In love with 2 persons, What's ur opinion?

Hi

can a person be in love with two?
Its not a agegap relationship but same age relationship. Its my case. I want to know how other people think.

I am in love with two women at the same time. I married one and another is my longtime friend and she is married with the person who is also my friend. I love my wife and at the same time i love my friend too. My friend also loves me. My wife and her husband doesn't know this. We are not physically envolved and niether we think in these terms. We decided to leave our relationship undefined. my wife and her husband only knows that we are good friends. we live in different cities and sometimes we visit eachothers place and stay there.

Gosh fl biz owner.... you have been here for such a short time, yet you have noticed one of our pet peeves here! :D Good advice and very kindly/tactfully answered!

Hi

can a person be in love with two?
Its not a agegap relationship but same age relationship. Its my case. I want to know how other people think.

I am in love with two women at the same time. I married one and another is my longtime friend and she is married with the person who is also my friend. I love my wife and at the same time i love my friend too. My friend also loves me. My wife and her husband doesn't know this. We are not physically envolved and niether we think in these terms. We decided to leave our relationship undefined. my wife and her husband only knows that we are good friends. we live in different cities and sometimes we visit eachothers place and stay there.

Everest, you and the woman you are "in love" with are doing the emotional equivilant of phone sex. It might not be full-fledged cheating, but it isn't good for your marriage. Unlike Woody Allen, I do not believe that "the heart wants what the heart wants." I believe we have control over allowing a thought to become more than just a thought. I could NEVER be "in love" with my sister's husband, for instance, because I simply would never allow my mind to go there; and I certainly would not allow myself AND my sister's husband to even discuss the idea of being in love with each other, never mind entertain it through discussion - I don't care if what she knows can't hurt her - there's right and wrong. You are entertaining a fantasy and playing a game that could end up hurting you, your wife, the other woman, her husband, and all of your children. Stop it. You'll be glad you did.

Unlike Woody Allen, I do not believe that "the heart wants what the heart wants." I believe we have control over allowing a thought to become more than just a thought.

Could'na said it better myself. Love has much less to do with romantic feelings than it has to do with honoring the commitment to be faithful to your partner.

The only thing i can say about that is you are very much in love with your wife and assuming you are happy with where your relationship is going just relax take a few breaths and be glad the other women is still a friend to you. Also your friend, her husband has no idea nor your wife. A relationship should have all the trust and honesty in the world. If you EVER think about going with her and actually BE with her i would say inform everyone talk it through so nobody feels like they were thrown in the garbage. What would i do? i would be happy with what i had already nothing is wrong with the current relationship so just dont cause problems.

I have to go with the others here. Part of being a grown up is holding up to your promises and obligations. If you love your wife, then stop the flirting and innuendos with the long term friend. If it is the other way around, then be up front with the spouses and settled things nicely like the grown up you are. Playing in the middle like you are is similar to playing with fire, eventually you will get burned and others will be wrongly hurt.

Could'na said it better myself. Love has much less to do with romantic feelings than it has to do with honoring the commitment to be faithful to your partner.

I definatly agree with you and Chatter.......Commitment is definatly something thats taken way to lightly these days

Not a good idea, everest. Better just pick one, and let the other one go.....

In my young and foolish days, did that twice, and it always comes back to bite you in the tush. With one "pair", I got dumped by one and thrown around by the other when they found out.:eek: With the other "pair", one coming up the stairs as the other going down, not a good thing....::o :( Just a little brawl.

Biz ~ Just wanted to clarify. It is not a more "friendly" website that the OP should seek. The members here on AGL are some of the friendliest, caring people I have ever met online. What we are not (the majority) are supporters of infidelity.

Everest ~ Have you considered that you may be confusing love with a very close friendship? You did say that, We are not physically envolved and niether we think in these terms. There are different kinds of love.

