***Forbidden Love between American OW and Indian YM***

Hello,

I am a youthful American OW who is strongly involved in long-term love with a YM from India: age difference18 years; 45 and 27, respectively.

The purpose of my posting is to learn how to effectively handle severely negative age-gap problems being thrown at us - by parents and other loved ones.

This age-gap relationship is a first for both of us and on both sides we have encountered misunderstanding, resentment, and rejection.

When they found out, his parents completely rejected the idea of us loving each other, told him that, because of my age, it’s unnatural and asked how he could even have thought of such a stupid thing. Furthermore, they have forbidden a love relationship between us and told him that he must no longer encourage love of any kind with me and if he should pursue a love commitment with me they would immediately cut him off from the family – to become an outcast forever. The specter of this horrible threat shakes him to the core.

He says there is no question of his love for me and we are one and the same in spirit, but he is tormented by the inner conflict between dedication to his parents & culture and his continued love for me. Were it not for our age difference, there would be no doubt as to whether we could marry or not. And, even though the Indian culture does not readily welcome a divorced woman to remarriage in their society, still, this is less of a problem than is my age.

But for now, he is ridden with guilt for loving me and feels that he must eventually choose between his parents and me. I believe that with some serious diplomatic efforts he could have both, but he is horrified by the thoughts of going to battle and the potential losses on either side.

He is unprepared for such life-altering negotiations. He fears that the price of acknowledging our true love will cost him his family and culture; where an arranged marriage to a suitable Indian girl would preserve them, though at the sad expense of our relationship. I fear his vulnerability to the lures of “the path of least resistance.”

??? Does anyone out there have any advice on how I could best handle the age-gap problems we are having with his very traditional Indian parents???

??? I am wondering, regardless of age, how often does an American woman fall for an Indian man???

??? And - more specifically - what about older American women with younder Indian men??? - how often does this happen???

??? What statistics could support my hope that we will be able to work things out and stay together???

??? Could anyone out there with knowledge of a similar situation to mine please reply to this posting???

I would be grateful for any advice or experiences that could possibly help me in my quest.

Thank you.

PYAR

Hello, Pyar and welcome to Ageless. I think the name of this site explains it all....Love, my dear is ageless. We don't plan who we fall in love with...or for that matter...we can't plan who comes into our lives. However, I do understand your concerns for I am in a similar situation.

I have been with my YM for a year and a half. I will try to keep this short. I was 45 when I met him...and he was 28. We met online...and proceeded from there...(most of our friends were very negative about how we could possibly build a relationship from online into reality). He lived in the UK and I live in the U.S. (another difficult reality). We had gotten to know one another very well thru our daily interactions over the internet and eventually over our long daily talks on the phone. We would spend hours at a time sharing ourselves with one another. After some time I took a trip to England to meet him for the first time...(my family and friends....strongly discouraged it). I made this trip simply because I didn't want to wait....and spend my time and emotional energy investing in this thing if it was not going to be something that was real. We both realized after we met face to face that we had, in fact, truly fell in love with one another. There was a chemistry and a completeness I found with this man that I had shared with no other before.

We had been together for a while and he made a trip home for Diwali last yr. He then mentioned me to his mom....as she was trying to arrange marriage for him at the time...and he told her he wasn't interested in that. Then in January (this yr..) he told her that he was in love with me and we were serious....She flipped her lid...and went on and on about cultural clashing....Hindu vs. Christian etc...Needless to say it was a very difficult time for him...as the horrible guilt and shame his mother tried to make him feel was a torment. It was difficult for me because I didn't know if he would be able to perserve. It felt all so uncertain. However, as time went on....he had such resolve..and told me that as much as he respected his mom...he did not owe her his life and his happiness...and that she would have to learn to accept me. There were times that we seemed to make some progress (like his mom would ask for me over the phone etc...and ask how we were doing together...etc).. but honestly....even now...she is still no closer to accepting me. In your case...its a matter of age. In ours it was the culture and religion. His mom was afraid she would be shamed in her community for having a son who married outside. And she didn't even know anything more about me....How old I am...the fact that I am divorced...and have singlehandedly raised 2 children on my own..(one who is now a beautiful 20 yr old WOMAN). So....how to proceed from there.....?? Lies ...lies and more lies..?? Until they realize what a great person and I am..?? Who could live this way?

