how true is this for you???

I moved this from a new member thread ......Mrs. HH listed quotes made about older women and this one struck a chord with me.....Hi and welcome, Kelela :)

An older woman's been around long enough to know who she is, what she wants, and from whom. By the age of 50, few women are wishy-washy. About anything. Thank God! [/INDENT]

How true is this for all my fellow 40+ OW out there? ....you know, ....I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted etc..but then I met my YM and this relationship sometimes completely disarms me!!!!! I've been a strong, independent woman, including raising children on my own, making ends meet, active in national and local causes and movements....can speak in front of an audience of 200....and now I find myself floundering around a fair bit wondering who I am and what I want......but I think that's more about being in a relationship (after not for a LONG time) (and a LDR at that!!) than it is being with this YM and even more than the 'relationship ', I think it's the time in my life when all things seem to be changing (career, where I live...) . It's like the intimacy and love that I'm experiencing is opening up this part of me that is soooo vulnerable and at times insecure. Any similar experiences out there? Any thoughts?

*chuckle*

Well, since I've been quoted, it only seems right for me to respond :)

Sure, I do have wishy-washy moments but they are nothing like the insecurity I experienced when I was in my 20s.

I, too, have always been a strong woman. I've raised five children by myself, I've performed in front of huge audiences, and I've accomplished much. But inside, I always wondered if I really was as good as people thought I was. Was I really thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough? Or was I just duping everyone?

Twenty years later, here I am. I weigh 100 lbs more than I did in my twenties. I'm starting over after getting through a financially and emotionally catastrophic divorce. I am one tough broad and I do know who I am and what I want in life. And yes, I do have wishy washy moments but they don't bother me in the slightest. I'm human and I'm totally cool with that.

I think that's what the writer was getting at -- older women have been around the sun enough times to (usually) be much more comfortable with their imperfections. And that is a very strong and sexy way of thinking.

i think as a general rule we DO know what we want in life even though we may have our wishy washy moments...however, sometimes life throws us curve balls that cause us to re-evaluate what it is we want...

in august, my brother was killed unexpectedly in a car accident...5 days after his funeral the YM i was seeing, left me for someone else...talk about have your world crash around you...it was the worst thing i've ever been through hands down...

but as the smoke has cleared, i feel my perspective changing...the things i was so damn sure of, i'm now questioning...for example, since my divorce 3 years ago, i've told anyone who would listen that i was retired from marriage...now, i find myself rethinking that on an almost daily basis...

and it doesn't necessarily have to be a traumatic event mariposa...you said this relationship completely disarmed you...thus it caused you to rethink what you thought it was you wanted...and believe me, when we've been so completely sure of what we wanted, the change can be scary!

i also agree with Mrs. HH...we are comfortable with our imperfections and that in itself is a very sexy way of thinking indeed...just watch out for the curve balls!:D

Hmmm.....I actually have found myself saying "I don't know what i want to be when I grow up". Not something I EVER said before my divorce.

I have grown in many ways & I have also had time to reflect on my life experiences & choices.

Am I where I want to be? Not really. Do I love my job? Not really. Am I secure financially & emotionally? Not really.

Although I have a "not really" answer to almost everything, I do know that I am smarter, wiser & stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I have learned to not sweat the small stuff & be truly happy for all I have been blessed with.

In my 30's I think I was more materialistic & life had superficial meaning. Now at 46 I appreciate my life, my children & my friends. My ym keeps me refreshed & seeing the world through the innocent eyes I once had. I am also alot less inhibited.

I am happier now at 46 than I ever was during my 20 year marriage & that is what is truly important to me.

Does my ym make me "think"? He sure does & it's all good.:)

Interesting topic.

But not sure what I think about it. *joking* :D


At 41, I'm definitely more confident and I'm more sure about some things that I was probably more wishy-washy about when I was younger.

I've always been one who is all for change and growth but I'm even more open to it now. Does that make me wishy-washy? The fact that I'm willing to change my point of view on things, change my approach to things? Learn new ways? I don't think so...

Fundamentally and foundationally, I know better now who I am as a human being and as a woman...and sometimes I'm not 100 percent sure what I want out of life...but I'm more sure about certain things that I DON'T want in my life!

I've been a strong, independent woman...

