Sleepless in Detroit .....

Hello folks,

Am back on this site after a long while. I used to post here a long while ago (around 1999-2000) back when internet forums were a new phenomenon. The good ol’ days of internet boom and just about everything internet.

And now the reason for this post (and to get registered to be able to post)

Same old, time immaterial issue – the story of a man & a woman … I met this wonderful woman online earlier this year. She lives in Richmond, VA and am in Detroit. We exchanged photos etc and after talking on the phone for many months and even having a webcam chat, we decided to meet (in late September this yr). She proved to be a gracious host, came to pick me up from the airport, let me stayed at her apartment ( She's divorced with a daughter and that weekend, she was with her dad), even let me sleep on her bed while she slept on the couch in the living room, took me around the town to various places. Overall, we had good quality time. Besides that, I also observed her about her character, her habits, lifestyle etc. By the time I got back home, I was convinced in my mind that she’s “the” one – compatible with me in so many ways. But she never even once gave any clear indication that she was inclined to meet again. Afterwards she wouldn’t initiate any phone calls, but would take/promptly return my calls and talk to me for long time. Eventually I brought it up with her and asked clearly if she’s interested in pursuing it further. She gave many reasons for deciding not to move ahead including the long distance involved, age gap (she’s hardly 1 yr older than me) etc but most importantly she kept coming back to CHEMISTRY … that she didn’t find chemistry b/w two of us, that we can be friends but nothing more. I’ve always hated chemistry since my school days and this dreadful word has come to bite me again. I am kinda lost what she meant by that. We had exchanged photos, seen each other on the webcam, knew about each other’s habits, lifestyle etc. Since this has happened, it has turned my usually calm & stable life upside down, I was very hopeful about her and now all my hopes & dreams have been crushed mercilessly due this chemistry. I haven’t been able to concentrate on my work, or to go out and enjoy my friends’ company. And though its not a manly thing, but I’d be man enough to admit that I had tears in my eyes that night when I went to bed after talking to her, I called in sick at work next day. It has all suddenly changed my life for worse. I am not saying am in love with her suddenly. But I was convinced that she’s the one that I’ve been waiting for, all these years. I am a fairly practical person & usually keep my emtions under check and yet this rejection has turned me into an insecure introvert not knowing what to do. What is this chemistry after all & what is the mechanics of this chemistry?? Can I do something to change her mind, to win her heart over …. Something, anything ????

:(

well, i'm from detroit, so this caught my eye immediately. your heartbreak is quite evident in your post. you put a lot of eggs in this basket, and it didn't turn as you'd hoped. i'm very sorry.

we ALL want to be loved. but you know, chemistry is a tricky thing. either it's there, or it isn't, and i think this woman thought there was some hope of that. she saw a lot of value in you as a person, or she wouldn't have invited you to come nor been as gracious to you as she was. so don't beat yourself up too badly.

that's the value of meeting. either chemistry is there, or it isn't. when you arrived, she probably knew almost immediately that it wasn't there for her. sometimes the only way to know is to meet. i give her credit for being a nice host and being friendly and kind.

i get the feeling she doesn't want to encourage you unrealistically, but that she still really likes you and respects you and values you. all you can do is manage your own feelings at this point.

maybe a counselor or a good friend to talk to might help? i know it's trite, but this too shall pass, and you'll be fine.

oh, and btw, i recommend you stop contacting her. let her contact you. if she doesn't at all, you have your answer. if she does, take it a day at a time. but get all your eggs out of that basket, and some of them back in detroit!

I'm sorry this has left you feeling a bit let down.

I have battle my own conclusions of chemistry and what that really means as it means so many different things to so many people. And what I have found is that, its all a bunch of malakey to me.

And I kind of believe that what we're attracted to is set in our youth, in our environment and in our nurturing and it becomes part of our makeup as individuals. We rarely change its set pattern, although we can deviate from it, but the outcome to our syc is that it satisfy an internal need.

And at times we either ignore that internal template and end up with real winners (and this is only after we've lived a bit of nastiness on the wild side of bad relationships) in partners, but most of the time we don't venture too far out of our home boundaries to really see what's actually worthwhile in front of us.

