Money issues

I have a relationship with a YM, we live joint. he does not contribute to the house. I love him and he loves me but I get tired of paying for all home expenses and he only pay for some food and fun in unique times. He makes little money that is why. Do you break just because of money<<<<<:confused: :confused: :confused:

The two most common reasons why most relationships break up no matter what the ages are money and sex, I do believe. For me the fact that I was tired of four kids and not my real three, due to my ex not keeping a job, made me fall out of love with him, and I vowed to myself that I would never let me get into another situation such as that one.

So IHMO opinion, I would say YES!

This has been an issue with us for SEVEN YEARS!!! We DID break up because of it, for six months, and we were both miserable, so we got back together and are now in family therapy (with my two kids).

Money will break up a relationship faster than Paris Hilton can change shoes.

I say, if you two love eachother, go to a counselor to figure this out. Most ym don't have the earning power of their ow girlfriends/wives. They're not happy about it either. They WANT to provide for us, they just don't know how. A counselor will help them figure that out.

It's hard on an ow/ym relationship when you have to sacrifice financially to be with your ym, but look at it this way. If you had a man who made more money, but you WEREN'T attracted to him or he was somehow sexually dysfunctional, or you just didn't have much in common with him, would that be any better? Money doesn't always make life better, (although it sure as Hell HELPS!!!)

My dad always told me that even though I make more than Robin now, he'll be supporting me after I retire, so it equals out! :)

Hibiscus, I did a search to see if I could find more history. I found your very first post here, from back in December. In it you said that if he came to live with you, he would be contributing to your expenses so would not be a financial burden to you.

Part of the problem you feel is that he let you down, maybe? I personally would sit him down and tell him that you are not a sugar momma. You are very happy to have him live with you, but it is time for him to do his share. I know he can't do the same as you, but there should be a percentage of his pay going to his own support.

Is he going to school? Has he made plans to stay there permanantly? You don't have to support someone just because you love them, if they aren't trying to do what they can do.

Does he have any clue of what your household expenses are? I'd add up what it costs extra to have him there in food, extra utilities, water, what ever the higher costs are, and then let him know you expect at least that much.

I told David before we ever moved in together, that I wasn't going to take on another person to support. I didn't expect him to support me and my daughter, but I certainly didn't expect to have to support him either.

There is no bigger issue in relationships than money. I recently read about a survey on divorce & the number one reason for divorce (in this survey) was found to be money.

You need to get this sorted out. I do not believe that it is right to financially support a YM. I also believe that many of them will take advantage of this until the OW puts a stop to it. In my country it is very possible for YM to earn equal to a woman with an established career in fact in many cases they can easily earn more as long as they are prepared to work hard and odd hours.... which many YM will not do. I have noticed that many YM think they are entitled to their "ideal" job which the OW knows is not the case..... most of us have had to work through a number of jobs in order to find our niche.

You say he doesn't earn much. Does he have a full time job? What kind of work does he do? Is he prepared to do menial jobs in an effort to contribute towards the household?

My YM & earn similar money, we have been together 17 months & are now living together and paying off our home equally. All household expenses are shared. This was not always the case. He was initially happy for me to prop him up financially whenever he felt the need. We were not living together but he stayed over often. He would buy groceries every now and then and pay for some outings. After about 6 months I just stopped doing it and suddenly his true self came out. He is actually very good with money, he got a better job and is much happier. We have a joint bank account that actually has savings in it and we are always working towards the next thing we want to purchase together.

I know some will disagree with me and say its OK to financially support a YM, but if you are not happy with the situation you must speak up

I like what Bella said and I completely AGree with her...

I think you should definatly discuss this to him and let him know that a relationship is 50/50... If you make more than him thats ok.. so maybe you pay alittle more but you both have to contribute in some way......

Honestly, I wouldn't pay for everything... Is he working? what is he doing with his money? I think that you need to communicate with him....

If he doesn't want to contribute or partner with you in this relationship then Unfortunatly I think you do have your answer....but you need to talk to him

Good Luck and Keep us posted ok!!

I finally talked to him. It took me a long time and I was afraid of what happens. He got angry at me. He took a defensive place telling that I am inconsiderate and that I think I am better than him and that he is worthless. He work but makes few money. I am sorry I got so mad, I called him a giggolo. Things have not got better. Help! I love him and I believe he loves me. We have not made love in 2 weeks.

You need to talk to him again. If you are not happy with the amount he is contributing towards the household you need to make it clear how much he needs to be putting in. Perhaps you could open a joint bank account and each of you put a certain amount into each week for household expenses.

You are not doing him any favours by paying for pretty much everything. I'm sorry to say it but it sounds like he is financially using you.

Stand your ground on this. If he leaves because of it then it was not love.

I remember what you are going thru. Maybe after you read this you may want to share it with him, or maybe not. I am not sure how this is going to sound. I am guessing that he is in his 20's (give or take) and you are ....not. While you have been doing the paying bills thing for awhile now and have gotten your system down so you can feel comfortable, for the most part it is all new to him. Not to say that he has never paid his bills, but the constant nagging regularity of it is something that he has not fully adjusted to. Heck, I had a hard time getting my head around it till after I turned 30.
Now as a young man, there is two different ways you can move in with an older woman. The first way is you have a minimal amount of stuff in HER house, but most of your stuff is still at your parents/in storage/somewhere else. In this mindset, you are a guest in HER house, and you feel your only obligation is to pay for the EXTRA costs you may incur, which of course you make up for with the little amount you do actually contribute. In this situation you have no concept of how much this is actually costing, or if you do have an idea, you will choose to ignore it.