I hope that you continue to keep your friendship platonic as I would never encourage someone to cheat on their partner for any reason. If you are unhappy with your wife, which it does not sound like you are, then you should leave before pursuing any other relationship. If you are happy in your marriage, it is your responsibility to follow through with the vows that you made together and seek some counseling. Many people act on these "feelings" wihtout even coming forward to ask for help so I am glad you did. I hope you take seriously some of the advice you will get on these forums and consider carefully your choices before acting on them.

Best wishes to you and your family

Be careful!:eek: If you have any other attraction to your friend other than JUST friendship you had better just keep a good distance. This could possibly be big time trouble and DEEP hurt for all involved. You say you are in love with both your wife and your friend. I can see where this is possible. But the love you have for your wife should include a few extra feelings that you should not be feeling for your friend. You have made a committment to your wife. If your thoughts start going to more than friendship with you good friend....I would RUN-not walk into the other direction. Oh...and I do know what I am talking about. *see lencarols story;) * I have been in that boat before in my crazy days. And honey, listen.....it was rough sailing once it got going!!!!!!!

Lemon, I think most understood it correctly to mean more friendly to his unwelcome post. I was being diplomatic. Any site that would be welcoming to encouraging infieldility would not be full of friendly people but rather dirtbags and I think most people realized that ;) . "Friendly", "welcoming", "accepting", whatever you want to call it, I was being diplomatic so as not to just say "buzz off loser".


Lets just think about this for a second.... there is someone else who needs to be taken into consideration when you talk like this, i.e. his wife.

This guy has said that he and his friend are not physical, only that he has feelings. He's not said that he's actually planning to do anything about his feelings, only that he has them and is trying to understand them. Now, before we cast him off to another website where cheating is encouraged, why don't we think about his wife and rather than push him into a place where he will cheat on her and hurt her, encourage him not to and to try to actually HELP him not to.

Lemon, I think most understood it correctly to mean more friendly to his unwelcome post. I was being diplomatic. Any site that would be welcoming to encouraging infieldility would not be full of friendly people but rather dirtbags and I think most people realized that ;) . "Friendly", "welcoming", "accepting", whatever you want to call it, I was being diplomatic so as not to just say "buzz off loser".

hmm sorry if my reply offended you biz.. Was not implying that you think we are unfriendly. As I said, "Just wanted to clarify". I prefer to be as direct as possible when communicating in text. It is often difficult to communicate sarcasim etc when simply reading. :P No biggie and no offense to your post

Rob ~ I agree which is why I posted my response to OP as I did.

Ok ok I'm sorry...... Oh you poor poor soul. How terrible it must be to be in the difficult position of choosing to love other women other then your wife. If it only weren't for those damn pesky wedding vows. What anguish you must be in to actually possible feel some guilt for loving women other then your wife. If only your wife didn't make you feel this way. You poor poor soul. Is there anything I can do? Perhaps a cookie? Some money? Maybe I can offer you one of my girlfriends to love. Maybe if you brought a third lover into the mix it might make it seem less like cheating and more just like a group activity. You poor old victimized man............. Is that better Rob?

Ooh, sarcasm... lovely. :rolleyes:

Btw, we don't 'choose' to have feelings for others, we only choose whether or not to act on them or to distance ourselves from the person who invokes those feelings in us. I didn't 'choose' to fall for someone who lives 3'500 miles away, and in a perfect world it would have been someone much, much closer to home. But fall for her I did, and I chose to act on those feelings instead of trying to resist them.

Also, if you're having those feelings about someone else, then it's worth looking at your relationship to see if there's something wrong there, because often I think you'll find there is.

Although I guess that, rather than offering advice to help someone deal with it, it's better to say "go and find a different website that approves of cheating"... or would THAT actually be enabling them? Damn, now I'm confused. :eek:

Thanks for such a fair advice. and to those too who showed their anger and arrogance towards me.

what i want to clarify is -
i don't want to cheat my wife. i love her very much but at the same time i want to remain in a clean relationship with other person whome i find intellectually more compitable than my wife.
lets be clear that I am not a cheat and niether want to be painted like a cheat.
now the question-
should i tell my wife and she to her husband so that even the notional cheating gets cleared?


any suggestion?

