I need Feedback...from men or women...

oh boy. Im 39, dating a 20 yr old. It hasnt been serious until recently.



MAYBE I can bullet point some of it.
*he was very flaky at first, I put up with it for whatever reason..and lied about his age saying he was 22...
*I moved 2 hours away from where we both lived and he has been to see me for 3 weekends straight now
* I am not into him mentally, as many other ow have said on here about their ym.
*I was in a very serious relationship until 4 months ago which was leading, I thought to marriage....being with this ym has been a boost to my ego...He is fun.
*He is uneducated, unpretentious, simple and sexy as hell~I'm Masters Degreed, world traveled, big city gal...I used to do a little modeling, so I still look decent, I think...
*He doesnt know my age yet, he guessed 29 initially and then guessed 36 yesterday...I just havent told him yet, so then he says "I dont care anyway".
*We both have asked eachother what the other "see's" in the other...!!
*So far, I have been a bit embarssed about the age gap and our vast differences

HERE IS THE LATEST, THOUGH......I need feedback.....Again, this is a very new situation and I am still getting in touch with it myself....(its been going on for about 2-3 months, but really got started in last week or so)

We spent our first day out yesterday together as a couple and 3 weird things happened...he also said it was strange being with me because most of the gals he has dated lived with their parents and didnt own a house, like I do....despite telling me he prefers and has dated ow.
Anyway, we stroll into Starbucks and he says he saw a guy drive by in a truck who saw us and laughed..."who cares" says my ym. I thought that was odd....THEN, we go to dinner later and we get waited on by a cute young gal. He was talkng to her and I was too. Later as we leave, he is snckering. he says, "she was sure happy". That was weird to me (maybe you had to be there, he seemed sorta nervous maybe?)...THEN we go to a store and he goes to the bathroom and comes back snickering again and I see a younger gal nearby. He says she was arguing with her Mom and he thought it was funny...we then leave and as we pass this gal he loudly says, "lets go Mom" to me. I was unnerved at this point and decide ...Thats it. (Later, I said "you must not be too comfortable with the fact I'm older, ..." he says, "if that was so, I wouldnt have been kissing you and holding hands with you like I was most of the day!")
So, we jump in the car and clearly, Im annoyed. I say "you are girl crazy" and I had said this earlier and he said, "well, I am 20!". Then, in the car, he says, "yes, about you!". Not 2 seconds later , he starts to get real lovey dovey. He has been complimentary, but it went up a notch, maybe cause he knew I was mad? He says, "You are a beautiful woman". "I dont want to go home tonight" "I love you ______". "I want to come see you next weekend".
So, later on he says he is faling in love with me. Maybe he was adjusting to what it means to be with an ow? I dont know, but I am proceeding with serious caution and also, I am not intimate with him, either, due to my beliefs. He was shocked at first, but has been respectful and honors it. I realize this is a young situation, but I am curious whats next....I dont have experience with the ow/ym thing at all. It's been fun, but we are coming from totally diff places...
I spoke with him tonight and asked if he had a good time when he was here and he said, "Couldnt have been better". Any feedback would be great...

I dont get what it is you want feedback on.

You said at the beginning of your post ....being with this ym has been a boost to my ego...He is fun.
*He is uneducated, unpretentious, simple and sexy as hell and then

It's been fun, but we are coming from totally diff places...


Different places meaning age, maturity ?? education? or that your just boosting your ego having fun that a young sexy guy likes you and he may be taking you seriously??

I may be odd myself but as far as your rundown of things you thought were "odd" at Starbucks, I didnt see them as anything other than what he said.
In fact Im sorry and everyone will probaby murmur about this one but if my boyfriend had said " come on Mom" as we left, Id have probably laughed and said " ok, sonny" .
You assumed he felt awkward with you and he replied ("if that was so, I wouldnt have been kissing you and holding hands with you like I was most of the day!")
I have to agree with him on that.
Anyway I guess my point is , if your only seeing him because hes an ego boost, funny and sexy and arent into him as much else, then why worry if hes 20 or 22, girlcrazy or not, or whatever????
Am I reading this all wrong and maybe you really like him??? Im kind of lost here as to what it is you want to know or have feedback on. :confused:

Thanks Charo....
I guess I was wondering what people thought about the things that happened yesterday...I thought they were a bit strange....as he looked sorta guilty when he laughed about the waitress and the young gal shopping. He seemed to be nervous....maybe cuz they were younger as he is? He was also gone a long time at the bathroom and I wondered what the deal was...Maybe I am heightened sensitivity, but I dont think that was all there was to it.
I personally wouldnt have responded with "OK Sonny", even though thats hilarious. I am getting a bit interested in him I suppose and I am a little scared of that part of it. The break up I had recently was over the top for me....
Diff places meaning yes, ....maturity, age, education, religious background, etc.
Thanks for responding, I am probably venting somewhat because I dont know how the ow/ym thing goes or works, but reading these posts is informing me.

