Jelouse of a sexy 22 year old

Hello everyone..
I'm Brenda and ive been reading the advices for sometime and found them really helpful.
Anyway i'm 37 years old and my younger man is 21.We've been together for 3 years.
Well the problem is his new neighbour(lets call her Jessica).She's 22,hot,beautiful and sexy.She's got legs to die for and the most adorable personality.At first i didn't think anything of it until i noticed her coming over alot and he going over to hrer place(alot!).Ive also noticed them exchanging some looks.When i told him i'm not really comfortable with their friendship,he was like sometimes a guy needs to be with his own peers.
Last night while we were talking,i asked him if he see us together growing old.He didn't really want to answer and told me he loves me and thats all that matters.I don't want to tie him down but at the same time i want him to be with me always.
And yea right now they're playing some God knows what music and laughing alot:rolleyes:
Pls advice:confused:

it sounds like youre in whats called a "polyamorous" relationship. just be sure that everyone gets tested regularly. hope that helps. enjoy!

Tell him that either he quits this friendship or you are through. I think that he is not respecting you. I would not put up with such behavior.

very innocently i have in my past included wemon who actually had the hots for the men i was with at the time.

my skank radar is now perfected, i just dont tolerate it from the get go, guys are gullable at times and sometimes we underestimate the friendly female neighbor, co-worker, client.

the fact that there are wemon who think nothing of taking another woman's man, the guys are not angels either believe me, they egg on the attention.

this is one of those things that i personally would have zero tolerance for, maybe there are some people here on the board who could live with this situation and are available to help.

Tell him that either he quits this friendship or you are through. I think that he is not respecting you. I would not put up with such behavior.
I agree!! The excuse about a guy needing to spend time with his peers is really lame, IMO. You are his girlfriend- if it bothers you, he should respect you and stop seeing her.

I'm so so sorry to say such a negative thing, but personally I would leave this guy... You deserve someone who makes you feel appreciated and loved, and who shares the same goals in life and wants to grow old with you. I get really skeptical when I hear that old line, "I love you and that's all that matters."

I know leaving him after 3 years is easier said than done, so maybe that isn't for you, it's just my 2 cents... I would suggest at least doing *something*, don't just put up with things the way they are because it'll only make you sad. Maybe try talking to him, or if that doesn't work, seek couples counseling? Anyway good luck to you, hope things work out!

I agree with the other posters. If your guy needs to be with his "peers," then he needs to be hanging out with his same-gender buddies. And I don't think much of women who have little regard for exclusive relationships, either. :mad:

You know, this whole age difference thing does work both ways. I finally realized that my husband is just as unnerved by the professional discussions and comfortable conversations that I have with men my own age as I am by the smiles that he receives from younger women with firmer skin. And so we simply respect each other. We have a rule: we do not hang out with members of the opposite gender unless we are together.

It sounds to me as if he is already being unfaithful. I hate to say it...but it might be time to take off the blinders and look at your relationship seriously. 3 years is a long time, however, I believe he is being disrespectful of you, and you should make your decisions based on his behavior. Would you continue a friendship with a man your age in the same manner if he asked you to stop or told you it was bothering you?

If you are compromising your relationship because of a person who is not part of it (Jessica), is it worth it?

No one should have to hurt to feel love. If pain is part of him loving you then you are holding on to memories, not a mutual love anymore.

You can't make him love you. So don't even bother to try. Just let him know that he's hurting you and then distract yourself with activities that are positive reinforcements to your self-esteem (work-out, take a hobby, anything!).

Nothing at this point will stop him from doing what he wants to do. You can only pray that he has some scruples and does not cause you harm. Focus on other things and build up your defenses.

Easier said then done, but it honestly is all you can do right now. Oh yeah...and vent about it here!

Why does this girl come over to your house anyway? I mean I know she's a neighbor and all but is she like a new playmate or something. And why does he go over to hers?

Last night while we were talking,i asked him if he see us together growing old.