...and now I find myself floundering around a fair bit wondering who I am and what I want......but I think that's more about being in a relationship (after not for a LONG time) (and a LDR at that!!) than it is being with this YM and even more than the 'relationship ', I think it's the time in my life when all things seem to be changing (career, where I live...) . It's like the intimacy and love that I'm experiencing is opening up this part of me that is soooo vulnerable and at times insecure. Any similar experiences out there? Any thoughts?


Mariposa, I can really relate to what you're saying, on many levels.

At 39, my life flipped upside down. I wound up out of work, broken hearted and totally disillusioned about a lot of things. I moved to a city where I didn't know a single person, took a job with a new company...and got my heart broken again.

These things...and you mentioned changes in your career and location...require us to be flexible and open to growth, but it doesn't mean that deep down inside that we don't know who we are more than when we were 20. And, in fact, being open and flexible about change requires that we be strong.

And relationships...do they EVER have the power to make us 'review' our Selves. Some relationships encourage us...almost require us...to re-evaluate our Selves...and we may temporarily feel as if we're floundering.

I am in a relationship with a man right now where review of my Self is increasing my own confirmation of who I am more than any relationship I've ever been in. Our discussions about serious topics require me to really know myself. And discussions about things that we're trying to discern where our viewpoints and opinions conflict or correlate require me to figure myself out if I didn't know where I really stood on something before the discussion! And like you said, I feel utterly vulnerable at times and it scares the cr*p out of me.

Change and growth is good, Mariposa. These phases of 'wondering'...floundering...only serve to further firm up our own understanding of our Selves.


Hmm....am I yammering??

Mariposa...not a common word...wondering if we're "neighbors"...geographically

Indeed, an interesting topic. I'm currently going through a lot of introspection in what I want to do with the rest of my life given that I am going to be retiring in a year and a half after teaching 27 years. You know, nothing ever is cast in concrete. I'm learning even at 61 years of age that we are constantly evolving and growing. We can be so sure of something and then, wham, something happens that causes you to re-evaluate. It's the nature of the universe. There will always be surprises. I think I finally got it, that nothing ever stays the same. That the only thing that never changes is change itself. I don't like it, but, it is what it is.

and I alluded to something like this last year when I was thinking I was having a mid -life crisis of sorts! I think that what everyone said is correct... life is full of "passages" and how we get through one "passage" will determine what our next one will be. Hence we once "confident women", have found ourselves in a new senario due to our younger men, and what we perhaps THOUGHT we knew about life is no longer true in that area and maybe even in more as the "domino effect" can then take place (but like in SG's passage it was a good domino effect!) I know for me, my next life passage is totally unlike my friends' lives and to be honest, I am having a hard time identifying with all they are going through as even though we are in the same book, we are in totally different chapters! And for me, all I know is that my chapter(s) seem(s) a lot more exciting than theirs are at the moment (grandkids, planning for retirement, health vs great love, sex, new surroundings and helping a country!! :D)

....Twenty years later, here I am. I weigh 100 lbs more than I did in my twenties...

My goodness, that sounds lovely!! :D :p



Okay, sorry to interrupt... Please carry on. :)

i think that yes we do come to a point in life where we do know who we are and what we want, but for me the balance is to still keep the freshness and the hope alive i had when i was younger.

my opinions that may have been fashioned from the last twenty years may not ultimately be what makes me better, thats my awareness, i have not figured it all out yet and will hold on to my youth and freshness as long as humanly possible even if that leads me (please God) to my 90's.

i used to think i was a tough broad also but realized it was during this time for me that i was fighting a great fight and thats the name i put on myself.

i dont want to be tough, i want to be as kind and loving as my husband, i want to be smart and invite the people i WANT into my life. i want to be open and fresh.

its kinda easier to put on the tough exterior, i started to notice it in my face, demeanor and thinking, i still try to stop those thoughts when the come to my head. for me its harder work to always take the kinder softer road, that is the work for me.

I do know who I am, what I am, what I want and where I'm going. I am very, very rarely, if ever, wishy washy or indecisive. But these traits have nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that I am 55. I have always been that way. So I don't know that I would attribute those feelings to age or maturity. I know many, many wishy washy people and, for the most part, they were that way when they were younger and they are still that way in their 50's.

.

in august, my brother was killed unexpectedly in a car accident...5 days after his funeral the YM i was seeing, left me for someone else...talk about have your world crash around you...it was the worst thing i've ever been through hands down...