Keep on rockin the free world.

My advice is not very popular here, but here it goes (I'm in a good mood today)

He sounds confused, he is definitely attracted to you, but he is in touch with the atmosphere of people his age.

It is totally normal that a man in his early 20-s is searching. He is not sure yet about anything, least of all about his sexuality.

Many, if not most very young men are attracted to older women because conciously or unconciously, they are seeking the experience of the OW. They need it in oredr to feel more secure about themselves and in order to please a woman their age.

If a woman is open enough to this possibility, not forgetting that she also goes through different stages in life (in her late 30-s and 40-s she is not in the same mental setup and does not have the same look at her sexuality when as she was in her 20-s) an older woman and a younger man could relax, enjoy each other's company, and both benifit from the time spent together and appreciate what one has to give to the other.

Sometimes these situations develop into a more serious relationship as you will see many great examples on this forum. Sometimes these age -gap relationships start as something much more than just sexual since the beginning, you'll see many examples of that on Ageless too.

But only YOU know or will know soon, which category your story with this YM falls into.

Anyway, we stroll into Starbucks and he says he saw a guy drive by in a truck who saw us and laughed..."who cares" says my ym. I thought that was odd....

This seems odd to me too. I understand that people in AG relationships can get looks, comments, etc..., but I wouldn't think that a person just driving by could be bothered enough to analyze the nature of your relationship like that..... unless of course you were groping each other on the sidewalk which might cause that reaction AG or not. ;) Him saying that he saw a guy laugh at you totally sounds like his paranoid take on things IMO.

Since this is so new for both of you, it will take a little adjusting for both of you. If he continues this behavior, say 2 months from now, than I'd say it's a sign of his immaturity (not a crime though at 20) and I personally wouldn't want a serious relationship with him. If you are having fun, have fun. If you want something serious and he shapes up, great. However, if you want something serious and he doesn't change this behavior (not tomorrow, but in the not too distant future) then don't settle girl!

Cheers,

j

MAYBE I can bullet point it.
*he was very flaky at first, I put up with it for whatever reason..and lied about his age saying he was 22...
*I moved 2 hours away from where we both lived and he has been to see me for 3 weekends straight now
* I am not into him mentally, as many other ow have said on here about their ym.
*I was in a very serious relationship until 4 months ago which was leading, I thought to marriage....being with this ym has been a boost to my ego...He is fun.
*He is uneducated, unpretentious, simple and sexy as hell~I'm Masters Degreed, world traveled, big city gal...I used to do a little modeling, so I still look decent, I think...
*He doesnt know my age yet, he guessed 29 initially and then guessed 36 yesterday...I just havent told him yet, so then he says "I dont care anyway".
*We both have asked eachother what the other "see's" in the other...!!
*So far, I have been a bit embarssed about the age gap and our vast differences


I'm not exactly sure what you're asking either...but you've presented a summary of your situation above for us to take into account.

Well...I guess my first question is...if you are an educated woman (master's degree...although that may not necessary mean saavy when it comes to relationships and love), and a former model to boot....why are you actually considering something "serious" with THIS guy? It seems you could do much better. How about a YM who actually has a career or is headed to a good one, can match wits with you intellectually, has SOME social propriety, AND is sexy as hell? You need to aim a little higher, IMHO. In any case....

No disrespect meant here....but he's 20, uneducated...which I assume means he may not have great earning potential or be too competitive in the job market. And so you may be the one having to foot the bills for "stuff". Do you want to be in a situation where you might be supporting him? Frankly, I don't see how you could benefit from such a relationship...except a mindless distraction for a short time. He's not going to offer you any intellectual stimulation, once the honeymoon is over...and you have very little to gain. Already, he's causing you discomfort with his lack of social skills as well.

If you are not mentally into him, and it's just because he's young and sexy as hell, that will wear off soon enough...in fact, it sounds like his behavior in public is already getting old and you've only just started venturing out into public scenarios. It can only get worse.