The second way to move in with an older woman is for the two of you to combine ALL of you belongings and either get a place together, or do some major redecorating. You will have to let him have input on where the tv goes, which way the couch faces, etc, etc. YOu will have to make him feel that it is his place with you, not a guest in your house. Then, or along with, you have to sit down and go over the finances and bills, all of it. He has to be fully aware of the obligations he is getting involved with, then the two of you need to decide what a good split for the bills is going to be. Like a previous post stated, he shouldn't end up paying for kids that he is not responsible for, but he should pay his FULL share of the expenses.

I could be more specific if I had more details, like how old he is, what is is doing for work, what you do for a living, etc,etc.

Right now he is in shock. All of this stuff is pretty overwhelming your first time thru it..... ;)

Have you set up a budget Hibiscus? Is the lack of sex due to your fight or is he "punishing" you? Have you talked about the lack of sex? This could be a separate issue.
Be firm but gentle about the financial issues, I think that syrinx69 offered a good perspective on this matter.

Have you set up a budget Hibiscus? Is the lack of sex due to your fight or is he "punishing" you? Have you talked about the lack of sex? This could be a separate issue.
Be firm but gentle about the financial issues, I think that syrinx69 offered a good perspective on this matter.
Yes, I show him our budget. I think he has lost interest so no sex... I could cry.

I noticed you said "Yes, I show him our budget.". Well, from his point of view you are showing him YOUR budget, to either make him feel guilty or inferior, or to extort money from him. Sure, that's not what you meant to do, but a standard household budget usually involves quite a lot of money, probably more than he is used to seeing in one place.

Here is my advice. Provided that making this work is the most important thing and that his financial contribution is secondary.

On bill paying day, collect up all the bills and get a pad of paper and a pencil. Tell him, "hey sweety (or whatever you call him), could you please give me a hand for a second.". Then you both sit down and you hand him the stack of bills. Have hime open them and read the amounts to you, you write them down and add them up. At the end you say "ooo, thats going to make things a little tight, do you think you can take care of this one this month, it would really help" and hand him the smallest bill.

Now here is the tricky part, he better say yes. It would probably help if you could time this on his payday. If everything goes ok, repeat this scene every 2 weeks or how ever often you pay bills. Get him used to it, After a couple of go arounds give him a bigger bill, or two smaller ones. Don't have him give you the money and you pay them, have him pay them. After some time, and you will probably be able to tell when, you will be able to give him a portion of the bills that you think he should be paying. Eventually he will just start giving you the money and asking you to take care of it, as a favor to him. And make sure that if you do this favor for him that he makes up for it, wink, wink.

sure, its sneeky, and manipulative, but you caught him, it is your responsibility to train him.

I feel so dirty, I think I am going to go wash now.. :D

I remember what you are going thru. Maybe after you read this you may want to share it with him, or maybe not. I am not sure how this is going to sound. I am guessing that he is in his 20's (give or take) and you are ....not. While you have been doing the paying bills thing for awhile now and have gotten your system down so you can feel comfortable, for the most part it is all new to him. Not to say that he has never paid his bills, but the constant nagging regularity of it is something that he has not fully adjusted to. Heck, I had a hard time getting my head around it till after I turned 30.
Now as a young man, there is two different ways you can move in with an older woman. The first way is you have a minimal amount of stuff in HER house, but most of your stuff is still at your parents/in storage/somewhere else. In this mindset, you are a guest in HER house, and you feel your only obligation is to pay for the EXTRA costs you may incur, which of course you make up for with the little amount you do actually contribute. In this situation you have no concept of how much this is actually costing, or if you do have an idea, you will choose to ignore it.

The second way to move in with an older woman is for the two of you to combine ALL of you belongings and either get a place together, or do some major redecorating. You will have to let him have input on where the tv goes, which way the couch faces, etc, etc. YOu will have to make him feel that it is his place with you, not a guest in your house. Then, or along with, you have to sit down and go over the finances and bills, all of it. He has to be fully aware of the obligations he is getting involved with, then the two of you need to decide what a good split for the bills is going to be. Like a previous post stated, he shouldn't end up paying for kids that he is not responsible for, but he should pay his FULL share of the expenses.

I could be more specific if I had more details, like how old he is, what is is doing for work, what you do for a living, etc,etc.

Right now he is in shock. All of this stuff is pretty overwhelming your first time thru it..... ;)


Excellent post. My husband is 21. He initially moved in with me in exactly the same manner you described above and I think he did always think of it as my place and his place was back home with his folks. Since that time, and since marriage, we bought a house together. We both definately think of our home as both of ours (and we have the shared debt to prove it LOL!). He is *very* involved with our finances, although he does not work. I have a couple of children and he stays at home with them while simultaneously working towards completing his undergrad.

Thank you very much for suggestions, I will try again with patience and love. Wish me luck.