You're asking a 21 yr old, who you meet at 18 to envision 20/30 years with the same woman for x period of time. Unless you can answer that yourself at 18/21...that's a bit farfetch even for him to reach. You're thinking in terms of 'old and grey', but he will always be younger and young looking therefore, who knows what will happen between now and then.

Maybe the question should be phrase differently, who knows. But asking him to envision anything beyond today, this very second will not give you the answer you seek and even if he gives you a good answer, that's predicated upon change never occurring and as someone on another forum stated, "the only thing that never changes is change" and you have to accept that.

Maybe he does need to be with his peers, male and female, and maybe he's just not that into you anymore and the novelty is wearing off and this yw is letting him see that. But I say, be prepare...something wicked just may come and it may not be pretty. You've spoken to him already, speak again if it bothers you so much, but emphasize that if anything were to happen between himself and this yw he would lose alot of your respect and he will be sitting out on the curb quicker than quicksand. He has to be made to understand what the consequences of his actions are when it comes to you. I know when we're young we have no clue as to what our decisions can provoke in the fallout either within us or others.

Then don't mention it again, once he knows where you stand, let him govern himself, he's old enough not to be babied or handheld. The choice is his and if he's going to ditch your relationship in this way he will know that HE was the culprit for doing so. You can't continue to get on his case just because you've been together 3 years/are in love or have visions of growing old together and don't want to start over again...

He's a grown man, should know what he wants...maybe...is ready to grow old, most definitely...with you...?, I doubt whether he knows for sure.

he just knows he's young, one can't fault him for that only for the responsbility he takes, one can only hope its alot.

Paris

Brends


It sounds to me that the only way you are going to get your guy back, is if Jessica drops dead of some incurable disease.

And I know right now....you are probably at the 'wanting your guy back' stage....

This is (I know) is a horrible thing to have befallen you.....theres not much in this world that hurts more than this type of situation....Im sorry you are going through this.

However, ....I believe it is time to get some honesty happening here.....You must tell your guy that you were not born yesterday....and you 'know' something is going on.....OR about to go on.....

If he has found 'another'......then you must be properly informed of this......and not left in the dark....

Cyranos mentioned that you should just 'leave him'......and if you were that strong, THIS would be the very best thing for you to do......BUT ....not many women are that strong...we seem to want to 'suffer' for whatever reasons.....

Anyway......I can tell you your suffering will be less if you make some 'firm' decisions now......This is not acceptable behaviour......so you have to call the shots, and you have to get him to 'fess up'....as you Americans would say.....!!!

The lure of a new romantic development can cause a lot of people to go into a 'drug' like state......When in this 'state', it is quite hard to see that you are hurting somebody else......or you just dont care because it all feels so good.....



Good luck.......

Three years is a long time, both for you and him, so it is clear that he has feelings, and they didn't dry up overnight. But he is 21. I don't know how you were ,but I changed so much in my 20s, and the love relationship I started with, I left at 22 and came back to at 25. I was curious and restless. He was 18 when you started. How much can he know yet?

I guess I am trying these days to look at the long haul. I too want my YM (age 23) to be with me forever. We have been seeing each other 2 years, and for part of that, he was also seeing someone else. I hated it, reacted, cried, all that. Then I did what I think was the mature thing, which was set limits for myself, honored his autonomy, and let go. And he came back, and pretty soon. For all men, this thing is a process of exploring, resisting, and allowing yourself to be "caught" in the snare of love. They want freedom and they want nurturing, and at no time is the conflict between these stronger than in the 20s, IMO.

The way I am looking at it now, these pullings away are part of his own growth and decision process. Sure he wants me. Your guy wants you. He's stuck with it for 3 years, and at that young age, with huge obstacles. But he still hasn't experienced much, and if he doesn't, he won't really know what he wants, or he will doubt what he has, its value. On the other hand, if he does the normal exploring thing, it will deepen his ability to see what he has. When I committed at 21, I had holes in my understanding and ability to commit. My partner suffered from my ups and downs. But they were normal, at least for me. I needed the time away.