I'm 47 and I've been out with men 20 +/- younger than me and the more comfortable you act around each other, the less others will notice that there is anything weird about you two being together. Personally, I've been fortunate in that I have never experienced any rude comments or looks from people. I even had a situation where I was with a man at a bar who was 22 years younger and he was carded but not me. The waitress was simply doing her job, she made no comments. We just carried on because that's just the normal course of life. But I can't imagine any man who is supposed to be my "date" making rude and inappropriate jokes like, "Let's go Mom." I wouldn't stand for that kind of crap. That's not really immaturity...it's just lack of manners, plain and simple. Don't mistake youthfulness and inexperience with plain old rudeness and disrespect....these are not one in the same.

He may have been saying the things he said as a way to scope out how you feel about the age difference. Or, maybe he still is sorting it all out, too.

If you are interested in him, take it slow and easy just like you would any other relationship that is new. Take time to get to know each other. And don't put all your eggs in that one basket. Eventually, the answers about whether this relationship is right for you will come to you.

Hmm. I'd like to hear Marcy's input since she's married to a man who's about the same age as the YM the OP is describing.

As for me, I'll just add my broken record advice: don't expect your YM to be any older than he is. And remember it took you 39 years to get where you are; it's not fair to expect him to get there any faster than you did. On the flip side, there are simple rules of respect that should be adhered to in any relationship, no matter how old or young the partners are.

Hi Veracity,

I am 39 and married to a 21 year old. We met and fell in love about 3 years ago. I count myself among the very blessed to have a solid, loving, wonderful marriage, a true find at any age!

All very young men are not the same so I can't comment on your particular guy. I know for sure that I would not have been comfortable with any of your sample comments from the weekend. My own experience was that I was very uncomfy with the age gap and my guy was 18 at the time. I was the one that required a ton of convincing and support. He was steadfast from the start. He too lied about his age... (ironically I think he also made himself 22 lol). I was more freaked about his very young age then the gap, if that makes any sense. I have a couple of kids that are actually close to his age... talk about an eye opener! At any rate, back to the point, had Dev wavered at all in voice or deed, it probably would have been more than enough to scare me off completely. As it was, I went through regular cycles of wanting to end the relationship "for his own good" anyways.

You will receive lots of advice here that anyone under the age of 25 is still growing and that you should not invest your heart in him at all. You will be encouraged to let him go for his sake (and yours). You will be told that nearly all relationships with vym end in utter heartbreak for the ow. It isn't true, but you will get that advice here a plenty. There are a core of us that are making it work and that is a fact. Relationships end... nearly all of them... and that is regardless of the partner's ages.

So there you have my vyp song and dance... I always feel the need to trot it out when responding to an OP with a vyp.

This being said I've not seen to many relationships end happily or after a long fruitful run where the YM was jittery and unsure. The happiest ones, for whatever reason, just seem to have the ingredients of one strong, steadfast ym... who eventually has the respect/support/acceptance of his family and friends. No joke... I think its important. Your guy doesn't sound nearly as comfy with the age gap as he professes to be. I'd be nervous too and I'd take it *REAL* slow.

I do think it is normal for a guy of 20 to be girl crazy, but I'm always a bit suspicious of girl crazy guys at any age. It isn't the average 20 year old that is going to date a 30 something woman and I just think they turn into girl crazy cheaters and I'm not into that... thank you very much. My partner was very inexperienced socially when we began our relationship. It wasn't what I was looking for, but it is what found me.

You are coming off the end of a relationship that you thought was marriage bound and that is pretty significant. You say that initially you didn't really find much interest in this guy. Be careful that you are not using him as a cushion for your heart. Dating a guy this young is a responsibility.

Thank you all, great feedback.
Marcy: Great to hear you have made it work and lots of valid points made in your post! I agree: a steadfast ym would make all the difference. I wonder if he is just adjusting to the age gap, due to this being the outset? Another poster said...see if this behavior continues, if so, end it. Also Bodhi Tree, your advice was great....YET< I was surprised to hear that MANY ym are attracted to ow, I did not think that was true at all....with our society being obsessed with baby butt skin, I think some of them might want of course the experience of an ow, but do they want the older body/skin aspect??? It flys in the face of our societal norms.

I should point out the ym is employed with a good job, he has paid for most all of our outings, as well. I just think he is young and very inexperienced with women, thus he doesnt know what he's doing. Truth is, I dont really see a long term relationship here, but I am enjoying his company at this juncture. I dont want to get too involved on any level due to recent heartbreak and the facts as they are. I believe the best way to proceed is with honesty, kindness and plain forthright communication on my part.
It seems that most of you also felt he reacted strangely on our day out together. That was the feeling I got, despite the "I had my arm around you all day" stuff. Any other input is welcome.
Thank you kindly!

As it was, I went through regular cycles of wanting to end the relationship "for his own good" anyways.