In their eyes I have too many negatives about me...( as though I were a lowlife...or so it felt). I am 46 now...and BEAUTIFUL...!!!!!!!!inside and out...with much to offer in a relationship. I am a loving a giving soul who brings so much to others lives. I am divorced...(that is not a bad reflection.....since I was being physically abused by my ex husband ...) I am proud that I not only had the courage to walk away from that marriage..but was able to take my daughter with me ..at the time...and raise her in a peaceful loving home all by myself. I have a 9 yr old son...who is the light of my life...who makes our home a joyful one. I am an American...and glad too...as I have been taught to be open minded and accepting of differences!!! I love ALL people. We are one family...the HUMAN RACE!!!! and I instill this thinking in both my children...I tell them..that when one religion...or one ethniciity...or one group decides that it is better than the other...or better off without the other....this is DIVISION....and the reason many wars have been wage...and the reason for hatred...intolerance...and much of the suffering and unhappiness in the world.

I hope that your YM is strong enough to stand up for you and what you share. If he cannot...it doesn't mean he doesn't love you...but is under fear and power of his family. Perhaps things will work out with time...but be prepared for an uneasiness journey in the sense that much of the time you will be uncertain of the future of your relationship. If you can deal with that ...all well and good. I am sorry if I ranted here...or wasn't very encouraging. These situations are very delicate....and many different variables will affect the outcome...So no one can really say what the end result will be. I wish you happiness and love in this relationship and I hope you both are able to decide together what you want and are able to succeed in your vision for this relationship. PEACE.

I just want to give some words of support. I thought my obstacles were big at first, with a 26 year age gap, US and latin catholic tight family in different country, etc., having a child, and getting out of a ten year marriage, finding a new career that would bring me there... But you have alot to contend with, and him so much more to contend with.

The two thoughts I had were this: This is a matter of the heart, so you both must act from the heart. I have learned the hard way over my life that if I let my heart and my heart's desires die within me, my life is really lifeless. I think you know this already... that you have to follow your heart, or life is a shell. And he will have to learn this too.

The other thought was this: Miracle, in short. You need a miracle of transformation, in the minds and hearts of a traditional Indian family. Fortunately, the world is full of miracles, full of them. You can find books that talk about them, or ask people about their miracles, look for the little coincidences that weave our lives into magic...maybe even the way you two met and ended up together. I very much believe that miracles happen all the time. Prayer is a tool, and belief a stronger tool, but you can believe in this even if you are agnostic. It is a principle of life itself. You and he can believe his family into loving you, if you stand firm in patience. Ask for a miracle, and then wait to see how it all comes about. But this situation is anything but hopeless. It is nothing more than that -- a situation. And circumstances do change.

Maybe it will be easier for him right now to just stall with them, not address this. If they ask, he tells them he is still seeing you, but he doesn't push. If they try to push him, he simply doesn't move much for them. Just let time pass. And let them see his happiness, and that this thing is not going away. How many times do people give ultimatums (we will cast you out forever) when secretly they are really afraid that they might have to follow through, and have no intention of doing so. This ostacizing is simply their strongest and most effective tool in attempting to control him. If they did it, they would regret it, and any number of things could cause them to reverse their position over time. ( grandchildren come to mind, for instance, or a family crisis, or a financial gift) It will be hard for them to actually ostracize him now if he is taking the passive route. He keeps seeing you, but isn't in their face about it. I think this case calls for pushing marriage plans into the future for the time being. If you are not discussed in their home, there can be no argument. If they bring you up, he can get good and answering briefly and changing the subject, and refusing to engage with them. If they push, he can say he needs to go to the bathroom, then find an excuse to leave early. They will get the message, at least subliminally. Kinda like creative nonviolence. You can wear them down with your love. And all the time praying for/or visualizing if you are not religious/ their peace, love and acceptance. Picture yourselves all together as one happy family. Help him to see this picture, and believe that miracles do forge change in people's hearts. And then get very very patient.

You may want to see the movie The Secret, released only on the internet so far. its at thesecret.tv, and you can watch it online for $4.95. I think it may lend strength to another perspective, and give you some tools to work with.

I will be believing for you, from here. Bravo for following your hearts to this crossroads!

Have you actually met the YM yet?

He sounds like he could not bear being cut off from his family. And in reality, most people would feel the same way. I know it is hard to understand another culture but if anything you might have to ACCEPT it.