...

but as the smoke has cleared, i feel my perspective changing...the things i was so damn sure of, i'm now questioning...for example, since my divorce 3 years ago, i've told anyone who would listen that i was retired from marriage...now, i find myself rethinking that on an almost daily basis...



Wow - I just wanted to react to this rather than let it slip by. This is a lot of loss in one punch and I hope you're doing well.

We are stronger at our age I think - but that doesn't make us unfeeling. I find I am much less disabled by emotion than I was when younger. Experience of surviving makes you more confident in the face of adversity I think.

As to the retirement from marriage - when my ex and I separated about 7 years ago, I vowed never again, got my friends to promise to shoot me if I ever even went on a date again and I thought I meant it.

Three-plus years or so ago I kind of came back to life and I remember that sense of reawakening and reenergizing as being really very wonderful.

I'm much more sure of who I am than I was when I was younger and much more sure of what I want. Strangely - or perhaps not - this allows me to let more things go. I am so much more relaxed in my current relationship than I ever have been with others.

I guess strength allows you to be flexible.

Wow - I just wanted to react to this rather than let it slip by. This is a lot of loss in one punch and I hope you're doing well.

We are stronger at our age I think - but that doesn't make us unfeeling. I find I am much less disabled by emotion than I was when younger. Experience of surviving makes you more confident in the face of adversity I think.

As to the retirement from marriage - when my ex and I separated about 7 years ago, I vowed never again, got my friends to promise to shoot me if I ever even went on a date again and I thought I meant it.

Three-plus years or so ago I kind of came back to life and I remember that sense of reawakening and reenergizing as being really very wonderful.

I'm much more sure of who I am than I was when I was younger and much more sure of what I want. Strangely - or perhaps not - this allows me to let more things go. I am so much more relaxed in my current relationship than I ever have been with others.

I guess strength allows you to be flexible.

thanks hon...i'm doin' okay considering...good days and bad which is to be expected i think...and i really appreciate you taking the time to reply...

i love your term of reawakening...that so fits what i feel like i'm going through...sometimes it's a lil disconcerting but overall i know it's a good thing...

haha...i got the same promise from from friends and family...my oldest daughter still has her gun ready...she will take some convincing that it will be okay if it ever happens...

strength indeed allows you to be flexible...it also allows you to grow...

thanks again for your post hon...

My goodness, that sounds lovely!! :D :p



Okay, sorry to interrupt... Please carry on. :)

*burst of laughter* totally caught me off guard! Tim is standing here as I write and he says, "oh yeah! oh yeah! AWOOOOGAAAA!"

Thanks everyone for all you're sharing.

firstly I want to say to iluvmonkeys2.... I can imagine what you are going through and I feel for you deeply & my heart reaches out to you....my sister died instantly in a car accident 18 yrs ago (in the month of august too) and my brother died of lung cancer 2 1/2 yrs ago....these 2 events along with the birth of my 2 kids have been the most intense, challenging and at the same time, life affirming events that have ever happened in my life. It's sure not easy but what amazing life changing experiences!!!

I too have always been a strong, capable and independent woman....which has its roots in both healthy and unhealthy ways of coping. The unhealthy, thankfully, I've done a LOT of work on and it has changed (people say they can see the changes in my face even).....and I've opened up to the softer, sensual and happy side of who I am (don't get me wrong here..these too are mighty strong and powerful sides). So it's no surprise, really, that I find myself in a relationship once again. It's like my new (well, resurfaced and reconnected--she's always been there :) ) self is getting a chance to test the waters so to speak ...u know, being open and vulnerable really IS okay and safe. And being unsure is okay too....just means I'm human and not superwoman!! (thank the goddess for that!!)

My best friend (who BTW, doesn't think my relationship is really one that could last a long time...hmmm...can't say I agree with her on that anymore..not after finding agelesslove and hearing many many of your stories!!!) told me she thinks it takes a lot of courage to do what I'm doing....and I agree and that's strength & flexibility coming through. It takes courage to think about changing one's life completely (like changing careers and moving to another country--which is in the works for sometime next year...) and jumping (or creeping..) into an intimate love relationship. It's also extremely exhilirating and refreshing to find myself in this 'upheaval' -- nothing like a spring cleaning of the soul!!! :D

In some ways I feel like I'm reliving my 20-30's...and getting a chance to live them in a healthy way (unlike what I experienced then)... what fun to have the wisdom of my 47 yr old self and the exhuberance of my 20+ self! It's like u say lovaholic...."smarter, wiser, stronger.....and appreciate my life ...and I'm a lot less inhibited"

kittylane..I love your choice of words: 'the kinder softer road...." Exactly! There's nothing I have to prove to anyone, not even myself anymore. What a relief!