Hahaha - I can attest to at least one of these cycles!

Marcy is right - it's the number that felt awkward, not the gap. My husband was 21 when we met and having a son who is just 3.5 years younger than my love interest was very unnerving for me. I felt like such a hypocrite for having given older men with younger women those snotty stares for so many years! And I worried about the "baby butt" skin thing but you know what? A great, sexy woman is a great, sexy woman whether her skin is 20 years old or 70 years old and a smart man knows it.

Here we are... almost four years later *happy sigh*

Oh! A little shameless blog plug. Here is one of my favourite articles I've written on this very subject:

Age Gap Relationship Rules (http://www.writingup.com/kelleygreeneyez/age_gap_relationship_rules)

My take on this may not be very popular either, but here goes:

I think you are on the rebound. You were in a relationship that was serious enough that you were thinking marriage and it has only been four months since that relationship ended. I'm guessing he ended it. And this new guy, who is 19 years younger has got to be a big ego booster. If that is what is going on that's okay . . . as long as you know it and HE knows it.

If you both know it and are okay with it, then go with it. But I don't think I would expect much more from this current relationship than a FWB.

In my opinion, Marcy has been lucky with her guy. Twenty-year old guys have many changes to go through and who knows what they will want or think next. (Of course, that can go for guys of any age :), but the younger ones seem to be mesmerized by the older woman thing, even tho that might not be their preference for a relationship.)

My advice to you would be to enjoy the moment, but don't lose your heart to this one just yet. Take it slow and let it grow . . . if it is there at all.

Well...I guess my first question is...if you are an educated woman (master's degree...although that may not necessary mean saavy when it comes to relationships and love), and a former model to boot....why are you actually considering something "serious" with THIS guy? It seems you could do much better. How about a YM who actually has a career or is headed to a good one, can match wits with you intellectually, has SOME social propriety, AND is sexy as hell? You need to aim a little higher, IMHO. In any case....


I have to take at least 'some' issue with this...

not everyone is so bothered about having a partner who earns as much as them, or at least thereabouts. I'm screwed if that's the case, simple as that. I don't have the intention of embarking on a career that will make me a lot of money, and I'm not about to change. I think other things are more important frankly.

And I'm not exactly 100% comfortable in social situations either, I'm quite a shy person (when it comes to new social situations) and always will be... it's my nature.

If this is blanket advice then I don't agree. however, if the OP is really bothered about intellectual stimulation that much (which hasn't been made 100% clear), then maybe she should consider leaving the relationship if it won't fulfill her. But, then again, some people will surprise you, not everyone is as dumb as they appear, and being a graduate doesn't necessarily prove anything. So best not to jump to conclusionstoo soon.

I have to agree with Rob on his points. Education does not necessarily ensure a good partner. I have known many with Masters and Doctorates who had no common sense whatsoever and really couldn't carry on a conversation outside of their chosen field.

I did not get the sense that this was a key issue with the OP tho. She just pointed it out in her bullet points about their relationship.

Thanks for the comments...
I would say that a Masters Degree basically shows a person has follow through (and $ or the abililty to borrow! ha ha) , but not necessarily much more. I would say, though, that thankfully I have also gained wisdom through the years and that is the true issue at hand here. The ym has not learned yet what life is about...much. Hence, I feel, understandably, unable to connect on most levels! Rob, I agree and must admit the ym said he is shy and he is from a small area in the midwest and truly just seems simple and young. He is awkward socially and may learn more as he grows or he may always be awkward as you said you are/feel. So, thanks for making that point...I want to respect this part of him. Just because he isn't graceful socially, doesnt mean he's not a good guy....I have to remember this, as I am pretty able to engage well in social settings...of course, I engage much better now at 39, with more confidence than I did at 20! WHOA! Also, Rob, I am still learning about him, he may have more to offer intellectually...
At 20, I was timid in many respects, now....it's altogether different. I am bold and outspoken. Peachy, I need to be really careful ...because I was crazy about the last guy I was set to marry....and it was painful beyond description for me. So, I have taken this into consideration and will tread lightly. BTW, whats FWB?

My main point was just wondering about the things he said/did the day we spent together...whether people saw it as a nervous reaction or social awkwardness...but who knows? We can usually only guess whats going on in one's head!
Funny...I have never heard much/realized that ym are mesmerized with ow? I suppose maybe slightly older, but many years older? I guess I'm in diff circles here or something....!!! I suppose they want to learn/gain from the ow's experience.

Veracity - - -

FWB is Friends With Benefits.