That is always the problem Rob, "mia culpa". Remember the thread I had started a long time ago about perverted ideas? we all have them, we don't admit them and we are tought to feel GUILTY about our thoughts.

I agree with you totally. We do not "choose" to have thoughts and feelings, but if we have the strength and the ability to choose to act or not to act on them, there is no peoblem. Asking people to control their thoughts and feelings is absurd.

So everest, I can understand perfectly well your fascination for the 2 women, but you have chosen your wife as your partner and she does not deserve to be hurt. Same goes to your friend's husband. If there's no cheating, there's no issue.

So you have a wife and a fantasic friend, and your friend has a husband and a fantastic friend. I don't see where the problem is.

As to telling your wife and her husband, I really don't know what to say.
I have always been around people who are very solid and open-minded about male/female friendships.

When I was married or lived wth a boyfriend, I kept all of my very close male friends and spent all the time that I wanted with them without causing any jealousy fits to my or their partners.

On Wednesday, I have a friend who's coming to stay wth me for a few days. We simply want to spend some time together because we simply adore each other as friends. His wife is away with the children and they both thought it's the best occasion for him to come and see his good friend Aline.

We're not keeping our friendship and fascination for each other behind his wife's back, there is nothing to hide.

Thanks for such a fair advice. and to those too who showed their anger and arrogance towards me.

what i want to clarify is -
i don't want to cheat my wife. i love her very much but at the same time i want to remain in a clean relationship with other person whome i find intellectually more compitable than my wife.
lets be clear that I am not a cheat and niether want to be painted like a cheat.
now the question-
should i tell my wife and she to her husband so that even the notional cheating gets cleared?


any suggestion?


Everest it's not cheating if you are friends with another woman.. However, Of course you should be telling your wife so she can join the conversation and be involved and the same for her husband. It is one thing to physically cheat on a woman but there is also Emotional Cheating as well. I suggest being open about your friendship.. I know that I have no problems with my husband having a friend thats a woman... but if he held it secret it would hurt me just the same.

I don't personally think it's a good idea to tell her. Right now, she knows that you two are friends. And you have said that you have no intention of crossing that line. If you tell your wife now that you have those feelings for this other woman, I would be willing to bet that she will feel emotionally cheated on, which IMO, is far more damaging than a physical relationship with the other woman.

Ok ok I'm sorry...... Oh you poor poor soul. How terrible it must be to be in the difficult position of choosing to love other women other then your wife. If it only weren't for those damn pesky wedding vows. What anguish you must be in to actually possible feel some guilt for loving women other then your wife. If only your wife didn't make you feel this way. You poor poor soul. Is there anything I can do? Perhaps a cookie? Some money? Maybe I can offer you one of my girlfriends to love. Maybe if you brought a third lover into the mix it might make it seem less like cheating and more just like a group activity. You poor old victimized man............. Is that better Rob?

Look at it this way.... you can choose to use sarcasm to say something from your heart that the OP will only take as being a negative reaction, or, you can offer your opinion from your heart in a tactful way that will give the OP something meaningful to think about. Doing so doesn't mean that you support infidelity. In fact, I am completely opposed to infidelity. But, giving him advice doesn't mean that I support infidelity. Note my post above. It is possible to get your point across to someone in a tactful way without losing the meaning of what you are trying to say or altering your own personal viewpoint on the matter.

Everest it's not cheating if you are friends with another woman.. However, Of course you should be telling your wife so she can join the conversation and be involved and the same for her husband. It is one thing to physically cheat on a woman but there is also Emotional Cheating as well. I suggest being open about your friendship.. I know that I have no problems with my husband having a friend thats a woman... but if he held it secret it would hurt me just the same.