So, back to the big picture. If you want forever, you may need to give him time to grow. But you can't be in a triangle. I tried that, thinking that if I pulled out, I left the field to her, gave her the advantage. But the truth is that absence makes the heart grow fond. You have depth that she just can't touch yet -- it is chronologically impossible. He won't forget that, believe me. But he may have some lessons to learn. You may lose him, but if you do, you wouldn't have lasted anyway. And I have a hunch that if you let go, very nicely and understandingly and lovingly, and just say, I love you alot, and I see you are restless and need time on your own, so I want to take some time apart...... even if he protests, even better. You insist, no I really have thought about it, and you dont need to feel tied to me right now, you need to feel free to explore and see what you want.... the more he protests, the more you insist. You don't even have to mention the girl.

Well, it does two things. It keeps you from being associated with guilt (mom, etc.), keeps your image and memory clean in his mind ( and believe me, young women do NOT know how to do this... they project all sorts of stuff and drama, and guys hate that). It also works a nice little magic.... guys often want what they can't have. Now you become the thing he wanted and is being denied. Men do love to pursue. Often, if you keep politely pulling back, he will keep trying to approach. But I think it is best to follow through for now. Even a few months or several months is a drop in the bucket, compared to a lifetime together. And he will lay in bed remembering the comfort he felt with you, and wonder, what was I thinking?? You can keep in touch during this time away... it will be even more reinforcing for him of the good he had with you and your ability to give him freedom and still love him. You will be more of the lady in the woods than the old ball and chain.

If on the other hand, you continue to cling, and look the other way, she stays the forbidden fruit, he stops respecting you, you become mom, the one he hides stuff from, and the whole thing starts to turn upside down. You already formed a bond with him. You can let him move some, and rely on that bond. If it breaks, better now than later. But I have a hunch that it won't break that easily. She is more likely mind-candy than anything satisfying for him. She feeds his ego.

And the other thing that is good about the "taking a break" thing -- the reverse psychology thing -- other than making him appreciate you more for understanding his need for freedom, want you more because you are being denied him, and lettting him feel how much he misses you when you are not part of his daily life -- is that you can also, maybe not right away, but start making him wonder if you are starting to explore too. You can just go to galleries or something, but can be vague about going with "friends." He will pick up pretty quick that because of his choices, he no longer has the right to ask, "with who?" and it will drive him crazy. This may sound a bit like game-playing, but really it isn't at all. It is being someone's life lesson. He gets to feel what you have felt, and develop more empathy. He gets a taste of what his infidelity to your love (even if it is only in his mind at this point) has put you through.

Of course, every relationship is different, but I think the mode I used most of my life, of being always reassuring, always available, always reaching out, really didn't work that well for me. And wasn't as much fun. Once you get over the panic of letting go, it is kind of nice to pull away, and feel a man chasing. They dig it, as long as you don't get carried away. And older women can really know how to do it right, so your men don't feel manipulated. And truly you are not manipulating. You are simply respecting your space, and giving them some. And giving the important opportunity to pursue you, and sort through their feelings without pressure. I can't recommend it highly enough, with your YM.

Of course, results are not guaranteed. But I can guaranty that whatever happens, you will feel 100% better about yourself, and stronger.

I say good luck, too.

I agree with the other posters. If your guy needs to be with his "peers," then he needs to be hanging out with his same-gender buddies. And I don't think much of women who have little regard for exclusive relationships, either. :mad:

...

We have a rule: we do not hang out with members of the opposite gender unless we are together.


I agree. I mean, what are these two doing with all of that time that they spend together? If it were a guy, I'd imagine that they're playing video games or something. These two are forfeiting their social time to spend time together, or, rather, this is their social time. They're hanging out, getting to know each other better.

I think there's a line between trusting our SO and understanding that as adults we DO have friends of the opposite gender, and putting ourselves into compromising situations. If some woman were spending a ton of her free time at my SOs house, or vice-versa...I'd have to address that one pretty darn directly. And if I presented the situation to him in reverse, and he told me that he'd have no problem with some man hanging out at my place all the time, then I'd have to conclude that he's either stupid or doesn't care if the guy is after me or not.