The older woman/younger man relationships are much more numerous than you would believe. Granted, my guy and I have a much larger gap than some, but then, not as much as a few. And my guy has been mesmerized by older woman since he was four! :eek: And that's his preference. His one relationship with a younger woman ended very badly for him and he has sworn them off completely.

Some guys just have a preference for older woman. And some guys are just experimenting. And some guys don't have a preference and go either way. The trick is to distinguish what you are dealing with.

Perhaps you should just ask your guy right out what his intentions are and where he would like the relationship to go. There is no substitute for open, heart-to-heart conversation. Joe and I have had plenty of those . . . LOL . . . he calls them round-table talks :D

Hi Peachy,

Well, he intially indicated he wanted to well... he wanted to get it on basically! Then, after acting a bit experienced in his "talk", he admits the other night he has been with 1 woman...which I doubt somewhat, but he did seem sincere and a bit shy telling me about, as if he was sharing an intimacy with me. (By the way, he was a total flake and didnt follow through on some of our plans to get together initially.) Now, he is talking/acting more into the whole thing. I indicated that the physical thing wasnt gonna work fo me and now, after spending the last few weekends together, a deeper thing is developing a bit. Not deep, just deeper than it was! ha ha. Truth is ...he isnt a big talker, but when he does he says various things...He said, "You'd marry me, wouldnt you? In a year if we were still together?" to "things with older women have never lasted long with me" to "I'm a rude guy, always have been, always will be" (to which I replied, "thats too bad, I can tell you that wont work for me!") to "I'd like to live with you" to me saying the other day..."I'm starting to like you" to which he replied, "no your not!" ...so, he is sorta mixed up...'Course I was at that age, I am sure. I realize he is a vym....hence, all my questions. I don't want to hurt him in the process or get hurt either! :rolleyes:

Ahhh, I still remember when Joe and I first got together.

No doubt about it. A relationship with a young guy (by that I mean under 30) is definitely a wild ride . . . buckle your seatbelt and hang on!! :D

Exactly what Im afraid of Peachy!
I am not too excited about
wild rides these days,....
they always end up with a sore ***
from my experience.

I remember a ym I dated about 12 years
ago, I was 27, he was 19 or so.
Talk about a wild ride....memorable.

Now that Im 39, I want to take 'er easy a bit...
at least with the heart anyway!

Lord help me!
He just called and invited me to spend Christmas with him.

An old phrase comes to mind....moth to a flame. Yikes...

Oh what the hell, here's my tuppence.
I don't see, from either party, a whole lot of interest in any kind of serious or committed relationship. I see a fling with a bit of a naughty slant to it. If it weren't for the age difference, it would just be another casual physical jaunt. His inexperience and your need to bounce back from heartbreak are playing tricks on both of you. Apologies if this seems disrespectful, but that's the impression I got from the original post.

Oh what the hell, here's my tuppence.
I don't see, from either party, a whole lot of interest in any kind of serious or committed relationship. I see a fling with a bit of a naughty slant to it. If it weren't for the age difference, it would just be another casual physical jaunt. His inexperience and your need to bounce back from heartbreak are playing tricks on both of you. Apologies if this seems disrespectful, but that's the impression I got from the original post.

I'll tend to agree with Opal, for the most part. There seems to be some curiosity but that seems to be about it.

Maybe his inexperience and your rebound state aren't exactly playing tricks on you but I would definitely keep these things in mind.

Good luck. Have fun. And...you never know!

Well, Thank you kindly,
I will take your points into consideration!
I am feeling better and more secure about the whole
arrangement. I realize that he is a "bad boy" and
there's an attraction here! I met him while he
was riding his white Harley and my attention
was captured...
Yet, I have a pretty solid spiritual foundation and
a few brains between the ears so I need to ...
apply oodles of wisdom.
I like the input I have received....and would enjoy
any addl. feedback...

I will keep you posted as new
developments occur.:rolleyes:

Mmmmm . . . if he's anything like my "bad boy," then he's super hot stuff :p

Like I said before, just take it slow and see where it goes. He is still quite young to know exactly what he wants and where he is going in life.

For some reason you sound a bit like my friend Kerry, who is also on here and dates age gap. Is that you Sara????

Ali

No, I'm VeracityRules from the Great Pacific Northwest where I have over 16 inches of snow and its expected to be 12 degrees tonight!

My opinion is that he's trying the relationship on for size, and some of that requires "stepping outside the box"; he's dealing with the uncomfortable situations with a little bit of goofiness and humor. I suppose some YM's will be a bit embarrassed by the AG in front of their friends and feel compelled to do some weird things to downplay the relationship. If your mutual attraction persists, he'll eventually adjust and get over it. I think he has some real feelings for you. Why else would he ask you to spend Christmas with him?