Okay..must go and have a chat with my bf on msn ;) ..... c u all l8r!

Mariposa...not a common word...wondering if we're "neighbors"...geographically


well..I'm in Canada...so not THAT close to you ......at least not geographically...:)

i guess it is about being aware of who you are as a person.

i wish there were a better word than wishy/washy, but i fall into the category that i dont want to think i KNOW all the answers and at the end of the day, all i have is my opinion and everyone else has thiers.

i am strong where i need to be and want to let go of things i dont need to control.

i like to really look at the things i think i have the right to control, there in usually lies the problem with me.

i am sure that does not make sense, but maybe thats what makes me a bit of a flake. ;) or wishy/washy.

:D

Kitty!! I don't think you're a flake! :D

My definition of wishy-washy is someone who just can't make up their mind where they stand. First, they think one thing and then another and they're back to the first. Never a firm opinion on anything.

There is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to investigate and evaluate before you make your stand. I do that on all important matters. I don't feel that makes me wishy-washy . . . it makes me more able to make an informed decision. But once I make a decision (based on that research) then I am prepared to stand pretty firm on that decision.

BTW, your post made plenty of sense! :)

Every decade has it's gifts I have learned. I have to say that for me, the 40's were the worst though. Maybe it was because the hormones were fluctuating or that was when my kids (first 2 anyway) were teenagers, that decade was mostly hell. :eek:

The 50's have brought a sense of security and comfort with a new appreciation for my parents, who have helped me this past year. Now that I am 60, I am finally looking forward to what joys this decade will bring.

well..I'm in Canada...so not THAT close to you ......at least not geographically...:)


Ah-ha. There's a Mariposa City and Mariposa County not far from me, here in California. Wondering if you were living in the same mountain range!

i guess it is about being aware of who you are as a person.

i wish there were a better word than wishy/washy, but i fall into the category that i dont want to think i KNOW all the answers and at the end of the day, all i have is my opinion and everyone else has thiers.

YES. This is EXACTLY what I was driving at. There is nothing "wishy-washy" about being comfortable with not having all the answers! In my opinion, therein lies one of the greatest strengths of maturity!

When I was in college (1978-1980) in my dorm room I had a poster up with a very devastated looking, exhausted, orangutan that had the following written on it:

"JUST WHEN I LEARNED ALL OF LIFE'S ANSWERS THEY CHANGE ALL THE QUESTIONS"

I am far from being that orangutan! jajajaja

PS I love my age, 47, and the wisdom I have attained as I have gotten older!

wow thanks guys! off topic! i missed my mother this thanksgiving, i think i was angry at her the last 10 years, she passed away 13 years ago, i was a bit jealous yellow rose still has her mom.....take about a woman who lived thru ALOT, my father was no picnic. we do have it better than past generations in so many ways.

thanks for the compliments, you guys are great.

Hi All,
Haven't written in a little while...but this post caught my eye. Turning 50 this year has given me much reflection. If I'm lucky, I'll have another 50 years ahead of me and will be able to spend that time w/ my YM. For me I have been working on coming to a place of acceptance. I think that's my biggest issue. As a young woman I think I always had a strong sense of restlessness: something better was always 'out there'. Jobs, relationships, places to live...you get the idea. Because of that I think I've made changes in my life that maybe weren't always smart or necessary, even though they felt that way at the time. Not that I regret making them, because everything we do brings us to here today. I wouldn't have met my YM if I hadn't made many of the changes. But I have struggled for 4 years in our relationship and I think I finally have seen that I make some of the struggles myself. Learning to just be, take things as they come and accept more things (not everything mind you) can help lead you toward a more content life. Realizing that I am truly blessed with what I have (a wonderful man, great kids, a warm home, food in my belly, my health and no bombs dropping over my head), what more can I ask for? You can always convince yourself there's something bigger and better out there, but I've decided that what I have is just fine.