As for not hanging out with members of the opposite gender when not together, I think that this is a very good rule of thumb. It may not always be possible because, especially as we get older, we tend to have a few true friends of the opposite gender. Still, we need to be persistently conscious of how these friendships integrate with our love relationships, out of respect for the relationship and the other person. The situation that you're describing, Brenda, reflects a lack of respect for you and the relationship.



... guys are gullable at times and sometimes we underestimate the friendly female neighbor, co-worker, client.

the fact that there are wemon who think nothing of taking another woman's man, the guys are not angels either believe me, they egg on the attention.

this is one of those things that i personally would have zero tolerance for, maybe there are some people here on the board who could live with this situation and are available to help.

Kitty, you're right. Not that all men do this but a lot of them will: Claim innocence (for lack of a better way to put it) about the actions of these women. In other words, it doesn't mean that there IS something going on but they act as if they have no idea what the woman is up to. They like the attention and if they're good guys, they may intent to just flirt with the idea of other stuff in their head with no 'real' intentions, but then can get caught off-guard because they've put themselves into a compromising situation. And I am in no way making excuses for a guy that finds himself in this situation and does the wrong thing, because he CHOSE to put himself in that situation. Period.

There are definitely a lot of women out there who have no morals when it comes to taking...actively pursuing...another woman's guy. Like Kitty said: Skanks.

Fantastic advice.

I couldn't have said it better myself except it would've come out a bit more bluntly...

Remember this is about you and protecting your self worth. That is yours to protect, not his. At this point in this relationship, he has no clue how to protect it anyway since he thinks of nothing about going to this girls house alone without thinking how it will make you feel, or what ideas will go into this girl's head. Don't blame the girl either...if she gets the idea its basically because he didn't think to protect himself or her either. When it comes to his ego, its all about him.

So, first and foremost, figure how to protect yourself first and then know that you'll be ok, even if he leaves...

Because you just never know who just might be around the corner from someone else.

paris

Findthemagic:

Well, that's one possible approach but I cannot jump on that bandwagon.

If I cannot have direct conversations with the man in my life about every single aspect of our relationship, then I don't want to be with that person.

I'm an adult and any man that is in my life as a SO better be an adult, as well. Along with being an adult comes the expectation that one can converse about even the most difficult topics. And, frankly, there are much more difficult topics for two people in a long-term relationship to address than whether or not they should be spending all kinds of time with a member of the opposite sex. This topic seems like a no brainer, if you ask me.

If my boyfriend started spending the kind of time with another woman that the OP is describing, I can guarantee you that there would be a composed but frank discussion about it. If he insisted that things continue the same way, I'd be really clear with him about him apparently needing his space AND I'd be really clear about why it looks that way to me.

I'm not about to play some game that involves indulging 'mind candy' and 'ego feeding'. A mature man - regardless of age - understands the look but don't touch desires that run through the human mind (heart, libido) on occasion. I'm not interested in 'teaching' someone about these natural and normal aspects of being a human being. And, I admit, even if I were interested in going through this type of learning experience with someone, it would have to be via direct conversation.

If I'm not feeding his ego enough (and I am pretty darn generous with the ego feeding) then he is more than welcome to go somewhere else...and if he goes, chances are that he's going to walk out a one-way door.

She can go to galleries...while he's boinking the hottie next door? All I have to say to that is "Whatever..."

If a man is so immature to truly go after something because he 'wants it but can't have it', he can have it and it can have him. I understand the concept of 'wanting something you can't have' but to ruin a long-term relationship for it, well, that would tell me exactly where a person stands, and I'd be outta there.


Findthemagic, you worded our post very eloquently and the 'images' you create are nice but I find the methodology leaves something to be desired, at least for me. And, of course, I can only speak for myself.

I'm all about direct communication and I have no room for game playing or manipulation, including 'reverse psychology.