As far as the non-AG related differences, I suppose if you wanted to date someone exactly like yourself, you could just look in the mirror. Differences can be exciting. But there must be a lot of common things, or else why are you comfortable enough to spend so much time together?

GOOD LUCK!

Well here's a silly little twist, but in those rap songs my kids listen to, the rapper always refers to his gf as "Mommy" or "Mom". So maybe he was just calling you "Mom" as a term of endearment?

I went through lots of unnerving stuff when I first was dating Robin. Most of it was imagined on my part. Here we are, 7 and 1/2 years later, (other than a six-month break up last year) and I don't feel one bit uncomfortable. No weird comments, no weird looks, people are still surprised when they learn there's an age gap...a lot of the perceptions of what other people thought were inaccurate all along.

I'm not saying this does or doesn't have any substance to it. The fact that he doesn't stimulate you intellectually could be a problem. I don't know, Robin's not a rocket scientist, but we still have lots of fun! :)

When I met Robin, I KNEW he was for me. I knew it right away. I was swept off of my feet. I had doubts and insecurities because of the age gap, but I knew I wanted to be with him forever. The way he spoke, the way he handled himself, the way he looked at me that just made me melt...I had met my love, I KNEW IT.

If you don't feel that intensity, it probably is a transitional type of relationship, and that's okay. Those are necessary to get us from point A to point B. Don't be uncomfortable about your age though, or his behavior. Let him be him, and you be you. Enjoy the time you have together, and try to figure out what you want from this experience.

Call me nuts but I think the guy does drugs. Seriously.

Proceed with care. :(

Drugs? I don't get that at all. I'm not sure how you extrapolated that? I'd love to know...


The latest is we talked tonight and he asked if I really want him to come back this weekend. I said, "yes, but the comment about "Mom" the other day was sure odd and what do you feel, anyway?"
He said, "Ive told you how I feel. I thought about you most of the day and I'd love to see you. Also, I'm sorry about that Mom comment, I didnt mean anything by it and never should have said it"..."But, do YOU want me to come back? Im sort of a boring guy arent I?".

I am beginning to realize he is just insecure about why on earth an older, more established woman would want to hang out with him....
Now, I ask myself the same question now and again! ha ha

Anyway, it was a positive phone call.
(By the way, yellowrose, I couldnt agree with you more about what you said in another post about how the power and bonding of sex with a person changes things....Hallelujah, thats accurate. That is precisely the reason I am not going there, not to mention my beliefs...)

This being said I've not seen to many relationships end happily or after a long fruitful run where the YM was jittery and unsure. The happiest ones, for whatever reason, just seem to have the ingredients of one strong, steadfast ym... who eventually has the respect/support/acceptance of his family and friends. No joke... I think its important. Your guy doesn't sound nearly as comfy with the age gap as he professes to be. I'd be nervous too and I'd take it *REAL* slow.


This is the part that would worry me. OK, my age gap is smaller (19 and 30) but even so, I don't think I would have committed myself to this relationship had Andrew not been 100% sure that he wanted to be with me. He has never had a doubt, never been jittery or made any comment whatsoever about our respective ages, neither has he ever shown any sign of insecurity or done anything to make me feel insecure (quite the opposite). He doesn't act like a "typical" 19 year old - he's sensible, quiet and settled. His family and friends are all supportive, accept me fully and in fact encourage our relationship, and there is a lot of solidity in his personal relationships with family and friends as well. It's all very healthy and it's thriving, and entirely and simultaneously comfortable and exciting.

Had he made "mom" comments or shown any anxiety and concern, I don't think I could have let my heart go and got into this relationship. It would have shown signs of immaturity and of someone who was still experiencing life as a teenager and wasn't ready to give me what I was looking for, or indeed to have much in common with me.

The reason I said 'drugs' is because he is making inappropriate remarks without thinking? Also, you said he was in the restroom for what seemed like a long time. I certainly could be wrong but it is something to watch for.

Have you two talked about drugs? Has he ever done them?

Hi Yellowrose,

I will probe the subject, but must admit, I highly doubt it. I have now surmised him to be young and nervous, based on our recent conversation and other comments he has made.
Thank you Kindly!

Rosiecotton,

Since I have seen this behavior, I am moving very slow on this thing...
Thanks!
And I am happy to hear that Andrew was/is solid and sure, nice attribute!