This is so true Mera. It is the secrecy that will cause a bond....that leads to real trouble. And I agree, emotional cheating is just as bad. As long as there are NO other feelings towards one another other than friendship then there is nothing to hide. So telling your spouse would be good IMO. Do you feel she won't like the idea of your being such close friends? I must add this. For your sake, I hope shes not like me. I am far to possesive. I want to be my fellas only best friend in the female catagory. I know what thoughts I have shared with best friends and I would not want him sharing those with another female. I have issues tho everest...lol. I just wanted to share how a cwazy, possesive, jealous wife might react! Yep....I would have something to say and it wouldn't be what you wanted to hear. I am just being honest...:p

my wife and her husband only knows that we are good friends. we live in different cities and sometimes we visit eachothers place and stay there.

He said that his wife and the other woman's husband already know that they are good friends and they even visit each others homes.

So, I think what he is asking is whether he should tell his wife about his feelings for his female friend. I vote no. I think it'll do more harm than good in his marriage.

my dear ageless lovers,

problem is that my wife is by nature very much possesive about me.

thats the reason, i hide my feelings towards op from my wife. i wanted to be very transparent.10 yrs ago when i married, we spent our 1st night together at my friends home. we (me, my wife, she and her husband) enjoyed evening together and that was a memorable evening for each of us. but after sometime i could find out the possesiveness of my wife. now started thinking my relationship with op can endanger my marriage. thats the reason things got the present shape.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chatterbox
Unlike Woody Allen, I do not believe that "the heart wants what the heart wants." I believe we have control over allowing a thought to become more than just a thought.
Could'na said it better myself. Love has much less to do with romantic feelings than it has to do with honoring the commitment to be faithful to your partner.


A good friend of mine wrote this to me ("the heart wants what the heart wants") yesterday about a new situation in her life. I bit my tongue (or, rather, my fingertips since we were emailing), and just encouraged her to protect her heart. I know that she is not ready to let go of this concept and I doubt that anything I say is going to change her mind. We all have to learn from our own actions.

Years ago, I got into a heavy discussion/disagreement with a counselor who insisted that our head can control our emotions, and I vehemently disagreed with him. I no longer think/feel that way.

I think that for the most part that we can control our emotions through our actions. Perhaps we cannot control that initial spark but we can control whether or not that spark turns into a flame.

If you're married, then you give boundaries to the extent to which you allow your feelings to develop for a third person. If you cannot contain those feelings, then you do what it takes to control the situation, even if it means keeping a good friend out of your life or minimizing their 'role' in your life.

If I meet someone with whom there is huge chemistry and lots of other great aspects of our interaction, but they're into drugs, married/separated, habitually unemployed, etc., then I do not allow my actual true emotions to get involved.

I spent three years of my life with an extremely jealous and manipulative man. It started out as a fling and I almost married him. It was a drama-filled rollercoaster of a relationship. My best friend said words to me when it began that I did not heed and I now tend to preach myself.

Be careful who you spend your time with. You can't help but become attached to people that you spend a lot of time with.

Everest, in response to your last question about telling your wife, I would say no. Some people recommend telling the spouse because it dispells the secrecy and fantasy - which, in itself is a powerful aphrodisiac. I can see the logic in that but I don't agree with it UNLESS you are in a bad relationship and you want to free your wife from misconceptions about you.

You know your wife and you know how a confession of this sort will affect her and how she will behave towards you and your mutual female friend if you tell her. Personally, I think that confessing is a cheap way out and that your wife knowing about your feelings will make it easier for you to stop but you'll be giving her a burden that she doesn't need and YOU don't need to share this burden with her in order to be able to stop these thoughts and behaviors.