Simply put....the guy is disrespecting you. Regardless of age, nobody in a relationship should be spending that kind of time with a person of the opposite sex. I see red flags all over the place on this one. If he were just looking for time with his peers, he'd be with the guys. I don't believe in ultimatums, but in this case, I'd give him one. I know you're probably in a state of wanting to believe in him so badly, that you can't bring yourself to see that he may be cheating with this skank (and yes, she IS a skank, because she is knowingly stepping on another gal's territory). In fact, little Jessica is probably downright proud of herself, for being able to come between two people who have a 3 year history together. It's time for a serious talk, like Science Goddess says...direct conversations are key. If he won't talk, then you need to walk. Take your pride, and your dignity, and get the hell out of Dodge. Let him and Jessica have their moment....and be assured that Jessica will get hers, when he comes out of his coma and realizes what he's done. It may not be that he'll come back to you, but rest assured that he will NOT stay with her. Girls like her are not made to stay with....they are diversions.

Science, you made some interesting points, but I am thinking that maybe you missed the gist of my post, possibly. I re-read it, and saw a couple places where I left things to be read in between the lines, or was vague maybe. That could explain it.

you said: "If my boyfriend started spending the kind of time with another woman that the OP is describing, I can guarantee you that there would be a composed but frank discussion about it. If he insisted that things continue the same way, I'd be really clear with him about him apparently needing his space AND I'd be really clear about why it looks that way to me."

This is exactly what I was advocating, if you review the post. Except that I was actually advising her to go further than a discussion, and to actually effect a moving apart physically. I am thinking that the work is already in progress, as far as he is concerned.... it may go from the mind to the body any time now... but I was leaving her to draw that conclusion for herself, about how far things have gone. I am assuming that they have had the "frank discussion" without follow up action already, and he said they were just friends, etc. I think the question she is putting to us is: now what?

What I was trying to say is: whether he has been physically unfaithful or not, he clearly is having doubts, or at least is wandering in his focus. Of course she can just end things, but then he is 23. It sounds like to me that you are saying to her, just dump him now, is that right?

I was never suggesting that she indulge his little foray. I was saying that IF she does indulge it, it will turn the relationship upside down. In other words, hanging in and tolerating this is likely to be a relationship killer. I am not sure what you read into the mind candy reference, or where you get the ego feeding there, but no matter. Clearly a misunderstanding.

Some of us don't want to date, even if a person we are interested in is dating someone else. I was contemplating that during this trial separation, she might be one of these types of women, so doing something harmless like a gallery might be more to her liking. But if they are living apart, I don't think she should keep on feeding his ego while he sees someone else by constantly professing her continued loyalty to him, and make him feel that she will wait forever and accept him no matter what. There are some realities here, and one of them is that (even if not now) she may end up dating again too, if he goes on too long without coming back to her. My idea here is to be equitable. If he is not forthcoming, why should she give him the details of her social life, if they are no longer living together? I do think this is a more even approach than continuing to chase, as he pulls away. It is a stronger approach.

I was a little confused by your recommendation. Are you saying that if he strays now, she should just confront him and forget about it? If that is the case, this is certainly an option tha several people suggested. I am trying to give her an alternative approach, which is what she asked for, if she truly doesn't want the relationship to end. Clearly something has to change right now, unless she wants their new dynamic to be that he does what he wants, and she gets walked on. She has to learn a new approach, and so does he. Since she is older, it is likely that she will be his teacher here, to some degree, though he will have other teachers too. Life is full of lessons, and I see no shame in participating in that process in a relationship. These are VYM, remember. They are experiencing stuff for the first time. I started the post by explaining that I was at one time in his position, and I know that this sort of wandering may not have any reflection on how much he loves her. I am suggesting that it may be a "phase", if you will, that he will grow out of. I am just giving her an approach to wait out that phase without being degrading to herself --- a way to respect herself, gently end the relationship, and keep the door open for him to come back when the understanding has been gained. That is all. I am presenting an alternative approach, that probably would have worked for me at his age, and actually did work for me, since I did come back later.