In my opinion, Marcy has been lucky with her guy. Twenty-year old guys have many changes to go through and who knows what they will want or think next. (Of course, that can go for guys of any age , but the younger ones seem to be mesmerized by the older woman thing, even tho that might not be their preference for a relationship.)

My advice to you would be to enjoy the moment, but don't lose your heart to this one just yet. Take it slow and let it grow . . . if it is there at all.

I agree with Peachy on this 100%, having been in a long term relationship (3+ years) with a very young man who changed a lot, and was confused about what he wanted at almost 22 (when we broke up due to his "confusion", etc.) after being absolutely SURE he wanted to be with me forever at 18, 19, 20 and 21. Just go slowly...sounds like you are pretty solid about not introducing physical intimacy early on...that's GREAT with such a young guy who has a hard time distiguishing between feelings of intimacy that are testosterone-motivated vs emotional/spiritually motivated.

Marcy said at the end of her post that you have a resposibility with such a young man. I agree, and think that resposibility includes going slowly, not using him for any personal gain (sexual/emotional rebound, etc.)....I also am VERY convinced -perhaps differently than some others here- that it also means that you not nurture an environment in which he could become dependent on you (financially, socially, etc.)... He should have his own friends, his own life, his own job and living situation until he's a couple years older possibly, and not become cocooned in "your world" (nor yours in his). Give him space to grow in life experience. Be honest with his and your families upfront if you decide to move in to a bonafide relationship...and if either side vehemently opposes, consider it as valid and weigh the sturggles ahead if you choose to go forward with a non-supportive family structure PLUS a large age gap PLUS your guy being so young.

In other words...these types of relationships with vym require that we use more of our head than our hearts, especially at the beginning, because it is SOOOOOO easy to become enchanted with their pure love, view of the world, adoration of us, etc. Cherish those attributes in the vym, but don't allow them to influence you to "lose your head" in the process.

Just my two cents from personal experience, and from countless others here who have been in relationships which started when their ym were only 18,19 or 20, and didn't last. A few make it....from what I've seen, most don't long term. But maybe this one will if you go slowly and wisely:)

Best,
Karen

Well put, Special K.
I must say, I agree with what another poster stated.
At 39, it's not his pocketbook, his face, his style, his whatever...
It's all about INTEGRITY and CHARACTER for me.
These traits are everything. How is his FOLLOW THROUGH?
Does he keep his promises or "just change his mind"?
This is a real man to me, a promise keeper.

I have found if you really pay attention, look and listen,
it doesnt take long to see these characteristics play out.
How does he treat salespeople? How does he act after
a long days work? What does he do if he is given too much
change back at the store? How does he act toward his
Mother? kids? Is he honest?
I have chosen the name VERACITY because the truth is
critical no matter what the age of a person.
Personally, I wish all women would raise the bar, myself
included.

Well, last Tuesday night I spoke with my ym, who asked if I wanted him to come to see me again this weekend, I asked what did he want to do? He said he wanted to come and asked if I felt he was pusing himself on me, to which I replied, "no, but I think we better slow things down a little". He said he would be up Friday night, which is usually 6-8 pmish when he arrives. So, then, I called him Wed and Thur and now tonight. He calls every other day or so. No calls back...
Now, its after 8 pm, and he hasn't even called to cancel or whatever it is he is doing.

This isn't gonna fly! I wonder if he got scared.
Well, rude is rude is rude, in my opinion.

No showing is not cool!

Well, now its after 8 pm Saturday night and he has just called....
After I left a number of messages wondering what happenedto our plans???

He says he is at a friends house who had surgery and had 3 toes
removed due to gangreen (spelling?).
He said it came up spur of the moment and he stayed with him
to help him.
He said he was sorry as I said
my feelings were hurt he hadnt even called me back
and ended the call saying he loved me.


?????
I guess were going to talk more tomorrow.
I understand fully he had to attend to his friend, but a phone call is easy to make.

He had made plans with you, and couldn't call you to make you aware of the need to cancel? I agree with you. That's flat out rude.

Here's my take-as a novice, of course.......

An older woman appeals to a younger man for some very obvious reasons, although, they may not neccesarily be conscious of them....

1. OW are more experienced sexually-usually more confident, uninhibited, and passionate about sex. They say OW's sex drives are actually a better match for a younger man!

2. the concept is still somewhat taboo, which adds to the excitement. They say most young men have had fantasies of sex with a friends' mother, or a teacher, etc. (remember the "Graduate" and terms like MILF)

3. Most OW are independent and established in their careers, so have no expectations of someone "looking after them" financially.


