Black tie fobia

My bf and I were invited to a black tie affair at a very fancy hotel for an American Society Club party. Many US people were going to be there, it was a US-Panama friendship gala. I thought it would have been a perfect event for him.

He refused to go on account of the black tie (he could have rented a tux). He said he is a jeans and beer guy. I decided to go with the girl who invited me, and I had a great time. There were many important people there, ambassadors, government officials, business people. There was music and good food.

I just came home and told him about the party and again he reiterated his lack of interest for such an event. I am very interested in joining the American Society because they have great activities (good business contacts too) but I would not count on him as my escort and companion. What should I do? How do I convince him of leaving his jeans for a bit? Why do you think he is so negative?

it would really depend on his professional background. Black tie events tend to be very formal and with lots of niceties of high-end society attached to 'em. Mostly, people come to such events either on the basis of some kind of professional engagements or because they belong to higher echelons of the society (as you mentioned ambassadors, high ranking officials etc). There's a perceived notion that such events can be really dull & boring and to a greater extent it is true. So you really have to have a reason to attend such events. You want to join the club cuz they've great activities and possibly good business contacts. But he sounds carefree & laid back type so if he's not into it, then he's not into it.

Not all events of that society would be black tie events, so you can take him with you to any casual meet n greet party next time.

i can handle maybe 2 formal events a year, i hate them, we belonged to a country club as a kid and my parents loved the la-ti-da aspect of life, i am not sure where i got my distaste for events such as these, but it is certainly part of me today.

cant stand it, i love nice places and nice clothes and good restaurants but on my terms, events such as these make my teeth hurt, my eyes water and my stomach upset.

some of us are just not black tie kinda people regarding events. its just not my thing, i understand your boyfriends sentiment.

Thank you Reckz and Kitty, he probably has the same concept that these event are stuffy, but in the tropics people are laid back even in black tie. I talked to him today and he said we would go to the next one. I told him people were dancing salsa, twist and merengue. I do not mind seeing guys in tux.... mmm MMMM mmmm. I find it sexy!

I agree about guys in tuxs being sexy...YUM!!!

I think even if thats not your cup of tea....for your partner...the person that you love the most....you should be willing to put on your tux every once in a while and do it for that person.

There's nothing wrong with keeping an open mind about those events and going and having a good time with your partner...even if you're a strictly jeans and a teeshirt person.

If you go once and totally hate it....thats fine...but at least you tried instead of giving some lame excuse.

I'd strip naked and walk over hot coals if Alec asked me to....and I'd do it with a smile on my face.

Nadine.

Sounds like these Panamanian black tie events are a little spicier than American black tie events, which I find, even though I must attend a few a year, intensely boring and ridiculous. I only go for the free food, as I'm usually invited to these things and don't pay for them...

so I can appreciate how your b/f feels. I'm with him.

I agree with Jesique! *points up*

I'm not all that interested in football, but I'll go to a game with him if he wants me to. Besides, it's nice to get all dressed up once in a while. As long as it's only an occasional thing, I think he should still go. Who knows, one he goes he would probably enjoy it!

It's just out of his comfort zone. The funny thing is that most of the guys at a black tie event would rather be in blue jeans. . .

My guy owns a tuxedo because he often needs it for some of the jazz gigs he plays. He looks soooo incredibly sexy all dressed up in black tie, and he carries it off well. Nonetheless, he's also a jeans and beer guy... also incredibly sexy that way.

Tell your bf to get with it, rent a tuxedo, and take you out for an unforgettable evening. Really, Sheila... I think once he sees how cool he looks in a tux, he'll fall in love with himself.

I'm not sure if any guys chimed in, so I will volunteer my two cents. I would love to go to a black tie event. My circle, unfortunately hasn't reached that point yet. A couple of good ways to lure in the man are first descriptions of the types of dresses many of the woman wear to these events. I have seen (at least on television) that they tend to be low cut on the front and the back. Secondly, like all good men, we are always susceptible to the prospects of post (or during) party rewards that come from agreeing to attend events we would not have chosen to attend on our own.;)
Besides all of this, show him a good James Bond flick and the attractive women that paid attention to him with his tux. Maybe have him practice a British accent before he attends. :rolleyes:

You know, there's nothing wrong with having your own respective "interests" even if you are a couple.

I'm not one for black tie events either...so I guess I'm biased towards your BF's POV.

What's wrong with going with your girlfriend? How often would these events be, anyway? A handful of times a year at most. I'd rather go to something that I alone enjoy with another friend who can also appreciate it, rather than drag my BF to something he doesn't want to do.

But...you might try reverse psychology on him and just talk about how much fun you're having and all the interesting fascinating "men" you meet at these things. Maybe even talk on and on about one or two "particular" men and the conversations you had with them. Then, he might get curious and not want to send you off "alone" to these events. My point is, the idea of getting into a tux and convincing him that this will be fun is NOT going to work to motivate him to agree. He needs the right "incentive" to go to the event, then he will gladly get himself into a penguin suit.;)

I agree with Jesique! *points up*

I'm not all that interested in football, but I'll go to a game with him if he wants me to. Besides, it's nice to get all dressed up once in a while. As long as it's only an occasional thing, I think he should still go. Who knows, one he goes he would probably enjoy it!