As for manipulation, I guess I see it differently. I said it wasn't manipulation, just setting boundaries for herself, and giving him space. I do not regard someone declining to divulge personal information as manipulation. It can be no more than an assertion of our privacy. I am not obligated to answer every question I am asked about my personal life, and my point is that neither is she. I was predicting for her what the effect might be on him, as a man who has been her man, to realize that he no longer has the right to know her whereabouts at all times. This "privacy" could very well drive home for him the implications of his own actions. When we pursue "freedom" from relationships, we also lose intimacy. There is a cost. My point is that it might be helpful for her to make obvious to him one of those costs.

Anyway, I kinda felt like your response sort of went right, while mine went left, so wanted to try to bring the two together a bit more. Did I succeed?

Tell him that either he quits this friendship or you are through. I think that he is not respecting you. I would not put up with such behavior.

I agree wholeheartedly. Whether he's cheating or not, whether he will or not, he's being disrespectful and immature. If he doesn't consider you a peer then why are you even together?

As for not hanging out with members of the opposite gender when not together, I think that this is a very good rule of thumb. It may not always be possible because, especially as we get older, we tend to have a few true friends of the opposite gender. Still, we need to be persistently conscious of how these friendships integrate with our love relationships, out of respect for the relationship and the other person.

Yes! What SG said! "Persistently conscious of how these friendships integrate with our love relationships" I really, really like that!!

Yep, what sheila4pd said. Good advice. Most of the ladies on here have excellent advice. I have had to glean from them myself on occasion.;)

Brenda:

This is so difficult to say, but I think you're seeing the writing on the wall clearly. I don't like this 22 year old luring your man away from you from under your nose, and I understand his lustiness for a man his age. He should be honest and I think that you two should have a very frank discussion about it. It seems to my imagination that your suspicions are correct and that there probably is something going on. Let him go, be gracious, but let him and yourself go. Whatever you do, though, don't get ugly or overly jealous about it. I wish you the best.

:(

Any male/female friendship in which the outside party (spouse or significant other) isn't a welcome part of is inevitabley going to ruin the relationship.

I don't need to spend time with guys my age away from my fiance. He doesn't need to spend time with girls his age away from me. If it's a female I know well and am comfortable with completely (i.e. NOT HOT, lol) and I don't have the time or desire to spend with the two of them in whatever situation, then they have my blessing. Same with me and my guy friends. I don't see them or talk to them on the phone in any way that I couldn't in front of Robin. I don't go spend time with them without him, unless he's tired and it's with his blessing that I do so, and then it's in public, always in a purely platonic setting.

A healthy relationship has no lies.

Your guy finding excuses to spend time with this girl is a way for him to find his way out of this relationship. This is not an age gap thing, this is a relationship thing. He's on his way out. He found something he was more drawn to, for whatever reason, and you'd be surprised at the reason. You think she might look better than you, but maybe it's something as simple as them having more in common, or seeing the world more of the same way. He's young and he changed his mind. It happens a lot with younger men. It sucks in a real bad way, but it's nothing you did or didn't do.

This doesn't make you unsexy, or undesireable, or unwanted. This makes you free. This means you are available for the guy who doesn't need to spend time with the next door neighbor, nor would he want to. This makes you available to meet and spend time with the right man, who, at whatever age, will find you the most interesting, irresistable woman on the planet, and the girl next door won't even be able to compete!

trust your intuition.

don't be jealous, age is fair to all of us, no one is 20-30-40 whatever forever. just embrace your own path...

how about letting him go...why do you need that going on around you (behind your back)

and you are still very young!!! dump his a** and go find someone new!!!! don't waste your 30's on this.
((hugs))

If after 3 years he can't tell you that he can see himself growing old with you it is never going to happen. This behaviour is not on and I would not tolerate it. Kick him to the kerb and get on with your life. You will find someone who wants to spend eternity with you and life is too short to waste it on someone who clearly doesn't want to.