If it were me, I would let him know that you love him, but the decision MUST be his. If you try to pull back equally to his family pulling him in, you will only increase his confusion and fears. Be there for him and LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN. Don't defend your position or he will just defend the other. Understand?

Where did you meet and what do you have in common is something to think about. How "Americanized" is he? How long have you two been going together? Things like this will affect the success of the relationship, not the percentages of Indies/American relationships. :)

Dears Passion, Magic, and Yellowrose --- Thank you so much for your heart warming support.

Passion, from which what part of India is your YM? Mine is from Chandigarh and he speaks Punjabi and Hindi. I love the way he expresses his thoughts. His English is delightful and he gets such a kick out of learning and using our American idioms of speech! I am also having fun learning some Punjabi phrases… He is a really good cook, too, and so I am learning his recipes and cooking some of his favorite things, which I like quite a bit… we are both mostly vegetarian.

Magic, yes, I believe in the powers of love and in everyday miracles. There is so much beauty and magic in this life. My YM is an example of such loveliness. We both feel blessed and privileged to have found each other and to share a real love together. We are happy people; it is our natural way to be. I will try to watch the movie The Secret… it sounds intriguing…

Yellowrose, we met 2 years ago at work here in the USA and are still working together today. Our relationship has slowly evolved from being professional colleagues, to friends, then to best friends (about 1 year), to spiritual lovers (about 1/2 year), and now (for another 1/2 year) to something more wonderful.

Although we maintain separate housing, we essentially share everything else in our daily life, which includes our lunches, spirituality, meditation, music, work, office space, and a wonderful pure form of love. He says he is me and I am him. Our souls know and love each other; in fact, he is the only man ever to really know my soul and to be able to communicate with me on spiritually higher levels. I am very happy with him and when we gaze into each others’ eyes, we both feel it is like looking into eternity. His touch is like electric magic and his heart’s love is more than precious to me.

We have a song that we like so much – it is called Mitwa : “My Friend, Love will find a way”… and you can check it out at this URL: http://www.papuyaar.com/music/category/view/482/kabhi-alvida-na-kehna-(2006) --- select the 2nd song from the top… named: Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna - 02 - Mitwa (14.65 MB)

I am looking forward to more commentary from anyone who may wish to reply.

Thank you and best regards,

PYAR.

It sounds totally lovely.

Not to burst your bubble, I would not call it long term yet. Give it another year (like the last 6 months) and see what happens. Either the love will grow (hopefully) or YOU might find this isn't what you want. I know that sounds idiotic, but it happens. :)

Bottom line, it is a risk, but all love is a risk. I wish you both the best. ;)

I loved your response, and your account of the relationship, which was brief but really gave a picture. I have such a different take on this than yelllow rose, and that is what makes this site so interesting.... all the points of view.

I have had "love" a few times in my life...married twice and two other serious relationships with people with whom I was almost obsessive in my passion for them. But none of it is even remotely similar to the feeling that I have with my YM. His touch also is electric for me, as you said, and we also see into each other's souls. I remember one conversation, when we were trying hard to express what we were for each other, the doubts and fears, and at one point we both just spontaneously stopped talking, and stared into each other's eyes, continuing the conversation that way. When we were done, he just patted the bed next to him, and we went peacefully to sleep.

I guess I am saying, I know what you mean. There are some relationships that are truly spiritual, and it is something you have to touch to know, and when you do touch it, it leaves no doubt as to its uniqueness. Before I met my YM, I would not have known that I had not known love before. But this one is completely different, and through all our ups and downs, I feel sure that we will not be able to separate our lives again. I imagine that you two feel the same way.

I am super happy for both of you, and for us, because I know that when I found this, I realized i had been waiting a lifetime for it, and immediately focused most of life on making sure this one happened. And I know how truly rare it is. It is a gift, and together you two will grow in unbelievable ways.

My take on it is that some of these huge age gap relationships have happened because the two are really soulmates. Not people with compatibility complements between generations, but two souls that are so connected that even if they are annoyed by the inconvenience of the gap, of childbearing issues, of one having to watch the other die one day...of family, friends, retirement timing, other issues--- notwithstanding all those massive inconveniences, the two know that their souls are really connected, and that being with each other means a deep happiness that they have not found with anyone else.

I don't think you two are going anywhere soon. You will simply find a way for your love to find a way. I would say good luck, but I don't think you need luck anymore. You already have good fortune!