4. Alot of OW have already had experience with marriage and children, and are looking more for a freer, more fun relationship with a man, without all of the trappings.

5. OW have a life already in place, which allows them to view a relationship as more the "icing" than the "cake" so to speak, allowing a younger man more personal space and freedom to grow independently of the relationship.

6. Having had more life experience means that an OW is apt to be more patient, tolerant, understanding and not as prone to emotional drama as alot of women their own age might be on a day to day basis. (i.e. emotional maturity). We are not without our moments, however.....

Ultimately, these points are bonuses which make for what most men desire in a relationship with a woman...FUN. If I were a guy, I'd want one! If they're lucky, some may even stick around long enough to truly fall in love, perhaps not having expected it.......the rest is history! lol!

Well...I guess my first question is...if you are an educated woman (master's degree...although that may not necessary mean saavy when it comes to relationships and love), and a former model to boot....why are you actually considering something "serious" with THIS guy? It seems you could do much better. How about a YM who actually has a career or is headed to a good one, can match wits with you intellectually, has SOME social propriety, AND is sexy as hell? You need to aim a little higher, IMHO. In any case....

No disrespect meant here....but he's 20, uneducated...which I assume means he may not have great earning potential or be too competitive in the job market. And so you may be the one having to foot the bills for "stuff". Do you want to be in a situation where you might be supporting him? Frankly, I don't see how you could benefit from such a relationship...except a mindless distraction for a short time. He's not going to offer you any intellectual stimulation, once the honeymoon is over...and you have very little to gain. Already, he's causing you discomfort with his lack of social skills as well.

If you are not mentally into him, and it's just because he's young and sexy as hell, that will wear off soon enough...in fact, it sounds like his behavior in public is already getting old and you've only just started venturing out into public scenarios. It can only get worse.

Rose has a HUGE point.......... not saying that uneducated at 20 is necessarily a bad thing, but is there real potential for a relationship with this guy that you will be satisfied with? My Mom always said, when pretty is gone, stupid is still there.... I know that's crude...but if you don't think you connect on an intellectual level or an emotional level at this point, all that's left is pretty much the physical level.
I wish they hadn't killed Harrison's thread on Ladies Don't Get Mad, there were some funnny stories about people's reactions to OW/YM couples and our responses.
If you're just looking for something pretty to collect, go for it...but if you're looking at the big picture... are you sure you want something like that? Maturity just doesn't "appear" all of a sudden, and he seems quite immature. Don't let yourself be taken in by the rush you get from it... there will be others to ego boost if this doesn't work out, but I think a little self-preservation is due here... Think about what you want, not what's in front of you. :bgrin2:

Hey lasergirl...

Why'd you comment on a year old post, anyways?

Hey lasergirl...

Why'd you comment on a year old post, anyways?

Not only that but the original poster was last on this site on Dec. 27 of last year. :eek: LOL
I'm always amused when people comment on any old post. Sometimes 2 or 3 years have gone by.... :D

HEHE....it's not hard to tell that I'm REALLY bored at work today, huh?

I've read through this entire thread, and I'd like to give my feedback, regardless of the fact that I'm 25 with much more to learn in this life about love and relationships. This is my humble opinion:

I am dating a 20 year-old young man who floors me with with his maturity, intelligence, ambition, and respect. If he did not possess these traits, I would look elsewhere rather than take the risk of dating a young man who is still "growing/changing/figuring himself out." You seem like you are a very valuable woman with a lot to offer... I believe there are so many men out there who could match you in this respect and enrich your life; intellectually, emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc... On reading the account of your ym's behavior and comments towards you, I was a bit horrified (remember, I have a 20 year-old point of comparison)... Not only is he extremely immature (and from my experience with some very mature younger men, I am positive that this has only a little to do with his age), he IS very rude, and over time you will find that he will not have the ability/maturity to support you emotionally when you need it. Although you have acquired a master's degree and a store of wisdom from life experience, don't you think you deserve someone who you are deeply connected with on all levels? I know that it's easy to fall for someone when they are attractive, and when they are attracted to you... and sex can deepen the bond, like yellowrose spoke about. Be careful about deepening your bond with this guy, because it will be harder to break away from it the more you realize that this guy doesn't fufill your needs outside of the physical. You have so much going for you... In my opinion, you should sever the attachment now. And for the record... a phone call IS easy to make... I firmly believe that his excuse for standing you up is a big crock of BS... very immature and unreliable. There are so many men out there, ages 18-99, who possess maturity (not to mention sexiness, intellect, talent, emotional stability/wisdom) that would blow your guy out of the water.
I wish you the best in this situation!