's biggest beef with me is that I'm completely unorganized. Completely. My life is chaos. My bills, my work schedule, my kids...all chaos! He can't stand that. He's so organized it's almost compulsive. After 7 years and a 6-month break up, he's decided he's just going to live with it, and maybe one day when the kids grow up and move out, he can get me organized!

My biggest beef with Robin is his lack of steady work. We've fought tooth and nail about it. After 7 years and a 6-month break up, I've decided I'm going to live with it. As long as he brings in enough to support himself, and does everything I need him to around the house, I'm going to live with it. Maybe after we've been in therapy awhile (been in 3 months now) he'll figure out what he needs to, to get more work. Either way, my life is better when he's in it. He WANTS to fully provide for me, and I believe some day he'll get there. :)

Being in a long term relationship means that eventually, you're inevitably going to dissappoint eachother in a big way. It can't be helped. People who love eachother also expect big things from eachother. Sometimes these things are realistic, sometimes they're out of the other person's capability. That's why communication is such a key thing. That's why really LISTENING to someone, really HEARING what they're saying, is half the battle.

Any man who allows my fat raccoon to sleep with us, is a diamond among pebbles in my book! :D

Yup, I think "unsolveable" problems or differences are quite often a matter of opinion or attitude at a given time, and sometimes we realize that they are actually something that isn't a problem.

Our 18 year age gap would have been an unresolvable issue to me 5 years ago - it's a non-issue now though. We have other differences too around our future and where and how we see it going, but we also both agree that in the greater scheme of things, these things don't really matter. Our love is more important, and we're both determined to do what we can in order to protect and nurture it.

If you're aligned as a team, work together, and have similar core values and outlooks on life, I think that alot of problems can be resolved over time.

Unsolvable problems are a feature of the young. I don't know where the turning point came for me, but there just are no unsolvable problems anymore. THe problems that I may have had in the past just don't bother me anymore. I guess you could say I have developed a degree of apathy toward problems. Its only a problem if you make it one, and I just have no interest in making problems. "thats fine", or "yes dear" is my answer to most problems nowadays. I am not sure if it is a good thing or a bad thing, but we live in two different universes that happen to touch, take that how you wish...

That being said, there ARE some unacceptable actions that would be instant deal breakers (maybe/probably), bringing home an STD or some such equivalent action, you get the idea, no murdering, no cheating (that I know about), etc...

Being in a long term relationship means that eventually, you're inevitably going to dissappoint eachother in a big way. It can't be helped. People who love eachother also expect big things from eachother. Sometimes these things are realistic, sometimes they're out of the other person's capability. That's why communication is such a key thing. That's why really LISTENING to someone, really HEARING what they're saying, is half the battle.


You're a smart cookie, Polly!