Unfortunately, we all love with conditions, that's a fact of life I've come to accept. But I've also come to understand that I can only control me and not another. You can only concentrate on making yourself the kind of person that YOU would want to be with. So she didn't get into you...tell yourself that's fine...not everyone will feel the same way about you as you might about them and that's fine too...it is their choice.

The only thing you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep moving. If you stop and feel sorry for yourself you risk the opportunity to find someone whose been rejected herself and is now ready to pursue someone of greater importance. Don't let this knock you down, don't let anyone knock you down and believe that you're worth knowing and being with and anyone who doesn't recognize that can go hang.

Paris

Kat/Paris,

What you both are saying is that chemistry is some natural & instant feeling that a person realizes about the other – and that she’s not really willing to look beyond the paradigm of what she believes is right or wrong for her. So now that she’s made up her mind, nothing can be done to change her mind?

I actually didn’t call her for about 3 weeks after she said she’ll get back to me later. She didn’t and I kept on trying to restrain myself from calling her but then I gave in and called her and that’s when she brought up this chemistry issue.

You both are right in suggesting that I should gather up & move on and that this is just a phase and will eventually wear out. I know I am sounding real desparado in my posts here but it is this feeling of helplessness, knowing that I will lose her forever and yet can’t do anything, this feeling is what really making me so vulnerable. I know I probably will never meet someone who’d have a balance of so many things in her personality or even if I meet someone like her, don’t know what phase of life I’d be at.

me and my fiance met online...we chatted and talked on the phone for close to 2 months before we met. I was totally smitten....until we actually met...something about meeting in person and seeing how each other react to things....well..I wasn't smitten any more... but decided to remain friends....so we hung out and did frienf stuff and within the next month I had deep feelings for him.

Just to let you know...there were things my fiance did at our initial meeting that turned me off...for example making me make all the decisions..what we did, etc. it made me think he was indecisive. Later I learned he is just a nice guy.
Maybe something as simple as her offering you her bedroom to stay in and you allowing her to sleep on the couch could have turned her off.:confused:

prettyOhio

Your experience does give me some hopes but its hard to read a woman’s mind … They’re a complex specie and am experiencing it myself now. As you pointed out, I was careful & sensitive about how I carry myself around her as I was meeting her first (and perhaps the last) time, didn’t want to give any negative impression about myself. I don’t know if screwed up something and where did I go wrong if indeed its about the negative image about myself. She’s fairly honest & upfront person and in my last phone conversation, even upon my inquiring, she never mentioned anything about being annoyed due to any of my acts. About the bedroom thing, the first night I politely thanked her for her offer and stayed in the living room, but the sofa was way too comfy & soft for my back so during the nite, I just plopped down on the floor with the pillow & comforter. Next morning she saw me that way and insisted that I should sleep on the bed as she didn’t like me being a guest in her house and sleeping on the floor. But hey … If that caused her any discomfort then I did try to make up for that by making an omelet breakfast for both of us on Sunday morning and I am very neat & clean in cooking & kitchen usage myself!

My guy was confused and dissappointed initially but his perserverance and kind soul just won me over. I wish you luck.

I'm so sorry you are hurting.. I know what that's like when you are crazy about someone and think she's the "one" but it's not mutual.

I hate to say this, but I really the best thing is to just walk away. It's really hard to change how someone feels about you if they have already made up their mind. If you keep pushing her, she might feel pressured and pull away further. Or maybe she'll decide to be your girlfriend, but her heart won't be in it, and eventually she'll leave you and you'll just be hurt.

My opinion is probably a bit biased because my girlfriend recently left me so I'm advising you to be cautious... But I do think that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and it's not a good idea to convince yourself that any particular person is the "one". Even if you do want to believe there is some "perfect" woman out there, shouldn't one of the attributes she possesses be that she actually likes you? If she can't appreciate what a great guy you are, then do you really want to be with her, no matter how gracious, sweet, intelligent, attractive, etc, she is?

Sorry if my opinion is too conservative but I just don't want you to get hurt... I don't know, maybe it will work out though, so good luck in whatever path you choose.

