Hate to Love This

I am an OW who has been seeing a YM for over four months. It started out, if I may, a dirty little secret, until we really got to know each other. Now it's going to the next level "exclusive dating". I am just getting used to looks and whispers in public - I could use any advice any of you OW have to offer.

i'm pretty sure we need more information.....like, the ages of you two in order to advise you.

Thanks for the input - I am 42 and he is 21. The women that I work with have sons older/younger than him and even though they know me, they would not like a woman my age dating them. It's a little uncomfortable, but humor usually takes care of that - and I am learning to close up my personal life more and more, which I am not accustomed to - I'm usually very open.

HIT IT while ye can GIT IT!!!:eek: HONK!!:p :D

I think that you need worry less about other people than about your relationship being success. I thing that your man would be considered a VYM if what I read here is true. Read more about this topic in past posts.

People need to get used to OW/YM relationships but this will only be happen positive if relationship success.

Dallasfan. You have exactly the same age gap as my fiance & I. I'm 40 & he's 23.

As far as I know we don't get stares and whispers, at least I haven't noticed them. I have however been mistaken for his mum on 3 occasions in the 18 months we have been together. Be prepared for that when it happens.... if it hasn't already. It's a killer the first time, in fact it brought tears to my eyes and they weren't for joy. Luckily for me my YM jumps straight in with something like" she's not my mum she's my partner" and then the person who said it just dies. All 3 people who have said it have been sales people for some odd reason.

I wouldn't worry about what strangers think anyway, what your friends and family think is far more important as they are the ones your spend time with. If they don't approve then things can get very uncomfortable. This was the case for me when I was first with my YM. His father did not approve and I did not feel welcome in his home. It took around a year for him to accept our relationship and he now welcomes me with open arms which makes visits much easier now.

Anyway, good luck with everything. I hope your relationship turns out as well as ours has.

Thanks for the feedback - as I explore this site more - I'm finding that many of the questions I have about my relationship are the same as most - what a relief - isn't it nice to know you're not the only one who ... well ... just not the only one!

I am hopeful that in time, my friends and family will come around. After two failed marriages, they say all they want for me to be is "happy" - we'll see.

Thanks for the feedback - as I explore this site more - I'm finding that many of the questions I have about my relationship are the same as most - what a relief - isn't it nice to know you're not the only one who ... well ... just not the only one!

I am hopeful that in time, my friends and family will come around. After two failed marriages, they say all they want for me to be is "happy" - we'll see.

If you place a high priority on pleasing friends and family with your relationship, you may be in for a shock!!

In many communities what you are doing is the equivalent of what interracial marriage :eek: used to be back in the 1940s and 1950s. Get ready for people to be mad... shocked.... disapproving and all that other self-righteous bull.

I hope you are a fighter and have some guts, DallasFan. :D

Having said all that, I think it's a good character-building exercise to learn to stand up for what you believe in and to challenge other people's prejudice. You will be a stronger person if you are committed to making this relationship last.

Let the fun begin! :)

Harrison - you are so right already. I am having a hard time when talking to my friends and family about "events" and they say "Is 'he' coming?" if they ask the question is usually no and neither am I. My circle of girlfriends have stopped calling me Pam, and now refer to me as Andy's girlfriend - What's up with that? They have never acted this way about a bf before? I'm very confused - I feel like I'm really falling for this guy, but there are sooooo may buts.......

I Remember When My Ym And I Got Together And Dealing With The Attitudes From Folks His Age And Even My Age Were Worse.. I Mean The Constant "jokes" And Names. Being Called A Cradle Robber In Particular Bothered Me. But I Got Over It And It Has'nt Been Easy But Here We Are Almost 3 Years Later With A 14 Yr. Age Gap And Happily Engaged. Who Would Have Thunk It That The Happiest I've Been In My Life Is With Someone Who Does'nt Know Any 80's Hair Bands!!!!!lol

Hearing these stories...it's amazine how rude people are. When so many people in same-age relationship have nothing to write home about themselves in their personal relationships. I wish people would just look in the mirror instead of being so presumptuous as to criticize and judge others.

Never apologize for exercising your right to associate whether platonically or romantically with any one you wish as long as they are legal adults. Really...it makes me mad! Even if it's your family rejecting this...to me, I see it as discrimination plain and simple. If they don't allow you do bring your partner because of his age or they harrass you, perhaps you should sue them for harrassment based on discrimination on the basis of your partner's age. I think you just may have a case!:mad:

Okay, I guess I'm being facetious here...but it really is discrimination in my book!

Hearing these stories...it's amazine how rude people are. When so many people in same-age relationship have nothing to write home about themselves in their personal relationships. I wish people would just look in the mirror instead of being so presumptuous as to criticize and judge others.

Never apologize for exercising your right to associate whether platonically or romantically with any one you wish as long as they are legal adults. Really...it makes me mad!

Of course it's maddening!!

DallasFan, if you are still reading, here is my suggestion:

START MAKING UP A LIST OF SNAPPY COME-BACKS AND PUT-DOWNS! Even if you are not a "mean" person, you are going to have to learn to "go off" on people in order to gain some respect.

The first one I would suggest is for the older women your own age:

#1) "Ahh, you're just jealous!" is the first and easiest one to toss out. You have to practice it in the mirror so it'll come off the right way --- like you just don't care.

Just give a toss of the hair or a dismissive wave of the hand and.... say "Ahh, you're just jealous!" :D Go to the bathroom mirror and practice that line until you've got it down perfect.

#2) Then when you're ready for a tougher put-down, you can single out the ladies who have older, unhealthy, not-so-attractive husbands. One of them might be named Connie, and maybe she is married to Bill who is 51. For her, you will say something like

"Oh Shush, Connie.... Don't get all jealous just 'cause Bill can't keep up with my guy!"

You can just say it with a mischievous smile, and a twinkle in your eye. ;)

Again, practice this line and all the other lines you will need. Once you are ready to do battle with these folks, they will back down and give you some respect.

And if you have trouble thinking up more lines, come back here and we will all fill you in. Many of us have been through this and it is soooooo old. *yawn*


Good luck!!

P.S. The great thing about the "jealous" line is that I really do believe it is true. Many of those older ladies criticizing you would secretly like to enjoy what you have --- or somehow do something to feel younger. They can't so they will pout and grumble and try to tear you down.

Thanks all for the kinds words - I'm working it out. Some days are much better than others. We made it through Thanksgiving and now to the Christmas Holiday - can't get much worse!!!!