I'm in the Jody and Jessique camp!

Phil is a country boy. Didn't own a suit until he was nearly 18. Even his HS prom wasn't black tie. He would LOVE to go to a black tie affair. And like Jessique said, a tux makes a guy look SO hot. The most ordinary guys look great in a tux, don't they?

I don't get this whole idea of not being flexible for the other partner in a simple matter like this. If it's not illegal or immoral, what's the big deal? A little change is always fun.

P.S. I'm glad he agreed to go to the next party, sheila!

Another thing about this, when I told him about the music, he asked me if I danced. (He knows I love dancing, specially salsa - no slow dancing). I told him yes, so he wanted to know if I danced with women or men.

I said both. We danced conga and I amost went up stage to sing with the band like my friend did but since it was my first time with this crowd I decided not to.

He got a tiny bit jealous I think. I hope that knowing that I will dance with or without him will make him want to attend next time.

Another thing about this, when I told him about the music, he asked me if I danced. (He knows I love dancing, specially salsa - no slow dancing). I told him yes, so he wanted to know if I danced with women or men.

I said both. We danced conga and I amost went up stage to sing with the band like my friend did but since it was my first time with this crowd I decided not to.

He got a tiny bit jealous I think. I hope that knowing that I will dance with or without him will make him want to attend next time.

i think he is jealous but if he wants you to stay with him he should at least try and do the things you do with you, andi think the jeans and beer comment is a big clue to tell you that he is lazy and doesnt really want to do much.

I'm with Jesique - I go to this type of thing with my BF if he has to go and he comes with me if I have to. With us though, neither of us particularly like these type of events (I do like dressing up though) and find them pretty stressful. It helps though, if we go together since it makes the evening a little easier.

I'm glad he's going to give it a chance. You never know - maybe he'll like it. On the other hand, if he's sitting there pouting while you want to go dance - that might put a damper on the evening for you. With my ex, we had completely different social attitudes and after about 5 years together, I decided that it was just easier to not go out with him since it was WAY too stressful for me.

Put me in the 'get over it' camp.

First of all, not all black tie events are stuffy and boring...not even here in the States. :) In fact, most formal affairs that I've attended in the last few years have been a blast. Live music, good wine, good food, sometimes there are silent and/or live auctions. It's just putting on the ritz to go out and eat, drink and dance. Everyone else there is just another human being looking to get out, have fun, and blow off some steam.

My boyfriend wears a uniform to work for gosh sakes...so it's even worse than a jeans and t-shirt guy! (I'm kidding...and actually he looks all cute in his uniform. ;) ) He owns some really nice shirts but generally, he's in a t-shirt and jeans - which is normal for this rural - maybe with one of his nice shirts over the t-shirt. Still, he pulled a suit out of the back of the closet to attend our (the women's group I belong to) annual formal affair. Most women were in formals, some in c*cktail dresses. A lot of the men were in tuxes but many opted to wear nice suits and ties, as well. In my opinion, this is often acceptable depending on where you live.

However, I know that if the event were important to me and wearing a suit were going to make him stand out like a sore thumb, he'd go rent a tux in a heartbeat. Me, I grew up with that sort of stuff and I love it so I'd put on a formal and get all foo-fooed up for him in a second.

People do these sorts of things for each other.

Mmmmm . . . I love to see a guy in a tux!!

You know, it could be that he is just afraid of embarrassing himself or you. Black tie affairs do tend to carry with them a certain amount of etiquette and if a guy has not been raised to know the decorum, he could be afraid. One thing I have learned about the young guys is that they don't want to stand out for the wrong reasons. It frustrates them if they are taken out of their comfort zone and have to go to an affair where they might not know the correct fork, manner of address, etc. They are afraid of looking like a fool or being made fun of. Tutor him if you have to, but I do think he should at least make the effort once for you. Then if it's not his "cup of tea," you can go without him the next time.

Peachy's right. Knowing how to handle one's self in polite society is not a bad thing for a fellow to know.

I DETEST black tie events. I've been to a grand total of one of them (a professional society event to which spouses weren't even invited) in the 30 years I've been married -- and I belong to a couple of professional groups that have them every year (or more frequently). Like your guy, though, I'd go if my wife really wanted me to -- and especially if she was going anyway and enjoying herself.

Fortunately for me, my wife hates such events at least as much as I do (if not even more than I do), so there's ZERO pressure to go to them for me. The result is that while I have plenty of friends who own a tuxedo and wear one regularly, I've worn one a grand total of three times in my life -- for my high school prom, my first wedding, and the one professional event.

He sounds threatened. You are already "there". Being a jeans and beer guy is nice if it pays the bills but he wouldn;t be with you if that's what he really wanted.

Personally, I'd prefer to wear a suit for a wedding or a funeral, and a funeral only if I were the corpse. :D

I don't know many guys who enjoy dressing up for events other than those. I've only "dressed up" once this entire past year, and that was for my niece's wedding. Maybe it's just something that's hard-wired into us guys. :p I'm sure if it were just a simple non-formal get-together, he wouldn't have had any problem with it.