So I guess what all this implies is that there’s almost nothing that I can do, I may push my luck a bit more but it’s pretty much a lost cause.

When you come so close to finding your destiny after all those years and then watch from the sidelines let it slip away from your grasp, knowing fully well that you can’t do anything about it – I sincerely wish no one would ever have to go through this situation in their life ever. Right now, all I do is just think about her all the time, doesn’t matter what I am doing – whether driving, at work, watching TV etc I just imagine how we’d be doing things together, she’s all over my mind & my soul. I’ve been putting on a brave face in front my friends & colleagues and I find it rather convenient to come here online and cry my heart out anonymously. I never knew I was so weak & vulnerable from inside.

Cyrano, I am feeling so miserable & pathetic on myself right now that I can’t even offer my sympathy to you, knowing that it wouldn’t mean anything to you. I am sorry budd.

What you both are saying is that chemistry is some natural & instant feeling that a person realizes about the other – and that she’s not really willing to look beyond the paradigm of what she believes is right or wrong for her. So now that she’s made up her mind, nothing can be done to change her mind?

Chemistry has to be both physical and spiritual in nature in order for it to work beyond the lust. You can't rely on just the physical aspects of this relationship in order to believe that there's anything sustainable. There has to be an entire dimension that resides in our values, beliefs, personalities and worldview. It's about friendship, respect, humor and the feelings of warmth and contentment that come when you are in his/her presence. And that comes from somewhere deeper than the surface. The fact that she didn't feel those things as I stated, has nothing to do with you really. Its those endorphins that are release to our brains for which our bodies react over time to build an attachment.

As relationships move into this phase they are characterized by more comfort, commitment and friendship. Romantic love is blinded by infatuation or chemistry. It ends when anticipations become expectations. Chemistry fuels romantic love and infatuation with actual chemicals in our brains. Infatuation is a chemical high!

Remember not to confuse physical chemistry and deep friendship for romantic love, this can be intense at the beginning stages, which is why new partners can make love for hours or stay up talking for weeks...but it does wane...replace by other facets of our personality that will sustain it for the long term which is why you proably feel so let down as your chemical changed from lust to something deeper for you but it did nothing for her or for which she was not willing to explore it beyond the "acquaintance" part. And as I said before...that is her choice.

To continue to write, speak to her only prolongs your pain beyond what is bearable to handle. I hope you will consider forcing yourself to think on other things, get involve in something that requires you to use your brain power heal and move on. It will take time, but if you really want to get over it quicker...seek activities that will keep you busy and active and before you know it you will be in a much better place.

Paris

When you come so close to finding your destiny after all those years and then watch from the sidelines let it slip away from your grasp, knowing fully well that you can’t do anything about it – I sincerely wish no one would ever have to go through this situation in their life ever.
Cyrano, I am feeling so miserable & pathetic on myself right now that I can’t even offer my sympathy to you, knowing that it wouldn’t mean anything to you. I am sorry budd.

You met her once...just once...and decided she was the one? Honestly her reaction is more sensible. She met you...no real romantic attraction and now wants to move on.

You have blown this whole thing up to the " she's my destiny" level. You must return back to earth...this is over the top.

You don't really know her....move on. Your extreme emotional reaction is more about you and some issues than anything to do with a relative stranger.

Reckz:
The lack of chemistry comes up sooner or later. The worst thing that could happen to you is that you convince her to have a relationship with you, you keep investing time and feelings into it and at the end it deflates due to lack of such chemistry. This deflation sometimes takes years... that is really bad.

Convincing behavior never works. Whenever someone attempts to convince you, your guard is aroused. Sometimes, pity, but not what you want. Best to back off, or if you do continue to write or call as friends, avoid convincing her of anything and be funny. I get this thing in my emails from time-to-time that ****y humor causes a girl to feel attraction. The guy appears confident, and instead of flattering her and attempting to buy her love with things (which seems desparate), ****y humor throws her off guard and makes her feel like she wants him to pay attention to her more, or show that he's attracted. Gives a bit of a challenge. Now I am not one for games, but in the beginning of a relationship, flirting, teasing and being funny is good, rather than saying too soon, "you're the one." She has you, but is not sure she wants you.