Think of these feelings for your female friend as something harmful and use all of the tools that you would use to stop any harmful habit, it's a bad habit that you have to break. I once quit smoking for a year, and when I started smoking again, I snuck them - it was one of the most exciting things I've ever done! Anyone who has ever cheated knows the thrill - and that thrill is highly addictive. Longing for someone else is also highly addictive, as anyone who has ever longed for someone else knows.

Stop indulging in the inappropiate thoughts and replace them with appropriate ones. Talk to yourself to change your thinking and your feelings will follow.

While you're working on changing your thoughts/feelings for this woman into something more appropriate, be smart, take precautions against activities that will open the door to inappropriate conversation between the two of you, i.e., don't have private conversations with your female friend - when talking by phone, sit in the same room as your wife and/or children while you're talking, that'll keep you from straying into sharing the intellectual, emotional and/or sexual longings. If she brings them up anyway, tell her you're not going there anymore and if she insists on bringing it up, you'll have to stop talking to her. You both have a choice: the pleasure of sharing an honest above-board friendship or the dark, addictive pleasure of "what ifs" that will one day destroy your friendship and maybe your marriages.

And kudos to you for talking to us about it, everest - it's the first step toward change.

Reminds me of a South Park episode where a bunch of pedophiles are going around having sex with little boys. They get defended because it's not their faults that they think that way and that those who critisize them are just a bunch of intolerant bigots who need to be sent to a Nazi run tolerance camp where you are tortured into changing your thought process so that you are tolerant of everyone and all their ideas. Of course it is always left up to the third grade boys to tell everyone that that is just messed up and that somethings should not be tolerated..........


But that's just ludicrous because it doesn't even remotely have anything to do with what the both of us were saying....

those paedophiles were HAVING SEX WITH YOUNG BOYS... they were acting upon their thoughts, they 'chose' to act upon those thoughts. If they hadn't have chosen to act upon those thoughts then no-one would ever know they were a paedophile, would they! :rolleyes:

You miss the point completely and utterly. I've often had thoughts about doing nasty things to people when I've been really annoyed with them, for whatever reason. However, I didn't act upon those thoughts. By your reckoning I should be in prison for murder! The thing is that I never acted upon those thoughts, I knew it was wrong to do so and therefore I chose not to do it.

Anyone that says they've never had an impure, wrong or perverted idea is a liar, IMO.

I think that for the most part that we can control our emotions through our actions. Perhaps we cannot control that initial spark but we can control whether or not that spark turns into a flame.

If you're married, then you give boundaries to the extent to which you allow your feelings to develop for a third person. If you cannot contain those feelings, then you do what it takes to control the situation, even if it means keeping a good friend out of your life or minimizing their 'role' in your life.


Exactly. :)

You can choose not to act on the feelings that you have for the friend. And if you don't think you can be friends without it turning into cheating on your wife, and you don't want to lose that relationship, then you have to minimise their role in your life (as Science Goddess said) at least, if not keep them out of your life completely.

I will apologize. I jumped to an improper conclusion at first and gave inadequate advice.

Being married to a woman that is also very possessive and the type of man that makes friends with women for more frequently than men, I learned a long time ago to keep those thoughts from my wife. If for no other reason than her jealousy will not only ruin my other friendship, but also causes a lot of stress at home.

So if I have it right now, my advice is to keep the secret of the feelings between the two of you or risk the destruction of a good friendship and a lot of arguing at home.

Hi

can a person be in love with two?
Its not a agegap relationship but same age relationship. Its my case. I want to know how other people think.

I am in love with two women at the same time. I married one and another is my longtime friend and she is married with the person who is also my friend. I love my wife and at the same time i love my friend too. My friend also loves me. My wife and her husband doesn't know this. We are not physically envolved and niether we think in these terms. We decided to leave our relationship undefined. my wife and her husband only knows that we are good friends. we live in different cities and sometimes we visit eachothers place and stay there.


Run! Run as far and as fast in the other direction from the one you are NOT married to as you can!!!!

Ali

I am confused now!!!